dec 10

Dec. 10th, 2013 11:04 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you visit the archive, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll fucking kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing all that shit on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (God what a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented as hell, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember shit and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it fucking sucks in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the ass, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the hell happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't fucking know. I'm just pissed and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but damn I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing shit, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just fucking hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Damn it. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain shit to. See you later.

nov 3

Nov. 3rd, 2013 11:27 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoever keeps fronting when we go out in public, especially when we visit the biological family, PLEASE STOP.

You are rude and mean and careless. You DO realize that the ONLY reason "your actions have no consequences" is because WE are suffering the consequences for you???

Stop it. Stop it please. You're hurting the children and we're afraid of you and some of us are VERY MAD.

I don't want you around so please go away and leave us alone.

Laurie is mad at you and Knife is mad at you and there's a few new people who seem nice and they are mad at you too!! Because you keep eating and saying bad things and hurting the body and you don't seem to care, I saw you, you don't even care that we exist, you want us dead and gone.
I saw you before, I think, a long time ago. I don't want you to come back and be mean anymore.

Go away. J and Javier are supposed to drive, not you. I'll chase you out myself if I have to, even if it's hard.



You don't have a fuckin' monopoly on the goddamned body, so stop treating the thing like your own personal trash dump. We fucking LIVE in this thing, same as you, and you had better respect it or so help me God I WILL find some way to cut your head from your shoulders without beheading the rest of us in the process.
Bottom line, whoever the hell you are, you'd better stop this shit or the consequences won't be so invisible anymore.



As you can likely tell, today the body needed to visit its biological father today. Since this was a directly social environment, where interaction was both constant and unavoidable, an unknown social fronter manned the entire trip. After several such occasions, we have verified that this is indeed the same individual every time. Unfortunately, they are neither a beneficial nor a benevolent fronter. They are lewd, proud, selfish, and apathetic to the needs of others. They are a disgrace to our System and we would be loathe to let this person front again now that we are acutely aware of how they present to the public.
Laurie, after having observed this person for an extended period of time, has also now verified that this unknown fronter does have an energy overlay. As suspected, they fit the criteria for the "manic red voice" referred to in the past, notably here. (This voice is suspected to have written this entry as well, in a less suppressed state.) However, this voice's appearance is not outwardly red, surprisingly; instead, it is that of a teenage girl with long brown hair, and brown eyes. It is unknown whether or not this voice is tied to the original body host or not. Whether or not they are, our verdict on them is clear: they are an undesirable individual and must be forbidden from all future fronting if at all possible. This may prove difficult; they are strongly anchored to social situations, so we will need to find a replacement fronter for such situations who will not be overwhelmed or otherwise rendered incapable of fronting for an extended time period in an interactive environment.

jayce isnt bad he's good with the reflection maybe he can do it?



He's been trying to, kid, it's just that the man ain't used to being IN a physical body yet. But that's a good idea, I'll work on it. --Hey, and if you don't mind my asking, who the hell are you? D'you have a name yet? A face? Anything?

no just a yellow color that's all. but i'll look for a name if that will help?



Yeah, sure, that'll help a lot. Thanks little guy. I promise you I'll keep an eye out for this bitchy social fronter from now on, she really pissed me off today. Thank God the AP was-- fuck, Sherlock, you didn't mention that yet, did you? Go do that.


Sure. Up until today we always assumed that the "default" empty consciousness in the body was the Autopilot, i.e. the accumulation of programmed responses with no capacity to interact otherwise. However, our experiences today have shown hints of evidence towards the contrary-- there may be another "empty" fronter that we have been confusing with the AP all this time. This other fronter is a "numb" consciousness, incapable of holding or expressing a self-identity of its own, and only acting on orders. Laurie spoke of interacting with this voice with Javier earlier this week, and both of them also assumed it was the Autopilot. However, the major distinction seems to be that the AP operates on a pre-programmed operation list, whereas this numb fronter operates according to orders given in real-time. We will continue to be vigilant from now on, in order to more clearly distinguish the two, and gain a better idea as to how to manage their fronting times and behaviors.


Thanks man. Hey I also want to shout out to J, or Jay, however the fuck he's spelling it now-- the white-haired rainbow-eyed kid, you know who I'm talking about. J, I know you're reviewing the archives trying to figure this shit out for therapy, but for the love of God, have some of the data voices do it every once in a while. You are so goddamned sensitive to that shit that it is dragging you right the fuck back down INTO those old mindsets, and with how fractured your identity has been lately as well, let's just say I don't want that happening. Which is ironic, because I don't think you know what the hell you're reading, you're just acting on imitation and... fuck, I want to say empathy but again, I doubt you even understand what it is you're trying to imitate feeling-wise. Just... don't slip. Okay? You're so goddamned sensitive I don't want you being shoved out of your own fucking head by shadows or some shit. I worry about you, and I'm really worrying right about now as I haven't seen you in a couple of days, not solidly at least. Same with Infi, please tell me he's all right, I know the two of you have been going through hell lately and frankly it's scaring the everliving daylights out of me.

laurie are you okay you seem upset? that's not like you.


No, not really, I guess not. Shit. I'm just... really fucking tired. Can we close this thing up for tonight, get our heads on straight, come back tomorrow or something? Weekends are hell and half to get through, I really just can't wait until Monday.


okay, I'll close this up. goodnight everybody.


spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Good morning!
Just taking a few quick notes before therapy, on behalf of the "spice" voice (we really need to find her real name; she's specifically said that 'spice' is not it-- she wants a name that has nothing to do with food).
I've found my old food journals, that she has indeed written in, and I've realized something notably strange?
There is a MARKED and rather shocking difference in both my diet and my attitude between 2011 and 2012. I didn't have to stop eating meat until around MAY of last year-- which shocked me, as it feels like I haven't eaten it in years! And I didn't cut out gluten for good until MARCH of last year!! What even, man? Do I have switching to thank for this? I honestly do not remember eating that stuff. Even weirder, though, is that in the old food journals, instances of eating those foods ARE marked with "got sick," "fever chills," "hives," "threw up," "extremely nauseous," etc... but that's it. It's all disturbingly nonchalant, sometimes even adding "don't worry about it." Dude, I DO remember one morning you ate a bowl of some sort of rice cereal, and you were honestly bedridden from pain for the rest of the day. Don't tell me you forgot that. It was really, raelly painful.
But this "Spice" voice didn't start talking again until June. There were 4 straight days of her loud protests, then other people started writing in it, and then the journal stopped completely. It had become far too difficult to keep up at that point, obviously.
By the way, yes, I did say "again."
I totally forgot until today, BUT! When I was younger and being treated for anorexia, my food journals were incredibly bipolar, if you'll forgive the term. My nutritionist was baffled by them, I remember. Some pages were even torn, shredded with inkstains, huge angry letters scrawled across them, insults and protests... and then, lower down on the same page, calm and weirdly cheerful reassurances, "calm down! you'll be okay!" This would repeat, all the time.
Kind of freaky, to only realize that now, that MIGHT have been the beginnings of her. Explains why she is like she is, at least.

I'll scan the pages in some other time; right now I need to run!!

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