spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
 we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.

2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because 


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak. 
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one. 
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, fuck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE FUCKING DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help. 
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there. 


Kid, the light isn't separate from the fucking darkness, look at Infi for God's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. This shit won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this shit WORKS.
Today was fucking horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that shit. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true


there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love. 
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.



I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back. 
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.
(edit: i think this article puts it into words better than we were able to)

"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with. 
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.



nov 18

Nov. 18th, 2013 10:01 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for," while playing with his tongue stud as always-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as chakra tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the chakra candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data voices? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

nov 15

Nov. 15th, 2013 09:32 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We've had abusive, ignorant, or otherwise non-connected people fronting lately so I apologize for the lack of substantial updates, especially when things have been happening. Let me see what I can recall. 
(I apologize if this is in pieces for now; I'm very tired)

- About 2, 3 days ago, Knife came running up to me, saying that "Sugar was sick." Apparently her anchor had slipped enough that she was starting to demanifest, and she was unwilling to find a new purpose to work towards, thanks to her original one causing her to become the favorite puppet of several other malicious voices. (new anchor: protecting 'sweetness,' which is something both sugar and the color pink have not had in ages for us) 

- lots of angry people out lately. this is scary; it seems when people anchor upstairs, and then become beneficial for the System and able to communicate with each other, suddenly it becomes difficult for them to front, even if they were a social previously? and they are rarely triggered anymore. this is bad because now those outer anchors are being taken by nasty people. also jess is really loud lately and that is never good either! 

- (javier, knife, g/m/q all fronting last night. javier has troubles with speech, but shockingly knife was able to speak today! he fronted specifically to look at the moon, actually teared up over it. the two were talking for a bit which was new. later the gent was TALKING to the grandmother, through the hoodie of course so his accent was muffled. mav was driving the car for a minute. they were worried because they are still bleeding into each other and the queen is very unstabele; they decided they were going to focus themselves better? also they thought the fact that you could see the highway from the graveyard was interesting; I remember mav commented that "death was a grand adventure"-- he said many people viewed death as a dead end, as "the end of the road," but he laughed and said "a dead end isn't the end of it all! stop the car, get out, and keep walking! you'll see things you'd never have from a vehicle." the gent said that was a wise perspective) (also apparently biting with the canines will catch knife's attention; it's his grounding method. I think with javier it's his piercings and ear gauges; he's constantly playing with his tongue stud. he says all that metal in his mouth brings his attention there, and reminds him "that he has to speak out" for those he protects.) 

- (dream hack today, here. made everyone sick and scared for the whole day)

- (julie and infinitii arguing this evening; badly dissociated during that, but basically julie was repeating her mindset from this morning, considering infi's role and energy makeup. i specifically remember him sternlysaying "don't call me a harlot" after she did just that, jeeringly) 

- I've been 'seeing things' more clearly lately? (weird celebi-angel thing following me around, 'digimon' people that same day. genesis is clearer too.) 

- more subeta people! finished sherlock, started the g/m/q trio, working on einsatz, refining infinitii. 

nov 07

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White is the opposite I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

nov 01

Nov. 1st, 2013 09:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We are trying way too hard.
We're thinking too much, and we're losing sight of what we're actually supposed to be doing.

I noticed this happens when I try to work on technical information for Dream World, too, or any other Leagueworld. Every time I start getting overly analytical, I get so frustrated and sick and tired that I want to cry. Even if I'm interested, even if I'm making progress, even if I'm in a good mood... it doesn't matter. Too much thinking = instant exhaustion and depression.
That's what's been happening today. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's going on with the corrupt energy up here, so we can avoid encountering or exacerbating it again, but the more I research and write, the more headaches I get. And thanks to  my moral upbringing, I can't tell if that's good or bad? Is that my body telling me, "stop it, this isn't something you should spend time thinking about," OR is it some darker force doing that on purpose, trying to keep me from making beneficial progress? How do I know? It's like when I was growing up, I could never tell if my pains and terrors were "punishment," or "tests." The former was because I was bad, and the latter was because I was good. But which was it? I never knew.
I still don't. In 2011 the Tar told me it needed to exist, in order for me to understand what "the right thing" was. But was it lying? Why would I need dichotomy to comprehend goodness? CAN I be good WITHOUT its sinful balance, if that's true? That feels utterly wrong, but... I don't know.


