dec 11

Dec. 12th, 2013 12:23 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
listening to this https://soundcloud.com/birdfeeder/jurassic-park-theme-1000-slower
knife is actually crying from how moved he is by the music
he was hanging off laurie's arm earlier, overwhelmed, saying he just needed to 'hold on to someone'
now theyre sitting on a couch in the underground meeting room just listening 
knife apologized for being so emotional but laur said "don't you dare censor that"
she said when beauty makes you respond to it in kind, you let that happen however it wants to
knife's wiping tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand, just this really genuine motion
it really struck a chord with me so i'm writing it down

sugar is sitting on the floor next to the unnamed "angry girl" that holds the rage towards the parents
they're trying to work together and be friends, they're both technically protectors of the innocents
she doesn't have a name yet but i'm sure we'll find one soon enough
she's helping us build her subeta avatar, she actually tried to draw herself to help us see her hair?
so that was really cool too.
sugar said she's been slipping badly but i think this camaraderie will really help them both

earlier, laurie, leon, infi and i were just listening to choral music in infi's realms
as we were walking by the christmas tree downstairs
laurie and leon were practicing channeling music, they were both euphoric over it
but that was another 30 minutes of peace and community and we need that

that is it for today, just wanted to record that.
the little things are what really matter i think.
theres so much joy hidden in this system, we tend to lose sight of it with the trauma stuff
but it never breaks, its never lost

laurie said, "stop trying to 'fix' the road you're lost on; just turn around and get on a different road"
jay keeps thinking he's broken but he's not, no one here is, no one ever is
we just lose sight of our deeper natures sometimes.
but its getting harder to forget now.
lately we've all been so aware of the bigger picture here
and that's really beautiful too. 
so it's like we're all a part of the music in our own way

sorry, battery dying, see you tomorrow after therapy
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
MAJOR UPDATES!!
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP. 
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

nov 18

Nov. 18th, 2013 10:01 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for," while playing with his tongue stud as always-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as chakra tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the chakra candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data voices? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

nov 16

Nov. 16th, 2013 01:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
(two notes because I have no time to update today)

- awful waking up stuff. julie trying to hack us, got through for a while, and ultimately tried to attack infinitii. he refused and told her to leave him alone, but she refused-- and infi actually had the idea to shout "rape" in response. this was actually genius as it got sugar's attention and she immediately showed up to fight julie off. (i infamously almost never call for help when i'm in trouble; it's an old and bad survival response.) julie didn't think sugar had the guts to fight her if it came down to that, but sugar's hook-swords apparently changed her mind after a minute and she bailed before sugar could deal actual damage. infi thanked her, and they actually began to talk to each other a little about the situation, but I was starting to get incredibly woozy (I had just woken up after all, hence the hack) and couldn't hold any awareness of that. but infi noticed, and immediately called down (loudly!), "jay, get out of that bed right now." I willed myself to do that as quickly as possible, then got out of the room fast. infi thanked me for responding so quickly, as we were in real danger, I said I knew that and that's why I pushed the body to obey right away (sometimes it's near impossible to get it to respond despite risks). he and sugar said they'd be extra vigilant for the rest of the day just in case julie tried to finish the job or something.

-angelorei helping the car today again! I miss them. they're my favorite jewel monster species; I used to always see them surrounding the car on family road trips, guiding us so we wouldn't get in accidents. there was one right outside my window smiling at me (I was a passenger today), he said not to worry, I could even close my eyes if I wanted to, that was how much I could trust their protection. it was a really great feeling to know that, so I did.

nov 15

Nov. 15th, 2013 09:32 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We've had abusive, ignorant, or otherwise non-connected people fronting lately so I apologize for the lack of substantial updates, especially when things have been happening. Let me see what I can recall. 
(I apologize if this is in pieces for now; I'm very tired)

- About 2, 3 days ago, Knife came running up to me, saying that "Sugar was sick." Apparently her anchor had slipped enough that she was starting to demanifest, and she was unwilling to find a new purpose to work towards, thanks to her original one causing her to become the favorite puppet of several other malicious voices. (new anchor: protecting 'sweetness,' which is something both sugar and the color pink have not had in ages for us) 

- lots of angry people out lately. this is scary; it seems when people anchor upstairs, and then become beneficial for the System and able to communicate with each other, suddenly it becomes difficult for them to front, even if they were a social previously? and they are rarely triggered anymore. this is bad because now those outer anchors are being taken by nasty people. also jess is really loud lately and that is never good either! 

