oct 29

Oct. 29th, 2013 03:06 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.


That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.

So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

  1. J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.
  2. Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.
  3. With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.
  4. As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

Now for the rest of today:

  • Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.
  • Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.
  • There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.
  • A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.
  • Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.
  • Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak?  He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.
  • He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.
  • Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."
  • While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "fuck you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.
  • Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.
  • Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

That is all we have to say for today.


We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

gfp notes

Sep. 29th, 2013 04:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoa hey, VERY important note on the GFP this afternoon.
I would post the whole thing here but it's huge, so here's the link to read, and I'll just write a few notes on it here.

Okay, I'm doing 1-2-3, 4 I haven't felt the need to try, 5 is a bit expensive but I'll keep it in mind... but 6 jumped out at me.
I've known for a long time now that I can no longer handle social environments, because of the energy I feel there. I cannot go into malls or stores or the like without someone being triggered, dissociating wildly, or otherwise being completely thrown off-balance. I do what I can to ground, but honestly I think it's just better if I avoid those places from now on (the one excursion last Thursday made me a bit of a mental mess for the rest of the day).
The second half of that is VERY RELEVANT too, capslock for emphasis. "Don't engage in lower energy conversations." Unfortunately those happen daily in my household. Thankfully I dislike such talk the way it is, so I've been actively removing myself from the area whenever they occur for several months now. Sometimes I'll get pulled in without realizing, but when I do that there will always be an inner warning, either from "above headspace" or from someone within the System. Plus I can actually feel the energy shift in me, and it makes me feel physically ill. Honestly that's been taking me by surprise lately-- many things I used to discuss casually with my family now make me feel very unwell. As I said, though, I'm getting much better at gauging my own energy, so when people start flinging grudges and old hurts and conspiracies I know enough to not get involved.
My biggest problem is still judging myself though. My godsend of a therapist is helping immensely in getting us to work through our old pains efficiently, something we struggled with alone for ages. Infinitii is also helping me personally, now that he's back and functioning better himself, but he deals with REALLY deep stuff, things that even Laurie won't touch, so there is a LOT of trauma and old self-hatred being dug up here. He is forever patient though, and compassionate, so he can handle it, which initially surprised me but I'm so grateful for it. He doesn't seem capable of losing hope. But that's practically mandatory for someone with his job, which is to hold the most dangerous and yet the most powerful slot in the System-- the Black slot, the color of space and infinite potential, the well of creation from which life springs. That's what it's supposed to be, not the sticky Tar stuff we've been used to dealing with. We know this.
And, again, A Wind In The Door cut straight to my heart with its relevance on that point. How do you fill an empty heart, how do you overcome cold nothingness, how do you win against the Echthroi if fighting makes them stronger? How do we win against the Tar if fighting it makes it stronger? Simple. You love. You love with everything you are, unconditionally, and you fill the void with that joy of being.
We learned that truth a long time ago, but somehow we forgot it. Maybe that was needed too. All I know is that right now, it's the perfect time to remember.

