spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
 we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.

2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because 


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak. 
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one. 
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, fuck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE FUCKING DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help. 
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there. 


Kid, the light isn't separate from the fucking darkness, look at Infi for God's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. This shit won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this shit WORKS.
Today was fucking horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that shit. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true


there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love. 
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.



I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back. 
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.
(edit: i think this article puts it into words better than we were able to)

"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with. 
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.



dec 10

Dec. 10th, 2013 11:04 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you visit the archive, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll fucking kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing all that shit on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (God what a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented as hell, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember shit and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it fucking sucks in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the ass, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the hell happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't fucking know. I'm just pissed and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but damn I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing shit, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just fucking hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Damn it. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain shit to. See you later.
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
MAJOR UPDATES!!
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP. 
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

nov 17

Nov. 17th, 2013 09:28 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Hey kids, this is Jay, updating entirely by myself for once. As for why… well, I don't know if it counts as meditation in any traditional sense, but I just spent close to three solid hours in headspace with Infinitii and CZ, and I feel so completely surrounded and embraced by love that I could cry from the incredible bliss of it.
It's been months since we were able to do anything even vaguely like this... sure, we tried back on the 8th, but since I was still frozen emotionally it didn't get very far. So having something like this happen barely 10 days later is just incredible. That's massive progress and recovery both. It's a lot of hope for me.

I'm going to write this stream-of-consciousness style, because refinement is tiring and I need to get this down as quickly as possible. Also, just anote: even when it's beautiful, headspace is naturally really weird, thanks to it being 50% subconscious, so to speak... and because so much of my normal headspace experience involves heavy-duty healing, thanks to my role up here. So if any social fronters want to delete or censor this because "that's too bizarre and I don't want it publicized," remember, it wasn't your experience, so you have no authority to edit it. Thank you.


- I was with infi for an hour this morning, starting at 3am, as I couldn't sleep. (i was in my stained-glass form at the time as well). it was really beautiful; we were in a basilica-like place again, just talking. it struck me how they always look like the national shrine; that place had a big impact on headspace). we walked up to the baldachin altar (like this but without the trees, and no actual altar on it; just the steps up to a circle platform), infi sat down on it, looking thoughtful, then just looked up at me and motioned for me to move closer. when I did, he just reached out and simply said, "make love to me." taken aback but nevertheless moved, I stepped closer, then uncertainly asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that? he caught my hesitation and sternly clarified, "I didn't say have sex with me." that was like a lightbulb went off in my head, of course he didn't, but I didn't realize I had been assuming so much about his motives too. again, infi knows I tend to think in black-and-white, so he quickly added, "but don't assume that's what other people mean when they say that," before clarifying that I never had to worry about him having that sort of motivation.
so… we did? but mind you, being with infi is absolutely insane, because it is literally the same sort of total openness and passionate emotions and other close things that most people associate (or maybe only get) with sex, except there's none of that in it. so I don't dissociate either, which is awesome, because I usually look in the wrong places for that sort of intense intimacy and end up walking straight into more trauma. anyway that took a solid hour, I remember I was literally seeing stars when we connected, rainbow loops too, not the first time that has happened. I realized how much love I was feeling and asked infi if maybe we should get chaos involved in this. he said yes, but only if he was willing, and only if it would be mutual between all three of us. so he asked, did chaos love him at all? I said probably, I know he cared about him, and besides the three of us had spent a very significant morning together back in april or so. but infi reached up to touch my face and quietly repeated, "but does he love me?" and again, the significance of that caught me off guard. I realized that I didn't give infi the credit he deserved with this-- yes, he was literally willing to do anything with anyone who asked, but I hadn't realized that he had one unflinching criterion even then, and that was that they had to be willing to love him the way he was forever willing to love them. so I responded that I wasn't sure if cz loved infi like that, I didn't feel they knew each other well enough yet, but knowing cz, I was positive that there was the potential for it. infi nodded and said then let's bring him into this too. I managed to fall asleep not long after that, thank heavens, it was already after 4 by that time.

- I didn't get to tell laurie about that event until about noon today, but she was really moved by it, unsurprisingly. she said that infi and I were something else, similar to what cz and I were like together "but not exactly the same." then she asked, as always, if I remembered him yet? was I willing to give that a shot? I said no and yes, respectively; some part of me was scared, but I couldn't deny the truth I did feel, and so I was going to follow that. I then told her that infi and I already planned to bring him into things, and I jokingly asked if that was the sort of thing she'd be interested in watching. she laughed and said no, "you keep infi far away from me when he's with you two like that." I asked why, she said it was because she knew how intensely infi effervesced, and on top of cz and I, she didn't think she could handle that sort of emotional gravity. I asked if she was scared of it? she said not entirely. she wasn't afraid of what that would feel like, she was more scared of what it meant for her to open up like that. she said to remember what her job was. for years, being the voice of chastity and therefore julie's absolute opposite, she was the sole force standing between me and all those painful things. she had to be tough as nails, strong and unflinching, completely impervious to anything that would weaken her in the slightest. so she refused to feel barely any emotions other than anger for years, as they would be chinks in her armor… and if anything got through to her, our sole protector, then everyone else was done for. I realized with a sort of heartwrenching shock what this meant: for most of laurie's entire life, she COULDN'T be vulnerable in any sense, because it would kill her. it was literally lethal for her to open her heart, because then the things she was fighting would tear her to shreds. I quietly quoted a ring of endless light then, saying "if we aren't capable of being hurt, then we aren't capable of feeling joy." immediately she responded, just as quietly, "to love at all is to be vulnerable." and I loved her so much in that moment, because I realized that she wasn't entirely safe yet, and yet she was willing to risk her own life for the sake of finally being open enough to be hurt, to be vulnerable, because she had more love that I could even fathom, for not only me but also the entire System. so I just put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder, trying not to cry, but not saying anything. I loved her too much to speak in that moment. she put an arm around my shoulders in response, and tilted her head so it rested against mine, and I knew that she understood that.

- then at 6pm today, I was with infi again, red christmas lights everywhere at his behest (I still have this oddly deep resonance with red light, and the holidays are a great justification for surrounding myself in them). we were working with clearing hurt/ corrupted energy again; there are still some roots we're trying to remove, and in light of last night's sudden bizarre update in the archive (which I didn't read until today), we decided it would be a good idea to try and focus on those positive points, for the sake of emphasizing them instead of the lingering trauma memories.
I can't tell you much detail about that; I didn't dissociate, but since infi doesn't work with conscious awareness it is very hard to get clear, describable memories out of time spend with him. it's more of knowing, and intuition, than it is something concrete. similarly, the actual experiences are equally hard to stay rooted in, so we were constantly reminding each other not to slip, hold everything in your heart, etc. and of course, infi's insistence at always being in a church during healing attempts helps; not only is it holy and grounding, but hackers cannot get in, ahaha! we should use churches for things more often then.)
as for the actual energy analysis/clearing stuff, we ended up getting super clarity on an old truth: energy is just energy. perspective is everything; motives color things. ALSO, apparently the body/soul is incapable of feeling otherwise?? like to use the old trauma for an example, even though julie was trying to horrendously corrupt the Spectrum's pink energy (which holds affection and innocence), and so our original experiences with it hurt and were downright terrifying, that scary stuff was put there by her. it was not natural. and my heart knew, even during all that, that what she was doing wasn't true, it wasn't the truth at all.
also, infi and I realized we can do so much stuff purely upstairs, without any physical accompaniment, that was awesome. I lost my ability to see/ hear/ feel/ etc. things upstairs for a while, but now that it's coming back, I don't have to try and "imitate" stuff in the physical anymore (like I'd have to mouth my words, repeat all my body language, etc. in order for it to really register).
(I still have that red lotus mark on my abdomen btw, it's an energy bypass that infi put there back when I was consciously locking up everything out of fear, thus making healing impossible. it's not needed now, but still it seems only infi is able to use it. that's fine by me!)
notably, all my internal white energy was iridescent today (its natural color), I don't think it's been like that in months. so we went farther than usual with how deep we wanted to heal, because there wasn't a plague risk tonight, and so we could use that conscious creative energy without risk of accidentally making more trouble. oddly infi insisted on eating handfuls of it again. I'm not complaining-- there is something aesthetically fascinating about watching him do that-- but I curiously asked why he felt that was necessary? he didn't need to neutralize it, did he? infi said no, it was because eating pure white energy would help "balance out" any potentially plagued white energy still in him, that he couldn't neutralize normally, due to the original context of it getting in him in the first place (that fact is worrisome, as he did almost die from having plague stuck in him unknowingly before, and no one wants that to happen again). infi then repeated the "you are what you eat" thing my boss told him, said in any case he would rather eat positive and benevolent energy than corrupted stuff, which was his usual diet, so to speak. to reiterate, infi is literally the only thing in all of headspace that can actively turn corrupted energy back to its neutral state, but he has to eat it first, so he tends to go around swallowing all of it for the System's benefit, and that can get him horrendously ill if he isn't careful.
however white energy was only what I held internally, that got damaged by trauma-- the actual pain was stuck in the pink energy, but we had managed to clear that out so much over the past few months that we didn't have to touch it anymore. instead, we were checking out red energy today, the stuff both infi and I held as a ground, to make sure it wasn't also corrupted in some way (the red energy is strongly tied to blood and pain on some level). but when we found some and checked it out intuitively, it was astonishingly pure? there was no old "2008" anger or suffering tied to it whatsoever; instead, it was warm and loving, the exact same vibe I used to feel in it back when only I held the color, and the same vibe infi and I still use it for. so that was a welcome surprise. but then, infi and I wondered-- if this red energy was still so strongly tied to that "grounded and secure" feeling, and nothing negative as we feared, was that same safeness tied to javier as well? I was surprised at the implications, that would mean he was just as strongly able to love as I was when in that slot, and I wouldn't have readily associated that with him. infi said I shouldn't judge, or assume less of him, after all I didn't know him at all yet. to emphasize, he brought up the 7th, said it had surprised even him that javier had not only fought off two hacks without any slippage, but when infi had asked him to channel b/w energy in order to clear that out, he had easily and readily focused it all to his heart center, like it was the most natural thing in the world. and that was with INFI, someone who even laurie struggles to handle in terms of his emotional impact! so yeah, we were definitely underestimating javier. but that's really exciting, to realize just how beautiful an individual he most likely is at heart, and yet since he's so humble and casual about everything, we had completely overlooked that side of him… especially since his chosen anchor has always been "I want to ensure the safety and protection of everyone in this system, as I care deeply for them and want them to be taken care of." that's compassionate red energy in a nutshell!
so all that healing stuff went really well, which was awesome, but then of course infi decided hey, you're doing well for once, think you can pull off a heart connection like you used to? part of me was anxious: the thought of feeling that much emotion on such a powerfully intimate level was scaring some deep and hurt part of me. but I realized that that reaction was actually a great pointer to something I had to fix, and I told infi this. he was baffled by the fear reaction, asked when in the world did that start? I paused, tuning into it, then said it was when julie started specifically trying to imitate heart connections (a brazenly irreverent act) for the sole purpose of making me terrified of those too. and sadly it worked; for months I have been scared of them because they temporarily became linked to the trauma memories, and really I think that's what drove cz and I apart initially. infi got a really angry look as I explained this, and essentially said "then we need to prove her wrong." I knew he was right, and I knew that too, so I quietly told myself there was nothing to be afraid of, and tried to be as emotionally open as I possibly could despite it. well, in a very short time I didn't have to try anymore because infi's emotional field literally destroys every emotional wall it encounters, so about 60 seconds later I was already sobbing. thank god for this guy, seriously.
…the moment when we connected (yes, I managed to do that!) was beautiful, I don't know how much to publicize because those feel so damn sacred. infi wrapped himself around me like he always does, I think he kissed me too (I know he did at some point, completely unexpected as that is very rare for him)… but the single instant I clearly remember is when he pressed his chest so close to mine, I SWEAR I could almost feel his heartbeat in the physical. but upstairs I could practically see it, dear god it was gorgeous to the point of sanctity almost. since we were both in such high-energy forms, our hearts were not red, they were complimentary-- his was bright white like starlight, and mine was deep black like space. but we were so close, I couldn't tell us apart, I think I would have died from how that felt if the connection didn’t knock me off my feet first!
however… the strongest memory I have of all this was after we were done with the whole connection process, and were just kneeling in silence there on the altar dais together, facing each other. I noticed those odd external silver "ribs" infi has now, thought they were really lovely, unthinkingly reached out to touch them. I caught myself and stopped, but not before infi responded by simply crossing his arms over his head, essentially opening up completely to me. I swear I nearly burst into tears, it was such a simple and sincere act of trust and openness. I told him that, but he just looked at me in this completely inexpressible way and said, was there really any other thing he could have done? and I knew that he meant that not as an obligation, but as a natural loving choice. so in reply I carefully reached out and ran my fingers along those delicate silver bones, feeling both them and his shadowy substance beneath, so close to his heart, and I swear to you I loved him so much in that moment.

