nov 01

Nov. 1st, 2013 09:30 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We are trying way too hard.
We're thinking too much, and we're losing sight of what we're actually supposed to be doing.

I noticed this happens when I try to work on technical information for Dream World, too, or any other Leagueworld. Every time I start getting overly analytical, I get so frustrated and sick and tired that I want to cry. Even if I'm interested, even if I'm making progress, even if I'm in a good mood... it doesn't matter. Too much thinking = instant exhaustion and depression.
That's what's been happening today. I've been trying to figure out exactly what's going on with the corrupt energy up here, so we can avoid encountering or exacerbating it again, but the more I research and write, the more headaches I get. And thanks to  my moral upbringing, I can't tell if that's good or bad? Is that my body telling me, "stop it, this isn't something you should spend time thinking about," OR is it some darker force doing that on purpose, trying to keep me from making beneficial progress? How do I know? It's like when I was growing up, I could never tell if my pains and terrors were "punishment," or "tests." The former was because I was bad, and the latter was because I was good. But which was it? I never knew.
I still don't. In 2011 the Tar told me it needed to exist, in order for me to understand what "the right thing" was. But was it lying? Why would I need dichotomy to comprehend goodness? CAN I be good WITHOUT its sinful balance, if that's true? That feels utterly wrong, but... I don't know.


It's funny, but I'm glad-- since I'm one of the few fronters in the System, I'm the only one that has to deal with the eating disorders and gender dysphoria and PTSD triggers there firsthand. Sure, it leaks through, but I'm glad that I'm the one that has to take the brunt of it. I wouldn't want anyone else in the System having to struggle with this.

I know Infi said most post-2010 memories should be mine, but did he forget about the Scratch? I'm reviewing things from 2011 and I swear to you, I do not remember them. Most of 2012 is also gone. I have no idea whose memories these are. It's scary at times, but it is totally true. Nevertheless that worries me. I didn't realize I was dissociating regularly until THIS APRIL. And the Undergrounders found explicit proof of that happening back in 2010, during the first SLC trip, which I do not remember at all. I don't. There are two or three location memories, but nothing firsthand, again. Do you know how bizarre that is, to know that things happened, but to see them all as an outside observer in memory, as someone that wasn't actually there? Who in the world was in charge, for that whole time?
...I think I know why infi said "should." Wasn't 2010 the year that the main fronter's inner presentation color changed from red to white? So yes, by that train of thought, their memories "should" be mine, as I'm that color now... but, looking back on what the Undergrounders showed me, whoever had White back then apparently held the negative side of it. That person was NOT a nice person. Is that where all this internal corruption came from? I don't want to go through the archives and look for what they did to put all this poison in here, as that attention will just make it louder and stronger... but again, is that the smartest move? Is that the correct decision?
I know I keep trying to clear things out, meditating and healing, but do I need specifics? Can I generally try and get rid of the corruption as a whole, or do I need to chip away at it? People tell me, "don't identify with it," and I don't, but acknowledging that it exists feels like I'm doing that. It's confusing. That's why I tend to ignore any and all pain. Saying "yes, there is pain and fear and anger," feels like I'm making those feelings a part of who I am. That's a scary feeling in and of itself, so I just stay sparkle-eyed and away from it.
That's why I don't have any past memories, I would think. Because, post-reset and all that, all those past emotions and thoughts and memories got stripped from me, leaving nothing but this childlike innocence behind, incapable of even thinking the way they did. But then... now what? By virtue of my forced naivete I can't function in the waking world, there are too many triggers that exist whether or not I want them to. But they need to be acknowledged to be healed... but paying attention to them makes them louder... what do I do?
I've been going in circles for years, I'd gather, if this still hasn't been solved. But how do we solve it, if there is nothing to solve in my eyes? If I see all the pain and fear as false, as "not real," there's nothing for me but wide-eyed wonder and a total detachment from the trauma of the past. But that trauma still lingers, even if its only proof is the Tar, and the hacks that used to use me specifically because of my ignorance of them. I don't know if that was mentioned recently, but that's why the morning hacks always happened. I just learned that those were hopefully fixed, but I'll admit, it's my fault that they occurred. I'd want to talk with Infinitii, or spend time with him or anything, but then something would be "triggered" and then I'd be gone, because by my function, I am not CAPABLE of fronting when a trigger happens! And then suddenly I'd come back, and Infi would be crying and scared, and I'd know something had hurt him but I'd tell him "everything will be okay" and then I'd go on my merry way. And it wasn't until much later that I'd learn that something had happened while I'd been away, someone had used the body to harm Infi, to harm other people too, and I'd be torn inside because I don't want them to be hurt, but... what do I do? What can I do? Am I even supposed to tackle this problem, or is that someone else's playing field? Do I stay the innocent core, the reminder of what we were BEFORE the trauma happened, forever untouched by it, OR do I forever shatter that innocence by trying to keep everyone else from suffering the trauma that happened anyway?
Geez I don't know. I really don't know. And that breaks my heart because I'm happy, I am so happy, but I know there are malicious things in this body besides me, and even if they can't hurt me directly, they can very easily use me to hurt someone else. And I don't want that happening anymore.

Javier is getting a better anchor upstairs. He's learned that he can't jump straight into fronting, because he doesn't have an "identity" to front with yet, so he can't interact with the waking world obviously. I wonder if other systems have troubles like that? We never had many "social" fronters, because we had no need or desire to go outside of the mind. Only Jewel (the original) and Celebi did, but they spent their time drawing or going online. I know we had a few online people, but then that spinningcannon person kind of tripped the alarm system by deciding she was going to start interacting with people directly? And then that forced out everyone that had stayed hidden inside up to that point. I guess in an ironic way we have to thank her for exhuming us all, but man, it sure was scary at first, with everyone having to deal with that rush of revealed pain and fear all at once. Thank goodness Laurie was the first headvoice to manifest, otherwise I don't think anyone would have survived. But yeah, because 90% of our trauma happened internally, most of us stayed inside. The people fronting outside didn't know about us until many many years later! And we're still trying to catch the attention of some of them. The Autopilot was the main one though-- it had no identity of its own, existing as a collection of stock phrases and obligations, and we didn't even learn how to control it until sometime in late 2010. But it fronts, because it is easy for it to do so, as it doesn't have to worry about a self or anything that goes with that. Whereas everyone inside, we have our own identities and roles and responsibilities, and if we were suddenly forced to go and front in the body, which is strange and weird and lives a life we don't understand, that would be extremely stressful! So the AP does it instead, and we stay inside, and live our lives in here.

We've found out that the Autopilot defaults to "yes" when it isn't given an order, which explains a lot of the trouble it used to get us in. Even in a dangerous situation, if someone didn't ORDER IT NOT TO, it would default to going ahead anyway. Isn't that weird? But in a way that's good to know, because now we can give it very specific instructions and forbiddances, and if we repeat those over and over they stick as parts of its program. But we have to overwrite a LOT of old bad programs first. Also it places everyone else automatically at a priority higher than itself-- which is kind of helpful for the eating disorders, because if you repeatedly program it that certain trigger foods "belong to someone else," it will avoid them all the time because it doesn't want to "steal them." But like we said, a LOT needs to be overwritten first, including the biting compulsion, which poor Emmett is stuck to too, as are most of the food and stress alters. Still it's a start, now that we know HOW to program it.
Javier gave it a VERY STRICT ORDER that, if someone tries to manipulate it into doing something even vaguely sexual, it is NOT ALLOWED to take any action UNTIL it asks the kids upstairs whether or not they agree to it. If even one of them says no, the Autopilot MUST SAY NO, no matter what. Javier said that defaulting to "yes" in a harmful situation, just because "no one told it to refuse," was causing a great deal of trauma to the kids, and it was ignoring their rights to both safety and free speech. (Javier is very big on rights and safety). He emphasized this very loudly, making it clear that there were to be no exceptions. So we'll have to repeat that every day. I know there WAS an attempt by Julie to hack it sometime today, but it DID ask David, and he immediately shouted "no," so the Autopilot repeated that and left. Julie was stunned but absolutely livid, because she had apparently counted on the AP's inability to refuse up to this point. So maybe now we'll have a lot less hacks when no one is driving or watching the AP like a hawk, which is often.

Speaking of memories, Waldorf reminded us today that she has all the media memories of the past that she can access in the archives, which no one else has access to. The only thing she can't get is Pokemon stuff, as that was it's own division for many years, and Celebi has that instead. But Waldorf remembers the books and movies and games that the teenage fronters were interested in, since she originally would take pieces from ALL of them for inspirational purposes. So that's cool. If anyone needs that stuff we can go to her.
Celebi is just so mad that the Tar was pretending to be a member of her species for that long while. Cel herself was our main fronter around 2001, but she stayed online, or in videogames. She and Jewel were aware of each other back then and fronted at different times, but they both effectively stopped fronting once spinningcannon showed up in 2004, and that's when the infamous high school time gap of 4 years happens! Oh well. That's not what I'm talking about. Celebi is just very angry that her existence was used as a springboard for the Tar to get at J, whoever he was back then, whenever the Tar-Celebi stuff happened. She's not holding a grudge, she's just mad! But I don't blame her.

Oh, also Josephina loves Javier's hair, and got upset when he found out that we wouldn't be letting Javier do that to the body, nor would we be letting him get gauges and lip piercings, haha. Still, maybe we can get Jo to help us with clarifying Javier's outfit on that Subeta generator thing, as that does help very much with visual anchors, plus he needs to be in the lineup pictures for heaven's sakes. So does Emmett, but he's so utterly non-humanoid we're going to have to Photoshop most of him in! Oh well, needs to be done. I know we did that for a bunch of people, notably Wally, Chaos, Knife and Xenophon... go take a look, it's impossible to actually have those avatars on the site!


Let's get back to the energy stuff from earlier. Let me back in, please.
Here, let's just post what was written earlier about the B/W energy, and Pink as well. It could be relevant, who knows.
This is all assumed accurate, at least in the current time period, unless later stated to be otherwise.

"White energy is INDIVIDUALLY CREATIVE ENERGY. Black energy is the source of the "merge drive," which J originally thought was reproductive, due to not having knowledge of other contexts. But it is the EXACT OPPOSITE: merge drives seek loss of self, they seek total unity. They have NO reproductive capacity because they seek to make everything one. White energy, however, deals with making "one from many," with the value of the individual self. It multiplies life, instead of consolidating it.
This is where corruptive confusion comes in. White energy does not create in a sexual context unless you ANCHOR it to the physical, and even then it only operates as a basic reproductive drive, the same thing everything from ants to amoebas operate on. It is NOT some sort of dangerous lustful thing like the equally corrupted Pink energy kept promoting.
But THIS is why Pink got so confusing over the years. Pink energy deals with affection, with childlike intimacy, with romantic but chaste love. It is inherently NON-SEXUAL. Julie, when she was originally created, only wore that color as a symbol of femininity, NOT as sexuality. Julie was also INNOCENT at her manifestation, as was the Pink energy, the way it should be. HOWEVER, our original fronter created her as a vessel for their thoughts of hatred and negativity: thoughts that were shoved into the subconscious, becoming the Tar. This entity acted like a parasite, eventually darkening Julie's color, although that total distortion didn't happen until about 5 years later: outside influences plus buried negativity turned Julie abusive, and since she worked through Pink, this tainted our original fronter's perception of that color and its aspects indelibly: Pink then became the brazen sexualization of all things feminine and intimate, EVEN children like they were. On that note, Julie's color pink and the REAL color pink each have very different energy vibes, which only contributed to confusion and mislabeling, due to J not even being aware of the latter UNTIL NOW.

 Nevertheless, J has been WELL aware of the difference between pink energy and sexuality since FEBRUARY 2011, although it admittedly didn't "register" until January 2012 (when his psyche split further, creating Eros to help fix any misrouting). Regardless, this vital difference has been repeated to him several times since then, by many different people, but J eventually began to ignore these admonishments due to crushing doubt, self-loathing,  and fear. It is unknown when his psyche made the sudden and drastic switch from "true" pink affection to the corrupted sort, where he began to see everything as sexual, but that event needs to be pinpointed and then healed.
THAT is what happened to fracture J's psyche so severely concerning all his relationships. His strange, admittedly compulsory pursuit of "pink connections" held starkly contrasting motivations and results. He was seeking affection and childlike love, but since the Pink energy was corrupted into something darkly perverted, suddenly he found all his relationships becoming shallow and devoid of real closeness, tainted by his absolute misunderstanding of what the words "relationship" and "love" meant in the first place. To J, every hint of closeness, even familial closeness, was sexualized. It is no surprise at all that he could never let go of his pain and trauma, because he didn't understand what was actually happening both to him, and within his own misinformed mind.

Tainted Black energy holds all negative energy that lingers in the subconscious mind: violence, hatred, rage, lust, etc. It is thick, heavy, and pitch-like, unlike pure Black energy, which is a soft shadowy black, and freely moving like air or silk.
Tainted White energy holds all  negative energy that lingers in the conscious mind: manipulation, pride, apathy, blasphemy, etc. It is crystallized and sharp, unlike pure White energy, which is insubstantial, warmly white and glowing.

Furthermore, J's entire understanding of "connection levels" in the past was FALSE, as it was based on a total misunderstanding of how energy worked, as well as how connections worked. So all previous data on those can be safely discarded. Keep in mind that he stole that term from Dream World in 2011, and blatantly misused it in a completely different context."


That's all that was written, hopefully it's relevant.
I do want to add something, in light of that last paragraph.
HEADSPACE CHANGES CONSTANTLY. THIS INCLUDES ALL OF OUR OBSERVATIONS ABOUT IT.
What may be true today MAY NOT BE TRUE TOMORROW.
This is an incredibly important observation that all inhabitants of headspace MUST keep in mind. Our world evolves and shifts according to what it is needed to be, or become, and therefore what worked in the past may suddenly no longer work, and be redefined in an instant.
This fact does ring true for the strange old "connection levels" concept J invented in the past. That entire train of thought is no longer true, nor does it apply to current headspace reality.
This is why one must ALWAYS be prudent in browsing the archives, as they include data as it was entered at the time, and it has NOT been altered to reflect current truths and/or untruths. I am considering adding a tag to the archive, to notify readers of now-false data, or data which was later proved false to begin with. It would help alleviate a great deal of confusion.


I spoke to Christina today, both in and after church, for a little bit. She said she was doing a lot of praying and asked God to help her understand what was actually going on in her life up here? Something. All I remember for sure is that she now acknowledges that yes she is a headvoice, and yes she shares our reality. Also through honest prayer she was granted access to some parts of the archives (not surprisingly, as she is a Violet headvoice), and she saw a lot of what we went through in the past? What she saw I don't know, but it forced her to re-evaluate both her opinions of us (she's stopped calling us "heathens"), as well as her previous viewpoint that her faith was the ONLY faith and anyone that didn't follow it to the letter was "going to hell." She's still badly confused and existentially terrified of course, but she's making progress, and that's very admirable considering how hard this is for her. But I told her that my role, and the big central tenet of headspace, was that we try to base everything on mutual compassion and love, for each other and for our shared life. And I told her how, even if I wasn't a Christian like her, I still greatly admired and agreed with many of Christ's teachings, as did most of us up here-- because it's moral common sense really, and I personally believe that a good deal of those teachings simply clarify that EVERYONE has not just the potential, but the ability to be "Christlike," by virtue of God being love and us imitating Christ by expressing unconditional love... etc. etc. etc. It's the kind of stuff you can't put into words well or you lose the point. But yeah, she's now willing to work with us on our level, instead of looking down on us condescendingly, which is nice. And I told her she can still think of herself as an angel if she wanted (she was convinced she was one for a long time), as long as she doesn't let that thought get her all tainted with the corrupted White and its insidiously malevolent moral superiority.

What's happened to my faith? That's the question I have right now. With all the spiritual people saying "all your beliefs are wrong" due to limiting my view of truth, and being forced to see the inherent neutrality of everything that used to shred my bones to pieces... somewhere along the line I stopped acting like much of a believer. I'm still aware of love in everything. I still have a deep unflinching awareness of the greater good in all things, even the scary things. But I don't "worship" like Christina does. Her fervency feels alien and unsettling to me. Is that bad, for me to not be able to worship so zealously anymore? I can't tell. I'm just haunted by her old words, by the words my grandmother spoke years before I met her, by condemnations and fears of damnation sneaking behind my ribs, coloring my blood dark in the night. I don't like that. But I don't want ice running through my veins either.
There is a fine line between humility, pride, and self-hatred, and I have trouble seeing it anymore. I stopped listening to my heart when it became an alarm bell for the pain I couldn't bear to feel anymore. I have more faith in Infi and Laurie than I ever did in myself, and when Infi suddenly became a threat to my well-being, against his will and mine... well, I think a lot of my faith in the big picture died a little.
I'm still not sure what to do with this. But I'll keep my heart and mind as open as I can get them, without causing myself to start gushing red again.

Hyakin was in my dream last night?? I think other people were too, but I woke up too suddenly, he's the only one I remember seeing. I spent the whole dream at the music store I talked about yesterday, there was this gang hanging out there spraypainting stuff, and I was telling them what I remembered of that building and the coffeeshop, how beautiful it was to me. I showed them around, oddly the music shop had been turned into someone's house? We all went inside and I said this building had been like home to me, even now that it was so dramatically different I still felt safe there. A few of the gang guys agreed, surprised they said they felt at home there too, it must have been the general vibe of the place. I know they tagged the coffeeshop building, it was still empty. But I remember Hyakin was standing by the road there, I think he was talking to someone, was it Sergei maybe? Either way that's all I recall clearly. Later in the dream I was playing Pokemon Y and I was laughably saddened when I woke up and remembered, "wait, I don't even have a 3DS!" But it was nice. I think I had a Dragalge on my team, aww yes.

Jewel keeps wanting to work on Dream World but it's tough, because she needs to cut off entirely from headspace to do that, and she can't do that when we keep getting red alerts and triggers and stuff. But she's getting impatient because it's been like two weeks? I don't remember. It's been too long. There's gotta be a better way to divvy up time with all of us, so she can work and we can try to heal stuff, without her work being put on hold for years (which it was) or us having to sit with the same old pains for years because no one is looking at it (which has happened too). Where is a happy medium! This is ridiculous sometimes. We're trying to find ways into the Leagueworlds in case headspace ever does collapse for good, a few of us have places already, but not all of us, because it's tough to find fitting positions as well as open timelines! But DW is probably everyone's best bet as that's such a far-reaching realm the way it is. We'll see.

We have our own Last.fm now, separate from the original one that holds our entire old libraries. We're going to use this new one to categorize our own playlists and stuff, because one of the previous fronters kept deleting our stuff from the original account, and we don't want that happening anymore.
Also guess what, I'M STARTING TO ORDER THE BEADS. I'm making a few custom orders and finding colors for a few final people, but the project is officially under way now! Also Celebi is now the one pushing us to actually do the "personal box" thing downstairs as well, but now the question is, what do we use as boxes? How big? We'll have to find out. She just wants a place to put her Pokemon cards and orange ginger mints, hehe. But hey, that's HER stuff, that's a very important thing. It's nice to have stuff downstairs that's ours too.
Speaking of. In light of talking to Christina today, J really wants to try and bring Julie back. Apparently he's feeling a lot of despair from her? Like she really doesn't know who she is or what she wants, she's being pulled in all directions by all sorts of different things. But J is the kind of softie that will ALWAYS give someone a second chance, or a second thousandth chance, and he's the guy that apparently got Julie to join us for a while last year. J says he supposes maybe she's remembering that, since the Pink slot is redefining itself at long last, and looking for a new core slot holder. Eros is trying to manifest again, he was talking to Laurie "telepathically" for a while this morning while she was with Javier, she was really mad at first because last week or so when he got taken back out of J, he was REALLY messed up from the energy being equally damaged again. But he demanifested and now he's trying to come right back that same way, so Laurie had to go all gung-ho and tell him that PINK IS DIFFERENT NOW, it's no longer tied to the old corruption so he CAN'T come back as he was previously. It took a little bit but she apparently got through to him? So if he wants to be the Pink core he CANNOT be tied to sexual abuse or rerouting in ANY way, he has to work as a sort of "role model" for the other Pinks, that's the wrong term but it's close? Like if you hold a core slot, you HAVE to reflect that energy's characteristics in a true and good way, so that everyone else in that color (who have variations of that core energy) can look to you for grounding and stuff. You're not superior to them as a core, you just have a very strict job! But we haven't had a core Pink person EVER, besides Julie trying to be one for a year but she had the wrong color, so whoever gets it now would have a lot on their heads in terms of responsibility. I know Knife is kind of the "placeholder" Pink leader, ironically as he has the darkest shade of it and wasn't very compassionate at all originally, but he's made incredible progress towards that so people look to him. Anyway that's that. We think that if Julie comes back she won't be allowed to be the core, even if she changes her color, but then again who knows? Things change so fast, nothing is ever set in stone, all we can do is guess and then sit back and watch. Whether we're right or wrong doesn't really matter most of the time, as long as we can grow for the better from the answer (or lack thereof) that we get.

