dec 10

Dec. 10th, 2013 11:04 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you visit the archive, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll fucking kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing all that shit on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (God what a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented as hell, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember shit and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it fucking sucks in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the ass, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the hell happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't fucking know. I'm just pissed and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but damn I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing shit, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just fucking hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Damn it. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain shit to. See you later.

nov 07

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White is the opposite I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

oct 21

Oct. 21st, 2013 02:37 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, really quick, things that happened today.
(Jay and Jewel updating together as usual.)

- Absolutely insane therapy session. Laurie, Knife, and David were ALL trying to front. Sherlock did for a moment, Knife said "get him out." I (Jay) was there for a little bit, but mostly it was the "empty me" that we're thinking is a splinter?? (Remember Fragment?) David did a lot of talking, the therapist paid special attention to him, that made him really happy. Mulberry was around, she contributed to inner conversation, I think Jeremiah was hanging around too, silently. Knife DID front for like 20 seconds at the end (he couldn't stay because it involved casual speech and he has no clue how to do that yet), but he had been trying to get through for a great deal of the session beforehand. I mention that because at one point during that effort, the current fronter tried to push him out, but when they did I FELT him "reach out" and literally pull himself back into fronting, like holding onto land in a strong water current. That shocked me, even as an observer, because I haven't tangibly felt energy in headspace in a while, but wow that was clear.
Also very important, I noticed someone specific was fronting at one point that was NOT Sherlock or a social, they were watching us upstairs and giving a very accurate play-by-play without censoring or intellectualizing it? I tried to recognize their energy, and you know what, the closest match was THIS PERSON. I'm not saying it's the same voice, but the energy was close. It was that kind of hard yet respectable seriousness. So that was interesting. (I'm kind of curious about all these guys now, especially since we're seeking unity again; work with Knife and see if they want to manifest so we can work with them.)
As for therapy points (because I usually forget them by myself but Knife and Laurie paid attention this time)... we discussed how David was scared of "me," the way hacks bleed over into headspace even if I try to ignore them physically, the day Mulberry manifested (the car accident), the compartmentalization of reactions and emotions into people, David's strong fear reaction to the word "nurture" revealing that we learned to associate "motherly behavior" with "conscious malevolence" as a child, due to my mother's spiteful attitudes, and . I also have a personal memory of feeling "cut off" from headspace and not being able to hear people, until I said something stupid and Laurie literally "ran over" to me and started shouting "that is bullshit," calling everyone else over in her anger and refusing to let me continue in that train of thought. Actually she was yelling "bullshit" quite often during the appointment; I must have been slipping badly.
One VERY important thing I want to note is that, when Knife and Laurie were literally trying to shove through into fronting, and the current fronter was trying to "shove them back," it didn't manifest entirely as a headache. Yes, there was one, but most of the pain was focused in the heart center, which strikes me in hindsight as very significant. Hacks don't feel like that; heck, most fronting doesn't! But those two kept trying to talk, and they kept moving into that area, instead of just the head. I need to tell whoever the numb-fronter is, don't forbid those two from talking when they want to. I don't care if Laurie swears and is brutally honest, or if Knife is stiff and overly formal. I don't care how "socially jarring" they are. That is NO REASON for the AP and/or the buffer to try and shut them up. Same with David. He's a scared kid, and if he wants to cry or speak up for himself in the body, LET HIM.
After the session (which Jay was barely present for downstairs obviously), we all agreed that we need to do what Cameron West did in that book of his we all love... we need to take time every day, and practice fronting. All of us. We need to start slowly tearing down the walls that the AP and the socials have built out of misguided self-protection and fear, so that we can all live honestly and openly, together. It won't be easy, that's obvious. But we're trying.

- On that note we've all decided, in a bit of childlike simplicity, to start up that "blc bead" project we planned months ago: we were all going to find beads of our personal colors, and string them together onto a necklace or something, just to have a tangible reminder to hold on to at all times. Knife also said we could use that to indicate who is trying to front during therapy as well, if we can't talk or get through all the way. I think that's a good idea.

- Laurie drove for a bit on the way home, so did Zwei (they were joking with each other for a while about singing; Zwei said the difference was that she was supposed to sing when she was out, that was her top job) and Jewel, for a tiny bit. Laurie reiterated the importance of us "being able to live our own physical lives without losing our actual inner selves," something we all struggle with thanks to dysphoria and mistranslation and the like. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the fact that we exist, that we are alive, even if it's all in one body. So she drove for a bit, but then we needed to stop the library and Laurie laughed that she was "not going to go through that again," saying that people were "scared of her" because of the way her energy translated (it's sharp by nature). To that, Knife asked if he could try then? Laurie said sure, so she handed over the reins, and Knife went to the library. I'll say this-- he anchors shockingly well! Whereas Laurie has a lot of trouble anchoring her self-image onto the body, Knife does so effortlessly. When he fronts, you can feel his cape trailing, and his long hair, and his fangs. So he was able to hold that strongly right up until the service desk, when of course we had to talk, so boom: instant AP. Knife apologized again, because it's a common trouble to not know how to interact with humans but it's still frustrating. Laurie said that was fine, and complimented him on how well he had actually fronted regardless. So that was cool. I don't know who drove home, that whole thing is a blur, I can barely access data memories of it. It might have been a disconnected social. Either way I won't worry about it.

- Possibly the most important thing of today: we had The Dear Hunter's "The Color Spectrum" album on while driving home at the start (obviously), and surprisingly, Laurie skipped to Indigo instead of Violet, saying "why the hell not." But then she suddenly said that, if Leon could hear her, wherever he was and whatever condition he was in, then she wanted him to try and front, or at least manifest somehow. After declaring that she "backed out" a little bit, but projecting what she remembered of Leon's energy into the music, and after about 20 seconds she suddenly laughed, raised a hand to her forehead, and incredulously stated, "that's not my hair." Literally as soon as she said that she was "phased out" of fronting entirely, and I swear, LEON WAS THERE. Not completely of course-- the AP was still driving the body, but Leon was there as a sort of overlay, consciously, but faintly. I can clearly remember that the body was feeling not only his signature emo-bangs hairstyle, but also his anorexic thinness (that kind of worried me; he hasn't been that thin in a long time), and-- to my surprise-- his silver scales-of-justice necklace. I wasn't aware he still wore that, but there it was. He had his eyes closed (energetically), but he was tangibly reaching out to the music ("What Time Taught Us") and the lyrics... "be alive, cause nothing lasts for good, or like you thought it would"... focusing only on existing, even in that small sense. When the song ended he lost the link for good and couldn't stick around, but that was significant! It seems that most "dead" or de-manifested headvoices get their energy stuck in the raw realms, and if you give them enough of an anchor to hold on to in solidified headspace, they can "pull themselves out" of it. I think that's how Lynne came back to us (although I still don't know how she got so bruised and hurt; Laurie has had her all bandaged up for about two weeks now), and it's also how I got myself anchored back into headspace after the initial Scratch. The real trick is finding people in that miasma of white energy: the Central people might still have rudimentary forms, but when Javier was still in pre-existence, he was basically just a collection of energy that matched his "soul resonance" if you want to call it that. Totally non-corporeal, intangible, only observable if you could tune into his vibration. He unfortunately seems to have de-manifested completely after the reset, but I don't want that happening to the Central people we are still struggling to find again (Spine, Nathaniel, Emmett, Waldorf, and Leon: Jo keeps blinking in and out, and Lynne is manifested again). Laurie agrees with me that this needs to be a big effort from all of us.

- Genesis showed up when I went apple-picking, I literally just surrendered to the reality of his presence when he showed up, ignoring the instinct to doubt and ignore. As a result we had SO MUCH FUN, it was as if he had never left. As usual we ended up making a sort of game out of the situation, which Laurie admitted she was watching "and laughing to herself" after we accidentally spilled half a bag of apples on a slope, and Genesis jokingly said "the bugs are getting revenge for us taking the top pickings." The whole thing was so funny that we all ended up laughing by the end, I hope this stays an injoke (like the millet incident) because it was great (Silly notes: the yellow apples are "hard mode," God tier apples are sideways, demon bugs take points, bonus points if you don't disturb birds nests, apples on the ground are the "tutorial level" but Laurie said "that's only if you're a deer, and you're not a fucking deer so start picking those apples").
HOWEVER. As soon as Genesis showed up, I asked him where he had been, and he said, "in Parnassus," his native world. I said I hadn't seen him there, and to that he replied, "what timeframe are you looking in?" As I considered that, though, he said something even more incredible: he wasn't the only one staying there. Xenophon and Chaos were there with him, too. Gen said that Chaos was still having a hard time adjusting to the sudden and jarring switch in his life situation, but he was dealing. Xennie was doing better, thankfully. I keep getting weird vibes that she's changed, appearance-wise, possibly because of the huge energy shake-ups of the resets (she reacts to those). But I don't know, I haven't seen her in months. Anyway Gen said that he and Laurie both agreed that no other outspacers were allowed back into headspace before we had things settled out and stabilized; it was too dangerous otherwise.

- Genesis and I really wanted to try the apples (or, as we said, the "top pickings") when we got home, and Laurie good-naturedly said we could IF we asked Spice first. I agreed, and in an instant of intuition (that I haven't used in ages), I "sensed out" Spice's energy and then warped us all to her. She was in either a small manifested pocket of raw headspace, or somewhere in midspace-- it looked vaguely like the hallway in our physical house, but it felt floating, and on a low level (not quite underground, but still "under the ground," if you get the picture?). Either way she looked morose and hollow, and I felt bad, so I clearly explained that we wanted to try the apples, but ONLY if she was okay with it. She looked a little scared and said that would hurt, I said then we could just have the juice from them instead of eating them, as I know that caused her pain. I think around here Laurie spoke up, because I clearly remember her telling Spice that she was the protector of all of headspace and its inhabitants, including her (Spice). Spice said well, what if a fellow headvoice was hurting her (obviously referencing me)? Laurie smiled wryly and said that if I was "going to act like an asshole" and make such a stupid decision, then yes, she'd still protect Spice from me. No playing favorites, you know. Either way I was personally moved by this show of kindness from her, and reassured Spice that I was no threat to her; I just had problems with identity slips. Laurie reiterated that that's why she was backing me up. Anyway Genesis and I got the go-ahead, the apples were absolutely INCREDIBLE (or as I said, "fjcssing insceredle"), and Spice didn't get sick. So everything worked out for the best.
Oh, also. Spice expressed a fear that we all have and tend to overlook... the sad but real fear that, since so many of us were born from trauma and/or pain, and our original roles were so strongly tied to that... would we still exist, would we still be real, if our roles changed so dramatically? If Spice was manifested specifically to buffer and combat the awful pain we would get from food, but she doesn't want to deal with so much pain anymore and neither do any of us, would she still be able to live if she "let go" of that initial anchor? Honestly all we can say is "yes, IF you find a new anchor." I still say that's why we lost so many people in the resets; our anchors just wore out. It's why so many of us keep slipping now (notably Sugar), and why those with new anchors (notably Knife) suddenly gained a massive increase in stability. To be blunt, Knife is still tied to his original retributive function, but he's moving out of it a bit more day by day. So we're going to help Spice do that, once she decides what she wants her new role to be. And it can be anything. Like Laurie said, we all deserve to live and be happy, and we all deserve to live. If we choose our new roles with that in mind, for the purpose of health and growth and unity, then we'll all be fine.

