nov 07

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White is the opposite I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

nov 01

Nov. 1st, 2013 09:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We are trying way too hard.
We're thinking too much, and we're losing sight of what we're actually supposed to be doing.

I noticed this happens when I try to work on technical information for Dream World, too, or any other Leagueworld. Every time I start getting overly analytical, I get so frustrated and sick and tired that I want to cry. Even if I'm interested, even if I'm making progress, even if I'm in a good mood... it doesn't matter. Too much thinking = instant exhaustion and depression.
That's what's been happening today. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's going on with the corrupt energy up here, so we can avoid encountering or exacerbating it again, but the more I research and write, the more headaches I get. And thanks to  my moral upbringing, I can't tell if that's good or bad? Is that my body telling me, "stop it, this isn't something you should spend time thinking about," OR is it some darker force doing that on purpose, trying to keep me from making beneficial progress? How do I know? It's like when I was growing up, I could never tell if my pains and terrors were "punishment," or "tests." The former was because I was bad, and the latter was because I was good. But which was it? I never knew.
I still don't. In 2011 the Tar told me it needed to exist, in order for me to understand what "the right thing" was. But was it lying? Why would I need dichotomy to comprehend goodness? CAN I be good WITHOUT its sinful balance, if that's true? That feels utterly wrong, but... I don't know.


It's funny, but I'm glad-- since I'm one of the few fronters in the System, I'm the only one that has to deal with the eating disorders and gender dysphoria and PTSD triggers there firsthand. Sure, it leaks through, but I'm glad that I'm the one that has to take the brunt of it. I wouldn't want anyone else in the System having to struggle with this.

I know Infi said most post-2010 memories should be mine, but did he forget about the Scratch? I'm reviewing things from 2011 and I swear to you, I do not remember them. Most of 2012 is also gone. I have no idea whose memories these are. It's scary at times, but it is totally true. Nevertheless that worries me. I didn't realize I was dissociating regularly until THIS APRIL. And the Undergrounders found explicit proof of that happening back in 2010, during the first SLC trip, which I do not remember at all. I don't. There are two or three location memories, but nothing firsthand, again. Do you know how bizarre that is, to know that things happened, but to see them all as an outside observer in memory, as someone that wasn't actually there? Who in the world was in charge, for that whole time?
...I think I know why infi said "should." Wasn't 2010 the year that the main fronter's inner presentation color changed from red to white? So yes, by that train of thought, their memories "should" be mine, as I'm that color now... but, looking back on what the Undergrounders showed me, whoever had White back then apparently held the negative side of it. That person was NOT a nice person. Is that where all this internal corruption came from? I don't want to go through the archives and look for what they did to put all this poison in here, as that attention will just make it louder and stronger... but again, is that the smartest move? Is that the correct decision?
I know I keep trying to clear things out, meditating and healing, but do I need specifics? Can I generally try and get rid of the corruption as a whole, or do I need to chip away at it? People tell me, "don't identify with it," and I don't, but acknowledging that it exists feels like I'm doing that. It's confusing. That's why I tend to ignore any and all pain. Saying "yes, there is pain and fear and anger," feels like I'm making those feelings a part of who I am. That's a scary feeling in and of itself, so I just stay sparkle-eyed and away from it.
That's why I don't have any past memories, I would think. Because, post-reset and all that, all those past emotions and thoughts and memories got stripped from me, leaving nothing but this childlike innocence behind, incapable of even thinking the way they did. But then... now what? By virtue of my forced naivete I can't function in the waking world, there are too many triggers that exist whether or not I want them to. But they need to be acknowledged to be healed... but paying attention to them makes them louder... what do I do?
I've been going in circles for years, I'd gather, if this still hasn't been solved. But how do we solve it, if there is nothing to solve in my eyes? If I see all the pain and fear as false, as "not real," there's nothing for me but wide-eyed wonder and a total detachment from the trauma of the past. But that trauma still lingers, even if its only proof is the Tar, and the hacks that used to use me specifically because of my ignorance of them. I don't know if that was mentioned recently, but that's why the morning hacks always happened. I just learned that those were hopefully fixed, but I'll admit, it's my fault that they occurred. I'd want to talk with Infinitii, or spend time with him or anything, but then something would be "triggered" and then I'd be gone, because by my function, I am not CAPABLE of fronting when a trigger happens! And then suddenly I'd come back, and Infi would be crying and scared, and I'd know something had hurt him but I'd tell him "everything will be okay" and then I'd go on my merry way. And it wasn't until much later that I'd learn that something had happened while I'd been away, someone had used the body to harm Infi, to harm other people too, and I'd be torn inside because I don't want them to be hurt, but... what do I do? What can I do? Am I even supposed to tackle this problem, or is that someone else's playing field? Do I stay the innocent core, the reminder of what we were BEFORE the trauma happened, forever untouched by it, OR do I forever shatter that innocence by trying to keep everyone else from suffering the trauma that happened anyway?
Geez I don't know. I really don't know. And that breaks my heart because I'm happy, I am so happy, but I know there are malicious things in this body besides me, and even if they can't hurt me directly, they can very easily use me to hurt someone else. And I don't want that happening anymore.

