nov 05

Nov. 5th, 2013 12:59 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
It is really frightening, how much of my life has crumbled into dust around me.
I had to stop reviewing the archives today because honestly, I was getting absolutely overwhelmed. I had 400+ entries to check for relevant data and I'm sorry, but with how my brain tends to short out with so many words, I just couldn't do it.
However I pushed myself as far as I could, and as a result I did find a great deal of important info. I was shocked when I realized how many events, how many motivations, how many instances of pain and healing alike were completely missing from my memory. Usually, when I used to read the archives, reviewing would refresh my recollections, allowing me to say "oh yeah, now I remember that happening!" Not so, not anymore. Now I look and read and I know that at some point I did do and think and feel and say those things... but that knowedge is secondhand, a result of seeing the data on a screen. On my own, I cannot remember it whatsoever, and that scares me.
What does it mean? What does life mean, when I seem incapable of remembering things anymore? I know you're supposed to "live in the present," but I feel there is a very fine line between that and infinite temporal loops. If you have no awareness of the past, you cannot grow, you cannot learn from it. You get stuck, forever, in a resetting timeframe, forced to constantly repeat the same events over and over because you don't remember the last time you lived through them. And it never stops. That is currently my life, to a very fair extent. It is frightening, and disturbing, and I want it to stop.


People are slipping lately, very badly. It's hard to tell who is who, in talking and fronting and feeling. Everything is a blur.
Either the "manic girl" or the "empty boy" have been fronting lately, as a result. The former comes out around people, more often than anyone else ever, but she has a terrible personality and none of us like her, due to how she actively harms us and does not care. The latter is more pitiable, as he constantly states that he's "so tired and just wants to sleep," saying that the "noise in his head is too loud," and therefore he "shuts it all out" and tries to sleep. But that is literally ALL HE DOES. He counts as a suicidal fronter for that reason, as he is absolutely hellbent on not living, not existing, but only sleeping. He does not want to exist as a person, and he spares no thought for us as a result.

Chaos and Laurie were talking to me on... Saturday night? I think. But it was sad because we went outside to look at the stars, and that was beautiful, and I was almost feeling things and I wanted to try and remember what I had lost but the body was so exhausted I literally could not keep it awake. But, when I woke up the next morning, Laurie asked me if I remembered what we had spoken about, what I had been feeling, anything... and I paused, reaching back to try and find that data, and found none. So I said no. And I have not seen her look so hopelessly resigned in years.
I'm afraid she's... I don't want her to be suicidal again. The first time was horrible. And isn't it weird, I don't feel anything when I'm typing that? It is literally just a data file. It's an intellectual recollection of what emotions were felt back in 2010. There is no feeling accompanying it in real time. I know, in my brain, that if Laurie died it would devastate me, it would tear me to pieces. And yet, even in knowing that, there is no emotion.
What is wrong with me??
I'm starting to wonder if this is why Nathaniel and Leon haven't come back yet, and virtually everyone else has post-reset. But they were the heart guy and the head guy. One for compassion, one for awareness. They were the sweetest guys in the System and where are they now? We know they're still alive, but for heaven's sakes why haven't they been able to re-manifest then? Are their anchors that badly damaged?? I know that headvoices aren't literally tied to chakras but geez those two really reflected theirs, the heart and the third eye, and guess which two used to be my strongest and which now feel like they're frozen shut?

I'm scared. Is that obvious? That's the closest thing I can 'feel' right now. A quiet sort of existential, moral dread. The small shivers along my shoulders and back, the mind slinking to the edge of dissociation, the childhood fear of divine punishment. And why that, you ask? Why the fear of punishment, of all things? But that's simple too: in some weird way, I am still convinced that this awfully pained psychological state of mine makes me an "irredeemable sinner." Ironically, my current spiritual beliefs make it worse. According to them, because I am feeling this pain and struggling to heal from pains I don't understand and am honestly afraid to face again, because I am still hurting from wounds in my soul, then that means that I am an "ego," and therefore I don't exist, and therefore I am destined by the will of God to be thrown out with the chaff, so to speak. So that's a lot worse than the childhood fear of hell! With that, I could at least pray and beg and cry for hours, asking God to please have mercy and save me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just don't send me there, I'll be better. With that I had hope. Now... now there is no hope left, because I believe that by virtue of my sinfulness, I AM NOT REAL. And I can't shake that weird perspective because now it makes "total sense" to me. And I am convinced that in the "new world," I will be forbidden from existing and therefore tainting it. So I will not die, I will be wiped from existence. Total annihilaion, absolute nothingness. And in a really quiet, really hidden way, that scares the shit out of me. Deep down, that knowledge that if I cannot heal I will no longer exist AT ALL is very scary.
But like I said, there's no hope. There's no hope because to do so, I feel it would be exercising a "spiritual ego" and dragging other souls down with me. So I don't hope for deliverance, because if I don't exist, that can't happen anyway. And that is the worst part of it, because what do I do?
This isn't fun. I have to laugh, I say that whenever I'm really torn up about something. I try to joke about it, make it seem inferior and stupid. What does that say about my self-image, huh?

Chaos knows. I did talk to him today for a minute or so, without realizing I was doing so, because I keep forgetting that these things ARE literally happening; I don't even give credit to my own inner life being real, isn't that sick? I say "if I feel or think or intuit something, it must be fake, because it's 'internal' and therefore 'all in my head.'" And how ironic, I said I feel no emotions anymore, but I want to cry just looking at that sentence. Guess that hit a nerve. I'm so tired of feeling like I am OBLIGATED TO INVALIDATE MY OWN EXPERIENCES BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE THINKS THEY ARE VALID.
Like I said, Chaos knows. He's just as upset with me as Infinitii is, and personally, that is a very scary thing to me. I'm starting to think I am Borderline, stupid as it is, because I have every stupid symptom including this "I hate you don't leave me" thing which is a shallow lie because I ADORE them, but I am so scared of them because, thanks to this asinine PTSD... well. I don't want to think about that at this hour. However, it does tie into what CZ agreed with me on. I was saying I was sorry for being such a pain in the neck, for all the trouble I'd caused, etc. I said I knew I was a huge source of frustration and anger and dissapointment for people, but I didn't want to drag anyone else down anymore so I was keeping my distance. Anyway, as I rambled on about this, it hit me. Somewhere down the road, I forgot how to love myself. I know that's an old problem. But I literally cannot figure out how to love myself UNLESS I'm in third person perspective, and I'm "seeing myself" as SEPARATE from myself. I cannot love myself in first person, as the "person doing the experiencing." I honestly don't know how, and that is heartbreaking and terrible and frightening. I admitted that, incredulously, and Chaos just looked at me and said he knew that. He'd known that for a very long time.


