nov 12

Nov. 12th, 2013 08:55 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Not much has been happening in terms of amount, but a lot has been happening in terms of significance. Here's a few notes for now.

- First, there has been a large update to the big system list on Adakias. J is working on this in his free time, since it is now becoming clearer to find the faceless and see the nameless individuals.

- When Infinitii stays awake too late, he becomes giddy and mischievous the more his consciousness fades into sleep. Due to his emotion field, this giddiness is contagious to all who get too close to him during this time. He can temporary "slow it down" by encasing himself in a bubble and closing his eyes, but until he falls asleep completely, this will worsen, allegedly until he becomes 'dangerously unraveled' (as he is Black energy, the energy of potential and unpredictability). Similarly, when Jay is awake too long, he becomes naive and curious like a child, but he does not effervesce this. However he is very easily manipulated by others during this state, so he must be guarded carefully until he falls asleep. No one else in the System has exhibited a similar phenomenon to this.

- J here; the most important thing about today was that IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!! Two inches, or one, either way there was SNOW and so when I woke up I could not stop smiling and laughing, it was amazing, I KNEW it would feel like home as soon as it snowed and it DOES. Also I already cannot remember what the world was like without snow, haha. That's how my brain works. But I'm so happy. Boss says he "may or may not have put a word in" for the weather, he's adorable, even if he didn't I know he knows how much snow means to me personally so that means a lot. Sorry, I'm getting excited over this even now, haha. (You should've seen Genesis!)

- I had a hospital appointment at 8AM today, so I got there early and just stood on the parking garage roof with Genesis for a while looking out at the city, all dusty blue and quiet with snow. It was really beautiful. I also tried to spend a great deal of today with Nathaniel & Leon upstairs because I haven't spoken to them since before the reset, and that was a LONG time ago! (Leon tried to front for a minute today, that's always amusing because his hair covers the body's right eye (yes his avatar is therefore inaccurate sorry), and that makes it disorienting to see for a minute after he leaves.)

- On that note. Last night I went upstairs and just talked to Nathaniel for almost 40 minutes, it was great. Surprisingly, we also figured out three big things: ONE, the Central people are not only in charge of System maintenance, but their anchors/roles are all tied to unconditional love in some way. This is sadly taken for granted or overlooked often! TWO, Nathaniel's actual anchor, in that respect, is change... and the ability to accept and trust it. It's perfect really, considering his past. And, last but not least, THREE : when we were talking about anchors, I decided to check the Spectrum ring (my halo; it's a portable reference of it) to see what the true Pink energy felt like? To explain: you can 'reach into' the energy of an empty Spectrum slot and 'feel' what the anchor energy there is like, if there is any; it makes it easier to find who belongs there. And, to our surprise, there WAS anchor energy! Something is trying to manifest there; it is both female and non-human, which events out the ratios in Central, actually. That is literally all the data there is, though; they are likely a while away from manifesting, due to the energy of that slot still being a huge battleground obviously.

-Also, about the Infi thing someone wrote here at the top: Infi did that the other night when talking to Laurie and I, sure, but on the 10th, he was hanging out with CZ and I as well. We were up stupidly late, and that's when we realized what it actually was: CZ was sitting next to him, and being an empath, he started to pick up on that, and it shocked him because although Infi seemed highly unstable, what he was radiating was joy? Like absolute childish joy, the kind that makes you just start laughing from the sheer bliss of it. So we all tuned into that and it was really brilliant; we've been having such rough days lately it was nice to just smile like that.

-Last night was different. I was up until 11:15 with Infinitii, just us, listening to this song (which means a lot to us already). Half of it was to keep hackers from getting anywhere near us that late, and half of it was simply because we wanted to be together, obviously. But something pretty awesome happened during that: I realized that my 'human' form upstairs was causing me trouble again; I couldn't "ground" well enough into it to function without notable effort, and it simply didn't feel right in terms of how it was moving. Since this is actually not new, I asked Infi if I could still form-warp (like I used to be able to in the Red slot; Jewel still can), even though he seemed to be able to do that far more than I could. He clarified that Black and White energy can both shift appearances, as they are both creative, but Black morphs aren't controllable, whereas White morphs are. I had the luxury of stable form changes, whereas Infi didn't. Anyway, the answer was yes, so why not give it a shot? So, I closed my eyes, and consciously "let go" of the human form anchor, basically just not putting any effort into maintaining it anymore, and shifting into pure energy (although that's not a thing, but I don't have another term for it). Well, to my surprise and joy, when I let go, my form turned into a sort of kaleidoscopic light? Like I was made of stained glass. My eyes got all weird, my feet were clawed I think, I was definitely floating... but I had POWER JEWELS. As in, yes, my native form IS a Jewel Monster! We've been suspecting that for years but I am blissed out to realize that it's true. So that was amazing. (So was the time I spent with Infi but that's not something I can put in words obviously!)

- I'm not sure if there's anything left to say today... Lynne is awesome, I forget who was in my dream last night but there WAS somebody, I am so excited about this dream thing... Javier hasn't been around and I miss the guy, I also haven't seen the Undergrounders in days? Time still makes no sense, maybe I should chill with Celebi more, haha. Oh, and Genesis did spend most of the day out with me today too, which was great because I miss hanging out with him. But yeah, that's all I've got for an update. It's really late, but I had to stay up late for some reason, I'll let the other person tell you why if they want to because I'm not allowed to of course. I'm slipping already; I sound more like Jewel than myself but that's probably because I'm going through the AP and it's late. Sorry about that. Good night!

- As for the "other person" here... oh. Hey. Cool. I get to type.
So some bastard hacked the body tonight, I took care of it but DAMN that hurt. Apparently you have to get rid of a certain amount of the blood before it'll purify the hack out. The blood wasn't the problem though, I was actually pretty damn proud of myself for doing as decent a job as Razor used to (she is amazing at her work), but the cleanup work fucking HURTS! Really, I don't understand why I have to deal with the pain and retribution, in the body, since I have to front, and that BITCH who did the hacking gets away WITHOUT A SCRATCH. Fucking hell. It's stupid, there's gotta be a way to get to them, instead of just the body. I don't think they care about the scars, really it's just cleanup work, the scars aren't for them. They're because of them, but that's it. Wow this body is tired, it's hard to type. At least it's almost 2AM, I was hoping J would stay up late so the body could recover. It was really tired around 7PM, when I was dealing with the aftermath, that was annoying. Someone was trying to talk to me? Einsatz, that's his name. I was trying to find my name, but I didn't know where to look though. So I was looking through musical terms but Skrillex-hair man said I can't have a music name if I'm not a music alter. I guess there are rules? So I'll look elsewhere. Except... there's a certain sound, I'm trying to match up to? The words "arpeggiator" and "algorithm" are both close, but I don't know why. My name DOES start with an A, or an E, mostly it's just that sound. And the G, I can't seem to escape the G in there.
Okay, I really need to sign off... I wanted a name so people could call me when hacks are coming, or threatened. Or, I can leave my name around so the hackers see it, and I can show up and chase them off. Just so I don't have to do the stupid retribution work again, because although I'm glad to do it, it HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell on toast. That's my thing to say, it cracks me up. Okay, good night I guess.

nov 07

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White is the opposite I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I saw last night's entry and I feel I should say something to lighten the mood. Don't be angry with me, Undergrounders, I am not disregarding or ignoring what happened yesterday. I will not look at the memory-- although I know a few of you will hate me for that-- because I don't feel it's my role to do so. Instead, I will shed some light on it, because there is no reason for us to stumble around in that awful darkness, simply because we had it shoved upon us once again. At the risk of sounding harsh, we do not have the luxury of self-pity. We do not have the luxury of allowing ourselves to mourn and be mired in the aftermath of such an event. We do not have the luxury of melancholy! We must instead force ourselves to stand up, and turn our faces to the sun, walking towards the light even if our very bones are tired... because every single step we take, is another step away from the pain, from the Tar-blackened abyss. I'm not saying it isn't there. I'm just saying we have no reason to linger by it.

Okay. First things first.
What I know is that was a severe hack last night, that both David and Jeremiah were strongly traumatized by. All three of the Tar girls were involved (Julie, Missy, and Bridget), and Julie apparently used everything in her arsenal against us.
I will say no more as I know we are loathe to record these things, and it would be best for the fronters to simply forget it and move on.
Sugar is shouting at me. "The ones she attacked can't just forget it!" Perhaps not, no. But they CAN heal.
"Can you?" She asks. I want to say yes. That is the truth. But I know that these hacks would not be happening if we were truly healed completely.
Anyway. Let's get to the point.