Javier is getting a better anchor upstairs. He's learned that he can't jump straight into fronting, because he doesn't have an "identity" to front with yet, so he can't interact with the waking world obviously. I wonder if other systems have troubles like that? We never had many "social" fronters, because we had no need or desire to go outside of the mind. Only Jewel (the original) and Celebi did, but they spent their time drawing or going online. I know we had a few online people, but then that spinningcannon person kind of tripped the alarm system by deciding she was going to start interacting with people directly? And then that forced out everyone that had stayed hidden inside up to that point. I guess in an ironic way we have to thank her for exhuming us all, but man, it sure was scary at first, with everyone having to deal with that rush of revealed pain and fear all at once. Thank goodness Laurie was the first headvoice to manifest, otherwise I don't think anyone would have survived. But yeah, because 90% of our trauma happened internally, most of us stayed inside. The people fronting outside didn't know about us until many many years later! And we're still trying to catch the attention of some of them. The Autopilot was the main one though-- it had no identity of its own, existing as a collection of stock phrases and obligations, and we didn't even learn how to control it until sometime in late 2010. But it fronts, because it is easy for it to do so, as it doesn't have to worry about a self or anything that goes with that. Whereas everyone inside, we have our own identities and roles and responsibilities, and if we were suddenly forced to go and front in the body, which is strange and weird and lives a life we don't understand, that would be extremely stressful! So the AP does it instead, and we stay inside, and live our lives in here.

We've found out that the Autopilot defaults to "yes" when it isn't given an order, which explains a lot of the trouble it used to get us in. Even in a dangerous situation, if someone didn't ORDER IT NOT TO, it would default to going ahead anyway. Isn't that weird? But in a way that's good to know, because now we can give it very specific instructions and forbiddances, and if we repeat those over and over they stick as parts of its program. But we have to overwrite a LOT of old bad programs first. Also it places everyone else automatically at a priority higher than itself-- which is kind of helpful for the eating disorders, because if you repeatedly program it that certain trigger foods "belong to someone else," it will avoid them all the time because it doesn't want to "steal them." But like we said, a LOT needs to be overwritten first, including the biting compulsion, which poor Emmett is stuck to too, as are most of the food and stress alters. Still it's a start, now that we know HOW to program it.
Javier gave it a VERY STRICT ORDER that, if someone tries to manipulate it into doing something even vaguely sexual, it is NOT ALLOWED to take any action UNTIL it asks the kids upstairs whether or not they agree to it. If even one of them says no, the Autopilot MUST SAY NO, no matter what. Javier said that defaulting to "yes" in a harmful situation, just because "no one told it to refuse," was causing a great deal of trauma to the kids, and it was ignoring their rights to both safety and free speech. (Javier is very big on rights and safety). He emphasized this very loudly, making it clear that there were to be no exceptions. So we'll have to repeat that every day. I know there WAS an attempt by Julie to hack it sometime today, but it DID ask David, and he immediately shouted "no," so the Autopilot repeated that and left. Julie was stunned but absolutely livid, because she had apparently counted on the AP's inability to refuse up to this point. So maybe now we'll have a lot less hacks when no one is driving or watching the AP like a hawk, which is often.

Speaking of memories, Waldorf reminded us today that she has all the media memories of the past that she can access in the archives, which no one else has access to. The only thing she can't get is Pokemon stuff, as that was it's own division for many years, and Celebi has that instead. But Waldorf remembers the books and movies and games that the teenage fronters were interested in, since she originally would take pieces from ALL of them for inspirational purposes. So that's cool. If anyone needs that stuff we can go to her.
Celebi is just so mad that the Tar was pretending to be a member of her species for that long while. Cel herself was our main fronter around 2001, but she stayed online, or in videogames. She and Jewel were aware of each other back then and fronted at different times, but they both effectively stopped fronting once spinningcannon showed up in 2004, and that's when the infamous high school time gap of 4 years happens! Oh well. That's not what I'm talking about. Celebi is just very angry that her existence was used as a springboard for the Tar to get at J, whoever he was back then, whenever the Tar-Celebi stuff happened. She's not holding a grudge, she's just mad! But I don't blame her.