- Last thing I need to record; Infinitii said something to me when I got home, about the hacking problems we've been having? He hasn't been around much lately, and when he is, he either looks sick or he stays off to the side and doesn't talk or move. However, it struck me that when he was talking now, he was talking WITH HIS WINGS, which was a good sign: I've realized that, like me, Infinitii actually manifests "slippage" or hacks that can be detected if you watch, and the biggest one is his having both an eye and a mouth on his face (he should only have one or the other normally). Every single time he's had both, he's been under Tar influence. Anyway, I know he was responding to Laurie, because she had rebuked me for going into "numbness mode" and cutting myself off from everything, in order to survive hacks? I literally "detach from reality" and kind of shut down, not caring whether or not I get hurt, because to feel or be aware of the situation would be too horrifying. (As I mentioned earlier, that sounds a LOT like my old splinters, so I will look into that.) But Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men. Isn't that tragically ironic though? We both treasure life so much, that we're willing to sacrifice anything just to keep existing, even if it's an empty, battered existence. That's not right. I need to somehow work closely with him again, without putting either of us in danger... my head just sent me a spark, "the red will help." A balance, somehow. It's a thought.

That's all I can remember right now; I haven't eaten much today and that's messing with my concentration, so let me take a break and do that. I have a lot more work to do later, but since we have another session on Thursday I will put aside some time for headspace in between all of that.
See you!

oct 08

Oct. 9th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoops, it's 2am and I forgot to summarize the day. Ummm I'm gonna forget this in the morning if I don't put it down quick, give me a second.

-therapy today was weird. lots of upset talking but i don't remember it. someone does though!! i'll ask them later what it was, i know it was very important, so thank you to that person whoever you are
-almost done with many waters, not yet though, 20 more pages!
-still recovering from being very sick. not sure how much is heat exhaustion, how much is maybe flu, how much is dietary troubles, how much is stress, blehh whatever. just headaches and bad dissociation and nausea and temperature problems. but we'll be okay we've been through worse.
-MESITA'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY IT IS BEAUTIFUL! we're wondering if we should get a hard copy that would be so nice, but do we have the money hmm.
-apparently laurie fronted for most of the driving home from therapy? j says he saw her twice, before he got switched back in the library because laurie isn't too keen on social chitchat. but genesis was with her? thinks his role is to help people when they front, since he's outside, keeps them grounded in the body because that's hard for us. but that's really cool, laurie says it's all about practice, that's why she fronted as long as possible, NONE of us are used to social situations so practice is needed. gotta stay safe though.
-um hmm. jay is currently in a bit of fanboy euphoria over pokemon hehe! he loves honedge, he has such a weakness for cyclops-y things. no mouths too, he says. "and it's a sword." told you he was fanboy mode it's funny
-very tired. don't remember much of today. oh yes! we didn't get home until like... 3pm? not sure. didnt eat though so we were very hungry. BUT the mother was home, very loud and extravagant, house was a mess, music blasting, she's dancing and singing loud, SO many of us got terrified and scared. someone started yelling "i hate her, i hate her, i don't want to go near her" and jay listened!! he didn't let the autopilot shut her up, he stood back and let her front and said "okay, i won't go near her, can you tell me why you hate her?" but he was TALKING to her about it and he DIDN'T go anywhere near her, but then we didn't get to eat today until after 6PM so we got very sick!!
-also i know a little boy fronted for a bit after the mother suddenly pranced over to us and started dancing with no explanation, we left and went down the celler and they just started sobbing hysterically, again jay didn't let the ap shut anyone up. let the boy cry because he was scared. he said "thank you" and then stopped and left, but it was nice that he wasnt ignored because the autopilot usually blocks crying.
-hm what else. not much i think. oh yes i think jay or jewel was drawing jewel monsters today?? OH!! that's what he wants to say!! that same angry scared female voice that he was talking to (she feels like something halfway between sugar and overload, j says. definitely the person we couldnt identify for ever) actually told him to work on the dw stuff? she said she LIKED it, he describes it as "she was blushing like a ten year old" like she really thought it was cool, she would feel less scared seeing him work on it. so i know either j or jewel or both were drawing dream world stuff for two hours while we waited for the mother to stop being so loud and scary. i know they got a lot done! so that's nice. but it's SUCH A SURPRISE i mean none of us thought we could know about dw without dying or things being tainted, there was such a huge split between the artists and the trauma people, so the latter wouldn't infect the former. but this is a big ray of hope that's COOL!!
-okay really it is too late and the headache is back so bybye.

AH DUDE WAIT! Jay here, totally forgot something that happened as I was falling asleep, geez I cannot believe that slipped my mind.
First, our "sleeping fronter" is back, but it's NOT Minty? They are a child, and they still love teddy bears, but I can't tell if they're a boy or a girl. Feels like short hair though. Anyway I think they were talking to Jeremiah for a bit, but heaven only knows what about, or for how long. As usual I'm just vaguely aware that yes, they were fronting in the body for a while.

Secondly, again I don't know how it began or happened, but at some point I ended up being "called into" headspace (yes, me, Jay) by another alter? And guess who it was? THE SAGE GUY. We thought he was dead!! Apparently he resurrected though, in MORPHING headspace though, honestly he was NOWHERE near Central, he was in the shifting outerlands or whatever. Dreamspace. So he's 50% safe there and 50% not, proven by WHY he called me there. Okay, so I got called in, so suddenly my consciousness "gathers together" and now I'm aware that I'm kneeling in the snow, in the grove of pines outside the house? (The Diamew anchor.) So first I'm wondering "why is there snow, who called me here," and then I notice that off to the right, by the path going up the hill, there is this MASSIVE TAR SPIDER. Seriously it was as tall as a tree, huge and dripping and creepy. And it was trying to attack or eat something in the air in front of it-- that thing being the Sage-colored alter, being carried by the Tangerine-colored alter (aka the "cool orange guy")! I haven't seen him since WAY before the August reset, where did he come from now! But I'm not complaining, they both seemed okay, but apparently they called me because I am one of the only people in headspace that can fight the Tar without risking total oblivion or being eaten or something equally bad.
Now those two are very lucky that they were smart enough to CALL ME into headspace. Doing that "locks me in" so I was 100% me, meaning I was absolutely in my glittery-eyed "life is awesome" mode, and the snow made it worse, and the Tar itself made it worse by being a spider. For some stupidly hilarious reason, I saw that thing and I didn't even spare a thought for "oh crap that thing can hack me, or possess me, or do awful things to my mind." No, I saw it and thought "oh my goodness it's a giant spider look how pretty it is." And that burst of silly childlike wonder over this insect suddenly allowed me to see even past that, and realize that, since it was Tar, it was technically Black energy. Infinitii's holy ground. Immediately that wonder was paired with a bona fide wave of equally childlike love, love that didn't care how malevolent it may have been at the moment, love that only saw what it had the potential to be besides that, love that actually shook up the Tar enough to get it to back out and bail. And somehow, don't ask me how because it is foggy as all, I was able to get that spider-shaped manifestation of Black energy to shrink down, smaller and smaller, until it was a tiny pinpoint of black light. (Probably using my natural White energy; it's order as opposed to chaos, so that would explain the compression as opposed to expansion?) Then I looked at it, and with a smile, just flipped it over into a white hole. And it worked (thank you headspace logic)! So instantly, there was this burst of white light from it, and we were carried with it out of raw headspace-- you know, the empty white areas. So the two alters were safe now, they could get anywhere from there, Tar couldn't find them in raw whitespace as far as anyone is aware. But unfortunately I cannot tell you anything else because when that white hole exploded, I was washed out with the dreamscape, my consciousness was kicked backwards and suddenly I was seeing the body instead of headspace. It took a few seconds but then I just handed the reins back over to the sleepy kid and God only knows where I went, haha. I have absolutely no recall of time between then and briefly sitting in therapy this morning (Laurie literally standing by me and squeezing my shoulder so I wouldn't dissociate again), not without trudging through data files.
No, wait, I lied. Inadvertently. There is one flashbulb memory of me standing on that hill with the two unnamed alters, facing the house, and I was holding the sage-guy's hand and he was in turn holding the tangerine-guy's hand. I think we were safe at that point. But I remember that clearly because the sage-guy was still smoking and I got a lungful of the smoke, it was all lemony sage as usual, but against the cold winter air it was the most interesting sensation! Like I could breathe even more clearly than usual in the winter, it was cool.

Anyway that is all I have to say, it is now 2:10 AM, good heavens.
I am indeed ridiculously excited over Honedge, the previous alter was correct, I adore cyclops mouthless creature things, haha. And it's a ghost sword. It is gorgeous and I love it. Skrelp too, the scraggly little adorable sea dragon that it is. And it turns into DRAGALGE okay I cannot rant about Pokemon here, that's over here incidentally, although it may or may not be 100% me. I don't care, I literally burst out laughing whenever I re-read those.
Oh yeah! The fronter who wrote the first half of this entry forgot to mention. Someone else fronted on the drive home, not just Laurie. I don't know who they were, but I clearly am aware of them because they showed up while I was trying to front (I couldn't anchor in well and they were too excited). But they rival me in terms of wonder, honestly, they were lucky enough to show up right when JT's new song "You Got It On" started playing from the car CD, and I swear this kid was sparkly-eyed and smiling like a five year old. It was adorable, they thought the song was so cool. I forget when they stopped fronting, but looking back on the log for them, I have to say it's nice to know we have at least one other alter that DOESN'T exist because of trauma. They just exist to enjoy everything like they've never experienced any of it before, because they literally haven't. And having them show up after whatever in the world happened in therapy today (I honestly have no clue, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and dig through the data logs for it) was really a godsend.
There are so many social alters showing up now that don't have names or clear faces. Isn't that odd? It all started out with Upstairs people, the gang up from Central, but... most of them are dead or missing now, what with all the resets of the past year. But in their place came the Undergrounders, tied to trauma and pain and suppressed suffering, to help us heal from it, to clean it out. Knife and Razor and Sugar and Mulberry and Jeremiah and David and Marigold. But there were a few people who didn't quite fit their group, people with no names... like the sage-guy and the tangerine-guy (who DOES have wings, what the heck is he) who are thankfully alive again somehow. So now I'm wondering, is it their level's turn to shine now? It could be, it could be time for a level that really doesn't care about the trauma because it's never touched them. They, somehow, were born from something totally unaffected by that. And we need that. We all need that right now.