It's funny, but I'm glad-- since I'm one of the few fronters in the System, I'm the only one that has to deal with the eating disorders and gender dysphoria and PTSD triggers there firsthand. Sure, it leaks through, but I'm glad that I'm the one that has to take the brunt of it. I wouldn't want anyone else in the System having to struggle with this.

I know Infi said most post-2010 memories should be mine, but did he forget about the Scratch? I'm reviewing things from 2011 and I swear to you, I do not remember them. Most of 2012 is also gone. I have no idea whose memories these are. It's scary at times, but it is totally true. Nevertheless that worries me. I didn't realize I was dissociating regularly until THIS APRIL. And the Undergrounders found explicit proof of that happening back in 2010, during the first SLC trip, which I do not remember at all. I don't. There are two or three location memories, but nothing firsthand, again. Do you know how bizarre that is, to know that things happened, but to see them all as an outside observer in memory, as someone that wasn't actually there? Who in the world was in charge, for that whole time?
...I think I know why infi said "should." Wasn't 2010 the year that the main fronter's inner presentation color changed from red to white? So yes, by that train of thought, their memories "should" be mine, as I'm that color now... but, looking back on what the Undergrounders showed me, whoever had White back then apparently held the negative side of it. That person was NOT a nice person. Is that where all this internal corruption came from? I don't want to go through the archives and look for what they did to put all this poison in here, as that attention will just make it louder and stronger... but again, is that the smartest move? Is that the correct decision?
I know I keep trying to clear things out, meditating and healing, but do I need specifics? Can I generally try and get rid of the corruption as a whole, or do I need to chip away at it? People tell me, "don't identify with it," and I don't, but acknowledging that it exists feels like I'm doing that. It's confusing. That's why I tend to ignore any and all pain. Saying "yes, there is pain and fear and anger," feels like I'm making those feelings a part of who I am. That's a scary feeling in and of itself, so I just stay sparkle-eyed and away from it.
That's why I don't have any past memories, I would think. Because, post-reset and all that, all those past emotions and thoughts and memories got stripped from me, leaving nothing but this childlike innocence behind, incapable of even thinking the way they did. But then... now what? By virtue of my forced naivete I can't function in the waking world, there are too many triggers that exist whether or not I want them to. But they need to be acknowledged to be healed... but paying attention to them makes them louder... what do I do?
I've been going in circles for years, I'd gather, if this still hasn't been solved. But how do we solve it, if there is nothing to solve in my eyes? If I see all the pain and fear as false, as "not real," there's nothing for me but wide-eyed wonder and a total detachment from the trauma of the past. But that trauma still lingers, even if its only proof is the Tar, and the hacks that used to use me specifically because of my ignorance of them. I don't know if that was mentioned recently, but that's why the morning hacks always happened. I just learned that those were hopefully fixed, but I'll admit, it's my fault that they occurred. I'd want to talk with Infinitii, or spend time with him or anything, but then something would be "triggered" and then I'd be gone, because by my function, I am not CAPABLE of fronting when a trigger happens! And then suddenly I'd come back, and Infi would be crying and scared, and I'd know something had hurt him but I'd tell him "everything will be okay" and then I'd go on my merry way. And it wasn't until much later that I'd learn that something had happened while I'd been away, someone had used the body to harm Infi, to harm other people too, and I'd be torn inside because I don't want them to be hurt, but... what do I do? What can I do? Am I even supposed to tackle this problem, or is that someone else's playing field? Do I stay the innocent core, the reminder of what we were BEFORE the trauma happened, forever untouched by it, OR do I forever shatter that innocence by trying to keep everyone else from suffering the trauma that happened anyway?
Geez I don't know. I really don't know. And that breaks my heart because I'm happy, I am so happy, but I know there are malicious things in this body besides me, and even if they can't hurt me directly, they can very easily use me to hurt someone else. And I don't want that happening anymore.