I'm sorry, my laptop battery is about to die, I need to post this before it shuts off and I lose it again. Therapy is tomorrow, see you then.



nov 01

Nov. 1st, 2013 09:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We are trying way too hard.
We're thinking too much, and we're losing sight of what we're actually supposed to be doing.

I noticed this happens when I try to work on technical information for Dream World, too, or any other Leagueworld. Every time I start getting overly analytical, I get so frustrated and sick and tired that I want to cry. Even if I'm interested, even if I'm making progress, even if I'm in a good mood... it doesn't matter. Too much thinking = instant exhaustion and depression.
That's what's been happening today. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's going on with the corrupt energy up here, so we can avoid encountering or exacerbating it again, but the more I research and write, the more headaches I get. And thanks to  my moral upbringing, I can't tell if that's good or bad? Is that my body telling me, "stop it, this isn't something you should spend time thinking about," OR is it some darker force doing that on purpose, trying to keep me from making beneficial progress? How do I know? It's like when I was growing up, I could never tell if my pains and terrors were "punishment," or "tests." The former was because I was bad, and the latter was because I was good. But which was it? I never knew.
I still don't. In 2011 the Tar told me it needed to exist, in order for me to understand what "the right thing" was. But was it lying? Why would I need dichotomy to comprehend goodness? CAN I be good WITHOUT its sinful balance, if that's true? That feels utterly wrong, but... I don't know.


It's funny, but I'm glad-- since I'm one of the few fronters in the System, I'm the only one that has to deal with the eating disorders and gender dysphoria and PTSD triggers there firsthand. Sure, it leaks through, but I'm glad that I'm the one that has to take the brunt of it. I wouldn't want anyone else in the System having to struggle with this.

I know Infi said most post-2010 memories should be mine, but did he forget about the Scratch? I'm reviewing things from 2011 and I swear to you, I do not remember them. Most of 2012 is also gone. I have no idea whose memories these are. It's scary at times, but it is totally true. Nevertheless that worries me. I didn't realize I was dissociating regularly until THIS APRIL. And the Undergrounders found explicit proof of that happening back in 2010, during the first SLC trip, which I do not remember at all. I don't. There are two or three location memories, but nothing firsthand, again. Do you know how bizarre that is, to know that things happened, but to see them all as an outside observer in memory, as someone that wasn't actually there? Who in the world was in charge, for that whole time?
...I think I know why infi said "should." Wasn't 2010 the year that the main fronter's inner presentation color changed from red to white? So yes, by that train of thought, their memories "should" be mine, as I'm that color now... but, looking back on what the Undergrounders showed me, whoever had White back then apparently held the negative side of it. That person was NOT a nice person. Is that where all this internal corruption came from? I don't want to go through the archives and look for what they did to put all this poison in here, as that attention will just make it louder and stronger... but again, is that the smartest move? Is that the correct decision?
I know I keep trying to clear things out, meditating and healing, but do I need specifics? Can I generally try and get rid of the corruption as a whole, or do I need to chip away at it? People tell me, "don't identify with it," and I don't, but acknowledging that it exists feels like I'm doing that. It's confusing. That's why I tend to ignore any and all pain. Saying "yes, there is pain and fear and anger," feels like I'm making those feelings a part of who I am. That's a scary feeling in and of itself, so I just stay sparkle-eyed and away from it.
That's why I don't have any past memories, I would think. Because, post-reset and all that, all those past emotions and thoughts and memories got stripped from me, leaving nothing but this childlike innocence behind, incapable of even thinking the way they did. But then... now what? By virtue of my forced naivete I can't function in the waking world, there are too many triggers that exist whether or not I want them to. But they need to be acknowledged to be healed... but paying attention to them makes them louder... what do I do?
I've been going in circles for years, I'd gather, if this still hasn't been solved. But how do we solve it, if there is nothing to solve in my eyes? If I see all the pain and fear as false, as "not real," there's nothing for me but wide-eyed wonder and a total detachment from the trauma of the past. But that trauma still lingers, even if its only proof is the Tar, and the hacks that used to use me specifically because of my ignorance of them. I don't know if that was mentioned recently, but that's why the morning hacks always happened. I just learned that those were hopefully fixed, but I'll admit, it's my fault that they occurred. I'd want to talk with Infinitii, or spend time with him or anything, but then something would be "triggered" and then I'd be gone, because by my function, I am not CAPABLE of fronting when a trigger happens! And then suddenly I'd come back, and Infi would be crying and scared, and I'd know something had hurt him but I'd tell him "everything will be okay" and then I'd go on my merry way. And it wasn't until much later that I'd learn that something had happened while I'd been away, someone had used the body to harm Infi, to harm other people too, and I'd be torn inside because I don't want them to be hurt, but... what do I do? What can I do? Am I even supposed to tackle this problem, or is that someone else's playing field? Do I stay the innocent core, the reminder of what we were BEFORE the trauma happened, forever untouched by it, OR do I forever shatter that innocence by trying to keep everyone else from suffering the trauma that happened anyway?
Geez I don't know. I really don't know. And that breaks my heart because I'm happy, I am so happy, but I know there are malicious things in this body besides me, and even if they can't hurt me directly, they can very easily use me to hurt someone else. And I don't want that happening anymore.