Point 7 is huge. "Get off media."
I haven't watched TV in months. I don't listen to the radio anymore. I don't even have the heart to play video games-- that little round of SC4 yesterday was tough enough, what with the fighting. We've all kind of agreed that we no longer need to do things like that.
However, the Internet is still something I stick around on, here and there, for the sake of records like this and checking relevant sites. Unfortunately... there is a LOT of tar-sticky stuff on here. I avoid Tumblr now, same with deviantART when I'm not posting things. I only use FB to briefly keep in contact with acquaintances, otherwise I don't touch it. Even my old Youtube subscriptions are getting harder and harder to watch, music channels included. So many things just feel heavy, and painful, and dark anymore. But it's easy to let go once I realize that. There's no desire to deny that, and hold on selfishly. If it makes me energetically ill now, I just shrug and leave it behind.
Ironically, that IS happening with Homestuck now. The violence was tough enough for me to manage from the beginning, but now I just don't feel any real interest in the entire thing anymore. Which is kind of hilarious, as I used to think it was the best thing ever. Oh well, things change. I'm still reading a few other comics-- notably Paranatural and Olympus Overdrive-- but I've had to ditch most of the others. I'm going to be more vigilant now and toss anything else that feels problematic. Right now I'm sticking to L'Engle's books, and I haven't felt too shaken by Animorphs yet. Again, we'll just see how things develop. But I like the emphasis on the frequencies of those who created the media we take in, too. That is important and I've overlooked it.
You know, I think this is why I am literally incapable of working on the LeagueWorlds when I'm in a bad mood, or feeling down, or when it's too much of an intellectual effort. That sort of energy doesn't belong in there! And it's making me seriously reconsider the way I work, too, especially with Dream World. That's actually been following by the wayside because of the sheer amount of thinking I need to do with all the technical points. It burns me out so fast, it can't be right. I think I'm going to re-read the original chapters a few times over, get a feel for the way I used to write when I didn't care about technical info. And L'Engle is inspiring me here, too. In her books, fantastic and amazing things happen, but she NEVER goes into lecture mode with "and this is exactly how it works and why..." Honestly I think I'd lost all interest if she did, it would bog me down. On the contrary, she assures us that we can know things without understanding them, and that doesn't make them any less true. I'd also like to add that we can understand things without "knowing" them in a concrete way, too. So that feels very strongly like the direction I need to take now.
As for all the other series... I don't know. I love them all, but they're impossible to write for now because of the old energy in them. Mage Angels especially, which is ironically my most developed series. I think the ONLY thing keeping it alive is the vein of indomitable hope that runs through it, in spite of all the pain and despair.
In general, I'm just tired of the fighting. I'm tired of separation and cynicism and bitterness and depression. I want to write happy things, I don't want to see the people in these stories suffer either. But then I wonder, doesn't that defeat the purpose of stories? If stories exist to tell tales of growth and human nature, what happens to the stories when there is no need for conflict anymore? I don't know. Maybe we don't need that kind of story anymore. Maybe just living simply is all we need anymore. It's all I want now, when I really feel about it. I think that's a better sort of story.

This is what's been distressing our System for over a full year now. "If we were created from pain and fear, to prevent pain and fear, can we keep existing once we completely overcome those things?" Can we become something better, greater, brighter?
Long story short, yes. Yes we can. I'm trying to let my therapist know this too-- she's still unsure whether or not integration would be better, but then again she doesn't even know us as people yet-- but no rush. We all know and accept and embrace that hope now. We can be something new. We don't have to fight anymore. Heck, Laurie's probably the most enthusiastic about it, and she was the most violent of us all. Now she's quickly becoming the exact opposite, and I have to smile, because this feels like it was her real role all along.
Knife's on board, Mulberry's on board, Sugar's on board, and I know even Razor would be too if she could just get over her obsession with cutting things (can we find a non-violent outlet for that?). Everyone who's currently alive in the System-- besides Julie unfortunately-- wants a different future, wants a life where they can be happy, and unafraid, instead of what we're currently still dealing with. But we'll get there. That's a guarantee.
The most important thing of that paragraph to me personally, though, was "don't tell people what to do!!" That's an old and useless part of my personality, I think. As a kid I would boss everyone around. Growing older I became used to following everyone else's rules unquestioningly, but also feeling obligated to "lead everyone else." That's actually the first thing that started making me feel sick when I realized it, would you believe? People would ask for my opinion, or "what they should do," or anything that put me on the spot to make some sort of judgment over another's thoughts or actions, and as soon as I'd start talking, I'd feel uneasy. "Don't be talking in absolutes," I'd hear. "Don't act like you know things for sure." Stop assuming that there was only one right answer, and stop pursuing that false ideal so doggedly. Stop being so paranoid about everyone else's decisions because "you care about their well-being." Guess what? The Universe cares about them too! Everything will work out, trust it. Their lives aren't yours. Share advice, but let THEM choose what to do with it. Push no one. Lead only without leading. Everyone has their own path, so walk yours well, and let that be all.