WAIT. Last thing, last thing. This is important.
Infinitii has TWO MODES. I literally forgot about this entirely until he switched in front of me today and I was like "dude I TOTALLY forgot you could do that." Each mode has an appearance and personality shift, but they are STILL both him. This fits his Black energy anchor, the mutability of it.
Either way, the first mode, the one we're all the most familiar with, is when his personality is quiet, emotional, reflective, empathetic, etc. The one where you cannot be around him without feeling100% vulnerable and sincere because he just radiates that. The "angelic" one. It's when Infi has one big silvery cyclopean eye, NO mouth on his face, but mouths all over his wings. And when he talks, it's from his wings, and it echoes. His voice is wise but innocent, young but old, overwhelming but intimate. He uses a lot of body language in this form, mostly with his hands, and it's captivating; honestly when I watch him 'talk' it's like watching a manifested prayer or something. He is something else.
BUT! He hasn't needed to use his other "mode" in several months, I think; the only time I can concretely reference is the first Xanga session he had with Laurie and Sandman and I, shortly after his manifestation. In this mode, he is tricky, playful, clever, insightful, and conversational. But instead of an angelic aura, he feels impish. You respect him, but in a totally different way than you would in his "normal" state; in this form you respect the authority you feel from him. Is that the right word? It's like you KNOW he knows things, and has a great deal of power, and-- oh! That's what it is. In this form, he has the EDGE that the Tar kicks to extremes. It's the "creepy" side of the Black energy. His more angelic state is the "night sky" side of Black. Same stuff, different manifestation. See? But most notably, in that mode, he has no eye on his face, just a huge toothy grin, which he talks from-- no echo, and a vaguely mischievous vocal tone-- and his wings are now covered in eyes. RED eyes. That's important!! I'm thinking BOTH Infi and I have a mode-switch like this, thanks to holding the monochromatic slots, which would PROVE the long-running theory that monos NEED to anchor into the Red slot to function completely? It's tough to put into language, I wish I could just kythe all of this, haha. It's the natural language in headspace practically. Which is why fronting is so tricky, no one is used to speaking in literal words. We're too used to our odd brand of symbiosis to easily adjust to being "alone" for any short period of time.
Anyway I also... I want to say something odd but true, that I also forgot to write down. About Infinitii.
I... I adore him, I love him, with my entire heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him? It's odd. I look to him for comfort, for the protective shadow of his wings, for the silence of it. I look for the unspoken and wordless understanding between us, for the perfect silence, for the blessed lack of conversation because we don't need it. I cannot imagine chatting with him, or spending time with him as I would with Genesis. It would feel wrong.
And yet at night, I call out to him simply because I want to hold him when I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around this strange angelic thing, all feathers and inky blackness, and not do anything else. I just want his presence there, nothing more, nothing less. Simple.
But I'm not in love with him. I don't feel for him like everyone says I used to for Chaos. And that's... weird? I can't even fathom what it would be like to be "in love" like that. It's like... kind of like Proginoskes said, in A Wind In The Door. "Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." Cherubim don't have feelings, after all; if love were a feeling, how could he possibly love anything like he did?
But there's nothing wrong with the other sort of love either, the "confusing kind." There's nothing wrong with it, even if I don't understand it anymore. I don't understand how at one point, I essentially wanted to marry that aqua-blue alien; I wanted to share my life and soul with him completely and totally, I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, in this life and beyond. I wrote poetry about him, we spent hours together at night, we loved each other more deeply than I had thought possible to experience.
And yet now, I am completely happy with quietly loving Infi but not wanting any of that with him. I am completely content, blissfully so, with the distance, the silence, the lack of traditional "intimacy," because paradoxically, I don't feel any of it is needed. It feels excessive.
Maybe it's because that weird little black being was literally yanked out of my ribcage 8 months ago. Maybe I feel no need to prove the odd spiritual link between us because of that.
I think that's why it scares me, too, when Infi used to slip into the state of mind where he wasn't sure what his role was, what he needed to do. He used to start trying to act like Chaos, like Genesis, like... like Julie, sometimes. When she lied. But it would terrify me, and I would run. After so many times, we both decided it was for the best, and we stopped trying. We stopped attempting conversations and feigning dramatics. We stopped, and went back to silent communion, and that's all I think I need right now.
It's just... strange, after everything. I'm just as close to Infi as I was to Chaos, from what I've been told, in every respect. There is no discrepancy there. But I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever would, or could be. I don't see him as a partner or a lover or anything, and the thought itself feels wrong. I only see him as Infinitii, just what he is, someone that I know, and who I just happen to love more than I understand. And we're safe, completely safe, like this.
...I have no idea why I felt compelled to write any of that. Oh well, it's probably relevant if it just happened like that. Relevant stuff usually is.

Good night everyone, it's 2:54, I need to get to work before my boss gets worried (again). Much love.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
All right, since the therapist is giving us copies of certain chapter pages from Amongst Ourselves, I thought it would be prudent to record our answers to the questions they offer in here.
The first set is in chapter 3, and it deals with types of memories.
Since I could tell this would be very difficult to fill out in handwriting-- we tend to dissociate dramatically when writing by hand and it can become literally impossible to continue if it's bad enough-- it is going on here instead. Logic alters such as myself are better suited for typed words, as we do not have to worry about the strain of fronting and the AP translation blocker when doing so.
After the questions we will likely post a separate entrie documenting our thoughts concerning the rest of the chapter. I should like to keep them separate.

Whoever is willing and able to answer these questions, please do so. Do not hesitate to ask for help, support, or assistance if it is needed. Thank you.
Nothing will be censored or otherwise edited. Feel free to write what you wish, as you wish, however you wish.
I may take it upon myself to make a coherent final version, but your input will be left untouched.


"Think about situations that you know you may be overreacting to. In your journal, record as many of these situations as you can. Once you have them recorded, try to answer the following items. Write your answers in your journal."

We will be referring to the archive for this 'list,' as we do not feel capable of currently creating an entire new one just yet: not only are those tied to those situations still emotionally raw concerning them, but we also do not yet know who holds the actual trauma memories.
Questions will therefore be answered according to past data, or current knowledge, both of which will be explained when needed.

1. What are the triggers that made you overreact?
Being touched, ALWAYS. // (Well, not always, but often enough.) // Mostly, it's unintentional or sudden, light touch. Being bumped into, accidentally brushed past, even tapped on the shoulder, is horrifying. // The WORST is when people do that and DON'T LET GO. Like when people try to move you in another direction, they put their hand on your back and try to change your direction. It's HORRID. // I don't even like being aware of physical sensation. Feeling the hair on my head, or clothing, or even just being aware of my physical body can trigger people that get overwhelmed by it. // I DON'T LIKE CLOTHES! // But not having clothes is dangerous. // THAT'S another thing! We have to share a bed at night and it scares the littles, but we can't avoid it. But sometimes the grandmother will tap us with her foot, or reach over and just drop her hand onto the covers, just to check if we're there but it's SCARY. I know someone used to actually scream when that happened. It scared her a few times but they couldn't help it. I understand. // So... touch in general can be a trigger. // The biggest, probably. // Oh, and food. // ...Is she around? // No, just be careful. Food makes her angry. And it makes the body feel sick and strange so we don't like it either. Neither did Emmett. Or Spine, I think. I didn't know her. // Is that tied to feeling though? // Mostly. Also body image, because of dysphoria-- gender and form related-- and the trauma. // So food and touch. Anything else? // Loud noises. Noise in general, sometimes. People talking, // PEOPLE WHSIPERING // Anything small and weird like that. Chewing comes to mind. Same with grunts and things. Non-verbal sounds. // ALL OF THEM. // Certain words too. And the way they're pronounced. If you say a letter wrong, or we think the wrong context, it can get bad. // And some people 'feel" loud. Some people walk by and they feel so ANGRY or sad or sick that we pick it up, and it's AWFUL because the only way to escape it is to go outside for a long while. // I don't like the grandmother. // A LOT of us don't. She's a walking barrel of triggers. // Like a loaded gun. She won't stop talking. EVER. // No social graces. // Okay, point taken. // AND SHE'S ALWAYS MAD!!! // So... empathy? Is a trigger? Why? // Hm. Probably because of how WE used to feel like that. After hacks and all, there would be horrible suicidal feeling. // All right, anything else? // Ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape. // No, don't talk about those. No one remembers those. // That's the point. But when you remember, they can all be bad. // So just forget about them. Let it go. // Any smells? // YES BUT WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT!!!!! // Okay. // STOP TALKNG ABOUT IT. STOP. STOP! // Okay. We will. I think we got enough information here.

2. What kinds of sounds are likely to trigger reactions or memories? Do you overreact to loud noises? Whispering? Drumming? Chanting?
YES ALL OF THOSE // We just mentioned those. Loud noises immediately elicit hypervigilance, usually not even panic until we can figure out what the heck is going on and whether or not we are safe. // Loud NOISES. Not voices. Loud VOICES are immediate panic, and usualy trigger somebody. Usually a little. // Think of the children. Don't yell. // Whispering is even worse, but we all know that. We won't talk about it anymore, as oddly that's one of the most disturbing things we have to put up with. Not sure why? Where is that rooted? // Well find out later. Answer the main question. What about the drumming and chanting? Why would that trigger you? // I don't know. It just makes me deeply uneasy and nervous. Scared, but not in the way whispering makes me scared. // Scared more in the way of "something ominous is going to happen," or "something is very very wrong here." Not "oh my god I'm going to die or be killed." // Not the same? // No. Death can happen as a consequence. Not just direct intention. // Okay. Was there ever drumming or chanting in the childhood? // Not that I know of, but there WAS a lot of religious practice. Lots of weird repetetive prayer, and the like. And that was always in a negative light, rosaries were used as punishment if you were a terrible person. Prayers were said while being threatened by the devil, or hell, or beng told that Jesus doesn't love you because you're a bad boy. So prayer, or chanting, got tied to damnation and unforgiveness. It's why praying now, in a traditional form, feels wrong. It makes us automatically 'feel' that old creeping fear. // Drumming? // Drumming freaks me out. // Why? // Rhythm. Let's not say anything more. I really don't want to. // It's tied to the chanting too. It's a repetetive, mindless action to us. Something done in a passive-aggressive threat, or in a way that is ignoring you directly, but saying "this is being done specifically because you are evil, OR because you will be punished." And that was either an imminent warning of great punishment, or part of the punishment. // The drums? // No, the motivation. Sorry I got confused. But that's what drums make ME think of. The chanting repetition. // Otherwise drums seem fairly innocuous. // Not when in rhythm. Never in rhythm. // Are there any other triggering sounds that AREN'T voices? // ...Not in that sense. Some of us are sensitive to sounds, because we "feel" them, but nothing directly tied to trauma that I know of. Except those non-verbal noises like we mentioned. // Okay. // AND GIRLS VOICES ARE ALWAYS BAD, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS // Always? Our therapist doesn't trigger us. // YOUNGER GIRLS MOSTLY. RARELY OLDER GIRLS. ONLY LIKE THE MOTHER. // Ah. And she has a very childish quality to her voice. // So any voices that remind us of Julie are automatic triggers. // THE WORST. // Okay.