Here's a quote from the GFP just now.
"Impossible, hard, difficult. These are just excuses to keep yourself from conquering your most challenging thoughts. They do not exist.You create them, just as you create your most lovely, perfect, rewarding moments."
That is true and we ALL know it. Can we please go back to living that way?
I don't remember 2011, but I am aware of 2011. I know that, somehow, during that year, headspace existed in total unity and harmony, DESPITE the Tar still existing, DESPITE the continuation of hacks. In 2011, the entire System was colored by peace and love and unity, until for some reason, it began to collapse in early 2012. That collapse has continued until now, with several massive destructive blows dealt this year, and now look at us. Most of us are dead, the few that are left are racked by agony and terror, there is disconnection between us all, we have forgotten how to hope. What happened?
"Human emotions are meant to FLOW, they are not meant to be anchored and that is what the old 3d earth reality taught deeply."
Very relevant to us, obviously. Perhaps this is why we lost so many.
But you see, we cannot hold on to these things!
"Our thoughts of fear are merely a release of old, outmoded consciousness vibrations that are falling away now... understand that old viewpoints and conditioned ideas of reality may require mental readjustments, but this is quickly done if we just allow ourselves to be and be with what is."

I know that's still hard for some of you. But it is possible. We've done it before. We can do it again now.

That's what I'm trying to say here.
Last night, there is one thing I want to emphasize. Julie used her entire potential against us. And guess what? If she had done that, say, three years ago, we'd probably be dead right now. But last night, we got out of it with significantly less damage than before. Yes, two of us still suffered terribly, but at least they were not killed. At least it was not twenty of us. You see what I mean? Julie did EVERYTHING she could, and it did LESS than it ever had before. Here we were, fearing she had somehow grown in power. But she is struggling to harm us now.
From what I am aware, she attempted forced body control, and failed. She had to push the body into near-unconsciousness before she could even get it to move at her behest. But she was being BLOCKED from fronting even then, although I am aware that she did try? Still, she was kicked out. Her psychological terrorism is no longer being allowed, not at all. "But she DID succeed in hacking us," you say. I know nothing of that event, but I do know she tried TWICE, and the second time WE WON. That was the more brutal, direct attempt, and somehow we still managed to kick her out completely, at the last second admittedly, and save ourselves from further terror.
This is too many words. Listen.
Point is, Julie has no true power over us, at ALL. Julie is utterly powerless in the big picture. So is the Tar. Why? Because their power is corrupt. It is not true. They hijack and use energy that was never meant to be wielded so cruelly. It is stolen power, unrighteous power, and it will not be allowed to continue. So have faith in that, find hope in that. It is true, I assure you.
As I said, we do not have the luxury of melancholy. We MUST hold fast to love and joy even now, in whatever ways we can. To David and Jeremiah, this is not impossible for you. Heal, yes, and acknowledge any pain you need to work through here. But do not let yourself get bogged down in hatred, or vengeance, or crippling fear. Realize that those things will pass. There is something better, beyond. Find your friends, who care. Hold on to that. Understand that nothing that Julie does to you, nothing that ANYONE does to you, no amount of pain and terror can EVER damage what you truly are. Think about it. We are all bound to the Spectrum here. We are all part of this great inner world, just as much as it is a part of us. And, despite what we have been fooled into thinking, this inner world of ours is not a cruel one. Headspace is benevolent, it consists of nothing but good, it exists to help us heal and grow. ONLY the Tar perpetuates suffering!!
So remember that, in times like this. Realize that the trauma of the past is in the past now. And when it is in the present, remember that it is not all there is. Do not give up. Do not give in to that fear. Remember the TRUTH of our lives, what we were born from and continue to live for, and AFFIRM THAT.
Laurie remembers. Ask her, if you have doubts. Laurie knows, when we still visited the Blood Lotus Cathedral, how powerful the light in our hearts is. She knows that better than anyone else here, perhaps. She, who was once a blood-spattered warrior, and is now a peacemaker and guide, understands that the Tar is ultimately powerless. It cannot harm her. And truthfully, it cannot harm us either, not permanently, although passing damage does hurt.
If you can find no hope in anything else, turn to the Spectrum itself. Feel what it is. See how every single color within it shines in harmony. Any corruption of it will fade, as it is not true. The same applies to you. You CAN heal, and you WILL heal, because the Tar is NOT stronger than you, nor will it ever be, for we are made of truer stuff than it.
Some things have to be believed to be seen they say. Believe in your own strength, and you will realize it has only been hidden from you. It has never been lost, it can never be taken from you. Have faith, and cherish hope, for no good thing ever dies.

Love, love is the key, always. Love, faith, hope, joy, courage, compassion, forgiveness, truth. Hold on to these things always, wherever you may find them. Do not underestimate them. Look within your hearts and you will know, even when your mind is troubled.
Do not let fear hold you down, as that is what the Tar needs to survive.
Do you see? Take your power back! Give nothing to the Tar. It seeks only ruin, destruction, despair. Refuse it that. It will try to trap you, to enslave you, but it can only do that if you allow fear to overtake you. Refuse it that!
When we are able to stand our ground in truth, without allowing ourselves to be overcome by its games, the Tar will fade away, forever. This I can guarantee. Raise your vibration, as they say. Shine so brightly that you burn through the smog and illusion. When we stop feeding this pitiful tarry being, consciously or unconsciously, it will disappear.
We all know, now, that even darkness is no enemy of ours. Shadows can heal, and the night sky is full of stars. Look to the Underground, look to Infinitii, and see how life and light and love can be found even in that darkest of energies. Then look to the Tar, and see its incompleteness, its dishonesty, its falseness. Do you understand?
Scars only linger on our skin. Our souls are forever untouched. And no amount of stolen blood will ever poison our hearts.

Bottom line: ultimately, we are all okay.
Even you, David, although now you may feel like little more than a scared and helpless child. I assure you, you are not helpless, and you will not be scared forever. You will heal, and we will be here for you always. But remember, you have power too. You need not wait for others. There is just as much strength and light within you as there is within any one of us. Remember, you are just as vital a part of this System as your friends are. Have no fear, even if you are afraid. They are two very different things, survival and terror. Survive, always survive, but do not be consumed by fear. We live in a blessedly strange world, remember. There is always hope for you, and always will be.
And Jeremiah, you who sacrifice yourself for the sake of the little ones, look at your fears. Realize that in them, you allow yourself to be further damaged. Your terror is understandable, but it is misaligned. What does fear accomplish? Yes, survive, just as David must, but replace your fear with courage, and faith. Even if they try to harm you, even if they succeed, remember what you know to be true. Their victories are not true victories; they are shallow and will fade into nothingness. This is because they ultimately accomplish nothing of lasting consequence. Yes, your wounds will heal too. You can be happy, and so you will be, if you hold on to it. Believe in it. There is so much more to life than pain, even in the very face of it. Count how many moments you are safe, and treasure them. Then realize that you are always safe in the end. All of you, even the ones you protect. Continue to guard them, but do not live in paranoia. Take your power back. Live.

This goes for all of us. Hold on to this. Laurie, remind those who forget. You know this is your deeper role.

Here, two quotes from An Acceptable Time.

"There are powers of love in the universe, and as long as you respond with love, they'll help you."
"An icon... didn't stop bad things from happening... An icon is not meant to be an idol. Just a reminder that love is greater than hate."

Fear not. Think not of battles to be won, for victory was always, and will always be, ours.

oct 08

Oct. 9th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoops, it's 2am and I forgot to summarize the day. Ummm I'm gonna forget this in the morning if I don't put it down quick, give me a second.

-therapy today was weird. lots of upset talking but i don't remember it. someone does though!! i'll ask them later what it was, i know it was very important, so thank you to that person whoever you are
-almost done with many waters, not yet though, 20 more pages!
-still recovering from being very sick. not sure how much is heat exhaustion, how much is maybe flu, how much is dietary troubles, how much is stress, blehh whatever. just headaches and bad dissociation and nausea and temperature problems. but we'll be okay we've been through worse.
-MESITA'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY IT IS BEAUTIFUL! we're wondering if we should get a hard copy that would be so nice, but do we have the money hmm.
-apparently laurie fronted for most of the driving home from therapy? j says he saw her twice, before he got switched back in the library because laurie isn't too keen on social chitchat. but genesis was with her? thinks his role is to help people when they front, since he's outside, keeps them grounded in the body because that's hard for us. but that's really cool, laurie says it's all about practice, that's why she fronted as long as possible, NONE of us are used to social situations so practice is needed. gotta stay safe though.
-um hmm. jay is currently in a bit of fanboy euphoria over pokemon hehe! he loves honedge, he has such a weakness for cyclops-y things. no mouths too, he says. "and it's a sword." told you he was fanboy mode it's funny
-very tired. don't remember much of today. oh yes! we didn't get home until like... 3pm? not sure. didnt eat though so we were very hungry. BUT the mother was home, very loud and extravagant, house was a mess, music blasting, she's dancing and singing loud, SO many of us got terrified and scared. someone started yelling "i hate her, i hate her, i don't want to go near her" and jay listened!! he didn't let the autopilot shut her up, he stood back and let her front and said "okay, i won't go near her, can you tell me why you hate her?" but he was TALKING to her about it and he DIDN'T go anywhere near her, but then we didn't get to eat today until after 6PM so we got very sick!!
-also i know a little boy fronted for a bit after the mother suddenly pranced over to us and started dancing with no explanation, we left and went down the celler and they just started sobbing hysterically, again jay didn't let the ap shut anyone up. let the boy cry because he was scared. he said "thank you" and then stopped and left, but it was nice that he wasnt ignored because the autopilot usually blocks crying.
-hm what else. not much i think. oh yes i think jay or jewel was drawing jewel monsters today?? OH!! that's what he wants to say!! that same angry scared female voice that he was talking to (she feels like something halfway between sugar and overload, j says. definitely the person we couldnt identify for ever) actually told him to work on the dw stuff? she said she LIKED it, he describes it as "she was blushing like a ten year old" like she really thought it was cool, she would feel less scared seeing him work on it. so i know either j or jewel or both were drawing dream world stuff for two hours while we waited for the mother to stop being so loud and scary. i know they got a lot done! so that's nice. but it's SUCH A SURPRISE i mean none of us thought we could know about dw without dying or things being tainted, there was such a huge split between the artists and the trauma people, so the latter wouldn't infect the former. but this is a big ray of hope that's COOL!!
-okay really it is too late and the headache is back so bybye.