Javier is getting a better anchor upstairs. He's learned that he can't jump straight into fronting, because he doesn't have an "identity" to front with yet, so he can't interact with the waking world obviously. I wonder if other systems have troubles like that? We never had many "social" fronters, because we had no need or desire to go outside of the mind. Only Jewel (the original) and Celebi did, but they spent their time drawing or going online. I know we had a few online people, but then that spinningcannon person kind of tripped the alarm system by deciding she was going to start interacting with people directly? And then that forced out everyone that had stayed hidden inside up to that point. I guess in an ironic way we have to thank her for exhuming us all, but man, it sure was scary at first, with everyone having to deal with that rush of revealed pain and fear all at once. Thank goodness Laurie was the first headvoice to manifest, otherwise I don't think anyone would have survived. But yeah, because 90% of our trauma happened internally, most of us stayed inside. The people fronting outside didn't know about us until many many years later! And we're still trying to catch the attention of some of them. The Autopilot was the main one though-- it had no identity of its own, existing as a collection of stock phrases and obligations, and we didn't even learn how to control it until sometime in late 2010. But it fronts, because it is easy for it to do so, as it doesn't have to worry about a self or anything that goes with that. Whereas everyone inside, we have our own identities and roles and responsibilities, and if we were suddenly forced to go and front in the body, which is strange and weird and lives a life we don't understand, that would be extremely stressful! So the AP does it instead, and we stay inside, and live our lives in here.

We've found out that the Autopilot defaults to "yes" when it isn't given an order, which explains a lot of the trouble it used to get us in. Even in a dangerous situation, if someone didn't ORDER IT NOT TO, it would default to going ahead anyway. Isn't that weird? But in a way that's good to know, because now we can give it very specific instructions and forbiddances, and if we repeat those over and over they stick as parts of its program. But we have to overwrite a LOT of old bad programs first. Also it places everyone else automatically at a priority higher than itself-- which is kind of helpful for the eating disorders, because if you repeatedly program it that certain trigger foods "belong to someone else," it will avoid them all the time because it doesn't want to "steal them." But like we said, a LOT needs to be overwritten first, including the biting compulsion, which poor Emmett is stuck to too, as are most of the food and stress alters. Still it's a start, now that we know HOW to program it.
Javier gave it a VERY STRICT ORDER that, if someone tries to manipulate it into doing something even vaguely sexual, it is NOT ALLOWED to take any action UNTIL it asks the kids upstairs whether or not they agree to it. If even one of them says no, the Autopilot MUST SAY NO, no matter what. Javier said that defaulting to "yes" in a harmful situation, just because "no one told it to refuse," was causing a great deal of trauma to the kids, and it was ignoring their rights to both safety and free speech. (Javier is very big on rights and safety). He emphasized this very loudly, making it clear that there were to be no exceptions. So we'll have to repeat that every day. I know there WAS an attempt by Julie to hack it sometime today, but it DID ask David, and he immediately shouted "no," so the Autopilot repeated that and left. Julie was stunned but absolutely livid, because she had apparently counted on the AP's inability to refuse up to this point. So maybe now we'll have a lot less hacks when no one is driving or watching the AP like a hawk, which is often.