Javier is getting a better anchor upstairs. He's learned that he can't jump straight into fronting, because he doesn't have an "identity" to front with yet, so he can't interact with the waking world obviously. I wonder if other systems have troubles like that? We never had many "social" fronters, because we had no need or desire to go outside of the mind. Only Jewel (the original) and Celebi did, but they spent their time drawing or going online. I know we had a few online people, but then that spinningcannon person kind of tripped the alarm system by deciding she was going to start interacting with people directly? And then that forced out everyone that had stayed hidden inside up to that point. I guess in an ironic way we have to thank her for exhuming us all, but man, it sure was scary at first, with everyone having to deal with that rush of revealed pain and fear all at once. Thank goodness Laurie was the first headvoice to manifest, otherwise I don't think anyone would have survived. But yeah, because 90% of our trauma happened internally, most of us stayed inside. The people fronting outside didn't know about us until many many years later! And we're still trying to catch the attention of some of them. The Autopilot was the main one though-- it had no identity of its own, existing as a collection of stock phrases and obligations, and we didn't even learn how to control it until sometime in late 2010. But it fronts, because it is easy for it to do so, as it doesn't have to worry about a self or anything that goes with that. Whereas everyone inside, we have our own identities and roles and responsibilities, and if we were suddenly forced to go and front in the body, which is strange and weird and lives a life we don't understand, that would be extremely stressful! So the AP does it instead, and we stay inside, and live our lives in here.

We've found out that the Autopilot defaults to "yes" when it isn't given an order, which explains a lot of the trouble it used to get us in. Even in a dangerous situation, if someone didn't ORDER IT NOT TO, it would default to going ahead anyway. Isn't that weird? But in a way that's good to know, because now we can give it very specific instructions and forbiddances, and if we repeat those over and over they stick as parts of its program. But we have to overwrite a LOT of old bad programs first. Also it places everyone else automatically at a priority higher than itself-- which is kind of helpful for the eating disorders, because if you repeatedly program it that certain trigger foods "belong to someone else," it will avoid them all the time because it doesn't want to "steal them." But like we said, a LOT needs to be overwritten first, including the biting compulsion, which poor Emmett is stuck to too, as are most of the food and stress alters. Still it's a start, now that we know HOW to program it.
Javier gave it a VERY STRICT ORDER that, if someone tries to manipulate it into doing something even vaguely sexual, it is NOT ALLOWED to take any action UNTIL it asks the kids upstairs whether or not they agree to it. If even one of them says no, the Autopilot MUST SAY NO, no matter what. Javier said that defaulting to "yes" in a harmful situation, just because "no one told it to refuse," was causing a great deal of trauma to the kids, and it was ignoring their rights to both safety and free speech. (Javier is very big on rights and safety). He emphasized this very loudly, making it clear that there were to be no exceptions. So we'll have to repeat that every day. I know there WAS an attempt by Julie to hack it sometime today, but it DID ask David, and he immediately shouted "no," so the Autopilot repeated that and left. Julie was stunned but absolutely livid, because she had apparently counted on the AP's inability to refuse up to this point. So maybe now we'll have a lot less hacks when no one is driving or watching the AP like a hawk, which is often.

Speaking of memories, Waldorf reminded us today that she has all the media memories of the past that she can access in the archives, which no one else has access to. The only thing she can't get is Pokemon stuff, as that was it's own division for many years, and Celebi has that instead. But Waldorf remembers the books and movies and games that the teenage fronters were interested in, since she originally would take pieces from ALL of them for inspirational purposes. So that's cool. If anyone needs that stuff we can go to her.
Celebi is just so mad that the Tar was pretending to be a member of her species for that long while. Cel herself was our main fronter around 2001, but she stayed online, or in videogames. She and Jewel were aware of each other back then and fronted at different times, but they both effectively stopped fronting once spinningcannon showed up in 2004, and that's when the infamous high school time gap of 4 years happens! Oh well. That's not what I'm talking about. Celebi is just very angry that her existence was used as a springboard for the Tar to get at J, whoever he was back then, whenever the Tar-Celebi stuff happened. She's not holding a grudge, she's just mad! But I don't blame her.

Oh, also Josephina loves Javier's hair, and got upset when he found out that we wouldn't be letting Javier do that to the body, nor would we be letting him get gauges and lip piercings, haha. Still, maybe we can get Jo to help us with clarifying Javier's outfit on that Subeta generator thing, as that does help very much with visual anchors, plus he needs to be in the lineup pictures for heaven's sakes. So does Emmett, but he's so utterly non-humanoid we're going to have to Photoshop most of him in! Oh well, needs to be done. I know we did that for a bunch of people, notably Wally, Chaos, Knife and Xenophon... go take a look, it's impossible to actually have those avatars on the site!


Let's get back to the energy stuff from earlier. Let me back in, please.
Here, let's just post what was written earlier about the B/W energy, and Pink as well. It could be relevant, who knows.
This is all assumed accurate, at least in the current time period, unless later stated to be otherwise.

"White energy is INDIVIDUALLY CREATIVE ENERGY. Black energy is the source of the "merge drive," which J originally thought was reproductive, due to not having knowledge of other contexts. But it is the EXACT OPPOSITE: merge drives seek loss of self, they seek total unity. They have NO reproductive capacity because they seek to make everything one. White energy, however, deals with making "one from many," with the value of the individual self. It multiplies life, instead of consolidating it.
This is where corruptive confusion comes in. White energy does not create in a sexual context unless you ANCHOR it to the physical, and even then it only operates as a basic reproductive drive, the same thing everything from ants to amoebas operate on. It is NOT some sort of dangerous lustful thing like the equally corrupted Pink energy kept promoting.
But THIS is why Pink got so confusing over the years. Pink energy deals with affection, with childlike intimacy, with romantic but chaste love. It is inherently NON-SEXUAL. Julie, when she was originally created, only wore that color as a symbol of femininity, NOT as sexuality. Julie was also INNOCENT at her manifestation, as was the Pink energy, the way it should be. HOWEVER, our original fronter created her as a vessel for their thoughts of hatred and negativity: thoughts that were shoved into the subconscious, becoming the Tar. This entity acted like a parasite, eventually darkening Julie's color, although that total distortion didn't happen until about 5 years later: outside influences plus buried negativity turned Julie abusive, and since she worked through Pink, this tainted our original fronter's perception of that color and its aspects indelibly: Pink then became the brazen sexualization of all things feminine and intimate, EVEN children like they were. On that note, Julie's color pink and the REAL color pink each have very different energy vibes, which only contributed to confusion and mislabeling, due to J not even being aware of the latter UNTIL NOW.