AH DUDE WAIT! Jay here, totally forgot something that happened as I was falling asleep, geez I cannot believe that slipped my mind.
First, our "sleeping fronter" is back, but it's NOT Minty? They are a child, and they still love teddy bears, but I can't tell if they're a boy or a girl. Feels like short hair though. Anyway I think they were talking to Jeremiah for a bit, but heaven only knows what about, or for how long. As usual I'm just vaguely aware that yes, they were fronting in the body for a while.

Secondly, again I don't know how it began or happened, but at some point I ended up being "called into" headspace (yes, me, Jay) by another alter? And guess who it was? THE SAGE GUY. We thought he was dead!! Apparently he resurrected though, in MORPHING headspace though, honestly he was NOWHERE near Central, he was in the shifting outerlands or whatever. Dreamspace. So he's 50% safe there and 50% not, proven by WHY he called me there. Okay, so I got called in, so suddenly my consciousness "gathers together" and now I'm aware that I'm kneeling in the snow, in the grove of pines outside the house? (The Diamew anchor.) So first I'm wondering "why is there snow, who called me here," and then I notice that off to the right, by the path going up the hill, there is this MASSIVE TAR SPIDER. Seriously it was as tall as a tree, huge and dripping and creepy. And it was trying to attack or eat something in the air in front of it-- that thing being the Sage-colored alter, being carried by the Tangerine-colored alter (aka the "cool orange guy")! I haven't seen him since WAY before the August reset, where did he come from now! But I'm not complaining, they both seemed okay, but apparently they called me because I am one of the only people in headspace that can fight the Tar without risking total oblivion or being eaten or something equally bad.
Now those two are very lucky that they were smart enough to CALL ME into headspace. Doing that "locks me in" so I was 100% me, meaning I was absolutely in my glittery-eyed "life is awesome" mode, and the snow made it worse, and the Tar itself made it worse by being a spider. For some stupidly hilarious reason, I saw that thing and I didn't even spare a thought for "oh crap that thing can hack me, or possess me, or do awful things to my mind." No, I saw it and thought "oh my goodness it's a giant spider look how pretty it is." And that burst of silly childlike wonder over this insect suddenly allowed me to see even past that, and realize that, since it was Tar, it was technically Black energy. Infinitii's holy ground. Immediately that wonder was paired with a bona fide wave of equally childlike love, love that didn't care how malevolent it may have been at the moment, love that only saw what it had the potential to be besides that, love that actually shook up the Tar enough to get it to back out and bail. And somehow, don't ask me how because it is foggy as all, I was able to get that spider-shaped manifestation of Black energy to shrink down, smaller and smaller, until it was a tiny pinpoint of black light. (Probably using my natural White energy; it's order as opposed to chaos, so that would explain the compression as opposed to expansion?) Then I looked at it, and with a smile, just flipped it over into a white hole. And it worked (thank you headspace logic)! So instantly, there was this burst of white light from it, and we were carried with it out of raw headspace-- you know, the empty white areas. So the two alters were safe now, they could get anywhere from there, Tar couldn't find them in raw whitespace as far as anyone is aware. But unfortunately I cannot tell you anything else because when that white hole exploded, I was washed out with the dreamscape, my consciousness was kicked backwards and suddenly I was seeing the body instead of headspace. It took a few seconds but then I just handed the reins back over to the sleepy kid and God only knows where I went, haha. I have absolutely no recall of time between then and briefly sitting in therapy this morning (Laurie literally standing by me and squeezing my shoulder so I wouldn't dissociate again), not without trudging through data files.
No, wait, I lied. Inadvertently. There is one flashbulb memory of me standing on that hill with the two unnamed alters, facing the house, and I was holding the sage-guy's hand and he was in turn holding the tangerine-guy's hand. I think we were safe at that point. But I remember that clearly because the sage-guy was still smoking and I got a lungful of the smoke, it was all lemony sage as usual, but against the cold winter air it was the most interesting sensation! Like I could breathe even more clearly than usual in the winter, it was cool.

Anyway that is all I have to say, it is now 2:10 AM, good heavens.
I am indeed ridiculously excited over Honedge, the previous alter was correct, I adore cyclops mouthless creature things, haha. And it's a ghost sword. It is gorgeous and I love it. Skrelp too, the scraggly little adorable sea dragon that it is. And it turns into DRAGALGE okay I cannot rant about Pokemon here, that's over here incidentally, although it may or may not be 100% me. I don't care, I literally burst out laughing whenever I re-read those.
Oh yeah! The fronter who wrote the first half of this entry forgot to mention. Someone else fronted on the drive home, not just Laurie. I don't know who they were, but I clearly am aware of them because they showed up while I was trying to front (I couldn't anchor in well and they were too excited). But they rival me in terms of wonder, honestly, they were lucky enough to show up right when JT's new song "You Got It On" started playing from the car CD, and I swear this kid was sparkly-eyed and smiling like a five year old. It was adorable, they thought the song was so cool. I forget when they stopped fronting, but looking back on the log for them, I have to say it's nice to know we have at least one other alter that DOESN'T exist because of trauma. They just exist to enjoy everything like they've never experienced any of it before, because they literally haven't. And having them show up after whatever in the world happened in therapy today (I honestly have no clue, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and dig through the data logs for it) was really a godsend.
There are so many social alters showing up now that don't have names or clear faces. Isn't that odd? It all started out with Upstairs people, the gang up from Central, but... most of them are dead or missing now, what with all the resets of the past year. But in their place came the Undergrounders, tied to trauma and pain and suppressed suffering, to help us heal from it, to clean it out. Knife and Razor and Sugar and Mulberry and Jeremiah and David and Marigold. But there were a few people who didn't quite fit their group, people with no names... like the sage-guy and the tangerine-guy (who DOES have wings, what the heck is he) who are thankfully alive again somehow. So now I'm wondering, is it their level's turn to shine now? It could be, it could be time for a level that really doesn't care about the trauma because it's never touched them. They, somehow, were born from something totally unaffected by that. And we need that. We all need that right now.