Speaking of memories, Waldorf reminded us today that she has all the media memories of the past that she can access in the archives, which no one else has access to. The only thing she can't get is Pokemon stuff, as that was it's own division for many years, and Celebi has that instead. But Waldorf remembers the books and movies and games that the teenage fronters were interested in, since she originally would take pieces from ALL of them for inspirational purposes. So that's cool. If anyone needs that stuff we can go to her.
Celebi is just so mad that the Tar was pretending to be a member of her species for that long while. Cel herself was our main fronter around 2001, but she stayed online, or in videogames. She and Jewel were aware of each other back then and fronted at different times, but they both effectively stopped fronting once spinningcannon showed up in 2004, and that's when the infamous high school time gap of 4 years happens! Oh well. That's not what I'm talking about. Celebi is just very angry that her existence was used as a springboard for the Tar to get at J, whoever he was back then, whenever the Tar-Celebi stuff happened. She's not holding a grudge, she's just mad! But I don't blame her.

Oh, also Josephina loves Javier's hair, and got upset when he found out that we wouldn't be letting Javier do that to the body, nor would we be letting him get gauges and lip piercings, haha. Still, maybe we can get Jo to help us with clarifying Javier's outfit on that Subeta generator thing, as that does help very much with visual anchors, plus he needs to be in the lineup pictures for heaven's sakes. So does Emmett, but he's so utterly non-humanoid we're going to have to Photoshop most of him in! Oh well, needs to be done. I know we did that for a bunch of people, notably Wally, Chaos, Knife and Xenophon... go take a look, it's impossible to actually have those avatars on the site!


Let's get back to the energy stuff from earlier. Let me back in, please.
Here, let's just post what was written earlier about the B/W energy, and Pink as well. It could be relevant, who knows.
This is all assumed accurate, at least in the current time period, unless later stated to be otherwise.

"White energy is INDIVIDUALLY CREATIVE ENERGY. Black energy is the source of the "merge drive," which J originally thought was reproductive, due to not having knowledge of other contexts. But it is the EXACT OPPOSITE: merge drives seek loss of self, they seek total unity. They have NO reproductive capacity because they seek to make everything one. White energy, however, deals with making "one from many," with the value of the individual self. It multiplies life, instead of consolidating it.
This is where corruptive confusion comes in. White energy does not create in a sexual context unless you ANCHOR it to the physical, and even then it only operates as a basic reproductive drive, the same thing everything from ants to amoebas operate on. It is NOT some sort of dangerous lustful thing like the equally corrupted Pink energy kept promoting.
But THIS is why Pink got so confusing over the years. Pink energy deals with affection, with childlike intimacy, with romantic but chaste love. It is inherently NON-SEXUAL. Julie, when she was originally created, only wore that color as a symbol of femininity, NOT as sexuality. Julie was also INNOCENT at her manifestation, as was the Pink energy, the way it should be. HOWEVER, our original fronter created her as a vessel for their thoughts of hatred and negativity: thoughts that were shoved into the subconscious, becoming the Tar. This entity acted like a parasite, eventually darkening Julie's color, although that total distortion didn't happen until about 5 years later: outside influences plus buried negativity turned Julie abusive, and since she worked through Pink, this tainted our original fronter's perception of that color and its aspects indelibly: Pink then became the brazen sexualization of all things feminine and intimate, EVEN children like they were. On that note, Julie's color pink and the REAL color pink each have very different energy vibes, which only contributed to confusion and mislabeling, due to J not even being aware of the latter UNTIL NOW.

 Nevertheless, J has been WELL aware of the difference between pink energy and sexuality since FEBRUARY 2011, although it admittedly didn't "register" until January 2012 (when his psyche split further, creating Eros to help fix any misrouting). Regardless, this vital difference has been repeated to him several times since then, by many different people, but J eventually began to ignore these admonishments due to crushing doubt, self-loathing,  and fear. It is unknown when his psyche made the sudden and drastic switch from "true" pink affection to the corrupted sort, where he began to see everything as sexual, but that event needs to be pinpointed and then healed.
THAT is what happened to fracture J's psyche so severely concerning all his relationships. His strange, admittedly compulsory pursuit of "pink connections" held starkly contrasting motivations and results. He was seeking affection and childlike love, but since the Pink energy was corrupted into something darkly perverted, suddenly he found all his relationships becoming shallow and devoid of real closeness, tainted by his absolute misunderstanding of what the words "relationship" and "love" meant in the first place. To J, every hint of closeness, even familial closeness, was sexualized. It is no surprise at all that he could never let go of his pain and trauma, because he didn't understand what was actually happening both to him, and within his own misinformed mind.