- (javier, knife, g/m/q all fronting last night. javier has troubles with speech, but shockingly knife was able to speak today! he fronted specifically to look at the moon, actually teared up over it. the two were talking for a bit which was new. later the gent was TALKING to the grandmother, through the hoodie of course so his accent was muffled. mav was driving the car for a minute. they were worried because they are still bleeding into each other and the queen is very unstabele; they decided they were going to focus themselves better? also they thought the fact that you could see the highway from the graveyard was interesting; I remember mav commented that "death was a grand adventure"-- he said many people viewed death as a dead end, as "the end of the road," but he laughed and said "a dead end isn't the end of it all! stop the car, get out, and keep walking! you'll see things you'd never have from a vehicle." the gent said that was a wise perspective) (also apparently biting with the canines will catch knife's attention; it's his grounding method. I think with javier it's his piercings and ear gauges; he's constantly playing with his tongue stud. he says all that metal in his mouth brings his attention there, and reminds him "that he has to speak out" for those he protects.) 

- (dream hack today, here. made everyone sick and scared for the whole day)

- (julie and infinitii arguing this evening; badly dissociated during that, but basically julie was repeating her mindset from this morning, considering infi's role and energy makeup. i specifically remember him sternlysaying "don't call me a harlot" after she did just that, jeeringly) 

- I've been 'seeing things' more clearly lately? (weird celebi-angel thing following me around, 'digimon' people that same day. genesis is clearer too.) 

- more subeta people! finished sherlock, started the g/m/q trio, working on einsatz, refining infinitii. 

oct 26

Oct. 26th, 2013 06:45 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Lots of important stuff today, good heavens. Let me write down the important stuff first.

- First off, THIS HAPPENED last night, it is relevant so there you go.

- There was a "hack" this morning, if you can call it that, since we usually reserve that term for Julie's efforts. However, J REALLY slipped, and Infi is aware of that. However, since everyone was incredibly vigilant this morning, surprisingly, that painful experience triggered a lot of new awareness, since we were actually paying very close attention to every little detail this time.
The most important realization was this: J's very function PREVENTS him from being conscious in those situations! We didn't know that up to this point, but it explains why every attempt to fix or stabilize him fails disastrously-- he doesn't need to be fixed, and we're all getting confused because we're dealing with different people every time. On that note, if you readers didn't know-- yes, in our System he CAN dissociate in headspace. Our System is internally based after all. Only the bloodline fronters seem to do this though; when other voices slip, it's a result of energy confusion or bleedover, not an actual identity split.
So when J suddenly stopped acting like J, Laurie stepped in and took charge. Since J was in a mostly-energetic form at the moment, she literally reached into that, and pulled out whoever this split person was. Well, the person she removed had red hair and eyes, and although he looked different, the first name on our minds was Eros. That guy's been a 50/50 threat since he came into existence last December, and when he disappeared we were all wondering what happened. See, J has to stay separate from the things Eros holds, as they stand in total opposition to his function. So having the two of them unknowingly share a body was just a disaster.
After that, the memory is extremely fuzzy. J cannot access it, and we do not know who stored it. Infi remembers most of it but he won't elaborate. All we know for sure is that, after everything settled down, J "showed up" and said he had no idea what had just happened. That is when Infi declared the second paragraph here (J himself isn't damaged, he's just tangled), but then the body fell asleep so recall is also mangled thanks to that.