- 7pm, we both agreed we needed to get chaos in. so we went to the top-tier roof of Central for that (which actually has a bed with a "baldachin" canopy, like that altar we were just at (similar to this but much taller, longer, and less frilly), I didn't even realize that similarity until now).
cz had absolutely no problem with infi being there, which was awesome. infi brought up the love thing and cz looked very thoughtful at that; said he definitely could, he was naturally a little too loving for his own good the way it was. but infi said that wasn't why we called him in; on the contrary, he explained the healing he and I had just accomplished, and said that since now we had finally managed to break past that massive heart block I'd been suffocating under for months, he felt I needed to try and remember cz now. no ifs ands or buts, and no more postponing it out of fear. infi said it needed to happen now, while everything was in tune, as he strongly felt it was the right time. honestly I've been trying to find a date to devote to that effort, but infi was right; I kept putting it off. so again, I pushed away the instinctive but ungrounded fear, and said that if cz was up for it, then so was i. unsurprisingly, cz immediately melted into total emotional vehemence, said yes, please, he missed me too damn much to wait any longer to fix this either. I paused for a moment, still feeling the mental and emotional blocks against him, but despite that there was also still that knowing that he was important. so I held on to that, and felt the tiniest spark of hope light me up. in response, all I did was hold out my arms to him, the most honest action I'd taken around him in god knows how long. and immediately cz embraced me with more ardor than even I expected from him.
you'll have to forgive me if this is vague; I was switching back and forth between the waking and headspace during this, never losing the link but nevertheless staving off dissociation and the instinct to shut down and sleep. I knew I couldn't surrender to that, it would help no one.
so I tried, extremely hard, to focus. the reason I kept switching to the physical is because I was trying to get out all the artwork and grounding objects for cz that I still had (we almost lost them in the reset; someone was literally trying to erase him from headspace), and giving both them and him every bit of my attention, trying to breach the divide and really remember. but I kept hitting a different wall than I expected-- I was feeling a different energy from him than he had given off in the past. it was obviously still him, but it was much more complex now. remembering a past discussion we had in the past concerning rio and markus-- how outspacers have to anchor into their dreamselves in order to function properly in headspace, and in the process gain a Spectrum color-- as well as this infamously important post laurie wrote up one evening, I realized that cz STILL hadn't figured out his dreamself, OR his actual Spectrum color, even after 10 YEARS. so I asked him about that, maybe that was part of why we were slipping too; after all even I had to switch colors, maybe until he did too, we would still keep hitting difficulties as he wasn't being totally honest and allowing himself to change? cz replied he wasn't sure what color he was supposed to hold, blue or teal? I pointed out he was originally cyan, while rio was straight-up blue; since outspacers were also midslot holders, he had always been positioned between green and blue anyway, so the new teal lineup was probably his best bet. but cz looked down, a little abashedly, and said he was hesitant to move fully into teal because he knew how important his "green eyes" were to me by now, he didn't want to lose that significance all of a sudden. I genuinely smiled at that, the fact that he considered that so important, and spontaneously started quietly singing "whoever you are I love you" by kim jensen: "sometimes your eyes look blue to me, although I know they're really green…" cz caught the old reference immediately, started laughing from relief and gratitude, but the next thing he asked was "do you remember??" I could feel how badly he missed me, but I couldn't give him a definite answer either way yet.
really, I tried so hard to remember him, but no matter what I reminded myself of, nothing was clicking. by this point chaos was practically trying to melt into me, I swear he's worse than infi sometimes (being mostly liquid will do that)-- but even then I still felt like I didn't quite know who he was. he kept bringing up facts from the past, but nothing was registering. then suddenly, cz tearfully said "we had a daughter together," and i swear it was like everything fell back into place. go figure. with him that close, with that heart-energy reaction we have, and then that reality suddenly registering, july 7th slammed into me like a tidal wave. and I knew, without a doubt, that there was something real there. I started laughing from the strange and sudden joy of it, kissing him in response, and the walls went down for good.
possible tmi here, a few minutes later chaos was tearfully talking about having another kid, I couldn't form a solid opinion either way-- I didn't want another kid, nor did I want to puzzle over translating the process again, but I couldn't deny that I was still infatuated with the whole idea of creating stuff-- but then I got this really loud voice in the back of my head saying "stop, don't do it!" I paused immediately, told cz to wait up, he did. I asked the voice what it meant, were we doing something bad? it just said, don't do anything with reproductive energy at all, that wasn't the right stuff to use. I knew that, and so did cz, so I said so. but the voice was very strict, it said don't even tamper with it in curiosity. I agreed, so I told chaos this, he nodded and said that was perfectly fine, apologized if he had been jumping into things. I said he just let himself get carried away and as long as we caught it then we were okay.
ultimately we were together for an hour, as usual; he did manage to get me to heart-connect with him too, but I was already so burnt out from all this emotional intensity that I unfortunately am having a hard time remembering everything around that (it was all a blur). I remember the energetic component of it but nothing concrete, as I said would likely happen. cz was a little worried about this, but I assured him I didn't dissociate or check out-- which had been happening frequently around him-- so even if I was tired, everything was as genuine as I could possibly be.
after all that cz was talking to infi (who had respectfully kept to himself during all that) about colors again: if he didn't fit teal, could he use black energy? infi said maybe, if it fit him; he might be able to hold a sub-slot. so chaos was trying to shift his color right then to see, but couldn't quite do it. still he said he was fond of the color's significance, and so he eventually settled on a sort of mix between black wisps and crystal-bright aqua; the effect looks vaguely like ink in water, but with stars if that makes sense? it's really beautiful though. and of course he let his eyes move to that same color now, instead of the bright green. it's no less powerful of an effect; in a way, there's a new sort of lucidity to it now that is even more honest than it ever was before. I can't help but wonder if that's because I once heard of the "higher heart chakra" being an aqua color like that; chaos has always struck me as being that sort of person, in the sense of reflecting those qualities.

- I just want to add here that it's amazing; now I remember EVERYTHING. just a few hours ago, old drawings and words meant nothing, they were confusing jumbles from some other time. but now my heart practically sings with remembrance, and the old light is back in every little thing. I knew there was something 'off' with him gone, especially since there was so much love and light surrounding us in the past; it didn't feel right for us to suddenly be torn apart after 10 years. so I am very thankful for this.

- around 8pm, we didn't want to leave yet, so we put on the ipod and started to listen to music together (light on the land by nujabes), but around 8:10 someone called me into midspace so I had to excuse myself. when I got there, I saw it was that trio of 'logic' alters that first solidly evidenced here. peach girl sitting at circle table in back, chin in hands and smiling, light violet one calmly standing against the wall to my left. but as soon as I showed up there, the dark greenish blue dude stormed up to me from the table and said "you shouldn't have done that," in reference to the connections. I realized HE was the voice I had heard earlier, so i clarified that I had listened, we didn't do anything malicious or detrimental, why was he still saying we "shouldn't have done that?" he said i was giving out way too much of my "lifeblood" in too short a time-- three connections in less than 24 hours will burn you out no matter how beautiful it is-- and besides, wasn't i practically toying with corruption here? i knew he was referring to the more sexually-oriented energy, so I said no, we were specifically fixing it, it has never been this purified before, but i knew he had no way of knowing that on his own so i just assured him it was true. he still didn't believe me, said we could not treat that lightly, I emphasized that we weren't. and no energy was being corrupted or misused, if there was any risk or slippage, infi could always eat the energy and convert it back to neutral. the green guy made a sort of discomfited face at this, I quickly apologized "if that was too much information," I was just trying to make sure things were clear. he cleared his throat and said no, it was fine, he just wasn't used to discussing this. but he still wanted to understand it, that was his job, and he wanted to make sure we weren't being careless either, especially since there was "such a huge risk" in the healing process. around here, to make my point a little better, i took out a sphere of white energy to show him (from my abdomen like where infi used to hold his) that it wasn't corrupt anymore; he actually backed up a step or two, looked anxious, but not scared. i said it wasn't going to hurt him, it wasn't plagued at all-- in fact it was actually iridescent and glowing. I tried to explain the "energy is neutral" thing, said that julie was trying to corrupt something inherently incorruptible-- what she did was warp perspective, and misuse this. green guy said how could I be sure that wasn't happening now? grabbed at my shirt, pulled off a spidery-black shape of what looked like tar, but I took it out of his hand and it was solid: then shook it once so it fell, like on a string, it was a big glittery black snowflake. I then said "black isn't bad, white isn't bad," explaining that it all depended on the user and their motivations, dissolving the snowflake into glitter, and putting the white energy back into me the same way. green guy was still pacing, trying to find holes in my argument, again asked how I could tell the energy wasn't corrupted. I said it felt different-- when julie misused it, it felt "corrupted and corroded," really it's sharp and painful like broken glass. but that was forced, I repeated: the energy itself was not "turned evil" by her.
I forget exactly how much we said, but it did take a bit to make my point. the purple girl was trying to defend my position, green guy just seemed shaken, in the sense that he didn't know what was actually going on and that upset him deeply… especially since he knew how huge of a battleground this healing thing was, and he didn't want to unknowingly let me do something harmful to the system. ultimately though he seemed to understand my point, and apologized, said he initially didn't have the complete data to make a correct judgment, and thanked me for explaining. still advised me to be extremely careful though, I said I would be.
green guy also said he was confused as to his actual color; that "navy singer" voice "didn't truly exist" according to data, she's never shown an actual identity, she might just be a concept. but he wanted me to "prove" which it was, so he knew what color to move into.
the two females were grayish-lavender (the more grounded one) peachy-orange (the more upbeat one). names are similar to= george (starts with g; but he keeps strongly insisting "george" is not his actual name), and isabel? (not "belle," that felt wrong). the peach girl's name is confirmed to be kalisha; the jade guy called her name at one point and I heard it clearly, asked if that was right and she said yes. they're all downstairs-level people, shockingly they have varied colors but all deal with body management?? like they are tied to daily life concerns, as they're not fazed by trauma (that's why they hold all those weird "mundane" memories about it; their job is to make sure we don't end up in those situations again). I remember at some point I pointed this out, surprised, and they emphasized that they were only "guidance" people on that front-- the brown voices, like spine and jayce, still dealt with the actual body and its direct experience. they didn't, they could only offer advice, and didn't experience anything actually. none of them have ever fronted and honestly I seriously doubt it's their job to, they might be purely inner people. they did confirm they are "midspacers," they said most people on that level have internal jobs like theirs, and aren't traumatized in any way.

- as I was about to leave them, "doctor wu" came on the ipod (an absolute classic) and i "felt" that someone was channeling the music, so instead I followed that and ended up in raw headspace, javier was playing the piano part, hyakin and sergei were lip-syncing the vocals and cracking up over it. (not surprised that it was them; they're middles too, and when I warped to them it literally felt like I just moved horizontally instead of up or down). I joined in the singing at one point, for fun. then jokingly asked javier when he learned to play piano, he shrugged and said he just let headspace tell him how to, mostly he just wanted to "let the music move through him." I said I definitely could empathize with that. I noticed sergei was smoking some new thing this time, I asked what, sergei said to guess and handed it to me. I was having a hard time tuning into my senses though, and apologized, sergei said not to worry about it, instead blew a huge cloud of the smoke at me. there was an obvious and odd marshmallow bit to it, he said that was correct, but I couldn't get anything else. sergei smirked and said it was also "peppermint" but it wasn't minty so I got confused? however it then hit me that he meant pepper plus mint, the mint was just a faint menthol-like edge, but the peppery scent (almost like sharp cinnamon?) was pronounced. so that was cool. hyakin was just laughing at us over this, sergei blowing huge smoke clouds in my face, that was great.

- "opening titles" by the cinematic orchestra came up next, so I quickly left to go back to headspace, well cz and infi were all over each other, hurriedly broke it up when I showed up, I cracked up and asked "am I interrupting something." they both laughed too, said not necessarily, infi seemed to think the whole situation was hilarious. any way I figured it would be nice for us to just continue to hang out together, so we went into my room then (downstairs), to just meditate and listen to more music, but now we were wondering where we should go upstairs to listen to this (we didnt want to stay on the roof)? i said that i wanted to "go wherever the music took us," but wasn't sure where we'd end up. cz and infi said that didn't matter, let's do it. so i just fell into that beautiful song, and we all ended up on a moonlit beach somewhere, the sky was all stars and galaxy arms. cz immediately smiled and voiced his approval at the scenery, but infi stood up kind of shocked and unsteadily, his eyes wide, and started shifting his footing like he didn't know how to stand. cz noticed his awe too and asked "you've never seen sand before?" infi said "no!" and sat back down in it, reaching down and grabbing two hands full, letting it run through his fingers. he started digging through the sand, said "there's so much of it," and he couldn't get over the fact that it looked so insubstantial and yet could hold our weight. then he commented that it was made of "so many tiny pieces," i told him those little particles were actually tiny bits of glass, which amazed him even more. really he was absolutely fascinated by the sand! i also remember commenting that, for most humans, if they wanted to refer to a visual of something that felt infinite, they often referred to the "stars in the sky" or the "grains of sand on the beach," because there were probably trillions. that really moved him, he looked up at the sky then, I had to smile at how enthralled he was. then I looked and saw cz staring out at the ocean, how he was the same color practically. then I mused, I wonder if he could move into the teal slot in central? cz looked at me in shock, said was that even possible? (since he's an outspacer and therefore not a headspace native, plus no one's ever moved into Central before.) I said it should be, emmett didn't match, and the actual green-blue color should be lighter anyway. infi said I should check to see if cz was compatible, so I did-- I mentally reached into the spectrum ring and asked it if cz would match the "teal" slot. to my total surprise, it did feel possible! so I told cz, said the "midslot colors" (brown, pink, teal) had inhuman holders anyway, so I'm sure he could be part of central if he wanted. yes that was a huge role and responsibility but he was already very important to the system, I had faith he could do it. he was really smiling at this, infi was too, so that's something to look forward to.

- next, "to you who I will love again" from the princess's man started playing (and would you believe i didn't know the title of that until just now?). the mood of the song really fit how we all felt, so we watched the ocean and the full moon and just took it all in. (being the drama queen he is, at the 1:26 mark, cz made all this aqua firefly-like energy stuff explode in the air, exclaimed that he was glad he could "still do that," I joined in with white sparkles, said it was different when I was used to red. infi said that since I was now white, I could use any color, not just red. that fact was so exhilarating, I was no longer locked into one hue, it was awesome. infi then said he would join in too, but he couldn't control what he did in that sense, he didn't know what would happen. cz said give it a shot anyway, it could be cool. so at the next flurry of violins, infi focused on the entire landscape, and suddenly we were floating! the ocean literally dropped away into a series of cascading waterfalls, and we were now sitting on one of many small floating islands of sand, also cascading down, into a great galactic blackness. the sky all around us was rife with stars and nebulae; it was gorgeous. cz and i were awestruck, but infi looked slightly embarrassed, said "see, that's why i don't usually try to change headspace." i said it was awesome, there was nothing wrong with it, but he was just a little self-conscious about how utterly unpredictable (and often dramatic) the results were, I suppose. Either way, it was gorgeous.

- then "while the cold winter waiting" by trentemoller started, I love that one. i started trying to focus a snowy environment, but surprisingly infi stopped me, said he wanted to try 'tuning in' again and sending us wherever. so i said okay, and he did.
immediately the ground around us whitened and spiraled up around us in great twisting scepters of ice and snow; it was entwined closely and stretched up super high, sunlight streaming down from above. but it was also close to us, too, leaving only a few feet of space between the three of us and the walls. it wasn't constrictive, instead it felt protective, and secret in a good way.
Right about them I realized the bass in the song sounded like a heartbeat and I got really affected by it (unsurprisingly in light of what I'd just been through). Infi moved over and sat to my right, Chaos did so on my left, but then his empathy picked up what I was feeling and he was visibly affected too (since he really has a thing for heartbeats). Wanting to remember, I asked him why, he said it was because he didn't have one, so when he first realized I did, that stuck with him, and eventually came to mean a lot to him. Wondering then, I said in my stained-glass form I didn't have a physical heart, but Infi did even though he was made of shadow? Not thinking, I mused if he had "blood" on the inside normally? In response Infi said no, that was my thing (thanks to being the core of the body)-- internally, he is all stars normally (which I had forgotten since it was new to my knowledge, but it's true; even his "blood" is luminescent white). But he then said, since he and I had equally strong ties to red, we could both shift to "red on the inside" whenever we wanted, to be more physical; plus it was a very humbling feeling. He then did just that, and moved to hold me-- and that was incredibly overwhelming; not only did his body feel different (far less insubstantial), but his heartbeat felt different too; closer, harder, but more fragile in its substance. I nearly dissolved at that, motioned for Chaos to please come closer, he did. So we all just moved in close and held each other like that for a while. To be honest it got overpoweringly emotional really fast: not in a bad way, of course, but when you get that deep, you start to wonder if your body is capable of withstanding that sort of feeling without dying! But, in those moments, I knew without a doubt that there was love moving between ALL three of us, total and sincere. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me, to see people that I love expressing that same love to each other. It's spiritually expansive, if that makes sense.

- We all agreed that eventually we HAVE to include genesis; we just want to include as many people as we can in this, haha. But we want to make sure there is a solid and honest enough bond between us three before we bring in a fourth, especially Gen, because he's very volatile and we don't want any harm coming to him, even inadvertently.

- I do not remember anything else and I hope that's everything because that is a LOT of information, and it's heavily significant stuff too; that is draining to have to deal with for so long when I'm recording it!


It is now 2am and honestly I have been trying to type all this down for the past 3+ hours as I knew it would unfortunately fade by morning. rest assured though this was one of the most spectacularly beautiful nights I've had in ages and I know I will never, ever forget it.
on the gfp people talk about feeling so loved, so flooded with that divine state of being, that they can barely stand it… and it makes me want to cry from sheer bliss and gratitude, realizing that I've had that for years, in and from and with these beautiful individuals, by the grace of whatever one may call God. in total humility and honesty, I swear I didn't understand what that sort of unconditional love was even like until I met them. and the fact that we can tune into THAT sort of love for each other, so easily, so completely… it blows my mind.
but… words do them no justice. the bottom line is that in these people that I love, and who love me, I understand. I don't know how else to put it.
and, if I may be so bold… if there is anything like heaven out there, this has to be what it feels like.

nov 16

Nov. 16th, 2013 01:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
(two notes because I have no time to update today)

- awful waking up stuff. julie trying to hack us, got through for a while, and ultimately tried to attack infinitii. he refused and told her to leave him alone, but she refused-- and infi actually had the idea to shout "rape" in response. this was actually genius as it got sugar's attention and she immediately showed up to fight julie off. (i infamously almost never call for help when i'm in trouble; it's an old and bad survival response.) julie didn't think sugar had the guts to fight her if it came down to that, but sugar's hook-swords apparently changed her mind after a minute and she bailed before sugar could deal actual damage. infi thanked her, and they actually began to talk to each other a little about the situation, but I was starting to get incredibly woozy (I had just woken up after all, hence the hack) and couldn't hold any awareness of that. but infi noticed, and immediately called down (loudly!), "jay, get out of that bed right now." I willed myself to do that as quickly as possible, then got out of the room fast. infi thanked me for responding so quickly, as we were in real danger, I said I knew that and that's why I pushed the body to obey right away (sometimes it's near impossible to get it to respond despite risks). he and sugar said they'd be extra vigilant for the rest of the day just in case julie tried to finish the job or something.