3. What kinds of smells trigger your reactions? Do you feel yourself starting to have difficulty concentrating when you smell certain scents?
YES WHY ARE THEY ASKING THESE QUESTIONS // We're safe, nothing is going to happen. // YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, IT MIGHT, SHE COULD HEAR US AND DECIDE TO MAKE IT WORSE. // I'll make sure she doesn't. Go on. // Oh, okay. Wow. So, what sorts of scents cause problems? // Seafood. // Ah. Understood. What else? // Old women. Old people in general. The grandmother. Very bad. // What about food? // Nothing tied to trauma. It's just nauseating. // Chocolate comes close though. // Good point. // PERFUME. // Perfume is evil in general. But I get what you mean. // Nothing tied to the cellar? // Not sure, let me check. Nope, nothing traumatic. It just smells bad and I don't want to smell it is all. // Okay. But the first smell is the worst? // YES // Can't function at all when that's around. Have to leave the room. // Bathrooms. // Ah, yeah. That room was hell for most of our lives, huh? // Yes it was. So forget having a janitor job, we'd freak out. // Understood. // That it? // As far as I know. The only ones that come up are those. // No wait, I thought of an unrelated one. Cigarette smoke. And fair smells. // Oh, you mean like amusement parks and fairgrounds? // Yeah. Anything that you typically smell at those places, or any sort of large outdoor public gathering, can make us severely panic flat-out. I've never figured out why. Perhaps the child was terrified of those places. // Or it could be because they're so loud, literally and figuratively. Plus the child never had any control over what he did there, as far as I am aware, or as far as I have been told. // That might also be why he was terrified of brass bands for most of his life. // Really? // Yeah. He couldn't even hear a trumpet without hyperventilating. He was really scared of the sound of marching bands, maybe because of fairs, maybe because of something else. It's odd, but it counts, I would suppose. // Interesting. So add cigarette smoke for sure, and I would assume the smells of fair food? // Yes. Sometimes just summer air too, that I'm aware of. It's all tied to family vacations which he usually did not enjoy at all. // Got it, thanks.

4. Are there certain ways that people can touch you that make you react? Are there places on your body which trigger memories or reactions? Do you feel like you will explode when someone just touches you on the arm? Your legs? What happens when someone you know and love touches you sexually? Does this trigger strong emotions?
Ouch. // The capslock one was shouting the whole time Sherlock was typing that. It is Sherlock, right? // Probably. Don't talk to him, he's got his own job. // She's crying now. The capslock one. Is that the overload girl? // I don't know. But we talked about this touch stuff earlier. // Only a bit.
(several hour time break)
Answering the second part first, it does not matter where someone touches us-- arms, legs, wherever-- it will typically make us feel like we want to explode. The only semi-safe place to be touched is our head, but that usually causes an anger or stress reaction instead of abject terror and survival instinct fear. This is probably because, in the past, NO ONE would touch our head unless it was a protective gesture, and it was always a heavy touch, not a tap or something (which will drive us nuts). // Laurie and my boss still do this. It's one of the safest things for me. // Okay, we're back in the groove. Good. Let's answer the tough questions then. Are there any specific memory-locked locations, or can it literally be anywhere? // Besides the obvious? Virtually anywhere, as you said. It's not so much about location as it is about sensation. However, the torso is a minefield, now that you mention it. If anyone makes contact with that, the reaction is straight-up blind manic 'rage.' Same with the legs, although that is far more panicked. // Anything else? // Face is total frozen terror unless it's someone I trust, in which case it is totally safe. But that is what makes anyone else touching us there so scary. It's a "safe" action from a potentially abusive and unsafe person. // Okay. That leaves the "obvious" one. Last question. It has an interesting catch though, which makes only a few people able to answer it. "Someone you know and love." Anyone who has been in the body in ANY situation of that sort, even secondary, who can answer this? Or were all those memories pretty much destroyed outright? // Most were destroyed. Which kind of answers the question. // The only person I know of who can legitimately answer that question is J, as he was with Infinitii once within the past two weeks in that sense, albeit during a mostly unconscious state. // So knowing him he'll look back on that and try to ignore the fact of it even happening. // Yes. // So that settles it. Familiarity, trust, et cetera mean absolutely nothing when sexual or pseudo-sexual contact is involved. // Pseudo-sexual? // Anything in that general area of the body that does not have explicit sexual intentions. Even just an accidental contact. Details do not matter. If it is in that area then I daresay you know exactly what the reaction will be. // It depends, actually, on who is triggered by it. Jeremiah-- does he ever become triggered by those? // No. He's a post-abuse alter. // The children are also not tied to explicit contact. // They're accidental. And potential. David does not react to threats to that area though, that's Marigold's role, and she panics spectacularly. // Screaming, blackouts. // Sugar will kill you if she manages to get through the fog of horror that surrounds those encounters, and fronts. // She will. But who is triggered by those usually? // I don't know. // Like when there is not a threat, but actual contact. Isn't that a numb alter? // Always. But those don't have names. They're also all drastically suicidal. // I see. That's understandable. // So even if J is with Infi or Chaos-- // The current J doesn't know Chaos. None of us do. Apparently the reboot excluded him. He became too tied to abuse, due to emotional proximity alone, even if he was completely harmless in a 'logical' sense. // So association was his damnation there. // As it is with anyone who gets involved with relationships up here. Anyone. There's too much corruption, danger, and lingering fear and pain. Especially with the Undergrounders being the main system now. // Even Infinitii, whose job is explicitly to change that? // Even him. Remember he is a healer. And a healer has to figure out just what they're healing, and how bad the damage is, before they can do anything. He has to understand what he's working with, and so does J, the core of this. // How is he the core of this? // Bloodline probably. // Oh. But he doesn't hold old trauma memories? // No, but I think he has potential access to them all. I think that's what affects him the most-- peripheral awareness. He gets the consequences without ever having directly experienced things himself, at least, not consciously, or not that he's aware of. // So we still don't know WHO was actually abused when the body was a teenager. // No. // Does... who has the early 2012 memories? And late 2011? I thought that was 'me' but it only matches in name. I have absolutely no idea who that was. // Nor do we. I suppose that's an ongoing search then. // Geez this is a trickier subject than I realized. I didn't think there was this much tar still stuck to it. This much pain. // Well there is, and we need to heal it if we want to get anywhere. // It won't be easy. // No. It won't be, not for scars this deep. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can snap your fingers and wish it away. Deep dark roots aren't yanked out in one go. These need to be dug out, carefully, or you will damage the ground all around it, and leave parts of the roots in the ground regardless, where they will regrow. Do you understand? That's what you've been doing. // I see. That makes a lot of sense actually. // So bring up this subject with your therapist, but be prudent about it. And ask for our help whenever you need it. Do NOT hesitate if you feel incapable of doing this alone. You are not alone, not in any sense. And it would be both foolish and irresponsible to assume that you could tackle this all at once, by yourself. One affects all. We all hold parts of this. // Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Next question, then? // If you say so. I suppose no further progress can be made on this right now, not at this hour, not in this state of mind.

5. Are there any tastes which can affect your reactions? If so, what tastes?

Not that I'm aware of? // Ssh. Let us deal with this. // Okay. // Chocolate doesn't trigger us? // Not by taste. It's more of knowledge of who likes to eat it, and what used to inevitably follow. Food itself is indeed a trauma trigger, especially with the ties between lust and gluttony, but taste does not seem to bring back any abusive memories. // But food itself does. // Yes. The act of eating, or the sensation of it, can be traumatic to some of us. // Emmett had it the worst. // He did. But he does not seem to be around anymore. // We lost a lot of people. // "Spice" has food trauma too, if you can call it that. She deals with the pain it causes when we eat. // That's a different category though. There is no one besides Emmett who specifically dealt with the abusive aspect of food. Remember, in the past, Julie would use gluttony as an easy way to overload the Tar, allowing her to ride that reaction wave to hack us brutally. // I don't "remember" it but I'm aware of that. // Good. So this is important, even if in a different way than the question suggested. // I'm surprised that chocolate itself didn't become a trigger though. I mean, sugary food is labeled as demonic to this day, you don't touch it or you die. People freak out whenever there's a risk of eating it. But the taste itself isn't tied to anything. You'd think there would be something. // Be grateful that there is not. Next question. // Wait. What do you call it if I see something that's suggestive, and immediately I freeze up, go into numb mode, want to just sleep or stop existing? // You call that a trigger. Are you the one going numb? // It's more like I start slipping out of the body. // See, I told you there were lots of us. That's probably our main numb one. What do they do? // Nothing. They honestly just... usually it's when I'm online, which is why I stay off it. Like when we used to go on Tumblr, and all of a sudden when scrolling down, someone would post nudity. Usually spiritual blogs too! // Don't even touch that topic right now. It's too convoluted and dangerous. Keep going. // Okay. Well, the instant I saw that, total mood switch. Everything just stopped dead, like someone hit pause on the world. And I'd either x everything off and close the computer, or I'd pull out the plug, or something... either way, within moments I would detach totally, kind of zone out, and then just wish I were dead. "Why did I have to see that," but in a sense like, now that I DID see it, I've been ruined again. And then it's immediate suicidal ideation, or they'll go to sleep, or fall into another addiction just to numb themselves to it and forget. Ironically, Julie waits until later to act on that, if she does. She waits until we're so scraped out from it that we just don't care anymore and she can completely destroy us without us caring. // You mean "us" as in whoever is fronting then. // Yeah. I guess. Pronouns are confusing. I mean I don't even know who I am half the time. // Understandable. That's a good point, thank you for bringing that up. // No problem. It is important. // So, next question.