WAIT. Last thing, last thing. This is important.
Infinitii has TWO MODES. I literally forgot about this entirely until he switched in front of me today and I was like "dude I TOTALLY forgot you could do that." Each mode has an appearance and personality shift, but they are STILL both him. This fits his Black energy anchor, the mutability of it.
Either way, the first mode, the one we're all the most familiar with, is when his personality is quiet, emotional, reflective, empathetic, etc. The one where you cannot be around him without feeling100% vulnerable and sincere because he just radiates that. The "angelic" one. It's when Infi has one big silvery cyclopean eye, NO mouth on his face, but mouths all over his wings. And when he talks, it's from his wings, and it echoes. His voice is wise but innocent, young but old, overwhelming but intimate. He uses a lot of body language in this form, mostly with his hands, and it's captivating; honestly when I watch him 'talk' it's like watching a manifested prayer or something. He is something else.
BUT! He hasn't needed to use his other "mode" in several months, I think; the only time I can concretely reference is the first Xanga session he had with Laurie and Sandman and I, shortly after his manifestation. In this mode, he is tricky, playful, clever, insightful, and conversational. But instead of an angelic aura, he feels impish. You respect him, but in a totally different way than you would in his "normal" state; in this form you respect the authority you feel from him. Is that the right word? It's like you KNOW he knows things, and has a great deal of power, and-- oh! That's what it is. In this form, he has the EDGE that the Tar kicks to extremes. It's the "creepy" side of the Black energy. His more angelic state is the "night sky" side of Black. Same stuff, different manifestation. See? But most notably, in that mode, he has no eye on his face, just a huge toothy grin, which he talks from-- no echo, and a vaguely mischievous vocal tone-- and his wings are now covered in eyes. RED eyes. That's important!! I'm thinking BOTH Infi and I have a mode-switch like this, thanks to holding the monochromatic slots, which would PROVE the long-running theory that monos NEED to anchor into the Red slot to function completely? It's tough to put into language, I wish I could just kythe all of this, haha. It's the natural language in headspace practically. Which is why fronting is so tricky, no one is used to speaking in literal words. We're too used to our odd brand of symbiosis to easily adjust to being "alone" for any short period of time.
Anyway I also... I want to say something odd but true, that I also forgot to write down. About Infinitii.
I... I adore him, I love him, with my entire heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him? It's odd. I look to him for comfort, for the protective shadow of his wings, for the silence of it. I look for the unspoken and wordless understanding between us, for the perfect silence, for the blessed lack of conversation because we don't need it. I cannot imagine chatting with him, or spending time with him as I would with Genesis. It would feel wrong.
And yet at night, I call out to him simply because I want to hold him when I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around this strange angelic thing, all feathers and inky blackness, and not do anything else. I just want his presence there, nothing more, nothing less. Simple.
But I'm not in love with him. I don't feel for him like everyone says I used to for Chaos. And that's... weird? I can't even fathom what it would be like to be "in love" like that. It's like... kind of like Proginoskes said, in A Wind In The Door. "Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." Cherubim don't have feelings, after all; if love were a feeling, how could he possibly love anything like he did?
But there's nothing wrong with the other sort of love either, the "confusing kind." There's nothing wrong with it, even if I don't understand it anymore. I don't understand how at one point, I essentially wanted to marry that aqua-blue alien; I wanted to share my life and soul with him completely and totally, I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, in this life and beyond. I wrote poetry about him, we spent hours together at night, we loved each other more deeply than I had thought possible to experience.
And yet now, I am completely happy with quietly loving Infi but not wanting any of that with him. I am completely content, blissfully so, with the distance, the silence, the lack of traditional "intimacy," because paradoxically, I don't feel any of it is needed. It feels excessive.
Maybe it's because that weird little black being was literally yanked out of my ribcage 8 months ago. Maybe I feel no need to prove the odd spiritual link between us because of that.
I think that's why it scares me, too, when Infi used to slip into the state of mind where he wasn't sure what his role was, what he needed to do. He used to start trying to act like Chaos, like Genesis, like... like Julie, sometimes. When she lied. But it would terrify me, and I would run. After so many times, we both decided it was for the best, and we stopped trying. We stopped attempting conversations and feigning dramatics. We stopped, and went back to silent communion, and that's all I think I need right now.
It's just... strange, after everything. I'm just as close to Infi as I was to Chaos, from what I've been told, in every respect. There is no discrepancy there. But I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever would, or could be. I don't see him as a partner or a lover or anything, and the thought itself feels wrong. I only see him as Infinitii, just what he is, someone that I know, and who I just happen to love more than I understand. And we're safe, completely safe, like this.
...I have no idea why I felt compelled to write any of that. Oh well, it's probably relevant if it just happened like that. Relevant stuff usually is.

Good night everyone, it's 2:54, I need to get to work before my boss gets worried (again). Much love.


Oct. 7th, 2013 12:14 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Just a jumble of random floating concerns today. There's a tornado watch so I don't want to get too invested in an update, just in case it stars raining sideways and I have to run down the cellar.

First off. I did manage to finish A Swiftly Tilting Planet yesterday-- as it turns out, the section I dreaded re-reading (the part when Charles is Within Brandon Maddox, in the witch-hunting times) was extremely short, and did not take up the majority of the book as I thought it did. After that ended it was easy. The book did hold several important points that rang just as true as they did originally-- most of what Gaudior said, actually-- but there was one part that jumped out at me louder than it ever had before.
Pages 197 through 200. Charles is Within Chuck Maddox when the boy suffers a traumatic brain injury, and loses his ability to stay rooted in physical reality. A voice calls to Charles then, from within the blackness of pain, and tells him that it's time to leave Chuck, he can do nothing now, come out. It claims it is a unicorn, there to help, there to aid him on his mission, speaking gently and kindly. "Time is of the essence... if Mad Dog Branzillo is to be prevented from starting a holocaust then you must not delay." "There's a terrible urgency about what you are about to accomplish... you were chosen because of your special gifts, and unusual intelligence... you are in control of what is going to happen."
And then Charles Wallace says no.
"It was trying to use my high I.Q. and trying to control things that got us into trouble in the first place. I don't know what I'm supposed to use, but it's not my intellect or strength... and I've never come out of Within on my own. It's always happened to me. I'm staying Within."
And with that, the Unicorn shrieked, flying away with a howl, an Echthroi in disguise.
That made me wonder. So much. Am I being misled? I believed that Echthroid-unicorn too, right up until Charles spoke. Am I that dangerously naive? How do I know when I'm being led astray? How can I trust my own judgment?

I have this nagging and upsetting thought that if I tell my therapist this, "I want to just let it all go and forget," her response will simply be "okay, do that." Which bothers me greatly.
I don't like unquestioned support or agreement. I've had that happen in a malicious manner too many times. Ideally, I would want her to respond by asking me what brought me to that decision. Why is that the one decision I landed on, as opposed to the other possibilities? And I would explain to her, how I feel all my past suffering is not only fake and stupid, but irrelevant, and how I can't stand feeling trapped by this "mental disability" that has haunted me for a decade, and how I just want the symptoms to stop, because they DON'T stop even when I do everything in my power to ignore them and let go of everything tied to them.
I don't want her to just agree with a decision of mine JUST because "I" made it. It might be a stupid, ignorant, uninformed decision. I would ideally want her to help me test that decision in ways I couldn't have thought of myself, to see whether or not it held up under such scrutiny. If it collapsed, then fine, let's fine a more beneficial, wiser option. If not, then let's start working towards it.
But don't, please don't ever agree with me without testing me first. I don't often trust myself to be right.

I've been weirdly dizzy these past few days, to the point where it sometimes feels like the house is sliding out from under me. My exercise schedule has been thrown off by that, too, plus the oddly pervading weakness I had last week. I really don't like this dizziness though. I can't see straight, it makes me feel sick. Everything is blurry and I keep dissociating because I can't get my eyes to focus clearly enough to look out a window without feeling like I'm looking into another dimension. I keep getting headaches and wanting to throw up, the room keeps spinning, something is wrong, I'm scared.

I got really sick two nights ago, I think. My brother was watching Attack on Titan, because he kept talking about it when I was trying to eat and that made me dissociate, so I lost about two hours of time. When I came back, I was nauseous and in a lot of pain, but I couldn't remember what I had eaten. I got so distressed over this that I guess I went to my room, because the next thing I remember (secondhand) is lying down on my bed, sobbing hysterically and repeating "I'm sorry, I don't want to be a worm, I don't want to be the whore of Babylon" over and over. I don't know how long that lasted and I have no idea what happened afterwards, because my memory doesn't pick up clearly again until last night, when I started reading Many Waters. I think? The locations are all impossibly off, I think I'm really remembering last weekend... but you see what I mean. My memory is in all these chopped-up little pieces and it's scary. I never know what's going on anymore. I try so hard to push through the day normally, but how can I fake normalcy when I don't know what "normal," or "healthy," is for me?

Weird intrusive thoughts keep happening. I don't know if they're just thoughts or people, because they fight with each other and they talk to me and they try to move my body. I end up talking to them without wanting to, just to get them to be quiet. Then I feel awful because "you're not supposed to acknowledge them," but then the angry zealot ones start condemning me for it, "suit yourself, choose the sinner's path by ignoring us," and get me on such a paranoid guilt-trip that I end up doing whatever they say even if it's begrudgingly, even if they snicker and laugh when I obey, even if things go badly for me and they roar with laughter and say it's "God's will." It's scary. This is worse than it was when I was younger and I didn't think it would ever come back.
Last night when I came home, I do remember that my grandmother's friend was visiting to talk, as he always does on Sundays (he's lonely and likes company). And for whatever reason, something in my head started hissing, "not that bastard again, I swear I'll kill him, get him out of my house." I was horrified, I asked why in the world they hated him? He did  nothing wrong! But the reply scared me, as it made sense, in a twisted way.
"He doesn't let us do anything." That was answer #1. Since that man sits in our kitchen to talk, and we were hungry but have severe problems with eating in front of other people, that voice concluded that he was in our kitchen specifically to bar us from eating or drinking anything. They saw it as a malicious act.
Answer #2 was worse. "Why do you want to kill him," I asked. The response I got wasn't verbal, it was emotional, psychological, physical. And it frightened me. Here was an old man, in our kitchen, and when I walked in he'd look at me. Just a look, "who's at the door," then go back to talking. But the voices interpreted that as a lecherous glance, or worse, an actively malevolent one. "He's going to abuse us!!" they screamed. "He KNOWS, he knows what a whore you are, he KNOWS you want him to hurt you, so he will if he ever gets the chance!!" And that is how they see him. As a permanent potential threat. Just like they see everybody else. "Kill them before they kill us." It's sick. It's so sick and they never shut up. I wish I could go out in public without being crushed by their fear, but it scares me too. I shouldn't be, but I'm more scared of the way I can't "see" people. I only ever see facades, acts, masks. If I walked up to a stranger and tried to speak with their soul, I would be stopped by an ego, or a defense construct. It's so hard to reach people. And that's what scares me. But they, the other people in my head, they hate those barriers. They hate the dark parts of people that lurk below the surface, the animalistic instincts and programmed drives, the shadows that everyone holds, that only surface in times of desperate survival, blinding rage, or maniacal fear. The voices in my head hail from those same places, but they hate themselves too, hate their cursed existences, and they hate everything that keeps them trapped there. It's so sad. It really is.