-angelorei helping the car today again! I miss them. they're my favorite jewel monster species; I used to always see them surrounding the car on family road trips, guiding us so we wouldn't get in accidents. there was one right outside my window smiling at me (I was a passenger today), he said not to worry, I could even close my eyes if I wanted to, that was how much I could trust their protection. it was a really great feeling to know that, so I did.

nov 15

Nov. 15th, 2013 09:32 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We've had abusive, ignorant, or otherwise non-connected people fronting lately so I apologize for the lack of substantial updates, especially when things have been happening. Let me see what I can recall. 
(I apologize if this is in pieces for now; I'm very tired)

- About 2, 3 days ago, Knife came running up to me, saying that "Sugar was sick." Apparently her anchor had slipped enough that she was starting to demanifest, and she was unwilling to find a new purpose to work towards, thanks to her original one causing her to become the favorite puppet of several other malicious voices. (new anchor: protecting 'sweetness,' which is something both sugar and the color pink have not had in ages for us) 

- lots of angry people out lately. this is scary; it seems when people anchor upstairs, and then become beneficial for the System and able to communicate with each other, suddenly it becomes difficult for them to front, even if they were a social previously? and they are rarely triggered anymore. this is bad because now those outer anchors are being taken by nasty people. also jess is really loud lately and that is never good either! 

- (javier, knife, g/m/q all fronting last night. javier has troubles with speech, but shockingly knife was able to speak today! he fronted specifically to look at the moon, actually teared up over it. the two were talking for a bit which was new. later the gent was TALKING to the grandmother, through the hoodie of course so his accent was muffled. mav was driving the car for a minute. they were worried because they are still bleeding into each other and the queen is very unstabele; they decided they were going to focus themselves better? also they thought the fact that you could see the highway from the graveyard was interesting; I remember mav commented that "death was a grand adventure"-- he said many people viewed death as a dead end, as "the end of the road," but he laughed and said "a dead end isn't the end of it all! stop the car, get out, and keep walking! you'll see things you'd never have from a vehicle." the gent said that was a wise perspective) (also apparently biting with the canines will catch knife's attention; it's his grounding method. I think with javier it's his piercings and ear gauges; he's constantly playing with his tongue stud. he says all that metal in his mouth brings his attention there, and reminds him "that he has to speak out" for those he protects.) 

- (dream hack today, here. made everyone sick and scared for the whole day)

- (julie and infinitii arguing this evening; badly dissociated during that, but basically julie was repeating her mindset from this morning, considering infi's role and energy makeup. i specifically remember him sternlysaying "don't call me a harlot" after she did just that, jeeringly) 

- I've been 'seeing things' more clearly lately? (weird celebi-angel thing following me around, 'digimon' people that same day. genesis is clearer too.) 

- more subeta people! finished sherlock, started the g/m/q trio, working on einsatz, refining infinitii. 

nov 12

Nov. 12th, 2013 08:55 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Not much has been happening in terms of amount, but a lot has been happening in terms of significance. Here's a few notes for now.

- First, there has been a large update to the big system list on Adakias. J is working on this in his free time, since it is now becoming clearer to find the faceless and see the nameless individuals.

- When Infinitii stays awake too late, he becomes giddy and mischievous the more his consciousness fades into sleep. Due to his emotion field, this giddiness is contagious to all who get too close to him during this time. He can temporary "slow it down" by encasing himself in a bubble and closing his eyes, but until he falls asleep completely, this will worsen, allegedly until he becomes 'dangerously unraveled' (as he is Black energy, the energy of potential and unpredictability). Similarly, when Jay is awake too long, he becomes naive and curious like a child, but he does not effervesce this. However he is very easily manipulated by others during this state, so he must be guarded carefully until he falls asleep. No one else in the System has exhibited a similar phenomenon to this.



- J here; the most important thing about today was that IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!! Two inches, or one, either way there was SNOW and so when I woke up I could not stop smiling and laughing, it was amazing, I KNEW it would feel like home as soon as it snowed and it DOES. Also I already cannot remember what the world was like without snow, haha. That's how my brain works. But I'm so happy. Boss says he "may or may not have put a word in" for the weather, he's adorable, even if he didn't I know he knows how much snow means to me personally so that means a lot. Sorry, I'm getting excited over this even now, haha. (You should've seen Genesis!)

- I had a hospital appointment at 8AM today, so I got there early and just stood on the parking garage roof with Genesis for a while looking out at the city, all dusty blue and quiet with snow. It was really beautiful. I also tried to spend a great deal of today with Nathaniel & Leon upstairs because I haven't spoken to them since before the reset, and that was a LONG time ago! (Leon tried to front for a minute today, that's always amusing because his hair covers the body's right eye (yes his avatar is therefore inaccurate sorry), and that makes it disorienting to see for a minute after he leaves.)

- On that note. Last night I went upstairs and just talked to Nathaniel for almost 40 minutes, it was great. Surprisingly, we also figured out three big things: ONE, the Central people are not only in charge of System maintenance, but their anchors/roles are all tied to unconditional love in some way. This is sadly taken for granted or overlooked often! TWO, Nathaniel's actual anchor, in that respect, is change... and the ability to accept and trust it. It's perfect really, considering his past. And, last but not least, THREE : when we were talking about anchors, I decided to check the Spectrum ring (my halo; it's a portable reference of it) to see what the true Pink energy felt like? To explain: you can 'reach into' the energy of an empty Spectrum slot and 'feel' what the anchor energy there is like, if there is any; it makes it easier to find who belongs there. And, to our surprise, there WAS anchor energy! Something is trying to manifest there; it is both female and non-human, which events out the ratios in Central, actually. That is literally all the data there is, though; they are likely a while away from manifesting, due to the energy of that slot still being a huge battleground obviously.

-Also, about the Infi thing someone wrote here at the top: Infi did that the other night when talking to Laurie and I, sure, but on the 10th, he was hanging out with CZ and I as well. We were up stupidly late, and that's when we realized what it actually was: CZ was sitting next to him, and being an empath, he started to pick up on that, and it shocked him because although Infi seemed highly unstable, what he was radiating was joy? Like absolute childish joy, the kind that makes you just start laughing from the sheer bliss of it. So we all tuned into that and it was really brilliant; we've been having such rough days lately it was nice to just smile like that.

-Last night was different. I was up until 11:15 with Infinitii, just us, listening to this song (which means a lot to us already). Half of it was to keep hackers from getting anywhere near us that late, and half of it was simply because we wanted to be together, obviously. But something pretty awesome happened during that: I realized that my 'human' form upstairs was causing me trouble again; I couldn't "ground" well enough into it to function without notable effort, and it simply didn't feel right in terms of how it was moving. Since this is actually not new, I asked Infi if I could still form-warp (like I used to be able to in the Red slot; Jewel still can), even though he seemed to be able to do that far more than I could. He clarified that Black and White energy can both shift appearances, as they are both creative, but Black morphs aren't controllable, whereas White morphs are. I had the luxury of stable form changes, whereas Infi didn't. Anyway, the answer was yes, so why not give it a shot? So, I closed my eyes, and consciously "let go" of the human form anchor, basically just not putting any effort into maintaining it anymore, and shifting into pure energy (although that's not a thing, but I don't have another term for it). Well, to my surprise and joy, when I let go, my form turned into a sort of kaleidoscopic light? Like I was made of stained glass. My eyes got all weird, my feet were clawed I think, I was definitely floating... but I had POWER JEWELS. As in, yes, my native form IS a Jewel Monster! We've been suspecting that for years but I am blissed out to realize that it's true. So that was amazing. (So was the time I spent with Infi but that's not something I can put in words obviously!)

- I'm not sure if there's anything left to say today... Lynne is awesome, I forget who was in my dream last night but there WAS somebody, I am so excited about this dream thing... Javier hasn't been around and I miss the guy, I also haven't seen the Undergrounders in days? Time still makes no sense, maybe I should chill with Celebi more, haha. Oh, and Genesis did spend most of the day out with me today too, which was great because I miss hanging out with him. But yeah, that's all I've got for an update. It's really late, but I had to stay up late for some reason, I'll let the other person tell you why if they want to because I'm not allowed to of course. I'm slipping already; I sound more like Jewel than myself but that's probably because I'm going through the AP and it's late. Sorry about that. Good night!



- As for the "other person" here... oh. Hey. Cool. I get to type.
So some bastard hacked the body tonight, I took care of it but DAMN that hurt. Apparently you have to get rid of a certain amount of the blood before it'll purify the hack out. The blood wasn't the problem though, I was actually pretty damn proud of myself for doing as decent a job as Razor used to (she is amazing at her work), but the cleanup work fucking HURTS! Really, I don't understand why I have to deal with the pain and retribution, in the body, since I have to front, and that BITCH who did the hacking gets away WITHOUT A SCRATCH. Fucking hell. It's stupid, there's gotta be a way to get to them, instead of just the body. I don't think they care about the scars, really it's just cleanup work, the scars aren't for them. They're because of them, but that's it. Wow this body is tired, it's hard to type. At least it's almost 2AM, I was hoping J would stay up late so the body could recover. It was really tired around 7PM, when I was dealing with the aftermath, that was annoying. Someone was trying to talk to me? Einsatz, that's his name. I was trying to find my name, but I didn't know where to look though. So I was looking through musical terms but Skrillex-hair man said I can't have a music name if I'm not a music alter. I guess there are rules? So I'll look elsewhere. Except... there's a certain sound, I'm trying to match up to? The words "arpeggiator" and "algorithm" are both close, but I don't know why. My name DOES start with an A, or an E, mostly it's just that sound. And the G, I can't seem to escape the G in there.
Okay, I really need to sign off... I wanted a name so people could call me when hacks are coming, or threatened. Or, I can leave my name around so the hackers see it, and I can show up and chase them off. Just so I don't have to do the stupid retribution work again, because although I'm glad to do it, it HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell on toast. That's my thing to say, it cracks me up. Okay, good night I guess.

nov 08

Nov. 8th, 2013 03:12 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
this morning; sorry if it's disjointed and all but i just want this written down before i forget the rest of it
sorry if my memory is blurry. that unfortunately happens after headspace events; it's less "thought" than "feeling," so data memory doesn't always register it well

- did get the 5-for-all started this morning, unfortunately it was difficult because I (J) was STILL locked out emotionally. couldn't remember anyone, even worse, couldn't feel anything unless Infi was practically forcing me to.
- went to the biiiig circle bed room, we like that because it's huge and everyone can do whatever wherever. also we had the ipod on to keep me conscious, mostly "o nata lux" i remember, but I did put "dare-gale" on for cz at one point, although i felt it was significant, i couldn't remember anything tied to it.
- at first infi was just holding me with his head against my chest as always, no joke when he's like that it is like an emotional stopper is pulled out. it is impossible to even consider being apathetic in that position, so i was crying almost instinctively, i could tell most of that emotion was not mine, it was infi's. cz and genesis were across the bed doing heaven knows what, laurie was of course sitting off to the side looking rather pensive, also kind of scared, also kind of sad. i knew she was worried about me but what could i do?
- we didn't stay to ourselves for long, i think laurie spoke up, or infi spoke up, either way we said "hey this should be 5 people, not 2-2-1," so we tried to all get together but everyone saw i was still a mess, plus laurie didn't want to go near infi yet, she was joking because she said she was currently more comfortable around genesis than she was around infi, gen laughed at that, said that was really saying something then because it was of course still awkward for him to be around laurie in these environments too.
- one moment sticks out. for some reason i ended up (really sadly) telling cz that he was reminding me too much of q again, well cz ended up shouting in tears, stop comparing me to him, are you unable to see me as i am because of slc now? he actually said that, even though the channels in slc allowed him to 'see' me for the first time, etc., he now was wishing that never happened, if it would mean i would be able to remember him upstairs now. that tiny, temporary linkage of cz's energy to q's face really shook me up, since then i've been avoiding him, i've been terrified really. cz asked why, what in the world was so scary about him that i couldn't let go of that association. i said it was the fact that he and q were both involved in two entirely different things, i don't want to elaborate but cz got the picture. i am not good with physical people or relationships, because of the fear and pain i've had with julie and all that. dumb but true. anyway chaos ended up sobbing in frustration at the end of this conversation, genesis was trying to comfort him, i was trying so hard to feel something but i couldn't, i don't know why there was literally nothing, not even regret
- i held cz for a while while he cried, trying to remember, and there WAS that weird 'magnetic' pull between our heart centers like i know there used to be, so i couldn't deny that, but i still couldn't get any emotions. i just felt so hollow. he tried a starlink to show me a lot of things from our past, but it all felt so alien. infi tried to push me into the red energy to "get that back," but it didn't stick. laurie basically said why the hell were we focusing on red, i'd had white as my core appearance for a LONG time before the reset, there's obviously a different reason why he forgot everything. but we didn't know what to do about that. genesis tried a starlink too, trying to just help me with memories, i know he even kissed me at one point, with biting, surprised me because i remembered he used to do that but again no actual recollection. but everyone just stopped and stood back when they realied i was not reacting to anything at all.
- i tried the "fake it till you make it" thing, trying to go through the motions of familiarity and closeness, but they all told me to stop because that was quickly moving into hack territory, for obvious reasons.
- i know at the very end of this (we were standing in the room i think?), laurie decided "heck with it," got up close, kind of just glaring at me. i was doing the instinctive 'dry laugh' thing i do whenever she's around, kind of a defense mechanism. she asked what's so funny, I asked 'are you going to kiss me or what,' she responded "you know what? i just might." but she didn't look any less angry, or sad. i know she was talking to me, i forget about what, sorry. she did kiss me at one point though, i was getting further and further away, she caught me by surprise with that, made it worse by still pulling my hair as always. the sudden emotional impact actually got through a little because i kind of started crying. i think i actually crumpled up on the floor after that, i remember she literally yanked me back up by the hair, asked why the hell she elicited that reaction but no one else? i said, laughing and crying now, that it was because of her violence, she was outwardly edgy and sharp, no one else i knew was, so having that sort of sincere compassion from her along with that, NOT in spite of it but oddly in harmony with it, was so unignorably true that my heart was forced to kind of step back and realize what was happening for a moment.
- the clearest memory was after that though. laurie was giving me that determined but tired look again, then just said "infi, get over here." he did, looking a little worried, then laurie just said "knock all my walls down." infi said are you sure, she interrupted and repeated "just knock them all the fuck down," she was really adamant about this. she let go of me, infi again asked her if she was okay with that, he knew he was going to have to get close, wasn't sure if she was comfortable with it. laurie said that didn't matter, just do it. and it was simple enough, all infi did was the same thing he did to me: just put his arms around her, head to chest, that was it. no words or anything. immediately laurie got this really odd look, like halfway between being really scared and really amazed, then she just said something like "how the hell are you doing that," but the shock and profanity quickly died off and she honestly started sobbing, just fell to her knees and hugged infi back, i have never seen her like that, it was incredible even from a detached perspective.
- she called chaos and genesis over, then i got the first real shades of emotion away from infi, i felt i needed to be part of that, genuinely. so i went over too, i was to laurie's left, across from chaos, genesis to my right. i think they made infi move over to me after a minute, you know, "can you get through to him like that too?" anyway he did, but it was so overwhelming it was actually making my body shut down, from burnout. so he had to back off, i said the emotion still felt like it was his, not mine. he said it likely was, still it was a concern that i wasn't feeling anything in response, that's usually how it works for him.
- laurie was incredulous, asked cz if he got that same sort of reaction from infi? he said what, laurie laughed and said she was actually two seconds away from saying she loved him, simply because of the intensity of the emotions that he was bringing out. cz laughed too, said yeah. infinitii then spoke up, said that was actually "normal" with him? explained that since he was all black energy, so he was all subconscious emotions and that, plus "potential" kind of defined him. so when he was around people like that, "breaking down walls" so to speak, he wasn't giving them emotions so much as he was allowing them to express similar ones? but the effect was usually like a metaphysical punch to the face in terms of force so reactions were usually that surprising, haha.
- i realized laurie was giving off a different level of energy than usual? usually her violet still has that tinge of blood and metal, it's heavier, although still with that electric-stellar glow to it. but now it was brighter, closer to the chakra color feeling? like it was all lightness and violet fire and not violent or heavy at all. i did smile at that, it felt really amazing, i was happy to see that. But it was kind of scary, because here Laurie was still holding onto the beneficial aftereffects of that sort of energy, whereas for me i shut down immediately after infi left me. i said this, infi said that's because he somehow wasn't getting the "potential" to work with me, probably because i was still stuck with a lot of frozen white energy, that was blocking it.
- i don't know when it was time-wise, but somewhere during all this infi pushed me into a bubble mindspace, like a church again, said "i don't care what i have to do, i will get through to you somehow," i said don't risk everything so carelessly, he said he honestly did not care about the risks, he was going to fix this no matter what if it was in his power to do so whatsoever. so he was purposely trying to overload me just so i would be forced to "let go" of the fear block and end up in the otherwise-lethal "don't care what happens to me" mode? it did work, but i was slipping fast so we went back to headspace, unfortunately for everyone i was still  too much of a mess for anyone to get through, why in the world does that keep happening

