dec 11

Dec. 12th, 2013 12:23 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
listening to this https://soundcloud.com/birdfeeder/jurassic-park-theme-1000-slower
knife is actually crying from how moved he is by the music
he was hanging off laurie's arm earlier, overwhelmed, saying he just needed to 'hold on to someone'
now theyre sitting on a couch in the underground meeting room just listening 
knife apologized for being so emotional but laur said "don't you dare censor that"
she said when beauty makes you respond to it in kind, you let that happen however it wants to
knife's wiping tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand, just this really genuine motion
it really struck a chord with me so i'm writing it down

sugar is sitting on the floor next to the unnamed "angry girl" that holds the rage towards the parents
they're trying to work together and be friends, they're both technically protectors of the innocents
she doesn't have a name yet but i'm sure we'll find one soon enough
she's helping us build her subeta avatar, she actually tried to draw herself to help us see her hair?
so that was really cool too.
sugar said she's been slipping badly but i think this camaraderie will really help them both

earlier, laurie, leon, infi and i were just listening to choral music in infi's realms
as we were walking by the christmas tree downstairs
laurie and leon were practicing channeling music, they were both euphoric over it
but that was another 30 minutes of peace and community and we need that

that is it for today, just wanted to record that.
the little things are what really matter i think.
theres so much joy hidden in this system, we tend to lose sight of it with the trauma stuff
but it never breaks, its never lost

laurie said, "stop trying to 'fix' the road you're lost on; just turn around and get on a different road"
jay keeps thinking he's broken but he's not, no one here is, no one ever is
we just lose sight of our deeper natures sometimes.
but its getting harder to forget now.
lately we've all been so aware of the bigger picture here
and that's really beautiful too. 
so it's like we're all a part of the music in our own way

sorry, battery dying, see you tomorrow after therapy
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
MAJOR UPDATES!!
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP. 
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

nov 18

Nov. 18th, 2013 10:01 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for," while playing with his tongue stud as always-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as chakra tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the chakra candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data voices? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

nov 15

Nov. 15th, 2013 09:32 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We've had abusive, ignorant, or otherwise non-connected people fronting lately so I apologize for the lack of substantial updates, especially when things have been happening. Let me see what I can recall. 
(I apologize if this is in pieces for now; I'm very tired)

- About 2, 3 days ago, Knife came running up to me, saying that "Sugar was sick." Apparently her anchor had slipped enough that she was starting to demanifest, and she was unwilling to find a new purpose to work towards, thanks to her original one causing her to become the favorite puppet of several other malicious voices. (new anchor: protecting 'sweetness,' which is something both sugar and the color pink have not had in ages for us) 

- lots of angry people out lately. this is scary; it seems when people anchor upstairs, and then become beneficial for the System and able to communicate with each other, suddenly it becomes difficult for them to front, even if they were a social previously? and they are rarely triggered anymore. this is bad because now those outer anchors are being taken by nasty people. also jess is really loud lately and that is never good either! 

- (javier, knife, g/m/q all fronting last night. javier has troubles with speech, but shockingly knife was able to speak today! he fronted specifically to look at the moon, actually teared up over it. the two were talking for a bit which was new. later the gent was TALKING to the grandmother, through the hoodie of course so his accent was muffled. mav was driving the car for a minute. they were worried because they are still bleeding into each other and the queen is very unstabele; they decided they were going to focus themselves better? also they thought the fact that you could see the highway from the graveyard was interesting; I remember mav commented that "death was a grand adventure"-- he said many people viewed death as a dead end, as "the end of the road," but he laughed and said "a dead end isn't the end of it all! stop the car, get out, and keep walking! you'll see things you'd never have from a vehicle." the gent said that was a wise perspective) (also apparently biting with the canines will catch knife's attention; it's his grounding method. I think with javier it's his piercings and ear gauges; he's constantly playing with his tongue stud. he says all that metal in his mouth brings his attention there, and reminds him "that he has to speak out" for those he protects.) 

- (dream hack today, here. made everyone sick and scared for the whole day)

- (julie and infinitii arguing this evening; badly dissociated during that, but basically julie was repeating her mindset from this morning, considering infi's role and energy makeup. i specifically remember him sternlysaying "don't call me a harlot" after she did just that, jeeringly) 

- I've been 'seeing things' more clearly lately? (weird celebi-angel thing following me around, 'digimon' people that same day. genesis is clearer too.) 

- more subeta people! finished sherlock, started the g/m/q trio, working on einsatz, refining infinitii. 

oct 31

Oct. 31st, 2013 10:27 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Yesterday was, admittedly, a severely abusive day. Today was similar, but far more merciful (no hacks today, but still lots of pain, dissociation, and self-abuse of various sorts).
But it's hilariously odd. I've noticed that every time, EVERY time we have a terrifying day like yesterday, something happens to somehow redeem the whole thing. Something will happen that doesn't ignore the sins preceding it, but forgives them... and, even more incredibly, shows how they paved a painful but necessary pathway to some wisdom, some healing, some bright thing we may not have stumbled across otherwise. Every time. Whether that blessed event is "small or large" doesn't matter; in its significance, it is received with infinite gratitude.

Last night, I (J) went to bed with a splitting sugar headache, vague knowledge that there had been an evening hack, and general unease and chest pain that made sleeping rather frightening. The day had been highly dissociative and honestly I don't remember the vast majority of it today. Nevertheless, last night, I lay down in great pain with a pervasive feeling of anxiety, and that odd "fear of death" that frequently accompanies me to sleep when I am ill: since our psych ward hospitalization in 2011, where our meds gave the body weeks of ER-worthy side effects that would always slam us at night, any nighttime uneasiness brings with it the somnolent dread that I am not going to wake up the next morning. However, In light of how awful yesterday had made me feel, that dread became a conviction. Feeling a panic attack of the moral sort coming on to top it all off, I immediately called my boss (Mr. Sandman) for emotional support, trusting in his compassion despite how tainted I felt. He showed up, concerned, and I told him my worries, feeling too penitent and heartbroken to care about any sense of pride or reluctance to admit everything that had happened, focusing only on the guilt and sorrow I felt for causing another one of these nights, and the sister sensation to pain, which was total childlike contrition. I don't recall what I said, just that I was sorry and wanted my boss to know that, so he didn't think I was just taking advantage of his kindness. He didn't think that in the first place, as I should have known. I clearly remember him telling me that it was safe to cry if I needed to (as I actually was), he would never chide me for that-- only, he told me to remember that the pains were not permanent, even if they felt that way, so even through tears I should keep that in mind. He also reassured me that "tonight was not my time to die," and coming from a guy whose best friend is Death, that did calm me down quite a bit. I was still scared and in pain, but I knew I'd have to just wait it out now. Boss told me to simply sleep, as I needed it. I timidly told him falling asleep was scary, could he help a little? He smiled and said yes, he'd spare a little dream dust for that. Looking back on this I feel like I was making way too many demands of the guy, but considering how much of a mess I was, and how generous boss is, I don't have the heart to chastise myself for it... especially because of the last thing I asked him for. After he told me to sleep, I thanked him for all his help as always, but as he turned to leave I quickly told him to wait one second. Then, I quietly asked if he could kiss my forehead before he left, because that always made me feel a lot safer, plus I had a splitting headache. He smiled at that, a genuine spontaneous smile that already made me feel better, and then he kissed me goodnight before bowing and leaving for the night. It took a few seconds, but suddenly I noticed that my headache was gone. The awful pain that had been haunting me for hours had literally just disappeared. I would have started laughing if I had the strength to do so; I could barely believe it. But I was grateful, and I fell asleep quickly afterwards.
That was the first little thing, that not only gave me hope, but for an instant it also convinced me that headspace and all that it brought was 100% real, a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