Yesterday evening was weird and worrisome. I walked into my room and looked at my workspace, again realized how it doesn't get much light from the windows, it's stuck in that dark corner. And it's been there for several months so I needed a change badly. So I took everything out of it, and rotated it, trying to find a better position. The problem? There's a space between the windows and the right wall, where there is a corner that shadows get stuck in. And no matter what I did, I couldn't escape that shadowy corner. Turn it one way, the desk blocks the windows and the corner shadows my workspace. Turn it again, now I'm stuck in the corner and there is no light on the desk. Again, and the workspace overshadows my bed, while I am once again in the corner. It was driving me nuts, I was frustrated to the point of tears. All I wanted was sunlight on my work desk, couldn't I get that? Why was that shadowy corner so loathsome to me? I turned the desk so that the right corner fit into the wall corner, and I had one window shining onto my work desk, BUT in doing so, it left a 30cm space between the desk and the wall, with the shadowy corner leading into that space.
I am dead serious, when I saw that I started weeping like a panicked child. That passageway by the dark corner terrified me, and I didn't know why. I tried to explain it to my grandmother and she told me to stop acting like a baby and just leave it there. But I couldn't, it was scaring me. I asked myself why, why are you so scared? And a voice replied, "the demons crawl up from those shadows." I got a fleeting mental image of a trapdoor leading into a basement, right in that shadowy corner, and awful devils emerging from it to enter my room. The fear was tangible, and I hurriedly shoved the desk back against the wall, but now my workspace no longer had light on it. I think I actually sat down and cried for a while, I know someone began screaming "just burn all my work, I don't deserve this, I'm doing nothing but hurting everyone else." For a time I was convinced that, since my workdesk was always in the way of the windows, I was "stealing everyone else's light" for selfish purposes, like some evil creature. Putting my desk in front of the windows was doing nothing but preventing others from receiving holy light, while I sucked it up like a thief, and that dark corner poured evil into the room. I was distraught, really, it's scary to look back on.

But you see that one train of thought return: "I'm inherently evil, every action I take is causing intentional harm to good living beings." So I'm paranoid. I'm afraid to even get dressed in the morning because "what if these colors together will radiate bad energy from me to people??" I refuse to wear pink and black together, some blues are dangerous, I won't touch most yellows. "It's bad, it will make you sick, it will make other people sick, it will make THEM louder." And I'm so scared that I just wait for the voices to tell me what to wear, and then I wear it. I still can't shake the feeling that I'm a demon that incarnated, some awful loathsome thing, and this life is a struggle for me to try and overcome my own fallen nature, greater than that of any human. I KNOW and accept the doctrine that God's love is unconditional, even for me, "whether or not I deserve it." But then I think about what I've heard about that. Yes, God loves me as His creation, but didn't He place me here, then? Isn't my evil state HIS plan, His will? Wouldn't that make the angry zealot voices in my head 100% right, in saying that it is God's will that I suffer because I'm meant to suffer? That I'm NOT supposed to get out of this? I guess I could deal with that if it were for a greater purpose, but... see, there's a bit of a problem with that mindset I think.
Remember my old 2008 belief of being a "waste-lock," a canister for all the awful sin in the world, the fervent belief that I was the sole most evil person on the planet SOLELY because I HELD all the evil in other people? And if I died, I would take the evil with me, and everyone else could live in peace? But I couldn't kill myself or it would let the evil OUT and infect the world? Which is why I kept begging other people to kill me for a while. Always too scared to commit suicide because "that would be the single most horrible act you could do to the world, you'd be hurting other people even in your death, you bastard." Convinced that I was the focal point of every nightmare, every sin, every iota of corruption. And the sick part is that some days I really hoped that was true, I REALLY wanted it to be true... if all that evil was in me, then everyone else was safe. EVERYONE else could be happy. Once I died they would all be free.

I thought about that a lot as a kid. "If I had to resign myself to oblivion, in order to save everyone else, could I do it?" It was the thought that I would have to relinquish not only my salvation, but my existence, in order for all of humanity to be freed from their suffering and brought, joyfully and forgiven, to God. I don't know why I thought I had to be some sort of scapegoat for existence, but it haunted me almost constantly. And I chose yes, you know. I decided, many many years ago, that if I had to choose between MY going to heaven and everyone else, ever, going to heaven... then I'd be the only person in hell, forever. I'd sacrifice that much.

That's what scares me about this "mental disorder," did you know? Because, everyone talks to me like "one day you're going to get better!" "one day you're going to be just like you once were!" and they don't realize what that means. "Get better" meaning... what? That I'll suddenly become whoever I was at age 7 again? I don't know who that was! But it feels like no one wants ME to get better. They want me to just go away, forever, and die, so they can have their mouthy 7-year-old daughter with the bad temper and selfish attitude back. She's long gone, I don't know how to tell you that, she's been gone for a very, very long time. But no one wants me to live. No one wants us, we're the "problem."
People smile at me and say "one day you'll be the person we remember." Whoever that was. And that's the point! They want ONE person to survive, the one person they decided they liked, and everyone else will DIE.
It feels like that childhood sacrifice, brought to terrible reality at long last. "You have to die, FOREVER, and forfeit all chance of happiness or salvation, so that this ONE person can come back to life and make other people happy." That's the sentence we get, every time someone else talks about our "recovery."
And the horrible thing is, I'm depressed enough to just say "okay, then let me die, I don't care anymore"... but... there are some days when I'm not. There are some days when a LOT of us are not. Sometimes I'll just sit outside and think, "the trees are really pretty today," or I'll hear Laurie or Knife talking about how cool it is to be able to walk, or hear music, or smell flowers, or look at Christmas lights. Sometimes I'll see one of the little kids out, hugging a teddy bear, or reading a book, totally happy for a second. Sometimes I'll feel like, maybe this isn't so bad, maybe we can all be happy one day, wouldn't that be amazing? Maybe all the pain we were born from can just go away, and we can all live together. Wouldn't that be nice.
And then someone says "I hope all your voices go away and you're back to normal" and it feels like an arrow to the heart.
"Normal" for them means shopping and movies and games and loud laughing. But we're not like that, we're quiet and gentle, why do people act like there's something "wrong" with us even when we're trying to be happy?
"I want you to be normal," they say, and it sounds like, "it doesn't matter whether or not you're happy." Our happiness doesn't matter. As long as everyone else is "happy." That's what matters, right?
"Would you die, to resurrect a child who is long dead," they seem to ask. "Would you integrate, and abandon any chance of life and happiness you may have, to make everyone else happy?"
Would I? Should I?
I don't know.

I'm feeling so sick. The nausea and dizziness are overwhelming, I want to vomit. I'm sorry, I have to go.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, I've decided something.
I want to integrate. Or, even better, I want everyone else to just not have anything to do with me anymore, without having to kill them or absorb them like some sort of cannibalistic parasite.

In any case, I've realized that I have NO TROUBLES when I am out of headspace, or when nothing forces me to go back there. None!
The entire month of August was brilliant because nobody was around. I had no hacks, it was great. As soon as people started showing up again, boom, here comes the triggers and hypervigilance. I'm tired of that, really.

So yes. I'm going to tell the therapist this if I can. Let's just stop this facade, this game that has no more purpose. You ever wonder why we don't have access to the trauma memories anymore? Because we're not tied to that timeline anymore! However, headspace was created BECAUSE OF IT. So why in the world would I go back there, if it only exists because of trauma? I see no good reason why.

I don't know what happened to Jay, you know, the one with white hair who manned the system from 2011-2013 (the scratch). He's long gone I think. His "family" is gone too, as are all the Upstairs people he worked with, except for Laurie, which is why I stay away from her.
I want all the Undergrounders gone though. All of them. They are all rooted quite firmly in abuse, and that is no longer needed. So they need to be the first to go.

As I said, I will bring this up on Tuesday, before they even start trying to talk about trauma, which is silly because that doesn't happen anymore. Hopefully we can stop going to see the therapist then. Why in the world do we need a therapist, when there is nothing wrong? We're just deluding ourselves into thinking we have a "problem" when OUR mindset is the "problem!"

Bottom line, I want to be alone. Let headspace go away entirely, and let the body just live without freaking out all the time. And let the League work start again, without being tainted by Julie and her ilk. That's not right. This entire headspace situation just fucked up the body's purpose big time. When the body was a child, it worked without fear, without identity. As soon as the hacks started, the work was put on pause. That was practically 11 YEARS AGO!! It's about time we turned our back on this stupid "trauma" nonsense, that WE perpetuated; leave it all in the dust and just pick up where we left off. Seriously.

Also, you probably don't know this as other people don't care, but we technically still don't have internet access. "Well how are you using it now," you say. Easy. We drag the work laptop into the living room and plug it into the router, where we have nowhere to sit and doing so is painful. But isn't that stupid! We're using the WORK COMPUTER to go on the freaking INTERNET and do stupid HEADSPACE stuff!! This is the very definition of corruption!! What idiot decided to do this!! You are bogging down our computer for CREATIVITY with stupid DRAMA. STOP.