Oh, also Josephina loves Javier's hair, and got upset when he found out that we wouldn't be letting Javier do that to the body, nor would we be letting him get gauges and lip piercings, haha. Still, maybe we can get Jo to help us with clarifying Javier's outfit on that Subeta generator thing, as that does help very much with visual anchors, plus he needs to be in the lineup pictures for heaven's sakes. So does Emmett, but he's so utterly non-humanoid we're going to have to Photoshop most of him in! Oh well, needs to be done. I know we did that for a bunch of people, notably Wally, Chaos, Knife and Xenophon... go take a look, it's impossible to actually have those avatars on the site!


Let's get back to the energy stuff from earlier. Let me back in, please.
Here, let's just post what was written earlier about the B/W energy, and Pink as well. It could be relevant, who knows.
This is all assumed accurate, at least in the current time period, unless later stated to be otherwise.

"White energy is INDIVIDUALLY CREATIVE ENERGY. Black energy is the source of the "merge drive," which J originally thought was reproductive, due to not having knowledge of other contexts. But it is the EXACT OPPOSITE: merge drives seek loss of self, they seek total unity. They have NO reproductive capacity because they seek to make everything one. White energy, however, deals with making "one from many," with the value of the individual self. It multiplies life, instead of consolidating it.
This is where corruptive confusion comes in. White energy does not create in a sexual context unless you ANCHOR it to the physical, and even then it only operates as a basic reproductive drive, the same thing everything from ants to amoebas operate on. It is NOT some sort of dangerous lustful thing like the equally corrupted Pink energy kept promoting.
But THIS is why Pink got so confusing over the years. Pink energy deals with affection, with childlike intimacy, with romantic but chaste love. It is inherently NON-SEXUAL. Julie, when she was originally created, only wore that color as a symbol of femininity, NOT as sexuality. Julie was also INNOCENT at her manifestation, as was the Pink energy, the way it should be. HOWEVER, our original fronter created her as a vessel for their thoughts of hatred and negativity: thoughts that were shoved into the subconscious, becoming the Tar. This entity acted like a parasite, eventually darkening Julie's color, although that total distortion didn't happen until about 5 years later: outside influences plus buried negativity turned Julie abusive, and since she worked through Pink, this tainted our original fronter's perception of that color and its aspects indelibly: Pink then became the brazen sexualization of all things feminine and intimate, EVEN children like they were. On that note, Julie's color pink and the REAL color pink each have very different energy vibes, which only contributed to confusion and mislabeling, due to J not even being aware of the latter UNTIL NOW.

 Nevertheless, J has been WELL aware of the difference between pink energy and sexuality since FEBRUARY 2011, although it admittedly didn't "register" until January 2012 (when his psyche split further, creating Eros to help fix any misrouting). Regardless, this vital difference has been repeated to him several times since then, by many different people, but J eventually began to ignore these admonishments due to crushing doubt, self-loathing,  and fear. It is unknown when his psyche made the sudden and drastic switch from "true" pink affection to the corrupted sort, where he began to see everything as sexual, but that event needs to be pinpointed and then healed.
THAT is what happened to fracture J's psyche so severely concerning all his relationships. His strange, admittedly compulsory pursuit of "pink connections" held starkly contrasting motivations and results. He was seeking affection and childlike love, but since the Pink energy was corrupted into something darkly perverted, suddenly he found all his relationships becoming shallow and devoid of real closeness, tainted by his absolute misunderstanding of what the words "relationship" and "love" meant in the first place. To J, every hint of closeness, even familial closeness, was sexualized. It is no surprise at all that he could never let go of his pain and trauma, because he didn't understand what was actually happening both to him, and within his own misinformed mind.

Tainted Black energy holds all negative energy that lingers in the subconscious mind: violence, hatred, rage, lust, etc. It is thick, heavy, and pitch-like, unlike pure Black energy, which is a soft shadowy black, and freely moving like air or silk.
Tainted White energy holds all  negative energy that lingers in the conscious mind: manipulation, pride, apathy, blasphemy, etc. It is crystallized and sharp, unlike pure White energy, which is insubstantial, warmly white and glowing.