Tainted Black energy holds all negative energy that lingers in the subconscious mind: violence, hatred, rage, lust, etc. It is thick, heavy, and pitch-like, unlike pure Black energy, which is a soft shadowy black, and freely moving like air or silk.
Tainted White energy holds all  negative energy that lingers in the conscious mind: manipulation, pride, apathy, blasphemy, etc. It is crystallized and sharp, unlike pure White energy, which is insubstantial, warmly white and glowing.

Furthermore, J's entire understanding of "connection levels" in the past was FALSE, as it was based on a total misunderstanding of how energy worked, as well as how connections worked. So all previous data on those can be safely discarded. Keep in mind that he stole that term from Dream World in 2011, and blatantly misused it in a completely different context."


That's all that was written, hopefully it's relevant.
I do want to add something, in light of that last paragraph.
HEADSPACE CHANGES CONSTANTLY. THIS INCLUDES ALL OF OUR OBSERVATIONS ABOUT IT.
What may be true today MAY NOT BE TRUE TOMORROW.
This is an incredibly important observation that all inhabitants of headspace MUST keep in mind. Our world evolves and shifts according to what it is needed to be, or become, and therefore what worked in the past may suddenly no longer work, and be redefined in an instant.
This fact does ring true for the strange old "connection levels" concept J invented in the past. That entire train of thought is no longer true, nor does it apply to current headspace reality.
This is why one must ALWAYS be prudent in browsing the archives, as they include data as it was entered at the time, and it has NOT been altered to reflect current truths and/or untruths. I am considering adding a tag to the archive, to notify readers of now-false data, or data which was later proved false to begin with. It would help alleviate a great deal of confusion.


I spoke to Christina today, both in and after church, for a little bit. She said she was doing a lot of praying and asked God to help her understand what was actually going on in her life up here? Something. All I remember for sure is that she now acknowledges that yes she is a headvoice, and yes she shares our reality. Also through honest prayer she was granted access to some parts of the archives (not surprisingly, as she is a Violet headvoice), and she saw a lot of what we went through in the past? What she saw I don't know, but it forced her to re-evaluate both her opinions of us (she's stopped calling us "heathens"), as well as her previous viewpoint that her faith was the ONLY faith and anyone that didn't follow it to the letter was "going to hell." She's still badly confused and existentially terrified of course, but she's making progress, and that's very admirable considering how hard this is for her. But I told her that my role, and the big central tenet of headspace, was that we try to base everything on mutual compassion and love, for each other and for our shared life. And I told her how, even if I wasn't a Christian like her, I still greatly admired and agreed with many of Christ's teachings, as did most of us up here-- because it's moral common sense really, and I personally believe that a good deal of those teachings simply clarify that EVERYONE has not just the potential, but the ability to be "Christlike," by virtue of God being love and us imitating Christ by expressing unconditional love... etc. etc. etc. It's the kind of stuff you can't put into words well or you lose the point. But yeah, she's now willing to work with us on our level, instead of looking down on us condescendingly, which is nice. And I told her she can still think of herself as an angel if she wanted (she was convinced she was one for a long time), as long as she doesn't let that thought get her all tainted with the corrupted White and its insidiously malevolent moral superiority.

