spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Yeesh, yesterday's entry was a bit of a mess! Let me look through it briefly and put together a coherent list of responses for my therapist on Tuesday (she had to cancel today; I trusted in that and it's kind of good that she did; it gives us more time to process that heavy stuff).
I'm not going to edit it either, although I don't approve of all the triggering and negative thinking, because there's probably useful information in there anyway, at least as far as therapy is concerned. If we can't just drop this all at once yet, then we'll work through it bit by bit. But I'm thinking of a line I just read in A Swiftly Tilting Planet:
"I have shed my tears for the past. Today is for mirth. Why have you dragged me through tears again?"
"So that you may leave them behind you."
Let's do that. Let's just leave it all behind, may this be the last time we ever have to deal with it again.

Answers only; questions are in the previous post and don't need to be re-typed.
(I MAY add some if I remember any on my own that are legitimate and weren't mentioned.)
(A note: all "triggers" can vary in severity, frequency, types of reactions, and number of people affected. This is not a system-absolute list.)

1. Worst triggers (that don't apply to other sections): Touches, food (even the mention of or possibility of either),  all suggestive or sexual content, certain words/phrases that are perceived as threatening or sexual, being referred to or seen as a biological female, sharp knives (esp. x-actos), masking tape (rarely)

2. Sounds: Sudden loud noises of any sort // Loud voices, esp. when yelling // Sustained loud background noise, esp. things like heavy-duty air conditioning // Whispers // Wet sounds of ANY sort // Non-verbal vocal sounds (chewing, grunts, smacking, breathing) // Any vocal sound related to pain that isn't outright screaming or crying (moaning, shouting, weird exclamations, etc.) // When people hiss their "s" letters or talk in a prissy manner (like the mother) // Girly and/or sultry female voices // Repetitive chants or prayers // Steady, constant rhythms // Marching bands and carnival music

3. Smells: Anything fishy // Nail polish // Perfume and hairspray // Women in general, esp. the mother and grandmother // Bathrooms // Sugar // Cigarette smoke // "Fairground" smells, esp. the food

4. Touch: Potentially anything and everything; worst non-sexual places are torso, legs, and face // Any and all sexual touches are traumatic // Sudden, light touches (being bumped into, brushed past, tapped on shoulder, hand on back, etc.) // Sustained but not deep touch, i.e. when people "don't let go," esp. if holding shoulders, or leaving a hand on any part of my body ('painful' touch of this sort (heavy pressure) is acceptable) // Certain textures of clothing, esp. long sleeves, long pants, & tight shirts // My own hair, when unkempt // Being touched  in any fashion when trying to sleep or rest // The sensation of fullness after eating // Swallowing anything // Being close to people with "loud" auras (esp. the grandmother, who radiates anger and sorrow and pain) //

5. Taste: Chocolate, but only thanks to association with sexual abuse (lust and gluttony are inherently tied to us). Food (consuming) in general is a major trigger, regardless of what kind. We are affected by the very act and thought of eating, not by the flavor of the food.

6. Images: Anything and everything sexual, suggestive, risque, etc. including "socially acceptable" ones like store mannequins wearing swimsuits // Self-injury // Blood // Violence of any sort

7. Acting 'abnormally': assuming everyone wants sexual favors from me: i.e. being unable to understand personal relationships as anything but obligatorily sexual; may often overlap with two secondary functions of cold business, or mindless entertainment for the sake of "survival"  // Avoiding and often hating everyone who I see as a "threat" in this sense, esp. people who "like me." This is dramatic, sudden, and total // Reacting "like a child" when yelled at, thanks to children being triggered // Related, sudden and dramatic shifts in mood when interacting with people, often followed by severe fatigue and memory loss (now explained by quick successive fronting). This has been called out several times.