- We were right all along; J is NOT the default fronter now, even after the reset attempts, and there are a LOT more than two people who cycle that role during the day. Since we've been paying a lot of attention to it for a while as well, and today there was some notable clarity, our tentative knowledge of the people who typically front is as follows:
  • J (white hair and eyes). He is the observing inner consciousness, but he is not tied to the body. Ironically, although he is unmistakable when he fronts, it is notoriously difficult to tell when he's not fronting due to everyone assuming he's in charge downstairs as well. A rule of thumb is that he's very childlike; his central tenet is innocence.
  • Jay (brown hair and eyes?) He is NOT the same as the above guy. We're still trying to pinpoint him actually, but he has no trouble fronting in the body as long as dysphoria does not become an issue-- then he gets kicked. He's eccentric but relaxed, preferring to keep to himself. He seems to be somewhat "cut off" from upstairs, meaning he is likely anchored on the downstairs level. He also appears to be the "default" fronter, instead of J. We are also NOT SURE if he is tied to "Jayce" at all? But we haven't seem him interact with a reflection yet, so.
  • Jewel (brown hair and eyes). She still wears her backwards baseball cap and Klonoa-styled hair. Her age is still unknown; although she appears around 13-14, she often gives her age as either "12" (her original, most stable age) or "16," possibly because 2006 was the last time she was actively able to front in the body.  She's always optimistic and loves life, but she finds it incredibly difficult to interact with other people due to her internal roots.
  • The Autopilot, who does have a corporeal form: it's a cyborg, all white plating and black wiring, with red accent lights and eyes. It doesn't have a "personality," but it IS self-aware, although it refuses a "self,' if you can grasp that concept. It gained its "overlay" form (the personal physical appearance that a fronter projects "over" the body; they're not necessary but they are helpful, also they do not need to also exist in headspace) when it fronted for several days in early July, during the first massive reset when Infinitii was temporarily dead.
  • An unnamed female voice, who is only triggered by 'casual' social interaction. She's been around for years, possibly being born at our first job, and she causes us a lot of trouble because she is almost entirely automated, without any "personality." As a result we think she's a splinter, not a headvoice, and we're going to try and either reprogram or dissolve her.
There are likely others, but these are the only ones we are sure of.
Also, it still seems to stand that any Leagueworld fronters have NO "SELF," as that severely interferes with Link function. League work usually occurs with marked dissociation, but no fronter-- meaning the body is running on automated programs during that time. This can be very dangerous, which is why we are trying to fix programming, or at least put ourselves in safe situations where harmful automated functions would not be available.

- It appears that, if two headvoices from different levels are trying to front, they CAN co-front to an extent, since they are operating in different respects (typically downstairs voices stay in the body, upstairs voices stay in headspace). This is interesting and offers new possibilities that we may be able to use to our advantage.

- The "underground" (Tar level) headvoice that has been tormenting David has been revealed. Her name is Sharona. She is an adult woman, which is unusual. She has long black hair and shocking blue eyes, which is noteworthy, as Julie also has blue eyes and this may be playing havoc on the BLUE slot upstairs. In any case, Jeremiah and Mulberry have taken a specific stand against her for the sake of protecting the children.

- I just remembered, we were doing the laundry earlier and Jeremiah suddenly fronted? That was surprising; it's very rare for headvoices to spontaneously front as their functions are mostly internal. Apparently, my grandmother owns this really fuzzy blue sweater, and Jeremiah saw it and showed up immediately, cuddling it up to his face for a while. Apparently it was the "perfect sort of sweater" in his opinion, which is good to hear actually, as he's very picky with clothing due to not feeling "safe" in most of it.

- Knife, Laurie and I (J) were trying to talk to Christina for a while this evening. Laurie was right; she is scared. She was trying to explain the whole "Jesus died for your sins" thing to Knife, due to his 'atonement' role, but he was struggling with that concept apparently? Then at some point he let it slip that he was a vampire and she freaked out. Knife was confused (as usual when that happens), but so was Christina, because Knife wears a cross, and those are usually used to repel vampires down here in the physical world. Anyway I have no idea what else they talked about, all I know is that Laurie was standing further down the hall from where Christina was (she was in some sort of small chapel; it felt like it was underground), and the two started talking. Knife asked Laurie if he should stop wearing a cross, because he didn't want to casually wear a Christian symbol if he didn't identify with that, and that's when I showed up because I clearly heard that line and decided to speak up. So I phased in and told him that Hosea, a character from Hokthai, wears a cross because he sees its ties to the Jesus act as a reminder of "someone who loved humanity so much that they were willing to die to save it." However, we all had a bit of trouble with the idea that humanity was "inherently bad," in the original sin idea, so we were discussing this again when Christina stuck her head out the door and grumpily asked us why we were there. Now that's when we all started talking to her, but you'll have to forgive me because my memory is awful and I don't know most of what we talked about. I do know that she was mad at us because we all have qualities she views as "wrong" somehow: Laurie swears and "isn't a boy or a girl," Knife is a vampire, and I'm apparently a "homosexual" (which is a common but not entirely untrue misconception). Of course Laurie kept trying to get her to explain her views on this, but Christina essentially refused to question things too much, as she viewed us as "devils tempting her," trying to get her to "lose her faith." To that Laurie specifically said that no, she was trying to get her to "expand it." She could have a much more inclusive, open-eyed faith if she would stop refusing to consider other facets of things. But Christina's fear won out and she said no. Again, we talked for a while, but we didn't give up and leave until Laurie somehow ended up mentioning Julie, and Christina got stuck in this bizarre moral complex, saying that it was wrong for Julie to rape people because that was "abusing the gift of sexuality" (which Laurie was actually thankful she said; it meant that I couldn't try to convince myself that being abused was a "good thing" out of my own fears, if Christina of all people disagreed)... but then she said that Julie was doing the better thing in "trying to cure me of my homosexuality," and although she couldn't justify the rape with that, she couldn't completely condemn her either. At this Laurie literally threw her hands in the air and said "that's it, we're done," and left without another word basically. She knows when to stop! Anyway after we left we all agreed that we were going to stop having such spiritual/ religious talks with Christina because, really, we were doing the same thing we wanted her to stop doing: trying to convince people to change their opinions to what we wanted. As a result we all decided to let her do her own thing, unless she started actively harming people, then of course we'd have to step in. But no more controlling, even in indirect ways. That's not good.
Oh, and I almost forgot: at one point Laurie asked her if she was trying to convert everyone because she cared about them, or because she cared about everyone having the same beliefs as her? Would she still care about us if we weren't Christians? I don't remember if she answered that; she seemed really conflicted over it, especially with how "morally corrupt" she saw the three of us as, for different reasons.