Furthermore, J's entire understanding of "connection levels" in the past was FALSE, as it was based on a total misunderstanding of how energy worked, as well as how connections worked. So all previous data on those can be safely discarded. Keep in mind that he stole that term from Dream World in 2011, and blatantly misused it in a completely different context."


That's all that was written, hopefully it's relevant.
I do want to add something, in light of that last paragraph.
HEADSPACE CHANGES CONSTANTLY. THIS INCLUDES ALL OF OUR OBSERVATIONS ABOUT IT.
What may be true today MAY NOT BE TRUE TOMORROW.
This is an incredibly important observation that all inhabitants of headspace MUST keep in mind. Our world evolves and shifts according to what it is needed to be, or become, and therefore what worked in the past may suddenly no longer work, and be redefined in an instant.
This fact does ring true for the strange old "connection levels" concept J invented in the past. That entire train of thought is no longer true, nor does it apply to current headspace reality.
This is why one must ALWAYS be prudent in browsing the archives, as they include data as it was entered at the time, and it has NOT been altered to reflect current truths and/or untruths. I am considering adding a tag to the archive, to notify readers of now-false data, or data which was later proved false to begin with. It would help alleviate a great deal of confusion.


I spoke to Christina today, both in and after church, for a little bit. She said she was doing a lot of praying and asked God to help her understand what was actually going on in her life up here? Something. All I remember for sure is that she now acknowledges that yes she is a headvoice, and yes she shares our reality. Also through honest prayer she was granted access to some parts of the archives (not surprisingly, as she is a Violet headvoice), and she saw a lot of what we went through in the past? What she saw I don't know, but it forced her to re-evaluate both her opinions of us (she's stopped calling us "heathens"), as well as her previous viewpoint that her faith was the ONLY faith and anyone that didn't follow it to the letter was "going to hell." She's still badly confused and existentially terrified of course, but she's making progress, and that's very admirable considering how hard this is for her. But I told her that my role, and the big central tenet of headspace, was that we try to base everything on mutual compassion and love, for each other and for our shared life. And I told her how, even if I wasn't a Christian like her, I still greatly admired and agreed with many of Christ's teachings, as did most of us up here-- because it's moral common sense really, and I personally believe that a good deal of those teachings simply clarify that EVERYONE has not just the potential, but the ability to be "Christlike," by virtue of God being love and us imitating Christ by expressing unconditional love... etc. etc. etc. It's the kind of stuff you can't put into words well or you lose the point. But yeah, she's now willing to work with us on our level, instead of looking down on us condescendingly, which is nice. And I told her she can still think of herself as an angel if she wanted (she was convinced she was one for a long time), as long as she doesn't let that thought get her all tainted with the corrupted White and its insidiously malevolent moral superiority.

What's happened to my faith? That's the question I have right now. With all the spiritual people saying "all your beliefs are wrong" due to limiting my view of truth, and being forced to see the inherent neutrality of everything that used to shred my bones to pieces... somewhere along the line I stopped acting like much of a believer. I'm still aware of love in everything. I still have a deep unflinching awareness of the greater good in all things, even the scary things. But I don't "worship" like Christina does. Her fervency feels alien and unsettling to me. Is that bad, for me to not be able to worship so zealously anymore? I can't tell. I'm just haunted by her old words, by the words my grandmother spoke years before I met her, by condemnations and fears of damnation sneaking behind my ribs, coloring my blood dark in the night. I don't like that. But I don't want ice running through my veins either.
There is a fine line between humility, pride, and self-hatred, and I have trouble seeing it anymore. I stopped listening to my heart when it became an alarm bell for the pain I couldn't bear to feel anymore. I have more faith in Infi and Laurie than I ever did in myself, and when Infi suddenly became a threat to my well-being, against his will and mine... well, I think a lot of my faith in the big picture died a little.
I'm still not sure what to do with this. But I'll keep my heart and mind as open as I can get them, without causing myself to start gushing red again.

Hyakin was in my dream last night?? I think other people were too, but I woke up too suddenly, he's the only one I remember seeing. I spent the whole dream at the music store I talked about yesterday, there was this gang hanging out there spraypainting stuff, and I was telling them what I remembered of that building and the coffeeshop, how beautiful it was to me. I showed them around, oddly the music shop had been turned into someone's house? We all went inside and I said this building had been like home to me, even now that it was so dramatically different I still felt safe there. A few of the gang guys agreed, surprised they said they felt at home there too, it must have been the general vibe of the place. I know they tagged the coffeeshop building, it was still empty. But I remember Hyakin was standing by the road there, I think he was talking to someone, was it Sergei maybe? Either way that's all I recall clearly. Later in the dream I was playing Pokemon Y and I was laughably saddened when I woke up and remembered, "wait, I don't even have a 3DS!" But it was nice. I think I had a Dragalge on my team, aww yes.