Uh-oh, we're losing sight, falling into bad things. Forget about it. DON'T use the word "we" or "us." Don't give them any attention.
So let's stop forcing ourselves to use the internet. Delete everything off this computer that isn't work.
Delete everything in the mind that isn't work, too. Get rid of all the memories that are old and irrelevant now.

Integration, deletion, or oblivion. Those are the only options headspace has left.

I will not update here anymore. This is over.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
All right, since the therapist is giving us copies of certain chapter pages from Amongst Ourselves, I thought it would be prudent to record our answers to the questions they offer in here.
The first set is in chapter 3, and it deals with types of memories.
Since I could tell this would be very difficult to fill out in handwriting-- we tend to dissociate dramatically when writing by hand and it can become literally impossible to continue if it's bad enough-- it is going on here instead. Logic alters such as myself are better suited for typed words, as we do not have to worry about the strain of fronting and the AP translation blocker when doing so.
After the questions we will likely post a separate entrie documenting our thoughts concerning the rest of the chapter. I should like to keep them separate.

Whoever is willing and able to answer these questions, please do so. Do not hesitate to ask for help, support, or assistance if it is needed. Thank you.
Nothing will be censored or otherwise edited. Feel free to write what you wish, as you wish, however you wish.
I may take it upon myself to make a coherent final version, but your input will be left untouched.


"Think about situations that you know you may be overreacting to. In your journal, record as many of these situations as you can. Once you have them recorded, try to answer the following items. Write your answers in your journal."

We will be referring to the archive for this 'list,' as we do not feel capable of currently creating an entire new one just yet: not only are those tied to those situations still emotionally raw concerning them, but we also do not yet know who holds the actual trauma memories.
Questions will therefore be answered according to past data, or current knowledge, both of which will be explained when needed.

1. What are the triggers that made you overreact?
Being touched, ALWAYS. // (Well, not always, but often enough.) // Mostly, it's unintentional or sudden, light touch. Being bumped into, accidentally brushed past, even tapped on the shoulder, is horrifying. // The WORST is when people do that and DON'T LET GO. Like when people try to move you in another direction, they put their hand on your back and try to change your direction. It's HORRID. // I don't even like being aware of physical sensation. Feeling the hair on my head, or clothing, or even just being aware of my physical body can trigger people that get overwhelmed by it. // I DON'T LIKE CLOTHES! // But not having clothes is dangerous. // THAT'S another thing! We have to share a bed at night and it scares the littles, but we can't avoid it. But sometimes the grandmother will tap us with her foot, or reach over and just drop her hand onto the covers, just to check if we're there but it's SCARY. I know someone used to actually scream when that happened. It scared her a few times but they couldn't help it. I understand. // So... touch in general can be a trigger. // The biggest, probably. // Oh, and food. // ...Is she around? // No, just be careful. Food makes her angry. And it makes the body feel sick and strange so we don't like it either. Neither did Emmett. Or Spine, I think. I didn't know her. // Is that tied to feeling though? // Mostly. Also body image, because of dysphoria-- gender and form related-- and the trauma. // So food and touch. Anything else? // Loud noises. Noise in general, sometimes. People talking, // PEOPLE WHSIPERING // Anything small and weird like that. Chewing comes to mind. Same with grunts and things. Non-verbal sounds. // ALL OF THEM. // Certain words too. And the way they're pronounced. If you say a letter wrong, or we think the wrong context, it can get bad. // And some people 'feel" loud. Some people walk by and they feel so ANGRY or sad or sick that we pick it up, and it's AWFUL because the only way to escape it is to go outside for a long while. // I don't like the grandmother. // A LOT of us don't. She's a walking barrel of triggers. // Like a loaded gun. She won't stop talking. EVER. // No social graces. // Okay, point taken. // AND SHE'S ALWAYS MAD!!! // So... empathy? Is a trigger? Why? // Hm. Probably because of how WE used to feel like that. After hacks and all, there would be horrible suicidal feeling. // All right, anything else? // Ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape. // No, don't talk about those. No one remembers those. // That's the point. But when you remember, they can all be bad. // So just forget about them. Let it go. // Any smells? // YES BUT WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT!!!!! // Okay. // STOP TALKNG ABOUT IT. STOP. STOP! // Okay. We will. I think we got enough information here.

2. What kinds of sounds are likely to trigger reactions or memories? Do you overreact to loud noises? Whispering? Drumming? Chanting?
YES ALL OF THOSE // We just mentioned those. Loud noises immediately elicit hypervigilance, usually not even panic until we can figure out what the heck is going on and whether or not we are safe. // Loud NOISES. Not voices. Loud VOICES are immediate panic, and usualy trigger somebody. Usually a little. // Think of the children. Don't yell. // Whispering is even worse, but we all know that. We won't talk about it anymore, as oddly that's one of the most disturbing things we have to put up with. Not sure why? Where is that rooted? // Well find out later. Answer the main question. What about the drumming and chanting? Why would that trigger you? // I don't know. It just makes me deeply uneasy and nervous. Scared, but not in the way whispering makes me scared. // Scared more in the way of "something ominous is going to happen," or "something is very very wrong here." Not "oh my god I'm going to die or be killed." // Not the same? // No. Death can happen as a consequence. Not just direct intention. // Okay. Was there ever drumming or chanting in the childhood? // Not that I know of, but there WAS a lot of religious practice. Lots of weird repetetive prayer, and the like. And that was always in a negative light, rosaries were used as punishment if you were a terrible person. Prayers were said while being threatened by the devil, or hell, or beng told that Jesus doesn't love you because you're a bad boy. So prayer, or chanting, got tied to damnation and unforgiveness. It's why praying now, in a traditional form, feels wrong. It makes us automatically 'feel' that old creeping fear. // Drumming? // Drumming freaks me out. // Why? // Rhythm. Let's not say anything more. I really don't want to. // It's tied to the chanting too. It's a repetetive, mindless action to us. Something done in a passive-aggressive threat, or in a way that is ignoring you directly, but saying "this is being done specifically because you are evil, OR because you will be punished." And that was either an imminent warning of great punishment, or part of the punishment. // The drums? // No, the motivation. Sorry I got confused. But that's what drums make ME think of. The chanting repetition. // Otherwise drums seem fairly innocuous. // Not when in rhythm. Never in rhythm. // Are there any other triggering sounds that AREN'T voices? // ...Not in that sense. Some of us are sensitive to sounds, because we "feel" them, but nothing directly tied to trauma that I know of. Except those non-verbal noises like we mentioned. // Okay. // AND GIRLS VOICES ARE ALWAYS BAD, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS // Always? Our therapist doesn't trigger us. // YOUNGER GIRLS MOSTLY. RARELY OLDER GIRLS. ONLY LIKE THE MOTHER. // Ah. And she has a very childish quality to her voice. // So any voices that remind us of Julie are automatic triggers. // THE WORST. // Okay.

3. What kinds of smells trigger your reactions? Do you feel yourself starting to have difficulty concentrating when you smell certain scents?
YES WHY ARE THEY ASKING THESE QUESTIONS // We're safe, nothing is going to happen. // YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, IT MIGHT, SHE COULD HEAR US AND DECIDE TO MAKE IT WORSE. // I'll make sure she doesn't. Go on. // Oh, okay. Wow. So, what sorts of scents cause problems? // Seafood. // Ah. Understood. What else? // Old women. Old people in general. The grandmother. Very bad. // What about food? // Nothing tied to trauma. It's just nauseating. // Chocolate comes close though. // Good point. // PERFUME. // Perfume is evil in general. But I get what you mean. // Nothing tied to the cellar? // Not sure, let me check. Nope, nothing traumatic. It just smells bad and I don't want to smell it is all. // Okay. But the first smell is the worst? // YES // Can't function at all when that's around. Have to leave the room. // Bathrooms. // Ah, yeah. That room was hell for most of our lives, huh? // Yes it was. So forget having a janitor job, we'd freak out. // Understood. // That it? // As far as I know. The only ones that come up are those. // No wait, I thought of an unrelated one. Cigarette smoke. And fair smells. // Oh, you mean like amusement parks and fairgrounds? // Yeah. Anything that you typically smell at those places, or any sort of large outdoor public gathering, can make us severely panic flat-out. I've never figured out why. Perhaps the child was terrified of those places. // Or it could be because they're so loud, literally and figuratively. Plus the child never had any control over what he did there, as far as I am aware, or as far as I have been told. // That might also be why he was terrified of brass bands for most of his life. // Really? // Yeah. He couldn't even hear a trumpet without hyperventilating. He was really scared of the sound of marching bands, maybe because of fairs, maybe because of something else. It's odd, but it counts, I would suppose. // Interesting. So add cigarette smoke for sure, and I would assume the smells of fair food? // Yes. Sometimes just summer air too, that I'm aware of. It's all tied to family vacations which he usually did not enjoy at all. // Got it, thanks.