The second thing happened the next morning, after I woke up, and despite seeming little, it was in truth one of the biggest things that could have happened at all.
I was awakened rather suddenly at 8AM by a phone call, and then my grandmother telling me she was going to visit my grandfather early. Unfortunately I was so tired I don't remember anything else, other than the fact that I went back into my room to get some more sleep... but then, suddenly, I felt that I needed to speak to Infinitii, in light of what had happened the day before. But I was scared. Ever since I've met him-- EVERY time I try to talk to him at night or in the morning, personally, I either get hacked or I barely avoid one. That is terrifying, and it's made me very scared of him, ironically, because part of me isn't scared of him and will never be, so I keep blinding myself to the danger that exists regardless. Point is, I was taking a huge risk going to talk to him. I think he knew this. He was a bit of a mess emotionally still; when I showed up he actually said "don't talk to me," but I simply responded that I wanted to tell him something I figured out the night before? Either way his uncharacteristically harsh affront fell then, and he apologized, saying he was just angry with me, and torn up about this whole situation. I apologize; I don't recall our conversation due to only being half-conscious, but at some point, Infinitii started taking tar out of my abdomen again. It was oddly heavy and "dead" looking, Infi said it was too overloaded to move. He got all that out, but then there was corrupt White energy in there too? That was scary, because it was all crystallized, like rock, and we weren't sure how to get it out. He did, I forget how, but it hurt. Either way it made sense that I was stuck with more frozen White energy than the smothering Black stuff, because when I fall out of my element I get icy and uncaring and cruel, whereas Infi becomes uncontrollable and almost manic. But that's actually what I wanted to tell him. SINCE 2011, whenever people have had to yank Tar out of me, it's been in my ABDOMEN. That's where all the pain and trauma is stored for me. But for Infi, his positive energy was somehow stored there. So... when we are physically close, there are OBVIOUSLY MAJOR PROBLEMS. Ideally both our positive cores should be at chest level, but for unknown reasons, Infi's got pushed lower. And although I knew from the beginning that that wasn't a bad thing in and of itself, when he was around me, it sure as hell was. See, in reviewing the archives, I realized why I've been having so many problems with White, especially in respect to how I work with Infinitii. This is from March. "Boss said..."We just have to be careful; I don't want you moving up into White when you still have lower blocks, because then the Tar would have direct access to you." it would be lethally dangerous apparently..." And guess what? Those blocks were NOT FIXED. Infi kept trying to fix them, but since he held the BLACK slot, while the Tar ALSO still did, well. It was a recipe for absolute disaster, because all that energy from Infi was feeding INTO the traumatic energy I still had stuck in me, and making it worse, simply due to its LOCATION. So simple, but so important, and we overlooked it. BUT. As of yesterday morning, Infinitii took that out. He emptied that bubble of everything that was clogging it, and tore it out. And he forced his energy to re-center higher, in his rib cage, so that the B/W energy resonance between the two of us wouldn't be traumatic anymore.
I realized that. I told him that, how it worked. I told him how I had realized so many answers in the archives (which I won't write here tonight as we have no time to spare for that now). He kept trying to clear me out for good, hellbent on getting rid of that lingering fear and pain and shame and guilt and loathing... but I was still barely conscious, and when Infi realized we'd done as much as we could for now, he told me to just go back to sleep, it was okay. As always, I didn't question what he told me to do. But when I curled back up in bed he just looked at me, both sad and happy somehow, and I wasn't scared. I didn't feel any threats. I didn't feel ANY Tar or white stuff or hacks or intrusive thoughts or Julie words. Nothing was trying to hurt me, in stark contrast to EVERY SINGLE OTHER MORNING I'd spent with Infi since he was ripped from my ribs in April. I remember he lay his head on my chest then and I just laughed, it didn't feel threatening, seriously that DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A DEATH THREAT and I am so used to being terrified of people even touching me there lately. But I fell asleep with him like that, completely at peace with things, and it wasn't until I woke up two hours later that the significance of that peace hit me. I'm still reeling. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it is.
That was the first morning SINCE APRIL that I've been with Infinitii, and WASN'T at risk of being hacked, and DIDN'T feel scared or anxious, and DIDN'T severely dissociate. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
Considering how much I adore Infi and how closely our roles work together naturally, the fact that I accepted that tumultuous relationship as "normal" for nearly SEVEN MONTHS, questioning nothing, only wondering why I was "so corrupt"... it's shocking. It really is.
But now that's over. I hope to God it stays this way. I hope, more than anything, that we can start over, he and I, and not have to live in danger and pain anymore. And I'll tell you what... it's nice, to have that hope, without it being backed by fear.