Jewel keeps wanting to work on Dream World but it's tough, because she needs to cut off entirely from headspace to do that, and she can't do that when we keep getting red alerts and triggers and stuff. But she's getting impatient because it's been like two weeks? I don't remember. It's been too long. There's gotta be a better way to divvy up time with all of us, so she can work and we can try to heal stuff, without her work being put on hold for years (which it was) or us having to sit with the same old pains for years because no one is looking at it (which has happened too). Where is a happy medium! This is ridiculous sometimes. We're trying to find ways into the Leagueworlds in case headspace ever does collapse for good, a few of us have places already, but not all of us, because it's tough to find fitting positions as well as open timelines! But DW is probably everyone's best bet as that's such a far-reaching realm the way it is. We'll see.

We have our own Last.fm now, separate from the original one that holds our entire old libraries. We're going to use this new one to categorize our own playlists and stuff, because one of the previous fronters kept deleting our stuff from the original account, and we don't want that happening anymore.
Also guess what, I'M STARTING TO ORDER THE BEADS. I'm making a few custom orders and finding colors for a few final people, but the project is officially under way now! Also Celebi is now the one pushing us to actually do the "personal box" thing downstairs as well, but now the question is, what do we use as boxes? How big? We'll have to find out. She just wants a place to put her Pokemon cards and orange ginger mints, hehe. But hey, that's HER stuff, that's a very important thing. It's nice to have stuff downstairs that's ours too.
Speaking of. In light of talking to Christina today, J really wants to try and bring Julie back. Apparently he's feeling a lot of despair from her? Like she really doesn't know who she is or what she wants, she's being pulled in all directions by all sorts of different things. But J is the kind of softie that will ALWAYS give someone a second chance, or a second thousandth chance, and he's the guy that apparently got Julie to join us for a while last year. J says he supposes maybe she's remembering that, since the Pink slot is redefining itself at long last, and looking for a new core slot holder. Eros is trying to manifest again, he was talking to Laurie "telepathically" for a while this morning while she was with Javier, she was really mad at first because last week or so when he got taken back out of J, he was REALLY messed up from the energy being equally damaged again. But he demanifested and now he's trying to come right back that same way, so Laurie had to go all gung-ho and tell him that PINK IS DIFFERENT NOW, it's no longer tied to the old corruption so he CAN'T come back as he was previously. It took a little bit but she apparently got through to him? So if he wants to be the Pink core he CANNOT be tied to sexual abuse or rerouting in ANY way, he has to work as a sort of "role model" for the other Pinks, that's the wrong term but it's close? Like if you hold a core slot, you HAVE to reflect that energy's characteristics in a true and good way, so that everyone else in that color (who have variations of that core energy) can look to you for grounding and stuff. You're not superior to them as a core, you just have a very strict job! But we haven't had a core Pink person EVER, besides Julie trying to be one for a year but she had the wrong color, so whoever gets it now would have a lot on their heads in terms of responsibility. I know Knife is kind of the "placeholder" Pink leader, ironically as he has the darkest shade of it and wasn't very compassionate at all originally, but he's made incredible progress towards that so people look to him. Anyway that's that. We think that if Julie comes back she won't be allowed to be the core, even if she changes her color, but then again who knows? Things change so fast, nothing is ever set in stone, all we can do is guess and then sit back and watch. Whether we're right or wrong doesn't really matter most of the time, as long as we can grow for the better from the answer (or lack thereof) that we get.