Last note. Jay here. This is what I was trying to say with the first sentence.
Love, love is what we need to remember, at all costs even. Remember we CAN'T fight the Tar or the Plague, both of them get stronger the more violence and rage is around them. Laurie had to throw her axe to the ground and use the Angel Helmet the last time they showed up, even she couldn't get them to stop with weapons! So you see, we cannot fight fire with fire.
But it's not just "fighting." It's healing too, more than anything. Forgiveness and love.
I've realized that, over the years, I've been slowly pushed to forgive more and love more. It got harder and harder as I grew, the fronters changed, but some weird bloodline followed me even until now. I thought it was hard to forgive Julie, but I did. I thought it was hard to forgive Celebi, but I did. Then Chaos became the source of pain, but I still managed to forgive him... and when I thought that was as tough as it could ever get, suddenly Infinitii became the one I had to forgive. But I did.
And now, it's just hit me. I'm at the hardest part ever now.
It's not forgiving the Tar and the Plague. I know, and have always known, that they are actually incredibly easy to forgive, because they are cruel by their nature, and even in their cruelty they help me learn and grow. It's so easy to forgive something that's as black-and-white as that in terms of morality, for me at least. But when the morality is grey, when someone who loves you hurts you by accident, when it wasn't intentional or when they didn't think it would hurt... somehow, for me, that is so much harder to forgive. I have no problems forgiving someone who hurts me on purpose, even with the intent to harm or maim. I don't know why. But when someone damages me so badly, without meaning to... why is that so hard to forgive?
And that's the hilariously ironic bit of all this. That's what makes my final task of love and forgiveness the absolute hardest, something I avoided for years, something I was so blinded to that I didn't even realize it was necessary until it became too important to ignore anymore.
The last person I have to forgive, the last thing I have to learn to love, against all odds... is myself.


I think that's all we needed to say for today? Boy this entry was a mess. We've been severely dissociated all day so we're not sure what's going on much, or who needs to say what.
But it looks like a lot of good and important things were said today, and that makes me happy, so good night!

oct 31

Oct. 31st, 2013 10:27 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Yesterday was, admittedly, a severely abusive day. Today was similar, but far more merciful (no hacks today, but still lots of pain, dissociation, and self-abuse of various sorts).
But it's hilariously odd. I've noticed that every time, EVERY time we have a terrifying day like yesterday, something happens to somehow redeem the whole thing. Something will happen that doesn't ignore the sins preceding it, but forgives them... and, even more incredibly, shows how they paved a painful but necessary pathway to some wisdom, some healing, some bright thing we may not have stumbled across otherwise. Every time. Whether that blessed event is "small or large" doesn't matter; in its significance, it is received with infinite gratitude.

Last night, I (J) went to bed with a splitting sugar headache, vague knowledge that there had been an evening hack, and general unease and chest pain that made sleeping rather frightening. The day had been highly dissociative and honestly I don't remember the vast majority of it today. Nevertheless, last night, I lay down in great pain with a pervasive feeling of anxiety, and that odd "fear of death" that frequently accompanies me to sleep when I am ill: since our psych ward hospitalization in 2011, where our meds gave the body weeks of ER-worthy side effects that would always slam us at night, any nighttime uneasiness brings with it the somnolent dread that I am not going to wake up the next morning. However, In light of how awful yesterday had made me feel, that dread became a conviction. Feeling a panic attack of the moral sort coming on to top it all off, I immediately called my boss (Mr. Sandman) for emotional support, trusting in his compassion despite how tainted I felt. He showed up, concerned, and I told him my worries, feeling too penitent and heartbroken to care about any sense of pride or reluctance to admit everything that had happened, focusing only on the guilt and sorrow I felt for causing another one of these nights, and the sister sensation to pain, which was total childlike contrition. I don't recall what I said, just that I was sorry and wanted my boss to know that, so he didn't think I was just taking advantage of his kindness. He didn't think that in the first place, as I should have known. I clearly remember him telling me that it was safe to cry if I needed to (as I actually was), he would never chide me for that-- only, he told me to remember that the pains were not permanent, even if they felt that way, so even through tears I should keep that in mind. He also reassured me that "tonight was not my time to die," and coming from a guy whose best friend is Death, that did calm me down quite a bit. I was still scared and in pain, but I knew I'd have to just wait it out now. Boss told me to simply sleep, as I needed it. I timidly told him falling asleep was scary, could he help a little? He smiled and said yes, he'd spare a little dream dust for that. Looking back on this I feel like I was making way too many demands of the guy, but considering how much of a mess I was, and how generous boss is, I don't have the heart to chastise myself for it... especially because of the last thing I asked him for. After he told me to sleep, I thanked him for all his help as always, but as he turned to leave I quickly told him to wait one second. Then, I quietly asked if he could kiss my forehead before he left, because that always made me feel a lot safer, plus I had a splitting headache. He smiled at that, a genuine spontaneous smile that already made me feel better, and then he kissed me goodnight before bowing and leaving for the night. It took a few seconds, but suddenly I noticed that my headache was gone. The awful pain that had been haunting me for hours had literally just disappeared. I would have started laughing if I had the strength to do so; I could barely believe it. But I was grateful, and I fell asleep quickly afterwards.
That was the first little thing, that not only gave me hope, but for an instant it also convinced me that headspace and all that it brought was 100% real, a feeling I haven't had in a very long time.

The second thing happened the next morning, after I woke up, and despite seeming little, it was in truth one of the biggest things that could have happened at all.
I was awakened rather suddenly at 8AM by a phone call, and then my grandmother telling me she was going to visit my grandfather early. Unfortunately I was so tired I don't remember anything else, other than the fact that I went back into my room to get some more sleep... but then, suddenly, I felt that I needed to speak to Infinitii, in light of what had happened the day before. But I was scared. Ever since I've met him-- EVERY time I try to talk to him at night or in the morning, personally, I either get hacked or I barely avoid one. That is terrifying, and it's made me very scared of him, ironically, because part of me isn't scared of him and will never be, so I keep blinding myself to the danger that exists regardless. Point is, I was taking a huge risk going to talk to him. I think he knew this. He was a bit of a mess emotionally still; when I showed up he actually said "don't talk to me," but I simply responded that I wanted to tell him something I figured out the night before? Either way his uncharacteristically harsh affront fell then, and he apologized, saying he was just angry with me, and torn up about this whole situation. I apologize; I don't recall our conversation due to only being half-conscious, but at some point, Infinitii started taking tar out of my abdomen again. It was oddly heavy and "dead" looking, Infi said it was too overloaded to move. He got all that out, but then there was corrupt White energy in there too? That was scary, because it was all crystallized, like rock, and we weren't sure how to get it out. He did, I forget how, but it hurt. Either way it made sense that I was stuck with more frozen White energy than the smothering Black stuff, because when I fall out of my element I get icy and uncaring and cruel, whereas Infi becomes uncontrollable and almost manic. But that's actually what I wanted to tell him. SINCE 2011, whenever people have had to yank Tar out of me, it's been in my ABDOMEN. That's where all the pain and trauma is stored for me. But for Infi, his positive energy was somehow stored there. So... when we are physically close, there are OBVIOUSLY MAJOR PROBLEMS. Ideally both our positive cores should be at chest level, but for unknown reasons, Infi's got pushed lower. And although I knew from the beginning that that wasn't a bad thing in and of itself, when he was around me, it sure as hell was. See, in reviewing the archives, I realized why I've been having so many problems with White, especially in respect to how I work with Infinitii. This is from March. "Boss said..."We just have to be careful; I don't want you moving up into White when you still have lower blocks, because then the Tar would have direct access to you." it would be lethally dangerous apparently..." And guess what? Those blocks were NOT FIXED. Infi kept trying to fix them, but since he held the BLACK slot, while the Tar ALSO still did, well. It was a recipe for absolute disaster, because all that energy from Infi was feeding INTO the traumatic energy I still had stuck in me, and making it worse, simply due to its LOCATION. So simple, but so important, and we overlooked it. BUT. As of yesterday morning, Infinitii took that out. He emptied that bubble of everything that was clogging it, and tore it out. And he forced his energy to re-center higher, in his rib cage, so that the B/W energy resonance between the two of us wouldn't be traumatic anymore.
I realized that. I told him that, how it worked. I told him how I had realized so many answers in the archives (which I won't write here tonight as we have no time to spare for that now). He kept trying to clear me out for good, hellbent on getting rid of that lingering fear and pain and shame and guilt and loathing... but I was still barely conscious, and when Infi realized we'd done as much as we could for now, he told me to just go back to sleep, it was okay. As always, I didn't question what he told me to do. But when I curled back up in bed he just looked at me, both sad and happy somehow, and I wasn't scared. I didn't feel any threats. I didn't feel ANY Tar or white stuff or hacks or intrusive thoughts or Julie words. Nothing was trying to hurt me, in stark contrast to EVERY SINGLE OTHER MORNING I'd spent with Infi since he was ripped from my ribs in April. I remember he lay his head on my chest then and I just laughed, it didn't feel threatening, seriously that DIDN'T FEEL LIKE A DEATH THREAT and I am so used to being terrified of people even touching me there lately. But I fell asleep with him like that, completely at peace with things, and it wasn't until I woke up two hours later that the significance of that peace hit me. I'm still reeling. Maybe it doesn't sound like much, but believe me, it is.
That was the first morning SINCE APRIL that I've been with Infinitii, and WASN'T at risk of being hacked, and DIDN'T feel scared or anxious, and DIDN'T severely dissociate. THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
Considering how much I adore Infi and how closely our roles work together naturally, the fact that I accepted that tumultuous relationship as "normal" for nearly SEVEN MONTHS, questioning nothing, only wondering why I was "so corrupt"... it's shocking. It really is.
But now that's over. I hope to God it stays this way. I hope, more than anything, that we can start over, he and I, and not have to live in danger and pain anymore. And I'll tell you what... it's nice, to have that hope, without it being backed by fear.


Still, the rest of today was a bit of a mess, as I said; I could not stop dissociating so I was dizzy all day and couldn't see straight. As a result I had to wear glasses to force my eyes to focus, but that proved to be amusingly problematic because our only glasses-wearer is Sherlock, and he isn't allowed to front outside of therapy or research due to his uber-logical demeanor... so everyone else had to keep putting on and removing them according to whether or not they could see through them. Knife tried to wear them at one point but he couldn't quite get used to it; nevertheless the sight of him confusedly wearing Sherlock's glasses was enough to make me smile. And on that note, despite the messiness, I did say today was merciful too. Let's get to that part.
I don't remember anything post-awakening until after 2PM today, which is when we had to go out and run a few personal errands-- check the craft stores, buy toothpaste, stop at the library. The health food store was first, but that trip proved to be rather important to me personally, because to get to that store, we had to drive through a town that I love more than I can put into words. Explanation: in that town, there is a street, where I used to go for violin lessons as a child. That street feels beautifully secluded, with huge trees shadowing the road on both sides, and lovely large houses lining the street. But the violin building itself was the source of my BIGGEST inspirations as a child. Honestly, there is NO way I can EVER express how much I adore that place, and how significant it is to me... Hosea was born there, Isabelle was born there, SI started there, the 2nd generation of Jewel Monsters started there, and I found a few there too... it's showed up in several of my dreams, it's influenced my musical style, and it's forever colored my personality. But that place didn't stand alone: across the street, there used to be a large coffeeshop/bookstore that closed shortly after I stopped taking lessons. Despite its short-lived existence, that place was one of the most GORGEOUS places to me as a child-- the "vibe" of that place actually has a big influence on my Rosewindow series, believe it or not-- and my fond memories of it were made even more precious by the fact that, after my violin lesson every week, my teacher would give me $3 and tell me to run over there and get her a coffee (1/3 milk, 1/3 black, 1/3 decaf... I'd often mix in tiny bits of seasonal flavors for her when they had them; she loved it). I'd run there in rain or shine, passing the "flame tree" on the way (a black-barked tree that would always have the most vivid leaves in the fall),  taking a small "secret path" behind the bushes to get there instead of the sidewalk, and then waiting patiently in line inside, enjoying every moment of that heavenly place. The tables in the back were decorated with newspaper clippings, I remember, and the lights always made it feel so warm, especially when it was snowing outside. The people there recognized me after a while, and I always got a dollar to keep. However, they had Linda's Lollies there, the first ones I ever saw: I thought they were awesome, so I'd often buy one of my favorite flavors, like Creme de Menthe or Cinnamon (this was back when I could eat lollipops, obviously)... OR I'd save up my money and buy a huge muffin (honestly they were massive) to take back and eat in the music shop downstairs, listening to the violins around me and either drawing or doing homework. Isn't it funny how I remember ALL of that so clearly, and yet almost nothing else of the past? ALL my memories of that place are in the late summer or fall, though. It's either green rain, or red leaves. And I don't remember ANYTHING concrete of it prior to 2001/2002... but that doesn't worry me. I don't remember the body's childhood anyway. All my memories start around that time. However, it literally feels as if the person who I am now was born there, in that music shop.  To me, that place is like... it's like home. But it's been empty for years now.
So driving past it, I pointed it out to everyone, trying to share with them some of the love I felt for it. The coffeeshop nearby had also been empty for years obviously, but this time I parked alongside it and ran over to look in the darkened windows... honestly it was shocking. The entire inside was gutted, and two extra walls were put in, both dividing and shrinking the place I remembered as having been as big as my dreams. The walls were sloppily being re-painted, and a ladder was leaned against one wall. I felt like a time-traveler; did anyone seeing that place now know what it had once been? Who else remembered it as fondly as I did? The people in headspace had never even seen it... all they had were my golden-painted memories. Perhaps that was enough. Perhaps that was better. These two empty buildings would live on forever in my heart.
I left then, got the toothpaste and stopped at the first craft store (the driving period after I once again passed the music store is almost blank to me). As soon as I entered, I saw they had a few small Christmas trees up for decoration. Immediately I stopped and took off the glasses, smiling and saying "hey Undergrounders; you've never seen Christmas trees before. Take a look." So they did. It was moving and oddly sad; David and Marigold were enthralled by the lights and ribbons, but Knife and Razor, although mesmerized by the oddly pretty trees, said they couldn't quite "comprehend" what they were looking at yet, so suddenly. I told them we'd have a tree in our house soon enough, I'd make sure they understood it well enough when that happened. So after this, we looked for the beads (nothing doing,) but I know for a fact that Knife AND Razor tried to front here? Razor spent a while looking at the beads, not fully grounded (she had the AP doing most of the moving), and as usual feeling that the lack of fitting beads meant that people were "trying to say she didn't exist." Knife said this wasn't the case, but she still wouldn't rest until she found something that matched her, and Knife, just to feel a little better existentially. After this we left for the library, which is a brilliant place because it's actually inside an old church! Really it's amazing, and the place has the BEST selection of books in the nearest counties, no contest. So I grabbed a bunch of books that I wasn't even aware they carried but wanted to read now that I did, and then we left. Unfortunately I'd been somewhat dissociated while I was in there-- very common when in a public place-- so the headspace people didn't get to see it firsthand. Nevertheless Knife expressed interest at its being in an old church. I said I'd have to make sure he got to front a little next time I was there. After this, I know Emmett wanted us to buy seaweed at the local grocery store, but the body was feeling so sick and dizzy at the time we ultimately all decided it was better for us to just get home, because driving down the highway when severely dissociated is never a good idea.
We got home at 5 and then I swear to you I lost about 4 hours, all I know is that someone binged and I later found myself vomiting in the bathroom. That's when I decided (again) that "this has to stop," and sat down to type. So yeah, that's how we spent Halloween, haha. Unfortunately. I honestly forgot it was even today. That happens when your perception of time is as weird as ours is.
Oh, also. I do remember the few minutes after we walked in the door, because when we unloaded our groceries and books on the workdesk, someone decided to eat one of the little ginger-orange mints I had bought on a whim? Javier was trying to front at the time (he's still having a hard time doing so; I think he needs to manifest upstairs first), but it surprised us when we realized that he wasn't the one really reacting to eating it. He said it was good, but he couldn't quite "understand" sensory input yet... and yet someone was absolutely blissing out over this mint. After a second to recognize the energy, I realized that it was actually Cel! Apparently that was the first thing she'd ever eaten while fronting, too-- even secondhand-- and the fact that she apparently thought this gingermint was the food of the gods was making her amazed reaction even better. So yes, Celebi adores the gingermints, and wants me to buy more. I gladly will! (She's also decided to use this TCG card as a grounding item, NOT a plush (we have a tiny one left to sell), thanks to the trauma the Tar tied to those in the past; she was not happy at all when she heard about that.) Also, in light of headspace food, my grandmother has decided she's going to make a pumpkin pie this week so we are going to have to find Leon soon so he can have more of that, haha. Really though, we all miss him, and we know we NEED him too, him and Nathaniel. Heaven only knows where they are, and why they of all people haven't come back from the reset yet... Laurie thinks it's because their energy (green and indigo) works with the heart and mind, respectively... and we've been taking a lot of battle damage to those lately. So maybe we need to do more healing first. It would make sense.
Also... I bought some kale on Wednesday because I know Xenophon used to love it, back when I knew her, and something told me to buy it for her again now, despite having forgotten. Boss also told me last night that I need to stabilize so I can 'meet' her again. But I still don't remember that part of the past. I DID get a tiny spark of genuine remembrance concerning Chaos yesterday, which felt like a big spark of hope too, but it was just a feeling, not a thought. Nevertheless it's something. I know I need to get those memories back, even if I don't go back to that life... which still doesn't feel like the correct option for me. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. I'm not there yet, but I'm not supposed to be on this side of the river either, from what I've been told. I'll keep you posted.

I've spent the evening post-sickness trying to find beads online for that project we're planning: making a string of them as a grounding object, and to help with therapy. It's taking forever, because we're looking for uniformity for different levels, and that is really tricky to do when only certain colors come in certain sizes, etc. However, I've managed to find colors for everyone in Central in 22mm rhinestone beads-- the only size that offered an indigo bead selection for Leon. We don't know what kinds of beads to use for the other levels yet, as that will depend entirely on the colors available, so I'll keep looking. Either way this is fun to do; we've been ignored in the physical for so long (thanks to the survival method of "keeping ourselves secret" AND having a few fronters that wanted us all dead) that working on something like this is a sort of affirmation of our existences, and that means more than we can say.

OH. Last important thing of today. While looking up the beads, we suddenly realized that the "core" Pink energy we've been running by is WRONG?? Julie always had it this lurid hot pink color, as the default, but that ISN'T what the ACTUAL Pink energy is like! It's a much lighter color, similar to Sugar's actually, but not as pale. But when we realized that I couldn't believe I hadn't noticed that problem years ago. I've done enough research on color psychology to know that hot pinks are typically sexualized and loud, while lights pinks are more innocent, used for romantic love instead. And we've had the FORMER ruling that part of the Spectrum for TEN YEARS.
So that's why the Spectrum booted her out. She really doesn't fit there, in the Central position.





I am really tired now though, so I'm going to go to sleep. See you guys.

oct 30

Oct. 30th, 2013 08:12 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I found a few things on PTSD today that stood out very, very much to me.

PTSD-based infidelity—as well as pornography addiction— result when the PTSD sufferer no longer feels pure enough to keep being pure in his or her sexual actions... untreated PTSD diminishes the person’s ability to desire to remain unstained in the world.
Those offering a spiritual perspective would say that the PTSD sufferer is moving farther and farther away from acting in accordance with his or her highest self—which is, at its core, all about love. The emotionally healthy individual...wants to love and be loved, and won't elect to engage in actions that consistently extinguish love either within the self or significant others... the PTSD sufferer will continue to act in ways that are destructive to the... highest self.


The numbness is consistent with PTSD... Your capacity for feelings is still there, it is just suppressed for a while until you find a way to come to grips with the trauma memories... The promiscuity you report is also consistent with PTSD...Some others say that people do this sort of thing to punish themselves and create a sense of self-shame, because they feel responsible for causing the stuff they are avoiding...

The goal of the PTSD-Identity is to drive our loved ones and friends away, to ruin our relationships, and make us despise ourselves. This happens as we try... not to feel at all, by engaging in numbing experiences like drugs or alcohol. It usually works: we drive away our friends and family and then despise ourselves.



So all of this nonsense might be PTSD fallout, STILL. I keep denying the fact that I'm still struggling with healing, refusing to acknowledge that I could have been hurt in the first place, because "that means I'm weak and corrupt." But refusing to acknowledge that is just making me bleed more and more and more, and dissociate just as much.

Maybe I should tell my therapist about this outright. The DID aspect of it is making things far more difficult, but if I'm constantly abusing myself and chopping out huge segments of my memory, that's a concern.

I'm just so ashamed of it, of how awfully and often I harm myself, out of guilt and shame and terror and denial. Like that first quote said, I've felt like I've been tainted irreparably, and I no longer feel I have the right to be clean of that ever again. Like I'm beyond saving, beyond help. That's not true, but try convincing me of that on a bad day. The numbness makes me simply not care. And then I end up suicidal again. It sucks.

Not much else to say today. Memory is fuzzy and weird. There was a big headspace event this morning but since I am currently denying my own existence and therefore headspace as well-- thanks to wanting to deny the trauma that is tied TO headspace, isn't that a great Catch22-- I'm not going to think about it.