8. What triggers remind you of: Sexual abuse, although the actual incidents have been all but totally erased from accessible memory. Childhood punishment and psychological/ spiritual damage may also be triggered, but this is rare.



spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
All right, since the therapist is giving us copies of certain chapter pages from Amongst Ourselves, I thought it would be prudent to record our answers to the questions they offer in here.
The first set is in chapter 3, and it deals with types of memories.
Since I could tell this would be very difficult to fill out in handwriting-- we tend to dissociate dramatically when writing by hand and it can become literally impossible to continue if it's bad enough-- it is going on here instead. Logic alters such as myself are better suited for typed words, as we do not have to worry about the strain of fronting and the AP translation blocker when doing so.
After the questions we will likely post a separate entrie documenting our thoughts concerning the rest of the chapter. I should like to keep them separate.

Whoever is willing and able to answer these questions, please do so. Do not hesitate to ask for help, support, or assistance if it is needed. Thank you.
Nothing will be censored or otherwise edited. Feel free to write what you wish, as you wish, however you wish.
I may take it upon myself to make a coherent final version, but your input will be left untouched.

ACTIVITY 3.2: UNDERSTANDING TYPES OF MEMORIES


"Think about situations that you know you may be overreacting to. In your journal, record as many of these situations as you can. Once you have them recorded, try to answer the following items. Write your answers in your journal."

We will be referring to the archive for this 'list,' as we do not feel capable of currently creating an entire new one just yet: not only are those tied to those situations still emotionally raw concerning them, but we also do not yet know who holds the actual trauma memories.
Questions will therefore be answered according to past data, or current knowledge, both of which will be explained when needed.

1. What are the triggers that made you overreact?
Being touched, ALWAYS. // (Well, not always, but often enough.) // Mostly, it's unintentional or sudden, light touch. Being bumped into, accidentally brushed past, even tapped on the shoulder, is horrifying. // The WORST is when people do that and DON'T LET GO. Like when people try to move you in another direction, they put their hand on your back and try to change your direction. It's HORRID. // I don't even like being aware of physical sensation. Feeling the hair on my head, or clothing, or even just being aware of my physical body can trigger people that get overwhelmed by it. // I DON'T LIKE CLOTHES! // But not having clothes is dangerous. // THAT'S another thing! We have to share a bed at night and it scares the littles, but we can't avoid it. But sometimes the grandmother will tap us with her foot, or reach over and just drop her hand onto the covers, just to check if we're there but it's SCARY. I know someone used to actually scream when that happened. It scared her a few times but they couldn't help it. I understand. // So... touch in general can be a trigger. // The biggest, probably. // Oh, and food. // ...Is she around? // No, just be careful. Food makes her angry. And it makes the body feel sick and strange so we don't like it either. Neither did Emmett. Or Spine, I think. I didn't know her. // Is that tied to feeling though? // Mostly. Also body image, because of dysphoria-- gender and form related-- and the trauma. // So food and touch. Anything else? // Loud noises. Noise in general, sometimes. People talking, // PEOPLE WHSIPERING // Anything small and weird like that. Chewing comes to mind. Same with grunts and things. Non-verbal sounds. // ALL OF THEM. // Certain words too. And the way they're pronounced. If you say a letter wrong, or we think the wrong context, it can get bad. // And some people 'feel" loud. Some people walk by and they feel so ANGRY or sad or sick that we pick it up, and it's AWFUL because the only way to escape it is to go outside for a long while. // I don't like the grandmother. // A LOT of us don't. She's a walking barrel of triggers. // Like a loaded gun. She won't stop talking. EVER. // No social graces. // Okay, point taken. // AND SHE'S ALWAYS MAD!!! // So... empathy? Is a trigger? Why? // Hm. Probably because of how WE used to feel like that. After hacks and all, there would be horrible suicidal feeling. // All right, anything else? // Ice cubes, nail polish, masking tape. // No, don't talk about those. No one remembers those. // That's the point. But when you remember, they can all be bad. // So just forget about them. Let it go. // Any smells? // YES BUT WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT!!!!! // Okay. // STOP TALKNG ABOUT IT. STOP. STOP! // Okay. We will. I think we got enough information here.

