spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP. 
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

sept 21

Sep. 21st, 2013 08:43 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
You know how I used to say that "it feels like the universe wants headspace to stay together," but as soon as I started ignoring headspace, that feeling went away and I'd convince myself that I had imagined it all?
I was being silly, thinking that the universe would be so fickle. How could I have forgotten how the system works? After all, if you blind yourself to something, of course you're not going to see it.

Today, I got my eyes pried open for the first time in a long while.

I woke up around 8am, feeling sick and in pain. I was also dead tired and didn't want to get up just yet, but I knew that if I tried to go back asleep, I was running an extremely high risk of being brutally hacked. However, my nausea won out and I decided to take that chance.
Sure enough, the tar-black nightmare imagery and flashbacks crept up on me quickly. I chased them off the best I could, but then I was shocked to realize that I felt someone else trying to reach me behind all that... someone I hadn't heard from in a long time.
You'll have to forgive me if this is choppy. When I'm less than half-conscious, my "brain" stops working and everything runs on emotions and honesty. No masks, no lies, no analysis... but no defenses either. So this is going into stream-of-consciousness mode, because trying to translate it into coherent text is not going to work.
Also, a warning because raw headspace is always bizarre, so this will likely seem extraordinarily weird in terms of events and things, even to me. But, as I said, it's a different sort of reality than the waking. Still just as important though.

(felt him 'reach out,' tried to tune in. immediately, beautifully clear perception of him 'floating down' to where I was, wings out, all black feathers and eyes. it felt entirely genuine, like "whoa he really is still alive," but HE didn't feel entirely right somehow. i tried to talk to him but he wasn't translating, and whenever i'd start thinking too hard i'd be phased out. so i stopped, tried to just get a feel for things. couldn't reach him well until i started falling deeper into sleep, then slipped into headspace. forget exactly how, but i found him quickly, ended up in his bubble (although it was small, dim and empty now). however he seemed half-awake too, but in a bad way, like he was unable to stay conscious. this felt tied to the "off" vibe he had, i wondered why? THEN it hit me that "dude, those hacks keep trying to happen, are they hurting him too?" because the august reset ONLY happened because they temporarily killed infi again. and he didn't seem to have recovered entirely, his anchor was unstable and it seemed like he still had tar in him. to this i got a mental response from "up there" (above central headspace, i ONLY get cryptic guidance from there; MIGHT be the system itself so to speak) saying "his body and spirit are pure, but his soul is not." asking how that was possible, it said that "something else was inside him" messing with his identity and ability to function.)
(this is where it gets REAL blurry and weird, because mind you, this is the first time in SEVERAL MONTHS that I've had a direct headspace experience, and this came out of nowhere. anyway infi essentially 'blacked out' now, i worriedly asked if i could get whatever was in him out out of him. i think the voice said yes, but it would be difficult? i asked why and it said that the thing infecting infi was physically inside him, if I had to get it out it'd have to be surgical, essentially. i didnt want to hurt him, voice said in his current state he wouldnt feel anything anyway. either way the next thing i clearly remember is mentally calling knife, loudly, it was important. he showed up, looking mad/shocked, what in the world is going on, is that infi, etc. said i needed his knife, he couldn't get in the bubble, said toss it. he hesitated but did, i caught it, immediately just followed instinct and cut a thin circle into infi's chest, then cut a T-shape into that. all very carefully. tossed the knife back to knife, i think i told him to go back but stay prepared in case something happened? regardless, i had to open up infi. working on headspace logic now. he didn't bleed-- i don't know if he can normally either-- could see ribs and organs though. hesitated because i knew i had to get past the bone. felt like the up-there voice was literally hovering over my shoulder as i did this, never felt that before. it reassured me then. so i somehow 'cut' into ribs with light, "hinged" it so i could get past sternum. his heart was still beating, i swear to god i almost died right then; you know how i am with hearts, and this is INFI for heavens sakes (i adore him if you dont know). i actually had to pause for a bit, felt like i was about to cry or burn up, voice said keep going, BUT then things get blurry again. i dont know if this was instinctual or if i was instructed to, but i then cut my own chest open down the sternum, laughing a bit as i did so-- knife had been slicing me open there in the waking, so it was almost precognitive in this sense hilariously. but i don't think my insides looked human?? either way i then formed this cord of rainbow light, linked infi's heart to mine? i think he woke up then because i swear for at least a few moments he actually held me like that (purposely), REALLY thought i was going to die from emotional overload there, BUT!! RIGHT AROUND HERE THE CRAZY IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED.)
(infi was conscious, chest still open, but something happened where there was either tar coming out of him or something else? all i know is that once it got out, IT TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL LIVING THING. it was at least 15 feet tall; looked like a spider? yellow crystal-like core, then eight or so very long, spindly black legs coming out of it. they were solid but had a tarslick look to them. i think the yellow core had an eye or something? but it SPOKE and it was TRYING TO KILL INFI and then Knife AND Laurie showed up because they sensed major trouble and they were trying to fight this thing it was insane. i remember it running through the catacombs, took up so much space, destroying things as it went. i dont remember much though sorry i was worried about infi and halfway dazed myself)
(MULBERRY SHOWED UP i have no idea when, all i remember is laurie said 'we need someone to seal it off' and knife immediately thought of mulberry, said she was all about structure and refinement (with her professionalism). i guess the energy directed towards her then helped her wake up completely (she's been groggy for about two days, no longer in coma) and she ran in, wtf is going on. SOMEONE gave her energy i think? all i remember is her holding a clear cube of white energy, dark pink core. somehow used it to 'close off' the area so we were all in a cube like that, spider couldnt damage the catacombs anymore. also suppressed it i think? it couldnt move well)
(anyway, last thing i remember, someone managed to cut the spider thing down, infi tried to eat it and convert its energy? but IMMEDIATELY knife and laurie practically screamed "SPIT IT OUT," he did (it was like liquid shadow now, shapeless) but couldnt get it all out-- so he tore it out. dead serious, he 'liquefied' to pure black substance, and REMOVED that surrounding area from his body, then reformed. in doing this he lost a wing, ended up crying pitifully from the shock of it all, i held him and told him he'd be okay. anyway the bit he spit out was just the yellow core now, kind of melted and bleeding, but i THINK it was still trying to talk? sounded like it was mostly dead though, couldnt form words. anyway laurie said seal all of it away before it reforms or something, infi put it in a tiny bubble, i think knife said he'd lock it away underground? woke up shortly after this, still connected though-- knife wanted me to do something before i totally detached, said it was important. i think infi said "keep him close" during the day, i know he wanted me to wear his bubble but honestly i forgot... i don't know if im emotionally ready for that yet)