6. What kinds of visual images trigger reactions? Does watching movies or seeing pictures of violence make you feel out of control? How about watching an adult act affectionately toward a child?
Oh boy, these are both problematic, aren't they. // Yes. Explain. // Okay. The first is less of a trigger and more of total dissonance. I cannot handle violence. It makes me ill, scared, and sometimes very depressed. I just can't handle it in general. // Does it ever trigger you? // If you can call it that. The Undergrounders in charge of retribution may end up getting louder because of it. // Explain? // Razor is fascinated by blood and cutting. Details do not matter. Even if I'm shaking from... oh, maybe that is a trigger. // What? // Pictures of self-abuse. Immediately my brain remembers the situations in which that happened: immediately after hacks, often against my will, 'waking up' after someone slashed up the body, stuff like that. It's scary because immediately I know that that is still something that can happen, at ANY time. So self-abuse is always a trigger, whether I like it or not, because it reaches people who FUNCTION to do that. At least, the last time I was triggered it did. People have been trying to change lately. // Hm. // Do you ever have flashbacks to childhood violence when you see violence onscreen, or in public? // Can't say, I've been avoiding it for a long time. // Think. I'm sure there have been some unavoidable circumstances. How did you react? // ...It's the same as when I accidentally see or hear something sexual or suggestive. Total disconnective shutdown, although for that it's usually shorter, and full of depression and wrenching sadness instead of feeling like I want to die from being 'ruined.' It's like a little-kid sort of "why would people do that," but that's usually me, I'm like that too. // I see. But no flashbacks? // I push them away if they do come up. But I get badly shaken by violence anyway, so that usually keeps memories from surfacing, as I'm trying to cope with the immediate aftereffects. // I see. // What about affection? You said that was a problem too? // It is, ironically. It's because, thanks to the abuse, I see... well, it's two things. One, in the back of my mind I wonder if that affection is genuine or manipulative. Are they only doing that because it's a 'reward' for being a good kid, not spontaneously? And if two seconds later, the kid did something upsetting, the parent would hit them or start yelling? I wonder, and that makes me sad and uncomfortable. I don't like that suspicion, it's horrible, I shouldn't be like this. // Ssh. It's healing, we need to work through this. The second part? // The second part is that I have a hard time, a VERY hard time, seeing ANY relationship outside of a sexual context. Obviously thanks to the abuse and the psychological manipulation that went hand-in-hand with it. You know, telling me that I didn't know my own thoughts and feelings, that I was... you know the drill. I really don't want to talk about it. That I 'wanted it' even if I was screaming in pain. // Ah. And you see even parental relationships like this? // Yes, probably because my abusers were all older than me? Julie not so much, but for parents... see that was all subconscious. My parents didn't abuse me sexually, but the way they acted WHILE I was suffering sexual abuse in my personal life, in unrelated contexts... everything was a trigger. I wondered if they did it on purpose sometimes. I became terrified of them very quickly because they seemed to be walking reminders of what I was afraid of. And because of that, anything affectionate that they did became dangerous. "Are they going to do something sexual to me?" And the BIGGEST thing was that, since the abuse was all centered around "trying to trick me into thinking I was a slut," aka that I "wanted it" from everyone at all times, in stark contrast to my actual orientation, eventually worked. Now I struggle to overcome the automatic assumption that I owe sex to everyone. Like I can't even say hi to a store clerk without automatically thinking that they're trying to have sex with me, and that I am both powerless and unallowed to say no, and that it's already been decided that it will happen if I am not super careful. It's stupid, but it happens. To this day. it colors all my interactions with people and it makes daily life a living hell really. and the WORST part are the programmed phrases that won't go away. Fake phrases that mean nothing to me and pop up in totally irrelevant situations. Like the repeated phrase of "I want to have sex with him/her." As soon as they say hello, or even if they just walk by. And it's NOT AN ACTUAL THOUGHT. It is literally just a string of words, that I've been programmed to react with, thanks to other people constantly telling me that I was SUPPOSED to think that I guess. I don't know. It's a mess. Does that make sense? // Very. Thank you. Does that cover it? // I think so. So the violence doesn't cause actual flashbacks, but it's still incredibly difficult to deal with? // Yeah. I can't remember having any flashbacks from seeing it. // And affection, for you, always holds sexual connotations? // Seems to. Even if I don't want it to. It's why I can't hold friendships well with anyone. I ALWAYS assume it's going to lead to sex if I let my guard down. It's sad. // Hmm. // So I guess that's why your relationships fail upstairs too. // Fail in what way? // Are you aware of any relationships? // No. // That answers my question. Moving on. // Wait, I know the person with my name in the past had a few. But not me. How did theirs fail? // By them turning into you, apparently. Next. // No no no, how does that apply? // Look at it this way. Do you WANT a relationship? Or a friendship? Or any sort of interaction with another person on a personal level of that sort? No, right? // Right. // Because... why? Because you assume it HAS to be sexual. Because you cannot have a friend without assuming you owe them sex at all times, and cannot refuse, and have forgotten how to refuse, and have compartmentalized or buried your own feelings of fear and disgust and anger and resentment and self-loathing out of the drive for sirvival, and the numbness that accompanies prolonged abuse. You have effectively deleted your self at this point. You do not want sex, correct? // No. I have no desire for it. // But if someone, right now, someone that has only positive intentions toward you, asked you to have sex with them, and said they would understand if you said no, and would not press the matter, what would you say? // I would say it's okay, go ahead, I don't have a problem with it. // And would that be a lie? // At the moment I wouldn't be able to tell. // At the moment, would that be you? // I don't know. // And how would "you" react once the act was performed? // Suicidal. // Ah, that was a quick response. // And I'd want the other person to disappear forever. Forget about them. Make them forget me. Not even hating them anymore, just make it all go away, make it never have happened in the first place. // Hence your "not being aware of any relationships." // Can we not talk about this. // I did not ask to, you did. But perhaps it was for the best. Number seven, please.

7. Are there times that you have had people ask you what is wrong because you are acting abnormally? Why were you acting the ways you were during those times? Was it watching a scene in a movie or hearing someone yell? Could it have been an activity you were engaging in?
Are we aware of any incidents like this? We don't typically interact with people. // No, we don't. Did the Utah time period have any incidents like this? // There was the 'throwing a bowl in the sink' think that "J" still hates himself for. But that was "Spice," obviously. Everything in that situation lines up to it being her. // "Everything?" What do we even know about it? // Not much admittedly. All I know is that the body was eating, it was called out on it since that food was assumed to be damaging, and immediately there was a sudden and total dramatic mood switch, and the bowl was thrown. Knowing Spice, she would have also spit the food out and started screaming in self-hatred as well if she had been allowed to. But I can only assume a numb alter or the AP came out then, as the memory cuts off after a few moments. // Is that the only case of abnormal behavior we know of? // Nothing specific. There is not much stored memory to sift through, I am sorry. // That's fine. What about the examples? // "J" doesn't watch movies anymore and neither do we. // What about the yelling? That's obviously a trigger. // It is. But his dramatic reactions to it are seen as "normal" at this point. // Such as? // Crying, hiding, acting like a-- no, I apologize, that was identified as David, wasn't it. // Yes, before he manifested. // I see. Was that pointed out? // Possibly. But the mother does not give much attention to his reactions anymore, as they have been going on for years. Now she is exasperated and careless, not concerned or confused. // That makes sense. // But this is why he is afraid to work. He cannot work with angry or upset people without someone being triggered. That would elicit a less-than-favorable response, I assume. // I see. // Any activity abnormalities? // What sort of "abnormalities" are we looking for? // I think the problem is that this is assuming other people are around him when we come out, or when others do. He has such acute anxiety around people that he avoids them whenever possible, and will not engage in recreational activities if there is so much as the potential for someone to walk in on him. // Shame? // Partly. That and fear. And people being triggered whenever social interaction is necessary. // The manic one? // Obviously. We don't like her, but apparently some people outside do. She's built to get people to like her after all. // So the fronters around people are typically suited to making them think everything is a-okay. // Typically. Remember it's not foolproof. You can't have a social fronter out ALL the time. They aren't hosts or cores. They can't front if there's no opportunity or anchoring point for them to do so. // Anchoring point? // Say the body was just triggered. There is nothing for a non-trigger alter to hang onto if they wanted to front. They would literally have to force their way past it, but then they'd be working through a fog, that would be dragging them back in, as they are incompatible with it. We have a system running, you know. // So being seen as abnormal by others is something rare for us, simply because we are not around others. // Correct. // Interesting. Next.

8. If you can, identify
what these triggers remind you of. This may be difficult for you if you have not yet dealt with the original issues of trauma, and you may decide to wait until you've done some work in this area.
Should we wait? Who do we ask? // Did we not identify the sources of most triggers? // Vaguely. I think this is asking for specific events. // Not necessarily. // But all we can say is "this reminds us of Julie" or "this reminds us of the grandmother or the mother." We haven't said much about what it is about them we are being reminded of. Not specifically. // I don't think we're ready for that. // I don't think we have ACCESS to that. Like Sherlock said, who the hell has the memories? Not me that's for sure. Not you either, or him. // True. Does J? // If he does it's not direct. If he resets every time there's a relationship fallout, then he's not going to be ABLE to remember those things, let alone willing. If he tries he will slip out as he did earlier. His identity is mutable and unstable the way it is. Boy doesn't know his own name most of the time. // So do we leave this unanswered, or do we guess? // Let's just summarize what we know. Touches remind us of sexual abuse from Julie, loud sounds are probably from childhood, when parental figures were loud and violent... smells or sounds remind us of the grandmother or mother, or are from them, both of whom were reminders of sexual abuse I assume? // That's a foggy one, yeah. // Is it because they are women? // Well the sounds themselves are triggering, but what about the smells? That's tied to them specifically. What about them is so threatening? Is it the relationship sex assumption? // Maybe? // Wasn't David triggered by woman's shoes initially? The same kind the grandmother wore? // Dude, he was. Why was that? Did he explain it? // No. But we were wrong, David WAS tied to sexual triggers related to the parental figures, at least while he was still apparently "fused with Kyanos." It says so here. // All that is confusing to me. But we don't need to review that now. The point is, nothing specific? // No. // Perhaps we should wait on this then. The body is sick, and it is already 1:30 AM. We can't make much safe progress at this hour anyway. // You're right. Thank you for your assistance then. // You as well.

okay whatever all that information is i have NO time to review it tonight, i still remember the bit when i spoke up earlier and apparently they were using archive data so I SHOULD be able to get that if i need it.
anyway yes i am feeling sick and scared, diet hasnt been good, horribly dizzy today too, almost passed out a few times. need sleep now.
good luck and good night, wish me well this isnt nice. see you after the session tomorrow here's hoping sherlock doesn't drag me out afterwards if he comes out, that was humiliating. just busting you man whatever you did i trust it was better than whatever i would have done.
good night for real now.

sept 27

Sep. 27th, 2013 11:08 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I really don't have much energy to update today, but I don't want to slack off anymore, so let me at least try.

I don't remember yesterday. I really don't, and I'm sorry. However, I can explain that. I... don't know if I want to, though. Not explicitly.
Something happened in the evening that wasn't traumatic in and of itself, BUT the immediate aftereffects were.
I won't talk about that now though. Let's get the data out of the way first.

