spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
 we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.

2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because 


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak. 
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one. 
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, fuck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE FUCKING DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help. 
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there. 


Kid, the light isn't separate from the fucking darkness, look at Infi for God's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. This shit won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this shit WORKS.
Today was fucking horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that shit. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true


there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love. 
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.



I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back. 
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.
(edit: i think this article puts it into words better than we were able to)

"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with. 
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.



dec 05

Dec. 5th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
quick fragmented update because today was really rough.


crazy fronting this evening
self abusive meltdown caused it I think.
no idea when or how that started, but then cannon came out
shocked that it wasn’t 2009
"I cant do this anymore," but scared of dying from an infection or allergy from the cuts
talking to angels or guides, "don't hurt me," but still trusting.
little yellow boy was out? only a little but his energy is getting clearer.
DAVID was out for a minute in the kitchen; he was stuttering and crying
JEREMIAH took over for him, and that was a shock because he fronted REALLY loudly; he was so genuine, wow. sobbing, hands in hair, upset because he knew these was abuse and figured it was from a hack he didn't buffer, "who had to feel that pain?"
went upstairs, data voices being really loud, he left?
fronters really messy for a while
some "new" person came out to talk to the mother, didn’t know who she was
walked into room, talked to data voices, kept asking how to find a name
jayce took over momentarily, got his fedora, is he STILL pinstripe?? if so we need to review his role!
then someone went in kitchen and sat down with the inpatient hospital papers
the "autistic kid" came out, rubbing table, didn’t talk. wonder who he is?
then sherlock took over, went to get his glasses (he has trouble seeing without them?) and started reviewing the inpatient hospitals. wrote a page! handwriting is all angles, almost greek
after him, one of the young girls wrote a page of 'what to buy,' after that no idea what happened

nov 18

Nov. 18th, 2013 10:01 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for," while playing with his tongue stud as always-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as chakra tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the chakra candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data voices? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

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