- Lastly, most importantly maybe, Waldorf managed to FINALLY anchor back into headspace today! Josephina (who has been unstable but at least he's not dying) was ecstatic to see her of course, so that was great. Wally is seriously considering moving back into the Central BLUE slot if at all possible, since she misses us and really, she could hold that role really well if only we could fix the inherent instability in the Blue slot (same with Pink obviously). So we'll work on it. We missed her a lot.

- No wait, on that note, I forgot to mention why we're so worried about Sugar right now. Besides notable inner instability, the biggest warning sign that a headvoice is slipping into demanifestation is that people tend to forget them. Like they actually "slip" out of awareness. Before Waldorf left Central last year (as she was slipping too badly at the time to stay), we kept "accidentally" leaving her out of headspace lineups, forgetting that the Blue color existed at all, stuff like that. Major warnings that we couldn't believe were happening. And it's happening now, with Sugar. Although we're all aware of her, in therapy she often gets excluded from lineups, which is bizarre, and lately I've been forgetting her color slot. Which, again, is freaky, because I know full well what it is, but it's the present knowledge that falters when someone starts to slip. Thankfully we're at least now able to tell that she IS being "hacked" by faceless people, in that they are literally using her like parasites thanks to her energy being so close to theirs, so we can drag her out when we catch it. And thanks to that, her internal form IS becoming more clear and stable. Turns out there is a faceless voice that took on a temporary form that looked almost IDENTICAL to her, except it was brown in color. I daresay that sounds familiar? (We were vaguely suspecting of such an individual over a month ago). AND that weird faceless voice that seems to be protecting the Spectrum room has latched onto the idea of holding a Pink slot, thanks to us talking to it about it... problem is it has become fond of Sugar's slot, specifically, which isn't good as she's already in it! That needs to be fixed, we don't need it being stolen. So we'll continue to be vigilant about her.

- Oh wait. Forgot to mention this too because it felt too much like "nothing changed at all."
CHAOS IS BACK IN HEADSPACE, AND HIS COLOR CHANGED.
I am dead serious, he's like this starry dark blue it is CRAZY. Also I think his name changed in headspace at least? Like with Rio and Markus and Genesis. And that makes me wonder; I think that NEEDED to happen. He was the only one out of our original group who didn't fix their manifestation in that sense, so this was surprising but not unexpected if that makes sense.
Anyway, I didn't get to talk to him yet. Not much, I know I saw him talking to Laurie and I said a few words but I don't remember that sadly. All I recall is being unable to access any memory of him again, and Laurie said maybe we just need to get to know each other again? Like just be friends and spend time together without any preconceived notions. Chaos smiled and said he was perfectly fine with that. So we'll see on that too.