Something I realized today: in a previous post, I mentioned my old mindset of thinking "I'm not capable of making correct decisions on my own?" Well, I don't think I mentioned the other big part of what plays into that... which is, ironically, friendship.
I've spoken about this with my therapist already, but when I was in elementary school, after 1st grade, I was the outcast. I was the weird kid that no one wanted to be friends with, and when I tried, guess what mindset I got? "I'll only be your friend if you do everything I tell you to."
One of my only memories from school is in the church basement of my old school, in 3rd grade or so, with 2 girls who were my friends for a while. We were pretending we were Pokemon-- one girl was a Charizard, and the other was a Mewtwo. The problem? I wanted to be a Mewtwo. I adored that species, and being barred from being one felt like a slap in the face. But no-- the latter girl told me, quote pointedly, "you have to be Mew, and then you have to be my servant." I protested repeatedly, but couldn't win out. But it wasn't just giving up. I loved that girl, honestly I did, and so I decided I'd let her have her own way, even if I was going to gripe about it. She was the boss, I told myself. She would always be the boss.
And... that's just how my friendships seemed to go. I don't think I've ever had a real offline friendship, one that doesn't operate under that sort of power structure where I am understood to be the henchman, the scapegoat, the sidekick that does all the dirty work. The biggest problem, though, is that I let myself be shoved into that position, willingly or unwillingly... and I wouldn't fight because "hey, at least they're willing to call you a friend."
Another outcast girl tagged along with me for the rest of my elementary school days, but although I assume we spent time together, I don't remember any of it. All I do remember is that, whenever she was absent from school, I wouldn't miss her. Sick as it was, I would actually think "yess! Finally I have freedom! I hope she's out for a few days." It makes me ill to see that-- the only reason I know this is because I've found several old elementary school journals where I expressed that mindset-- but it's true. What's worse, though, is that when she was around, I wouldn't even hint at that exasperation. I'd talk to her and we'd spend time together and we were considered buddies by everyone else in school. But the second I was left alone, I was looking for a way out. I don't think she ever explicitly bossed me around, but I do remember one day in 7th grade where she literally threw my drawing tablets across the classroom-- the most meaningful things in the world to me-- laughing, as I stared in frozen horror, wanting to jump up and scream for her to stop but too scared of losing our "friendship." Is it really a friendship, though, if you don't respect each other? Is it really a friendship, if you never speak to each other outside of school, and only tolerate each others presence? But I never saw a problem back then. I didn't know any different.
It was the same once I left elementary school. On the bus, all the little kids flocked to me. And would you believe that I let THEM use me, too? One kid constantly stole my keychains and ripped pages out of my notebooks, demanding that I draw him things and getting angry when I didn't. I never told him to behave because I felt I had no right to. I never considered him a friend, but I still let him-- a 4-year-old kid-- push me around. But the most notable bus kid was someone I called Angelbee, after a magical-girl persona I created for her. She, too, bossed me around, pulled my hair, wrote in my notebooks, tore pages out of them, took things from me as I was using them and wouldn't give them back. I designed her character at her behest and then did the same for about 5 of her friends, even though I was exhausted. And, every time the bus drove past her stop instead of picking her up, I'd sigh in relief... and then punch myself for it. "How dare you wish your friend wasn't around," I'd say. "You don't deserve friends if you think of them that way." But was she ever my friend, if again, she never spoke to me after I stopped taking the bus? Was she ever my friend if I didn't know anything about her as a person, and only really loved the character she created, the pink-haired girl whose name I called her instead of her own? I don't think so.
But I did love her. I loved all of them, in a quiet sort of way, because they were people, wonderful individuals with their own stories and joys and pains, even if they were unknown to me, and they were deserving of love just because they existed.
Why couldn't we be real friends, then? I must be flawed, I guessed. It's me. I'm the problem.
Online it was a little different. Online... well, I can't speak directly, but looking back on old records, it looked like I was the one using people now. I was so used to being pushed and ordered around that now I just wanted someone to draw something for me. And that's the most selfish thing I can imagine, isn't that funny? "Hey, there are these characters that I absolutely love... can you draw them for me?" But whenever I said that, no matter what words I used-- and I was indirectly passive about it more often than not-- it felt like a demand, an outrageous demand. I was ashamed of it. But I constantly drew things for other people, hoping to "get them to like me," hoping to "earn" art in return. But damn it, that's not how you make friends either.
It's no use complaining about it now. I just want to make it clear, so I don't waste my hour of therapy on Tuesday reiterating something I already understand about my foggy past.
The point: every single one of my past friendships has been emotionally manipulative, either to me or because of me. Offline, I let myself be pushed around, never asserting or defending myself for fear of losing a "friend" I didn't even truly like, and who probably didn't even truly like me. Online, I would push other people around, skillfully handling my words and actions to get them to like "me," terrified that I was unworthy of friendship unless I played the exact role they wanted.
Hey... that's it, isn't it?
I never feel that I can be genuine in friendships. I always feel obligated to do what they want, even if I have to wrongly convince myself that I want it too.
That sounds far too close to my biggest problem again. I don't like it.
There's one last... friendship that I want to mention in this train of thought. It makes me feel like a horrible, horrible person for bringing it up, but I have to. This has been eating at me for a VERY long time, and I've only been able to put words to it now that I'm discussing it in therapy.
For years I thought this friendship broke the mold. "They like me," I thought. "They don't even order me around!"
But hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
It breaks my heart to say this. Maybe it's projection. Part of me hopes it is, so that they are pure and blameless and utterly righteous, but another quietly bitter part of me-- the part I squashed when I was still a child-- hopes that it's not, because it doesn't want to get trapped in that sort of situation again, if that's indeed what it was.
No use mincing words. Let me say this.
In that friendship, they never liked me, although they thought they did. The problem? I was too used to playing a role, and I played it damn well. Looking back, though, it hurts me to see just how much I deluded them. Once my mask slipped, they left, and I'm glad. No use perpetuating a game that they believed, just to have a "friend." The other problem is that I seriously doubt that was "ME" back then-- even my therapist thinks it was an alter. That kind of throws a monkey wrench into things. Point is, though, I learned how to manipulate people really well, to survive at home, to get people to like me. I learned how to say and do exactly what other people wanted. I just never learned how to separate an act from my true feelings and wants and needs. Maybe I still don't, not with all these voices in my head.
Still, my dishonesty there is what the friendship was founded on, and I'm well aware of it. They tried to fix it later on, but again, all my stupid acting and splintering around people made it near impossible. That's not what bothers me about this situation.
Looking back, I've realized, to my total shock and nausea, that it qualified-- yet again-- as being emotionally manipulative.
I would NEVER have accused them of that. I'd have rather blamed myself of that. And I was, I won't deny that. It was all I knew to do, to be liked. Again, that's not the point. The point is that, reviewing old conversations and notes, there is a disturbing amount of dialogue that flashes huge warning lights in my head now. Like, you don't say that to someone unless you're controlling their reactions.
It's scary to me because they didn't realize they were doing it. I don't think they did. Everyone I knew like them did that to me. It was like... like my life was a game, like my entire world was a game, and only they knew the rules. Only they knew the rules to my life, but instead of telling me, they would just make cryptic comments about it. They would leave hints-- which I am notoriously bad at even perceiving-- and they would insinuate, but nothing direct. The worst of it, though, was that they all acted like I was incapable of playing that "game," the game of my own life, without their help.
I even had them effectively tell me that a few times. That's what kind of tore the floor out from under my feet when I realized it.
I knew the early relationship-related manipulation was a problem once I started fighting for air and space, and ran. I knew that the clinginess and feelings of possession, although all obviously unintentional, were not something I could handle anymore. I didn't know that later, much MUCH later, that same thing returned, and I was blinding myself to it, because I believed them. I really did. Maybe I still do.
I BELIEVED, wholeheartedly, that they were in charge of me, and that they had the RIGHT to be. I fully believed that they understood more about life, about MY life and how I should live it, than I EVER would. I believed that I was incapable of making correct choices on my own, without their guidance. I couldn't see straight, after all. I Something in me must be flawed after all, I thought. But hey! They're here, they're so much better than I am, they're even my friends... and they know what to do, they must know. I'll do everything they tell me to.
I never questioned it. I never questioned it, not until I was torn out of their lives and they responded by throwing in the towel of our badly twisted friendship. That's when they suddenly started acting differently, rightfully questioning the validity of our bonds, and you know what? They were right about it. There was nothing, NOTHING, when you took the masks away.
One 'friendship' was based upon common interests that I never actually held. The other was effectively mutual therapy. That's all we had. That's all we ever had, and I knew it.
I was repeating the same pattern I had always followed: get a friend who chooses/ dictates/ influences everything I am "allowed" to do, actively or passively... then learn how to act to get them to 'like' you... whenever they're not around, try to run away... and yet, if THEY try to leave, freak out because that obviously means you messed up big time. Congratulations, you made someone hate you. Again.
So when they decided they'd had it with me too, I panicked.
I panicked. I was losing the only long-term friendships I had EVER had, and even if I had been a total asshole, I fought. I was stupid, and I fought to keep the relationship going, even if it was false, just because having to accept that I had fucked up again was too horrible to bear.
But the stupidest thing was I didn't even want the friendships back. I KNEW there wasn't anything substantial there, and hadn't been for years. I KNEW, looking back, that our friendship was unhealthy, and we were all at fault, with me wearing masks for fear of rejection, and them treating me, with genuine kindness, as someone incapable of living without them... something I believed with every fiber of my being.
That, on top of the thought of being rejected as a friend, stung too much for me to let go even if it would be mutually beneficial... especially because I still loved them too, like I loved everyone before them, and still did.
No matter how badly I had been abused by some of my "friends" in the past, I still loved them, and always would.
At least... I thought I did. Isn't that ridiculous?
That was the final nail in the coffin, when it hit me. I loved them all as strangers, maybe. As ideas, maybe. But that was all. I never really knew them as who they were, to themselves, to each other. None of them. I only loved the glimpses I saw of them, that I scraped together into dreams of them, doppelgangers that never existed. To this day, my mental images of them all don't match who they actually are, years later, growing up. No wonder we never actually got along. Did I ever see them for who THEY were? Was I that blinded by my hope?
I've done that to every person I've ever known.
I don't think I've ever known how to love people, because in order to see them that way, I have to see myself as a person too. I don't know how to do that.
I only ever feel safe when people don't see me. I only ever feel safe and right when I don't have a reflection in the mirror.
I guess I can't ever expect myself to have "meaningful" relationships if that's the case.

So there are our three problems, that I've found.
1. I attract, or cause, emotionally manipulative relationships, as I fear I am inherently unlikable on my own.
2. I doubt my ability to live my own life correctly, so I also attract people who insist they can/should/will do that for me.
3. I don't know how to see myself as a person, and struggle to see others as more than concepts as well.

So that's that. Terrible things, awful truths and personal failings, that J didn't even write. Of course not! He doesn't know them. He doesn't talk about "himself." The concept of a self, of a body, is claustrophobic and terrifying to him.

How much of that is even true? How much is us making stuff up? Or exaggerating? Or throwing blame at others? Do we have any right to complain? It's in the past, it's in the past, it's in the past, it's gone, not real, gone

Let's slip into a related topic. I believe he wanted to discuss what happened last night?

Do you know?

No. But I know enough.

this is getting really fragmented and it may be a wise decision to just close up


I don't want to talk about last night.

Then don't. Let us talk about today, instead.




guys, don't, PLEASE, I can't do this at this hour. go talk in your own journal please, not here, not here.

...okay. okay. Okay. Sorry about that. I can't exactly tell them to shut up when that's happening. And it's extremely rude and selfish of me, not to mention utterly inappropriate, to delete what they've written after it's been said.