What's happened to my faith? That's the question I have right now. With all the spiritual people saying "all your beliefs are wrong" due to limiting my view of truth, and being forced to see the inherent neutrality of everything that used to shred my bones to pieces... somewhere along the line I stopped acting like much of a believer. I'm still aware of love in everything. I still have a deep unflinching awareness of the greater good in all things, even the scary things. But I don't "worship" like Christina does. Her fervency feels alien and unsettling to me. Is that bad, for me to not be able to worship so zealously anymore? I can't tell. I'm just haunted by her old words, by the words my grandmother spoke years before I met her, by condemnations and fears of damnation sneaking behind my ribs, coloring my blood dark in the night. I don't like that. But I don't want ice running through my veins either.
There is a fine line between humility, pride, and self-hatred, and I have trouble seeing it anymore. I stopped listening to my heart when it became an alarm bell for the pain I couldn't bear to feel anymore. I have more faith in Infi and Laurie than I ever did in myself, and when Infi suddenly became a threat to my well-being, against his will and mine... well, I think a lot of my faith in the big picture died a little.
I'm still not sure what to do with this. But I'll keep my heart and mind as open as I can get them, without causing myself to start gushing red again.

Hyakin was in my dream last night?? I think other people were too, but I woke up too suddenly, he's the only one I remember seeing. I spent the whole dream at the music store I talked about yesterday, there was this gang hanging out there spraypainting stuff, and I was telling them what I remembered of that building and the coffeeshop, how beautiful it was to me. I showed them around, oddly the music shop had been turned into someone's house? We all went inside and I said this building had been like home to me, even now that it was so dramatically different I still felt safe there. A few of the gang guys agreed, surprised they said they felt at home there too, it must have been the general vibe of the place. I know they tagged the coffeeshop building, it was still empty. But I remember Hyakin was standing by the road there, I think he was talking to someone, was it Sergei maybe? Either way that's all I recall clearly. Later in the dream I was playing Pokemon Y and I was laughably saddened when I woke up and remembered, "wait, I don't even have a 3DS!" But it was nice. I think I had a Dragalge on my team, aww yes.

Jewel keeps wanting to work on Dream World but it's tough, because she needs to cut off entirely from headspace to do that, and she can't do that when we keep getting red alerts and triggers and stuff. But she's getting impatient because it's been like two weeks? I don't remember. It's been too long. There's gotta be a better way to divvy up time with all of us, so she can work and we can try to heal stuff, without her work being put on hold for years (which it was) or us having to sit with the same old pains for years because no one is looking at it (which has happened too). Where is a happy medium! This is ridiculous sometimes. We're trying to find ways into the Leagueworlds in case headspace ever does collapse for good, a few of us have places already, but not all of us, because it's tough to find fitting positions as well as open timelines! But DW is probably everyone's best bet as that's such a far-reaching realm the way it is. We'll see.