2. What kinds of sounds are likely to trigger reactions or memories? Do you overreact to loud noises? Whispering? Drumming? Chanting?
YES ALL OF THOSE // We just mentioned those. Loud noises immediately elicit hypervigilance, usually not even panic until we can figure out what the heck is going on and whether or not we are safe. // Loud NOISES. Not voices. Loud VOICES are immediate panic, and usualy trigger somebody. Usually a little. // Think of the children. Don't yell. // Whispering is even worse, but we all know that. We won't talk about it anymore, as oddly that's one of the most disturbing things we have to put up with. Not sure why? Where is that rooted? // Well find out later. Answer the main question. What about the drumming and chanting? Why would that trigger you? // I don't know. It just makes me deeply uneasy and nervous. Scared, but not in the way whispering makes me scared. // Scared more in the way of "something ominous is going to happen," or "something is very very wrong here." Not "oh my god I'm going to die or be killed." // Not the same? // No. Death can happen as a consequence. Not just direct intention. // Okay. Was there ever drumming or chanting in the childhood? // Not that I know of, but there WAS a lot of religious practice. Lots of weird repetetive prayer, and the like. And that was always in a negative light, rosaries were used as punishment if you were a terrible person. Prayers were said while being threatened by the devil, or hell, or beng told that Jesus doesn't love you because you're a bad boy. So prayer, or chanting, got tied to damnation and unforgiveness. It's why praying now, in a traditional form, feels wrong. It makes us automatically 'feel' that old creeping fear. // Drumming? // Drumming freaks me out. // Why? // Rhythm. Let's not say anything more. I really don't want to. // It's tied to the chanting too. It's a repetetive, mindless action to us. Something done in a passive-aggressive threat, or in a way that is ignoring you directly, but saying "this is being done specifically because you are evil, OR because you will be punished." And that was either an imminent warning of great punishment, or part of the punishment. // The drums? // No, the motivation. Sorry I got confused. But that's what drums make ME think of. The chanting repetition. // Otherwise drums seem fairly innocuous. // Not when in rhythm. Never in rhythm. // Are there any other triggering sounds that AREN'T voices? // ...Not in that sense. Some of us are sensitive to sounds, because we "feel" them, but nothing directly tied to trauma that I know of. Except those non-verbal noises like we mentioned. // Okay. // AND GIRLS VOICES ARE ALWAYS BAD, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS // Always? Our therapist doesn't trigger us. // YOUNGER GIRLS MOSTLY. RARELY OLDER GIRLS. ONLY LIKE THE MOTHER. // Ah. And she has a very childish quality to her voice. // So any voices that remind us of Julie are automatic triggers. // THE WORST. // Okay.

3. What kinds of smells trigger your reactions? Do you feel yourself starting to have difficulty concentrating when you smell certain scents?
YES WHY ARE THEY ASKING THESE QUESTIONS // We're safe, nothing is going to happen. // YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, IT MIGHT, SHE COULD HEAR US AND DECIDE TO MAKE IT WORSE. // I'll make sure she doesn't. Go on. // Oh, okay. Wow. So, what sorts of scents cause problems? // Seafood. // Ah. Understood. What else? // Old women. Old people in general. The grandmother. Very bad. // What about food? // Nothing tied to trauma. It's just nauseating. // Chocolate comes close though. // Good point. // PERFUME. // Perfume is evil in general. But I get what you mean. // Nothing tied to the cellar? // Not sure, let me check. Nope, nothing traumatic. It just smells bad and I don't want to smell it is all. // Okay. But the first smell is the worst? // YES // Can't function at all when that's around. Have to leave the room. // Bathrooms. // Ah, yeah. That room was hell for most of our lives, huh? // Yes it was. So forget having a janitor job, we'd freak out. // Understood. // That it? // As far as I know. The only ones that come up are those. // No wait, I thought of an unrelated one. Cigarette smoke. And fair smells. // Oh, you mean like amusement parks and fairgrounds? // Yeah. Anything that you typically smell at those places, or any sort of large outdoor public gathering, can make us severely panic flat-out. I've never figured out why. Perhaps the child was terrified of those places. // Or it could be because they're so loud, literally and figuratively. Plus the child never had any control over what he did there, as far as I am aware, or as far as I have been told. // That might also be why he was terrified of brass bands for most of his life. // Really? // Yeah. He couldn't even hear a trumpet without hyperventilating. He was really scared of the sound of marching bands, maybe because of fairs, maybe because of something else. It's odd, but it counts, I would suppose. // Interesting. So add cigarette smoke for sure, and I would assume the smells of fair food? // Yes. Sometimes just summer air too, that I'm aware of. It's all tied to family vacations which he usually did not enjoy at all. // Got it, thanks.