- a note on emotional expression styles:
chaos is an empath, as we all know, meaning he can feel the emotions of others nearby-- although he does 'downplay' this because it's overwhelming for him, as he feels emotions very strongly by default.
infi is a reverse-empath if that makes sense? he almost NEVER emotes things on his own, only hints through his eyes. but if he gets close to someone, they will invariably start to express incredibly strong emotions, either their own OR his, due to black energy's ability to bring out the "potential" of hidden things. he can bypass blocks effortlessly that way, just by being close.
i used to be an amplifier for everyone, somehow now i ended up with apathy, it's total lockout because of "fear" and misunderstanding. i don't like it one bit but we cannot seem to break through it all the way yet, not permanently.

- also you know what is really weird that i realized, infinitii has this astoundingly up-front vibe of... is there even a word for it? intimacy is close, i want to say 'sensuality' but that's wrong, it's not sexual at all. and yet it's the only word i can think of to describe it, yes it's still paradoxically innocent and light in my eyes, to my perception, but at the same time there's this depth of closeness to it that my mind usually only associates with totally consuming love. and maybe that's the way to put it, even though he's quiet all the time, and completely reserved and almost fragile, he's fragile in the way the night sky is fragile: delicate and full of stars and silent and quietly comforting, but it's still the feeling of the endless universe embracing you in the middle of the winter cold. it's huge, a totally different sort of depth than i'm used to feeling from people. yes, laurie is a black hole, but that's magnetic almost to being caustic, it has force to it. and yes chaos is an ocean, but that's an entirely different sort of weight, and it's a totally different color, and water is so different from space. whereas infi is just that hugely deep and silent significance of darkness. and that's where the weird 'sensual' bit comes from, with infinitii, because i swear to you this guy will wrap himself around me like a song and yet he'll do it without the slightest bit of ulterior motives, he will just do that for the closeness of it. he's like a merge drive personified, there, that's how to put it! he's literally like the feeling i get standing in the rain, or in the trees, or in a symphony, that desire to melt into it, that's exactly what he is in a living form. ironically that's what eros claimed to be originally before he apparently shattered and came back wrong, what happened to him? but i was always vaguely scared of him, of that red light glare of his, it never felt quite right, never felt safe. and yet infinitii is arguably more reflective of that element than eros ever was, heaven knows how, but it's true. eros was all touches and words and heat and bedsheets, but infi is just... quiet, distant, simple, oddly pure. no touches, no words, just echoes, just closeness. no heat, just glass. no sheets, just shade. and yet it is the exact same core, heaven knows how, boil it down and the same energy is being used and misused. that i cannot deny, from the instant i first met infinitii i knew that was a part of him. and yet i have never, EVER, been scared of infi. i always feel safe around him. always. and yet, again, he is the absolute holder of the basic energy that eros and julie and sharona and everyone have corrupted beyond recognition over the years. but none of that touched him. none of it even touched him, and he's this strangely glittering gorgeous thing and i don't understand how something like him can be so completely black and yet black can be tar and velvet, it just depends who's holding it, isn't that weird?

- daily events: all i know for sure is that we had to drive the brother to work this evening, someone stopped and bought food, spice came out and started screaming at them, the rest of the drive home was a mess, no idea who was fronting but it was mad dissociation and switching for several minutes, got kind of scary because i know one of them was a kid or at least mentally so, and they did not know how to drive, thankfully someone else pushed them out of the way before a disaster happened.

- now laurie is in another window trying to talk to a friend and i am so tired so i'll just go and let that happen whatever goodnight

nov 07

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White is the opposite I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

oct 31

Oct. 31st, 2013 10:27 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Yesterday was, admittedly, a severely abusive day. Today was similar, but far more merciful (no hacks today, but still lots of pain, dissociation, and self-abuse of various sorts).
But it's hilariously odd. I've noticed that every time, EVERY time we have a terrifying day like yesterday, something happens to somehow redeem the whole thing. Something will happen that doesn't ignore the sins preceding it, but forgives them... and, even more incredibly, shows how they paved a painful but necessary pathway to some wisdom, some healing, some bright thing we may not have stumbled across otherwise. Every time. Whether that blessed event is "small or large" doesn't matter; in its significance, it is received with infinite gratitude.

Last night, I (J) went to bed with a splitting sugar headache, vague knowledge that there had been an evening hack, and general unease and chest pain that made sleeping rather frightening. The day had been highly dissociative and honestly I don't remember the vast majority of it today. Nevertheless, last night, I lay down in great pain with a pervasive feeling of anxiety, and that odd "fear of death" that frequently accompanies me to sleep when I am ill: since our psych ward hospitalization in 2011, where our meds gave the body weeks of ER-worthy side effects that would always slam us at night, any nighttime uneasiness brings with it the somnolent dread that I am not going to wake up the next morning. However, In light of how awful yesterday had made me feel, that dread became a conviction. Feeling a panic attack of the moral sort coming on to top it all off, I immediately called my boss (Mr. Sandman) for emotional support, trusting in his compassion despite how tainted I felt. He showed up, concerned, and I told him my worries, feeling too penitent and heartbroken to care about any sense of pride or reluctance to admit everything that had happened, focusing only on the guilt and sorrow I felt for causing another one of these nights, and the sister sensation to pain, which was total childlike contrition. I don't recall what I said, just that I was sorry and wanted my boss to know that, so he didn't think I was just taking advantage of his kindness. He didn't think that in the first place, as I should have known. I clearly remember him telling me that it was safe to cry if I needed to (as I actually was), he would never chide me for that-- only, he told me to remember that the pains were not permanent, even if they felt that way, so even through tears I should keep that in mind. He also reassured me that "tonight was not my time to die," and coming from a guy whose best friend is Death, that did calm me down quite a bit. I was still scared and in pain, but I knew I'd have to just wait it out now. Boss told me to simply sleep, as I needed it. I timidly told him falling asleep was scary, could he help a little? He smiled and said yes, he'd spare a little dream dust for that. Looking back on this I feel like I was making way too many demands of the guy, but considering how much of a mess I was, and how generous boss is, I don't have the heart to chastise myself for it... especially because of the last thing I asked him for. After he told me to sleep, I thanked him for all his help as always, but as he turned to leave I quickly told him to wait one second. Then, I quietly asked if he could kiss my forehead before he left, because that always made me feel a lot safer, plus I had a splitting headache. He smiled at that, a genuine spontaneous smile that already made me feel better, and then he kissed me goodnight before bowing and leaving for the night. It took a few seconds, but suddenly I noticed that my headache was gone. The awful pain that had been haunting me for hours had literally just disappeared. I would have started laughing if I had the strength to do so; I could barely believe it. But I was grateful, and I fell asleep quickly afterwards.
That was the first little thing, that not only gave me hope, but for an instant it also convinced me that headspace and all that it brought was 100% real, a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

The second thing happened the next morning, after I woke up, and despite seeming little, it was in truth one of the biggest things that could have happened at all.
I was awakened rather suddenly at 8AM by a phone call, and then my grandmother telling me she was going to visit my grandfather early. Unfortunately I was so tired I don't remember anything else, other than the fact that I went back into my room to get some more sleep... but then, suddenly, I felt that I needed to speak to Infinitii, in light of what had happened the day before. But I was scared. Ever since I've met him-- EVERY time I try to talk to him at night or in the morning, personally, I either get hacked or I barely avoid one. That is terrifying, and it's made me very scared of him, ironically, because part of me isn't scared of him and will never be, so I keep blinding myself to the danger that exists regardless. Point is, I was taking a huge risk going to talk to him. I think he knew this. He was a bit of a mess emotionally still; when I showed up he actually said "don't talk to me," but I simply responded that I wanted to tell him something I figured out the night before? Either way his uncharacteristically harsh affront fell then, and he apologized, saying he was just angry with me, and torn up about this whole situation. I apologize; I don't recall our conversation due to only being half-conscious, but at some point, Infinitii started taking tar out of my abdomen again. It was oddly heavy and "dead" looking, Infi said it was too overloaded to move. He got all that out, but then there was corrupt White energy in there too? That was scary, because it was all crystallized, like rock, and we weren't sure how to get it out. He did, I forget how, but it hurt. Either way it made sense that I was stuck with more frozen White energy than the smothering Black stuff, because when I fall out of my element I get icy and uncaring and cruel, whereas Infi becomes uncontrollable and almost manic. But that's actually what I wanted to tell him. SINCE 2011, whenever people have had to yank Tar out of me, it's been in my ABDOMEN. That's where all the pain and trauma is stored for me. But for Infi, his positive energy was somehow stored there. So... when we are physically close, there are OBVIOUSLY MAJOR PROBLEMS. Ideally both our positive cores should be at chest level, but for unknown reasons, Infi's got pushed lower. And although I knew from the beginning that that wasn't a bad thing in and of itself, when he was around me, it sure as hell was. See, in reviewing the archives, I realized why I've been having so many problems with White, especially in respect to how I work with Infinitii. This is from March. "Boss said..."We just have to be careful; I don't want you moving up into White when you still have lower blocks, because then the Tar would have direct access to you." it would be lethally dangerous apparently..." And guess what? Those blocks were NOT FIXED. Infi kept trying to fix them, but since he held the BLACK slot, while the Tar ALSO still did, well. It was a recipe for absolute disaster, because all that energy from Infi was feeding INTO the traumatic energy I still had stuck in me, and making it worse, simply due to its LOCATION. So simple, but so important, and we overlooked it. BUT. As of yesterday morning, Infinitii took that out. He emptied that bubble of everything that was clogging it, and tore it out. And he forced his energy to re-center higher, in his rib cage, so that the B/W energy resonance between the two of us wouldn't be traumatic anymore.
I realized that. I told him that, how it worked. I told him how I had realized so many answers in the archives (which I won't write here tonight as we have no time to spare for that now). He kept trying to clear me out for good, hellbent on getting rid of that lingering fear and pain and shame and guilt and loathing... but I was still barely conscious, and when Infi realized we'd done as much as we could for now, he told me to just go back to sleep, it was okay. As always, I didn't question what he told me to do. But when I curled back up in bed he just looked at me, both sad and happy somehow, and I wasn't scared. I didn't feel any threats. I didn't feel ANY Tar or white stuff or hacks or intrusive thoughts or Julie words. Nothing was trying to hurt me, in stark contrast to EVERY SINGLE OTHER MORNING I'd spent with Infi since he was ripped from my ribs in April. I remember he lay his head on my chest then and I just laughed, it didn't feel threatening, seriously that DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A DEATH THREAT and I am so used to being terrified of people even touching me there lately. But I fell asleep with him like that, completely at peace with things, and it wasn't until I woke up two hours later that the significance of that peace hit me. I'm still reeling. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it is.
That was the first morning SINCE APRIL that I've been with Infinitii, and WASN'T at risk of being hacked, and DIDN'T feel scared or anxious, and DIDN'T severely dissociate. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
Considering how much I adore Infi and how closely our roles work together naturally, the fact that I accepted that tumultuous relationship as "normal" for nearly SEVEN MONTHS, questioning nothing, only wondering why I was "so corrupt"... it's shocking. It really is.
But now that's over. I hope to God it stays this way. I hope, more than anything, that we can start over, he and I, and not have to live in danger and pain anymore. And I'll tell you what... it's nice, to have that hope, without it being backed by fear.