Still, the rest of today was a bit of a mess, as I said; I could not stop dissociating so I was dizzy all day and couldn't see straight. As a result I had to wear glasses to force my eyes to focus, but that proved to be amusingly problematic because our only glasses-wearer is Sherlock, and he isn't allowed to front outside of therapy or research due to his uber-logical demeanor... so everyone else had to keep putting on and removing them according to whether or not they could see through them. Knife tried to wear them at one point but he couldn't quite get used to it; nevertheless the sight of him confusedly wearing Sherlock's glasses was enough to make me smile. And on that note, despite the messiness, I did say today was merciful too. Let's get to that part.
I don't remember anything post-awakening until after 2PM today, which is when we had to go out and run a few personal errands-- check the craft stores, buy toothpaste, stop at the library. The health food store was first, but that trip proved to be rather important to me personally, because to get to that store, we had to drive through a town that I love more than I can put into words. Explanation: in that town, there is a street, where I used to go for violin lessons as a child. That street feels beautifully secluded, with huge trees shadowing the road on both sides, and lovely large houses lining the street. But the violin building itself was the source of my BIGGEST inspirations as a child. Honestly, there is NO way I can EVER express how much I adore that place, and how significant it is to me... Hosea was born there, Isabelle was born there, SI started there, the 2nd generation of Jewel Monsters started there, and I found a few there too... it's showed up in several of my dreams, it's influenced my musical style, and it's forever colored my personality. But that place didn't stand alone: across the street, there used to be a large coffeeshop/bookstore that closed shortly after I stopped taking lessons. Despite its short-lived existence, that place was one of the most GORGEOUS places to me as a child-- the "vibe" of that place actually has a big influence on my Rosewindow series, believe it or not-- and my fond memories of it were made even more precious by the fact that, after my violin lesson every week, my teacher would give me $3 and tell me to run over there and get her a coffee (1/3 milk, 1/3 black, 1/3 decaf... I'd often mix in tiny bits of seasonal flavors for her when they had them; she loved it). I'd run there in rain or shine, passing the "flame tree" on the way (a black-barked tree that would always have the most vivid leaves in the fall),  taking a small "secret path" behind the bushes to get there instead of the sidewalk, and then waiting patiently in line inside, enjoying every moment of that heavenly place. The tables in the back were decorated with newspaper clippings, I remember, and the lights always made it feel so warm, especially when it was snowing outside. The people there recognized me after a while, and I always got a dollar to keep. However, they had Linda's Lollies there, the first ones I ever saw: I thought they were awesome, so I'd often buy one of my favorite flavors, like Creme de Menthe or Cinnamon (this was back when I could eat lollipops, obviously)... OR I'd save up my money and buy a huge muffin (honestly they were massive) to take back and eat in the music shop downstairs, listening to the violins around me and either drawing or doing homework. Isn't it funny how I remember ALL of that so clearly, and yet almost nothing else of the past? ALL my memories of that place are in the late summer or fall, though. It's either green rain, or red leaves. And I don't remember ANYTHING concrete of it prior to 2001/2002... but that doesn't worry me. I don't remember the body's childhood anyway. All my memories start around that time. However, it literally feels as if the person who I am now was born there, in that music shop.  To me, that place is like... it's like home. But it's been empty for years now.
So driving past it, I pointed it out to everyone, trying to share with them some of the love I felt for it. The coffeeshop nearby had also been empty for years obviously, but this time I parked alongside it and ran over to look in the darkened windows... honestly it was shocking. The entire inside was gutted, and two extra walls were put in, both dividing and shrinking the place I remembered as having been as big as my dreams. The walls were sloppily being re-painted, and a ladder was leaned against one wall. I felt like a time-traveler; did anyone seeing that place now know what it had once been? Who else remembered it as fondly as I did? The people in headspace had never even seen it... all they had were my golden-painted memories. Perhaps that was enough. Perhaps that was better. These two empty buildings would live on forever in my heart.
I left then, got the toothpaste and stopped at the first craft store (the driving period after I once again passed the music store is almost blank to me). As soon as I entered, I saw they had a few small Christmas trees up for decoration. Immediately I stopped and took off the glasses, smiling and saying "hey Undergrounders; you've never seen Christmas trees before. Take a look." So they did. It was moving and oddly sad; David and Marigold were enthralled by the lights and ribbons, but Knife and Razor, although mesmerized by the oddly pretty trees, said they couldn't quite "comprehend" what they were looking at yet, so suddenly. I told them we'd have a tree in our house soon enough, I'd make sure they understood it well enough when that happened. So after this, we looked for the beads (nothing doing,) but I know for a fact that Knife AND Razor tried to front here? Razor spent a while looking at the beads, not fully grounded (she had the AP doing most of the moving), and as usual feeling that the lack of fitting beads meant that people were "trying to say she didn't exist." Knife said this wasn't the case, but she still wouldn't rest until she found something that matched her, and Knife, just to feel a little better existentially. After this we left for the library, which is a brilliant place because it's actually inside an old church! Really it's amazing, and the place has the BEST selection of books in the nearest counties, no contest. So I grabbed a bunch of books that I wasn't even aware they carried but wanted to read now that I did, and then we left. Unfortunately I'd been somewhat dissociated while I was in there-- very common when in a public place-- so the headspace people didn't get to see it firsthand. Nevertheless Knife expressed interest at its being in an old church. I said I'd have to make sure he got to front a little next time I was there. After this, I know Emmett wanted us to buy seaweed at the local grocery store, but the body was feeling so sick and dizzy at the time we ultimately all decided it was better for us to just get home, because driving down the highway when severely dissociated is never a good idea.
We got home at 5 and then I swear to you I lost about 4 hours, all I know is that someone binged and I later found myself vomiting in the bathroom. That's when I decided (again) that "this has to stop," and sat down to type. So yeah, that's how we spent Halloween, haha. Unfortunately. I honestly forgot it was even today. That happens when your perception of time is as weird as ours is.
Oh, also. I do remember the few minutes after we walked in the door, because when we unloaded our groceries and books on the workdesk, someone decided to eat one of the little ginger-orange mints I had bought on a whim? Javier was trying to front at the time (he's still having a hard time doing so; I think he needs to manifest upstairs first), but it surprised us when we realized that he wasn't the one really reacting to eating it. He said it was good, but he couldn't quite "understand" sensory input yet... and yet someone was absolutely blissing out over this mint. After a second to recognize the energy, I realized that it was actually Cel! Apparently that was the first thing she'd ever eaten while fronting, too-- even secondhand-- and the fact that she apparently thought this gingermint was the food of the gods was making her amazed reaction even better. So yes, Celebi adores the gingermints, and wants me to buy more. I gladly will! (She's also decided to use this TCG card as a grounding item, NOT a plush (we have a tiny one left to sell), thanks to the trauma the Tar tied to those in the past; she was not happy at all when she heard about that.) Also, in light of headspace food, my grandmother has decided she's going to make a pumpkin pie this week so we are going to have to find Leon soon so he can have more of that, haha. Really though, we all miss him, and we know we NEED him too, him and Nathaniel. Heaven only knows where they are, and why they of all people haven't come back from the reset yet... Laurie thinks it's because their energy (green and indigo) works with the heart and mind, respectively... and we've been taking a lot of battle damage to those lately. So maybe we need to do more healing first. It would make sense.
Also... I bought some kale on Wednesday because I know Xenophon used to love it, back when I knew her, and something told me to buy it for her again now, despite having forgotten. Boss also told me last night that I need to stabilize so I can 'meet' her again. But I still don't remember that part of the past. I DID get a tiny spark of genuine remembrance concerning Chaos yesterday, which felt like a big spark of hope too, but it was just a feeling, not a thought. Nevertheless it's something. I know I need to get those memories back, even if I don't go back to that life... which still doesn't feel like the correct option for me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm not there yet, but I'm not supposed to be on this side of the river either, from what I've been told. I'll keep you posted.