 Nevertheless, J has been WELL aware of the difference between pink energy and sexuality since FEBRUARY 2011, although it admittedly didn't "register" until January 2012 (when his psyche split further, creating Eros to help fix any misrouting). Regardless, this vital difference has been repeated to him several times since then, by many different people, but J eventually began to ignore these admonishments due to crushing doubt, self-loathing,  and fear. It is unknown when his psyche made the sudden and drastic switch from "true" pink affection to the corrupted sort, where he began to see everything as sexual, but that event needs to be pinpointed and then healed.
THAT is what happened to fracture J's psyche so severely concerning all his relationships. His strange, admittedly compulsory pursuit of "pink connections" held starkly contrasting motivations and results. He was seeking affection and childlike love, but since the Pink energy was corrupted into something darkly perverted, suddenly he found all his relationships becoming shallow and devoid of real closeness, tainted by his absolute misunderstanding of what the words "relationship" and "love" meant in the first place. To J, every hint of closeness, even familial closeness, was sexualized. It is no surprise at all that he could never let go of his pain and trauma, because he didn't understand what was actually happening both to him, and within his own misinformed mind.

Tainted Black energy holds all negative energy that lingers in the subconscious mind: violence, hatred, rage, lust, etc. It is thick, heavy, and pitch-like, unlike pure Black energy, which is a soft shadowy black, and freely moving like air or silk.
Tainted White energy holds all  negative energy that lingers in the conscious mind: manipulation, pride, apathy, blasphemy, etc. It is crystallized and sharp, unlike pure White energy, which is insubstantial, warmly white and glowing.

Furthermore, J's entire understanding of "connection levels" in the past was FALSE, as it was based on a total misunderstanding of how energy worked, as well as how connections worked. So all previous data on those can be safely discarded. Keep in mind that he stole that term from Dream World in 2011, and blatantly misused it in a completely different context."


That's all that was written, hopefully it's relevant.
I do want to add something, in light of that last paragraph.
HEADSPACE CHANGES CONSTANTLY. THIS INCLUDES ALL OF OUR OBSERVATIONS ABOUT IT.
What may be true today MAY NOT BE TRUE TOMORROW.
This is an incredibly important observation that all inhabitants of headspace MUST keep in mind. Our world evolves and shifts according to what it is needed to be, or become, and therefore what worked in the past may suddenly no longer work, and be redefined in an instant.
This fact does ring true for the strange old "connection levels" concept J invented in the past. That entire train of thought is no longer true, nor does it apply to current headspace reality.
This is why one must ALWAYS be prudent in browsing the archives, as they include data as it was entered at the time, and it has NOT been altered to reflect current truths and/or untruths. I am considering adding a tag to the archive, to notify readers of now-false data, or data which was later proved false to begin with. It would help alleviate a great deal of confusion.


I spoke to Christina today, both in and after church, for a little bit. She said she was doing a lot of praying and asked God to help her understand what was actually going on in her life up here? Something. All I remember for sure is that she now acknowledges that yes she is a headvoice, and yes she shares our reality. Also through honest prayer she was granted access to some parts of the archives (not surprisingly, as she is a Violet headvoice), and she saw a lot of what we went through in the past? What she saw I don't know, but it forced her to re-evaluate both her opinions of us (she's stopped calling us "heathens"), as well as her previous viewpoint that her faith was the ONLY faith and anyone that didn't follow it to the letter was "going to hell." She's still badly confused and existentially terrified of course, but she's making progress, and that's very admirable considering how hard this is for her. But I told her that my role, and the big central tenet of headspace, was that we try to base everything on mutual compassion and love, for each other and for our shared life. And I told her how, even if I wasn't a Christian like her, I still greatly admired and agreed with many of Christ's teachings, as did most of us up here-- because it's moral common sense really, and I personally believe that a good deal of those teachings simply clarify that EVERYONE has not just the potential, but the ability to be "Christlike," by virtue of God being love and us imitating Christ by expressing unconditional love... etc. etc. etc. It's the kind of stuff you can't put into words well or you lose the point. But yeah, she's now willing to work with us on our level, instead of looking down on us condescendingly, which is nice. And I told her she can still think of herself as an angel if she wanted (she was convinced she was one for a long time), as long as she doesn't let that thought get her all tainted with the corrupted White and its insidiously malevolent moral superiority.

What's happened to my faith? That's the question I have right now. With all the spiritual people saying "all your beliefs are wrong" due to limiting my view of truth, and being forced to see the inherent neutrality of everything that used to shred my bones to pieces... somewhere along the line I stopped acting like much of a believer. I'm still aware of love in everything. I still have a deep unflinching awareness of the greater good in all things, even the scary things. But I don't "worship" like Christina does. Her fervency feels alien and unsettling to me. Is that bad, for me to not be able to worship so zealously anymore? I can't tell. I'm just haunted by her old words, by the words my grandmother spoke years before I met her, by condemnations and fears of damnation sneaking behind my ribs, coloring my blood dark in the night. I don't like that. But I don't want ice running through my veins either.
There is a fine line between humility, pride, and self-hatred, and I have trouble seeing it anymore. I stopped listening to my heart when it became an alarm bell for the pain I couldn't bear to feel anymore. I have more faith in Infi and Laurie than I ever did in myself, and when Infi suddenly became a threat to my well-being, against his will and mine... well, I think a lot of my faith in the big picture died a little.
I'm still not sure what to do with this. But I'll keep my heart and mind as open as I can get them, without causing myself to start gushing red again.