Last night. Last night hurts too much. I can't say that outright yet. Not yet.
There were two successful hacks this week. First ones in months. You know that, right? I wrote them on the calendar.
We haven't been getting hacked in about two years, not like this, because Julie "switched sides" in 2011. I still have to wonder if that was genuine or not. It seems maybe the Tar wanted her to. That opened doors for it to hurt us in horrendous ways, ways it couldn't even dream of using while Julie was its avatar. But once she wasn't, IMMEDIATELY it started attacking J. The horrible Celebi event chain happened. Physical flashbacks started. The nightmares stopped, but only because they moved to the waking. J insisted he was possessed half the time. He began to lose his sense of will, his awareness of his own emotions and thoughts, because the Tar was now able to slip right in and get him to instigate hacks himself. If you hurt a man long enough, brutally enough, and tell him repeatedly that it is his fault, that he deserves it, that he even WANTS it... because he should, you say, as you tear him to pieces... eventually, against every fiber of sense and health in him, he will believe you. He will believe everything you tell him. And he will forget how to do otherwise.
That is what happened to J, you realize? A boy that badly broken, incapable of seeing his own scars. Incapable of bleeding his own blood. So badly twisted and manipulated, so used to running and lying and faking smiles, that he has forgotten how to do otherwise. A boy so badly hurt that he forgets how to cry, that he forgets how to laugh, that he wastes every moment watching for danger, hypervigilant. A boy who cannot share a room with another human being without panicking that they are going to assault him, or worse. A boy who lives his days smothered by lipstick-pink desires and temptations that he hates and fears and loathes and doesn't understand, but which he gives in to nevertheless because he is terrified of the alternative. He is terrified that if he says no, he will make things worse. But he is wrong. There is nothing, nothing worse than losing your soul because you've been convinced it's worthless in your own hands.
There is nothing worse than watching a boy lose his heart because he's been told that it's inherently filthy.
There is nothing, nothing more painful than seeing a young, beautiful boy forget what love is, because he's too used to trauma masquerading under that name.
There is nothing worse than seeing this child view the world through empty eyes, praying for death, when all he truly wants is to live, to live a life free from pain and terror and abuse. His nights are sick. His days are sicker. What do we do?
I do not know.
Can we do anything?
I do not know. He could, if anyone could. But you see what has happened.
Yes. I do see. It's a shame, a heartbreaking shame. He's not trying to hurt him.
I know. But he does. The boy is broken. You know so yourself. The slightest touch will break him further now.
Does the healing require such terrible pain, though?
I don't know.
I see.

i have a feeling that whatveer that cloud of text is , its important.
not going to even ATTEMPT to wriet anymore tonight,good night.
weekends are tough. everyone is home and there's a lot of noise. i get suicidal on weekends from the sheer overload of sensation. its easier than dealing with an assault on my five senses for 72 hours afeter all
i was so tierd and sad today i laid in bed for 2 hours listening to todd rundregn
after standing otuside in the sun for an hour and wanted to cry because i couldnt just go into the woods and lie down beneath the pines and stay there forever
i couldnt fly this evening they told me i wasnt joyful enough and you cant fly without joy, i was weighting myself down
i got myself tos mile and for a second i felt my wings come back, mayeb i could have flown a bit but no too much sad
last night last ngiht hurt so much
whoops j is gone sorry he must not want to talk about that

but im not allowed to talk here too uh oh seee you

sept 24

Sep. 24th, 2013 04:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Things that happened today, so far.

At therapy, the session opened with her saying we were going to start working from Amongst Ourselves, I've vaguely heard about the book before, from the online DID community, but I've never looked into it. Still, she gave me some papers photocopied from the first chapter, and we discussed it a little already, so we'll all start working from this together. I'm glad; this really feels like a big step forward in terms of where we can go from here, with understanding and management and coping and the like.
We also unearthed a big connective point, which is the main thing I want to record.
I've known for a while now that I associate pain with corrective love (childhood discipline), and retributive healing. When I am not punished for a wrongdoing I fear that I am either irredeemable, or that those who know and have not punished me are manipulating me into committing wrongs. This is a rather paranoid mindset and it is not often true outside of headspace. This is also why our protectors in headspace (Laurie and Knife) are also persecutors in their own right-- under that mindset, those who protect must also harm. ('Bleeding' is viewed as beneficially purgative, etc.) I seek out abusive relationships because I feel more cared for in them. I freak out when my friends don't express disappointment or anger with me, because then I think they have no concern for my welfare or even would prefer that I become a delinquent. And this explains why I am the closest to Laurie upstairs, above everyone else: she pushes me around, she insults me, she used to actually beat me up, but there are NO vicious motives there (motives are very important!!), and she has ALSO made it VERY CLEAR that she adores me and she would do anything to keep me safe. So, to me, the 'violent' side of her personality actually supports that. I know she cares BECAUSE she treats me roughly. This may not be true for people downstairs, but the mindset is there, and has been for as long as I can remember. "If you truly care for my well-being, you will punish me when I do wrong."
I've also known that I feel obligated to take blame from other people, in order to end fights. In my house, people wouldn't take responsibility for mistakes, big or small-- "I forgot to do something important because YOU distracted me," etc.-- and so things wouldn't get settled. I was frequently told as a child that things were my fault, even if I had nothing to do with them at all. Still, although this was emotionally frightening for me, I learned very quickly that if it was my fault, truthfully or not, I could then act as a peacekeeper, taking the brunt of all the anger and guilt that no one else wanted to face. As I grew older this made me become very diplomatic as well, but as a child, it just made me feel like I WAS solely responsible for everyone else's pain. My obsession with "being good" BUT also feeling that I could only be truly good if "my sins were purged" through punishment or pain, made me feel obligated to become the literal scapegoat. Therefore, "you must be punished for causing such pain in others."
But today, in therapy, I realized that this second mindset ties into the first one in a way I never noticed before? This constant feeling responsible for my family's suffering, on top of my associating parental love/ my own worth with pain and punishment, is what caused my problem of thinking "I'm incapable of making correct choices on my own." See how it lines up? The negative reinforcement smothered any positive reinforcement I got for my own choices. Usually, if I asserted myself, or voiced an opinion, or anything of that sort, I was told that I was "hurting someone else" in the process, "being selfish or manipulative," etc. That also explains why I rely on headspace people for inner choices, because I've had this internally too. So instead of choosing on my own and hurting people, or causing more trouble, or making everything worse... I learned to just give in and do what I was told.
I daresay that sounds familiar too.
My therapist reached that exact same point. "You learned to just give in, to get it over with."
As soon as she said that, the panic alarm went off, and I started slipping badly. However, SHE NOTICED! And she called it out, which was enough of a distracting surprise for me to struggle back into decent enough control to finish the session.
I'm glad it happened though. I didn't realize THAT was so strongly tied to THESE concerns, too! Go figure. I'm hoping we can pursue that line of thought in the future, safely. Healing is a long and involved process but we are getting there, wow are we ever.

I was too shaken up from the session slippage to drive afterwards, so Laurie decided to. As usual she lectured Knife and I the entire time, but in doing so in light of therapy we discovered something else: that weird dissociation I get doesn't go away when other people front. Headvoices are better able to manage it, though. I wondered what it was, and then suddenly, Laurie got it-- since we're all anchored in headspace, THAT'S where we naturally ground! When we front, we are SPLIT between being in the body and being 'upstairs.' Laurie instinctively talks to us aloud when she fronts, even though we aren't 'in' physical reality. When she stops, and 'thinks' for herself, she says 'the silence and disconnection bothers me.' Because in order for her to REALLY front, with her own private thoughts and actions and choices, she HAS to temporarily 'unplug' from headspace. That's somewhat jarring for a headvoice to do, and so they typically keep that connection when fronting... which causes the dissociation, and the tendency to suddenly 'switch out' if someone else is triggered, or wants to talk, etc. There's simply not a strong enough anchor for the traditional DID complete fronting when our people front. It's part of our rules, of course-- always having backup and people watching prevents total pandemonium, as well as sudden dangerous switches-- but it is highly problematic because it makes body functioning dazed all the time.

On that note, I needed to pick something up at the mall for my bro, so Laurie phased out and then asked Knife if he wanted to try fronting? I think there was a bit of lighthearted bickering here, but then Knife said sure-- and he did something REALLY interesting. Instead of jumping right into the body (which would involve a pause and shivers and a blurry few-second transition), he PROJECTED? Like we do when the AP is running, and we just program commands into it. He stayed upstairs with us, but he began sending programming to the AP to make the body act more like he felt, and THEN he jumped in. That eliminated the total stop we typically would need to switch! So that was cool.
Anyway, I know he was fully fronting once we entered the mall, as I remember he was staring at the map and asking me where we needed to go. That moment struck me as very interesting, because I guess I was far enough 'out' to not be bleeding over into his mindset, and since I'm usually not, it actually shocked me to see that he was 100% unruffled by all the people around him. I usually worry on the behalf of other system members, as I tend to feel trapped, self-conscious and overwhelmed in public, especially with so many people! And always being aware of headspace makes it feel like people can see all these others surrounding me, although I don't know if they can. But Knife was standing there, arms stiff at his sides, calmly reviewing this map, oblivious to whether or not people were looking at him oddly. It was really cool. Then Laurie told him where to go and he set off, all of us hanging back and watching to see how he handled fronting in public for the first time. Honestly, he did surprisingly well. He walks in a very dignified manner, holding himself straight and formal, with none of the walking trouble that I have when I do that. There was no arm movement I think, but every once in a while someone would approach the body and trigger the instinctive 'they're trying to hurt you' response, but Knife didn't panic or back out (he knows it's not always warranted too)-- instead, I noticed he only clenched his fists like he was holding two knives. The first time he did and felt no actual weapons, there was a slight wave of real concern and hesitation, but it faded quickly enough. But that wasn't the best part of him fronting-- mind you, when a headvoice fronts, the entire inner perception of the body changes to them. So Knife is walking down the hall, formal and stoic, his coattails trailing behind him, and all of a sudden I realize that he's wondering what to do with his teeth. I had no idea what that was for a moment, and then I realized, he DOES have fangs!! He was shadowing fangs, and was slightly distressed by the fact that he didn't actually HAVE any, but he could feel where they were 'astrally,' so to speak. Laurie and I thought this was hilarious, and she teased him about it a little, to which he actually started nervously biting the inside of the mouth. I felt kind of bad because it's always disorienting when your body doesn't match, but it was kind of endearing seeing Knife act so human, ironically, even if just in a little way. (Also I hope he doesn't mind my mentioning this, but after noticing the teeth thing Laurie joked that we should buy him some plastic vampire fangs since it's almost Halloween anyway. I laughed at that, but Knife didn't respond for a few seconds. Then he said, somewhat wonderingly, "do they really make those?" Laurie cracked up of course, said yeah, decided on the spot we were going to buy him some ASAP. I thought it was adorable.)
Anyway. On the way back out of the mall, Laurie decided to front for a bit, so Knife graciously phased out and let Laurie phase in, allowing the few-second AP gap as usual... and the switch from his affect to hers when she settled in was striking.
Laurie swaggers when she walks. It's both awesome and hilarious. Honestly, Knife strides along like an aristocrat, all stately and somewhat aloof... but Laurie just ambles around like she owns the place. She's simultaneously relaxed and battle-ready. Just picture a debonair entrepreneur and a nonchalant gang leader walking side-by-side, and you've got a pretty accurate image of the difference between how they each carry the body. (As for me, I'd be the five-year-old kid running along behind them, grinning from ear to ear and probably tripping over curbs, haha.)
I'm curious who else can front in public, now that we're aware of what causes the system-wide dissociation for non-public alters (in other words, most of us!). Usually only strong-minded people can do that, as they don't have to worry about major triggers... so Mulberry is definitely a candidate. Problem is, she might be the ONLY candidate. Razor is NOT, despite her unnerving calmness, because she has the moral compass and social comprehension of a two-year-old. The first and only time she's fronted before (the only reason I even know it happened is because there's a VOICE FILE of it on Mitchell), she literally wondered aloud how I resisted the urge to "cut things" when there were so many things to cut around me. You get the picture. But then we only have the kids (who HAVE fronted but have been emotionally damaged by the experience), Jeremiah (who is NOT comfortable around people at ALL), and Sugar (who will attack anyone who she perceives as the slightest threat). Everyone in Central used to be able to front without the slightest problem, but... I don't know if any of them are still alive, besides Laurie.
Still, I'm curious now. I don't know who the public fronters are and I don't think I can; that would impede on their function. But I wish there was a more coherent system for fronting. It's not easy to live upstairs 95% of the time, and then have to deal with the consequences of the other 5% if someone manic or self-destructive comes out. Not fun, dude.
I'm laughing though. I just brought up the old adakias journal to review some things, and already, I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT STUFF. So soon, so suddenly! But I guess it's good. I needed new energy, some new place to let go of the mess that happened this year, with the resets and people getting hurt and tossed around. That's about all I know about it though, just that painful things happened. Couldn't tell you what though, and I'm thankful for it. Now we just have to help everyone else heal.
That's something I haven't mentioned yet either. Knife's new anchor is that of a healer. He can actually do that now, heal people who have been hurt in headspace. I don't know if anyone could ever do that before, so it's pretty amazing. He and Laurie are basically BFFs now (well, as bff-ish as those two can get) which is brilliant as well.
I miss seeing people get along like this. I miss feeling like headspace is a family. I'll tell you what, these reset things may have been traumatic, but now, Central and the Underground are connected. There's no split between us anymore. We all work together. And personally I think that was worth it. Everything works out in the end. I really do miss this feeling of togetherness. I can't remember the last time I felt it.