Still, the rest of today was a bit of a mess, as I said; I could not stop dissociating so I was dizzy all day and couldn't see straight. As a result I had to wear glasses to force my eyes to focus, but that proved to be amusingly problematic because our only glasses-wearer is Sherlock, and he isn't allowed to front outside of therapy or research due to his uber-logical demeanor... so everyone else had to keep putting on and removing them according to whether or not they could see through them. Knife tried to wear them at one point but he couldn't quite get used to it; nevertheless the sight of him confusedly wearing Sherlock's glasses was enough to make me smile. And on that note, despite the messiness, I did say today was merciful too. Let's get to that part.
I don't remember anything post-awakening until after 2PM today, which is when we had to go out and run a few personal errands-- check the craft stores, buy toothpaste, stop at the library. The health food store was first, but that trip proved to be rather important to me personally, because to get to that store, we had to drive through a town that I love more than I can put into words. Explanation: in that town, there is a street, where I used to go for violin lessons as a child. That street feels beautifully secluded, with huge trees shadowing the road on both sides, and lovely large houses lining the street. But the violin building itself was the source of my BIGGEST inspirations as a child. Honestly, there is NO way I can EVER express how much I adore that place, and how significant it is to me... Hosea was born there, Isabelle was born there, SI started there, the 2nd generation of Jewel Monsters started there, and I found a few there too... it's showed up in several of my dreams, it's influenced my musical style, and it's forever colored my personality. But that place didn't stand alone: across the street, there used to be a large coffeeshop/bookstore that closed shortly after I stopped taking lessons. Despite its short-lived existence, that place was one of the most GORGEOUS places to me as a child-- the "vibe" of that place actually has a big influence on my Rosewindow series, believe it or not-- and my fond memories of it were made even more precious by the fact that, after my violin lesson every week, my teacher would give me $3 and tell me to run over there and get her a coffee (1/3 milk, 1/3 black, 1/3 decaf... I'd often mix in tiny bits of seasonal flavors for her when they had them; she loved it). I'd run there in rain or shine, passing the "flame tree" on the way (a black-barked tree that would always have the most vivid leaves in the fall),  taking a small "secret path" behind the bushes to get there instead of the sidewalk, and then waiting patiently in line inside, enjoying every moment of that heavenly place. The tables in the back were decorated with newspaper clippings, I remember, and the lights always made it feel so warm, especially when it was snowing outside. The people there recognized me after a while, and I always got a dollar to keep. However, they had Linda's Lollies there, the first ones I ever saw: I thought they were awesome, so I'd often buy one of my favorite flavors, like Creme de Menthe or Cinnamon (this was back when I could eat lollipops, obviously)... OR I'd save up my money and buy a huge muffin (honestly they were massive) to take back and eat in the music shop downstairs, listening to the violins around me and either drawing or doing homework. Isn't it funny how I remember ALL of that so clearly, and yet almost nothing else of the past? ALL my memories of that place are in the late summer or fall, though. It's either green rain, or red leaves. And I don't remember ANYTHING concrete of it prior to 2001/2002... but that doesn't worry me. I don't remember the body's childhood anyway. All my memories start around that time. However, it literally feels as if the person who I am now was born there, in that music shop.  To me, that place is like... it's like home. But it's been empty for years now.
So driving past it, I pointed it out to everyone, trying to share with them some of the love I felt for it. The coffeeshop nearby had also been empty for years obviously, but this time I parked alongside it and ran over to look in the darkened windows... honestly it was shocking. The entire inside was gutted, and two extra walls were put in, both dividing and shrinking the place I remembered as having been as big as my dreams. The walls were sloppily being re-painted, and a ladder was leaned against one wall. I felt like a time-traveler; did anyone seeing that place now know what it had once been? Who else remembered it as fondly as I did? The people in headspace had never even seen it... all they had were my golden-painted memories. Perhaps that was enough. Perhaps that was better. These two empty buildings would live on forever in my heart.
I left then, got the toothpaste and stopped at the first craft store (the driving period after I once again passed the music store is almost blank to me). As soon as I entered, I saw they had a few small Christmas trees up for decoration. Immediately I stopped and took off the glasses, smiling and saying "hey Undergrounders; you've never seen Christmas trees before. Take a look." So they did. It was moving and oddly sad; David and Marigold were enthralled by the lights and ribbons, but Knife and Razor, although mesmerized by the oddly pretty trees, said they couldn't quite "comprehend" what they were looking at yet, so suddenly. I told them we'd have a tree in our house soon enough, I'd make sure they understood it well enough when that happened. So after this, we looked for the beads (nothing doing,) but I know for a fact that Knife AND Razor tried to front here? Razor spent a while looking at the beads, not fully grounded (she had the AP doing most of the moving), and as usual feeling that the lack of fitting beads meant that people were "trying to say she didn't exist." Knife said this wasn't the case, but she still wouldn't rest until she found something that matched her, and Knife, just to feel a little better existentially. After this we left for the library, which is a brilliant place because it's actually inside an old church! Really it's amazing, and the place has the BEST selection of books in the nearest counties, no contest. So I grabbed a bunch of books that I wasn't even aware they carried but wanted to read now that I did, and then we left. Unfortunately I'd been somewhat dissociated while I was in there-- very common when in a public place-- so the headspace people didn't get to see it firsthand. Nevertheless Knife expressed interest at its being in an old church. I said I'd have to make sure he got to front a little next time I was there. After this, I know Emmett wanted us to buy seaweed at the local grocery store, but the body was feeling so sick and dizzy at the time we ultimately all decided it was better for us to just get home, because driving down the highway when severely dissociated is never a good idea.
We got home at 5 and then I swear to you I lost about 4 hours, all I know is that someone binged and I later found myself vomiting in the bathroom. That's when I decided (again) that "this has to stop," and sat down to type. So yeah, that's how we spent Halloween, haha. Unfortunately. I honestly forgot it was even today. That happens when your perception of time is as weird as ours is.
Oh, also. I do remember the few minutes after we walked in the door, because when we unloaded our groceries and books on the workdesk, someone decided to eat one of the little ginger-orange mints I had bought on a whim? Javier was trying to front at the time (he's still having a hard time doing so; I think he needs to manifest upstairs first), but it surprised us when we realized that he wasn't the one really reacting to eating it. He said it was good, but he couldn't quite "understand" sensory input yet... and yet someone was absolutely blissing out over this mint. After a second to recognize the energy, I realized that it was actually Cel! Apparently that was the first thing she'd ever eaten while fronting, too-- even secondhand-- and the fact that she apparently thought this gingermint was the food of the gods was making her amazed reaction even better. So yes, Celebi adores the gingermints, and wants me to buy more. I gladly will! (She's also decided to use this TCG card as a grounding item, NOT a plush (we have a tiny one left to sell), thanks to the trauma the Tar tied to those in the past; she was not happy at all when she heard about that.) Also, in light of headspace food, my grandmother has decided she's going to make a pumpkin pie this week so we are going to have to find Leon soon so he can have more of that, haha. Really though, we all miss him, and we know we NEED him too, him and Nathaniel. Heaven only knows where they are, and why they of all people haven't come back from the reset yet... Laurie thinks it's because their energy (green and indigo) works with the heart and mind, respectively... and we've been taking a lot of battle damage to those lately. So maybe we need to do more healing first. It would make sense.
Also... I bought some kale on Wednesday because I know Xenophon used to love it, back when I knew her, and something told me to buy it for her again now, despite having forgotten. Boss also told me last night that I need to stabilize so I can 'meet' her again. But I still don't remember that part of the past. I DID get a tiny spark of genuine remembrance concerning Chaos yesterday, which felt like a big spark of hope too, but it was just a feeling, not a thought. Nevertheless it's something. I know I need to get those memories back, even if I don't go back to that life... which still doesn't feel like the correct option for me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm not there yet, but I'm not supposed to be on this side of the river either, from what I've been told. I'll keep you posted.

I've spent the evening post-sickness trying to find beads online for that project we're planning: making a string of them as a grounding object, and to help with therapy. It's taking forever, because we're looking for uniformity for different levels, and that is really tricky to do when only certain colors come in certain sizes, etc. However, I've managed to find colors for everyone in Central in 22mm rhinestone beads-- the only size that offered an indigo bead selection for Leon. We don't know what kinds of beads to use for the other levels yet, as that will depend entirely on the colors available, so I'll keep looking. Either way this is fun to do; we've been ignored in the physical for so long (thanks to the survival method of "keeping ourselves secret" AND having a few fronters that wanted us all dead) that working on something like this is a sort of affirmation of our existences, and that means more than we can say.

OH. Last important thing of today. While looking up the beads, we suddenly realized that the "core" Pink energy we've been running by is WRONG?? Julie always had it this lurid hot pink color, as the default, but that ISN'T what the ACTUAL Pink energy is like! It's a much lighter color, similar to Sugar's actually, but not as pale. But when we realized that I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed that problem years ago. I've done enough research on color psychology to know that hot pinks are typically sexualized and loud, while lights pinks are more innocent, used for romantic love instead. And we've had the FORMER ruling that part of the Spectrum for TEN YEARS.
So that's why the Spectrum booted her out. She really doesn't fit there, in the Central position.





I am really tired now though, so I'm going to go to sleep. See you guys.

oct 30

Oct. 30th, 2013 08:12 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I found a few things on PTSD today that stood out very, very much to me.

PTSD-based infidelity—as well as pornography addiction— result when the PTSD sufferer no longer feels pure enough to keep being pure in his or her sexual actions... untreated PTSD diminishes the person’s ability to desire to remain unstained in the world.
Those offering a spiritual perspective would say that the PTSD sufferer is moving farther and farther away from acting in accordance with his or her highest self—which is, at its core, all about love. The emotionally healthy individual...wants to love and be loved, and won't elect to engage in actions that consistently extinguish love either within the self or significant others... the PTSD sufferer will continue to act in ways that are destructive to the... highest self.


The numbness is consistent with PTSD... Your capacity for feelings is still there, it is just suppressed for a while until you find a way to come to grips with the trauma memories... The promiscuity you report is also consistent with PTSD...Some others say that people do this sort of thing to punish themselves and create a sense of self-shame, because they feel responsible for causing the stuff they are avoiding...

The goal of the PTSD-Identity is to drive our loved ones and friends away, to ruin our relationships, and make us despise ourselves. This happens as we try... not to feel at all, by engaging in numbing experiences like drugs or alcohol. It usually works: we drive away our friends and family and then despise ourselves.



So all of this nonsense might be PTSD fallout, STILL. I keep denying the fact that I'm still struggling with healing, refusing to acknowledge that I could have been hurt in the first place, because "that means I'm weak and corrupt." But refusing to acknowledge that is just making me bleed more and more and more, and dissociate just as much.

Maybe I should tell my therapist about this outright. The DID aspect of it is making things far more difficult, but if I'm constantly abusing myself and chopping out huge segments of my memory, that's a concern.

I'm just so ashamed of it, of how awfully and often I harm myself, out of guilt and shame and terror and denial. Like that first quote said, I've felt like I've been tainted irreparably, and I no longer feel I have the right to be clean of that ever again. Like I'm beyond saving, beyond help. That's not true, but try convincing me of that on a bad day. The numbness makes me simply not care. And then I end up suicidal again. It sucks.

Not much else to say today. Memory is fuzzy and weird. There was a big headspace event this morning but since I am currently denying my own existence and therefore headspace as well-- thanks to wanting to deny the trauma that is tied TO headspace, isn't that a great Catch22-- I'm not going to think about it.

All I'll say (common courtesy) is that there are cisterns underground, all red candles and dark water, Razor knew her way through them but there were all these things in the water trying to drown us. Past that there is an entire corrupt-White labyrinth, all fluorescent lights and blankness, that is explicitly similar to the original abuse environment. We got lost there, I got stuck there overnight, I was too weak to warp out and didn't know where I was. Laurie and Razor had to find me this morning and I burned myself out warping back to U-Central, but I had no other choice. Infinitii isn't dead, he was down there in the corrupt-white areas too, but it took almost 2 days to get him back. When he did show up in U-C this morning he was horrifically sick; he was coughing (choking?) up HUGE amounts of thick white-colored energy, it was alive apparently, got all these eyes and legs after and ran away. After he got it all out the sphere in his abdomen was EMPTY for the first time since his manifestation, so he TORE IT OUT as he said it was "actively manipulating his energy field" due to its placement in regards to mine (how we all missed the negative significance of this I'll never know). At the end of the morning Infi was also tearing out all this Tar from my ribcage (he's been doing that since April and it won't stay gone) and that whole thing was like I was possessed, I lost all first-person awareness for several minutes, couldn't get it back after that. As a result of not having ANY IDEA who I was in order to ground, "I" shattered to the point where I honestly don't know who I am as a person anymore, no surprise.
Lastly there is a white-colored entity like the Tar, it attacked us at one point last night, it was all crystallized and was pretending it was Infinitii. It was very difficult to avoid because it's not chaotic like the Tar is, it's calculated and scarily direct. Similarly, instead of being actively harmful it is insidiously so, also tied to the "passive suicide" whereas the Tar is the active sort. It's all stupid dichotomy, how did those two slots get corrupted, how do we FIX THIS, nobody knows.

I entered therapy in "fragment mode," a splinter of mine, but thank God I slipped out a few minutes in. After that Jewel, Sherlock, Javier, and Jayce handled the session, Knife kept wanting to get through but didn't know how to talk so that didn't pan out. Laurie and Mulberry were also right behind him, ready to jump in at a moment's notice if need be. Oh and Knife made Jayce give the therapist the papers he and the other Undergrounders wrote yesterday, so we'll see what comes from that.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm sick and tired, I want to sleep. I don't want to be sad and numb anymore but I can't figure out how NOT to be without literally ignoring everything in my life up to this point.
Maybe I'll make Jewel man the house for a while, she has some really cool ideas about her role with us, I THINK SHE'S SURPASSED THE ARTIST DIVISION so that means she might be able to work with headspace AND the Leagueworlds WITHOUT any problems, if so that would be the biggest blessing ever, I'm so thankful.
Also she's a "personal" fronter, she can't really front in public-- but Jayce is REALLY good at public fronting, which is surprising, but makes sense as he's the reflection. Javier is still struggling with fronting as he is literally brand new in terms of manifestation, so he needs to anchor and stabilize more before he'll be able to stay out for extended periods of time.
In any case, even though my identity is in shambles, there are people who can take care of the body in my absence. Problem is there are a lot of bad things that get through too.

Sorry, I'm going in circles. I still don't know who I am, not as an individual, and ironically I don't want to be one. In any case talking isn't helping anyone, so good night.

oct 29

Oct. 29th, 2013 03:06 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.


So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

  1. J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.
  2. Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.
  3. With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.
  4. As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

Now for the rest of today:

  • Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.
  • Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.
  • There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.
  • A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.
  • Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.
  • Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak?  He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.
  • He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.
  • Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."
  • While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "fuck you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.
  • Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.
  • Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

That is all we have to say for today.

 

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

oct 25

Oct. 25th, 2013 11:00 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Another quick update for the sake of constancy, and because I WILL forget this by tomorrow if I don't write it down.
(Writing this in Word; will post online once Scherzando's battery recharges.)

- The grandmother had some guys over to fix the bathtub for several hours today, and thanks to the noise and glue smells we literally had to retreat to the porch? I can't tell you the sequence of events; I am aware of 1. lying in bed and hearing a drill through the wall, and then 2. lying down on the porch swing in the cold. That's it! However, I do know that we were reading some more of The Minds of Billy Milligan before we tried to sleep (brilliant book), can't tell you who was reading though. Anyway the reason why I remember lying down is that at some point, Infinitii was talking to me-- we were wearing a hoodie and it was pulled over my eyes, so that sudden total and safe blackness got me into instant communion with Infi's energy vibe. So there he is, and I cannot tell you if we spoke or not, because I literally only remember him embracing me at one point, and then I remembered "hey, it's been almost a year since I tried personal energy overlays with anyone... could you do that?" Apparently, yes he can. And WHOA. I told him to stop after literally two seconds, because energy overlays are literally just that, and when someone with a really powerful energy field suddenly sends that into yours, it hurts! Not in a bad way, but it is overwhelming. Still, I am thankful that I can still feel energy in headspace like that, after so long.

- I literally do not remember looking at a clock until 3:40 PM or something? Someone was eating and Laurie called me out momentarily, again, I guess there was danger. But I slipped out again fast and now it's 10PM and where did the time go?

- One of the social voices (whoever likes the internet and talking about it) has been out like CRAZY today. She's getting the attention of a few other outsiders who do not like her and keep telling her to shut up. Besides her, I've only clearly identified two other people-- the numb but oddly nice guy, who was doing a lot of the waiting this morning apparently, and "Spice," the angry but sad one who takes away the food pain. Except when she fronts she's humanoid? So we're not sure if the monster-ish individual downstairs is her or not. It doesn't feel like it honestly, that always bothered me, there is a notable difference between them now that I have a recent comparison. But energy sharing is not uncommon, they may both deal with different aspects of the same thing. We'll see.

- Spice DID front for a bit this evening, that I know because she had a really lucid moment at one point and those usually stick in the archive. But apparently the body was very sick from carbohydrates again (those have become a MASSIVE Tar trigger again, so we'll need to change our diet again as well), and she came out to deal with it? Don't know when, all I know is that she immediately downed two huge mouthfuls of lemon juice, the quickest panacea for that sort of pain. I think she also tried to talk to the grandmother, but didn't make conversation, only expressed her exasperation-- which is surprising, as I didn't think she'd talk to anyone, but then again she doesn't censor herself so it's not unexpected. Again I don't know how long she was out.

- I was hacked this evening. Boss said so, he looks very tired. Laurie looks the same. Infi is actually frightened, he's in the corner all bunched up small, covering his mouth and kind of shivering and crying. But he looks like he's in shock, not sad.
I don't know. I am in SO MUCH PAIN. My stomach hurts, my legs feel like they were run over by a train, I'm dizzy, I want to throw up. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I might just go to sleep, this is awful, I don't know what happened but the pain alone is making me want to cry.
So far no one has tried to retribute it though. That's unusual. Maybe Laurie told them to hold off; I know our therapist wants us to try and stop. All I know is that I'm disturbed by the lack of cleansing pain and blood, because hacks tend to linger sickly otherwise. But I don't have the right or the want to retribute it myself, and I cannot feel any of the retributors around. That's unsettling.