Hyakin was in my dream last night?? I think other people were too, but I woke up too suddenly, he's the only one I remember seeing. I spent the whole dream at the music store I talked about yesterday, there was this gang hanging out there spraypainting stuff, and I was telling them what I remembered of that building and the coffeeshop, how beautiful it was to me. I showed them around, oddly the music shop had been turned into someone's house? We all went inside and I said this building had been like home to me, even now that it was so dramatically different I still felt safe there. A few of the gang guys agreed, surprised they said they felt at home there too, it must have been the general vibe of the place. I know they tagged the coffeeshop building, it was still empty. But I remember Hyakin was standing by the road there, I think he was talking to someone, was it Sergei maybe? Either way that's all I recall clearly. Later in the dream I was playing Pokemon Y and I was laughably saddened when I woke up and remembered, "wait, I don't even have a 3DS!" But it was nice. I think I had a Dragalge on my team, aww yes.

Jewel keeps wanting to work on Dream World but it's tough, because she needs to cut off entirely from headspace to do that, and she can't do that when we keep getting red alerts and triggers and stuff. But she's getting impatient because it's been like two weeks? I don't remember. It's been too long. There's gotta be a better way to divvy up time with all of us, so she can work and we can try to heal stuff, without her work being put on hold for years (which it was) or us having to sit with the same old pains for years because no one is looking at it (which has happened too). Where is a happy medium! This is ridiculous sometimes. We're trying to find ways into the Leagueworlds in case headspace ever does collapse for good, a few of us have places already, but not all of us, because it's tough to find fitting positions as well as open timelines! But DW is probably everyone's best bet as that's such a far-reaching realm the way it is. We'll see.

We have our own Last.fm now, separate from the original one that holds our entire old libraries. We're going to use this new one to categorize our own playlists and stuff, because one of the previous fronters kept deleting our stuff from the original account, and we don't want that happening anymore.
Also guess what, I'M STARTING TO ORDER THE BEADS. I'm making a few custom orders and finding colors for a few final people, but the project is officially under way now! Also Celebi is now the one pushing us to actually do the "personal box" thing downstairs as well, but now the question is, what do we use as boxes? How big? We'll have to find out. She just wants a place to put her Pokemon cards and orange ginger mints, hehe. But hey, that's HER stuff, that's a very important thing. It's nice to have stuff downstairs that's ours too.
Speaking of. In light of talking to Christina today, J really wants to try and bring Julie back. Apparently he's feeling a lot of despair from her? Like she really doesn't know who she is or what she wants, she's being pulled in all directions by all sorts of different things. But J is the kind of softie that will ALWAYS give someone a second chance, or a second thousandth chance, and he's the guy that apparently got Julie to join us for a while last year. J says he supposes maybe she's remembering that, since the Pink slot is redefining itself at long last, and looking for a new core slot holder. Eros is trying to manifest again, he was talking to Laurie "telepathically" for a while this morning while she was with Javier, she was really mad at first because last week or so when he got taken back out of J, he was REALLY messed up from the energy being equally damaged again. But he demanifested and now he's trying to come right back that same way, so Laurie had to go all gung-ho and tell him that PINK IS DIFFERENT NOW, it's no longer tied to the old corruption so he CAN'T come back as he was previously. It took a little bit but she apparently got through to him? So if he wants to be the Pink core he CANNOT be tied to sexual abuse or rerouting in ANY way, he has to work as a sort of "role model" for the other Pinks, that's the wrong term but it's close? Like if you hold a core slot, you HAVE to reflect that energy's characteristics in a true and good way, so that everyone else in that color (who have variations of that core energy) can look to you for grounding and stuff. You're not superior to them as a core, you just have a very strict job! But we haven't had a core Pink person EVER, besides Julie trying to be one for a year but she had the wrong color, so whoever gets it now would have a lot on their heads in terms of responsibility. I know Knife is kind of the "placeholder" Pink leader, ironically as he has the darkest shade of it and wasn't very compassionate at all originally, but he's made incredible progress towards that so people look to him. Anyway that's that. We think that if Julie comes back she won't be allowed to be the core, even if she changes her color, but then again who knows? Things change so fast, nothing is ever set in stone, all we can do is guess and then sit back and watch. Whether we're right or wrong doesn't really matter most of the time, as long as we can grow for the better from the answer (or lack thereof) that we get.

Last note. Jay here. This is what I was trying to say with the first sentence.
Love, love is what we need to remember, at all costs even. Remember we CAN'T fight the Tar or the Plague, both of them get stronger the more violence and rage is around them. Laurie had to throw her axe to the ground and use the Angel Helmet the last time they showed up, even she couldn't get them to stop with weapons! So you see, we cannot fight fire with fire.
But it's not just "fighting." It's healing too, more than anything. Forgiveness and love.
I've realized that, over the years, I've been slowly pushed to forgive more and love more. It got harder and harder as I grew, the fronters changed, but some weird bloodline followed me even until now. I thought it was hard to forgive Julie, but I did. I thought it was hard to forgive Celebi, but I did. Then Chaos became the source of pain, but I still managed to forgive him... and when I thought that was as tough as it could ever get, suddenly Infinitii became the one I had to forgive. But I did.
And now, it's just hit me. I'm at the hardest part ever now.
It's not forgiving the Tar and the Plague. I know, and have always known, that they are actually incredibly easy to forgive, because they are cruel by their nature, and even in their cruelty they help me learn and grow. It's so easy to forgive something that's as black-and-white as that in terms of morality, for me at least. But when the morality is grey, when someone who loves you hurts you by accident, when it wasn't intentional or when they didn't think it would hurt... somehow, for me, that is so much harder to forgive. I have no problems forgiving someone who hurts me on purpose, even with the intent to harm or maim. I don't know why. But when someone damages me so badly, without meaning to... why is that so hard to forgive?
And that's the hilariously ironic bit of all this. That's what makes my final task of love and forgiveness the absolute hardest, something I avoided for years, something I was so blinded to that I didn't even realize it was necessary until it became too important to ignore anymore.
The last person I have to forgive, the last thing I have to learn to love, against all odds... is myself.