4. Are there certain ways that people can touch you that make you react? Are there places on your body which trigger memories or reactions? Do you feel like you will explode when someone just touches you on the arm? Your legs? What happens when someone you know and love touches you sexually? Does this trigger strong emotions?
Ouch. // The capslock one was shouting the whole time Sherlock was typing that. It is Sherlock, right? // Probably. Don't talk to him, he's got his own job. // She's crying now. The capslock one. Is that the overload girl? // I don't know. But we talked about this touch stuff earlier. // Only a bit.
(several hour time break)
Answering the second part first, it does not matter where someone touches us-- arms, legs, wherever-- it will typically make us feel like we want to explode. The only semi-safe place to be touched is our head, but that usually causes an anger or stress reaction instead of abject terror and survival instinct fear. This is probably because, in the past, NO ONE would touch our head unless it was a protective gesture, and it was always a heavy touch, not a tap or something (which will drive us nuts). // Laurie and my boss still do this. It's one of the safest things for me. // Okay, we're back in the groove. Good. Let's answer the tough questions then. Are there any specific memory-locked locations, or can it literally be anywhere? // Besides the obvious? Virtually anywhere, as you said. It's not so much about location as it is about sensation. However, the torso is a minefield, now that you mention it. If anyone makes contact with that, the reaction is straight-up blind manic 'rage.' Same with the legs, although that is far more panicked. // Anything else? // Face is total frozen terror unless it's someone I trust, in which case it is totally safe. But that is what makes anyone else touching us there so scary. It's a "safe" action from a potentially abusive and unsafe person. // Okay. That leaves the "obvious" one. Last question. It has an interesting catch though, which makes only a few people able to answer it. "Someone you know and love." Anyone who has been in the body in ANY situation of that sort, even secondary, who can answer this? Or were all those memories pretty much destroyed outright? // Most were destroyed. Which kind of answers the question. // The only person I know of who can legitimately answer that question is J, as he was with Infinitii once within the past two weeks in that sense, albeit during a mostly unconscious state. // So knowing him he'll look back on that and try to ignore the fact of it even happening. // Yes. // So that settles it. Familiarity, trust, et cetera mean absolutely nothing when sexual or pseudo-sexual contact is involved. // Pseudo-sexual? // Anything in that general area of the body that does not have explicit sexual intentions. Even just an accidental contact. Details do not matter. If it is in that area then I daresay you know exactly what the reaction will be. // It depends, actually, on who is triggered by it. Jeremiah-- does he ever become triggered by those? // No. He's a post-abuse alter. // The children are also not tied to explicit contact. // They're accidental. And potential. David does not react to threats to that area though, that's Marigold's role, and she panics spectacularly. // Screaming, blackouts. // Sugar will kill you if she manages to get through the fog of horror that surrounds those encounters, and fronts. // She will. But who is triggered by those usually? // I don't know. // Like when there is not a threat, but actual contact. Isn't that a numb alter? // Always. But those don't have names. They're also all drastically suicidal. // I see. That's understandable. // So even if J is with Infi or Chaos-- // The current J doesn't know Chaos. None of us do. Apparently the reboot excluded him. He became too tied to abuse, due to emotional proximity alone, even if he was completely harmless in a 'logical' sense. // So association was his damnation there. // As it is with anyone who gets involved with relationships up here. Anyone. There's too much corruption, danger, and lingering fear and pain. Especially with the Undergrounders being the main system now. // Even Infinitii, whose job is explicitly to change that? // Even him. Remember he is a healer. And a healer has to figure out just what they're healing, and how bad the damage is, before they can do anything. He has to understand what he's working with, and so does J, the core of this. // How is he the core of this? // Bloodline probably. // Oh. But he doesn't hold old trauma memories? // No, but I think he has potential access to them all. I think that's what affects him the most-- peripheral awareness. He gets the consequences without ever having directly experienced things himself, at least, not consciously, or not that he's aware of. // So we still don't know WHO was actually abused when the body was a teenager. // No. // Does... who has the early 2012 memories? And late 2011? I thought that was 'me' but it only matches in name. I have absolutely no idea who that was. // Nor do we. I suppose that's an ongoing search then. // Geez this is a trickier subject than I realized. I didn't think there was this much tar still stuck to it. This much pain. // Well there is, and we need to heal it if we want to get anywhere. // It won't be easy. // No. It won't be, not for scars this deep. Don't fool yourself into thinking you can snap your fingers and wish it away. Deep dark roots aren't yanked out in one go. These need to be dug out, carefully, or you will damage the ground all around it, and leave parts of the roots in the ground regardless, where they will regrow. Do you understand? That's what you've been doing. // I see. That makes a lot of sense actually. // So bring up this subject with your therapist, but be prudent about it. And ask for our help whenever you need it. Do NOT hesitate if you feel incapable of doing this alone. You are not alone, not in any sense. And it would be both foolish and irresponsible to assume that you could tackle this all at once, by yourself. One affects all. We all hold parts of this. // Okay. I'll keep that in mind. Next question, then? // If you say so. I suppose no further progress can be made on this right now, not at this hour, not in this state of mind.