4. Are there certain ways that people can touch you that make you react? Are there places on your body which trigger memories or reactions? Do you feel like you will explode when someone just touches you on the arm? Your legs? What happens when someone you know and love touches you sexually? Does this trigger strong emotions?
Ouch. // The capslock one was shouting the whole time Sherlock was typing that. It is Sherlock, right? // Probably. Don't talk to him, he's got his own job. // She's crying now. The capslock one. Is that the overload girl? // I don't know. But we talked about this touch stuff earlier. // Only a bit.
(several hour time break)
Answering the second part first, it does not matter where someone touches us-- arms, legs, wherever-- it will typically make us feel like we want to explode. The only semi-safe place to be touched is our head, but that usually causes an anger or stress reaction instead of abject terror and survival instinct fear. This is probably because, in the past, NO ONE would touch our head unless it was a protective gesture, and it was always a heavy touch, not a tap or something (which will drive us nuts). // Laurie and my boss still do this. It's one of the safest things for me. // Okay, we're back in the groove. Good. Let's answer the tough questions then. Are there any specific memory-locked locations, or can it literally be anywhere? // Besides the obvious? Virtually anywhere, as you said. It's not so much about location as it is about sensation. However, the torso is a minefield, now that you mention it. If anyone makes contact with that, the reaction is straight-up blind manic 'rage.' Same with the legs, although that is far more panicked. // Anything else? // Face is total frozen terror unless it's someone I trust, in which case it is totally safe. But that is what makes anyone else touching us there so scary. It's a "safe" action from a potentially abusive and unsafe person. // Okay. That leaves the "obvious" one. Last question. It has an interesting catch though, which makes only a few people able to answer it. "Someone you know and love." Anyone who has been in the body in ANY situation of that sort, even secondary, who can answer this? Or were all those memories pretty much destroyed outright? // Most were destroyed. Which kind of answers the question. // The only person I know of who can legitimately answer that question is J, as he was with Infinitii once within the past two weeks in that sense, albeit during a mostly unconscious state. // So knowing him he'll look back on that and try to ignore the fact of it even happening. // Yes. // So that settles it. Familiarity, trust, et cetera mean absolutely nothing when sexual or pseudo-sexual contact is involved. // Pseudo-sexual? // Anything in that general area of the body that does not have explicit sexual intentions. Even just an accidental contact. Details do not matter. If it is in that area then I daresay you know exactly what the reaction will be. // It depends, actually, on who is triggered by it. Jeremiah-- does he ever become triggered by those? // No. He's a post-abuse alter. // The children are also not tied to explicit contact. // They're accidental. And potential. David does not react to threats to that area though, that's Marigold's role, and she panics spectacularly. // Screaming, blackouts. // Sugar will kill you if she manages to get through the fog of horror that surrounds those encounters, and fronts. // She will. But who is triggered by those usually? // I don't know. // Like when there is not a threat, but actual contact. Isn't that a numb alter? // Always. But those don't have names. They're also all drastically suicidal. // I see. That's understandable. // So even if J is with Infi or Chaos-- // The current J doesn't know Chaos. None of us do. Apparently the reboot excluded him. He became too tied to abuse, due to emotional proximity alone, even if he was completely harmless in a 'logical' sense. // So association was his damnation there. // As it is with anyone who gets involved with relationships up here. Anyone. There's too much corruption, danger, and lingering fear and pain. Especially with the Undergrounders being the main system now. // Even Infinitii, whose job is explicitly to change that? // Even him. Remember he is a healer. And a healer has to figure out just what they're healing, and how bad the damage is, before they can do anything. He has to understand what he's working with, and so does J, the core of this. // How is he the core of this? // Bloodline probably. // Oh. But he doesn't hold old trauma memories? // No, but I think he has potential access to them all. I think that's what affects him the most-- peripheral awareness. He gets the consequences without ever having directly experienced things himself, at least, not consciously, or not that he's aware of. // So we still don't know WHO was actually abused when the body was a teenager. // No. // Does... who has the early 2012 memories? And late 2011? I thought that was 'me' but it only matches in name. I have absolutely no idea who that was. // Nor do we. I suppose that's an ongoing search then. // Geez this is a trickier subject than I realized. I didn't think there was this much tar still stuck to it. This much pain. // Well there is, and we need to heal it if we want to get anywhere. // It won't be easy. // No. It won't be, not for scars this deep. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can snap your fingers and wish it away. Deep dark roots aren't yanked out in one go. These need to be dug out, carefully, or you will damage the ground all around it, and leave parts of the roots in the ground regardless, where they will regrow. Do you understand? That's what you've been doing. // I see. That makes a lot of sense actually. // So bring up this subject with your therapist, but be prudent about it. And ask for our help whenever you need it. Do NOT hesitate if you feel incapable of doing this alone. You are not alone, not in any sense. And it would be both foolish and irresponsible to assume that you could tackle this all at once, by yourself. One affects all. We all hold parts of this. // Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Next question, then? // If you say so. I suppose no further progress can be made on this right now, not at this hour, not in this state of mind.

5. Are there any tastes which can affect your reactions? If so, what tastes?

Not that I'm aware of? // Ssh. Let us deal with this. // Okay. // Chocolate doesn't trigger us? // Not by taste. It's more of knowledge of who likes to eat it, and what used to inevitably follow. Food itself is indeed a trauma trigger, especially with the ties between lust and gluttony, but taste does not seem to bring back any abusive memories. // But food itself does. // Yes. The act of eating, or the sensation of it, can be traumatic to some of us. // Emmett had it the worst. // He did. But he does not seem to be around anymore. // We lost a lot of people. // "Spice" has food trauma too, if you can call it that. She deals with the pain it causes when we eat. // That's a different category though. There is no one besides Emmett who specifically dealt with the abusive aspect of food. Remember, in the past, Julie would use gluttony as an easy way to overload the Tar, allowing her to ride that reaction wave to hack us brutally. // I don't "remember" it but I'm aware of that. // Good. So this is important, even if in a different way than the question suggested. // I'm surprised that chocolate itself didn't become a trigger though. I mean, sugary food is labeled as demonic to this day, you don't touch it or you die. People freak out whenever there's a risk of eating it. But the taste itself isn't tied to anything. You'd think there would be something. // Be grateful that there is not. Next question. // Wait. What do you call it if I see something that's suggestive, and immediately I freeze up, go into numb mode, want to just sleep or stop existing? // You call that a trigger. Are you the one going numb? // It's more like I start slipping out of the body. // See, I told you there were lots of us. That's probably our main numb one. What do they do? // Nothing. They honestly just... usually it's when I'm online, which is why I stay off it. Like when we used to go on Tumblr, and all of a sudden when scrolling down, someone would post nudity. Usually spiritual blogs too! // Don't even touch that topic right now. It's too convoluted and dangerous. Keep going. // Okay. Well, the instant I saw that, total mood switch. Everything just stopped dead, like someone hit pause on the world. And I'd either x everything off and close the computer, or I'd pull out the plug, or something... either way, within moments I would detach totally, kind of zone out, and then just wish I were dead. "Why did I have to see that," but in a sense like, now that I DID see it, I've been ruined again. And then it's immediate suicidal ideation, or they'll go to sleep, or fall into another addiction just to numb themselves to it and forget. Ironically, Julie waits until later to act on that, if she does. She waits until we're so scraped out from it that we just don't care anymore and she can completely destroy us without us caring. // You mean "us" as in whoever is fronting then. // Yeah. I guess. Pronouns are confusing. I mean I don't even know who I am half the time. // Understandable. That's a good point, thank you for bringing that up. // No problem. It is important. // So, next question.