All I'll say (common courtesy) is that there are cisterns underground, all red candles and dark water, Razor knew her way through them but there were all these things in the water trying to drown us. Past that there is an entire corrupt-White labyrinth, all fluorescent lights and blankness, that is explicitly similar to the original abuse environment. We got lost there, I got stuck there overnight, I was too weak to warp out and didn't know where I was. Laurie and Razor had to find me this morning and I burned myself out warping back to U-Central, but I had no other choice. Infinitii isn't dead, he was down there in the corrupt-white areas too, but it took almost 2 days to get him back. When he did show up in U-C this morning he was horrifically sick; he was coughing (choking?) up HUGE amounts of thick white-colored energy, it was alive apparently, got all these eyes and legs after and ran away. After he got it all out the sphere in his abdomen was EMPTY for the first time since his manifestation, so he TORE IT OUT as he said it was "actively manipulating his energy field" due to its placement in regards to mine (how we all missed the negative significance of this I'll never know). At the end of the morning Infi was also tearing out all this Tar from my ribcage (he's been doing that since April and it won't stay gone) and that whole thing was like I was possessed, I lost all first-person awareness for several minutes, couldn't get it back after that. As a result of not having ANY IDEA who I was in order to ground, "I" shattered to the point where I honestly don't know who I am as a person anymore, no surprise.
Lastly there is a white-colored entity like the Tar, it attacked us at one point last night, it was all crystallized and was pretending it was Infinitii. It was very difficult to avoid because it's not chaotic like the Tar is, it's calculated and scarily direct. Similarly, instead of being actively harmful it is insidiously so, also tied to the "passive suicide" whereas the Tar is the active sort. It's all stupid dichotomy, how did those two slots get corrupted, how do we FIX THIS, nobody knows.

I entered therapy in "fragment mode," a splinter of mine, but thank God I slipped out a few minutes in. After that Jewel, Sherlock, Javier, and Jayce handled the session, Knife kept wanting to get through but didn't know how to talk so that didn't pan out. Laurie and Mulberry were also right behind him, ready to jump in at a moment's notice if need be. Oh and Knife made Jayce give the therapist the papers he and the other Undergrounders wrote yesterday, so we'll see what comes from that.

That's all I have to say for now. I'm sick and tired, I want to sleep. I don't want to be sad and numb anymore but I can't figure out how NOT to be without literally ignoring everything in my life up to this point.
Maybe I'll make Jewel man the house for a while, she has some really cool ideas about her role with us, I THINK SHE'S SURPASSED THE ARTIST DIVISION so that means she might be able to work with headspace AND the Leagueworlds WITHOUT any problems, if so that would be the biggest blessing ever, I'm so thankful.
Also she's a "personal" fronter, she can't really front in public-- but Jayce is REALLY good at public fronting, which is surprising, but makes sense as he's the reflection. Javier is still struggling with fronting as he is literally brand new in terms of manifestation, so he needs to anchor and stabilize more before he'll be able to stay out for extended periods of time.
In any case, even though my identity is in shambles, there are people who can take care of the body in my absence. Problem is there are a lot of bad things that get through too.

Sorry, I'm going in circles. I still don't know who I am, not as an individual, and ironically I don't want to be one. In any case talking isn't helping anyone, so good night.

reminder

Oct. 30th, 2013 12:04 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
A quick and old reminder for all of us, especially Sherlock and the Undergrounders...

"The peace you seek does not necessarily come from fixing all of your ego’s little quirks and problems but rather cutting to the root of the problem: you are not your ego. The journey toward getting out of your own way and allowing your innate peace to flourish may have a few steps involved. But peace is there in every step regardless, it is the space that surrounds your every challenge."


We've actually been moving into this truth "unconsciously," for a while, but in light of this morning (which I understand was a mess), I think this is another thing we need to keep in our minds and hearts on a daily basis from now on.

Therapy is tomorrow, see you after that!

oct 29

Oct. 29th, 2013 03:06 pm
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I forgot to update yesterday, I think?
We had therapy and it was blurry because we got off on a tangent that didn't quite go anywhere. There really aren't any easily accessible memories of that morning at all, not until the session was over and we ended up at the nearby mall. Thanks to the problems with fronting in therapy sessions yet, we were going to look for beads for that "necklace" thing we want to make for all of us, as a grounding object. Unfortunately neither ACMoore nor Michaels had proper beads, so we're going to have to open commissions online and buy some from Etsy or something. However, Michaels did have a huge selection of colored cardstock, which Razor's eyes basically lit up at.
You readers probably don't know that yet. It happened last Thursday, I believe, when the therapist told us (after we revealed the "blood=atonement" function of the retributors) that we should try not to harm the body in that way anymore, EVEN if we felt it was absolutely necessary. We thought this over for a while, and Razor was somewhat worried by it: her main concern was still cutting things, but if cutting the body was not allowed, what could she do now? While we were considering this, somehow, she realized that she was a Red-anchored voice, and all the other Red voices were artists. So ultimately, when we finished the appointment, she suddenly declared that she wanted to try and be one too.

 

That is actually HUGELY SIGNIFICANT. Razor was born in 2009, during the MU trauma period, around the exact same time that our artists were first locked away as a result… and it has long been suspected that she was a splinter of the FRONTER at that time, a girl whose identity was scathingly self-abusing and who has not been seen since (probably due to the massive fracturing she suffered). Furthermore, it's also been previously suspected that since Razor was the FIRST non-fronter to anchor into Red, that she was somehow inherently tied to this art-lockout. Long story short, Razor's existence poses a lot of questions, but in a sense she had now just answered one. Yes, she DID have artist potential, and now she wanted to pursue it. So we went to ACMoore, and she bought a small stack of cardstock, specifically to cut up and "make art with." So there has been a large significant change in her.

…Today she elaborated on that a little, but we'll list that later.

Lastly (we're still talking Monday, mind), we stopped at our favorite natural food store to buy toothpaste and seaweed (best shopping list ever). J was fronting at the time, looking for more beadlike things, when by the cash registers he was distracted by a large selection of colorful Swarovski crystal earrings beside it. Since the selection of colors was massive, he paused to look at the list. Also, keep in mind that around this time, we were also trying to find names for the unnamed individuals in headspace that we know (thanks to the events of the 27th), as names are incredibly important for headvoices to have. So J is checking this list, and on the right, one of the colors is listed as "hyacinth," but oddly, here it was spelled as "hyakinth." And I kid you not, the instant he saw that, the cool orange guy from midspace jumped in and exclaimed, "that's it!! That's my name!" Truth be told, he had been clinging to the "hya" sound, plus the letters H and K, for a few days now, but we couldn't find any fitting names, not until that instant. So his full name is technically Hyakinth (or Hyacinth, no preference; although he only lets the sage guy freely call him by his full name), but he goes by Hyakin. So there's one more name found.
Last night, since his friend the "sage voice" had been sticking to the letters S and G, we looked for his name, and "Sergei" kept popping up. No matter what other names J suggested, he couldn't shake the attachment we felt to that name, so the sage guy took it.
We're trying to find the name of the "angry brown girl" downstairs, the one full of reactive rage and pain. She has no favored letters or sounds, so it may be tricky, but we're going through large lists of names and seeing if she reacts to any.


So, that is what we remember from Monday.
Now… TODAY has been interesting.

To begin, there was a severe hack this morning, that the Undergrounders reacted immediately to, with significant distress. Details are blurry but it posed many questions, and possibly answered a creeping suspicion we've had for a while: that the White energy is just as corrupted as the Black energy is. After a great deal of discussion concerning this, with Laurie's later input, we have reached a few tentative conclusions:

  1. J was/is the source of this corrupted White, how we do not know. He is also the only individual to have expressed negative White qualities (no emotions, total control and manipulation, etc.), which supports this theory.
  2. Infinitii, being torn from him, likely holds some of that corrupted White in his abdomen (it does hold White energy but its nature was always unknown). His energy makeup is unstable by default thanks to the Tar infecting the Black energy as a whole.
  3. With the August reset having occurred because Infinitii was, allegedly, either "infested with a parasite" OR "secretly malevolent," we are favoring the former explanation thanks to the suspicion that he holds corrupt White energy inside him. This was further supported later today, when Emmett told Javier that "you absorb what you eat," hence why he only ate green energy-- since Infinitii ingests such large amounts of both Black and White energy, both mostly in harmful contexts, it is very likely that at some point they began to infect him severely.
  4. As a result of this, both J and Infinitii are essentially condemned to being hacked, as the negative energy they inherently hold is what causes such traumatic experiences to repeatedly occur, regardless of any "healing" they insist they do.

We are not 100% sure on that, but we are very close to it. We are doing great amounts of headspace research, so any further knowledge and clarification on these points will be posted here in the future.

Now for the rest of today:

  • Javier is now the "default fronter," and he has anchored into Red (unsurprisingly). J has finally been deemed "unfit to front" what with all the hacks that keep happening around him.
  • Infinitii is assumed dead. This, too, feels necessary, due to what we now suspect about B/W energy in headspace.
  • There are two papers of headspace handwriting on the work desk which we haven't read yet; Jewel saw them earlier and exclaimed "nope, these aren't for me!" but she didn't deny them. That was notable; she recognized it was headspace communication and therefore not her division, BUT she also recognized it as something important and needed. Unlike some of our other downstairs fronters, she does not reject or ignore headspace, she simply knows it isn't her job to interact with it. Regardless, we will scan in those papers tonight.
  • A note from the Undergrounders: writing that paper was "difficult as hell" because of the emotional and psychological pain they were going through at the time; they wrote it "specifically to tell J what was wrong as he wouldn't find it out or acknowledge it himself." Knife is currently torn between his driving, instinctual need to bleed the body "for its sins," and his hopelessness at having to continually do so with no improvement, as well as his want to not have to ever do that again. Similarly, Razor has expressed (somewhat surpisingly) that SHE no longer wants to cut the body as well, because doing that "makes her just like the abusers," causing harm to the body AND "dragging her back to what she was before." Like all the Underground voices, Razor, too, now feels a strong desire to "rise above" her old traumatic role, as she wants to continue being an artist. BUT she insists that "she cannot be an artist" IF she is still forced to use her blades "for pain." This is an astute observation as the artists in headspace are specifically separated from trauma in order to function. Razor wishes to let go of her old Tar-tainted past, but as long as hacks continue, she will be chained to it against her will. Razor said she, like Knife, was "tired of it." She liked cutting things, BUT she clarified that "that was before I knew I was really hurting people." Remember she DID NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THAT for a long time; now she sees that as an abusive action, and tying abuse to the Tar and its cohorts, she wanted to start letting go of that for good. Knife said he understood, but the hacks hurt everyone, and that the blood was needed to heal. Mulberry stepped in here and asked why he was so hellbent on making her cut the body, why couldn't he? Surprisingly, Knife was at the verge of tears, admitting that he refused to "let [Razor] go soft" and become corrupted like J, not taking any action of atonement when the body was morally compromised. He referred to her as his "sister of soul" here, which was unusual. Either way he did win out, but no one pushed the issue after that, as no one had the strength to. That is all I can access memory-wise.
  • Knife ended up talking to our "headspace therapist" again for advice, about an hour after the hack, but as he did, it suddenly hit him that 'wait a minute, you're a headvoice! Who are you?' She demurely revealed that her name was Amara. She appeared peachy in color, but it kept vacillating to violet. She admitted that she couldn't tell which one she needed to anchor to. Knife said that Orange dealt with balance and guidance, but Violet dealt with rules and wisdom. So he asked her, if she was actively leading people, or passively directing them? She said as a "therapist" it was definitely the latter, and Knife said then she was anchored to Orange. At that her color solidified to a bright coral hue. Knife then asked where they were? Amara said they were in Central City, but at the opposite end of the city from Central itself; she said that half of the city was still "badly damaged" from the lockout and reset periods. Sometime around here, Hyakin did show up (he flew up to the window and let himself in), and spoke to Knife for a short time, but there are no accessible memories of their conversation. However it is significant that this occurred, as Hyakin did originally work with the Undergrounders before meeting Sergei and moving to Midspace.
  • Emmett fronted for a little while today as well, to eat while Javier was around. He has this funny habit of trying to do his "happy circles" thing while in a human body, but he can't slither while bipedal of course so he just does this swaying motion. Also, while fronting, he expressed confusion at "breathing differently" (apparently he doesn't breathe through a 'nose' per se), and not being able to purr because "there wasn't anything to purr with" (which he said while indicating the chest). He also has some difficulty with hands/arms, as his are small and three-fingered, and he only uses his for body support normally, not holding things. Lastly, it is confirmed that Emmett speaks "telepathically?" He doesn't speak with his mouth (he's only been seen squeaking or barking with it, etc.), but he seems to 'project' thoughts to speak?  He doesn't seem to have any translation difficulty with spoken language.
  • He and Javier spoke for a long while, but as Emmett was eating it became clear, once again, that he was co-fronting with somebody, who was not only moving the body to "feed" him (due to his trouble with holding things), but who was also making sure he didn't eat too much, or forget that he was in a human body and accidentally do something it couldn't handle. Javier asked who that was, and Emmett happily replied "that's my caretaker," revealing a sandy-colored catgirl? As in, she was more of a cat than a girl; it's hard to explain… She had big feline eyes (color unclear) and ears, and her face was catlike, but I'm not sure about her hands, or whether or not she had a tail. She was also wearing a tattered two-piece outfit, which made me think of stereotypical "jungle" clothing: it was just something to cover up with, not a fashion concern. But she completely took over fronting for Emmett for a few minutes, and her name was revealed to me "Aimee." Apparently her job is simply to help Emmett out; by himself he gets lost and confused I suppose. She's very patient, although strict, and perfectly content with her role.
  • Javier revealed at one point during the previous conversation that he felt his 'main role' was to essentially 'protect everyone's right to be who they are? He kept using the words "protect" and "respect," saying he couldn't quite find the right term. But it was like he wanted to ensure the safety, freedom, and "right to live" of everyone. He also said there was a marked difference between how he wanted to protect people, and "how Laurie protects people."
  • While reviewing old notes today, I've clarified that the "angry brown voice" that hates the mother and screams is NOT the voice who hates being ignored and screams "fuck you," i.e. the one in the parking garage on Sunday. The latter is also NOT the biting voice (she has explicitly said this), which is likely the former. Both these girls are also separate from "Spice," the equally rageful one who is ONLY triggered by food. Again, the "overload girl" is MIA and may have actually "merged" with the "angry brown voice," as their reaction styles are almost identical and the OG hasn't been detected in months.
  • Javier, since this was his first time fronting in the body (and he asked to do so alone, without constant headspace talk), ended up hearing from the strange "upper voice" that J has referred to in the past. This voice is faceless by design, and acts as a sort of "guide" to ALL new voices, helping them learn what their new lives are like, giving them basic information, etc. It feels like it is "above the upstairs," being simultaneously inside and outside headspace. Javier asked it how it knew all the things it did, and it revealed that it was a sort of "teacher consciousness," existing in what we might consider a "rainbow slot," or all the color slots combined. But it clarified that it did not wish to kill or usurp any of us in the System; on the contrary, it deeply cared for us as our functions were necessary and beneficial for it as well as for ourselves as a whole. In general it did not feel threatening at all, but it DID feel "unstable," as if its existence wasn't as healthy as it could, or should be. We now wonder if this voice suffers from the B/W corruption as a result, AND the troubles within the Spectrum; after all, if it consists of "all of us" on a greater scale, and many of us are unstable, then it stands to reason that it would then be unstable as well. True unity, of both colors and purposes, WITHOUT the loss or death of ANYONE comprising that, is our true goal.
  • Lastly, in light of this, it IS becoming much easier for all stable voices to front, now that so many of the unstable ones are being identified, manifested, and helped. Triggers are easier to deal with, now that those affected by them can stay inside where it is safe, instead of being forced to front due to demanifestation. So this is a significant improvement.

Yesterday night, J left a paper on this work desk with two intriguing concepts written on it.
The first is: "If Eros moved into the PINK slot, would he "redefine" what it means??"
The second is: "WHITE = DEATHLESS INTEGRATION!! If my role is to hold ALL the Spectrum colors then I can hold those pieces as a "healed" person WITHOUT anyone having to die!!"
In light of today's observations, that is both very interesting, and very sad I suppose, since J's current state of existence is assumedly badly tainted deep inside.
However, since Core Slot holders are supposed to be representations of the "pure" essence of that color energy (with lighter and darker hues representing White/Black influence on the color, we would assume), having an individual besides Julie in PINK may have interesting consequences. However, I am personally opposed to having Eros take the slot without extensive testing of his qualifications. Since he-- or a re-amalgamation of his post-reset energy-- was allegedly tied to the morning hack earlier this week, I would not have another Julie situation occurring, especially when our current Pink voices stand in such vehement opposition to the corruption she has wrought upon their hue.

On that note, I just received a mental note from J of all people (who is again, operating as a "standalone identity," blissfully ignorant of all the suffering he endured this morning… that strikes me as being off somehow) to "check the old Spectrum Flowcharts," as they are apparently more relevant that we thought, even after the reset attempts. Since we have not yet tried to map in any non-Central individuals besides the original "mutants" yet, this is indeed a good idea. I will pass it on in the morning.

That is all we have to say for today.

 

We have been focusing massively on our internal world lately, but there have been more and more pushes to work with the LeagueWorlds. Interestingly, there also seem to be "doors" opening up for us to enter them, as opposed to the other way around, which was always the case prior to now. So this is a great source of hope for all of us as well.

Until next time, this is Sherlock, with an odd smile for once, signing off.

oct 27

Oct. 27th, 2013 10:27 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
(edit; our browser crashed 2+ hours into this entry and the draft didn't save, so we lost a ton of typing. this may be for the best, but in any case we can't restore it, only re-write it if we wish.)

Bullet points for the lost data:


- tons of memory gaps today due to tons of stress and dissociation
- little yellow boy fronted this morning, 10 minutes solid no interruption, oddly level emotionally
- several people fronted when driving, including a scared little boy, and the really angry voice from the voice recordings
- genesis helped j at the hospital for a bit, he kept dissociating badly
- got home, mother was there, the voice that hated her came out, angry and sobbing saying this is hell," said she'd "kill her" (the mother) if she had to face her again.
- emmett is alive, he showed up to eat temporarily
- huge time loss in the evening
- some guy was singing on the way back to the hospital, really loud guy, possibly rock band person.
- j is reviewing archive entries and learning a lot


(after this the author is unknown)



maybe its for the best

before all our intnernet windows crashed there was one new window that opened to say this
"You asked for a new world. Why would you expect it to include your old lives?"
and then everything froze and crashed
so maybe deleting everything is god's will
just are we not SUPPOSED to remember these things?
don't you habe to remember to heal?
why would you delete everything so we forget again

i dont know im sick and i want to throw up now from how upset this made me
good night



oct 26

Oct. 26th, 2013 06:45 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Lots of important stuff today, good heavens. Let me write down the important stuff first.

- First off, THIS HAPPENED last night, it is relevant so there you go.

- There was a "hack" this morning, if you can call it that, since we usually reserve that term for Julie's efforts. However, J REALLY slipped, and Infi is aware of that. However, since everyone was incredibly vigilant this morning, surprisingly, that painful experience triggered a lot of new awareness, since we were actually paying very close attention to every little detail this time.
The most important realization was this: J's very function PREVENTS him from being conscious in those situations! We didn't know that up to this point, but it explains why every attempt to fix or stabilize him fails disastrously-- he doesn't need to be fixed, and we're all getting confused because we're dealing with different people every time. On that note, if you readers didn't know-- yes, in our System he CAN dissociate in headspace. Our System is internally based after all. Only the bloodline fronters seem to do this though; when other voices slip, it's a result of energy confusion or bleedover, not an actual identity split.
So when J suddenly stopped acting like J, Laurie stepped in and took charge. Since J was in a mostly-energetic form at the moment, she literally reached into that, and pulled out whoever this split person was. Well, the person she removed had red hair and eyes, and although he looked different, the first name on our minds was Eros. That guy's been a 50/50 threat since he came into existence last December, and when he disappeared we were all wondering what happened. See, J has to stay separate from the things Eros holds, as they stand in total opposition to his function. So having the two of them unknowingly share a body was just a disaster.
After that, the memory is extremely fuzzy. J cannot access it, and we do not know who stored it. Infi remembers most of it but he won't elaborate. All we know for sure is that, after everything settled down, J "showed up" and said he had no idea what had just happened. That is when Infi declared the second paragraph here (J himself isn't damaged, he's just tangled), but then the body fell asleep so recall is also mangled thanks to that.