5. Are there any tastes which can affect your reactions? If so, what tastes?

Not that I'm aware of? // Ssh. Let us deal with this. // Okay. // Chocolate doesn't trigger us? // Not by taste. It's more of knowledge of who likes to eat it, and what used to inevitably follow. Food itself is indeed a trauma trigger, especially with the ties between lust and gluttony, but taste does not seem to bring back any abusive memories. // But food itself does. // Yes. The act of eating, or the sensation of it, can be traumatic to some of us. // Emmett had it the worst. // He did. But he does not seem to be around anymore. // We lost a lot of people. // "Spice" has food trauma too, if you can call it that. She deals with the pain it causes when we eat. // That's a different category though. There is no one besides Emmett who specifically dealt with the abusive aspect of food. Remember, in the past, Julie would use gluttony as an easy way to overload the Tar, allowing her to ride that reaction wave to hack us brutally. // I don't "remember" it but I'm aware of that. // Good. So this is important, even if in a different way than the question suggested. // I'm surprised that chocolate itself didn't become a trigger though. I mean, sugary food is labeled as demonic to this day, you don't touch it or you die. People freak out whenever there's a risk of eating it. But the taste itself isn't tied to anything. You'd think there would be something. // Be grateful that there is not. Next question. // Wait. What do you call it if I see something that's suggestive, and immediately I freeze up, go into numb mode, want to just sleep or stop existing? // You call that a trigger. Are you the one going numb? // It's more like I start slipping out of the body. // See, I told you there were lots of us. That's probably our main numb one. What do they do? // Nothing. They honestly just... usually it's when I'm online, which is why I stay off it. Like when we used to go on Tumblr, and all of a sudden when scrolling down, someone would post nudity. Usually spiritual blogs too! // Don't even touch that topic right now. It's too convoluted and dangerous. Keep going. // Okay. Well, the instant I saw that, total mood switch. Everything just stopped dead, like someone hit pause on the world. And I'd either x everything off and close the computer, or I'd pull out the plug, or something... either way, within moments I would detach totally, kind of zone out, and then just wish I were dead. "Why did I have to see that," but in a sense like, now that I DID see it, I've been ruined again. And then it's immediate suicidal ideation, or they'll go to sleep, or fall into another addiction just to numb themselves to it and forget. Ironically, Julie waits until later to act on that, if she does. She waits until we're so scraped out from it that we just don't care anymore and she can completely destroy us without us caring. // You mean "us" as in whoever is fronting then. // Yeah. I guess. Pronouns are confusing. I mean I don't even know who I am half the time. // Understandable. That's a good point, thank you for bringing that up. // No problem. It is important. // So, next question.