I've spent the evening post-sickness trying to find beads online for that project we're planning: making a string of them as a grounding object, and to help with therapy. It's taking forever, because we're looking for uniformity for different levels, and that is really tricky to do when only certain colors come in certain sizes, etc. However, I've managed to find colors for everyone in Central in 22mm rhinestone beads-- the only size that offered an indigo bead selection for Leon. We don't know what kinds of beads to use for the other levels yet, as that will depend entirely on the colors available, so I'll keep looking. Either way this is fun to do; we've been ignored in the physical for so long (thanks to the survival method of "keeping ourselves secret" AND having a few fronters that wanted us all dead) that working on something like this is a sort of affirmation of our existences, and that means more than we can say.

OH. Last important thing of today. While looking up the beads, we suddenly realized that the "core" Pink energy we've been running by is WRONG?? Julie always had it this lurid hot pink color, as the default, but that ISN'T what the ACTUAL Pink energy is like! It's a much lighter color, similar to Sugar's actually, but not as pale. But when we realized that I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed that problem years ago. I've done enough research on color psychology to know that hot pinks are typically sexualized and loud, while lights pinks are more innocent, used for romantic love instead. And we've had the FORMER ruling that part of the Spectrum for TEN YEARS.
So that's why the Spectrum booted her out. She really doesn't fit there, in the Central position.





I am really tired now though, so I'm going to go to sleep. See you guys.

oct 29

Oct. 29th, 2013 03:06 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.


So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

  1. J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.
  2. Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.
  3. With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.
  4. As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

Now for the rest of today:

  • Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.
  • Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.
  • There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.
  • A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.
  • Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.
  • Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak?  He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.
  • He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.
  • Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."
  • While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "fuck you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.
  • Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.
  • Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

That is all we have to say for today.

 

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

oct 21

Oct. 21st, 2013 02:37 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, really quick, things that happened today.
(Jay and Jewel updating together as usual.)

- Absolutely insane therapy session. Laurie, Knife, and David were ALL trying to front. Sherlock did for a moment, Knife said "get him out." I (Jay) was there for a little bit, but mostly it was the "empty me" that we're thinking is a splinter?? (Remember Fragment?) David did a lot of talking, the therapist paid special attention to him, that made him really happy. Mulberry was around, she contributed to inner conversation, I think Jeremiah was hanging around too, silently. Knife DID front for like 20 seconds at the end (he couldn't stay because it involved casual speech and he has no clue how to do that yet), but he had been trying to get through for a great deal of the session beforehand. I mention that because at one point during that effort, the current fronter tried to push him out, but when they did I FELT him "reach out" and literally pull himself back into fronting, like holding onto land in a strong water current. That shocked me, even as an observer, because I haven't tangibly felt energy in headspace in a while, but wow that was clear.
Also very important, I noticed someone specific was fronting at one point that was NOT Sherlock or a social, they were watching us upstairs and giving a very accurate play-by-play without censoring or intellectualizing it? I tried to recognize their energy, and you know what, the closest match was THIS PERSON. I'm not saying it's the same voice, but the energy was close. It was that kind of hard yet respectable seriousness. So that was interesting. (I'm kind of curious about all these guys now, especially since we're seeking unity again; work with Knife and see if they want to manifest so we can work with them.)
As for therapy points (because I usually forget them by myself but Knife and Laurie paid attention this time)... we discussed how David was scared of "me," the way hacks bleed over into headspace even if I try to ignore them physically, the day Mulberry manifested (the car accident), the compartmentalization of reactions and emotions into people, David's strong fear reaction to the word "nurture" revealing that we learned to associate "motherly behavior" with "conscious malevolence" as a child, due to my mother's spiteful attitudes, and . I also have a personal memory of feeling "cut off" from headspace and not being able to hear people, until I said something stupid and Laurie literally "ran over" to me and started shouting "that is bullshit," calling everyone else over in her anger and refusing to let me continue in that train of thought. Actually she was yelling "bullshit" quite often during the appointment; I must have been slipping badly.
One VERY important thing I want to note is that, when Knife and Laurie were literally trying to shove through into fronting, and the current fronter was trying to "shove them back," it didn't manifest entirely as a headache. Yes, there was one, but most of the pain was focused in the heart center, which strikes me in hindsight as very significant. Hacks don't feel like that; heck, most fronting doesn't! But those two kept trying to talk, and they kept moving into that area, instead of just the head. I need to tell whoever the numb-fronter is, don't forbid those two from talking when they want to. I don't care if Laurie swears and is brutally honest, or if Knife is stiff and overly formal. I don't care how "socially jarring" they are. That is NO REASON for the AP and/or the buffer to try and shut them up. Same with David. He's a scared kid, and if he wants to cry or speak up for himself in the body, LET HIM.
After the session (which Jay was barely present for downstairs obviously), we all agreed that we need to do what Cameron West did in that book of his we all love... we need to take time every day, and practice fronting. All of us. We need to start slowly tearing down the walls that the AP and the socials have built out of misguided self-protection and fear, so that we can all live honestly and openly, together. It won't be easy, that's obvious. But we're trying.

- On that note we've all decided, in a bit of childlike simplicity, to start up that "blc bead" project we planned months ago: we were all going to find beads of our personal colors, and string them together onto a necklace or something, just to have a tangible reminder to hold on to at all times. Knife also said we could use that to indicate who is trying to front during therapy as well, if we can't talk or get through all the way. I think that's a good idea.

- Laurie drove for a bit on the way home, so did Zwei (they were joking with each other for a while about singing; Zwei said the difference was that she was supposed to sing when she was out, that was her top job) and Jewel, for a tiny bit. Laurie reiterated the importance of us "being able to live our own physical lives without losing our actual inner selves," something we all struggle with thanks to dysphoria and mistranslation and the like. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the fact that we exist, that we are alive, even if it's all in one body. So she drove for a bit, but then we needed to stop the library and Laurie laughed that she was "not going to go through that again," saying that people were "scared of her" because of the way her energy translated (it's sharp by nature). To that, Knife asked if he could try then? Laurie said sure, so she handed over the reins, and Knife went to the library. I'll say this-- he anchors shockingly well! Whereas Laurie has a lot of trouble anchoring her self-image onto the body, Knife does so effortlessly. When he fronts, you can feel his cape trailing, and his long hair, and his fangs. So he was able to hold that strongly right up until the service desk, when of course we had to talk, so boom: instant AP. Knife apologized again, because it's a common trouble to not know how to interact with humans but it's still frustrating. Laurie said that was fine, and complimented him on how well he had actually fronted regardless. So that was cool. I don't know who drove home, that whole thing is a blur, I can barely access data memories of it. It might have been a disconnected social. Either way I won't worry about it.