Last note. Jay here. This is what I was trying to say with the first sentence.
Love, love is what we need to remember, at all costs even. Remember we CAN'T fight the Tar or the Plague, both of them get stronger the more violence and rage is around them. Laurie had to throw her axe to the ground and use the Angel Helmet the last time they showed up, even she couldn't get them to stop with weapons! So you see, we cannot fight fire with fire.
But it's not just "fighting." It's healing too, more than anything. Forgiveness and love.
I've realized that, over the years, I've been slowly pushed to forgive more and love more. It got harder and harder as I grew, the fronters changed, but some weird bloodline followed me even until now. I thought it was hard to forgive Julie, but I did. I thought it was hard to forgive Celebi, but I did. Then Chaos became the source of pain, but I still managed to forgive him... and when I thought that was as tough as it could ever get, suddenly Infinitii became the one I had to forgive. But I did.
And now, it's just hit me. I'm at the hardest part ever now.
It's not forgiving the Tar and the Plague. I know, and have always known, that they are actually incredibly easy to forgive, because they are cruel by their nature, and even in their cruelty they help me learn and grow. It's so easy to forgive something that's as black-and-white as that in terms of morality, for me at least. But when the morality is grey, when someone who loves you hurts you by accident, when it wasn't intentional or when they didn't think it would hurt... somehow, for me, that is so much harder to forgive. I have no problems forgiving someone who hurts me on purpose, even with the intent to harm or maim. I don't know why. But when someone damages me so badly, without meaning to... why is that so hard to forgive?
And that's the hilariously ironic bit of all this. That's what makes my final task of love and forgiveness the absolute hardest, something I avoided for years, something I was so blinded to that I didn't even realize it was necessary until it became too important to ignore anymore.
The last person I have to forgive, the last thing I have to learn to love, against all odds... is myself.


I think that's all we needed to say for today? Boy this entry was a mess. We've been severely dissociated all day so we're not sure what's going on much, or who needs to say what.
But it looks like a lot of good and important things were said today, and that makes me happy, so good night!

oct 26

Oct. 26th, 2013 06:45 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Lots of important stuff today, good heavens. Let me write down the important stuff first.

- First off, THIS HAPPENED last night, it is relevant so there you go.

- There was a "hack" this morning, if you can call it that, since we usually reserve that term for Julie's efforts. However, J REALLY slipped, and Infi is aware of that. However, since everyone was incredibly vigilant this morning, surprisingly, that painful experience triggered a lot of new awareness, since we were actually paying very close attention to every little detail this time.
The most important realization was this: J's very function PREVENTS him from being conscious in those situations! We didn't know that up to this point, but it explains why every attempt to fix or stabilize him fails disastrously-- he doesn't need to be fixed, and we're all getting confused because we're dealing with different people every time. On that note, if you readers didn't know-- yes, in our System he CAN dissociate in headspace. Our System is internally based after all. Only the bloodline fronters seem to do this though; when other voices slip, it's a result of energy confusion or bleedover, not an actual identity split.
So when J suddenly stopped acting like J, Laurie stepped in and took charge. Since J was in a mostly-energetic form at the moment, she literally reached into that, and pulled out whoever this split person was. Well, the person she removed had red hair and eyes, and although he looked different, the first name on our minds was Eros. That guy's been a 50/50 threat since he came into existence last December, and when he disappeared we were all wondering what happened. See, J has to stay separate from the things Eros holds, as they stand in total opposition to his function. So having the two of them unknowingly share a body was just a disaster.
After that, the memory is extremely fuzzy. J cannot access it, and we do not know who stored it. Infi remembers most of it but he won't elaborate. All we know for sure is that, after everything settled down, J "showed up" and said he had no idea what had just happened. That is when Infi declared the second paragraph here (J himself isn't damaged, he's just tangled), but then the body fell asleep so recall is also mangled thanks to that.