6. What kinds of visual images trigger reactions? Does watching movies or seeing pictures of violence make you feel out of control? How about watching an adult act affectionately toward a child?
Oh boy, these are both problematic, aren't they. // Yes. Explain. // Okay. The first is less of a trigger and more of total dissonance. I cannot handle violence. It makes me ill, scared, and sometimes very depressed. I just can't handle it in general. // Does it ever trigger you? // If you can call it that. The Undergrounders in charge of retribution may end up getting louder because of it. // Explain? // Razor is fascinated by blood and cutting. Details do not matter. Even if I'm shaking from... oh, maybe that is a trigger. // What? // Pictures of self-abuse. Immediately my brain remembers the situations in which that happened: immediately after hacks, often against my will, 'waking up' after someone slashed up the body, stuff like that. It's scary because immediately I know that that is still something that can happen, at ANY time. So self-abuse is always a trigger, whether I like it or not, because it reaches people who FUNCTION to do that. At least, the last time I was triggered it did. People have been trying to change lately. // Hm. // Do you ever have flashbacks to childhood violence when you see violence onscreen, or in public? // Can't say, I've been avoiding it for a long time. // Think. I'm sure there have been some unavoidable circumstances. How did you react? // ...It's the same as when I accidentally see or hear something sexual or suggestive. Total disconnective shutdown, although for that it's usually shorter, and full of depression and wrenching sadness instead of feeling like I want to die from being 'ruined.' It's like a little-kid sort of "why would people do that," but that's usually me, I'm like that too. // I see. But no flashbacks? // I push them away if they do come up. But I get badly shaken by violence anyway, so that usually keeps memories from surfacing, as I'm trying to cope with the immediate aftereffects. // I see. // What about affection? You said that was a problem too? // It is, ironically. It's because, thanks to the abuse, I see... well, it's two things. One, in the back of my mind I wonder if that affection is genuine or manipulative. Are they only doing that because it's a 'reward' for being a good kid, not spontaneously? And if two seconds later, the kid did something upsetting, the parent would hit them or start yelling? I wonder, and that makes me sad and uncomfortable. I don't like that suspicion, it's horrible, I shouldn't be like this. // Ssh. It's healing, we need to work through this. The second part? // The second part is that I have a hard time, a VERY hard time, seeing ANY relationship outside of a sexual context. Obviously thanks to the abuse and the psychological manipulation that went hand-in-hand with it. You know, telling me that I didn't know my own thoughts and feelings, that I was... you know the drill. I really don't want to talk about it. That I 'wanted it' even if I was screaming in pain. // Ah. And you see even parental relationships like this? // Yes, probably because my abusers were all older than me? Julie not so much, but for parents... see that was all subconscious. My parents didn't abuse me sexually, but the way they acted WHILE I was suffering sexual abuse in my personal life, in unrelated contexts... everything was a trigger. I wondered if they did it on purpose sometimes. I became terrified of them very quickly because they seemed to be walking reminders of what I was afraid of. And because of that, anything affectionate that they did became dangerous. "Are they going to do something sexual to me?" And the BIGGEST thing was that, since the abuse was all centered around "trying to trick me into thinking I was a slut," aka that I "wanted it" from everyone at all times, in stark contrast to my actual orientation, eventually worked. Now I struggle to overcome the automatic assumption that I owe sex to everyone. Like I can't even say hi to a store clerk without automatically thinking that they're trying to have sex with me, and that I am both powerless and unallowed to say no, and that it's already been decided that it will happen if I am not super careful. It's stupid, but it happens. To this day. it colors all my interactions with people and it makes daily life a living hell really. and the WORST part are the programmed phrases that won't go away. Fake phrases that mean nothing to me and pop up in totally irrelevant situations. Like the repeated phrase of "I want to have sex with him/her." As soon as they say hello, or even if they just walk by. And it's NOT AN ACTUAL THOUGHT. It is literally just a string of words, that I've been programmed to react with, thanks to other people constantly telling me that I was SUPPOSED to think that I guess. I don't know. It's a mess. Does that make sense? // Very. Thank you. Does that cover it? // I think so. So the violence doesn't cause actual flashbacks, but it's still incredibly difficult to deal with? // Yeah. I can't remember having any flashbacks from seeing it. // And affection, for you, always holds sexual connotations? // Seems to. Even if I don't want it to. It's why I can't hold friendships well with anyone. I ALWAYS assume it's going to lead to sex if I let my guard down. It's sad. // Hmm. // So I guess that's why your relationships fail upstairs too. // Fail in what way? // Are you aware of any relationships? // No. // That answers my question. Moving on. // Wait, I know the person with my name in the past had a few. But not me. How did theirs fail? // By them turning into you, apparently. Next. // No no no, how does that apply? // Look at it this way. Do you WANT a relationship? Or a friendship? Or any sort of interaction with another person on a personal level of that sort? No, right? // Right. // Because... why? Because you assume it HAS to be sexual. Because you cannot have a friend without assuming you owe them sex at all times, and cannot refuse, and have forgotten how to refuse, and have compartmentalized or buried your own feelings of fear and disgust and anger and resentment and self-loathing out of the drive for sirvival, and the numbness that accompanies prolonged abuse. You have effectively deleted your self at this point. You do not want sex, correct? // No. I have no desire for it. // But if someone, right now, someone that has only positive intentions toward you, asked you to have sex with them, and said they would understand if you said no, and would not press the matter, what would you say? // I would say it's okay, go ahead, I don't have a problem with it. // And would that be a lie? // At the moment I wouldn't be able to tell. // At the moment, would that be you? // I don't know. // And how would "you" react once the act was performed? // Suicidal. // Ah, that was a quick response. // And I'd want the other person to disappear forever. Forget about them. Make them forget me. Not even hating them anymore, just make it all go away, make it never have happened in the first place. // Hence your "not being aware of any relationships." // Can we not talk about this. // I did not ask to, you did. But perhaps it was for the best. Number seven, please.