That's it for tonight; battery is about to die again so we need to call it quits for now.
Tomorrow is Sunday, with the NNWM thing that we're honestly not sure if we can pull off: writing books is beyond the abilities of most of us as we don't think that way; plus we have no idea what "normal people" live like... but thankfully we don't write about "normal people" when we do, so that's a slight relief, haha. In any case we did sign up, so we'll have to deal with it the best we can. Here's hoping there's no social fronter interference though; being in a group of people like that usually causes instant dissociation. We might have to rotate people, who knows.
In any case, no use worrying about it. Let's just give it a shot and see how it goes.
See you tomorrow evening, let's hope!

oct 23

Oct. 24th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh shit." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "fuck you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

sept 25

Sep. 26th, 2013 12:43 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I had to wear Knife's cross all evening today because we had such a brutal hack this morning that the ENTIRE Underground was freaking out and taking every last safety measure possible to keep us from trying to kill ourself.
Here's what the data said.
JULIE WAS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE.
Apparently she left a voice recording on Mitchell (our handheld recorder), that ONLY Knife heard, before deleting it in disgust. I think she said something like "I win, bitch" but I can't be sure.
Also, she FRONTED TO HACK US. THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AND THAT'S KIND OF TERRIFYING.
Typically she "hacks" someone else's consciousness, or fronting-- hence the term-- by driving them to a severely dissociated state where she has total power over them. She has NEVER just SHOVED EVERYONE ELSE OUT TO DO THIS BEFORE.
So, yeah, NO chance of buffering, or trauma control. I don't even know how long she was in the body when it happened. I have no idea.
All I know for sure is that Sugar got the body into the bathroom and SHE decided she was responsible for giving retribition? She didn't even want Knife or Razor to know-- I guess she felt responsible for "not being able to stop Julie-- OH! That's what happened!!
Apparently Sugar managed to BREAK THROUGH the hack for a split second before being shoved out again? And although she definitely tried to stop her, she mustn't have been strong enough, as Julie "won out." And Sugar was being eaten with guilt over that, "I could have stopped her and didn't," therefore she wanted to be the one bearing retribution for it, in secret, not even wanting the other Undergrounders to know that a hack had happened (since it was a totally new sort of hack, we had no alarms for it and no one was notified). Oh my gosh that's so sad, I am so sorry she had to deal with that alone.
But I guess the others found out soon enough? Because there's a weird fragmented data memory of Razor coming out later, complimenting Sugar's work, and then a few minutes later Razor asking Knife why the weapons won't work and being very distressed about it? But that is absolutely all I can see about whatever happened there.
The next thing I can see is Mulberry fronting in the bedroom, smudging sage of all things? And actually using it to try and "purify the room from Julie's taint." I know this for sure because the room was full of smoke afterwards, she must have burnt a lot. But that's not the important thing. That important thing is that she was trying to bless the room, and SO DID KNIFE, SUGAR, AND RAZOR. I don't know how they did it, or what they said, but... wow. Here are the four main Undergrounders, four individuals I used to be terrified of, viewing them as persecutory and harmful abusers... and here they are now, going above and beyond their normal duties to try and protect us. Me included. There was a time when I thought they were literally incapable of such an act of compassion and protection and hope. But it apparently DID happen today, a strange and oddly moving light shining in the aftermath of a horrible, horrible dark thing.
I don't know when Knife decided we should wear a cross. All I know is that I'm wearing one, and I was told via a stern mental message "not to take it off," so I won't. I'll keep it on tomorrow too. I'm kind of scared that such a bad hack apparently happened; I don't want to be caught off guard by any follow-ups tomorrow. I'm one of the most fragile people up here, by my nature; I would literally die if I got caught in a hack. It's why I usually only come out at night now. Isn't that ironic? Nighttime used to be the most dangerous time for us, tons of hacks. Now mornings are. How did that happen?

Besides that I have no idea what happened today.
My grandmother did mention at one point that apparently, my mother visited for a while last night while I was on the computer? Problem is, I DON'T REMEMBER THAT! And when I told her that, she said that this is the SECOND TIME THIS WEEK that I wasn't aware she had visited, AND spoke to me, while in the living room! That's really jarring. Am I seriously losing that much time? How did I never notice that before? Did I just take the memory gaps for granted, with stress and lack of sleep, shrugging off weeks that disappeared into oblivion, simply because no one cared to inform me of what happened during those missing hours? It's kind of scary, to wonder WHO people know "me" as. Who in the world fronted at our old job, then, which I don't remember at all? Or at school? Did different fronters handle different schools? The old assignment tablets are dizzying to read, each one of them obviously has a different author, who in the world WERE we?
I'm not going to worry about that right now though. Too tired.