I think that's all we needed to say for today? Boy this entry was a mess. We've been severely dissociated all day so we're not sure what's going on much, or who needs to say what.
But it looks like a lot of good and important things were said today, and that makes me happy, so good night!

a note

Oct. 12th, 2013 12:29 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Just a note.

What you give your attention to, is what you get.

I think that proves our theory on "why we only get hacked when we get too bogged down in headspace;" we are thinking too much of the old stuff we have LONG since had the opportunity to leave behind. Personally I think that's what all these reset attempts were for!

So yes. Be judicious in your attention! Be uncompromising in your integrity! And let go of anything that isn't based in love.

Guys we are further along than we have ever been right now, let's not hold ourselves back any longer.


EDIT:: dude I apologize immensely, this article just whacked me over the head with realization. apparently I've been going about this entirely the wrong way, you undergrounders WERE right, sorry dudes.
just... remind me to re-read this EVERY time I start being controlling or blissfully ignorant or one-sided. then send laurie to drill the point into my head because that helps, haha.

oct 08

Oct. 9th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoops, it's 2am and I forgot to summarize the day. Ummm I'm gonna forget this in the morning if I don't put it down quick, give me a second.

-therapy today was weird. lots of upset talking but i don't remember it. someone does though!! i'll ask them later what it was, i know it was very important, so thank you to that person whoever you are
-almost done with many waters, not yet though, 20 more pages!
-still recovering from being very sick. not sure how much is heat exhaustion, how much is maybe flu, how much is dietary troubles, how much is stress, blehh whatever. just headaches and bad dissociation and nausea and temperature problems. but we'll be okay we've been through worse.
-MESITA'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY IT IS BEAUTIFUL! we're wondering if we should get a hard copy that would be so nice, but do we have the money hmm.
-apparently laurie fronted for most of the driving home from therapy? j says he saw her twice, before he got switched back in the library because laurie isn't too keen on social chitchat. but genesis was with her? thinks his role is to help people when they front, since he's outside, keeps them grounded in the body because that's hard for us. but that's really cool, laurie says it's all about practice, that's why she fronted as long as possible, NONE of us are used to social situations so practice is needed. gotta stay safe though.
-um hmm. jay is currently in a bit of fanboy euphoria over pokemon hehe! he loves honedge, he has such a weakness for cyclops-y things. no mouths too, he says. "and it's a sword." told you he was fanboy mode it's funny
-very tired. don't remember much of today. oh yes! we didn't get home until like... 3pm? not sure. didnt eat though so we were very hungry. BUT the mother was home, very loud and extravagant, house was a mess, music blasting, she's dancing and singing loud, SO many of us got terrified and scared. someone started yelling "i hate her, i hate her, i don't want to go near her" and jay listened!! he didn't let the autopilot shut her up, he stood back and let her front and said "okay, i won't go near her, can you tell me why you hate her?" but he was TALKING to her about it and he DIDN'T go anywhere near her, but then we didn't get to eat today until after 6PM so we got very sick!!
-also i know a little boy fronted for a bit after the mother suddenly pranced over to us and started dancing with no explanation, we left and went down the celler and they just started sobbing hysterically, again jay didn't let the ap shut anyone up. let the boy cry because he was scared. he said "thank you" and then stopped and left, but it was nice that he wasnt ignored because the autopilot usually blocks crying.
-hm what else. not much i think. oh yes i think jay or jewel was drawing jewel monsters today?? OH!! that's what he wants to say!! that same angry scared female voice that he was talking to (she feels like something halfway between sugar and overload, j says. definitely the person we couldnt identify for ever) actually told him to work on the dw stuff? she said she LIKED it, he describes it as "she was blushing like a ten year old" like she really thought it was cool, she would feel less scared seeing him work on it. so i know either j or jewel or both were drawing dream world stuff for two hours while we waited for the mother to stop being so loud and scary. i know they got a lot done! so that's nice. but it's SUCH A SURPRISE i mean none of us thought we could know about dw without dying or things being tainted, there was such a huge split between the artists and the trauma people, so the latter wouldn't infect the former. but this is a big ray of hope that's COOL!!
-okay really it is too late and the headache is back so bybye.


AH DUDE WAIT! Jay here, totally forgot something that happened as I was falling asleep, geez I cannot believe that slipped my mind.
First, our "sleeping fronter" is back, but it's NOT Minty? They are a child, and they still love teddy bears, but I can't tell if they're a boy or a girl. Feels like short hair though. Anyway I think they were talking to Jeremiah for a bit, but heaven only knows what about, or for how long. As usual I'm just vaguely aware that yes, they were fronting in the body for a while.