7. Are there times that you have had people ask you what is wrong because you are acting abnormally? Why were you acting the ways you were during those times? Was it watching a scene in a movie or hearing someone yell? Could it have been an activity you were engaging in?
Are we aware of any incidents like this? We don't typically interact with people. // No, we don't. Did the Utah time period have any incidents like this? // There was the 'throwing a bowl in the sink' think that "J" still hates himself for. But that was "Spice," obviously. Everything in that situation lines up to it being her. // "Everything?" What do we even know about it? // Not much admittedly. All I know is that the body was eating, it was called out on it since that food was assumed to be damaging, and immediately there was a sudden and total dramatic mood switch, and the bowl was thrown. Knowing Spice, she would have also spit the food out and started screaming in self-hatred as well if she had been allowed to. But I can only assume a numb alter or the AP came out then, as the memory cuts off after a few moments. // Is that the only case of abnormal behavior we know of? // Nothing specific. There is not much stored memory to sift through, I am sorry. // That's fine. What about the examples? // "J" doesn't watch movies anymore and neither do we. // What about the yelling? That's obviously a trigger. // It is. But his dramatic reactions to it are seen as "normal" at this point. // Such as? // Crying, hiding, acting like a-- no, I apologize, that was identified as David, wasn't it. // Yes, before he manifested. // I see. Was that pointed out? // Possibly. But the mother does not give much attention to his reactions anymore, as they have been going on for years. Now she is exasperated and careless, not concerned or confused. // That makes sense. // But this is why he is afraid to work. He cannot work with angry or upset people without someone being triggered. That would elicit a less-than-favorable response, I assume. // I see. // Any activity abnormalities? // What sort of "abnormalities" are we looking for? // I think the problem is that this is assuming other people are around him when we come out, or when others do. He has such acute anxiety around people that he avoids them whenever possible, and will not engage in recreational activities if there is so much as the potential for someone to walk in on him. // Shame? // Partly. That and fear. And people being triggered whenever social interaction is necessary. // The manic one? // Obviously. We don't like her, but apparently some people outside do. She's built to get people to like her after all. // So the fronters around people are typically suited to making them think everything is a-okay. // Typically. Remember it's not foolproof. You can't have a social fronter out ALL the time. They aren't hosts or cores. They can't front if there's no opportunity or anchoring point for them to do so. // Anchoring point? // Say the body was just triggered. There is nothing for a non-trigger alter to hang onto if they wanted to front. They would literally have to force their way past it, but then they'd be working through a fog, that would be dragging them back in, as they are incompatible with it. We have a system running, you know. // So being seen as abnormal by others is something rare for us, simply because we are not around others. // Correct. // Interesting. Next.