- Possibly the most important thing of today: we had The Dear Hunter's "The Color Spectrum" album on while driving home at the start (obviously), and surprisingly, Laurie skipped to Indigo instead of Violet, saying "why the hell not." But then she suddenly said that, if Leon could hear her, wherever he was and whatever condition he was in, then she wanted him to try and front, or at least manifest somehow. After declaring that she "backed out" a little bit, but projecting what she remembered of Leon's energy into the music, and after about 20 seconds she suddenly laughed, raised a hand to her forehead, and incredulously stated, "that's not my hair." Literally as soon as she said that she was "phased out" of fronting entirely, and I swear, LEON WAS THERE. Not completely of course-- the AP was still driving the body, but Leon was there as a sort of overlay, consciously, but faintly. I can clearly remember that the body was feeling not only his signature emo-bangs hairstyle, but also his anorexic thinness (that kind of worried me; he hasn't been that thin in a long time), and-- to my surprise-- his silver scales-of-justice necklace. I wasn't aware he still wore that, but there it was. He had his eyes closed (energetically), but he was tangibly reaching out to the music ("What Time Taught Us") and the lyrics... "be alive, cause nothing lasts for good, or like you thought it would"... focusing only on existing, even in that small sense. When the song ended he lost the link for good and couldn't stick around, but that was significant! It seems that most "dead" or de-manifested headvoices get their energy stuck in the raw realms, and if you give them enough of an anchor to hold on to in solidified headspace, they can "pull themselves out" of it. I think that's how Lynne came back to us (although I still don't know how she got so bruised and hurt; Laurie has had her all bandaged up for about two weeks now), and it's also how I got myself anchored back into headspace after the initial Scratch. The real trick is finding people in that miasma of white energy: the Central people might still have rudimentary forms, but when Javier was still in pre-existence, he was basically just a collection of energy that matched his "soul resonance" if you want to call it that. Totally non-corporeal, intangible, only observable if you could tune into his vibration. He unfortunately seems to have de-manifested completely after the reset, but I don't want that happening to the Central people we are still struggling to find again (Spine, Nathaniel, Emmett, Waldorf, and Leon: Jo keeps blinking in and out, and Lynne is manifested again). Laurie agrees with me that this needs to be a big effort from all of us.

- Genesis showed up when I went apple-picking, I literally just surrendered to the reality of his presence when he showed up, ignoring the instinct to doubt and ignore. As a result we had SO MUCH FUN, it was as if he had never left. As usual we ended up making a sort of game out of the situation, which Laurie admitted she was watching "and laughing to herself" after we accidentally spilled half a bag of apples on a slope, and Genesis jokingly said "the bugs are getting revenge for us taking the top pickings." The whole thing was so funny that we all ended up laughing by the end, I hope this stays an injoke (like the millet incident) because it was great (Silly notes: the yellow apples are "hard mode," God tier apples are sideways, demon bugs take points, bonus points if you don't disturb birds nests, apples on the ground are the "tutorial level" but Laurie said "that's only if you're a deer, and you're not a fucking deer so start picking those apples").
HOWEVER. As soon as Genesis showed up, I asked him where he had been, and he said, "in Parnassus," his native world. I said I hadn't seen him there, and to that he replied, "what timeframe are you looking in?" As I considered that, though, he said something even more incredible: he wasn't the only one staying there. Xenophon and Chaos were there with him, too. Gen said that Chaos was still having a hard time adjusting to the sudden and jarring switch in his life situation, but he was dealing. Xennie was doing better, thankfully. I keep getting weird vibes that she's changed, appearance-wise, possibly because of the huge energy shake-ups of the resets (she reacts to those). But I don't know, I haven't seen her in months. Anyway Gen said that he and Laurie both agreed that no other outspacers were allowed back into headspace before we had things settled out and stabilized; it was too dangerous otherwise.

- Genesis and I really wanted to try the apples (or, as we said, the "top pickings") when we got home, and Laurie good-naturedly said we could IF we asked Spice first. I agreed, and in an instant of intuition (that I haven't used in ages), I "sensed out" Spice's energy and then warped us all to her. She was in either a small manifested pocket of raw headspace, or somewhere in midspace-- it looked vaguely like the hallway in our physical house, but it felt floating, and on a low level (not quite underground, but still "under the ground," if you get the picture?). Either way she looked morose and hollow, and I felt bad, so I clearly explained that we wanted to try the apples, but ONLY if she was okay with it. She looked a little scared and said that would hurt, I said then we could just have the juice from them instead of eating them, as I know that caused her pain. I think around here Laurie spoke up, because I clearly remember her telling Spice that she was the protector of all of headspace and its inhabitants, including her (Spice). Spice said well, what if a fellow headvoice was hurting her (obviously referencing me)? Laurie smiled wryly and said that if I was "going to act like an asshole" and make such a stupid decision, then yes, she'd still protect Spice from me. No playing favorites, you know. Either way I was personally moved by this show of kindness from her, and reassured Spice that I was no threat to her; I just had problems with identity slips. Laurie reiterated that that's why she was backing me up. Anyway Genesis and I got the go-ahead, the apples were absolutely INCREDIBLE (or as I said, "fjcssing insceredle"), and Spice didn't get sick. So everything worked out for the best.
Oh, also. Spice expressed a fear that we all have and tend to overlook... the sad but real fear that, since so many of us were born from trauma and/or pain, and our original roles were so strongly tied to that... would we still exist, would we still be real, if our roles changed so dramatically? If Spice was manifested specifically to buffer and combat the awful pain we would get from food, but she doesn't want to deal with so much pain anymore and neither do any of us, would she still be able to live if she "let go" of that initial anchor? Honestly all we can say is "yes, IF you find a new anchor." I still say that's why we lost so many people in the resets; our anchors just wore out. It's why so many of us keep slipping now (notably Sugar), and why those with new anchors (notably Knife) suddenly gained a massive increase in stability. To be blunt, Knife is still tied to his original retributive function, but he's moving out of it a bit more day by day. So we're going to help Spice do that, once she decides what she wants her new role to be. And it can be anything. Like Laurie said, we all deserve to live and be happy, and we all deserve to live. If we choose our new roles with that in mind, for the purpose of health and growth and unity, then we'll all be fine.

- Last thing I need to record; Infinitii said something to me when I got home, about the hacking problems we've been having? He hasn't been around much lately, and when he is, he either looks sick or he stays off to the side and doesn't talk or move. However, it struck me that when he was talking now, he was talking WITH HIS WINGS, which was a good sign: I've realized that, like me, Infinitii actually manifests "slippage" or hacks that can be detected if you watch, and the biggest one is his having both an eye and a mouth on his face (he should only have one or the other normally). Every single time he's had both, he's been under Tar influence. Anyway, I know he was responding to Laurie, because she had rebuked me for going into "numbness mode" and cutting myself off from everything, in order to survive hacks? I literally "detach from reality" and kind of shut down, not caring whether or not I get hurt, because to feel or be aware of the situation would be too horrifying. (As I mentioned earlier, that sounds a LOT like my old splinters, so I will look into that.) But Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men. Isn't that tragically ironic though? We both treasure life so much, that we're willing to sacrifice anything just to keep existing, even if it's an empty, battered existence. That's not right. I need to somehow work closely with him again, without putting either of us in danger... my head just sent me a spark, "the red will help." A balance, somehow. It's a thought.