Secondly, again I don't know how it began or happened, but at some point I ended up being "called into" headspace (yes, me, Jay) by another alter? And guess who it was? THE SAGE GUY. We thought he was dead!! Apparently he resurrected though, in MORPHING headspace though, honestly he was NOWHERE near Central, he was in the shifting outerlands or whatever. Dreamspace. So he's 50% safe there and 50% not, proven by WHY he called me there. Okay, so I got called in, so suddenly my consciousness "gathers together" and now I'm aware that I'm kneeling in the snow, in the grove of pines outside the house? (The Diamew anchor.) So first I'm wondering "why is there snow, who called me here," and then I notice that off to the right, by the path going up the hill, there is this MASSIVE TAR SPIDER. Seriously it was as tall as a tree, huge and dripping and creepy. And it was trying to attack or eat something in the air in front of it-- that thing being the Sage-colored alter, being carried by the Tangerine-colored alter (aka the "cool orange guy")! I haven't seen him since WAY before the August reset, where did he come from now! But I'm not complaining, they both seemed okay, but apparently they called me because I am one of the only people in headspace that can fight the Tar without risking total oblivion or being eaten or something equally bad.
Now those two are very lucky that they were smart enough to CALL ME into headspace. Doing that "locks me in" so I was 100% me, meaning I was absolutely in my glittery-eyed "life is awesome" mode, and the snow made it worse, and the Tar itself made it worse by being a spider. For some stupidly hilarious reason, I saw that thing and I didn't even spare a thought for "oh crap that thing can hack me, or possess me, or do awful things to my mind." No, I saw it and thought "oh my goodness it's a giant spider look how pretty it is." And that burst of silly childlike wonder over this insect suddenly allowed me to see even past that, and realize that, since it was Tar, it was technically Black energy. Infinitii's holy ground. Immediately that wonder was paired with a bona fide wave of equally childlike love, love that didn't care how malevolent it may have been at the moment, love that only saw what it had the potential to be besides that, love that actually shook up the Tar enough to get it to back out and bail. And somehow, don't ask me how because it is foggy as all, I was able to get that spider-shaped manifestation of Black energy to shrink down, smaller and smaller, until it was a tiny pinpoint of black light. (Probably using my natural White energy; it's order as opposed to chaos, so that would explain the compression as opposed to expansion?) Then I looked at it, and with a smile, just flipped it over into a white hole. And it worked (thank you headspace logic)! So instantly, there was this burst of white light from it, and we were carried with it out of raw headspace-- you know, the empty white areas. So the two alters were safe now, they could get anywhere from there, Tar couldn't find them in raw whitespace as far as anyone is aware. But unfortunately I cannot tell you anything else because when that white hole exploded, I was washed out with the dreamscape, my consciousness was kicked backwards and suddenly I was seeing the body instead of headspace. It took a few seconds but then I just handed the reins back over to the sleepy kid and God only knows where I went, haha. I have absolutely no recall of time between then and briefly sitting in therapy this morning (Laurie literally standing by me and squeezing my shoulder so I wouldn't dissociate again), not without trudging through data files.
No, wait, I lied. Inadvertently. There is one flashbulb memory of me standing on that hill with the two unnamed alters, facing the house, and I was holding the sage-guy's hand and he was in turn holding the tangerine-guy's hand. I think we were safe at that point. But I remember that clearly because the sage-guy was still smoking and I got a lungful of the smoke, it was all lemony sage as usual, but against the cold winter air it was the most interesting sensation! Like I could breathe even more clearly than usual in the winter, it was cool.

Anyway that is all I have to say, it is now 2:10 AM, good heavens.
I am indeed ridiculously excited over Honedge, the previous alter was correct, I adore cyclops mouthless creature things, haha. And it's a ghost sword. It is gorgeous and I love it. Skrelp too, the scraggly little adorable sea dragon that it is. And it turns into DRAGALGE okay I cannot rant about Pokemon here, that's over here incidentally, although it may or may not be 100% me. I don't care, I literally burst out laughing whenever I re-read those.
Oh yeah! The fronter who wrote the first half of this entry forgot to mention. Someone else fronted on the drive home, not just Laurie. I don't know who they were, but I clearly am aware of them because they showed up while I was trying to front (I couldn't anchor in well and they were too excited). But they rival me in terms of wonder, honestly, they were lucky enough to show up right when JT's new song "You Got It On" started playing from the car CD, and I swear this kid was sparkly-eyed and smiling like a five year old. It was adorable, they thought the song was so cool. I forget when they stopped fronting, but looking back on the log for them, I have to say it's nice to know we have at least one other alter that DOESN'T exist because of trauma. They just exist to enjoy everything like they've never experienced any of it before, because they literally haven't. And having them show up after whatever in the world happened in therapy today (I honestly have no clue, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and dig through the data logs for it) was really a godsend.
There are so many social alters showing up now that don't have names or clear faces. Isn't that odd? It all started out with Upstairs people, the gang up from Central, but... most of them are dead or missing now, what with all the resets of the past year. But in their place came the Undergrounders, tied to trauma and pain and suppressed suffering, to help us heal from it, to clean it out. Knife and Razor and Sugar and Mulberry and Jeremiah and David and Marigold. But there were a few people who didn't quite fit their group, people with no names... like the sage-guy and the tangerine-guy (who DOES have wings, what the heck is he) who are thankfully alive again somehow. So now I'm wondering, is it their level's turn to shine now? It could be, it could be time for a level that really doesn't care about the trauma because it's never touched them. They, somehow, were born from something totally unaffected by that. And we need that. We all need that right now.