I have one last thing to say tonight (it is 1AM and I really want to sleep), something BIG that I NEED to mention in therapy tomorrow.
There is... there are a few files on Mitchell, my voice recorder, that I didn't put there. I knew about two of them prior to today. When checking files today (I recorded some music this morning and wanted to see what else was on there), I found three more.
I don't have them uploaded anywhere. I don't know if I should. But I've spent the past few hours transcribing them for you to read.
Here you go.

The first, and earliest, was a day I was feeling too drastically ill to drive home, so Lynne did so, and then invited everyone else to talk. That one was more 'fun,' with no heavy material discussed, but it gives a rough feel of what everyone sounds like when fronting. It was notable, though, because it's the only time I've ever heard Nathaniel talk in the body, at least that I remember. I also speak on there, SEPARATE from Jewel (another host-piece), so that's important too as differentiation was blurry for a while prior to that time period.

The second, the scariest one, I have no idea when or how it happened. I guess whoever was fronting was trying to catch the Undergrounders talking, in light of the first file. Someone got mad about it, and then suddenly Knife and Razor were caught in audio for the FIRST time ever, as far as I know. Seriously, Knife had never spoken prior to this, and I don't think Razor had either. Speaking of Razor though, listening to her talk is one of the creepiest things I have ever experienced.

The third happened spontaneously on the way to the library, I think? I know Jo asked to front as he was having trouble with that issue and wanted to get it off his chest. Since his role in the System has been all over the place, having a 3-minute file of him talking is really something. It's also VERY important, as this was right after we learned Christina's name, and Jo's observations on her proved to be highly valuable in understanding what was going on with that whole mess.

The fourth happened when I was going to pick my brother up from work, but that's all I know! Apparently ZWEI of all people noticed we had the voice recorder, and decided to say hello by singing into it for seven minutes. I'll tell you what, I am super glad she did. HER VOICE IS ADORABLE. She is also a darn good singer, wow, I might have to get her her own Soundcloud or something. Anyway listening to her sing makes me smile. I hope she's still around.

The fifth and sixth happened on the same day, only about a week or so ago. I also was not clearly aware of them until today. They are probably the most incredible files on the entire recorder, amounting to 15 MINUTES of audio, all from a headvoice that I don't actually know. Who is it, you ask? The one we've been calling SPICE. The one in charge of food. And she is not happy.
Listening to this one today actually made me cry. It... you have to hear it. You really do. It's surreal and disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time. She talks about her role, but mostly, she talks about how much she hates me? Although I know she doesn't mean "me"-- problem is, ALL the main fronters are called "J" BY DEFAULT because we assume a host-piece is driving if the fronter is unidentified. But I'm the one named J, and since I'm the main host-piece in headspace, meaning I'm the only host-piece that people know, all the blame tends to go to ME, whether or not I'm even aware of the event I'm being blamed for... or, at least, it did until the reset disasters occurred and I ended up feeling like 5 years old and Knife realized I was just as much a victim of the Tar junk as he was. So people had to re-think my assumed guilty conscience and then they realized stuff is really just a huge mess up here.
Anyway that's not the point. The point is that nothing like this has EVER happened to us before. This is a SOCIAL voice, a FACELESS one no less, who we didn't even KNOW about in any concrete manner prior to this recording... and yet there she is, 15 minutes of pain and rage and sorrow. She also says a LOT of really important things, which-- amazingly-- pertain to exactly what I'm discussing in therapy right now, and was seeking answers for. I'll have to thank her, if she'll listen to me. Or if I can reach her. Maybe if I start a new food journal and leave messages for her in there? Speaking of, I need to scan in her angry messages from the old one, now that I know the real motives behind them...
You know, even if I'm not directly responsible, I'll take the blame if it means I can heal it and help her. I felt so awful, hearing her words. I know I can't eat those foods, but I'M not in charge of that! I dissociate every time I walk into the kitchen ESPECIALLY if someone else is in there!! I'm not the one she needs to yell at, although maybe I am to blame for not being able to front and keep the real culprit from coming out. I guess that's how Sugar felt this morning.
I don't think "Spice" has fronted since then. I have been careful with food lately for unrelated reasons (surgery mostly), so now hearing this I'm VERY glad that I've been doing so. I'll be even more careful from now on.

Now, it's 2AM, I have nothing left to say tonight. Tomorrow is therapy and that's BIG and I need to be up at 9AM for it so I have to leave right now.
See you!


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The Lightraye System

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