That's all I can remember right now; I haven't eaten much today and that's messing with my concentration, so let me take a break and do that. I have a lot more work to do later, but since we have another session on Thursday I will put aside some time for headspace in between all of that.
See you!

sept 24

Sep. 24th, 2013 04:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Things that happened today, so far.

At therapy, the session opened with her saying we were going to start working from Amongst Ourselves, I've vaguely heard about the book before, from the online DID community, but I've never looked into it. Still, she gave me some papers photocopied from the first chapter, and we discussed it a little already, so we'll all start working from this together. I'm glad; this really feels like a big step forward in terms of where we can go from here, with understanding and management and coping and the like.
We also unearthed a big connective point, which is the main thing I want to record.
I've known for a while now that I associate pain with corrective love (childhood discipline), and retributive healing. When I am not punished for a wrongdoing I fear that I am either irredeemable, or that those who know and have not punished me are manipulating me into committing wrongs. This is a rather paranoid mindset and it is not often true outside of headspace. This is also why our protectors in headspace (Laurie and Knife) are also persecutors in their own right-- under that mindset, those who protect must also harm. ('Bleeding' is viewed as beneficially purgative, etc.) I seek out abusive relationships because I feel more cared for in them. I freak out when my friends don't express disappointment or anger with me, because then I think they have no concern for my welfare or even would prefer that I become a delinquent. And this explains why I am the closest to Laurie upstairs, above everyone else: she pushes me around, she insults me, she used to actually beat me up, but there are NO vicious motives there (motives are very important!!), and she has ALSO made it VERY CLEAR that she adores me and she would do anything to keep me safe. So, to me, the 'violent' side of her personality actually supports that. I know she cares BECAUSE she treats me roughly. This may not be true for people downstairs, but the mindset is there, and has been for as long as I can remember. "If you truly care for my well-being, you will punish me when I do wrong."
I've also known that I feel obligated to take blame from other people, in order to end fights. In my house, people wouldn't take responsibility for mistakes, big or small-- "I forgot to do something important because YOU distracted me," etc.-- and so things wouldn't get settled. I was frequently told as a child that things were my fault, even if I had nothing to do with them at all. Still, although this was emotionally frightening for me, I learned very quickly that if it was my fault, truthfully or not, I could then act as a peacekeeper, taking the brunt of all the anger and guilt that no one else wanted to face. As I grew older this made me become very diplomatic as well, but as a child, it just made me feel like I WAS solely responsible for everyone else's pain. My obsession with "being good" BUT also feeling that I could only be truly good if "my sins were purged" through punishment or pain, made me feel obligated to become the literal scapegoat. Therefore, "you must be punished for causing such pain in others."
But today, in therapy, I realized that this second mindset ties into the first one in a way I never noticed before? This constant feeling responsible for my family's suffering, on top of my associating parental love/ my own worth with pain and punishment, is what caused my problem of thinking "I'm incapable of making correct choices on my own." See how it lines up? The negative reinforcement smothered any positive reinforcement I got for my own choices. Usually, if I asserted myself, or voiced an opinion, or anything of that sort, I was told that I was "hurting someone else" in the process, "being selfish or manipulative," etc. That also explains why I rely on headspace people for inner choices, because I've had this internally too. So instead of choosing on my own and hurting people, or causing more trouble, or making everything worse... I learned to just give in and do what I was told.
I daresay that sounds familiar too.
My therapist reached that exact same point. "You learned to just give in, to get it over with."
As soon as she said that, the panic alarm went off, and I started slipping badly. However, SHE NOTICED! And she called it out, which was enough of a distracting surprise for me to struggle back into decent enough control to finish the session.
I'm glad it happened though. I didn't realize THAT was so strongly tied to THESE concerns, too! Go figure. I'm hoping we can pursue that line of thought in the future, safely. Healing is a long and involved process but we are getting there, wow are we ever.

I was too shaken up from the session slippage to drive afterwards, so Laurie decided to. As usual she lectured Knife and I the entire time, but in doing so in light of therapy we discovered something else: that weird dissociation I get doesn't go away when other people front. Headvoices are better able to manage it, though. I wondered what it was, and then suddenly, Laurie got it-- since we're all anchored in headspace, THAT'S where we naturally ground! When we front, we are SPLIT between being in the body and being 'upstairs.' Laurie instinctively talks to us aloud when she fronts, even though we aren't 'in' physical reality. When she stops, and 'thinks' for herself, she says 'the silence and disconnection bothers me.' Because in order for her to REALLY front, with her own private thoughts and actions and choices, she HAS to temporarily 'unplug' from headspace. That's somewhat jarring for a headvoice to do, and so they typically keep that connection when fronting... which causes the dissociation, and the tendency to suddenly 'switch out' if someone else is triggered, or wants to talk, etc. There's simply not a strong enough anchor for the traditional DID complete fronting when our people front. It's part of our rules, of course-- always having backup and people watching prevents total pandemonium, as well as sudden dangerous switches-- but it is highly problematic because it makes body functioning dazed all the time.