- We were right all along; J is NOT the default fronter now, even after the reset attempts, and there are a LOT more than two people who cycle that role during the day. Since we've been paying a lot of attention to it for a while as well, and today there was some notable clarity, our tentative knowledge of the people who typically front is as follows:
  • J (white hair and eyes). He is the observing inner consciousness, but he is not tied to the body. Ironically, although he is unmistakable when he fronts, it is notoriously difficult to tell when he's not fronting due to everyone assuming he's in charge downstairs as well. A rule of thumb is that he's very childlike; his central tenet is innocence.
  • Jay (brown hair and eyes?) He is NOT the same as the above guy. We're still trying to pinpoint him actually, but he has no trouble fronting in the body as long as dysphoria does not become an issue-- then he gets kicked. He's eccentric but relaxed, preferring to keep to himself. He seems to be somewhat "cut off" from upstairs, meaning he is likely anchored on the downstairs level. He also appears to be the "default" fronter, instead of J. We are also NOT SURE if he is tied to "Jayce" at all? But we haven't seem him interact with a reflection yet, so.
  • Jewel (brown hair and eyes). She still wears her backwards baseball cap and Klonoa-styled hair. Her age is still unknown; although she appears around 13-14, she often gives her age as either "12" (her original, most stable age) or "16," possibly because 2006 was the last time she was actively able to front in the body.  She's always optimistic and loves life, but she finds it incredibly difficult to interact with other people due to her internal roots.
  • The Autopilot, who does have a corporeal form: it's a cyborg, all white plating and black wiring, with red accent lights and eyes. It doesn't have a "personality," but it IS self-aware, although it refuses a "self,' if you can grasp that concept. It gained its "overlay" form (the personal physical appearance that a fronter projects "over" the body; they're not necessary but they are helpful, also they do not need to also exist in headspace) when it fronted for several days in early July, during the first massive reset when Infinitii was temporarily dead.
  • An unnamed female voice, who is only triggered by 'casual' social interaction. She's been around for years, possibly being born at our first job, and she causes us a lot of trouble because she is almost entirely automated, without any "personality." As a result we think she's a splinter, not a headvoice, and we're going to try and either reprogram or dissolve her.
There are likely others, but these are the only ones we are sure of.
Also, it still seems to stand that any Leagueworld fronters have NO "SELF," as that severely interferes with Link function. League work usually occurs with marked dissociation, but no fronter-- meaning the body is running on automated programs during that time. This can be very dangerous, which is why we are trying to fix programming, or at least put ourselves in safe situations where harmful automated functions would not be available.

- It appears that, if two headvoices from different levels are trying to front, they CAN co-front to an extent, since they are operating in different respects (typically downstairs voices stay in the body, upstairs voices stay in headspace). This is interesting and offers new possibilities that we may be able to use to our advantage.

- The "underground" (Tar level) headvoice that has been tormenting David has been revealed. Her name is Sharona. She is an adult woman, which is unusual. She has long black hair and shocking blue eyes, which is noteworthy, as Julie also has blue eyes and this may be playing havoc on the BLUE slot upstairs. In any case, Jeremiah and Mulberry have taken a specific stand against her for the sake of protecting the children.

- I just remembered, we were doing the laundry earlier and Jeremiah suddenly fronted? That was surprising; it's very rare for headvoices to spontaneously front as their functions are mostly internal. Apparently, my grandmother owns this really fuzzy blue sweater, and Jeremiah saw it and showed up immediately, cuddling it up to his face for a while. Apparently it was the "perfect sort of sweater" in his opinion, which is good to hear actually, as he's very picky with clothing due to not feeling "safe" in most of it.

- Knife, Laurie and I (J) were trying to talk to Christina for a while this evening. Laurie was right; she is scared. She was trying to explain the whole "Jesus died for your sins" thing to Knife, due to his 'atonement' role, but he was struggling with that concept apparently? Then at some point he let it slip that he was a vampire and she freaked out. Knife was confused (as usual when that happens), but so was Christina, because Knife wears a cross, and those are usually used to repel vampires down here in the physical world. Anyway I have no idea what else they talked about, all I know is that Laurie was standing further down the hall from where Christina was (she was in some sort of small chapel; it felt like it was underground), and the two started talking. Knife asked Laurie if he should stop wearing a cross, because he didn't want to casually wear a Christian symbol if he didn't identify with that, and that's when I showed up because I clearly heard that line and decided to speak up. So I phased in and told him that Hosea, a character from Hokthai, wears a cross because he sees its ties to the Jesus act as a reminder of "someone who loved humanity so much that they were willing to die to save it." However, we all had a bit of trouble with the idea that humanity was "inherently bad," in the original sin idea, so we were discussing this again when Christina stuck her head out the door and grumpily asked us why we were there. Now that's when we all started talking to her, but you'll have to forgive me because my memory is awful and I don't know most of what we talked about. I do know that she was mad at us because we all have qualities she views as "wrong" somehow: Laurie swears and "isn't a boy or a girl," Knife is a vampire, and I'm apparently a "homosexual" (which is a common but not entirely untrue misconception). Of course Laurie kept trying to get her to explain her views on this, but Christina essentially refused to question things too much, as she viewed us as "devils tempting her," trying to get her to "lose her faith." To that Laurie specifically said that no, she was trying to get her to "expand it." She could have a much more inclusive, open-eyed faith if she would stop refusing to consider other facets of things. But Christina's fear won out and she said no. Again, we talked for a while, but we didn't give up and leave until Laurie somehow ended up mentioning Julie, and Christina got stuck in this bizarre moral complex, saying that it was wrong for Julie to rape people because that was "abusing the gift of sexuality" (which Laurie was actually thankful she said; it meant that I couldn't try to convince myself that being abused was a "good thing" out of my own fears, if Christina of all people disagreed)... but then she said that Julie was doing the better thing in "trying to cure me of my homosexuality," and although she couldn't justify the rape with that, she couldn't completely condemn her either. At this Laurie literally threw her hands in the air and said "that's it, we're done," and left without another word basically. She knows when to stop! Anyway after we left we all agreed that we were going to stop having such spiritual/ religious talks with Christina because, really, we were doing the same thing we wanted her to stop doing: trying to convince people to change their opinions to what we wanted. As a result we all decided to let her do her own thing, unless she started actively harming people, then of course we'd have to step in. But no more controlling, even in indirect ways. That's not good.
Oh, and I almost forgot: at one point Laurie asked her if she was trying to convert everyone because she cared about them, or because she cared about everyone having the same beliefs as her? Would she still care about us if we weren't Christians? I don't remember if she answered that; she seemed really conflicted over it, especially with how "morally corrupt" she saw the three of us as, for different reasons.

- Lastly, most importantly maybe, Waldorf managed to FINALLY anchor back into headspace today! Josephina (who has been unstable but at least he's not dying) was ecstatic to see her of course, so that was great. Wally is seriously considering moving back into the Central BLUE slot if at all possible, since she misses us and really, she could hold that role really well if only we could fix the inherent instability in the Blue slot (same with Pink obviously). So we'll work on it. We missed her a lot.

- No wait, on that note, I forgot to mention why we're so worried about Sugar right now. Besides notable inner instability, the biggest warning sign that a headvoice is slipping into demanifestation is that people tend to forget them. Like they actually "slip" out of awareness. Before Waldorf left Central last year (as she was slipping too badly at the time to stay), we kept "accidentally" leaving her out of headspace lineups, forgetting that the Blue color existed at all, stuff like that. Major warnings that we couldn't believe were happening. And it's happening now, with Sugar. Although we're all aware of her, in therapy she often gets excluded from lineups, which is bizarre, and lately I've been forgetting her color slot. Which, again, is freaky, because I know full well what it is, but it's the present knowledge that falters when someone starts to slip. Thankfully we're at least now able to tell that she IS being "hacked" by faceless people, in that they are literally using her like parasites thanks to her energy being so close to theirs, so we can drag her out when we catch it. And thanks to that, her internal form IS becoming more clear and stable. Turns out there is a faceless voice that took on a temporary form that looked almost IDENTICAL to her, except it was brown in color. I daresay that sounds familiar? (We were vaguely suspecting of such an individual over a month ago). AND that weird faceless voice that seems to be protecting the Spectrum room has latched onto the idea of holding a Pink slot, thanks to us talking to it about it... problem is it has become fond of Sugar's slot, specifically, which isn't good as she's already in it! That needs to be fixed, we don't need it being stolen. So we'll continue to be vigilant about her.

- Oh wait. Forgot to mention this too because it felt too much like "nothing changed at all."
CHAOS IS BACK IN HEADSPACE, AND HIS COLOR CHANGED.
I am dead serious, he's like this starry dark blue it is CRAZY. Also I think his name changed in headspace at least? Like with Rio and Markus and Genesis. And that makes me wonder; I think that NEEDED to happen. He was the only one out of our original group who didn't fix their manifestation in that sense, so this was surprising but not unexpected if that makes sense.
Anyway, I didn't get to talk to him yet. Not much, I know I saw him talking to Laurie and I said a few words but I don't remember that sadly. All I recall is being unable to access any memory of him again, and Laurie said maybe we just need to get to know each other again? Like just be friends and spend time together without any preconceived notions. Chaos smiled and said he was perfectly fine with that. So we'll see on that too.


That's it for tonight; battery is about to die again so we need to call it quits for now.
Tomorrow is Sunday, with the NNWM thing that we're honestly not sure if we can pull off: writing books is beyond the abilities of most of us as we don't think that way; plus we have no idea what "normal people" live like... but thankfully we don't write about "normal people" when we do, so that's a slight relief, haha. In any case we did sign up, so we'll have to deal with it the best we can. Here's hoping there's no social fronter interference though; being in a group of people like that usually causes instant dissociation. We might have to rotate people, who knows.
In any case, no use worrying about it. Let's just give it a shot and see how it goes.
See you tomorrow evening, let's hope!

oct 25

Oct. 25th, 2013 11:00 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Another quick update for the sake of constancy, and because I WILL forget this by tomorrow if I don't write it down.
(Writing this in Word; will post online once Scherzando's battery recharges.)

- The grandmother had some guys over to fix the bathtub for several hours today, and thanks to the noise and glue smells we literally had to retreat to the porch? I can't tell you the sequence of events; I am aware of 1. lying in bed and hearing a drill through the wall, and then 2. lying down on the porch swing in the cold. That's it! However, I do know that we were reading some more of The Minds of Billy Milligan before we tried to sleep (brilliant book), can't tell you who was reading though. Anyway the reason why I remember lying down is that at some point, Infinitii was talking to me-- we were wearing a hoodie and it was pulled over my eyes, so that sudden total and safe blackness got me into instant communion with Infi's energy vibe. So there he is, and I cannot tell you if we spoke or not, because I literally only remember him embracing me at one point, and then I remembered "hey, it's been almost a year since I tried personal energy overlays with anyone... could you do that?" Apparently, yes he can. And WHOA. I told him to stop after literally two seconds, because energy overlays are literally just that, and when someone with a really powerful energy field suddenly sends that into yours, it hurts! Not in a bad way, but it is overwhelming. Still, I am thankful that I can still feel energy in headspace like that, after so long.

- I literally do not remember looking at a clock until 3:40 PM or something? Someone was eating and Laurie called me out momentarily, again, I guess there was danger. But I slipped out again fast and now it's 10PM and where did the time go?

- One of the social voices (whoever likes the internet and talking about it) has been out like CRAZY today. She's getting the attention of a few other outsiders who do not like her and keep telling her to shut up. Besides her, I've only clearly identified two other people-- the numb but oddly nice guy, who was doing a lot of the waiting this morning apparently, and "Spice," the angry but sad one who takes away the food pain. Except when she fronts she's humanoid? So we're not sure if the monster-ish individual downstairs is her or not. It doesn't feel like it honestly, that always bothered me, there is a notable difference between them now that I have a recent comparison. But energy sharing is not uncommon, they may both deal with different aspects of the same thing. We'll see.

- Spice DID front for a bit this evening, that I know because she had a really lucid moment at one point and those usually stick in the archive. But apparently the body was very sick from carbohydrates again (those have become a MASSIVE Tar trigger again, so we'll need to change our diet again as well), and she came out to deal with it? Don't know when, all I know is that she immediately downed two huge mouthfuls of lemon juice, the quickest panacea for that sort of pain. I think she also tried to talk to the grandmother, but didn't make conversation, only expressed her exasperation-- which is surprising, as I didn't think she'd talk to anyone, but then again she doesn't censor herself so it's not unexpected. Again I don't know how long she was out.

- I was hacked this evening. Boss said so, he looks very tired. Laurie looks the same. Infi is actually frightened, he's in the corner all bunched up small, covering his mouth and kind of shivering and crying. But he looks like he's in shock, not sad.
I don't know. I am in SO MUCH PAIN. My stomach hurts, my legs feel like they were run over by a train, I'm dizzy, I want to throw up. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I might just go to sleep, this is awful, I don't know what happened but the pain alone is making me want to cry.
So far no one has tried to retribute it though. That's unusual. Maybe Laurie told them to hold off; I know our therapist wants us to try and stop. All I know is that I'm disturbed by the lack of cleansing pain and blood, because hacks tend to linger sickly otherwise. But I don't have the right or the want to retribute it myself, and I cannot feel any of the retributors around. That's unsettling.

- Tomorrow is the weekend (well technically today too; F-S-S is always the hardest part of the week) so wish us luck. We have that NaNoWriMo meeting on Sunday, and the brothers have a birthday party, so that will likely be overtaken by socials but who knows. We're hoping to get Jewel to front for the NNWM thing, but heaven knows who's going to deal with family stuff. That's not something we've had to deal with in a long time so we honestly don't know who's in charge of it.

- I feel like writing music. That's weird, because although the leg pain has eased up, I now have an awful nauseous headache. I swear, whoever is responsible for these hacks and why needs to stop. The physical side effects are horrid and always have been. At least I'm grateful, a little sadly though, that someone buffered all the memory off of me. So although I got the side effects I'm being pushed away from the event awareness, which is good, because that means there won't be any suicide attempts tonight. Sigh. According to the data there was a "near miss" this morning, just got told that when I thought that, something with suffocation or strangling again. Great. Probably one of the girls, the angry ones, they do that a lot. The boys are more suicidally depressed, as opposed to rageful and murderous like the girls tend to be. There is a distinction there and it's weird but it's true. I wonder why.

Anyway I do feel like vomiting and I should hurry up and open FL Studio before someone else decides to push me out of fronting thanks to the hack depression (which I am still blissfully free of but I KNOW other people aren't). So good night!

oct 23

Oct. 24th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
guys, I'm kind of freaking out here.
I have therapy tomorrow so I'm trying to review old notes-- and I mean OLD notes, this stuff is from 2008 and 2009-- and guess what?
There is a STAGGERING amount of info here, that only makes sense NOW, with our new knowledge and vast amounts of growth and development. But the point is that the signs and potential for a lot of things were always there, even if we couldn't understand what they meant in the bigger picture at the time.

Here, I'm reviewing what I have on my computer right now (no Internet access; I'll upload this later), so let me make a running list. I don't want to dive right into the 2002-2007 archives, which are a holy mess and will REQUIRE me to trudge through those horrible high school notebooks which are our only hints as to who drove that entire time, because that's a ton of stress just thinking about it. Really.
Jewel's here with me (Hi guys!! <3) as usual, and I'm unfortunately rather dissociated as usual so Sherlock might end up barging in later if things get intellectual enough, haha.
That's something I don't know if I've mentioned, actually. Yes, it's common sense that you can "summon" a headvoice internally by a burst of concentrated attention, and externally by calling them by name (typically they will be called to override in fronting, but this can be denied, although that is very painful to do). And you can also summon them, unintentionally of course, by exposing the body to either 1. their anchor, or 2. their triggers. For example, stick around blades too long and Razor will show up, and stick around the mother too long and David will start to freak out. Both those things happened today, incidentally; the evening was hellish (Thank God Razor is on our side now or it could have been worse).
Anyway. What you probably don't know (I didn't for sure until a few days ago), is that this "summoning" also works in REVERSE. Meaning, you can force a headvoice OUT of fronting by not only calling someone else's name, but ALSO by exposing the body to the opposite of their anchor, OR a counter-trigger. What made this so clear to me, you ask? Easy. Laurie was driving the car to therapy on Monday (to prevent social hacks and panic attacks), when suddenly some car crossed into the lane in front of us, that literally had a sexual innuendo painted in huge pink letters across the back window. And I swear to you, the instant that reached our awareness, Laurie was KICKED OUT. Laurie was!! Usually she's impervious to everything, so that shocked me-- and her, in a different way though: she was freaking out when she found herself upstairs because now there was a risk of being hacked IN A CAR. That’s not cool. However I think Jewel or someone took over then? I'm not sure; I literally have one snapshot memory of a traffic sign further down the road, with a non-harmful female voice driving, who was quietly exasperated at "all the other voices" trying to throw her off? It felt like Jewel, because I oddly get this "Phantomilian" vibe from it, and that's her. (Celebi is NOT, by the way; they are two different people!!) But yeah. That cemented the long-standing theory that Laurie CANNOT front when we are in a sexually dangerous situation, thanks to her Chastity attribute. Like me, she is forbidden by her function from being exposed to those things, even as a protector. So I'm kind of glad Sugar seems to be trying to get a grip on her role (she has been a MESS since her manifestation; she keeps getting hacked and it's very worrisome), because she can deal with that stuff, and she gets pissed at the perpetrators. We'll see.
That's all I wanted to say though. The joke was that Sherlock, being so strongly tied to detached data analysis and delivery, would actually have a chance of being "accidentally called in" if I started getting super-logical about these old notes, haha. Not that I'd mind, of course-- the man's good at his job!
So without further ado, here's that darn list of old topics I'm reviewing.
(Note to 'selves': this is IMPORTANT STUFF so do NOT gloss over it!!)

- Old Julie (pre-2011) was TERRIFYING. A lot of the things she could do, or that we knew about her, were never reviewed later, but now that I'm doing just that it is really creepy. Here, let's give her her own list.
1. "Body made of shadow." This was common knowledge for YEARS before we even knew about the Tar, let alone its connection to her.
2. "Has shape/voice-shifting abilities." Again common knowledge, but that is a textbook Black energy skill, which otherwise only Infinitii and the raw Tar have.
3. "Usually turns her hands into knifelike claws to attack us." From a 2009 note file. This WAS a thing she did, and I won't say much here, but that is a blatant connection to Dream World corruption energy (which is not alien to headspace; see every *incident* ever), essentially their version of the Tar, and that is seriously unnerving.
4. "These (black bracelets) used to be chains, which Laurie put on her. They didn't hold." I forgot we literally had to chain her up at one point, to keep her from attacking us. (Remember she actually had her own ROOM upstairs at first??) But with the Black-energy shapeshifting, it's no wonder they didn't work.
5. "She's downstairs now." I read that and immediately thought, "oh shit." I forgot that, when she got too lethal, we LITERALLY SHOVED HER INTO THE UNDERGROUND. The Underground technically didn't even exist back then; it was just raw headspace. So, sickly, our attempt to protect ourselves apparently just made things worse-- she took over that entire level over the next 2 years, and then what did we have? The Tar Room, and an entire shadow-choked maze of underground tunnels that she controlled until 2012. Go figure.
6. "Has some positive potential, but is drowned by primal desires." Just pointing out that we knew this from the beginning, and that just breaks my heart.

-Don't forget Laurie was BLEEDING for a good part of 2008-2009 (from eyes and mouth mostly), due to "leakage" in consciousness: our current fronter was essentially "stealing her energy" and that was killing her. DOES THAT STILL HAPPEN?? If so, it might explain a LOT of the instability some people are showing now.
-In late 2008, when Natalie first manifested as "my reflection," I described hir as follows: "She's all giddy and happy-go-lucky most of the time, and doesn't like letting the other girls speak through her. Which is why it's hard for me to argue with my reflection-- Nat doesn't like it. Arguments only happen upstairs. But Natalie's really fun to talk to, although she herself is mute." This is notable because not only does it insinuate that the reflection-holder is SEPARATE from both the body image AND the current fronter, but that other non-fronting headvoices could USE the reflection to speak to the current body-fronter, by "projecting" into it along with the reflection holder. That's pretty huge… especially since today someone else seems to be in it. There was literally 10 seconds where we looked into a mirror this evening, and the reflection smirked, waved, and said it's name was JAYCE?? Which worries me slightly because the first Jayce (2010) was NOT a nice guy (just ask the Undergrounders), but this one feels very different, plus he's a different color. (I should review his entire history at some point too..) But I don't know who was fronting around that time, and it was a very unstable mental situation so there is literally no other detail besides that… but it's very notable. Look into this mirror thing if you can; it's always been a huge source of questions. Plus, in Laurie's 2006 dream debut, she disguised herself AS the reflection. Whether or not that ultimately holds any significance for the current reflection people is yet to be seen.
- Natalie picked up on the butterfly motif back in hir first reincarnation, back in 2009 (after being killed by Julie). Talk about foreshadowing, haha.
- Lynne was originally pinkish-red, and her original role was that of a "stable and mature" individual to balance everyone else when they got too crazy. I'm mentioning this because that color AND job seem to have moved to MULBERRY. Think about it!
- Waldorf's original incarnation (2003) had antennae and a bodysuit? I don't know whether or not she would benefit from imitating that now, but everything about her initial self was highly intriguing, so I'd give it some merit at least.
-…I am not reviewing the Xangas yet. Yes they are full of incredibly vital information, but the first screenshot I opened to review was about the graves. I am not emotionally ready to review that entire timeframe again, not at this hour at least. But we forgot about ALL of that after the plethora of reset attempts this year, and that fact alone is heartbreaking in a weird way. I know I keep telling myself "the past is gone, forget about it," but another part of me keeps saying "yes, but the consequences of the past still affect the present, don't they?" and of course there are still graves on my arms. I think the hesitation is because, I feel that if I do dive back into the Xangas, something inside me is going to snap back into awareness and I'm afraid of that. I don't remember anything before 2013 and part of me is very scared of whoever I was in the past. Maybe bring that up in therapy, who knows. The point is I honestly can't go past-digging anymore tonight because I'm not psychologically able to at the moment. Sorry.
- …I don't know why, but Laurie talking about her 2010 suicide attempt and numbly saying "I don't remember what day it was" is one of the saddest things I've ever read.