- We were right all along; J is NOT the default fronter now, even after the reset attempts, and there are a LOT more than two people who cycle that role during the day. Since we've been paying a lot of attention to it for a while as well, and today there was some notable clarity, our tentative knowledge of the people who typically front is as follows:
  • J (white hair and eyes). He is the observing inner consciousness, but he is not tied to the body. Ironically, although he is unmistakable when he fronts, it is notoriously difficult to tell when he's not fronting due to everyone assuming he's in charge downstairs as well. A rule of thumb is that he's very childlike; his central tenet is innocence.
  • Jay (brown hair and eyes?) He is NOT the same as the above guy. We're still trying to pinpoint him actually, but he has no trouble fronting in the body as long as dysphoria does not become an issue-- then he gets kicked. He's eccentric but relaxed, preferring to keep to himself. He seems to be somewhat "cut off" from upstairs, meaning he is likely anchored on the downstairs level. He also appears to be the "default" fronter, instead of J. We are also NOT SURE if he is tied to "Jayce" at all? But we haven't seem him interact with a reflection yet, so.
  • Jewel (brown hair and eyes). She still wears her backwards baseball cap and Klonoa-styled hair. Her age is still unknown; although she appears around 13-14, she often gives her age as either "12" (her original, most stable age) or "16," possibly because 2006 was the last time she was actively able to front in the body.  She's always optimistic and loves life, but she finds it incredibly difficult to interact with other people due to her internal roots.
  • The Autopilot, who does have a corporeal form: it's a cyborg, all white plating and black wiring, with red accent lights and eyes. It doesn't have a "personality," but it IS self-aware, although it refuses a "self,' if you can grasp that concept. It gained its "overlay" form (the personal physical appearance that a fronter projects "over" the body; they're not necessary but they are helpful, also they do not need to also exist in headspace) when it fronted for several days in early July, during the first massive reset when Infinitii was temporarily dead.
  • An unnamed female voice, who is only triggered by 'casual' social interaction. She's been around for years, possibly being born at our first job, and she causes us a lot of trouble because she is almost entirely automated, without any "personality." As a result we think she's a splinter, not a headvoice, and we're going to try and either reprogram or dissolve her.
There are likely others, but these are the only ones we are sure of.
Also, it still seems to stand that any Leagueworld fronters have NO "SELF," as that severely interferes with Link function. League work usually occurs with marked dissociation, but no fronter-- meaning the body is running on automated programs during that time. This can be very dangerous, which is why we are trying to fix programming, or at least put ourselves in safe situations where harmful automated functions would not be available.

- It appears that, if two headvoices from different levels are trying to front, they CAN co-front to an extent, since they are operating in different respects (typically downstairs voices stay in the body, upstairs voices stay in headspace). This is interesting and offers new possibilities that we may be able to use to our advantage.

- The "underground" (Tar level) headvoice that has been tormenting David has been revealed. Her name is Sharona. She is an adult woman, which is unusual. She has long black hair and shocking blue eyes, which is noteworthy, as Julie also has blue eyes and this may be playing havoc on the BLUE slot upstairs. In any case, Jeremiah and Mulberry have taken a specific stand against her for the sake of protecting the children.

- I just remembered, we were doing the laundry earlier and Jeremiah suddenly fronted? That was surprising; it's very rare for headvoices to spontaneously front as their functions are mostly internal. Apparently, my grandmother owns this really fuzzy blue sweater, and Jeremiah saw it and showed up immediately, cuddling it up to his face for a while. Apparently it was the "perfect sort of sweater" in his opinion, which is good to hear actually, as he's very picky with clothing due to not feeling "safe" in most of it.

- Knife, Laurie and I (J) were trying to talk to Christina for a while this evening. Laurie was right; she is scared. She was trying to explain the whole "Jesus died for your sins" thing to Knife, due to his 'atonement' role, but he was struggling with that concept apparently? Then at some point he let it slip that he was a vampire and she freaked out. Knife was confused (as usual when that happens), but so was Christina, because Knife wears a cross, and those are usually used to repel vampires down here in the physical world. Anyway I have no idea what else they talked about, all I know is that Laurie was standing further down the hall from where Christina was (she was in some sort of small chapel; it felt like it was underground), and the two started talking. Knife asked Laurie if he should stop wearing a cross, because he didn't want to casually wear a Christian symbol if he didn't identify with that, and that's when I showed up because I clearly heard that line and decided to speak up. So I phased in and told him that Hosea, a character from Hokthai, wears a cross because he sees its ties to the Jesus act as a reminder of "someone who loved humanity so much that they were willing to die to save it." However, we all had a bit of trouble with the idea that humanity was "inherently bad," in the original sin idea, so we were discussing this again when Christina stuck her head out the door and grumpily asked us why we were there. Now that's when we all started talking to her, but you'll have to forgive me because my memory is awful and I don't know most of what we talked about. I do know that she was mad at us because we all have qualities she views as "wrong" somehow: Laurie swears and "isn't a boy or a girl," Knife is a vampire, and I'm apparently a "homosexual" (which is a common but not entirely untrue misconception). Of course Laurie kept trying to get her to explain her views on this, but Christina essentially refused to question things too much, as she viewed us as "devils tempting her," trying to get her to "lose her faith." To that Laurie specifically said that no, she was trying to get her to "expand it." She could have a much more inclusive, open-eyed faith if she would stop refusing to consider other facets of things. But Christina's fear won out and she said no. Again, we talked for a while, but we didn't give up and leave until Laurie somehow ended up mentioning Julie, and Christina got stuck in this bizarre moral complex, saying that it was wrong for Julie to rape people because that was "abusing the gift of sexuality" (which Laurie was actually thankful she said; it meant that I couldn't try to convince myself that being abused was a "good thing" out of my own fears, if Christina of all people disagreed)... but then she said that Julie was doing the better thing in "trying to cure me of my homosexuality," and although she couldn't justify the rape with that, she couldn't completely condemn her either. At this Laurie literally threw her hands in the air and said "that's it, we're done," and left without another word basically. She knows when to stop! Anyway after we left we all agreed that we were going to stop having such spiritual/ religious talks with Christina because, really, we were doing the same thing we wanted her to stop doing: trying to convince people to change their opinions to what we wanted. As a result we all decided to let her do her own thing, unless she started actively harming people, then of course we'd have to step in. But no more controlling, even in indirect ways. That's not good.
Oh, and I almost forgot: at one point Laurie asked her if she was trying to convert everyone because she cared about them, or because she cared about everyone having the same beliefs as her? Would she still care about us if we weren't Christians? I don't remember if she answered that; she seemed really conflicted over it, especially with how "morally corrupt" she saw the three of us as, for different reasons.