On that note, I needed to pick something up at the mall for my bro, so Laurie phased out and then asked Knife if he wanted to try fronting? I think there was a bit of lighthearted bickering here, but then Knife said sure-- and he did something REALLY interesting. Instead of jumping right into the body (which would involve a pause and shivers and a blurry few-second transition), he PROJECTED? Like we do when the AP is running, and we just program commands into it. He stayed upstairs with us, but he began sending programming to the AP to make the body act more like he felt, and THEN he jumped in. That eliminated the total stop we typically would need to switch! So that was cool.
Anyway, I know he was fully fronting once we entered the mall, as I remember he was staring at the map and asking me where we needed to go. That moment struck me as very interesting, because I guess I was far enough 'out' to not be bleeding over into his mindset, and since I'm usually not, it actually shocked me to see that he was 100% unruffled by all the people around him. I usually worry on the behalf of other system members, as I tend to feel trapped, self-conscious and overwhelmed in public, especially with so many people! And always being aware of headspace makes it feel like people can see all these others surrounding me, although I don't know if they can. But Knife was standing there, arms stiff at his sides, calmly reviewing this map, oblivious to whether or not people were looking at him oddly. It was really cool. Then Laurie told him where to go and he set off, all of us hanging back and watching to see how he handled fronting in public for the first time. Honestly, he did surprisingly well. He walks in a very dignified manner, holding himself straight and formal, with none of the walking trouble that I have when I do that. There was no arm movement I think, but every once in a while someone would approach the body and trigger the instinctive 'they're trying to hurt you' response, but Knife didn't panic or back out (he knows it's not always warranted too)-- instead, I noticed he only clenched his fists like he was holding two knives. The first time he did and felt no actual weapons, there was a slight wave of real concern and hesitation, but it faded quickly enough. But that wasn't the best part of him fronting-- mind you, when a headvoice fronts, the entire inner perception of the body changes to them. So Knife is walking down the hall, formal and stoic, his coattails trailing behind him, and all of a sudden I realize that he's wondering what to do with his teeth. I had no idea what that was for a moment, and then I realized, he DOES have fangs!! He was shadowing fangs, and was slightly distressed by the fact that he didn't actually HAVE any, but he could feel where they were 'astrally,' so to speak. Laurie and I thought this was hilarious, and she teased him about it a little, to which he actually started nervously biting the inside of the mouth. I felt kind of bad because it's always disorienting when your body doesn't match, but it was kind of endearing seeing Knife act so human, ironically, even if just in a little way. (Also I hope he doesn't mind my mentioning this, but after noticing the teeth thing Laurie joked that we should buy him some plastic vampire fangs since it's almost Halloween anyway. I laughed at that, but Knife didn't respond for a few seconds. Then he said, somewhat wonderingly, "do they really make those?" Laurie cracked up of course, said yeah, decided on the spot we were going to buy him some ASAP. I thought it was adorable.)
Anyway. On the way back out of the mall, Laurie decided to front for a bit, so Knife graciously phased out and let Laurie phase in, allowing the few-second AP gap as usual... and the switch from his affect to hers when she settled in was striking.
Laurie swaggers when she walks. It's both awesome and hilarious. Honestly, Knife strides along like an aristocrat, all stately and somewhat aloof... but Laurie just ambles around like she owns the place. She's simultaneously relaxed and battle-ready. Just picture a debonair entrepreneur and a nonchalant gang leader walking side-by-side, and you've got a pretty accurate image of the difference between how they each carry the body. (As for me, I'd be the five-year-old kid running along behind them, grinning from ear to ear and probably tripping over curbs, haha.)
I'm curious who else can front in public, now that we're aware of what causes the system-wide dissociation for non-public alters (in other words, most of us!). Usually only strong-minded people can do that, as they don't have to worry about major triggers... so Mulberry is definitely a candidate. Problem is, she might be the ONLY candidate. Razor is NOT, despite her unnerving calmness, because she has the moral compass and social comprehension of a two-year-old. The first and only time she's fronted before (the only reason I even know it happened is because there's a VOICE FILE of it on Mitchell), she literally wondered aloud how I resisted the urge to "cut things" when there were so many things to cut around me. You get the picture. But then we only have the kids (who HAVE fronted but have been emotionally damaged by the experience), Jeremiah (who is NOT comfortable around people at ALL), and Sugar (who will attack anyone who she perceives as the slightest threat). Everyone in Central used to be able to front without the slightest problem, but... I don't know if any of them are still alive, besides Laurie.
Still, I'm curious now. I don't know who the public fronters are and I don't think I can; that would impede on their function. But I wish there was a more coherent system for fronting. It's not easy to live upstairs 95% of the time, and then have to deal with the consequences of the other 5% if someone manic or self-destructive comes out. Not fun, dude.
I'm laughing though. I just brought up the old adakias journal to review some things, and already, I DO NOT REMEMBER THAT STUFF. So soon, so suddenly! But I guess it's good. I needed new energy, some new place to let go of the mess that happened this year, with the resets and people getting hurt and tossed around. That's about all I know about it though, just that painful things happened. Couldn't tell you what though, and I'm thankful for it. Now we just have to help everyone else heal.
That's something I haven't mentioned yet either. Knife's new anchor is that of a healer. He can actually do that now, heal people who have been hurt in headspace. I don't know if anyone could ever do that before, so it's pretty amazing. He and Laurie are basically BFFs now (well, as bff-ish as those two can get) which is brilliant as well.
I miss seeing people get along like this. I miss feeling like headspace is a family. I'll tell you what, these reset things may have been traumatic, but now, Central and the Underground are connected. There's no split between us anymore. We all work together. And personally I think that was worth it. Everything works out in the end. I really do miss this feeling of togetherness. I can't remember the last time I felt it.

On a similar note, in light of yesterday, I think I'm going to practice energy sensing again. I've been so shattered internally that I've forgotten how. But I miss being able to perceive things subtly, and in strange ways. I miss tasting color, and smelling auras, and seeing sound. I miss being able to reach out and get this sensory rainbow from anyone upstairs whenever I tuned in. I miss my creative side, too. That same side of me is the one that can shape words into similar sensations. "Poet mode," you know. I haven't been anywhere near that in at least 6 months, I'd think.
But now, immersing myself in the literature I adored as a child, in all those ideas and images that helped me become who I am today... I wonder, if both of those sides of me are coming back now? It sure feels like it! It's exciting, actually.
I'm currently on Animorphs #17, which was my first favorite book of the series-- it's this glorious shade of pink, and Rachel turns into a BAT on the cover, for heavens sake! (You may not know, but I actually loved the color pink as a child; it didn't become "evil" until Julie stole it. I even used to pretend I was a pink pterodactyl in 1st grade, haha. And of course I have always adored bats!) I don't remember the actual book-- I don't remember the series at ALL so re-reading it is so awesome-- but I'm excited to start it, especially since the next one is #18, where Ax turns into a mosquito, and I LOVED that one as a kid, for many reasons. One of those reasons, amusingly enough, also ties into the reason why I haven't started reading #17 yet... which is that lately, I've been busy soaking up the beautiful words of Madeleine L'Engle, my biggest childhood literary inspiration.
I mentioned that in my previous entry as well, but... reading the Wrinkle In Time quintet over again, revisiting the worlds and remembering the messages within it-- it all makes me feel that I'm not as lost as I feared I was. No, that's not quite right... it makes me BELIEVE it. Meg is so much like I was as a little kid: stubborn, impatient, and angry, sure, but she loves her brother, and she has a good heart, and even though she feels she is inadequate she is shown to be an important individual in her own right, inherently worthy of love. I'm not like her now, and I don't even remember what it was like to be 'childhood me,' but still, following her footsteps, I'm finding strength and hope, too.
How do I explain it?
Really, this is when I wish I had friends, who weren't overwhelmed by me. I get SO enamored with these books and things, I need to just effervesce this joy, with someone who feels the same about it! Bursting with affection and admiration over music or art or the like, and having someone just nod and say "okay" in response, really makes me feel tired and sad. I need the reflection, the sharing. Because I do NOT feel this way about things easily! Sure, I can say I liked this or that about a lot of things, but when it gets down to total sparkly bliss and inspiration, there are only a few things on that list. To my surprise. L'Engle's books have stayed on that list!
But it's oddly personal, too. It's personal in an oddly close way, where it feels too intimate to talk about it casually. When I really love things, it gets like that, which is hard for people to understand. Even Nier! I can't play that in the same room as other people because their world is BEAUTIFUL and the music is GORGEOUS and I feel SO much like Nier himself and Grimoire Weiss is the COOLEST... you get the idea. I love that game. So I need to share it with someone else that loves it so. Which is very hard to find, because when I truly love something, I love it intensely, with an ardor that's inherently tied TO my creative, poetic side. And that depth makes it something really special to me. But most people just say "okay, I can see you like it," without FEELING why... and it just sucks me dry, like a black hole. I'm essentially showing them something that has affected me deeply and strongly enough to light me up like a supernova, bright-eyed and laughing from the wonder of it, and they can only see it as another point on a list of interests... Nier, FROST*, Klonoa, A Wrinkle In Time. You get the idea.