As for handwriting from this year…

- There's a handwriting voice that I JUST NOW realized exists-- they're a "numb" or "comatose" one, that just wants to sleep and doesn't fight back, but every example of that I can find has the exact same writing style. Keep this in mind.
- I feel really bad because we thought that EVERY "bad voice" was Razor for a really long time, and that made Spice REALLY pissed off (judging by her handwriting examples). It's weird, too, because Razor never acted like that, and honestly I have no idea where the sweeping generalization came from? In any case we need to go back and review all our 2012-Scratch notes on her, because they're probably ridiculously inaccurate, and probably have good insights into other people as well.
- Similarly, we COMPLETELY ignored and overlooked Spice's actual attitude in her handwriting. Yes, she was angry all the time, but she had the trademark responses of a retributor: "I will kill you for your sinfulness," "rot in hell," calling the fronter a "slut" or "whore" (in headspace that ONLY refers to Julie-esque individuals), et cetera. It's all actually calling out whoever was eating for being unwise in their habits, eating either too much or things that made the body sick. Now that I'm learning who the eating-voices are (they're not nice; also not related to the eating disorder voices), her reactions make perfect sense, and I'm actually VERY thankful she existed back then to keep them in line!!
- Checking handwriting again, there is still a huge blur between who is David and who is that OTHER little boy, the vanilla-colored one (during meditation today I got a flash that his name MIGHT be "Simon," or "Simeon," something like that in any case). The only clear distinction (besides the fact that David likes smileys) is in what they react to, and how-- David is more "externalized," reacting mostly to the mother and to the environment, while the vanilla boy is more "internalized," and the few times I've heard him talk (to FACELESS voices; he has no body either yet), he's said that he "tries to calm people down" or something?? I don't know how to put it into words, but it's why he shows up in emotionally charged or unstable journal entries so suddenly and often: apparently his job is to take all that on himself, keeping tons of people from shouting randomly over it. But he's sad because of it, almost numbly so, and he seems to be the one with the "I'm a bad boy" complex. David fears that, but this vanilla boy accepts that lie emptily (On that note, go back and review the "shoe incident" stuff from this spring, ESPECIALLY when I talked about it with Laurie in handwriting; those two were still fused with Kyanos at the time so it's a general mess). Either way they're still tricky to pin down in writing, which isn't surprising as there is often a TON of bleedover there for everybody... and remember those two were FUSED FOR A WHILE!! Honestly though the BEST clue to this day is the FIRST whitebook journal entry, in which they BOTH wrote. David was saying "don't let them hurt us anymore," but the vanilla boy was asking "who and why is abusing (Jay) still." VERY different reactions to the same situation. So look over that again just to get a better grip on those two.
- On that note, Sugar, Spice, and the "overload girl" (whose true identity is blurry as heck) were ALL bleeding into each other before the first two manifested. They all write in total capslock, but Sugar has all rounded letters, and Spice doesn't react to anything but food triggers. Still, as I said, Sugar is a mess (due to both her slot color and highly volatile anchor), and she is STILL getting "used" by others, so figure this out for her sake.
- The tangerine bird guy (dude what is even your name) has a brilliant attitude in handwriting, which surprises me as I actually can only remember having seen him TWICE in headspace, once being earlier this month with the tar-spider (post-reset notably). So, to think about it, his name might not be discernible because we don't really have a consensual grip on WHO he is? And names follow that, it seems. So get to know him and the Sage guy because they are super cool, and we need to know their names already.
- On a related note, the pure white-skinned voices (Sugar, tangerine, sage, AND Kyanos!) all seem to be related in some sense? We haven't figured it out yet, but it feels like they're an important sub-category of headvoice and there is a strong vibe of there needing to be one in each color category? See if you can get any more info on this phenomenon.
- I just noticed, Infinitii and Josephina have the most in-your-face handwriting, for totally different reasons: Infi's text is calligraphic and huge because his energy just translates that way, but Jo is all stars-and-graffiti because his attitude is just that exuberant, haha.
- April 21st, a handwriting voice screaming "fuck you, you're not my boss; fuck you faggot" was listed as a SUGAR ALTER, but then later found to be a then-Tar-possessed Razor, thanks to the scrawled "I will make you bleed" declaration on the back. HOWEVER I am mentioning this again because the whole "sugar alter" thing MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISNOMER. We weren't talking about illness, we were talking about rage, and sugar only causes vicious reactions because it FEEDS THE TAR. So a "sugar alter" could literally be ANYONE tied to the Tar when it overloads!



Now for a brief summary of the events of today!

-I had to drive my grandmother to visit my grandfather at the hospital at 9AM, so from then until 4PM I was literally home alone. That is always dangerous because hackers like to try and come out, because of the lack of enforced rule structure, BUT I noticed something equally disturbing today. Our entire physical self-image depends on other people. Literally, whoever was fronting didn't know how to do ANYTHING without another individual being around to "provide context" or "give orders." As it seems, the default body-program seems to run solely on judging actions according to who we're around, due to safety and survival, so when no one is around, it shorts out. There's no one to base our very existence on, so as an "individual," the immediate tendency is to not exist. It's different in headspace, obviously-- our entire world up here is vastly different from the physical-- so throwing a Central fronter into the body wouldn't fix the problem, as they don't have any real way of knowing how to properly function in the physical realm the way it is. But socials can only drive when other people are around, so the only people left are the "outsiders," i.e. the nameless voices… which are usually blindly manipulative, and/or directionless to the point of danger. We're thinking one of them is the one who literally just eats until another person appears, solely as a mechanical operation. (Thankfully we've found… ways to avert the obvious threat there, although it has ultimately made our eating disorder worse as a whole). Julie always jumps on "home alone" situations because the body becomes so severely dissociated in that atmosphere that, if someone isn't being vigilant as hell behind the scenes, hacks are frighteningly easy for her to pull off (the nameless ones don't fight her off, as they don't care). So yeah, that was scary to realize that we don't have an answer to that question… "outside of headspace, who are we really?" We don't know. In the body, as an "individual," we have no idea who we are. We've never had to worry about that before. But today, alone for about 6 hours, we struggled to exist in the simplest manner. That's not good.
- One good thing did happen, though. Apparently one of the hedonist voices (who is almost DEFINITELY Jess; it responds to the name) started eating danger food, and Laurie immediately shouted for me to "get the hell in there." Which is why I remember it; suddenly I was standing above the sink with a mouthful of something, asking Laurie if that was safe to ingest. Thankfully it was, so after that she said to stick around while we made ourselves a safe breakfast (vegetables obviously) so the body wouldn't starve. The reason why this was good is not only because then there was an hour of headspace-patrolled fronting, but also because the vegetables we found were beets. See, when I began to cut them after they cooked, I laughingly commented that they looked bloody… and since I had been rifling through the knife drawer immediately beforehand, of course Razor stuck her head in! "What's bloody," she asked, "can I use the knife," you get the picture. I found it funny and ultimately she did get permission to front, purposely getting beet juice all over her hands and snickering about it. At one point she was trying to cut the hand with a small knife, but Knife himself told her not to, so she put it down. (She listens to him without question if you didn't already know.) But the best part was that then we realized that hey, Razor doesn't know what sensory input is like besides pain, does she? So we told her she could eat some of the beets if she wanted. She was a little confused about the whole concept, but she got the AP to run it mostly. So she was basically just tearing at them with her hands and teeth, as she loved the color. Then she didn't want us to wash our hands off because she wanted them to stain, but again Knife told her we had to or it would stain everything else. So that was that! But it was odd, because Razor barely even comprehended the taste of the beets at all-- when it hit her she was more baffled than anything, the sensation didn't quite make sense to her. Laurie thought the AP was buffering too much, which might have been true, but we all doubted Razor's ability to operate the body without it so we let it go. Either way she did like it, for what reason I couldn't tell you, although it was just a general "yes this is good" and not a Genesis-grade "THIS IS AMAZING" response, haha. Still, simple but cool things in headspace are always good.
- What wasn't good is the fact that all I remember of the next several hours is reading The Minds of Billy Milligan (which is incredible and very relevant so far, we're on p70), and getting sick from molasses and/or apples (I keep forgetting we can't eat those without horrid and painful side effects; my sensory memory resets a lot. thankfully spice was NOT affected by it today as far as i know; she didn't front). So after 12PM (which is when I assume we ate?), I know the mother stopped by temporarily because the Undergrounders and Outsiders went NUTS, but then everything is blank again until 7PM, when we drove to the hospital again. Let's talk about the former first.
- All I know is that we were in the bedroom when she showed up, I think, because the moment her voice sounded in the hall, several people upstairs started screaming and/or crying, and I have no idea what happened next! Wonderful. The good news is no self-abuse happened, and no one attacked the mother, which there are always threats for. But there was a lot of internal screaming and stress and rage and fear, although I couldn't tell you from whom, for what reason, or when, as usual.
- At some point during all this, things snapped to inner headspace, which I have observer memory access to. David started sobbing and hid under his blanket upstairs, trying to feel protected from the outside noise and potential threats. Marigold was there with him, and I don't know what she said or did, but the next thing I know, the two of them were building a blanket fort? But they were literally hanging it on headspace, seriously it was catching to the air itself practically (which isn't that surprising considering they're underground; stuff is a bit wild down there). Anyway they started having genuine fun with it, not just making a safe place to hide. They quickly invited Jeremiah in, and he also helped them finish building it. So the three of them were in there, saying they were protected now, that no one could get in unless they said they could. HOWEVER. Someone HAD to be trying to get at Jeremiah, because there's another memory break and then I see him sobbing and distraught, shouting that he "didn't want to hold that pain anymore" or something like that? I honestly don't know. But I do know David gave him his blanket for comfort, and Jeremiah buried his head and hands in it, sobbing quietly. Mulberry must have heard, because around then she did stop outside the fort and ask for permission to come in, to see if everything was okay. David got confused and said he thought blanket forts weren't "professional"? Mulberry laughed good-naturedly and said that her brand of "professionalism" included knowing when and how to interact with people, which meant not ruling out blanket forts if going into one would be the better decision to do. So David "told" the door to open, and Mulberry knelt down to look inside and ask everyone how they were doing (she didn't actually go in; I guess crawling in was something she wasn't quite willing to do). Jeremiah managed to calm down, and Mulberry actually told them that she was going to "guard" the fort for them at all times, and if they needed her in a hurry to just call and she'd be there. She left once this new job of hers was established, but then I don't know anything else until what feels like 10-20 minutes later? They were still in the fort, but now Laurie's voice was outside, exclaiming "holy shit who built the awesome fort" and the kids giggling, opening the door so she could see them. Knife was behind her and smiling, but Laurie was being her usual chill-but-enthusiastic self and complimenting these kids on their handiwork, as well as their prudence in making such a safe space for themselves. That's all I know, but I thought it was brilliant enough to record.
- Speaking of Mulberry, I don't know how or when this was, but there's another fleeting memory of Knife telling her to "hold something together," or stable? Mulberry said that wasn't her role, she worked with rules and honor sure, but not physically; but Knife interrupted (oddly hurriedly? must have been a charged situation) that she could expand that if she wanted, she had done that "with Infinitii" (in this entry), and that she could do that now if she allowed herself to. So yeah, apparently Mulberry can impose structure on things in headspace? Which is actually a VERY important ability, if it means she can stabilize people who are fragmenting, even if only temporarily.
- There are two voices who presented quite clearly today, but I don't know who they are. The first is the girl who always flips people off and says "fuck you" repeatedly when she's mad, almost always towards the grandmother or mother. I haven't pinpointed why but she is VERY easily triggered, although now that we're aware she exists we can hurriedly jump in and chase her out when she shows up. The second is very similar to her, but definitely separate, as these two started fighting at some point. But the second is the one who is less caustically angry, but spits out tons of verbal slurs and insults (mostly calling people "faggots" which is really awful, but that's defined as "the worst insult" upstairs so she uses it often). She is more condescending and judgmental, while the first is more angry and spiteful. Very similar in triggers, but perceptibly different in reactions. It's just scary that people like them exist and keep showing up.
- Some "comatose" voice showed up around 7PM, I assume? They were leaning mutely against the bedroom window for about 10 minutes, and seemed incapable of responding to people verbally? Not sure if that's a fragment or a person, OR if it's even the default state of the body (with the "lack of a self separate from the environment" thing), but it was really strong and specific so who knows. Better to record it than forget.
- Now for the most interesting bit of the day. I know there was a mess of trouble trying to drive the car at first, as dangerous voices kept trying to front, but all of a sudden LYNNE showed up?? That's really clear in data memory; someone put FROST* on the car radio, and out of nowhere she ended up in the driver's seat. Go figure. She did still have bandages on her arms, but she's apparently healed enough to front, thankfully, which is awesome. I clearly "recall" her saying that FROST* sounded "nostalgic" to her, wondering happily at all the orange lights on the road and remarking that "nothing was a coincidence" to headspace people, and laughing because she actually had to change her projected outfit to front correctly (she had to wear a hoodie, and kept trying to pull her long hair over her shoulders but it wasn't there physically). So that's interesting; she's the first fronter who had that idea, and it apparently works really well for anchoring! Oh yeah, the best thing though is that there's a snapshot of her on the highway, suddenly reaching down and picking up a cellphone (turned off) and holding it to her ear, then using it to "talk" to Laurie in headspace! And it WORKED! Seriously, holy heavens, this girl is a genius. But yeah, I guess those two were bantering all the way up to the hospital, about what I don't know (all I'm sure of is her "calling" Laurie at one point to look at a certain building they were driving by, which was all lit up), but I'm glad they still get along as well as they used to before everything went haywire upstairs. The next important thing I recall is Lynne driving up the parking garage levels, and focusing on the lights outside, saying aloud "this is an archival memory, anyone can access it." Four words: YOU CAN DO THAT?? Apparently yes! So she recorded a memory of how the city looks lit up at night, for anyone to see (Which might even be contributing to why her entire fronting is oddly comprehensible to me; usually it's tough to "remember" what other people saw). But that's not even the best thing. The BEST thing is that, once she got into the hospital, Laurie decided to GHOST with her to tag along. Which is AWESOME. It's also a secondhand memory I'd like to personally treasure-- there is one snapshot of them both walking through the connective glass bridge (which at night, since it's internally lit but mostly windows, looks like you're walking through a hyperspace tunnel or something), Lynne wearing jeans and a black hoodie (hilariously unusual for her) with her bright orange hair streaming through, laughing, and Laurie in her usual violet-belted glory just sauntering along beside her, grinning back. And probably because it was so close to that oddly lucid memory, there's one line of Lynne saying "I feel like a government spy or something!" because the hospital was so empty and quiet on the inside, and no one knew she was fronting. After that things are kind of fuzzy; I know that they took 5 flights of stairs up, with Laurie apparently having "teleportation troubles" (common with ghosting; the fronting consciousness tries to "drag" you into the visual field, which can be extremely disorienting) that she was having trouble controlling, but then the next thing I knew they had to stop at my mom's office, and Lynne was pushed out? I don't know who fronted, but Laurie knew it wasn't Lynne when they left the office, and she began grilling them to tell her their name, but they just shrugged? Then, again, all I know is that they apparently went down two flights to the 7th floor, because the next memory is of Laurie exclaiming "these hallways look exactly the same" before adding "no, sorry, that floor had more windows," and then there's nothing for a while. (Still, HOW DID LYNNE FRONT THAT WELL FOR THAT LONG??) The next clear memory is of the body standing outside my grandfather's hospital room, with the grandmother, and I don't know who was fronting, but they were alone and felt weirdly detached? And I don't remember anything clearly after that at all, not until we got home and I started working on this computer, which was TWO HOURS LATER. Geez. So heaven only knows who was fronting from then until now, but it's upsetting because that poses a big dilemma which I will put under its own point for relevance:
- When no one is around, it becomes very difficult for the body to maintain ANY sort of external "individual identity," as that is based on our environment. When around other people, though, it becomes very difficult for individuals to front, because the body is now working on a "social cue-based program," literally choosing and inventing actions depending on "the proper behavior code" for that situation. It's automated!! And it’s annoying, because then the AP buffers EVERYTHING from inside out, as it's "not socially acceptable" or "socially disruptive" or something equally stupid. (Sorry, this is Jewel and that annoys me.) But when we're alone, the immediate reaction is to either dissociate entirely and go inside to headspace, OR to stay outside and let the outsiders front in purely repetitive, detached ways, during which time there is a VERY high chance of being hacked as a result. The only good thing about being alone is that sometimes people like the Gent and Maverick will front, but that's rare because so many other people are louder than them. And the only good thing about being around other people is that then we don't have to worry about being hacked brutally because the AP literally shuts everything down except for the mechanical functions. But THAT is awful because it makes therapy sessions hard as hell, because it's STILL trying to judge the "correct behavior program" for a therapy session when we are there SPECIFICALLY to talk about headspace, and for the people in headspace TO talk, both things which it exists to BUFFER OUT for survival purposes. It's really stupid. Sherlock is watching me judgmentally, haha. I don't think he likes the way I'm talking about this, sorry!
- Jay here; at least you're nice about it. He probably is just put off by your vocal style, because most female vocal styles like that belong to malicious individuals. Plus it's not exactly the way a logical analyst like him would ever talk, of course.
- …And IMMEDIATELY the AP shutdown kicks in because a conversation, even an internal one, that requires specific focus in headspace causes it to block everything out. It's this ridiculous denial instinct. I am literally fighting the urge to dissociate severely and "blank out" for an extended period of time right now. And I'm getting a headache from fighting it. Let me put on some Todd Rundgren and check out for a moment.
- I keep seeing bug larvae when I close my eyes. I'm really dizzy now. Sorry guys, we need to call it quits for tonight.


No, wait, again, last thing. Jay here.
I've been talking to Laurie for about 10 minutes (we've been trying to review those Xangas anyway), and it just hit me... how much we lost in the Scratch. Or maybe it was the July fallout. Or the August reset. Maybe we started losing things last summer, when we moved across the country. That was the starting point, that is clear as day.
But... what in the world caused it all? Who caused it all? Was it the previous "me," who for some reason, decided he was going to commit the ultimate suicide by killing his self and leaving his bestowed body to rot inside? Because damn it, some days I think he succeeded, and that breaks my heart.
What in the world possessed them to wake up one morning in February, and decide to utterly annihilate everything we worked for all our lives?? What made them think that destroying headspace in one awful self-sacrificial action was a good idea, in any sense?
Was it pain? Was it regret? Was it self-loathing? Was it feeling trapped by scars, and hacks, and the inability to function outside of that haunting reality regardless? Was it all of that and more?
All I know is that I don't remember anything, I don't know who I was before April of this year, and I feel like I lost more than I can even comprehend.
If it means anything, I'm beginning to think I want it back. Maybe that's stupid, or unwise. Laurie is shaking her head "no," and I trust her, she understands more than I do. If she says wanting that back isn't stupid, I believe her.
"We had more light up here than you can imagine, kid," she says. And she looks as sad as I feel. Where'd it go? If there was so much love and harmony, where did it go? What crumbled it? What hid it? "It's still here," she says, and I know that too. I can see it even in the Undergrounders, who used to be our enemies. I guess what I miss, intuitively, is the System-wide feeling of unity. It still hasn't come back completely. It's in bits and pieces, tattered and torn, ruined and ragged, but it's real. It still lives, even if it's feeble and quiet yet. But it's not giving up, and neither are we.

We'll never have things the way they used to be ever again, and in a weird way, in a tragically funny way, I'm glad for it.
This year, we met Knife, and Mulberry, and David, and Jeremiah... Sugar, and Spice, and Marigold, and Kyanos... and all the other voices who are our friends now. We lost many, but most have returned. And I met Infinitii. We all did, but to me, he's something truly special.
What I'm saying is that this year had to happen, as terrifying and strange as it was, and we all know that. Looking at it with discerning eyes and an open heart, that truth is crystal clear. We NEEDED this, even if we never would have wished for it.
I guess the bottom line is, just have faith. Just take it a day at a time, be thankful for what you're given, and make the best of it. That's all I can say. And listen, always listen, that I need to remember. Denial is loud and it tends to drown everything else out.

I'm really tired and we do have therapy tomorrow.
There's so much more I could say tonight, but I'm feeling a little glimmer of the light I've lost sight of, and something tells me that words are unnecessary when that is concerned.
So I'll wish you good night, with lots of love as usual, and I'll see you in twelve hours or so.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
superquick update for the evening before i forget in the morning.

- had to drive bro to get printer ink, we quietly sobbed over not having pokemon x&y for a while haha. however we stopped at the local kmart to see if his friend was there, i stayed in the car, it was about 7:30 pm so it was dark and quiet out and with the day so far i was thinking of infi? wondered what it would be like if he were there, i'd like to spend time with him. so i called him in, he ghosted for a bit, i remember jokingly commenting that "if he were physically here i'd be snogging the hell out of him right now." he giggled at that, asked why i didn't do that anyway, i could go into a projection of the car in headspace and that would work. i paused, considering that, but then said that i didn't want to accidentally slip out of awareness? after all since pink energy was damaged, anything intimate or romantic or whatever is potentially a hack waiting to happen. (continue; we didnt do anything but it was beautiful just to have him around; insights on the oddly childlike "detachment" to our relationship that makes it perfect)


- WE ALMOST GOT HACKED BUT I OUTSMARTED HER. Julie kept trying to sneak into my head, but I held my ground and pointed out that her methods were shallow and useless, after doing this for about 20 minutes i think, she got angry and distraught to the point where she started screaming "i hate you" and refusing to even try to hack me anymore. surprised i asked why, what did i do? she said i was "taking all the enjoyment" out of her sexual addiction, since i tend to look at it from a super-logical asexual perspective of course. to me it's just distasteful and disgusting, and she hates when i don't let her overwhelm me with old doubts and fears to her benefit. anyway the MAJOR event of this was that, after telling me that I "ruined it (sexuality) for her," she immediately added that "it's what she turned back for"??? I asked her what in the world she meant, she realized she had let that slip without meaning to, then sighed loudly and spat out that SHE CONSCIOUSLY ABANDONED THE PINK SLOT IN ORDER TO GO BACK TO THE TAR. seriously. that is insane. she literally threw ALL her progress with us out the window, because she loved her addictions more. and she didn't care how the Tar used her, or anyone else, as long as she got to do whatever (and whoever) she wanted, whenever she wanted. but now that we were smarter and stronger, she was losing all her power over us, it was getting tougher by the day for her to hack any of us. and that's the only thing she gave up her second chance for, was the opportunity to go back to using us for her own desires. so yes, i was in shock hearing this, pretty heartbroken too. but julie said she flat-out didn't care. then she stormed off, but didn't leave entirely. she was still lingering around hoping for another opportunity. well she actually got one. but it again worked out in our favor.