Point 9 actually surprised me. "If you are not doing a higher consciousness spiritual practice, just ‘being the Love and the Light’ is no longer sufficient." My knee-jerk reaction was that I was failing at this, haha. Go away, old instincts! But no, I'm not a total failure. I am meditating, but it would be wiser to do so more often, and more deeply, ESPECIALLY now that headspace is coming together again. I am clearing a great deal of old debris, but it would be very unwise to just sit back and wait for it to dissolve, instead of taking initiative myself. I am well aware of several barriers still existing, all rooted in some strange unclear fear, barriers that actually became VERY clear to me while reading A Wind in The Door, no surprise. Since my conscious mind seems reluctant to dive in and dismantle those fears, meditation is required to find them and gently remove them for good. My only protest is that the atmosphere inside this house is rather dense, and meditation can be incredibly difficult when all around me there is noise and heaviness and strange feelings that make me want to cry or scream if I let them unbalance me. The solution? Go outside! It's always there for me, and I know that as soon as I walk out the front door, I can actually feel a weight fall off my shoulders. Plus, I already know that my clearest meditations happen in cars, or standing on the front lawn! It's quiet and closer to the world than it is inside these four walls, smothered by too much clutter and old pain. So go outside, dude. You need to.

Point 10. How fitting, as I've been concerned about this for months now.
I'm also going to paste the entire paragraph here, as it's perfectly relevant as is.

"99% of channelers mean well but a huge percentage of them have no way of knowing if what they receive is pure. You are the final say on that. If it is part of your pathway of growth to be deceived or mislead, you will be; but if you are aware that such a thing can occur, maybe then you are gaining the wisdom to avoid relearning old lessons over and over again. Don’t give away your power to a channeled concept or idea or being. If they can assist you to become more of your Higher self, then use that guidance. If they want to allow you to sit by and have them do the work of increasing the Light for you; then don’t follow that advice/suggestion. You are not just a being of Love and Light, if you did not have to do any work on yourself, you sure as heck would not be on this planet, right?"

I think that's all I'm going to write for today.
I'm debating whether or not to re-read A Swiftly Tilting Planet next, as I actually first read it immediately after the Scratch this February, and although all the war stuff was somewhat tedious for me to read, the book still had enough of an impact on me to reduce me to tears for a good 15 minutes after turning the final page-- specifically because of how relevant it was to both the LeagueWorlds AND headspace. So for that fact, I seriously think I should re-read it, despite my reluctance at dealing with the colonial bigotry and such that Charles has to witness during his travels. I have faith enough in Mrs. L'Engle to trust that the book will nevertheless be important now, as it was 7 months ago, when this strange inner ordeal of mine started. Perhaps that fact alone is why I am reluctant. We shall see.

Before I close up, though, I just want to thank Infi for helping me heal from the trauma the other day, and for being wise about it, since it was really late and I was slipping really badly. But it worked, somehow, and he has my gratitude for it. Don't let my ego try to deny that, because it does. It likes to deny progress out of fear of the past. Don't listen when it does that, because the past no longer has any power over any of us.

"If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego... and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved & the need to judge. Those are the 3 things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up."

Until next time.

sept 23

Sep. 23rd, 2013 10:13 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, bullet list for things I've been forgetting to write down.
(btw this is a new journal so it WILL take a little bit to get used to. no worries though.)