So that was that. I don't remember anything else much from the day until 3PM, when I had to drive my grandfather to the ER as he was in severe pain again and we wanted to make sure he was okay. So I was at the hospital with him for 3 hours, re-reading A Wrinkle In Time in the waiting room, and that's when I felt some things start to click back together.
See, that was my absolute favorite book as a kid, and I haven't read it in a very long time. I did watch the film version shortly around the INITIAL Scratch in February, though, and it had a massive impact on me then... so I'm not surprised that so many lines in the book keep jumping out at me, reflecting truths in my own inner life that I had long forgotten or denied.
"Charles Wallace's difference isn't physical. It's in essence..." "I guess I'll just have to accept it without understanding it..." "Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything..." "And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehendeth it not."
Stuff like that, you know. Little deep truths.
So I read until 6PM and we were able to leave... and then I realized it was pouring rain outside.
The moment I stepped outside, something inside me shifted. I swear I may never know why, but every time it rains, I cannot hide from those old and deep emotions. I walked out into the pouring water and just looked up at the sky with a look of wonder and compassion, no thoughts, nothing, just pure openness.
For the rest of the evening every single song I heard was synchronistic... with one HUGE bit as I was trying to exercise. "Call Me Call Me" came up on my iPod, a song I haven't heard in at least 2 years and usually skip. But this time, I decided to listen to it-- as two different songs with the words "Call me" in the title had jumped out at me over the past 24 hours, and that felt very specific.
Well. Not only were the lyrics relevant, but I looked up at the curtains and smiled when I realized it and thought "okay, if you want me to call you, then I will." So I sent out a loud intentional call, not expecting anything... just waiting, candidly. I felt a sort of smile in response, but unsure if it was real, then said "give me a sign" if he heard. The next instant, all I saw was GREEN.
I am dead serious. I stopped exercising and burst out laughing, smiling so widely I thought my heart would burst. When was the last time I saw his eyes? And now, out of nowhere, there was a PERFECT flash of them?
The next song that came up on my iPod was "Alone Together." Yeah, the universe is definitely telling me something.

(btw write the bit about chaos/infi energy; i adore infi but ONLY CHAOS causes that "connective" reaction, aka the taijitu thing. he 'clicks' even when I don't know who he is, but no matter how close I get to Infi he DOES NOT elicit that! several people have said this is important too)
(THE MERGE DRIVE WITH INFI IS NOT PINK!!!!!!!! THE TAR KEEPS TRYING TO HACK IT TO THAT THOUGH!!!! remember he was literally torn out of you in february of course there's going to be a merge drive with him)

In any case, THESE are the major points I've realized lately that I'm updating for:

1. Initial 'Scratch' just INITIATED it, like Bro in the comic, then finished MUCH later. Took until AUGUST to really finish? perhaps why so many 'smaller' resets, as everything broke further. Ended up with a 'NEW SESSION' now so to speak; the 'alpha' and 'beta' were COOEXISTING for a while, hence the Underground suddenly showing up and then Central practically DISAPPEARING once August happened (session switchover). Now people need to move back maybe. don't know how much sburb we should mirror in this, its fun but not mandatory.

2. IF the Spectrum needs to be rebuilt entirely now (we think so), anchors need to be NON-TRAUMATIC. the undergrounders who have not found new anchors are currently unstable, but those who have switched are gaining more abilities and strength by the day.

3. My headspace relationships NEED TO STAY COMPARTMENTALIZED!! We were having hack problems because I was trying to shove everyone on the same level and it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. My relationships with Chaos and Infi ARE NOT THE SAME AND THAT IS FINE.

4. Post-reset, we have forgotten a LOT of important truths from the past, that are STILL relevant now, surprise. I didn't realize this until I realized that we are all missing a LOT of memory, but that's all in the archives and it would probably save us a lot of struggle if we started reviewing things?

5. Last and most important bit: on the way home, I was looking at the muted colors of the evening and smiling with quiet relief and compassion, thinking how the Underground has dark colors like that, but they were such soothing shades and I needed them right now. Dark wasn't bad, just a different role. Then a car drove by with blinding white headlights and I thought "is that white light my position?" I had a moment of absolute existential surrealism and then SUDDENLY, I REALIZED SOMETHING.
What if the Black and White slots weren't working, no matter what we did, because they were being HELD wrong?
I told Laurie about this and she was so excited at the idea that she practically hugged me to death, it was great. After all SHE inspired the thought in my head-- she's the only person I've seen HOLD THE WHITE COLOR CORRECTLY, WITHOUT LOSING HER OWN VIOLET. You remember the Angel Helmet of course! So a visit to the BLC is DEFINITELY in order.
I'm thinking the Underground would hold Black and Central would hold White... OR, everyone can hold BOTH. We'll see.

That's all for now my laptop battery is about to die goodnight!!


spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
The Lightraye System

January 2014

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