-  i will admit i was slipping at this point. i needed to restabilize and somehow clear my mind, unfortunately the hack attempt was pushing me into dangerous territory, so against my own better judgment, who did i run to? yes, infinitii. the one other person upstairs who can and does get hacked as severely as i do. and julie was in the room. so yeah, i was kind of scared, but i was determined to set the record straight somehow, and perhaps unwisely, to continue to show julie just how wrong she was. but... unwise or not, it was enlightening.
(julie kept trying to push us too far, as infi and i are both volatile energy that was scary (especially for infi, he gets knocked off center quick). but i kept pulling him back, and vice versa. the most notable bit was that, suddenly i noticed that although julie was honestly forcing herself on us energetically, i WASN'T getting trauma flashbacks or reactions? instead my body was reacting like it would to a connection; there was this tangible sort of ache in my heart center, almost a yearning sort of thing, hard to explain. like reaching out with it. so when that happened i told infi, seriously just let me hold you for a second, don't even do or say anything. and we'd get like that and the hack attempt would break and julie would start screaming but really, i wouldn't even be fazed, i was just happy in that way that's a moment away from heartbreak. so that repeated, with me realizing that julie really was not even able to reach us at one point, and when that happened i got enough lucidity to completely break everything off, infi too, and we got the hell out of there. what did we do next, well of course, we ran straight to laurie!

- needed to exercise so did 40m on the gazelle, but ended up going into headspace almost immediately, infi and laurie and i just hanging out in neutral headspace trying to get a grip. explained everything i just told you, then laurie said "julie needs to get out of that slot" officially, and asked me to warp us to the spectrum room.

(CONTINUE!! guardian voice, leon, new room, importance of unity, etc.)

oct 21

Oct. 21st, 2013 02:37 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, really quick, things that happened today.
(Jay and Jewel updating together as usual.)

- Absolutely insane therapy session. Laurie, Knife, and David were ALL trying to front. Sherlock did for a moment, Knife said "get him out." I (Jay) was there for a little bit, but mostly it was the "empty me" that we're thinking is a splinter?? (Remember Fragment?) David did a lot of talking, the therapist paid special attention to him, that made him really happy. Mulberry was around, she contributed to inner conversation, I think Jeremiah was hanging around too, silently. Knife DID front for like 20 seconds at the end (he couldn't stay because it involved casual speech and he has no clue how to do that yet), but he had been trying to get through for a great deal of the session beforehand. I mention that because at one point during that effort, the current fronter tried to push him out, but when they did I FELT him "reach out" and literally pull himself back into fronting, like holding onto land in a strong water current. That shocked me, even as an observer, because I haven't tangibly felt energy in headspace in a while, but wow that was clear.
Also very important, I noticed someone specific was fronting at one point that was NOT Sherlock or a social, they were watching us upstairs and giving a very accurate play-by-play without censoring or intellectualizing it? I tried to recognize their energy, and you know what, the closest match was THIS PERSON. I'm not saying it's the same voice, but the energy was close. It was that kind of hard yet respectable seriousness. So that was interesting. (I'm kind of curious about all these guys now, especially since we're seeking unity again; work with Knife and see if they want to manifest so we can work with them.)
As for therapy points (because I usually forget them by myself but Knife and Laurie paid attention this time)... we discussed how David was scared of "me," the way hacks bleed over into headspace even if I try to ignore them physically, the day Mulberry manifested (the car accident), the compartmentalization of reactions and emotions into people, David's strong fear reaction to the word "nurture" revealing that we learned to associate "motherly behavior" with "conscious malevolence" as a child, due to my mother's spiteful attitudes, and . I also have a personal memory of feeling "cut off" from headspace and not being able to hear people, until I said something stupid and Laurie literally "ran over" to me and started shouting "that is bullshit," calling everyone else over in her anger and refusing to let me continue in that train of thought. Actually she was yelling "bullshit" quite often during the appointment; I must have been slipping badly.
One VERY important thing I want to note is that, when Knife and Laurie were literally trying to shove through into fronting, and the current fronter was trying to "shove them back," it didn't manifest entirely as a headache. Yes, there was one, but most of the pain was focused in the heart center, which strikes me in hindsight as very significant. Hacks don't feel like that; heck, most fronting doesn't! But those two kept trying to talk, and they kept moving into that area, instead of just the head. I need to tell whoever the numb-fronter is, don't forbid those two from talking when they want to. I don't care if Laurie swears and is brutally honest, or if Knife is stiff and overly formal. I don't care how "socially jarring" they are. That is NO REASON for the AP and/or the buffer to try and shut them up. Same with David. He's a scared kid, and if he wants to cry or speak up for himself in the body, LET HIM.
After the session (which Jay was barely present for downstairs obviously), we all agreed that we need to do what Cameron West did in that book of his we all love... we need to take time every day, and practice fronting. All of us. We need to start slowly tearing down the walls that the AP and the socials have built out of misguided self-protection and fear, so that we can all live honestly and openly, together. It won't be easy, that's obvious. But we're trying.

- On that note we've all decided, in a bit of childlike simplicity, to start up that "blc bead" project we planned months ago: we were all going to find beads of our personal colors, and string them together onto a necklace or something, just to have a tangible reminder to hold on to at all times. Knife also said we could use that to indicate who is trying to front during therapy as well, if we can't talk or get through all the way. I think that's a good idea.

- Laurie drove for a bit on the way home, so did Zwei (they were joking with each other for a while about singing; Zwei said the difference was that she was supposed to sing when she was out, that was her top job) and Jewel, for a tiny bit. Laurie reiterated the importance of us "being able to live our own physical lives without losing our actual inner selves," something we all struggle with thanks to dysphoria and mistranslation and the like. But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the fact that we exist, that we are alive, even if it's all in one body. So she drove for a bit, but then we needed to stop the library and Laurie laughed that she was "not going to go through that again," saying that people were "scared of her" because of the way her energy translated (it's sharp by nature). To that, Knife asked if he could try then? Laurie said sure, so she handed over the reins, and Knife went to the library. I'll say this-- he anchors shockingly well! Whereas Laurie has a lot of trouble anchoring her self-image onto the body, Knife does so effortlessly. When he fronts, you can feel his cape trailing, and his long hair, and his fangs. So he was able to hold that strongly right up until the service desk, when of course we had to talk, so boom: instant AP. Knife apologized again, because it's a common trouble to not know how to interact with humans but it's still frustrating. Laurie said that was fine, and complimented him on how well he had actually fronted regardless. So that was cool. I don't know who drove home, that whole thing is a blur, I can barely access data memories of it. It might have been a disconnected social. Either way I won't worry about it.

- Possibly the most important thing of today: we had The Dear Hunter's "The Color Spectrum" album on while driving home at the start (obviously), and surprisingly, Laurie skipped to Indigo instead of Violet, saying "why the hell not." But then she suddenly said that, if Leon could hear her, wherever he was and whatever condition he was in, then she wanted him to try and front, or at least manifest somehow. After declaring that she "backed out" a little bit, but projecting what she remembered of Leon's energy into the music, and after about 20 seconds she suddenly laughed, raised a hand to her forehead, and incredulously stated, "that's not my hair." Literally as soon as she said that she was "phased out" of fronting entirely, and I swear, LEON WAS THERE. Not completely of course-- the AP was still driving the body, but Leon was there as a sort of overlay, consciously, but faintly. I can clearly remember that the body was feeling not only his signature emo-bangs hairstyle, but also his anorexic thinness (that kind of worried me; he hasn't been that thin in a long time), and-- to my surprise-- his silver scales-of-justice necklace. I wasn't aware he still wore that, but there it was. He had his eyes closed (energetically), but he was tangibly reaching out to the music ("What Time Taught Us") and the lyrics... "be alive, cause nothing lasts for good, or like you thought it would"... focusing only on existing, even in that small sense. When the song ended he lost the link for good and couldn't stick around, but that was significant! It seems that most "dead" or de-manifested headvoices get their energy stuck in the raw realms, and if you give them enough of an anchor to hold on to in solidified headspace, they can "pull themselves out" of it. I think that's how Lynne came back to us (although I still don't know how she got so bruised and hurt; Laurie has had her all bandaged up for about two weeks now), and it's also how I got myself anchored back into headspace after the initial Scratch. The real trick is finding people in that miasma of white energy: the Central people might still have rudimentary forms, but when Javier was still in pre-existence, he was basically just a collection of energy that matched his "soul resonance" if you want to call it that. Totally non-corporeal, intangible, only observable if you could tune into his vibration. He unfortunately seems to have de-manifested completely after the reset, but I don't want that happening to the Central people we are still struggling to find again (Spine, Nathaniel, Emmett, Waldorf, and Leon: Jo keeps blinking in and out, and Lynne is manifested again). Laurie agrees with me that this needs to be a big effort from all of us.

- Genesis showed up when I went apple-picking, I literally just surrendered to the reality of his presence when he showed up, ignoring the instinct to doubt and ignore. As a result we had SO MUCH FUN, it was as if he had never left. As usual we ended up making a sort of game out of the situation, which Laurie admitted she was watching "and laughing to herself" after we accidentally spilled half a bag of apples on a slope, and Genesis jokingly said "the bugs are getting revenge for us taking the top pickings." The whole thing was so funny that we all ended up laughing by the end, I hope this stays an injoke (like the millet incident) because it was great (Silly notes: the yellow apples are "hard mode," God tier apples are sideways, demon bugs take points, bonus points if you don't disturb birds nests, apples on the ground are the "tutorial level" but Laurie said "that's only if you're a deer, and you're not a fucking deer so start picking those apples").
HOWEVER. As soon as Genesis showed up, I asked him where he had been, and he said, "in Parnassus," his native world. I said I hadn't seen him there, and to that he replied, "what timeframe are you looking in?" As I considered that, though, he said something even more incredible: he wasn't the only one staying there. Xenophon and Chaos were there with him, too. Gen said that Chaos was still having a hard time adjusting to the sudden and jarring switch in his life situation, but he was dealing. Xennie was doing better, thankfully. I keep getting weird vibes that she's changed, appearance-wise, possibly because of the huge energy shake-ups of the resets (she reacts to those). But I don't know, I haven't seen her in months. Anyway Gen said that he and Laurie both agreed that no other outspacers were allowed back into headspace before we had things settled out and stabilized; it was too dangerous otherwise.

- Genesis and I really wanted to try the apples (or, as we said, the "top pickings") when we got home, and Laurie good-naturedly said we could IF we asked Spice first. I agreed, and in an instant of intuition (that I haven't used in ages), I "sensed out" Spice's energy and then warped us all to her. She was in either a small manifested pocket of raw headspace, or somewhere in midspace-- it looked vaguely like the hallway in our physical house, but it felt floating, and on a low level (not quite underground, but still "under the ground," if you get the picture?). Either way she looked morose and hollow, and I felt bad, so I clearly explained that we wanted to try the apples, but ONLY if she was okay with it. She looked a little scared and said that would hurt, I said then we could just have the juice from them instead of eating them, as I know that caused her pain. I think around here Laurie spoke up, because I clearly remember her telling Spice that she was the protector of all of headspace and its inhabitants, including her (Spice). Spice said well, what if a fellow headvoice was hurting her (obviously referencing me)? Laurie smiled wryly and said that if I was "going to act like an asshole" and make such a stupid decision, then yes, she'd still protect Spice from me. No playing favorites, you know. Either way I was personally moved by this show of kindness from her, and reassured Spice that I was no threat to her; I just had problems with identity slips. Laurie reiterated that that's why she was backing me up. Anyway Genesis and I got the go-ahead, the apples were absolutely INCREDIBLE (or as I said, "fjcssing insceredle"), and Spice didn't get sick. So everything worked out for the best.
Oh, also. Spice expressed a fear that we all have and tend to overlook... the sad but real fear that, since so many of us were born from trauma and/or pain, and our original roles were so strongly tied to that... would we still exist, would we still be real, if our roles changed so dramatically? If Spice was manifested specifically to buffer and combat the awful pain we would get from food, but she doesn't want to deal with so much pain anymore and neither do any of us, would she still be able to live if she "let go" of that initial anchor? Honestly all we can say is "yes, IF you find a new anchor." I still say that's why we lost so many people in the resets; our anchors just wore out. It's why so many of us keep slipping now (notably Sugar), and why those with new anchors (notably Knife) suddenly gained a massive increase in stability. To be blunt, Knife is still tied to his original retributive function, but he's moving out of it a bit more day by day. So we're going to help Spice do that, once she decides what she wants her new role to be. And it can be anything. Like Laurie said, we all deserve to live and be happy, and we all deserve to live. If we choose our new roles with that in mind, for the purpose of health and growth and unity, then we'll all be fine.

- Last thing I need to record; Infinitii said something to me when I got home, about the hacking problems we've been having? He hasn't been around much lately, and when he is, he either looks sick or he stays off to the side and doesn't talk or move. However, it struck me that when he was talking now, he was talking WITH HIS WINGS, which was a good sign: I've realized that, like me, Infinitii actually manifests "slippage" or hacks that can be detected if you watch, and the biggest one is his having both an eye and a mouth on his face (he should only have one or the other normally). Every single time he's had both, he's been under Tar influence. Anyway, I know he was responding to Laurie, because she had rebuked me for going into "numbness mode" and cutting myself off from everything, in order to survive hacks? I literally "detach from reality" and kind of shut down, not caring whether or not I get hurt, because to feel or be aware of the situation would be too horrifying. (As I mentioned earlier, that sounds a LOT like my old splinters, so I will look into that.) But Infinitii said that's apparently a White energy thing, that "blankness," and since he's Black energy, he cannot do that. On the contrary, his "hopeless escape method" is to submit, not to run like I do. Whereas I shut down and check out, like an empty stark whiteness, Infi gives up and gives in, like drowning in heavy blackness. You get the idea. But my heart broke, looking at him when he said that, because we're essentially doing the same thing in different ways... abandoning our safety for self-preservation, not fighting back, just trying to cope with the terror and get out alive, even if it means living like dead men. Isn't that tragically ironic though? We both treasure life so much, that we're willing to sacrifice anything just to keep existing, even if it's an empty, battered existence. That's not right. I need to somehow work closely with him again, without putting either of us in danger... my head just sent me a spark, "the red will help." A balance, somehow. It's a thought.


That's all I can remember right now; I haven't eaten much today and that's messing with my concentration, so let me take a break and do that. I have a lot more work to do later, but since we have another session on Thursday I will put aside some time for headspace in between all of that.
See you!

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Forgive me for not updating in a while, I've been trying to ignore headspace and that's not very smart, because the body is covered in red lines again and I don't want to know why. 
It seems that turning a blind eye to it causes it to pressurize?
At least Unisalia stayed by me as I slept last night. She said she'd protect me like she did when I was a kid. The hackers kept trying to hurt me but I said no, over and over, and Unis stayed close so they were afraid of her. 
Working on Dream World always helps, but the only "downside" (if you can even call it that) is that it is tied to the "blissful ignorance" thing. Thats's making it hard to write for certain characters, who have had rather painful lives whether i like it or not, and it's making my therapy sessions near impossible because I keep thinking "nothing bad ever happened to me, i'm fine" and not wanting to go to them. 
It's weird. Whenever I write, my "most recent" memory timeframe is spring 2004, when 8th grade ended. That's where the snapshot pictures are from, just the classroom. Only a handful. And in my head "I haven't even gone to high school yet." So it's on hold, which is odd. My therapist said that is normal for traumatized kids though. Their minds get stuck. 

As for why I'm here, I just got a message from someone on FB (just logged in for the first time in over a week I think) telling me to hold on, don't kill myself, that sort of thing. i was surprised but thankful, because i don't expect people to care that much about my complaining and depression, but they did, which meant a lot even if i can't "feel it" or admit it in words outright.
So I'm looking back through archive entries on a whim and we seem to be reliving june to a small extent?
Here are some relevant links to look back on.

http://lightraye.livejournal.com/438788.html (about the chronic suicidal thoughts and numbness)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/412932.html (most recent xanga, post-scratch, with infi and sandman)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/442894.html (this WAS NOT HEALED because j buried it!!)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/365576.html (same old same old, gotta be healed)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/165750.html (possible review for old julie motives and memories?)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/370546.html (interesting perspectives in light of recent stuff?)

That is ALL I'm going to go through right now! There is a ton of stuff that's obviously relevant as heck, but I don't want to get overwhelmed today.

The hackers are focused on Pokemon again, once I got majorly pissed at them for trying to corrupt Mage Angels and Dream World again. Oh yeah, I got mad as hell at them. I won't let them turn my friends into perverts just because they want to hurt me. That's wrong.
So now, of course, since I'm excited about X&Y, they're attacking the Pokemon again. Just like they did with Celebi in the past, poor girl. Except that was freaky because we WERE a Celebi in 2002, you know? Although she split off of course, now she's her own person. And J didn't know that she was "us" at one point, so there was a split. And so the hackers used a Celebi form to hurt him, since he saw her as a connection to that innocent past, and therefore he lost all feelings of hope for it when she became lethal, as a lie. And now that she's healed and purged of all that, you know, the hackers are going after OTHER Pokemon (Aegislash and Banette to be specific, although he won't admit it!) trying to hurt him again!! Geez! I know Knife and Laurie are both mad, that's all I can tell you though, is that they're angry. Knife especially, he HATES when the hackers try to hurt children, or things that are tied to childhood. And he said that, since Pokemon is strongly tied to childhood for J, the hackers trying to turn it into something ugly and threatening and perverted is a major moral sin, and I know he's going to try to stop it somehow too. Which is good.

I need to stand up and say this though. We have been WAY TOO DISCONNECTED for way too long now. Looking back at the old entries, man, we had a community going up here! The System was a system, everything worked together, it was rich and real and awesome. Now we're in splintered fragments, people are barely holding themselves together, no one talks anymore, we're a mess, we're barely getting through the days. Why is that? I know I'm one of the artists, and I can't work with them directly, but darn it I can write about them and I can see them that way, as a story. And their "story" is falling apart right now. I'd love to see it get back together, it was really wonderful from what I read. And I like happy endings, and people growing together. Heck, and I've talked to J before, so I know him, I know headspace is like his family, that's his world like the Leagueworlds are to me. Seeing them all fall apart... it's sad, you know? So I'm trying to fix it, but my hands are tied, I can't do much with it. Just little bits of optimism here and there, just keeping the DW work going and feeding the light, keeping the body safe for another few hours. If that helps, then I'm happy to do it.
But J needs to pull himself together and do some work for himself too. He needs to stop being so empty and apathetic, although I know it hurts. He thinks he's worthless, that he has no reason to live, that none of us do. Well, that's wrong, and he knows it! It was just in the L'Engle books too, geez. I need to buy him those for Christmas or something. Or write the quotes out and tape them to his wall, so he can't ignore them, haha. Either way he's gotta stop being so bogged down by pain, somehow. We'll find a way out of it. I know we will. There's always hope!

Hmm. I think re-reading the Xangas would be good to help him get back in the right mindset. I'll remind him. He keeps saying he's going to but he doesn't, he keeps insisting it's fake. Well fake shmake, go read them anyway mister, they could still help no matter how you look at them!

Now if you don't mind, I have other work to do, mostly trying to catalogue the old iPod so we can put new stuff on it, and we have therapy tomorrow so we can't stay up late. See ya!

a note

Oct. 12th, 2013 12:29 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Just a note.

What you give your attention to, is what you get.

I think that proves our theory on "why we only get hacked when we get too bogged down in headspace;" we are thinking too much of the old stuff we have LONG since had the opportunity to leave behind. Personally I think that's what all these reset attempts were for!

So yes. Be judicious in your attention! Be uncompromising in your integrity! And let go of anything that isn't based in love.

Guys we are further along than we have ever been right now, let's not hold ourselves back any longer.