  • The Undergrounders keep calling chocolate "demon blood" all of a sudden. This makes sense as it's essentially black sugar = sugar is what the Tar runs on = therefore the Tar is black sugar as well = therefore chocolate is essentially Tar in edible form.
  • Figured out why the 'Spice' voice hasn't manifested yet. We asked her to try and form a temporary body yesterday (she keeps hijacking Sugar's mind as the two are anchor-tied), and when she scowled and said 'fine,' she ended up looking NOT HUMAN. She was humanoid, sure, but that's about where the resemblance stopped. She is still that odd caramel color, but she's all stripey, her eyes are swirly I think and she DOES have big teeth like Emmett used to.
  • Headspace has a dark aura around it again right now, probably because of all the hack attempts we've been having lately, the anger of the spice-voice, and the heavy resulting dissociation. HOWEVER it may also because we are currently suffering severe mental/body burnout as a result of all the computer work we have been doing lately... although I cannot tell you what it is. I have no memory of it, all I know is that no one has been working on the Leagueworlds because we've apparently been focused on other unimportant things? This will change, never fear.
  • Speaking of hacks. Unfortunately, there was one last night, the memories surrounding which I am still barred from directly accessing, but can review as data objectively. Razor was given permission to retribute it, apparently, but I am told that SUGAR buffered the consequences this time, to keep Jeremiah from being traumatized again? This is new, and notable.
  • Also concerning hacks and Leagueworlds, Julie/ the Tar are moving their focus back TO those worlds, or at least J's perception of them. After all, the Tar is powerless to damage the truth of those worlds, but it can damage and taint the way J sees them, through lies and pain and trauma. There have been two major hacks in which they disguised themselves as LL individuals, including the successful one last night (the ONLY success they've had since the August reset, that I know of). This is angering not only the System but also Mr. Sandman, although he has been keeping his distance lately, as the Tar has been trying to attack him through J's dreams now, a phenomenon which we have never before experienced.
  • Today I noticed that Knife smells somewhat like woodsmoke? I got a lot on me and it kept making me think of him really clearly, like the smell of blood is Razor. It's been a while since I could pick up on headspace energy in such a manner, but with the inspirational energy I've been getting from books lately, I must admit I am not surprised that it is returning now.

On that last note, let me review a little more of important info.
My only clear memory of yesterday is from around midnight, when I was walking and finishing the last 40 pages of A Wrinkle In Time. I finished it and, for the first time in a LONG time, I (J) came through to fronting. I know Laurie approached me, and although I can't tell you exactly how our conversation went, two things stood out.
One, I had become too analytical. I keep thinking when I should be feeling, not trusting my instincts, tearing everything to pieces just to see how it works, you get the picture. It's not right. But that doesn't need to be elaborated upon to be obvious and understood.
Two, that the strongest point of that book was indeed the brightest truth in our system, still, even if we'd forgotten it.
"Love. That was what she had that IT did not have."
The entirety of the children's visit to Camazotz, their encounter with IT, reminded me of our struggle with the Tar, with our own 'black thing.' And we knew this truth too, that we COULD defeat it, without violence, without fear... but we've forgotten how to do that, haven't we. We've been too smothered by pain and terror to remember.
I've forgotten most things myself.
I still have no memory of anything over the past year or so. I don't remember myself, let alone anyone else. This isn't surprising, we've all reset in some way. But how do I rebuild? Where do I start, to start over? Laurie said, stop overanalyzing things. Stop thinking about it. Stop trying to make everything mental and logical. That was Meg's problem in the book, too-- trying to understand with her mind, not her heart. Somehow I've slipped into that, and it feels alien and painful. I'm finding the roots of this computerized mental processing, though, and I am removing them bit by bit. Most of it is survival, which is saddening, but I don't think we need it anymore, not if we work together. So that's good.
Chaos Zero has been trying to reach out to me lately. Loudly. I'm starting to listen now so there's more synchronicity, another thing we've been missing for several months now. I don't remember him, but I think he remembers me, or at least who I was for a time. Maybe we both need to forget each other and start over? Who knows. I'll find out.
All I know for sure is that something deep inside says I CANNOT IGNORE THIS, it's too important. (Laurie insists that too. She keeps saying "you're not ready to meet him again," not yet.) I don't need to understand that to know it's true, somehow. So I'll listen, and trust.
Similarly, I'm trying to read A Wind In The Door for the first time since 2002, but Proginoskes keeps reminding me of Infinitii, or at least his essence. That's not too surprising, especially since Progo's inspiration on our childhood imagination is what Infi took a page from in 'mattering' himself, but as I said it's been a very long time since I could feel essences. Plus, Infi's died twice already, since his manifestation in April, and I've found that I don't remember him either. At least, not logically. He's not who he was before the reset in any case; being Black energy, he shifts. But he's clearer now that things are settling. So am I. I think I'm beginning to understand who he is now, beneath all the things that were trying to kill and maim him. It's important. But I can't overthink. It would break this.
Everything is so strange to me all of a sudden. It's hard to make sense of things, the past doesn't make sense, doesn't seem real. I feel like a newborn. Knife was right, I guess!