WAIT. Last thing, last thing. This is important.
Infinitii has TWO MODES. I literally forgot about this entirely until he switched in front of me today and I was like "dude I TOTALLY forgot you could do that." Each mode has an appearance and personality shift, but they are STILL both him. This fits his Black energy anchor, the mutability of it.
Either way, the first mode, the one we're all the most familiar with, is when his personality is quiet, emotional, reflective, empathetic, etc. The one where you cannot be around him without feeling100% vulnerable and sincere because he just radiates that. The "angelic" one. It's when Infi has one big silvery cyclopean eye, NO mouth on his face, but mouths all over his wings. And when he talks, it's from his wings, and it echoes. His voice is wise but innocent, young but old, overwhelming but intimate. He uses a lot of body language in this form, mostly with his hands, and it's captivating; honestly when I watch him 'talk' it's like watching a manifested prayer or something. He is something else.
BUT! He hasn't needed to use his other "mode" in several months, I think; the only time I can concretely reference is the first Xanga session he had with Laurie and Sandman and I, shortly after his manifestation. In this mode, he is tricky, playful, clever, insightful, and conversational. But instead of an angelic aura, he feels impish. You respect him, but in a totally different way than you would in his "normal" state; in this form you respect the authority you feel from him. Is that the right word? It's like you KNOW he knows things, and has a great deal of power, and-- oh! That's what it is. In this form, he has the EDGE that the Tar kicks to extremes. It's the "creepy" side of the Black energy. His more angelic state is the "night sky" side of Black. Same stuff, different manifestation. See? But most notably, in that mode, he has no eye on his face, just a huge toothy grin, which he talks from-- no echo, and a vaguely mischievous vocal tone-- and his wings are now covered in eyes. RED eyes. That's important!! I'm thinking BOTH Infi and I have a mode-switch like this, thanks to holding the monochromatic slots, which would PROVE the long-running theory that monos NEED to anchor into the Red slot to function completely? It's tough to put into language, I wish I could just kythe all of this, haha. It's the natural language in headspace practically. Which is why fronting is so tricky, no one is used to speaking in literal words. We're too used to our odd brand of symbiosis to easily adjust to being "alone" for any short period of time.
Anyway I also... I want to say something odd but true, that I also forgot to write down. About Infinitii.
I... I adore him, I love him, with my entire heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him? It's odd. I look to him for comfort, for the protective shadow of his wings, for the silence of it. I look for the unspoken and wordless understanding between us, for the perfect silence, for the blessed lack of conversation because we don't need it. I cannot imagine chatting with him, or spending time with him as I would with Genesis. It would feel wrong.
And yet at night, I call out to him simply because I want to hold him when I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around this strange angelic thing, all feathers and inky blackness, and not do anything else. I just want his presence there, nothing more, nothing less. Simple.
But I'm not in love with him. I don't feel for him like everyone says I used to for Chaos. And that's... weird? I can't even fathom what it would be like to be "in love" like that. It's like... kind of like Proginoskes said, in A Wind In The Door. "Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." Cherubim don't have feelings, after all; if love were a feeling, how could he possibly love anything like he did?
But there's nothing wrong with the other sort of love either, the "confusing kind." There's nothing wrong with it, even if I don't understand it anymore. I don't understand how at one point, I essentially wanted to marry that aqua-blue alien; I wanted to share my life and soul with him completely and totally, I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, in this life and beyond. I wrote poetry about him, we spent hours together at night, we loved each other more deeply than I had thought possible to experience.
And yet now, I am completely happy with quietly loving Infi but not wanting any of that with him. I am completely content, blissfully so, with the distance, the silence, the lack of traditional "intimacy," because paradoxically, I don't feel any of it is needed. It feels excessive.
Maybe it's because that weird little black being was literally yanked out of my ribcage 8 months ago. Maybe I feel no need to prove the odd spiritual link between us because of that.
I think that's why it scares me, too, when Infi used to slip into the state of mind where he wasn't sure what his role was, what he needed to do. He used to start trying to act like Chaos, like Genesis, like... like Julie, sometimes. When she lied. But it would terrify me, and I would run. After so many times, we both decided it was for the best, and we stopped trying. We stopped attempting conversations and feigning dramatics. We stopped, and went back to silent communion, and that's all I think I need right now.
It's just... strange, after everything. I'm just as close to Infi as I was to Chaos, from what I've been told, in every respect. There is no discrepancy there. But I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever would, or could be. I don't see him as a partner or a lover or anything, and the thought itself feels wrong. I only see him as Infinitii, just what he is, someone that I know, and who I just happen to love more than I understand. And we're safe, completely safe, like this.
...I have no idea why I felt compelled to write any of that. Oh well, it's probably relevant if it just happened like that. Relevant stuff usually is.

Good night everyone, it's 2:54, I need to get to work before my boss gets worried (again). Much love.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, I've decided something.
I want to integrate. Or, even better, I want everyone else to just not have anything to do with me anymore, without having to kill them or absorb them like some sort of cannibalistic parasite.

In any case, I've realized that I have NO TROUBLES when I am out of headspace, or when nothing forces me to go back there. None!
The entire month of August was brilliant because nobody was around. I had no hacks, it was great. As soon as people started showing up again, boom, here comes the triggers and hypervigilance. I'm tired of that, really.

So yes. I'm going to tell the therapist this if I can. Let's just stop this facade, this game that has no more purpose. You ever wonder why we don't have access to the trauma memories anymore? Because we're not tied to that timeline anymore! However, headspace was created BECAUSE OF IT. So why in the world would I go back there, if it only exists because of trauma? I see no good reason why.

I don't know what happened to Jay, you know, the one with white hair who manned the system from 2011-2013 (the scratch). He's long gone I think. His "family" is gone too, as are all the Upstairs people he worked with, except for Laurie, which is why I stay away from her.
I want all the Undergrounders gone though. All of them. They are all rooted quite firmly in abuse, and that is no longer needed. So they need to be the first to go.

As I said, I will bring this up on Tuesday, before they even start trying to talk about trauma, which is silly because that doesn't happen anymore. Hopefully we can stop going to see the therapist then. Why in the world do we need a therapist, when there is nothing wrong? We're just deluding ourselves into thinking we have a "problem" when OUR mindset is the "problem!"

Bottom line, I want to be alone. Let headspace go away entirely, and let the body just live without freaking out all the time. And let the League work start again, without being tainted by Julie and her ilk. That's not right. This entire headspace situation just fucked up the body's purpose big time. When the body was a child, it worked without fear, without identity. As soon as the hacks started, the work was put on pause. That was practically 11 YEARS AGO!! It's about time we turned our back on this stupid "trauma" nonsense, that WE perpetuated; leave it all in the dust and just pick up where we left off. Seriously.

Also, you probably don't know this as other people don't care, but we technically still don't have internet access. "Well how are you using it now," you say. Easy. We drag the work laptop into the living room and plug it into the router, where we have nowhere to sit and doing so is painful. But isn't that stupid! We're using the WORK COMPUTER to go on the freaking INTERNET and do stupid HEADSPACE stuff!! This is the very definition of corruption!! What idiot decided to do this!! You are bogging down our computer for CREATIVITY with stupid DRAMA. STOP.

Uh-oh, we're losing sight, falling into bad things. Forget about it. DON'T use the word "we" or "us." Don't give them any attention.
So let's stop forcing ourselves to use the internet. Delete everything off this computer that isn't work.
Delete everything in the mind that isn't work, too. Get rid of all the memories that are old and irrelevant now.

Integration, deletion, or oblivion. Those are the only options headspace has left.

I will not update here anymore. This is over.



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