- Tomorrow is the weekend (well technically today too; F-S-S is always the hardest part of the week) so wish us luck. We have that NaNoWriMo meeting on Sunday, and the brothers have a birthday party, so that will likely be overtaken by socials but who knows. We're hoping to get Jewel to front for the NNWM thing, but heaven knows who's going to deal with family stuff. That's not something we've had to deal with in a long time so we honestly don't know who's in charge of it.

- I feel like writing music. That's weird, because although the leg pain has eased up, I now have an awful nauseous headache. I swear, whoever is responsible for these hacks and why needs to stop. The physical side effects are horrid and always have been. At least I'm grateful, a little sadly though, that someone buffered all the memory off of me. So although I got the side effects I'm being pushed away from the event awareness, which is good, because that means there won't be any suicide attempts tonight. Sigh. According to the data there was a "near miss" this morning, just got told that when I thought that, something with suffocation or strangling again. Great. Probably one of the girls, the angry ones, they do that a lot. The boys are more suicidally depressed, as opposed to rageful and murderous like the girls tend to be. There is a distinction there and it's weird but it's true. I wonder why.

Anyway I do feel like vomiting and I should hurry up and open FL Studio before someone else decides to push me out of fronting thanks to the hack depression (which I am still blissfully free of but I KNOW other people aren't). So good night!

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
superquick update for the evening before i forget in the morning.

- had to drive bro to get printer ink, we quietly sobbed over not having pokemon x&y for a while haha. however we stopped at the local kmart to see if his friend was there, i stayed in the car, it was about 7:30 pm so it was dark and quiet out and with the day so far i was thinking of infi? wondered what it would be like if he were there, i'd like to spend time with him. so i called him in, he ghosted for a bit, i remember jokingly commenting that "if he were physically here i'd be snogging the hell out of him right now." he giggled at that, asked why i didn't do that anyway, i could go into a projection of the car in headspace and that would work. i paused, considering that, but then said that i didn't want to accidentally slip out of awareness? after all since pink energy was damaged, anything intimate or romantic or whatever is potentially a hack waiting to happen. (continue; we didnt do anything but it was beautiful just to have him around; insights on the oddly childlike "detachment" to our relationship that makes it perfect)


- WE ALMOST GOT HACKED BUT I OUTSMARTED HER. Julie kept trying to sneak into my head, but I held my ground and pointed out that her methods were shallow and useless, after doing this for about 20 minutes i think, she got angry and distraught to the point where she started screaming "i hate you" and refusing to even try to hack me anymore. surprised i asked why, what did i do? she said i was "taking all the enjoyment" out of her sexual addiction, since i tend to look at it from a super-logical asexual perspective of course. to me it's just distasteful and disgusting, and she hates when i don't let her overwhelm me with old doubts and fears to her benefit. anyway the MAJOR event of this was that, after telling me that I "ruined it (sexuality) for her," she immediately added that "it's what she turned back for"??? I asked her what in the world she meant, she realized she had let that slip without meaning to, then sighed loudly and spat out that SHE CONSCIOUSLY ABANDONED THE PINK SLOT IN ORDER TO GO BACK TO THE TAR. seriously. that is insane. she literally threw ALL her progress with us out the window, because she loved her addictions more. and she didn't care how the Tar used her, or anyone else, as long as she got to do whatever (and whoever) she wanted, whenever she wanted. but now that we were smarter and stronger, she was losing all her power over us, it was getting tougher by the day for her to hack any of us. and that's the only thing she gave up her second chance for, was the opportunity to go back to using us for her own desires. so yes, i was in shock hearing this, pretty heartbroken too. but julie said she flat-out didn't care. then she stormed off, but didn't leave entirely. she was still lingering around hoping for another opportunity. well she actually got one. but it again worked out in our favor.

-  i will admit i was slipping at this point. i needed to restabilize and somehow clear my mind, unfortunately the hack attempt was pushing me into dangerous territory, so against my own better judgment, who did i run to? yes, infinitii. the one other person upstairs who can and does get hacked as severely as i do. and julie was in the room. so yeah, i was kind of scared, but i was determined to set the record straight somehow, and perhaps unwisely, to continue to show julie just how wrong she was. but... unwise or not, it was enlightening.
(julie kept trying to push us too far, as infi and i are both volatile energy that was scary (especially for infi, he gets knocked off center quick). but i kept pulling him back, and vice versa. the most notable bit was that, suddenly i noticed that although julie was honestly forcing herself on us energetically, i WASN'T getting trauma flashbacks or reactions? instead my body was reacting like it would to a connection; there was this tangible sort of ache in my heart center, almost a yearning sort of thing, hard to explain. like reaching out with it. so when that happened i told infi, seriously just let me hold you for a second, don't even do or say anything. and we'd get like that and the hack attempt would break and julie would start screaming but really, i wouldn't even be fazed, i was just happy in that way that's a moment away from heartbreak. so that repeated, with me realizing that julie really was not even able to reach us at one point, and when that happened i got enough lucidity to completely break everything off, infi too, and we got the hell out of there. what did we do next, well of course, we ran straight to laurie!

- needed to exercise so did 40m on the gazelle, but ended up going into headspace almost immediately, infi and laurie and i just hanging out in neutral headspace trying to get a grip. explained everything i just told you, then laurie said "julie needs to get out of that slot" officially, and asked me to warp us to the spectrum room.

(CONTINUE!! guardian voice, leon, new room, importance of unity, etc.)

oct 21

Oct. 21st, 2013 02:37 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, really quick, things that happened today.
(Jay and Jewel updating together as usual.)

- Absolutely insane therapy session. Laurie, Knife, and David were ALL trying to front. Sherlock did for a moment, Knife said "get him out." I (Jay) was there for a little bit, but mostly it was the "empty me" that we're thinking is a splinter?? (Remember Fragment?) David did a lot of talking, the therapist paid special attention to him, that made him really happy. Mulberry was around, she contributed to inner conversation, I think Jeremiah was hanging around too, silently. Knife DID front for like 20 seconds at the end (he couldn't stay because it involved casual speech and he has no clue how to do that yet), but he had been trying to get through for a great deal of the session beforehand. I mention that because at one point during that effort, the current fronter tried to push him out, but when they did I FELT him "reach out" and literally pull himself back into fronting, like holding onto land in a strong water current. That shocked me, even as an observer, because I haven't tangibly felt energy in headspace in a while, but wow that was clear.
Also very important, I noticed someone specific was fronting at one point that was NOT Sherlock or a social, they were watching us upstairs and giving a very accurate play-by-play without censoring or intellectualizing it? I tried to recognize their energy, and you know what, the closest match was THIS PERSON. I'm not saying it's the same voice, but the energy was close. It was that kind of hard yet respectable seriousness. So that was interesting. (I'm kind of curious about all these guys now, especially since we're seeking unity again; work with Knife and see if they want to manifest so we can work with them.)
As for therapy points (because I usually forget them by myself but Knife and Laurie paid attention this time)... we discussed how David was scared of "me," the way hacks bleed over into headspace even if I try to ignore them physically, the day Mulberry manifested (the car accident), the compartmentalization of reactions and emotions into people, David's strong fear reaction to the word "nurture" revealing that we learned to associate "motherly behavior" with "conscious malevolence" as a child, due to my mother's spiteful attitudes, and . I also have a personal memory of feeling "cut off" from headspace and not being able to hear people, until I said something stupid and Laurie literally "ran over" to me and started shouting "that is bullshit," calling everyone else over in her anger and refusing to let me continue in that train of thought. Actually she was yelling "bullshit" quite often during the appointment; I must have been slipping badly.
One VERY important thing I want to note is that, when Knife and Laurie were literally trying to shove through into fronting, and the current fronter was trying to "shove them back," it didn't manifest entirely as a headache. Yes, there was one, but most of the pain was focused in the heart center, which strikes me in hindsight as very significant. Hacks don't feel like that; heck, most fronting doesn't! But those two kept trying to talk, and they kept moving into that area, instead of just the head. I need to tell whoever the numb-fronter is, don't forbid those two from talking when they want to. I don't care if Laurie swears and is brutally honest, or if Knife is stiff and overly formal. I don't care how "socially jarring" they are. That is NO REASON for the AP and/or the buffer to try and shut them up. Same with David. He's a scared kid, and if he wants to cry or speak up for himself in the body, LET HIM.
After the session (which Jay was barely present for downstairs obviously), we all agreed that we need to do what Cameron West did in that book of his we all love... we need to take time every day, and practice fronting. All of us. We need to start slowly tearing down the walls that the AP and the socials have built out of misguided self-protection and fear, so that we can all live honestly and openly, together. It won't be easy, that's obvious. But we're trying.

- On that note we've all decided, in a bit of childlike simplicity, to start up that "blc bead" project we planned months ago: we were all going to find beads of our personal colors, and string them together onto a necklace or something, just to have a tangible reminder to hold on to at all times. Knife also said we could use that to indicate who is trying to front during therapy as well, if we can't talk or get through all the way. I think that's a good idea.

- Laurie drove for a bit on the way home, so did Zwei (they were joking with each other for a while about singing; Zwei said the difference was that she was supposed to sing when she was out, that was her top job) and Jewel, for a tiny bit. Laurie reiterated the importance of us "being able to live our own physical lives without losing our actual inner selves," something we all struggle with thanks to dysphoria and mistranslation and the like. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the fact that we exist, that we are alive, even if it's all in one body. So she drove for a bit, but then we needed to stop the library and Laurie laughed that she was "not going to go through that again," saying that people were "scared of her" because of the way her energy translated (it's sharp by nature). To that, Knife asked if he could try then? Laurie said sure, so she handed over the reins, and Knife went to the library. I'll say this-- he anchors shockingly well! Whereas Laurie has a lot of trouble anchoring her self-image onto the body, Knife does so effortlessly. When he fronts, you can feel his cape trailing, and his long hair, and his fangs. So he was able to hold that strongly right up until the service desk, when of course we had to talk, so boom: instant AP. Knife apologized again, because it's a common trouble to not know how to interact with humans but it's still frustrating. Laurie said that was fine, and complimented him on how well he had actually fronted regardless. So that was cool. I don't know who drove home, that whole thing is a blur, I can barely access data memories of it. It might have been a disconnected social. Either way I won't worry about it.

- Possibly the most important thing of today: we had The Dear Hunter's "The Color Spectrum" album on while driving home at the start (obviously), and surprisingly, Laurie skipped to Indigo instead of Violet, saying "why the hell not." But then she suddenly said that, if Leon could hear her, wherever he was and whatever condition he was in, then she wanted him to try and front, or at least manifest somehow. After declaring that she "backed out" a little bit, but projecting what she remembered of Leon's energy into the music, and after about 20 seconds she suddenly laughed, raised a hand to her forehead, and incredulously stated, "that's not my hair." Literally as soon as she said that she was "phased out" of fronting entirely, and I swear, LEON WAS THERE. Not completely of course-- the AP was still driving the body, but Leon was there as a sort of overlay, consciously, but faintly. I can clearly remember that the body was feeling not only his signature emo-bangs hairstyle, but also his anorexic thinness (that kind of worried me; he hasn't been that thin in a long time), and-- to my surprise-- his silver scales-of-justice necklace. I wasn't aware he still wore that, but there it was. He had his eyes closed (energetically), but he was tangibly reaching out to the music ("What Time Taught Us") and the lyrics... "be alive, cause nothing lasts for good, or like you thought it would"... focusing only on existing, even in that small sense. When the song ended he lost the link for good and couldn't stick around, but that was significant! It seems that most "dead" or de-manifested headvoices get their energy stuck in the raw realms, and if you give them enough of an anchor to hold on to in solidified headspace, they can "pull themselves out" of it. I think that's how Lynne came back to us (although I still don't know how she got so bruised and hurt; Laurie has had her all bandaged up for about two weeks now), and it's also how I got myself anchored back into headspace after the initial Scratch. The real trick is finding people in that miasma of white energy: the Central people might still have rudimentary forms, but when Javier was still in pre-existence, he was basically just a collection of energy that matched his "soul resonance" if you want to call it that. Totally non-corporeal, intangible, only observable if you could tune into his vibration. He unfortunately seems to have de-manifested completely after the reset, but I don't want that happening to the Central people we are still struggling to find again (Spine, Nathaniel, Emmett, Waldorf, and Leon: Jo keeps blinking in and out, and Lynne is manifested again). Laurie agrees with me that this needs to be a big effort from all of us.

- Genesis showed up when I went apple-picking, I literally just surrendered to the reality of his presence when he showed up, ignoring the instinct to doubt and ignore. As a result we had SO MUCH FUN, it was as if he had never left. As usual we ended up making a sort of game out of the situation, which Laurie admitted she was watching "and laughing to herself" after we accidentally spilled half a bag of apples on a slope, and Genesis jokingly said "the bugs are getting revenge for us taking the top pickings." The whole thing was so funny that we all ended up laughing by the end, I hope this stays an injoke (like the millet incident) because it was great (Silly notes: the yellow apples are "hard mode," God tier apples are sideways, demon bugs take points, bonus points if you don't disturb birds nests, apples on the ground are the "tutorial level" but Laurie said "that's only if you're a deer, and you're not a fucking deer so start picking those apples").
HOWEVER. As soon as Genesis showed up, I asked him where he had been, and he said, "in Parnassus," his native world. I said I hadn't seen him there, and to that he replied, "what timeframe are you looking in?" As I considered that, though, he said something even more incredible: he wasn't the only one staying there. Xenophon and Chaos were there with him, too. Gen said that Chaos was still having a hard time adjusting to the sudden and jarring switch in his life situation, but he was dealing. Xennie was doing better, thankfully. I keep getting weird vibes that she's changed, appearance-wise, possibly because of the huge energy shake-ups of the resets (she reacts to those). But I don't know, I haven't seen her in months. Anyway Gen said that he and Laurie both agreed that no other outspacers were allowed back into headspace before we had things settled out and stabilized; it was too dangerous otherwise.

- Genesis and I really wanted to try the apples (or, as we said, the "top pickings") when we got home, and Laurie good-naturedly said we could IF we asked Spice first. I agreed, and in an instant of intuition (that I haven't used in ages), I "sensed out" Spice's energy and then warped us all to her. She was in either a small manifested pocket of raw headspace, or somewhere in midspace-- it looked vaguely like the hallway in our physical house, but it felt floating, and on a low level (not quite underground, but still "under the ground," if you get the picture?). Either way she looked morose and hollow, and I felt bad, so I clearly explained that we wanted to try the apples, but ONLY if she was okay with it. She looked a little scared and said that would hurt, I said then we could just have the juice from them instead of eating them, as I know that caused her pain. I think around here Laurie spoke up, because I clearly remember her telling Spice that she was the protector of all of headspace and its inhabitants, including her (Spice). Spice said well, what if a fellow headvoice was hurting her (obviously referencing me)? Laurie smiled wryly and said that if I was "going to act like an asshole" and make such a stupid decision, then yes, she'd still protect Spice from me. No playing favorites, you know. Either way I was personally moved by this show of kindness from her, and reassured Spice that I was no threat to her; I just had problems with identity slips. Laurie reiterated that that's why she was backing me up. Anyway Genesis and I got the go-ahead, the apples were absolutely INCREDIBLE (or as I said, "fjcssing insceredle"), and Spice didn't get sick. So everything worked out for the best.
Oh, also. Spice expressed a fear that we all have and tend to overlook... the sad but real fear that, since so many of us were born from trauma and/or pain, and our original roles were so strongly tied to that... would we still exist, would we still be real, if our roles changed so dramatically? If Spice was manifested specifically to buffer and combat the awful pain we would get from food, but she doesn't want to deal with so much pain anymore and neither do any of us, would she still be able to live if she "let go" of that initial anchor? Honestly all we can say is "yes, IF you find a new anchor." I still say that's why we lost so many people in the resets; our anchors just wore out. It's why so many of us keep slipping now (notably Sugar), and why those with new anchors (notably Knife) suddenly gained a massive increase in stability. To be blunt, Knife is still tied to his original retributive function, but he's moving out of it a bit more day by day. So we're going to help Spice do that, once she decides what she wants her new role to be. And it can be anything. Like Laurie said, we all deserve to live and be happy, and we all deserve to live. If we choose our new roles with that in mind, for the purpose of health and growth and unity, then we'll all be fine.