I keep trying to fly when I go outside, without even realizing it. The cold autumn air is so perfect, it feels like a dream, and every time I forget that I'm not dreaming and I spread my wings only to realize that I don't have any. Maybe I look foolish, taking a blissful running jump and then reeling with confusion when I can't catch the updrafts under my featherless arms. But it's been true as ever lately. I keep feeling my limbs replaced by wings, surprising me whenever I notice they still look the same, but feeling a weird tug of sorrow when I realize I'm still earthbound. How odd. I've never felt such an incredible need to fly in the waking before.

One last little thing to remember.

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart."

We have therapy tomorrow, maybe something important will be unearthed again. I hope so. I've remembered how to hope now, too. I thought it was evil for a long time, but it's not. I miss it, really. Hope is pretty nice.
(On that note I hope I covered everything for today's review. I'm tired and feeling sick from exhaustion so it's hard to remember.)

Have a good night.

sept 21

Sep. 21st, 2013 08:43 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
You know how I used to say that "it feels like the universe wants headspace to stay together," but as soon as I started ignoring headspace, that feeling went away and I'd convince myself that I had imagined it all?
I was being silly, thinking that the universe would be so fickle. How could I have forgotten how the system works? After all, if you blind yourself to something, of course you're not going to see it.

Today, I got my eyes pried open for the first time in a long while.

I woke up around 8am, feeling sick and in pain. I was also dead tired and didn't want to get up just yet, but I knew that if I tried to go back asleep, I was running an extremely high risk of being brutally hacked. However, my nausea won out and I decided to take that chance.
Sure enough, the tar-black nightmare imagery and flashbacks crept up on me quickly. I chased them off the best I could, but then I was shocked to realize that I felt someone else trying to reach me behind all that... someone I hadn't heard from in a long time.
You'll have to forgive me if this is choppy. When I'm less than half-conscious, my "brain" stops working and everything runs on emotions and honesty. No masks, no lies, no analysis... but no defenses either. So this is going into stream-of-consciousness mode, because trying to translate it into coherent text is not going to work.
Also, a warning because raw headspace is always bizarre, so this will likely seem extraordinarily weird in terms of events and things, even to me. But, as I said, it's a different sort of reality than the waking. Still just as important though.