6. What kinds of visual images trigger reactions? Does watching movies or seeing pictures of violence make you feel out of control? How about watching an adult act affectionately toward a child?
Oh boy, these are both problematic, aren't they. // Yes. Explain. // Okay. The first is less of a trigger and more of total dissonance. I cannot handle violence. It makes me ill, scared, and sometimes very depressed. I just can't handle it in general. // Does it ever trigger you? // If you can call it that. The Undergrounders in charge of retribution may end up getting louder because of it. // Explain? // Razor is fascinated by blood and cutting. Details do not matter. Even if I'm shaking from... oh, maybe that is a trigger. // What? // Pictures of self-abuse. Immediately my brain remembers the situations in which that happened: immediately after hacks, often against my will, 'waking up' after someone slashed up the body, stuff like that. It's scary because immediately I know that that is still something that can happen, at ANY time. So self-abuse is always a trigger, whether I like it or not, because it reaches people who FUNCTION to do that. At least, the last time I was triggered it did. People have been trying to change lately. // Hm. // Do you ever have flashbacks to childhood violence when you see violence onscreen, or in public? // Can't say, I've been avoiding it for a long time. // Think. I'm sure there have been some unavoidable circumstances. How did you react? // ...It's the same as when I accidentally see or hear something sexual or suggestive. Total disconnective shutdown, although for that it's usually shorter, and full of depression and wrenching sadness instead of feeling like I want to die from being 'ruined.' It's like a little-kid sort of "why would people do that," but that's usually me, I'm like that too. // I see. But no flashbacks? // I push them away if they do come up. But I get badly shaken by violence anyway, so that usually keeps memories from surfacing, as I'm trying to cope with the immediate aftereffects. // I see. // What about affection? You said that was a problem too? // It is, ironically. It's because, thanks to the abuse, I see... well, it's two things. One, in the back of my mind I wonder if that affection is genuine or manipulative. Are they only doing that because it's a 'reward' for being a good kid, not spontaneously? And if two seconds later, the kid did something upsetting, the parent would hit them or start yelling? I wonder, and that makes me sad and uncomfortable. I don't like that suspicion, it's horrible, I shouldn't be like this. // Ssh. It's healing, we need to work through this. The second part? // The second part is that I have a hard time, a VERY hard time, seeing ANY relationship outside of a sexual context. Obviously thanks to the abuse and the psychological manipulation that went hand-in-hand with it. You know, telling me that I didn't know my own thoughts and feelings, that I was... you know the drill. I really don't want to talk about it. That I 'wanted it' even if I was screaming in pain. // Ah. And you see even parental relationships like this? // Yes, probably because my abusers were all older than me? Julie not so much, but for parents... see that was all subconscious. My parents didn't abuse me sexually, but the way they acted WHILE I was suffering sexual abuse in my personal life, in unrelated contexts... everything was a trigger. I wondered if they did it on purpose sometimes. I became terrified of them very quickly because they seemed to be walking reminders of what I was afraid of. And because of that, anything affectionate that they did became dangerous. "Are they going to do something sexual to me?" And the BIGGEST thing was that, since the abuse was all centered around "trying to trick me into thinking I was a slut," aka that I "wanted it" from everyone at all times, in stark contrast to my actual orientation, eventually worked. Now I struggle to overcome the automatic assumption that I owe sex to everyone. Like I can't even say hi to a store clerk without automatically thinking that they're trying to have sex with me, and that I am both powerless and unallowed to say no, and that it's already been decided that it will happen if I am not super careful. It's stupid, but it happens. To this day. it colors all my interactions with people and it makes daily life a living hell really. and the WORST part are the programmed phrases that won't go away. Fake phrases that mean nothing to me and pop up in totally irrelevant situations. Like the repeated phrase of "I want to have sex with him/her." As soon as they say hello, or even if they just walk by. And it's NOT AN ACTUAL THOUGHT. It is literally just a string of words, that I've been programmed to react with, thanks to other people constantly telling me that I was SUPPOSED to think that I guess. I don't know. It's a mess. Does that make sense? // Very. Thank you. Does that cover it? // I think so. So the violence doesn't cause actual flashbacks, but it's still incredibly difficult to deal with? // Yeah. I can't remember having any flashbacks from seeing it. // And affection, for you, always holds sexual connotations? // Seems to. Even if I don't want it to. It's why I can't hold friendships well with anyone. I ALWAYS assume it's going to lead to sex if I let my guard down. It's sad. // Hmm. // So I guess that's why your relationships fail upstairs too. // Fail in what way? // Are you aware of any relationships? // No. // That answers my question. Moving on. // Wait, I know the person with my name in the past had a few. But not me. How did theirs fail? // By them turning into you, apparently. Next. // No no no, how does that apply? // Look at it this way. Do you WANT a relationship? Or a friendship? Or any sort of interaction with another person on a personal level of that sort? No, right? // Right. // Because... why? Because you assume it HAS to be sexual. Because you cannot have a friend without assuming you owe them sex at all times, and cannot refuse, and have forgotten how to refuse, and have compartmentalized or buried your own feelings of fear and disgust and anger and resentment and self-loathing out of the drive for sirvival, and the numbness that accompanies prolonged abuse. You have effectively deleted your self at this point. You do not want sex, correct? // No. I have no desire for it. // But if someone, right now, someone that has only positive intentions toward you, asked you to have sex with them, and said they would understand if you said no, and would not press the matter, what would you say? // I would say it's okay, go ahead, I don't have a problem with it. // And would that be a lie? // At the moment I wouldn't be able to tell. // At the moment, would that be you? // I don't know. // And how would "you" react once the act was performed? // Suicidal. // Ah, that was a quick response. // And I'd want the other person to disappear forever. Forget about them. Make them forget me. Not even hating them anymore, just make it all go away, make it never have happened in the first place. // Hence your "not being aware of any relationships." // Can we not talk about this. // I did not ask to, you did. But perhaps it was for the best. Number seven, please.

7. Are there times that you have had people ask you what is wrong because you are acting abnormally? Why were you acting the ways you were during those times? Was it watching a scene in a movie or hearing someone yell? Could it have been an activity you were engaging in?
Are we aware of any incidents like this? We don't typically interact with people. // No, we don't. Did the Utah time period have any incidents like this? // There was the 'throwing a bowl in the sink' think that "J" still hates himself for. But that was "Spice," obviously. Everything in that situation lines up to it being her. // "Everything?" What do we even know about it? // Not much admittedly. All I know is that the body was eating, it was called out on it since that food was assumed to be damaging, and immediately there was a sudden and total dramatic mood switch, and the bowl was thrown. Knowing Spice, she would have also spit the food out and started screaming in self-hatred as well if she had been allowed to. But I can only assume a numb alter or the AP came out then, as the memory cuts off after a few moments. // Is that the only case of abnormal behavior we know of? // Nothing specific. There is not much stored memory to sift through, I am sorry. // That's fine. What about the examples? // "J" doesn't watch movies anymore and neither do we. // What about the yelling? That's obviously a trigger. // It is. But his dramatic reactions to it are seen as "normal" at this point. // Such as? // Crying, hiding, acting like a-- no, I apologize, that was identified as David, wasn't it. // Yes, before he manifested. // I see. Was that pointed out? // Possibly. But the mother does not give much attention to his reactions anymore, as they have been going on for years. Now she is exasperated and careless, not concerned or confused. // That makes sense. // But this is why he is afraid to work. He cannot work with angry or upset people without someone being triggered. That would elicit a less-than-favorable response, I assume. // I see. // Any activity abnormalities? // What sort of "abnormalities" are we looking for? // I think the problem is that this is assuming other people are around him when we come out, or when others do. He has such acute anxiety around people that he avoids them whenever possible, and will not engage in recreational activities if there is so much as the potential for someone to walk in on him. // Shame? // Partly. That and fear. And people being triggered whenever social interaction is necessary. // The manic one? // Obviously. We don't like her, but apparently some people outside do. She's built to get people to like her after all. // So the fronters around people are typically suited to making them think everything is a-okay. // Typically. Remember it's not foolproof. You can't have a social fronter out ALL the time. They aren't hosts or cores. They can't front if there's no opportunity or anchoring point for them to do so. // Anchoring point? // Say the body was just triggered. There is nothing for a non-trigger alter to hang onto if they wanted to front. They would literally have to force their way past it, but then they'd be working through a fog, that would be dragging them back in, as they are incompatible with it. We have a system running, you know. // So being seen as abnormal by others is something rare for us, simply because we are not around others. // Correct. // Interesting. Next.

8. If you can, identify
what these triggers remind you of. This may be difficult for you if you have not yet dealt with the original issues of trauma, and you may decide to wait until you've done some work in this area.
Should we wait? Who do we ask? // Did we not identify the sources of most triggers? // Vaguely. I think this is asking for specific events. // Not necessarily. // But all we can say is "this reminds us of Julie" or "this reminds us of the grandmother or the mother." We haven't said much about what it is about them we are being reminded of. Not specifically. // I don't think we're ready for that. // I don't think we have ACCESS to that. Like Sherlock said, who the hell has the memories? Not me that's for sure. Not you either, or him. // True. Does J? // If he does it's not direct. If he resets every time there's a relationship fallout, then he's not going to be ABLE to remember those things, let alone willing. If he tries he will slip out as he did earlier. His identity is mutable and unstable the way it is. Boy doesn't know his own name most of the time. // So do we leave this unanswered, or do we guess? // Let's just summarize what we know. Touches remind us of sexual abuse from Julie, loud sounds are probably from childhood, when parental figures were loud and violent... smells or sounds remind us of the grandmother or mother, or are from them, both of whom were reminders of sexual abuse I assume? // That's a foggy one, yeah. // Is it because they are women? // Well the sounds themselves are triggering, but what about the smells? That's tied to them specifically. What about them is so threatening? Is it the relationship sex assumption? // Maybe? // Wasn't David triggered by woman's shoes initially? The same kind the grandmother wore? // Dude, he was. Why was that? Did he explain it? // No. But we were wrong, David WAS tied to sexual triggers related to the parental figures, at least while he was still apparently "fused with Kyanos." It says so here. // All that is confusing to me. But we don't need to review that now. The point is, nothing specific? // No. // Perhaps we should wait on this then. The body is sick, and it is already 1:30 AM. We can't make much safe progress at this hour anyway. // You're right. Thank you for your assistance then. // You as well.

okay whatever all that information is i have NO time to review it tonight, i still remember the bit when i spoke up earlier and apparently they were using archive data so I SHOULD be able to get that if i need it.
anyway yes i am feeling sick and scared, diet hasnt been good, horribly dizzy today too, almost passed out a few times. need sleep now.
good luck and good night, wish me well this isnt nice. see you after the session tomorrow here's hoping sherlock doesn't drag me out afterwards if he comes out, that was humiliating. just busting you man whatever you did i trust it was better than whatever i would have done.
good night for real now.


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The Lightraye System

January 2014

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