8. If you can, identify
what these triggers remind you of. This may be difficult for you if you have not yet dealt with the original issues of trauma, and you may decide to wait until you've done some work in this area.
Should we wait? Who do we ask? // Did we not identify the sources of most triggers? // Vaguely. I think this is asking for specific events. // Not necessarily. // But all we can say is "this reminds us of Julie" or "this reminds us of the grandmother or the mother." We haven't said much about what it is about them we are being reminded of. Not specifically. // I don't think we're ready for that. // I don't think we have ACCESS to that. Like Sherlock said, who the hell has the memories? Not me that's for sure. Not you either, or him. // True. Does J? // If he does it's not direct. If he resets every time there's a relationship fallout, then he's not going to be ABLE to remember those things, let alone willing. If he tries he will slip out as he did earlier. His identity is mutable and unstable the way it is. Boy doesn't know his own name most of the time. // So do we leave this unanswered, or do we guess? // Let's just summarize what we know. Touches remind us of sexual abuse from Julie, loud sounds are probably from childhood, when parental figures were loud and violent... smells or sounds remind us of the grandmother or mother, or are from them, both of whom were reminders of sexual abuse I assume? // That's a foggy one, yeah. // Is it because they are women? // Well the sounds themselves are triggering, but what about the smells? That's tied to them specifically. What about them is so threatening? Is it the relationship sex assumption? // Maybe? // Wasn't David triggered by woman's shoes initially? The same kind the grandmother wore? // Dude, he was. Why was that? Did he explain it? // No. But we were wrong, David WAS tied to sexual triggers related to the parental figures, at least while he was still apparently "fused with Kyanos." It says so here. // All that is confusing to me. But we don't need to review that now. The point is, nothing specific? // No. // Perhaps we should wait on this then. The body is sick, and it is already 1:30 AM. We can't make much safe progress at this hour anyway. // You're right. Thank you for your assistance then. // You as well.


okay whatever all that information is i have NO time to review it tonight, i still remember the bit when i spoke up earlier and apparently they were using archive data so I SHOULD be able to get that if i need it.
anyway yes i am feeling sick and scared, diet hasnt been good, horribly dizzy today too, almost passed out a few times. need sleep now.
good luck and good night, wish me well this isnt nice. see you after the session tomorrow here's hoping sherlock doesn't drag me out afterwards if he comes out, that was humiliating. just busting you man whatever you did i trust it was better than whatever i would have done.
good night for real now.

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