EDIT:: dude I apologize immensely, this article just whacked me over the head with realization. apparently I've been going about this entirely the wrong way, you undergrounders WERE right, sorry dudes.
just... remind me to re-read this EVERY time I start being controlling or blissfully ignorant or one-sided. then send laurie to drill the point into my head because that helps, haha.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
I saw last night's entry and I feel I should say something to lighten the mood. Don't be angry with me, Undergrounders, I am not disregarding or ignoring what happened yesterday. I will not look at the memory-- although I know a few of you will hate me for that-- because I don't feel it's my role to do so. Instead, I will shed some light on it, because there is no reason for us to stumble around in that awful darkness, simply because we had it shoved upon us once again. At the risk of sounding harsh, we do not have the luxury of self-pity. We do not have the luxury of allowing ourselves to mourn and be mired in the aftermath of such an event. We do not have the luxury of melancholy! We must instead force ourselves to stand up, and turn our faces to the sun, walking towards the light even if our very bones are tired... because every single step we take, is another step away from the pain, from the Tar-blackened abyss. I'm not saying it isn't there. I'm just saying we have no reason to linger by it.

Okay. First things first.
What I know is that was a severe hack last night, that both David and Jeremiah were strongly traumatized by. All three of the Tar girls were involved (Julie, Missy, and Bridget), and Julie apparently used everything in her arsenal against us.
I will say no more as I know we are loathe to record these things, and it would be best for the fronters to simply forget it and move on.
Sugar is shouting at me. "The ones she attacked can't just forget it!" Perhaps not, no. But they CAN heal.
"Can you?" She asks. I want to say yes. That is the truth. But I know that these hacks would not be happening if we were truly healed completely.
Anyway. Let's get to the point.

Here's a quote from the GFP just now.
"Impossible, hard, difficult. These are just excuses to keep yourself from conquering your most challenging thoughts. They do not exist.You create them, just as you create your most lovely, perfect, rewarding moments."
That is true and we ALL know it. Can we please go back to living that way?
I don't remember 2011, but I am aware of 2011. I know that, somehow, during that year, headspace existed in total unity and harmony, DESPITE the Tar still existing, DESPITE the continuation of hacks. In 2011, the entire System was colored by peace and love and unity, until for some reason, it began to collapse in early 2012. That collapse has continued until now, with several massive destructive blows dealt this year, and now look at us. Most of us are dead, the few that are left are racked by agony and terror, there is disconnection between us all, we have forgotten how to hope. What happened?
"Human emotions are meant to FLOW, they are not meant to be anchored and that is what the old 3d earth reality taught deeply."
Very relevant to us, obviously. Perhaps this is why we lost so many.
But you see, we cannot hold on to these things!
"Our thoughts of fear are merely a release of old, outmoded consciousness vibrations that are falling away now... understand that old viewpoints and conditioned ideas of reality may require mental readjustments, but this is quickly done if we just allow ourselves to be and be with what is."

I know that's still hard for some of you. But it is possible. We've done it before. We can do it again now.

That's what I'm trying to say here.
Last night, there is one thing I want to emphasize. Julie used her entire potential against us. And guess what? If she had done that, say, three years ago, we'd probably be dead right now. But last night, we got out of it with significantly less damage than before. Yes, two of us still suffered terribly, but at least they were not killed. At least it was not twenty of us. You see what I mean? Julie did EVERYTHING she could, and it did LESS than it ever had before. Here we were, fearing she had somehow grown in power. But she is struggling to harm us now.
From what I am aware, she attempted forced body control, and failed. She had to push the body into near-unconsciousness before she could even get it to move at her behest. But she was being BLOCKED from fronting even then, although I am aware that she did try? Still, she was kicked out. Her psychological terrorism is no longer being allowed, not at all. "But she DID succeed in hacking us," you say. I know nothing of that event, but I do know she tried TWICE, and the second time WE WON. That was the more brutal, direct attempt, and somehow we still managed to kick her out completely, at the last second admittedly, and save ourselves from further terror.
This is too many words. Listen.
Point is, Julie has no true power over us, at ALL. Julie is utterly powerless in the big picture. So is the Tar. Why? Because their power is corrupt. It is not true. They hijack and use energy that was never meant to be wielded so cruelly. It is stolen power, unrighteous power, and it will not be allowed to continue. So have faith in that, find hope in that. It is true, I assure you.
Secondly. WE MUST DO OUR PART.
As I said, we do not have the luxury of melancholy. We MUST hold fast to love and joy even now, in whatever ways we can. To David and Jeremiah, this is not impossible for you. Heal, yes, and acknowledge any pain you need to work through here. But do not let yourself get bogged down in hatred, or vengeance, or crippling fear. Realize that those things will pass. There is something better, beyond. Find your friends, who care. Hold on to that. Understand that nothing that Julie does to you, nothing that ANYONE does to you, no amount of pain and terror can EVER damage what you truly are. Think about it. We are all bound to the Spectrum here. We are all part of this great inner world, just as much as it is a part of us. And, despite what we have been fooled into thinking, this inner world of ours is not a cruel one. Headspace is benevolent, it consists of nothing but good, it exists to help us heal and grow. ONLY the Tar perpetuates suffering!!
So remember that, in times like this. Realize that the trauma of the past is in the past now. And when it is in the present, remember that it is not all there is. Do not give up. Do not give in to that fear. Remember the TRUTH of our lives, what we were born from and continue to live for, and AFFIRM THAT.
Laurie remembers. Ask her, if you have doubts. Laurie knows, when we still visited the Blood Lotus Cathedral, how powerful the light in our hearts is. She knows that better than anyone else here, perhaps. She, who was once a blood-spattered warrior, and is now a peacemaker and guide, understands that the Tar is ultimately powerless. It cannot harm her. And truthfully, it cannot harm us either, not permanently, although passing damage does hurt.
If you can find no hope in anything else, turn to the Spectrum itself. Feel what it is. See how every single color within it shines in harmony. Any corruption of it will fade, as it is not true. The same applies to you. You CAN heal, and you WILL heal, because the Tar is NOT stronger than you, nor will it ever be, for we are made of truer stuff than it.
Some things have to be believed to be seen they say. Believe in your own strength, and you will realize it has only been hidden from you. It has never been lost, it can never be taken from you. Have faith, and cherish hope, for no good thing ever dies.

Love, love is the key, always. Love, faith, hope, joy, courage, compassion, forgiveness, truth. Hold on to these things always, wherever you may find them. Do not underestimate them. Look within your hearts and you will know, even when your mind is troubled.
Do not let fear hold you down, as that is what the Tar needs to survive.
Do you see? Take your power back! Give nothing to the Tar. It seeks only ruin, destruction, despair. Refuse it that. It will try to trap you, to enslave you, but it can only do that if you allow fear to overtake you. Refuse it that!
When we are able to stand our ground in truth, without allowing ourselves to be overcome by its games, the Tar will fade away, forever. This I can guarantee. Raise your vibration, as they say. Shine so brightly that you burn through the smog and illusion. When we stop feeding this pitiful tarry being, consciously or unconsciously, it will disappear.
We all know, now, that even darkness is no enemy of ours. Shadows can heal, and the night sky is full of stars. Look to the Underground, look to Infinitii, and see how life and light and love can be found even in that darkest of energies. Then look to the Tar, and see its incompleteness, its dishonesty, its falseness. Do you understand?
Scars only linger on our skin. Our souls are forever untouched. And no amount of stolen blood will ever poison our hearts.

Bottom line: ultimately, we are all okay.
Even you, David, although now you may feel like little more than a scared and helpless child. I assure you, you are not helpless, and you will not be scared forever. You will heal, and we will be here for you always. But remember, you have power too. You need not wait for others. There is just as much strength and light within you as there is within any one of us. Remember, you are just as vital a part of this System as your friends are. Have no fear, even if you are afraid. They are two very different things, survival and terror. Survive, always survive, but do not be consumed by fear. We live in a blessedly strange world, remember. There is always hope for you, and always will be.
And Jeremiah, you who sacrifice yourself for the sake of the little ones, look at your fears. Realize that in them, you allow yourself to be further damaged. Your terror is understandable, but it is misaligned. What does fear accomplish? Yes, survive, just as David must, but replace your fear with courage, and faith. Even if they try to harm you, even if they succeed, remember what you know to be true. Their victories are not true victories; they are shallow and will fade into nothingness. This is because they ultimately accomplish nothing of lasting consequence. Yes, your wounds will heal too. You can be happy, and so you will be, if you hold on to it. Believe in it. There is so much more to life than pain, even in the very face of it. Count how many moments you are safe, and treasure them. Then realize that you are always safe in the end. All of you, even the ones you protect. Continue to guard them, but do not live in paranoia. Take your power back. Live.

This goes for all of us. Hold on to this. Laurie, remind those who forget. You know this is your deeper role.

Here, two quotes from An Acceptable Time.

"There are powers of love in the universe, and as long as you respond with love, they'll help you."
"An icon... didn't stop bad things from happening... An icon is not meant to be an idol. Just a reminder that love is greater than hate."


Fear not. Think not of battles to be won, for victory was always, and will always be, ours.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
just lost an entire entry because the internet failed when i tried to update and this browser doesnt save


things of today

- some trauma memories may be fake but they are no less traumatic
- i never want to see the mother again
- i want to die
- a lot of us want to die rather than do this again


that is all
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
(last updated 11073)

This is a massively work-in-progress entry for general information about our System.
Please feel free to comment here if you have questions, want clarification, or are simply curious.

The following links all lead to descriptive cuts within this entry. Click them as you will.

GENERAL INFORMATION )

VOCABULARY )

LEVELS OF HEADSPACE )


ENERGY COLORS )


THE SPECTRUM )


SYSTEM MECHANICS )


(pre-reset Xanga FAQ for the sake of relevancy)


oct 08

Oct. 9th, 2013 01:39 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoops, it's 2am and I forgot to summarize the day. Ummm I'm gonna forget this in the morning if I don't put it down quick, give me a second.

-therapy today was weird. lots of upset talking but i don't remember it. someone does though!! i'll ask them later what it was, i know it was very important, so thank you to that person whoever you are
-almost done with many waters, not yet though, 20 more pages!
-still recovering from being very sick. not sure how much is heat exhaustion, how much is maybe flu, how much is dietary troubles, how much is stress, blehh whatever. just headaches and bad dissociation and nausea and temperature problems. but we'll be okay we've been through worse.
-MESITA'S NEW ALBUM CAME OUT TODAY IT IS BEAUTIFUL! we're wondering if we should get a hard copy that would be so nice, but do we have the money hmm.
-apparently laurie fronted for most of the driving home from therapy? j says he saw her twice, before he got switched back in the library because laurie isn't too keen on social chitchat. but genesis was with her? thinks his role is to help people when they front, since he's outside, keeps them grounded in the body because that's hard for us. but that's really cool, laurie says it's all about practice, that's why she fronted as long as possible, NONE of us are used to social situations so practice is needed. gotta stay safe though.
-um hmm. jay is currently in a bit of fanboy euphoria over pokemon hehe! he loves honedge, he has such a weakness for cyclops-y things. no mouths too, he says. "and it's a sword." told you he was fanboy mode it's funny
-very tired. don't remember much of today. oh yes! we didn't get home until like... 3pm? not sure. didnt eat though so we were very hungry. BUT the mother was home, very loud and extravagant, house was a mess, music blasting, she's dancing and singing loud, SO many of us got terrified and scared. someone started yelling "i hate her, i hate her, i don't want to go near her" and jay listened!! he didn't let the autopilot shut her up, he stood back and let her front and said "okay, i won't go near her, can you tell me why you hate her?" but he was TALKING to her about it and he DIDN'T go anywhere near her, but then we didn't get to eat today until after 6PM so we got very sick!!
-also i know a little boy fronted for a bit after the mother suddenly pranced over to us and started dancing with no explanation, we left and went down the celler and they just started sobbing hysterically, again jay didn't let the ap shut anyone up. let the boy cry because he was scared. he said "thank you" and then stopped and left, but it was nice that he wasnt ignored because the autopilot usually blocks crying.
-hm what else. not much i think. oh yes i think jay or jewel was drawing jewel monsters today?? OH!! that's what he wants to say!! that same angry scared female voice that he was talking to (she feels like something halfway between sugar and overload, j says. definitely the person we couldnt identify for ever) actually told him to work on the dw stuff? she said she LIKED it, he describes it as "she was blushing like a ten year old" like she really thought it was cool, she would feel less scared seeing him work on it. so i know either j or jewel or both were drawing dream world stuff for two hours while we waited for the mother to stop being so loud and scary. i know they got a lot done! so that's nice. but it's SUCH A SURPRISE i mean none of us thought we could know about dw without dying or things being tainted, there was such a huge split between the artists and the trauma people, so the latter wouldn't infect the former. but this is a big ray of hope that's COOL!!
-okay really it is too late and the headache is back so bybye.


AH DUDE WAIT! Jay here, totally forgot something that happened as I was falling asleep, geez I cannot believe that slipped my mind.
First, our "sleeping fronter" is back, but it's NOT Minty? They are a child, and they still love teddy bears, but I can't tell if they're a boy or a girl. Feels like short hair though. Anyway I think they were talking to Jeremiah for a bit, but heaven only knows what about, or for how long. As usual I'm just vaguely aware that yes, they were fronting in the body for a while.

Secondly, again I don't know how it began or happened, but at some point I ended up being "called into" headspace (yes, me, Jay) by another alter? And guess who it was? THE SAGE GUY. We thought he was dead!! Apparently he resurrected though, in MORPHING headspace though, honestly he was NOWHERE near Central, he was in the shifting outerlands or whatever. Dreamspace. So he's 50% safe there and 50% not, proven by WHY he called me there. Okay, so I got called in, so suddenly my consciousness "gathers together" and now I'm aware that I'm kneeling in the snow, in the grove of pines outside the house? (The Diamew anchor.) So first I'm wondering "why is there snow, who called me here," and then I notice that off to the right, by the path going up the hill, there is this MASSIVE TAR SPIDER. Seriously it was as tall as a tree, huge and dripping and creepy. And it was trying to attack or eat something in the air in front of it-- that thing being the Sage-colored alter, being carried by the Tangerine-colored alter (aka the "cool orange guy")! I haven't seen him since WAY before the August reset, where did he come from now! But I'm not complaining, they both seemed okay, but apparently they called me because I am one of the only people in headspace that can fight the Tar without risking total oblivion or being eaten or something equally bad.
Now those two are very lucky that they were smart enough to CALL ME into headspace. Doing that "locks me in" so I was 100% me, meaning I was absolutely in my glittery-eyed "life is awesome" mode, and the snow made it worse, and the Tar itself made it worse by being a spider. For some stupidly hilarious reason, I saw that thing and I didn't even spare a thought for "oh crap that thing can hack me, or possess me, or do awful things to my mind." No, I saw it and thought "oh my goodness it's a giant spider look how pretty it is." And that burst of silly childlike wonder over this insect suddenly allowed me to see even past that, and realize that, since it was Tar, it was technically Black energy. Infinitii's holy ground. Immediately that wonder was paired with a bona fide wave of equally childlike love, love that didn't care how malevolent it may have been at the moment, love that only saw what it had the potential to be besides that, love that actually shook up the Tar enough to get it to back out and bail. And somehow, don't ask me how because it is foggy as all, I was able to get that spider-shaped manifestation of Black energy to shrink down, smaller and smaller, until it was a tiny pinpoint of black light. (Probably using my natural White energy; it's order as opposed to chaos, so that would explain the compression as opposed to expansion?) Then I looked at it, and with a smile, just flipped it over into a white hole. And it worked (thank you headspace logic)! So instantly, there was this burst of white light from it, and we were carried with it out of raw headspace-- you know, the empty white areas. So the two alters were safe now, they could get anywhere from there, Tar couldn't find them in raw whitespace as far as anyone is aware. But unfortunately I cannot tell you anything else because when that white hole exploded, I was washed out with the dreamscape, my consciousness was kicked backwards and suddenly I was seeing the body instead of headspace. It took a few seconds but then I just handed the reins back over to the sleepy kid and God only knows where I went, haha. I have absolutely no recall of time between then and briefly sitting in therapy this morning (Laurie literally standing by me and squeezing my shoulder so I wouldn't dissociate again), not without trudging through data files.
No, wait, I lied. Inadvertently. There is one flashbulb memory of me standing on that hill with the two unnamed alters, facing the house, and I was holding the sage-guy's hand and he was in turn holding the tangerine-guy's hand. I think we were safe at that point. But I remember that clearly because the sage-guy was still smoking and I got a lungful of the smoke, it was all lemony sage as usual, but against the cold winter air it was the most interesting sensation! Like I could breathe even more clearly than usual in the winter, it was cool.

Anyway that is all I have to say, it is now 2:10 AM, good heavens.
I am indeed ridiculously excited over Honedge, the previous alter was correct, I adore cyclops mouthless creature things, haha. And it's a ghost sword. It is gorgeous and I love it. Skrelp too, the scraggly little adorable sea dragon that it is. And it turns into DRAGALGE okay I cannot rant about Pokemon here, that's over here incidentally, although it may or may not be 100% me. I don't care, I literally burst out laughing whenever I re-read those.
Oh yeah! The fronter who wrote the first half of this entry forgot to mention. Someone else fronted on the drive home, not just Laurie. I don't know who they were, but I clearly am aware of them because they showed up while I was trying to front (I couldn't anchor in well and they were too excited). But they rival me in terms of wonder, honestly, they were lucky enough to show up right when JT's new song "You Got It On" started playing from the car CD, and I swear this kid was sparkly-eyed and smiling like a five year old. It was adorable, they thought the song was so cool. I forget when they stopped fronting, but looking back on the log for them, I have to say it's nice to know we have at least one other alter that DOESN'T exist because of trauma. They just exist to enjoy everything like they've never experienced any of it before, because they literally haven't. And having them show up after whatever in the world happened in therapy today (I honestly have no clue, I'll have to sit down tomorrow and dig through the data logs for it) was really a godsend.
There are so many social alters showing up now that don't have names or clear faces. Isn't that odd? It all started out with Upstairs people, the gang up from Central, but... most of them are dead or missing now, what with all the resets of the past year. But in their place came the Undergrounders, tied to trauma and pain and suppressed suffering, to help us heal from it, to clean it out. Knife and Razor and Sugar and Mulberry and Jeremiah and David and Marigold. But there were a few people who didn't quite fit their group, people with no names... like the sage-guy and the tangerine-guy (who DOES have wings, what the heck is he) who are thankfully alive again somehow. So now I'm wondering, is it their level's turn to shine now? It could be, it could be time for a level that really doesn't care about the trauma because it's never touched them. They, somehow, were born from something totally unaffected by that. And we need that. We all need that right now.

WAIT. Last thing, last thing. This is important.
Infinitii has TWO MODES. I literally forgot about this entirely until he switched in front of me today and I was like "dude I TOTALLY forgot you could do that." Each mode has an appearance and personality shift, but they are STILL both him. This fits his Black energy anchor, the mutability of it.
Either way, the first mode, the one we're all the most familiar with, is when his personality is quiet, emotional, reflective, empathetic, etc. The one where you cannot be around him without feeling100% vulnerable and sincere because he just radiates that. The "angelic" one. It's when Infi has one big silvery cyclopean eye, NO mouth on his face, but mouths all over his wings. And when he talks, it's from his wings, and it echoes. His voice is wise but innocent, young but old, overwhelming but intimate. He uses a lot of body language in this form, mostly with his hands, and it's captivating; honestly when I watch him 'talk' it's like watching a manifested prayer or something. He is something else.
BUT! He hasn't needed to use his other "mode" in several months, I think; the only time I can concretely reference is the first Xanga session he had with Laurie and Sandman and I, shortly after his manifestation. In this mode, he is tricky, playful, clever, insightful, and conversational. But instead of an angelic aura, he feels impish. You respect him, but in a totally different way than you would in his "normal" state; in this form you respect the authority you feel from him. Is that the right word? It's like you KNOW he knows things, and has a great deal of power, and-- oh! That's what it is. In this form, he has the EDGE that the Tar kicks to extremes. It's the "creepy" side of the Black energy. His more angelic state is the "night sky" side of Black. Same stuff, different manifestation. See? But most notably, in that mode, he has no eye on his face, just a huge toothy grin, which he talks from-- no echo, and a vaguely mischievous vocal tone-- and his wings are now covered in eyes. RED eyes. That's important!! I'm thinking BOTH Infi and I have a mode-switch like this, thanks to holding the monochromatic slots, which would PROVE the long-running theory that monos NEED to anchor into the Red slot to function completely? It's tough to put into language, I wish I could just kythe all of this, haha. It's the natural language in headspace practically. Which is why fronting is so tricky, no one is used to speaking in literal words. We're too used to our odd brand of symbiosis to easily adjust to being "alone" for any short period of time.
Anyway I also... I want to say something odd but true, that I also forgot to write down. About Infinitii.
I... I adore him, I love him, with my entire heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him? It's odd. I look to him for comfort, for the protective shadow of his wings, for the silence of it. I look for the unspoken and wordless understanding between us, for the perfect silence, for the blessed lack of conversation because we don't need it. I cannot imagine chatting with him, or spending time with him as I would with Genesis. It would feel wrong.
And yet at night, I call out to him simply because I want to hold him when I sleep. I want to wrap my arms around this strange angelic thing, all feathers and inky blackness, and not do anything else. I just want his presence there, nothing more, nothing less. Simple.
But I'm not in love with him. I don't feel for him like everyone says I used to for Chaos. And that's... weird? I can't even fathom what it would be like to be "in love" like that. It's like... kind of like Proginoskes said, in A Wind In The Door. "Love isn’t how you feel. It’s what you do." Cherubim don't have feelings, after all; if love were a feeling, how could he possibly love anything like he did?
But there's nothing wrong with the other sort of love either, the "confusing kind." There's nothing wrong with it, even if I don't understand it anymore. I don't understand how at one point, I essentially wanted to marry that aqua-blue alien; I wanted to share my life and soul with him completely and totally, I wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, in this life and beyond. I wrote poetry about him, we spent hours together at night, we loved each other more deeply than I had thought possible to experience.
And yet now, I am completely happy with quietly loving Infi but not wanting any of that with him. I am completely content, blissfully so, with the distance, the silence, the lack of traditional "intimacy," because paradoxically, I don't feel any of it is needed. It feels excessive.
Maybe it's because that weird little black being was literally yanked out of my ribcage 8 months ago. Maybe I feel no need to prove the odd spiritual link between us because of that.
I think that's why it scares me, too, when Infi used to slip into the state of mind where he wasn't sure what his role was, what he needed to do. He used to start trying to act like Chaos, like Genesis, like... like Julie, sometimes. When she lied. But it would terrify me, and I would run. After so many times, we both decided it was for the best, and we stopped trying. We stopped attempting conversations and feigning dramatics. We stopped, and went back to silent communion, and that's all I think I need right now.
It's just... strange, after everything. I'm just as close to Infi as I was to Chaos, from what I've been told, in every respect. There is no discrepancy there. But I'm not in love with him, and I don't think I ever would, or could be. I don't see him as a partner or a lover or anything, and the thought itself feels wrong. I only see him as Infinitii, just what he is, someone that I know, and who I just happen to love more than I understand. And we're safe, completely safe, like this.
...I have no idea why I felt compelled to write any of that. Oh well, it's probably relevant if it just happened like that. Relevant stuff usually is.