- Last thing I need to record; Infinitii said something to me when I got home, about the hacking problems we've been having? He hasn't been around much lately, and when he is, he either looks sick or he stays off to the side and doesn't talk or move. However, it struck me that when he was talking now, he was talking WITH HIS WINGS, which was a good sign: I've realized that, like me, Infinitii actually manifests "slippage" or hacks that can be detected if you watch, and the biggest one is his having both an eye and a mouth on his face (he should only have one or the other normally). Every single time he's had both, he's been under Tar influence. Anyway, I know he was responding to Laurie, because she had rebuked me for going into "numbness mode" and cutting myself off from everything, in order to survive hacks? I literally "detach from reality" and kind of shut down, not caring whether or not I get hurt, because to feel or be aware of the situation would be too horrifying. (As I mentioned earlier, that sounds a LOT like my old splinters, so I will look into that.) But Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men. Isn't that tragically ironic though? We both treasure life so much, that we're willing to sacrifice anything just to keep existing, even if it's an empty, battered existence. That's not right. I need to somehow work closely with him again, without putting either of us in danger... my head just sent me a spark, "the red will help." A balance, somehow. It's a thought.


That's all I can remember right now; I haven't eaten much today and that's messing with my concentration, so let me take a break and do that. I have a lot more work to do later, but since we have another session on Thursday I will put aside some time for headspace in between all of that.
See you!

oct 08

Oct. 9th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoops, it's 2am and I forgot to summarize the day. Ummm I'm gonna forget this in the morning if I don't put it down quick, give me a second.

-therapy today was weird. lots of upset talking but i don't remember it. someone does though!! i'll ask them later what it was, i know it was very important, so thank you to that person whoever you are
-almost done with many waters, not yet though, 20 more pages!
-still recovering from being very sick. not sure how much is heat exhaustion, how much is maybe flu, how much is dietary troubles, how much is stress, blehh whatever. just headaches and bad dissociation and nausea and temperature problems. but we'll be okay we've been through worse.
-MESITA'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY IT IS BEAUTIFUL! we're wondering if we should get a hard copy that would be so nice, but do we have the money hmm.
-apparently laurie fronted for most of the driving home from therapy? j says he saw her twice, before he got switched back in the library because laurie isn't too keen on social chitchat. but genesis was with her? thinks his role is to help people when they front, since he's outside, keeps them grounded in the body because that's hard for us. but that's really cool, laurie says it's all about practice, that's why she fronted as long as possible, NONE of us are used to social situations so practice is needed. gotta stay safe though.
-um hmm. jay is currently in a bit of fanboy euphoria over pokemon hehe! he loves honedge, he has such a weakness for cyclops-y things. no mouths too, he says. "and it's a sword." told you he was fanboy mode it's funny
-very tired. don't remember much of today. oh yes! we didn't get home until like... 3pm? not sure. didnt eat though so we were very hungry. BUT the mother was home, very loud and extravagant, house was a mess, music blasting, she's dancing and singing loud, SO many of us got terrified and scared. someone started yelling "i hate her, i hate her, i don't want to go near her" and jay listened!! he didn't let the autopilot shut her up, he stood back and let her front and said "okay, i won't go near her, can you tell me why you hate her?" but he was TALKING to her about it and he DIDN'T go anywhere near her, but then we didn't get to eat today until after 6PM so we got very sick!!
-also i know a little boy fronted for a bit after the mother suddenly pranced over to us and started dancing with no explanation, we left and went down the celler and they just started sobbing hysterically, again jay didn't let the ap shut anyone up. let the boy cry because he was scared. he said "thank you" and then stopped and left, but it was nice that he wasnt ignored because the autopilot usually blocks crying.
-hm what else. not much i think. oh yes i think jay or jewel was drawing jewel monsters today?? OH!! that's what he wants to say!! that same angry scared female voice that he was talking to (she feels like something halfway between sugar and overload, j says. definitely the person we couldnt identify for ever) actually told him to work on the dw stuff? she said she LIKED it, he describes it as "she was blushing like a ten year old" like she really thought it was cool, she would feel less scared seeing him work on it. so i know either j or jewel or both were drawing dream world stuff for two hours while we waited for the mother to stop being so loud and scary. i know they got a lot done! so that's nice. but it's SUCH A SURPRISE i mean none of us thought we could know about dw without dying or things being tainted, there was such a huge split between the artists and the trauma people, so the latter wouldn't infect the former. but this is a big ray of hope that's COOL!!
-okay really it is too late and the headache is back so bybye.


AH DUDE WAIT! Jay here, totally forgot something that happened as I was falling asleep, geez I cannot believe that slipped my mind.
First, our "sleeping fronter" is back, but it's NOT Minty? They are a child, and they still love teddy bears, but I can't tell if they're a boy or a girl. Feels like short hair though. Anyway I think they were talking to Jeremiah for a bit, but heaven only knows what about, or for how long. As usual I'm just vaguely aware that yes, they were fronting in the body for a while.

Secondly, again I don't know how it began or happened, but at some point I ended up being "called into" headspace (yes, me, Jay) by another alter? And guess who it was? THE SAGE GUY. We thought he was dead!! Apparently he resurrected though, in MORPHING headspace though, honestly he was NOWHERE near Central, he was in the shifting outerlands or whatever. Dreamspace. So he's 50% safe there and 50% not, proven by WHY he called me there. Okay, so I got called in, so suddenly my consciousness "gathers together" and now I'm aware that I'm kneeling in the snow, in the grove of pines outside the house? (The Diamew anchor.) So first I'm wondering "why is there snow, who called me here," and then I notice that off to the right, by the path going up the hill, there is this MASSIVE TAR SPIDER. Seriously it was as tall as a tree, huge and dripping and creepy. And it was trying to attack or eat something in the air in front of it-- that thing being the Sage-colored alter, being carried by the Tangerine-colored alter (aka the "cool orange guy")! I haven't seen him since WAY before the August reset, where did he come from now! But I'm not complaining, they both seemed okay, but apparently they called me because I am one of the only people in headspace that can fight the Tar without risking total oblivion or being eaten or something equally bad.
Now those two are very lucky that they were smart enough to CALL ME into headspace. Doing that "locks me in" so I was 100% me, meaning I was absolutely in my glittery-eyed "life is awesome" mode, and the snow made it worse, and the Tar itself made it worse by being a spider. For some stupidly hilarious reason, I saw that thing and I didn't even spare a thought for "oh crap that thing can hack me, or possess me, or do awful things to my mind." No, I saw it and thought "oh my goodness it's a giant spider look how pretty it is." And that burst of silly childlike wonder over this insect suddenly allowed me to see even past that, and realize that, since it was Tar, it was technically Black energy. Infinitii's holy ground. Immediately that wonder was paired with a bona fide wave of equally childlike love, love that didn't care how malevolent it may have been at the moment, love that only saw what it had the potential to be besides that, love that actually shook up the Tar enough to get it to back out and bail. And somehow, don't ask me how because it is foggy as all, I was able to get that spider-shaped manifestation of Black energy to shrink down, smaller and smaller, until it was a tiny pinpoint of black light. (Probably using my natural White energy; it's order as opposed to chaos, so that would explain the compression as opposed to expansion?) Then I looked at it, and with a smile, just flipped it over into a white hole. And it worked (thank you headspace logic)! So instantly, there was this burst of white light from it, and we were carried with it out of raw headspace-- you know, the empty white areas. So the two alters were safe now, they could get anywhere from there, Tar couldn't find them in raw whitespace as far as anyone is aware. But unfortunately I cannot tell you anything else because when that white hole exploded, I was washed out with the dreamscape, my consciousness was kicked backwards and suddenly I was seeing the body instead of headspace. It took a few seconds but then I just handed the reins back over to the sleepy kid and God only knows where I went, haha. I have absolutely no recall of time between then and briefly sitting in therapy this morning (Laurie literally standing by me and squeezing my shoulder so I wouldn't dissociate again), not without trudging through data files.
No, wait, I lied. Inadvertently. There is one flashbulb memory of me standing on that hill with the two unnamed alters, facing the house, and I was holding the sage-guy's hand and he was in turn holding the tangerine-guy's hand. I think we were safe at that point. But I remember that clearly because the sage-guy was still smoking and I got a lungful of the smoke, it was all lemony sage as usual, but against the cold winter air it was the most interesting sensation! Like I could breathe even more clearly than usual in the winter, it was cool.

Anyway that is all I have to say, it is now 2:10 AM, good heavens.
I am indeed ridiculously excited over Honedge, the previous alter was correct, I adore cyclops mouthless creature things, haha. And it's a ghost sword. It is gorgeous and I love it. Skrelp too, the scraggly little adorable sea dragon that it is. And it turns into DRAGALGE okay I cannot rant about Pokemon here, that's over here incidentally, although it may or may not be 100% me. I don't care, I literally burst out laughing whenever I re-read those.
Oh yeah! The fronter who wrote the first half of this entry forgot to mention. Someone else fronted on the drive home, not just Laurie. I don't know who they were, but I clearly am aware of them because they showed up while I was trying to front (I couldn't anchor in well and they were too excited). But they rival me in terms of wonder, honestly, they were lucky enough to show up right when JT's new song "You Got It On" started playing from the car CD, and I swear this kid was sparkly-eyed and smiling like a five year old. It was adorable, they thought the song was so cool. I forget when they stopped fronting, but looking back on the log for them, I have to say it's nice to know we have at least one other alter that DOESN'T exist because of trauma. They just exist to enjoy everything like they've never experienced any of it before, because they literally haven't. And having them show up after whatever in the world happened in therapy today (I honestly have no clue, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and dig through the data logs for it) was really a godsend.
There are so many social alters showing up now that don't have names or clear faces. Isn't that odd? It all started out with Upstairs people, the gang up from Central, but... most of them are dead or missing now, what with all the resets of the past year. But in their place came the Undergrounders, tied to trauma and pain and suppressed suffering, to help us heal from it, to clean it out. Knife and Razor and Sugar and Mulberry and Jeremiah and David and Marigold. But there were a few people who didn't quite fit their group, people with no names... like the sage-guy and the tangerine-guy (who DOES have wings, what the heck is he) who are thankfully alive again somehow. So now I'm wondering, is it their level's turn to shine now? It could be, it could be time for a level that really doesn't care about the trauma because it's never touched them. They, somehow, were born from something totally unaffected by that. And we need that. We all need that right now.

WAIT. Last thing, last thing. This is important.
Infinitii has TWO MODES. I literally forgot about this entirely until he switched in front of me today and I was like "dude I TOTALLY forgot you could do that." Each mode has an appearance and personality shift, but they are STILL both him. This fits his Black energy anchor, the mutability of it.
Either way, the first mode, the one we're all the most familiar with, is when his personality is quiet, emotional, reflective, empathetic, etc. The one where you cannot be around him without feeling100% vulnerable and sincere because he just radiates that. The "angelic" one. It's when Infi has one big silvery cyclopean eye, NO mouth on his face, but mouths all over his wings. And when he talks, it's from his wings, and it echoes. His voice is wise but innocent, young but old, overwhelming but intimate. He uses a lot of body language in this form, mostly with his hands, and it's captivating; honestly when I watch him 'talk' it's like watching a manifested prayer or something. He is something else.
BUT! He hasn't needed to use his other "mode" in several months, I think; the only time I can concretely reference is the first Xanga session he had with Laurie and Sandman and I, shortly after his manifestation. In this mode, he is tricky, playful, clever, insightful, and conversational. But instead of an angelic aura, he feels impish. You respect him, but in a totally different way than you would in his "normal" state; in this form you respect the authority you feel from him. Is that the right word? It's like you KNOW he knows things, and has a great deal of power, and-- oh! That's what it is. In this form, he has the EDGE that the Tar kicks to extremes. It's the "creepy" side of the Black energy. His more angelic state is the "night sky" side of Black. Same stuff, different manifestation. See? But most notably, in that mode, he has no eye on his face, just a huge toothy grin, which he talks from-- no echo, and a vaguely mischievous vocal tone-- and his wings are now covered in eyes. RED eyes. That's important!! I'm thinking BOTH Infi and I have a mode-switch like this, thanks to holding the monochromatic slots, which would PROVE the long-running theory that monos NEED to anchor into the Red slot to function completely? It's tough to put into language, I wish I could just kythe all of this, haha. It's the natural language in headspace practically. Which is why fronting is so tricky, no one is used to speaking in literal words. We're too used to our odd brand of symbiosis to easily adjust to being "alone" for any short period of time.
Anyway I also... I want to say something odd but true, that I also forgot to write down. About Infinitii.
I... I adore him, I love him, with my entire heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him? It's odd. I look to him for comfort, for the protective shadow of his wings, for the silence of it. I look for the unspoken and wordless understanding between us, for the perfect silence, for the blessed lack of conversation because we don't need it. I cannot imagine chatting with him, or spending time with him as I would with Genesis. It would feel wrong.
And yet at night, I call out to him simply because I want to hold him when I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around this strange angelic thing, all feathers and inky blackness, and not do anything else. I just want his presence there, nothing more, nothing less. Simple.
But I'm not in love with him. I don't feel for him like everyone says I used to for Chaos. And that's... weird? I can't even fathom what it would be like to be "in love" like that. It's like... kind of like Proginoskes said, in A Wind In The Door. "Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." Cherubim don't have feelings, after all; if love were a feeling, how could he possibly love anything like he did?
But there's nothing wrong with the other sort of love either, the "confusing kind." There's nothing wrong with it, even if I don't understand it anymore. I don't understand how at one point, I essentially wanted to marry that aqua-blue alien; I wanted to share my life and soul with him completely and totally, I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, in this life and beyond. I wrote poetry about him, we spent hours together at night, we loved each other more deeply than I had thought possible to experience.
And yet now, I am completely happy with quietly loving Infi but not wanting any of that with him. I am completely content, blissfully so, with the distance, the silence, the lack of traditional "intimacy," because paradoxically, I don't feel any of it is needed. It feels excessive.
Maybe it's because that weird little black being was literally yanked out of my ribcage 8 months ago. Maybe I feel no need to prove the odd spiritual link between us because of that.
I think that's why it scares me, too, when Infi used to slip into the state of mind where he wasn't sure what his role was, what he needed to do. He used to start trying to act like Chaos, like Genesis, like... like Julie, sometimes. When she lied. But it would terrify me, and I would run. After so many times, we both decided it was for the best, and we stopped trying. We stopped attempting conversations and feigning dramatics. We stopped, and went back to silent communion, and that's all I think I need right now.
It's just... strange, after everything. I'm just as close to Infi as I was to Chaos, from what I've been told, in every respect. There is no discrepancy there. But I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever would, or could be. I don't see him as a partner or a lover or anything, and the thought itself feels wrong. I only see him as Infinitii, just what he is, someone that I know, and who I just happen to love more than I understand. And we're safe, completely safe, like this.
...I have no idea why I felt compelled to write any of that. Oh well, it's probably relevant if it just happened like that. Relevant stuff usually is.

Good night everyone, it's 2:54, I need to get to work before my boss gets worried (again). Much love.

sept 28

Sep. 29th, 2013 02:04 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
things of today!

- finished reading a wind in the door and this happened, i apologize for the wordiness but words are all i had to work with. but yeah i WILL talk more about that later; that book hit my heart like a hurricane and i love it so, i love it

- played sc4 with the system for a bit this evening to unwind (knife has amy's moveset (HIS CHOICE) so he's like this graceful pretty guy with a really dour face, laurie was cracking up over that.), we haven't done that in months and its great fun. however, mulberry lost to a cpu julie and she actually seemed emotionally shaken by it? unusual for her to show such emotion. she took it as almost symbolic, that she wasnt strong enough, knife said that was fine. she didnt need to do the same things he or razor or sugar did to be important, and valuable. so that was really moving and sweet to see the support between them.