We have our own Last.fm now, separate from the original one that holds our entire old libraries. We're going to use this new one to categorize our own playlists and stuff, because one of the previous fronters kept deleting our stuff from the original account, and we don't want that happening anymore.
Also guess what, I'M STARTING TO ORDER THE BEADS. I'm making a few custom orders and finding colors for a few final people, but the project is officially under way now! Also Celebi is now the one pushing us to actually do the "personal box" thing downstairs as well, but now the question is, what do we use as boxes? How big? We'll have to find out. She just wants a place to put her Pokemon cards and orange ginger mints, hehe. But hey, that's HER stuff, that's a very important thing. It's nice to have stuff downstairs that's ours too.
Speaking of. In light of talking to Christina today, J really wants to try and bring Julie back. Apparently he's feeling a lot of despair from her? Like she really doesn't know who she is or what she wants, she's being pulled in all directions by all sorts of different things. But J is the kind of softie that will ALWAYS give someone a second chance, or a second thousandth chance, and he's the guy that apparently got Julie to join us for a while last year. J says he supposes maybe she's remembering that, since the Pink slot is redefining itself at long last, and looking for a new core slot holder. Eros is trying to manifest again, he was talking to Laurie "telepathically" for a while this morning while she was with Javier, she was really mad at first because last week or so when he got taken back out of J, he was REALLY messed up from the energy being equally damaged again. But he demanifested and now he's trying to come right back that same way, so Laurie had to go all gung-ho and tell him that PINK IS DIFFERENT NOW, it's no longer tied to the old corruption so he CAN'T come back as he was previously. It took a little bit but she apparently got through to him? So if he wants to be the Pink core he CANNOT be tied to sexual abuse or rerouting in ANY way, he has to work as a sort of "role model" for the other Pinks, that's the wrong term but it's close? Like if you hold a core slot, you HAVE to reflect that energy's characteristics in a true and good way, so that everyone else in that color (who have variations of that core energy) can look to you for grounding and stuff. You're not superior to them as a core, you just have a very strict job! But we haven't had a core Pink person EVER, besides Julie trying to be one for a year but she had the wrong color, so whoever gets it now would have a lot on their heads in terms of responsibility. I know Knife is kind of the "placeholder" Pink leader, ironically as he has the darkest shade of it and wasn't very compassionate at all originally, but he's made incredible progress towards that so people look to him. Anyway that's that. We think that if Julie comes back she won't be allowed to be the core, even if she changes her color, but then again who knows? Things change so fast, nothing is ever set in stone, all we can do is guess and then sit back and watch. Whether we're right or wrong doesn't really matter most of the time, as long as we can grow for the better from the answer (or lack thereof) that we get.

Last note. Jay here. This is what I was trying to say with the first sentence.
Love, love is what we need to remember, at all costs even. Remember we CAN'T fight the Tar or the Plague, both of them get stronger the more violence and rage is around them. Laurie had to throw her axe to the ground and use the Angel Helmet the last time they showed up, even she couldn't get them to stop with weapons! So you see, we cannot fight fire with fire.
But it's not just "fighting." It's healing too, more than anything. Forgiveness and love.
I've realized that, over the years, I've been slowly pushed to forgive more and love more. It got harder and harder as I grew, the fronters changed, but some weird bloodline followed me even until now. I thought it was hard to forgive Julie, but I did. I thought it was hard to forgive Celebi, but I did. Then Chaos became the source of pain, but I still managed to forgive him... and when I thought that was as tough as it could ever get, suddenly Infinitii became the one I had to forgive. But I did.
And now, it's just hit me. I'm at the hardest part ever now.
It's not forgiving the Tar and the Plague. I know, and have always known, that they are actually incredibly easy to forgive, because they are cruel by their nature, and even in their cruelty they help me learn and grow. It's so easy to forgive something that's as black-and-white as that in terms of morality, for me at least. But when the morality is grey, when someone who loves you hurts you by accident, when it wasn't intentional or when they didn't think it would hurt... somehow, for me, that is so much harder to forgive. I have no problems forgiving someone who hurts me on purpose, even with the intent to harm or maim. I don't know why. But when someone damages me so badly, without meaning to... why is that so hard to forgive?
And that's the hilariously ironic bit of all this. That's what makes my final task of love and forgiveness the absolute hardest, something I avoided for years, something I was so blinded to that I didn't even realize it was necessary until it became too important to ignore anymore.
The last person I have to forgive, the last thing I have to learn to love, against all odds... is myself.


I think that's all we needed to say for today? Boy this entry was a mess. We've been severely dissociated all day so we're not sure what's going on much, or who needs to say what.
But it looks like a lot of good and important things were said today, and that makes me happy, so good night!

oct 29

Oct. 29th, 2013 03:06 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.


So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

  1. J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.
  2. Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.
  3. With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.
  4. As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

Now for the rest of today:

  • Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.
  • Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.
  • There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.
  • A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.
  • Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.
  • Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak?  He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.
  • He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.
  • Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."
  • While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "fuck you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.
  • Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.
  • Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

That is all we have to say for today.

 

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

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The Lightraye System

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