(felt him 'reach out,' tried to tune in. immediately, beautifully clear perception of him 'floating down' to where I was, wings out, all black feathers and eyes. it felt entirely genuine, like "whoa he really is still alive," but HE didn't feel entirely right somehow. i tried to talk to him but he wasn't translating, and whenever i'd start thinking too hard i'd be phased out. so i stopped, tried to just get a feel for things. couldn't reach him well until i started falling deeper into sleep, then slipped into headspace. forget exactly how, but i found him quickly, ended up in his bubble (although it was small, dim and empty now). however he seemed half-awake too, but in a bad way, like he was unable to stay conscious. this felt tied to the "off" vibe he had, i wondered why? THEN it hit me that "dude, those hacks keep trying to happen, are they hurting him too?" because the august reset ONLY happened because they temporarily killed infi again. and he didn't seem to have recovered entirely, his anchor was unstable and it seemed like he still had tar in him. to this i got a mental response from "up there" (above central headspace, i ONLY get cryptic guidance from there; MIGHT be the system itself so to speak) saying "his body and spirit are pure, but his soul is not." asking how that was possible, it said that "something else was inside him" messing with his identity and ability to function.)
(this is where it gets REAL blurry and weird, because mind you, this is the first time in SEVERAL MONTHS that I've had a direct headspace experience, and this came out of nowhere. anyway infi essentially 'blacked out' now, i worriedly asked if i could get whatever was in him out out of him. i think the voice said yes, but it would be difficult? i asked why and it said that the thing infecting infi was physically inside him, if I had to get it out it'd have to be surgical, essentially. i didnt want to hurt him, voice said in his current state he wouldnt feel anything anyway. either way the next thing i clearly remember is mentally calling knife, loudly, it was important. he showed up, looking mad/shocked, what in the world is going on, is that infi, etc. said i needed his knife, he couldn't get in the bubble, said toss it. he hesitated but did, i caught it, immediately just followed instinct and cut a thin circle into infi's chest, then cut a T-shape into that. all very carefully. tossed the knife back to knife, i think i told him to go back but stay prepared in case something happened? regardless, i had to open up infi. working on headspace logic now. he didn't bleed-- i don't know if he can normally either-- could see ribs and organs though. hesitated because i knew i had to get past the bone. felt like the up-there voice was literally hovering over my shoulder as i did this, never felt that before. it reassured me then. so i somehow 'cut' into ribs with light, "hinged" it so i could get past sternum. his heart was still beating, i swear to god i almost died right then; you know how i am with hearts, and this is INFI for heavens sakes (i adore him if you dont know). i actually had to pause for a bit, felt like i was about to cry or burn up, voice said keep going, BUT then things get blurry again. i dont know if this was instinctual or if i was instructed to, but i then cut my own chest open down the sternum, laughing a bit as i did so-- knife had been slicing me open there in the waking, so it was almost precognitive in this sense hilariously. but i don't think my insides looked human?? either way i then formed this cord of rainbow light, linked infi's heart to mine? i think he woke up then because i swear for at least a few moments he actually held me like that (purposely), REALLY thought i was going to die from emotional overload there, BUT!! RIGHT AROUND HERE THE CRAZY IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED.)
(infi was conscious, chest still open, but something happened where there was either tar coming out of him or something else? all i know is that once it got out, IT TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL LIVING THING. it was at least 15 feet tall; looked like a spider? yellow crystal-like core, then eight or so very long, spindly black legs coming out of it. they were solid but had a tarslick look to them. i think the yellow core had an eye or something? but it SPOKE and it was TRYING TO KILL INFI and then Knife AND Laurie showed up because they sensed major trouble and they were trying to fight this thing it was insane. i remember it running through the catacombs, took up so much space, destroying things as it went. i dont remember much though sorry i was worried about infi and halfway dazed myself)
(MULBERRY SHOWED UP i have no idea when, all i remember is laurie said 'we need someone to seal it off' and knife immediately thought of mulberry, said she was all about structure and refinement (with her professionalism). i guess the energy directed towards her then helped her wake up completely (she's been groggy for about two days, no longer in coma) and she ran in, wtf is going on. SOMEONE gave her energy i think? all i remember is her holding a clear cube of white energy, dark pink core. somehow used it to 'close off' the area so we were all in a cube like that, spider couldnt damage the catacombs anymore. also suppressed it i think? it couldnt move well)
(anyway, last thing i remember, someone managed to cut the spider thing down, infi tried to eat it and convert its energy? but IMMEDIATELY knife and laurie practically screamed "SPIT IT OUT," he did (it was like liquid shadow now, shapeless) but couldnt get it all out-- so he tore it out. dead serious, he 'liquefied' to pure black substance, and REMOVED that surrounding area from his body, then reformed. in doing this he lost a wing, ended up crying pitifully from the shock of it all, i held him and told him he'd be okay. anyway the bit he spit out was just the yellow core now, kind of melted and bleeding, but i THINK it was still trying to talk? sounded like it was mostly dead though, couldnt form words. anyway laurie said seal all of it away before it reforms or something, infi put it in a tiny bubble, i think knife said he'd lock it away underground? woke up shortly after this, still connected though-- knife wanted me to do something before i totally detached, said it was important. i think infi said "keep him close" during the day, i know he wanted me to wear his bubble but honestly i forgot... i don't know if im emotionally ready for that yet)