On a similar note, in light of yesterday, I think I'm going to practice energy sensing again. I've been so shattered internally that I've forgotten how. But I miss being able to perceive things subtly, and in strange ways. I miss tasting color, and smelling auras, and seeing sound. I miss being able to reach out and get this sensory rainbow from anyone upstairs whenever I tuned in. I miss my creative side, too. That same side of me is the one that can shape words into similar sensations. "Poet mode," you know. I haven't been anywhere near that in at least 6 months, I'd think.
But now, immersing myself in the literature I adored as a child, in all those ideas and images that helped me become who I am today... I wonder, if both of those sides of me are coming back now? It sure feels like it! It's exciting, actually.
I'm currently on Animorphs #17, which was my first favorite book of the series-- it's this glorious shade of pink, and Rachel turns into a BAT on the cover, for heavens sake! (You may not know, but I actually loved the color pink as a child; it didn't become "evil" until Julie stole it. I even used to pretend I was a pink pterodactyl in 1st grade, haha. And of course I have always adored bats!) I don't remember the actual book-- I don't remember the series at ALL so re-reading it is so awesome-- but I'm excited to start it, especially since the next one is #18, where Ax turns into a mosquito, and I LOVED that one as a kid, for many reasons. One of those reasons, amusingly enough, also ties into the reason why I haven't started reading #17 yet... which is that lately, I've been busy soaking up the beautiful words of Madeleine L'Engle, my biggest childhood literary inspiration.
I mentioned that in my previous entry as well, but... reading the Wrinkle In Time quintet over again, revisiting the worlds and remembering the messages within it-- it all makes me feel that I'm not as lost as I feared I was. No, that's not quite right... it makes me BELIEVE it. Meg is so much like I was as a little kid: stubborn, impatient, and angry, sure, but she loves her brother, and she has a good heart, and even though she feels she is inadequate she is shown to be an important individual in her own right, inherently worthy of love. I'm not like her now, and I don't even remember what it was like to be 'childhood me,' but still, following her footsteps, I'm finding strength and hope, too.
How do I explain it?
Really, this is when I wish I had friends, who weren't overwhelmed by me. I get SO enamored with these books and things, I need to just effervesce this joy, with someone who feels the same about it! Bursting with affection and admiration over music or art or the like, and having someone just nod and say "okay" in response, really makes me feel tired and sad. I need the reflection, the sharing. Because I do NOT feel this way about things easily! Sure, I can say I liked this or that about a lot of things, but when it gets down to total sparkly bliss and inspiration, there are only a few things on that list. To my surprise. L'Engle's books have stayed on that list!
But it's oddly personal, too. It's personal in an oddly close way, where it feels too intimate to talk about it casually. When I really love things, it gets like that, which is hard for people to understand. Even Nier! I can't play that in the same room as other people because their world is BEAUTIFUL and the music is GORGEOUS and I feel SO much like Nier himself and Grimoire Weiss is the COOLEST... you get the idea. I love that game. So I need to share it with someone else that loves it so. Which is very hard to find, because when I truly love something, I love it intensely, with an ardor that's inherently tied TO my creative, poetic side. And that depth makes it something really special to me. But most people just say "okay, I can see you like it," without FEELING why... and it just sucks me dry, like a black hole. I'm essentially showing them something that has affected me deeply and strongly enough to light me up like a supernova, bright-eyed and laughing from the wonder of it, and they can only see it as another point on a list of interests... Nier, FROST*, Klonoa, A Wrinkle In Time. You get the idea.

On that note. (Perhaps somewhat disconnected, but it's close enough to me.)
I am halfway through A Wind In The Door right now. Meg is currently trying to figure out which Mr. Jenkins is real, standing in the schoolyard, backed by Proginoskes the cherubim. And up to that point I kept wondering just how fluffy those feathers were and just what those lovely eyes looked like, et cetera, and then suddenly Mrs. L'Engle reminds me that manifested cherubim have circulatory systems and I was like whooooa dude okay I'm sold. Honestly I crack myself up with this. I've been obsessed with hearts since I was a tiny kid and really I used to be ashamed of it-- that's the real reason I loved Animorphs #18, now you know-- but now I embrace it as this odd but quietly honest weakness of mine, something that fits perfectly into my forever-naive compassion for everything. It just hurts that, for years, I got it confused. I got a lot about myself confused. Not anymore though, we're cool. Now I'm just blushing like an idiot at the thought of cuddling up to a huge fiery fluffy cherubim, aha. Especially one with an attitude like Progo, he's adorable, I love him.
I have forever been enamored with how L'Engle portrays cherubim, though, as you probably have gathered. THIS is the image of them that I grew up with. That is GORGEOUS.
You've probably noticed that is most definitely where Infinitii anchored aesthetically, too.
That's why this re-reading is hitting me so hard. Yes, Progo is brilliant, but he keeps reminding me of Infi, this strange and beautiful being. But Infi has intimacy going against him here, ironically. Isn't that weird? I can be as affectionate and loving as I want with a total stranger who is open-hearted to it. But when someone gets close to me, and starts returning that to me, I freak out and push them away, then run when they try to get close again, even if I still love them with all my heart (although I will likely bury it in fear). I've never understood that.
Maybe it ties into the old love=pain thing for me. Maybe. It would make sense, at least on a basic level. But the fear? Is that because my family was emotionally bereft when I was growing up? No one was close to anyone else, any gestures of such were viewed with harshness. And then growing up with a non-traditional gender and romantic orientation made it impossible to show feelings towards anyone, on any level, without being rejected in disgust and often hate. I did it to myself, I would know. But it's sad. Maybe I just learned to be scared of it, without knowing why.
All I know is that I miss that weird little angel with his creepy toothy grins and big gray-red eyes and echoic voice in my head. I don't remember him either and I miss him. It's so odd.
Chaos too. He's all three-pointed stars, except fluid, all oceanic and blue and a strange lovely fusion of points and curves. He's hard to describe and it's awesome. But I miss him too, and I don't know who he is, but something keeps pushing me really quietly to maybe find him again. I can't be sure.
I just want to find out why I'm more comfortable with welcoming strangers than I have ever been with close friends. Maybe that's why I like Laurie, too? Because she never gets too close, and when she does, there's always that edge. Always that slight brutality to it. Won't even kiss me without pulling my hair. Gotta have that pain somewhere, or I get scared. So odd. At least she understands, and doesn't want to get emotionally close anyway, and neither do I.
Emotional closeness and emotional openness aren't synonymous to me, I just realized. I can be an open book with anybody, entirely trusting and vulnerable, but there's a childlike quality to it that, when disturbed, SHATTERS me. I can be the most affectionate person in the world as long as you're treating me like I'm younger than 12. Once you start seeing me as an 'adult,' once you start trying to pull me into 'mature' relationships, I get terrified. I run.
Oh hey. That's probably it. What if I had my perception of friendships and partnerships and romance corrupted so badly at such an early age, that I never learned what they really were like? And now I don't know how to fix it. I've been trying, I've apparently just made it worse! That's what the Undergrounders keep saying, "be careful," "the hackers go after you because you're fragile," "you can't trust people like that." And I know that's true. But it's tough for a soft-hearted silly person like me, I guess. It hurts for me to not trust people, or to realize that yes, there ARE people inside our head that want to hurt me. Naturally I want to love them, and help them heal. But they take advantage of me, so other people have to protect me a lot. Otherwise... well. Bad things happen.
Laurie says that's my biggest flaw and my biggest blessing, my inability to stop being so childlike. She loves and hates that about me, but she always says, "kid, never lose that." Always.
Sorry, it's late and I'm starting to fall into "I don't know how to speak in written language because words are confusing and I just want to feel at people" mode. Kything!
But yeah. Fluffy gorgeous cherubim and hearts and eyes and fire and smoke. So nice. I can't help but laugh when I realize that THAT'S my ideal aesthetic, no wonder people look at me funny! I don't mind though. We'd be best friends and it'd be great.
I can visualize exactly what I want to say, and what I need, and what I feel. Isn't that unusual? I can think in pictures just fine, but I don't know how to put that into words! It's why I struggle with writing stories down too. How do you put an expression, or a feeling, or a sight, into words? You lose what you're actually trying to describe, limiting it to written language. it's so frustrating sometimes it makes me cry. why can't i just show people these things, watch their eyes light up and they'll laugh too, what beautiful stuff that is, thank you for sharing it with me. and i'd smile, hey do you like music, do you want to hear some of the symphonies i hear in my head? oh yes please theyd say, young and old people alike, businessmen in top hats and little kids with gaps in their smiles and old women with thinning hair. yes please, and then i'll share my dreams with you too.
that's the kinda world i want to live in down here too, in physical space, in the waking. i want to live with people who all love and trust each other and everyone gets along. i want to be able to walk down the street and know that everyone is my friend and i am everyones friend too and we all do what brings us joy and share it.
oh and a world where when the cold autumn air whips around the moon and clouds like crystal, like it did last night, i can go outside and really fly instead of wodnering why my arms wont carry me up into the sky unless my eyes are closed.

sorry. i am very tired. this got really disjointed really fast, thats what happens when theres a switch in consciousness.
dont worry though this is j, at least a deeper part of me i guess, the part that doesnt like having a name. but its "me" if that makes you feel a little better.
hmmmm i want to give you a song of the night let me find a nice one.
OH here have some glitchy choral things because we're talking about angels and this is my favorite genre ever.
plus it sounds like infinitii if that makes sense. you'll see what i mean.

g'night everyone you're all lovely have sweet dreams and all that
today's been beautiful, tomorrow will be too, see you then!


spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
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