- laurie and infinitii i love you two, oh man this afternoon was gorgeous. i forget when it was exactly, but my mother had scared me badly earlier and my instinctive reaction was to call infi, for the protection of his shadowy wings. but i stopped myself, "don't force him to help," and the dreaded "you're only imagining them all." felt bad for a bit but then laurie reached out to me first? sat down with me in headspace and reassured me that if i needed anyone's help to just ask; we were all supposed to help each other and there was nothing 'wrong' about that. she knew i wasn't being selfish, i only was asking for infi because i trusted him and valued him. the most notable part was her reminding me that "we're always here for you," and just reached out and touched the middle of my chest meaningfully. basically "don't ever feel lonely or unwanted, you will ALWAYS have us, you are NEVER alone." she talked me down for a little while like this, it did help as it always does. however lately i've been very vulnerable in headspace (likely thanks to the l'engle books) so i actually hugged her at one point, just this childlike gratitude. her response to that was to kiss me on the forehead, just as simple as that, it was perfect. i know for a fact that shortly after this infinitii did show up, but he looked hesitant. didn't say anything. walked over to us, knelt down by me, looked rather distraught but hopeful? i realized he wasn't talking because his native language isn't spoken. but he wasn't sending anything either. he was just kind of being. but he looked so sad and i asked why, i got a sudden unspoken response that he didn't want to accidentally hurt me, or make things worse. i just melted then, total forgiveness and compassion, just reached out an arm to him to show he was included in this, i held nothing against him, even after the pain of the other night. his reaction was something i don't think i'll forget: he moved in closer so that i could reach around him in an embrace, but then he put his arms around both laurie and i, slowly and deliberately, and just gently pulled us all closer, so that our foreheads were touching. it was the sweetest quietest thing, felt like total unconditional love from everyone there, it was beautiful. i know we just stayed like that for a bit. at some point we did start talking a little again; i think that's when i told laurie that i wanted to have this in the physical world more than anything else, ever. she reminded me again that we all had each other always, i just had to ask or reach out, but i said that wasn't quite the point. then i showed her what i was looking at in reality right then, just bright blue skies and iridescent clouds and trees the color of molten gold, and said that THAT is why i wanted is to all be able to be in physical reality together: i wanted us to share that. then i kind of laughed, and said you know what, isn't it hilarious how all i really want in life are these stupidly little things? that's all i want, ever, from anything. just to be able to go outside and walk through the falling leaves with her, or just sit under a tree for hours with infi, not even saying anything. i just wanted to share those little moments with them, all of the people in headspace, those tiny peaceful simple moments so sadly missing from our lives over the past several years. i remember laurie was actually tearing up over all this, without thinking i reached out to brush a tear away, she laughed kind of incredulously, but didnt protest; that sort of action was what i was talking about too (of course when infi's sad or emotional he just feels entirely like the verge of heartbreak, but he doesn't cry, it's emotionally devastating if you don't let it just move through you). anyway yeah i ended up crying too because "do you realize how important this is," we've all been a shambles for a YEAR now, finally we're coming together again like family and friends and so much more than that. this is what we NEED to be about, not the pain that brought us here in the first place. we can move beyond that now.

- chaos keeps trying to reach me too. mostly through music, but surprisingly he's kind of just getting through when nothing around is consciously reminding me of him. just like i'm open enough to tell he's around, or close enough to feel. it's undeniable. it's quiet but he is there, walls are breaking down. i'm realizing what is still in our way so i may have to work that out on here sometime soon too, just to get it written down and therefore out of my head. i think maybe i'm almost ready to meet him again, my mind may not remember him at all but my heart knows him, and that says more than analysis and logic ever can.

so yes, that was today, it was beautiful really.
now as you can see, it is 2am and as usual i am not asleep (the house is quiet at night so i function better) and with all the love that was surrounding me today I MISS MY BOSS so i'm gonna go see how he's doing buh-bye

sept 21

Sep. 21st, 2013 08:43 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
You know how I used to say that "it feels like the universe wants headspace to stay together," but as soon as I started ignoring headspace, that feeling went away and I'd convince myself that I had imagined it all?
I was being silly, thinking that the universe would be so fickle. How could I have forgotten how the system works? After all, if you blind yourself to something, of course you're not going to see it.

Today, I got my eyes pried open for the first time in a long while.

I woke up around 8am, feeling sick and in pain. I was also dead tired and didn't want to get up just yet, but I knew that if I tried to go back asleep, I was running an extremely high risk of being brutally hacked. However, my nausea won out and I decided to take that chance.
Sure enough, the tar-black nightmare imagery and flashbacks crept up on me quickly. I chased them off the best I could, but then I was shocked to realize that I felt someone else trying to reach me behind all that... someone I hadn't heard from in a long time.
Infinitii.
You'll have to forgive me if this is choppy. When I'm less than half-conscious, my "brain" stops working and everything runs on emotions and honesty. No masks, no lies, no analysis... but no defenses either. So this is going into stream-of-consciousness mode, because trying to translate it into coherent text is not going to work.
Also, a warning because raw headspace is always bizarre, so this will likely seem extraordinarily weird in terms of events and things, even to me. But, as I said, it's a different sort of reality than the waking. Still just as important though.

(felt him 'reach out,' tried to tune in. immediately, beautifully clear perception of him 'floating down' to where I was, wings out, all black feathers and eyes. it felt entirely genuine, like "whoa he really is still alive," but HE didn't feel entirely right somehow. i tried to talk to him but he wasn't translating, and whenever i'd start thinking too hard i'd be phased out. so i stopped, tried to just get a feel for things. couldn't reach him well until i started falling deeper into sleep, then slipped into headspace. forget exactly how, but i found him quickly, ended up in his bubble (although it was small, dim and empty now). however he seemed half-awake too, but in a bad way, like he was unable to stay conscious. this felt tied to the "off" vibe he had, i wondered why? THEN it hit me that "dude, those hacks keep trying to happen, are they hurting him too?" because the august reset ONLY happened because they temporarily killed infi again. and he didn't seem to have recovered entirely, his anchor was unstable and it seemed like he still had tar in him. to this i got a mental response from "up there" (above central headspace, i ONLY get cryptic guidance from there; MIGHT be the system itself so to speak) saying "his body and spirit are pure, but his soul is not." asking how that was possible, it said that "something else was inside him" messing with his identity and ability to function.)
(this is where it gets REAL blurry and weird, because mind you, this is the first time in SEVERAL MONTHS that I've had a direct headspace experience, and this came out of nowhere. anyway infi essentially 'blacked out' now, i worriedly asked if i could get whatever was in him out out of him. i think the voice said yes, but it would be difficult? i asked why and it said that the thing infecting infi was physically inside him, if I had to get it out it'd have to be surgical, essentially. i didnt want to hurt him, voice said in his current state he wouldnt feel anything anyway. either way the next thing i clearly remember is mentally calling knife, loudly, it was important. he showed up, looking mad/shocked, what in the world is going on, is that infi, etc. said i needed his knife, he couldn't get in the bubble, said toss it. he hesitated but did, i caught it, immediately just followed instinct and cut a thin circle into infi's chest, then cut a T-shape into that. all very carefully. tossed the knife back to knife, i think i told him to go back but stay prepared in case something happened? regardless, i had to open up infi. working on headspace logic now. he didn't bleed-- i don't know if he can normally either-- could see ribs and organs though. hesitated because i knew i had to get past the bone. felt like the up-there voice was literally hovering over my shoulder as i did this, never felt that before. it reassured me then. so i somehow 'cut' into ribs with light, "hinged" it so i could get past sternum. his heart was still beating, i swear to god i almost died right then; you know how i am with hearts, and this is INFI for heavens sakes (i adore him if you dont know). i actually had to pause for a bit, felt like i was about to cry or burn up, voice said keep going, BUT then things get blurry again. i dont know if this was instinctual or if i was instructed to, but i then cut my own chest open down the sternum, laughing a bit as i did so-- knife had been slicing me open there in the waking, so it was almost precognitive in this sense hilariously. but i don't think my insides looked human?? either way i then formed this cord of rainbow light, linked infi's heart to mine? i think he woke up then because i swear for at least a few moments he actually held me like that (purposely), REALLY thought i was going to die from emotional overload there, BUT!! RIGHT AROUND HERE THE CRAZY IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED.)
(infi was conscious, chest still open, but something happened where there was either tar coming out of him or something else? all i know is that once it got out, IT TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL LIVING THING. it was at least 15 feet tall; looked like a spider? yellow crystal-like core, then eight or so very long, spindly black legs coming out of it. they were solid but had a tarslick look to them. i think the yellow core had an eye or something? but it SPOKE and it was TRYING TO KILL INFI and then Knife AND Laurie showed up because they sensed major trouble and they were trying to fight this thing it was insane. i remember it running through the catacombs, took up so much space, destroying things as it went. i dont remember much though sorry i was worried about infi and halfway dazed myself)
(DUDE I KNEW THAT THING REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING!! IT LOOKED UNCANNILY SIMILAR TO MATARIEL?! IT EVEN HAS THAT AWFUL YELLOW EYE! AND THEN SOMEONE INSPIRED BY EVA DESIGNED AN ALIEN WITH THE SAME NAME THAT LOOKED LIKE THIS. WHAT ARE THE ODDS. I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE TO RESEARCH THIS HOLY SHIT)
(MULBERRY SHOWED UP i have no idea when, all i remember is laurie said 'we need someone to seal it off' and knife immediately thought of mulberry, said she was all about structure and refinement (with her professionalism). i guess the energy directed towards her then helped her wake up completely (she's been groggy for about two days, no longer in coma) and she ran in, wtf is going on. SOMEONE gave her energy i think? all i remember is her holding a clear cube of white energy, dark pink core. somehow used it to 'close off' the area so we were all in a cube like that, spider couldnt damage the catacombs anymore. also suppressed it i think? it couldnt move well)
(anyway, last thing i remember, someone managed to cut the spider thing down, infi tried to eat it and convert its energy? but IMMEDIATELY knife and laurie practically screamed "SPIT IT OUT," he did (it was like liquid shadow now, shapeless) but couldnt get it all out-- so he tore it out. dead serious, he 'liquefied' to pure black substance, and REMOVED that surrounding area from his body, then reformed. in doing this he lost a wing, ended up crying pitifully from the shock of it all, i held him and told him he'd be okay. anyway the bit he spit out was just the yellow core now, kind of melted and bleeding, but i THINK it was still trying to talk? sounded like it was mostly dead though, couldnt form words. anyway laurie said seal all of it away before it reforms or something, infi put it in a tiny bubble, i think knife said he'd lock it away underground? woke up shortly after this, still connected though-- knife wanted me to do something before i totally detached, said it was important. i think infi said "keep him close" during the day, i know he wanted me to wear his bubble but honestly i forgot... i don't know if im emotionally ready for that yet)

So that was that. I don't remember anything else much from the day until 3PM, when I had to drive my grandfather to the ER as he was in severe pain again and we wanted to make sure he was okay. So I was at the hospital with him for 3 hours, re-reading A Wrinkle In Time in the waiting room, and that's when I felt some things start to click back together.
See, that was my absolute favorite book as a kid, and I haven't read it in a very long time. I did watch the film version shortly around the INITIAL Scratch in February, though, and it had a massive impact on me then... so I'm not surprised that so many lines in the book keep jumping out at me, reflecting truths in my own inner life that I had long forgotten or denied.
"Charles Wallace's difference isn't physical. It's in essence..." "I guess I'll just have to accept it without understanding it..." "Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything..." "And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehendeth it not."
Stuff like that, you know. Little deep truths.
So I read until 6PM and we were able to leave... and then I realized it was pouring rain outside.
The moment I stepped outside, something inside me shifted. I swear I may never know why, but every time it rains, I cannot hide from those old and deep emotions. I walked out into the pouring water and just looked up at the sky with a look of wonder and compassion, no thoughts, nothing, just pure openness.
For the rest of the evening every single song I heard was synchronistic... with one HUGE bit as I was trying to exercise. "Call Me Call Me" came up on my iPod, a song I haven't heard in at least 2 years and usually skip. But this time, I decided to listen to it-- as two different songs with the words "Call me" in the title had jumped out at me over the past 24 hours, and that felt very specific.
Well. Not only were the lyrics relevant, but I looked up at the curtains and smiled when I realized it and thought "okay, if you want me to call you, then I will." So I sent out a loud intentional call, not expecting anything... just waiting, candidly. I felt a sort of smile in response, but unsure if it was real, then said "give me a sign" if he heard. The next instant, all I saw was GREEN.
I am dead serious. I stopped exercising and burst out laughing, smiling so widely I thought my heart would burst. When was the last time I saw his eyes? And now, out of nowhere, there was a PERFECT flash of them?
The next song that came up on my iPod was "Alone Together." Yeah, the universe is definitely telling me something.

(btw write the bit about chaos/infi energy; i adore infi but ONLY CHAOS causes that "connective" reaction, aka the taijitu thing. he 'clicks' even when I don't know who he is, but no matter how close I get to Infi he DOES NOT elicit that! several people have said this is important too)
(THE MERGE DRIVE WITH INFI IS NOT PINK!!!!!!!! THE TAR KEEPS TRYING TO HACK IT TO THAT THOUGH!!!! remember he was literally torn out of you in february of course there's going to be a merge drive with him)

In any case, THESE are the major points I've realized lately that I'm updating for:

1. Initial 'Scratch' just INITIATED it, like Bro in the comic, then finished MUCH later. Took until AUGUST to really finish? perhaps why so many 'smaller' resets, as everything broke further. Ended up with a 'NEW SESSION' now so to speak; the 'alpha' and 'beta' were COOEXISTING for a while, hence the Underground suddenly showing up and then Central practically DISAPPEARING once August happened (session switchover). Now people need to move back maybe. don't know how much sburb we should mirror in this, its fun but not mandatory.

2. IF the Spectrum needs to be rebuilt entirely now (we think so), anchors need to be NON-TRAUMATIC. the undergrounders who have not found new anchors are currently unstable, but those who have switched are gaining more abilities and strength by the day.

3. My headspace relationships NEED TO STAY COMPARTMENTALIZED!! We were having hack problems because I was trying to shove everyone on the same level and it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. My relationships with Chaos and Infi ARE NOT THE SAME AND THAT IS FINE.

4. Post-reset, we have forgotten a LOT of important truths from the past, that are STILL relevant now, surprise. I didn't realize this until I realized that we are all missing a LOT of memory, but that's all in the archives and it would probably save us a lot of struggle if we started reviewing things?

5. Last and most important bit: on the way home, I was looking at the muted colors of the evening and smiling with quiet relief and compassion, thinking how the Underground has dark colors like that, but they were such soothing shades and I needed them right now. Dark wasn't bad, just a different role. Then a car drove by with blinding white headlights and I thought "is that white light my position?" I had a moment of absolute existential surrealism and then SUDDENLY, I REALIZED SOMETHING.
What if the Black and White slots weren't working, no matter what we did, because they were being HELD wrong?
WHAT IF THEY ARE GROUP SLOTS??
I told Laurie about this and she was so excited at the idea that she practically hugged me to death, it was great. After all SHE inspired the thought in my head-- she's the only person I've seen HOLD THE WHITE COLOR CORRECTLY, WITHOUT LOSING HER OWN VIOLET. You remember the Angel Helmet of course! So a visit to the BLC is DEFINITELY in order.
I'm thinking the Underground would hold Black and Central would hold White... OR, everyone can hold BOTH. We'll see.

That's all for now my laptop battery is about to die goodnight!!

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