So that was that. I don't remember anything else much from the day until 3PM, when I had to drive my grandfather to the ER as he was in severe pain again and we wanted to make sure he was okay. So I was at the hospital with him for 3 hours, re-reading A Wrinkle In Time in the waiting room, and that's when I felt some things start to click back together.
See, that was my absolute favorite book as a kid, and I haven't read it in a very long time. I did watch the film version shortly around the INITIAL Scratch in February, though, and it had a massive impact on me then... so I'm not surprised that so many lines in the book keep jumping out at me, reflecting truths in my own inner life that I had long forgotten or denied.
"Charles Wallace's difference isn't physical. It's in essence..." "I guess I'll just have to accept it without understanding it..." "Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything..." "And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehendeth it not."
Stuff like that, you know. Little deep truths.
So I read until 6PM and we were able to leave... and then I realized it was pouring rain outside.
The moment I stepped outside, something inside me shifted. I swear I may never know why, but every time it rains, I cannot hide from those old and deep emotions. I walked out into the pouring water and just looked up at the sky with a look of wonder and compassion, no thoughts, nothing, just pure openness.
For the rest of the evening every single song I heard was synchronistic... with one HUGE bit as I was trying to exercise. "Call Me Call Me" came up on my iPod, a song I haven't heard in at least 2 years and usually skip. But this time, I decided to listen to it-- as two different songs with the words "Call me" in the title had jumped out at me over the past 24 hours, and that felt very specific.
Well. Not only were the lyrics relevant, but I looked up at the curtains and smiled when I realized it and thought "okay, if you want me to call you, then I will." So I sent out a loud intentional call, not expecting anything... just waiting, candidly. I felt a sort of smile in response, but unsure if it was real, then said "give me a sign" if he heard. The next instant, all I saw was GREEN.
I am dead serious. I stopped exercising and burst out laughing, smiling so widely I thought my heart would burst. When was the last time I saw his eyes? And now, out of nowhere, there was a PERFECT flash of them?
The next song that came up on my iPod was "Alone Together." Yeah, the universe is definitely telling me something.

(btw write the bit about chaos/infi energy; i adore infi but ONLY CHAOS causes that "connective" reaction, aka the taijitu thing. he 'clicks' even when I don't know who he is, but no matter how close I get to Infi he DOES NOT elicit that! several people have said this is important too)
(THE MERGE DRIVE WITH INFI IS NOT PINK!!!!!!!! THE TAR KEEPS TRYING TO HACK IT TO THAT THOUGH!!!! remember he was literally torn out of you in february of course there's going to be a merge drive with him)

In any case, THESE are the major points I've realized lately that I'm updating for:

1. Initial 'Scratch' just INITIATED it, like Bro in the comic, then finished MUCH later. Took until AUGUST to really finish? perhaps why so many 'smaller' resets, as everything broke further. Ended up with a 'NEW SESSION' now so to speak; the 'alpha' and 'beta' were COOEXISTING for a while, hence the Underground suddenly showing up and then Central practically DISAPPEARING once August happened (session switchover). Now people need to move back maybe. don't know how much sburb we should mirror in this, its fun but not mandatory.

2. IF the Spectrum needs to be rebuilt entirely now (we think so), anchors need to be NON-TRAUMATIC. the undergrounders who have not found new anchors are currently unstable, but those who have switched are gaining more abilities and strength by the day.

3. My headspace relationships NEED TO STAY COMPARTMENTALIZED!! We were having hack problems because I was trying to shove everyone on the same level and it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. My relationships with Chaos and Infi ARE NOT THE SAME AND THAT IS FINE.

4. Post-reset, we have forgotten a LOT of important truths from the past, that are STILL relevant now, surprise. I didn't realize this until I realized that we are all missing a LOT of memory, but that's all in the archives and it would probably save us a lot of struggle if we started reviewing things?

5. Last and most important bit: on the way home, I was looking at the muted colors of the evening and smiling with quiet relief and compassion, thinking how the Underground has dark colors like that, but they were such soothing shades and I needed them right now. Dark wasn't bad, just a different role. Then a car drove by with blinding white headlights and I thought "is that white light my position?" I had a moment of absolute existential surrealism and then SUDDENLY, I REALIZED SOMETHING.
What if the Black and White slots weren't working, no matter what we did, because they were being HELD wrong?
I told Laurie about this and she was so excited at the idea that she practically hugged me to death, it was great. After all SHE inspired the thought in my head-- she's the only person I've seen HOLD THE WHITE COLOR CORRECTLY, WITHOUT LOSING HER OWN VIOLET. You remember the Angel Helmet of course! So a visit to the BLC is DEFINITELY in order.
I'm thinking the Underground would hold Black and Central would hold White... OR, everyone can hold BOTH. We'll see.

That's all for now my laptop battery is about to die goodnight!!


spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
The Lightraye System

January 2014

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