Good night everyone, it's 2:54, I need to get to work before my boss gets worried (again). Much love.

thoughts.

Oct. 7th, 2013 12:14 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Just a jumble of random floating concerns today. There's a tornado watch so I don't want to get too invested in an update, just in case it stars raining sideways and I have to run down the cellar.

First off. I did manage to finish A Swiftly Tilting Planet yesterday-- as it turns out, the section I dreaded re-reading (the part when Charles is Within Brandon Maddox, in the witch-hunting times) was extremely short, and did not take up the majority of the book as I thought it did. After that ended it was easy. The book did hold several important points that rang just as true as they did originally-- most of what Gaudior said, actually-- but there was one part that jumped out at me louder than it ever had before.
Pages 197 through 200. Charles is Within Chuck Maddox when the boy suffers a traumatic brain injury, and loses his ability to stay rooted in physical reality. A voice calls to Charles then, from within the blackness of pain, and tells him that it's time to leave Chuck, he can do nothing now, come out. It claims it is a unicorn, there to help, there to aid him on his mission, speaking gently and kindly. "Time is of the essence... if Mad Dog Branzillo is to be prevented from starting a holocaust then you must not delay." "There's a terrible urgency about what you are about to accomplish... you were chosen because of your special gifts, and unusual intelligence... you are in control of what is going to happen."
And then Charles Wallace says no.
"It was trying to use my high I.Q. and trying to control things that got us into trouble in the first place. I don't know what I'm supposed to use, but it's not my intellect or strength... and I've never come out of Within on my own. It's always happened to me. I'm staying Within."
And with that, the Unicorn shrieked, flying away with a howl, an Echthroi in disguise.
That made me wonder. So much. Am I being misled? I believed that Echthroid-unicorn too, right up until Charles spoke. Am I that dangerously naive? How do I know when I'm being led astray? How can I trust my own judgment?

I have this nagging and upsetting thought that if I tell my therapist this, "I want to just let it all go and forget," her response will simply be "okay, do that." Which bothers me greatly.
I don't like unquestioned support or agreement. I've had that happen in a malicious manner too many times. Ideally, I would want her to respond by asking me what brought me to that decision. Why is that the one decision I landed on, as opposed to the other possibilities? And I would explain to her, how I feel all my past suffering is not only fake and stupid, but irrelevant, and how I can't stand feeling trapped by this "mental disability" that has haunted me for a decade, and how I just want the symptoms to stop, because they DON'T stop even when I do everything in my power to ignore them and let go of everything tied to them.
I don't want her to just agree with a decision of mine JUST because "I" made it. It might be a stupid, ignorant, uninformed decision. I would ideally want her to help me test that decision in ways I couldn't have thought of myself, to see whether or not it held up under such scrutiny. If it collapsed, then fine, let's fine a more beneficial, wiser option. If not, then let's start working towards it.
But don't, please don't ever agree with me without testing me first. I don't often trust myself to be right.


I've been weirdly dizzy these past few days, to the point where it sometimes feels like the house is sliding out from under me. My exercise schedule has been thrown off by that, too, plus the oddly pervading weakness I had last week. I really don't like this dizziness though. I can't see straight, it makes me feel sick. Everything is blurry and I keep dissociating because I can't get my eyes to focus clearly enough to look out a window without feeling like I'm looking into another dimension. I keep getting headaches and wanting to throw up, the room keeps spinning, something is wrong, I'm scared.

I got really sick two nights ago, I think. My brother was watching Attack on Titan, because he kept talking about it when I was trying to eat and that made me dissociate, so I lost about two hours of time. When I came back, I was nauseous and in a lot of pain, but I couldn't remember what I had eaten. I got so distressed over this that I guess I went to my room, because the next thing I remember (secondhand) is lying down on my bed, sobbing hysterically and repeating "I'm sorry, I don't want to be a worm, I don't want to be the whore of Babylon" over and over. I don't know how long that lasted and I have no idea what happened afterwards, because my memory doesn't pick up clearly again until last night, when I started reading Many Waters. I think? The locations are all impossibly off, I think I'm really remembering last weekend... but you see what I mean. My memory is in all these chopped-up little pieces and it's scary. I never know what's going on anymore. I try so hard to push through the day normally, but how can I fake normalcy when I don't know what "normal," or "healthy," is for me?

Weird intrusive thoughts keep happening. I don't know if they're just thoughts or people, because they fight with each other and they talk to me and they try to move my body. I end up talking to them without wanting to, just to get them to be quiet. Then I feel awful because "you're not supposed to acknowledge them," but then the angry zealot ones start condemning me for it, "suit yourself, choose the sinner's path by ignoring us," and get me on such a paranoid guilt-trip that I end up doing whatever they say even if it's begrudgingly, even if they snicker and laugh when I obey, even if things go badly for me and they roar with laughter and say it's "God's will." It's scary. This is worse than it was when I was younger and I didn't think it would ever come back.
Last night when I came home, I do remember that my grandmother's friend was visiting to talk, as he always does on Sundays (he's lonely and likes company). And for whatever reason, something in my head started hissing, "not that bastard again, I swear I'll kill him, get him out of my house." I was horrified, I asked why in the world they hated him? He did  nothing wrong! But the reply scared me, as it made sense, in a twisted way.
"He doesn't let us do anything." That was answer #1. Since that man sits in our kitchen to talk, and we were hungry but have severe problems with eating in front of other people, that voice concluded that he was in our kitchen specifically to bar us from eating or drinking anything. They saw it as a malicious act.
Answer #2 was worse. "Why do you want to kill him," I asked. The response I got wasn't verbal, it was emotional, psychological, physical. And it frightened me. Here was an old man, in our kitchen, and when I walked in he'd look at me. Just a look, "who's at the door," then go back to talking. But the voices interpreted that as a lecherous glance, or worse, an actively malevolent one. "He's going to abuse us!!" they screamed. "He KNOWS, he knows what a whore you are, he KNOWS you want him to hurt you, so he will if he ever gets the chance!!" And that is how they see him. As a permanent potential threat. Just like they see everybody else. "Kill them before they kill us." It's sick. It's so sick and they never shut up. I wish I could go out in public without being crushed by their fear, but it scares me too. I shouldn't be, but I'm more scared of the way I can't "see" people. I only ever see facades, acts, masks. If I walked up to a stranger and tried to speak with their soul, I would be stopped by an ego, or a defense construct. It's so hard to reach people. And that's what scares me. But they, the other people in my head, they hate those barriers. They hate the dark parts of people that lurk below the surface, the animalistic instincts and programmed drives, the shadows that everyone holds, that only surface in times of desperate survival, blinding rage, or maniacal fear. The voices in my head hail from those same places, but they hate themselves too, hate their cursed existences, and they hate everything that keeps them trapped there. It's so sad. It really is.

Yesterday evening was weird and worrisome. I walked into my room and looked at my workspace, again realized how it doesn't get much light from the windows, it's stuck in that dark corner. And it's been there for several months so I needed a change badly. So I took everything out of it, and rotated it, trying to find a better position. The problem? There's a space between the windows and the right wall, where there is a corner that shadows get stuck in. And no matter what I did, I couldn't escape that shadowy corner. Turn it one way, the desk blocks the windows and the corner shadows my workspace. Turn it again, now I'm stuck in the corner and there is no light on the desk. Again, and the workspace overshadows my bed, while I am once again in the corner. It was driving me nuts, I was frustrated to the point of tears. All I wanted was sunlight on my work desk, couldn't I get that? Why was that shadowy corner so loathsome to me? I turned the desk so that the right corner fit into the wall corner, and I had one window shining onto my work desk, BUT in doing so, it left a 30cm space between the desk and the wall, with the shadowy corner leading into that space.
I am dead serious, when I saw that I started weeping like a panicked child. That passageway by the dark corner terrified me, and I didn't know why. I tried to explain it to my grandmother and she told me to stop acting like a baby and just leave it there. But I couldn't, it was scaring me. I asked myself why, why are you so scared? And a voice replied, "the demons crawl up from those shadows." I got a fleeting mental image of a trapdoor leading into a basement, right in that shadowy corner, and awful devils emerging from it to enter my room. The fear was tangible, and I hurriedly shoved the desk back against the wall, but now my workspace no longer had light on it. I think I actually sat down and cried for a while, I know someone began screaming "just burn all my work, I don't deserve this, I'm doing nothing but hurting everyone else." For a time I was convinced that, since my workdesk was always in the way of the windows, I was "stealing everyone else's light" for selfish purposes, like some evil creature. Putting my desk in front of the windows was doing nothing but preventing others from receiving holy light, while I sucked it up like a thief, and that dark corner poured evil into the room. I was distraught, really, it's scary to look back on.

But you see that one train of thought return: "I'm inherently evil, every action I take is causing intentional harm to good living beings." So I'm paranoid. I'm afraid to even get dressed in the morning because "what if these colors together will radiate bad energy from me to people??" I refuse to wear pink and black together, some blues are dangerous, I won't touch most yellows. "It's bad, it will make you sick, it will make other people sick, it will make THEM louder." And I'm so scared that I just wait for the voices to tell me what to wear, and then I wear it. I still can't shake the feeling that I'm a demon that incarnated, some awful loathsome thing, and this life is a struggle for me to try and overcome my own fallen nature, greater than that of any human. I KNOW and accept the doctrine that God's love is unconditional, even for me, "whether or not I deserve it." But then I think about what I've heard about that. Yes, God loves me as His creation, but didn't He place me here, then? Isn't my evil state HIS plan, His will? Wouldn't that make the angry zealot voices in my head 100% right, in saying that it is God's will that I suffer because I'm meant to suffer? That I'm NOT supposed to get out of this? I guess I could deal with that if it were for a greater purpose, but... see, there's a bit of a problem with that mindset I think.
Remember my old 2008 belief of being a "waste-lock," a canister for all the awful sin in the world, the fervent belief that I was the sole most evil person on the planet SOLELY because I HELD all the evil in other people? And if I died, I would take the evil with me, and everyone else could live in peace? But I couldn't kill myself or it would let the evil OUT and infect the world? Which is why I kept begging other people to kill me for a while. Always too scared to commit suicide because "that would be the single most horrible act you could do to the world, you'd be hurting other people even in your death, you bastard." Convinced that I was the focal point of every nightmare, every sin, every iota of corruption. And the sick part is that some days I really hoped that was true, I REALLY wanted it to be true... if all that evil was in me, then everyone else was safe. EVERYONE else could be happy. Once I died they would all be free.

I thought about that a lot as a kid. "If I had to resign myself to oblivion, in order to save everyone else, could I do it?" It was the thought that I would have to relinquish not only my salvation, but my existence, in order for all of humanity to be freed from their suffering and brought, joyfully and forgiven, to God. I don't know why I thought I had to be some sort of scapegoat for existence, but it haunted me almost constantly. And I chose yes, you know. I decided, many many years ago, that if I had to choose between MY going to heaven and everyone else, ever, going to heaven... then I'd be the only person in hell, forever. I'd sacrifice that much.

That's what scares me about this "mental disorder," did you know? Because, everyone talks to me like "one day you're going to get better!" "one day you're going to be just like you once were!" and they don't realize what that means. "Get better" meaning... what? That I'll suddenly become whoever I was at age 7 again? I don't know who that was! But it feels like no one wants ME to get better. They want me to just go away, forever, and die, so they can have their mouthy 7-year-old daughter with the bad temper and selfish attitude back. She's long gone, I don't know how to tell you that, she's been gone for a very, very long time. But no one wants me to live. No one wants us, we're the "problem."
People smile at me and say "one day you'll be the person we remember." Whoever that was. And that's the point! They want ONE person to survive, the one person they decided they liked, and everyone else will DIE.
It feels like that childhood sacrifice, brought to terrible reality at long last. "You have to die, FOREVER, and forfeit all chance of happiness or salvation, so that this ONE person can come back to life and make other people happy." That's the sentence we get, every time someone else talks about our "recovery."
And the horrible thing is, I'm depressed enough to just say "okay, then let me die, I don't care anymore"... but... there are some days when I'm not. There are some days when a LOT of us are not. Sometimes I'll just sit outside and think, "the trees are really pretty today," or I'll hear Laurie or Knife talking about how cool it is to be able to walk, or hear music, or smell flowers, or look at Christmas lights. Sometimes I'll see one of the little kids out, hugging a teddy bear, or reading a book, totally happy for a second. Sometimes I'll feel like, maybe this isn't so bad, maybe we can all be happy one day, wouldn't that be amazing? Maybe all the pain we were born from can just go away, and we can all live together. Wouldn't that be nice.
And then someone says "I hope all your voices go away and you're back to normal" and it feels like an arrow to the heart.
"Normal" for them means shopping and movies and games and loud laughing. But we're not like that, we're quiet and gentle, why do people act like there's something "wrong" with us even when we're trying to be happy?
"I want you to be normal," they say, and it sounds like, "it doesn't matter whether or not you're happy." Our happiness doesn't matter. As long as everyone else is "happy." That's what matters, right?
"Would you die, to resurrect a child who is long dead," they seem to ask. "Would you integrate, and abandon any chance of life and happiness you may have, to make everyone else happy?"
Would I? Should I?
I don't know.


I'm feeling so sick. The nausea and dizziness are overwhelming, I want to vomit. I'm sorry, I have to go.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, I've decided something.
I want to integrate. Or, even better, I want everyone else to just not have anything to do with me anymore, without having to kill them or absorb them like some sort of cannibalistic parasite.

In any case, I've realized that I have NO TROUBLES when I am out of headspace, or when nothing forces me to go back there. None!
The entire month of August was brilliant because nobody was around. I had no hacks, it was great. As soon as people started showing up again, boom, here comes the triggers and hypervigilance. I'm tired of that, really.

So yes. I'm going to tell the therapist this if I can. Let's just stop this facade, this game that has no more purpose. You ever wonder why we don't have access to the trauma memories anymore? Because we're not tied to that timeline anymore! However, headspace was created BECAUSE OF IT. So why in the world would I go back there, if it only exists because of trauma? I see no good reason why.

I don't know what happened to Jay, you know, the one with white hair who manned the system from 2011-2013 (the scratch). He's long gone I think. His "family" is gone too, as are all the Upstairs people he worked with, except for Laurie, which is why I stay away from her.
I want all the Undergrounders gone though. All of them. They are all rooted quite firmly in abuse, and that is no longer needed. So they need to be the first to go.

As I said, I will bring this up on Tuesday, before they even start trying to talk about trauma, which is silly because that doesn't happen anymore. Hopefully we can stop going to see the therapist then. Why in the world do we need a therapist, when there is nothing wrong? We're just deluding ourselves into thinking we have a "problem" when OUR mindset is the "problem!"

Bottom line, I want to be alone. Let headspace go away entirely, and let the body just live without freaking out all the time. And let the League work start again, without being tainted by Julie and her ilk. That's not right. This entire headspace situation just fucked up the body's purpose big time. When the body was a child, it worked without fear, without identity. As soon as the hacks started, the work was put on pause. That was practically 11 YEARS AGO!! It's about time we turned our back on this stupid "trauma" nonsense, that WE perpetuated; leave it all in the dust and just pick up where we left off. Seriously.

Also, you probably don't know this as other people don't care, but we technically still don't have internet access. "Well how are you using it now," you say. Easy. We drag the work laptop into the living room and plug it into the router, where we have nowhere to sit and doing so is painful. But isn't that stupid! We're using the WORK COMPUTER to go on the freaking INTERNET and do stupid HEADSPACE stuff!! This is the very definition of corruption!! What idiot decided to do this!! You are bogging down our computer for CREATIVITY with stupid DRAMA. STOP.

Uh-oh, we're losing sight, falling into bad things. Forget about it. DON'T use the word "we" or "us." Don't give them any attention.
So let's stop forcing ourselves to use the internet. Delete everything off this computer that isn't work.
Delete everything in the mind that isn't work, too. Get rid of all the memories that are old and irrelevant now.

Integration, deletion, or oblivion. Those are the only options headspace has left.

I will not update here anymore. This is over.



spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Yeesh, yesterday's entry was a bit of a mess! Let me look through it briefly and put together a coherent list of responses for my therapist on Tuesday (she had to cancel today; I trusted in that and it's kind of good that she did; it gives us more time to process that heavy stuff).
I'm not going to edit it either, although I don't approve of all the triggering and negative thinking, because there's probably useful information in there anyway, at least as far as therapy is concerned. If we can't just drop this all at once yet, then we'll work through it bit by bit. But I'm thinking of a line I just read in A Swiftly Tilting Planet:
"I have shed my tears for the past. Today is for mirth. Why have you dragged me through tears again?"
"So that you may leave them behind you."
Let's do that. Let's just leave it all behind, may this be the last time we ever have to deal with it again.

Answers only; questions are in the previous post and don't need to be re-typed.
(I MAY add some if I remember any on my own that are legitimate and weren't mentioned.)
(A note: all "triggers" can vary in severity, frequency, types of reactions, and number of people affected. This is not a system-absolute list.)

1. Worst triggers (that don't apply to other sections): Touches, food (even the mention of or possibility of either),  all suggestive or sexual content, certain words/phrases that are perceived as threatening or sexual, being referred to or seen as a biological female, sharp knives (esp. x-actos), masking tape (rarely)

2. Sounds: Sudden loud noises of any sort // Loud voices, esp. when yelling // Sustained loud background noise, esp. things like heavy-duty air conditioning // Whispers // Wet sounds of ANY sort // Non-verbal vocal sounds (chewing, grunts, smacking, breathing) // Any vocal sound related to pain that isn't outright screaming or crying (moaning, shouting, weird exclamations, etc.) // When people hiss their "s" letters or talk in a prissy manner (like the mother) // Girly and/or sultry female voices // Repetitive chants or prayers // Steady, constant rhythms // Marching bands and carnival music

3. Smells: Anything fishy // Nail polish // Perfume and hairspray // Women in general, esp. the mother and grandmother // Bathrooms // Sugar // Cigarette smoke // "Fairground" smells, esp. the food

4. Touch: Potentially anything and everything; worst non-sexual places are torso, legs, and face // Any and all sexual touches are traumatic // Sudden, light touches (being bumped into, brushed past, tapped on shoulder, hand on back, etc.) // Sustained but not deep touch, i.e. when people "don't let go," esp. if holding shoulders, or leaving a hand on any part of my body ('painful' touch of this sort (heavy pressure) is acceptable) // Certain textures of clothing, esp. long sleeves, long pants, & tight shirts // My own hair, when unkempt // Being touched  in any fashion when trying to sleep or rest // The sensation of fullness after eating // Swallowing anything // Being close to people with "loud" auras (esp. the grandmother, who radiates anger and sorrow and pain) //

5. Taste: Chocolate, but only thanks to association with sexual abuse (lust and gluttony are inherently tied to us). Food (consuming) in general is a major trigger, regardless of what kind. We are affected by the very act and thought of eating, not by the flavor of the food.

6. Images: Anything and everything sexual, suggestive, risque, etc. including "socially acceptable" ones like store mannequins wearing swimsuits // Self-injury // Blood // Violence of any sort

7. Acting 'abnormally': assuming everyone wants sexual favors from me: i.e. being unable to understand personal relationships as anything but obligatorily sexual; may often overlap with two secondary functions of cold business, or mindless entertainment for the sake of "survival"  // Avoiding and often hating everyone who I see as a "threat" in this sense, esp. people who "like me." This is dramatic, sudden, and total // Reacting "like a child" when yelled at, thanks to children being triggered // Related, sudden and dramatic shifts in mood when interacting with people, often followed by severe fatigue and memory loss (now explained by quick successive fronting). This has been called out several times.

8. What triggers remind you of: Sexual abuse, although the actual incidents have been all but totally erased from accessible memory. Childhood punishment and psychological/ spiritual damage may also be triggered, but this is rare.



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