- Lastly, most importantly maybe, Waldorf managed to FINALLY anchor back into headspace today! Josephina (who has been unstable but at least he's not dying) was ecstatic to see her of course, so that was great. Wally is seriously considering moving back into the Central BLUE slot if at all possible, since she misses us and really, she could hold that role really well if only we could fix the inherent instability in the Blue slot (same with Pink obviously). So we'll work on it. We missed her a lot.

- No wait, on that note, I forgot to mention why we're so worried about Sugar right now. Besides notable inner instability, the biggest warning sign that a headvoice is slipping into demanifestation is that people tend to forget them. Like they actually "slip" out of awareness. Before Waldorf left Central last year (as she was slipping too badly at the time to stay), we kept "accidentally" leaving her out of headspace lineups, forgetting that the Blue color existed at all, stuff like that. Major warnings that we couldn't believe were happening. And it's happening now, with Sugar. Although we're all aware of her, in therapy she often gets excluded from lineups, which is bizarre, and lately I've been forgetting her color slot. Which, again, is freaky, because I know full well what it is, but it's the present knowledge that falters when someone starts to slip. Thankfully we're at least now able to tell that she IS being "hacked" by faceless people, in that they are literally using her like parasites thanks to her energy being so close to theirs, so we can drag her out when we catch it. And thanks to that, her internal form IS becoming more clear and stable. Turns out there is a faceless voice that took on a temporary form that looked almost IDENTICAL to her, except it was brown in color. I daresay that sounds familiar? (We were vaguely suspecting of such an individual over a month ago). AND that weird faceless voice that seems to be protecting the Spectrum room has latched onto the idea of holding a Pink slot, thanks to us talking to it about it... problem is it has become fond of Sugar's slot, specifically, which isn't good as she's already in it! That needs to be fixed, we don't need it being stolen. So we'll continue to be vigilant about her.

- Oh wait. Forgot to mention this too because it felt too much like "nothing changed at all."
CHAOS IS BACK IN HEADSPACE, AND HIS COLOR CHANGED.
I am dead serious, he's like this starry dark blue it is CRAZY. Also I think his name changed in headspace at least? Like with Rio and Markus and Genesis. And that makes me wonder; I think that NEEDED to happen. He was the only one out of our original group who didn't fix their manifestation in that sense, so this was surprising but not unexpected if that makes sense.
Anyway, I didn't get to talk to him yet. Not much, I know I saw him talking to Laurie and I said a few words but I don't remember that sadly. All I recall is being unable to access any memory of him again, and Laurie said maybe we just need to get to know each other again? Like just be friends and spend time together without any preconceived notions. Chaos smiled and said he was perfectly fine with that. So we'll see on that too.


That's it for tonight; battery is about to die again so we need to call it quits for now.
Tomorrow is Sunday, with the NNWM thing that we're honestly not sure if we can pull off: writing books is beyond the abilities of most of us as we don't think that way; plus we have no idea what "normal people" live like... but thankfully we don't write about "normal people" when we do, so that's a slight relief, haha. In any case we did sign up, so we'll have to deal with it the best we can. Here's hoping there's no social fronter interference though; being in a group of people like that usually causes instant dissociation. We might have to rotate people, who knows.
In any case, no use worrying about it. Let's just give it a shot and see how it goes.
See you tomorrow evening, let's hope!

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The Lightraye System

January 2014

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