On that note. (Perhaps somewhat disconnected, but it's close enough to me.)
I am halfway through A Wind In The Door right now. Meg is currently trying to figure out which Mr. Jenkins is real, standing in the schoolyard, backed by Proginoskes the cherubim. And up to that point I kept wondering just how fluffy those feathers were and just what those lovely eyes looked like, et cetera, and then suddenly Mrs. L'Engle reminds me that manifested cherubim have circulatory systems and I was like whooooa dude okay I'm sold. Honestly I crack myself up with this. I've been obsessed with hearts since I was a tiny kid and really I used to be ashamed of it-- that's the real reason I loved Animorphs #18, now you know-- but now I embrace it as this odd but quietly honest weakness of mine, something that fits perfectly into my forever-naive compassion for everything. It just hurts that, for years, I got it confused. I got a lot about myself confused. Not anymore though, we're cool. Now I'm just blushing like an idiot at the thought of cuddling up to a huge fiery fluffy cherubim, aha. Especially one with an attitude like Progo, he's adorable, I love him.
I have forever been enamored with how L'Engle portrays cherubim, though, as you probably have gathered. THIS is the image of them that I grew up with. That is GORGEOUS.
You've probably noticed that is most definitely where Infinitii anchored aesthetically, too.
That's why this re-reading is hitting me so hard. Yes, Progo is brilliant, but he keeps reminding me of Infi, this strange and beautiful being. But Infi has intimacy going against him here, ironically. Isn't that weird? I can be as affectionate and loving as I want with a total stranger who is open-hearted to it. But when someone gets close to me, and starts returning that to me, I freak out and push them away, then run when they try to get close again, even if I still love them with all my heart (although I will likely bury it in fear). I've never understood that.
Maybe it ties into the old love=pain thing for me. Maybe. It would make sense, at least on a basic level. But the fear? Is that because my family was emotionally bereft when I was growing up? No one was close to anyone else, any gestures of such were viewed with harshness. And then growing up with a non-traditional gender and romantic orientation made it impossible to show feelings towards anyone, on any level, without being rejected in disgust and often hate. I did it to myself, I would know. But it's sad. Maybe I just learned to be scared of it, without knowing why.
All I know is that I miss that weird little angel with his creepy toothy grins and big gray-red eyes and echoic voice in my head. I don't remember him either and I miss him. It's so odd.
Chaos too. He's all three-pointed stars, except fluid, all oceanic and blue and a strange lovely fusion of points and curves. He's hard to describe and it's awesome. But I miss him too, and I don't know who he is, but something keeps pushing me really quietly to maybe find him again. I can't be sure.
I just want to find out why I'm more comfortable with welcoming strangers than I have ever been with close friends. Maybe that's why I like Laurie, too? Because she never gets too close, and when she does, there's always that edge. Always that slight brutality to it. Won't even kiss me without pulling my hair. Gotta have that pain somewhere, or I get scared. So odd. At least she understands, and doesn't want to get emotionally close anyway, and neither do I.
Emotional closeness and emotional openness aren't synonymous to me, I just realized. I can be an open book with anybody, entirely trusting and vulnerable, but there's a childlike quality to it that, when disturbed, SHATTERS me. I can be the most affectionate person in the world as long as you're treating me like I'm younger than 12. Once you start seeing me as an 'adult,' once you start trying to pull me into 'mature' relationships, I get terrified. I run.
Oh hey. That's probably it. What if I had my perception of friendships and partnerships and romance corrupted so badly at such an early age, that I never learned what they really were like? And now I don't know how to fix it. I've been trying, I've apparently just made it worse! That's what the Undergrounders keep saying, "be careful," "the hackers go after you because you're fragile," "you can't trust people like that." And I know that's true. But it's tough for a soft-hearted silly person like me, I guess. It hurts for me to not trust people, or to realize that yes, there ARE people inside our head that want to hurt me. Naturally I want to love them, and help them heal. But they take advantage of me, so other people have to protect me a lot. Otherwise... well. Bad things happen.
Laurie says that's my biggest flaw and my biggest blessing, my inability to stop being so childlike. She loves and hates that about me, but she always says, "kid, never lose that." Always.
Sorry, it's late and I'm starting to fall into "I don't know how to speak in written language because words are confusing and I just want to feel at people" mode. Kything!
But yeah. Fluffy gorgeous cherubim and hearts and eyes and fire and smoke. So nice. I can't help but laugh when I realize that THAT'S my ideal aesthetic, no wonder people look at me funny! I don't mind though. We'd be best friends and it'd be great.
I can visualize exactly what I want to say, and what I need, and what I feel. Isn't that unusual? I can think in pictures just fine, but I don't know how to put that into words! It's why I struggle with writing stories down too. How do you put an expression, or a feeling, or a sight, into words? You lose what you're actually trying to describe, limiting it to written language. it's so frustrating sometimes it makes me cry. why can't i just show people these things, watch their eyes light up and they'll laugh too, what beautiful stuff that is, thank you for sharing it with me. and i'd smile, hey do you like music, do you want to hear some of the symphonies i hear in my head? oh yes please theyd say, young and old people alike, businessmen in top hats and little kids with gaps in their smiles and old women with thinning hair. yes please, and then i'll share my dreams with you too.
that's the kinda world i want to live in down here too, in physical space, in the waking. i want to live with people who all love and trust each other and everyone gets along. i want to be able to walk down the street and know that everyone is my friend and i am everyones friend too and we all do what brings us joy and share it.
oh and a world where when the cold autumn air whips around the moon and clouds like crystal, like it did last night, i can go outside and really fly instead of wodnering why my arms wont carry me up into the sky unless my eyes are closed.

sorry. i am very tired. this got really disjointed really fast, thats what happens when theres a switch in consciousness.
dont worry though this is j, at least a deeper part of me i guess, the part that doesnt like having a name. but its "me" if that makes you feel a little better.
hmmmm i want to give you a song of the night let me find a nice one.
OH here have some glitchy choral things because we're talking about angels and this is my favorite genre ever.
plus it sounds like infinitii if that makes sense. you'll see what i mean.
https://soundcloud.com/forss/lux-aeterna

g'night everyone you're all lovely have sweet dreams and all that
today's been beautiful, tomorrow will be too, see you then!

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