Nov. 17th, 2013

nov 17

Nov. 17th, 2013 09:28 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Hey kids, this is Jay, updating entirely by myself for once. As for why… well, I don't know if it counts as meditation in any traditional sense, but I just spent close to three solid hours in headspace with Infinitii and CZ, and I feel so completely surrounded and embraced by love that I could cry from the incredible bliss of it.
It's been months since we were able to do anything even vaguely like this... sure, we tried back on the 8th, but since I was still frozen emotionally it didn't get very far. So having something like this happen barely 10 days later is just incredible. That's massive progress and recovery both. It's a lot of hope for me.

I'm going to write this stream-of-consciousness style, because refinement is tiring and I need to get this down as quickly as possible. Also, just anote: even when it's beautiful, headspace is naturally really weird, thanks to it being 50% subconscious, so to speak... and because so much of my normal headspace experience involves heavy-duty healing, thanks to my role up here. So if any social fronters want to delete or censor this because "that's too bizarre and I don't want it publicized," remember, it wasn't your experience, so you have no authority to edit it. Thank you.


- I was with infi for an hour this morning, starting at 3am, as I couldn't sleep. (i was in my stained-glass form at the time as well). it was really beautiful; we were in a basilica-like place again, just talking. it struck me how they always look like the national shrine; that place had a big impact on headspace). we walked up to the baldachin altar (like this but without the trees, and no actual altar on it; just the steps up to a circle platform), infi sat down on it, looking thoughtful, then just looked up at me and motioned for me to move closer. when I did, he just reached out and simply said, "make love to me." taken aback but nevertheless moved, I stepped closer, then uncertainly asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that? he caught my hesitation and sternly clarified, "I didn't say have sex with me." that was like a lightbulb went off in my head, of course he didn't, but I didn't realize I had been assuming so much about his motives too. again, infi knows I tend to think in black-and-white, so he quickly added, "but don't assume that's what other people mean when they say that," before clarifying that I never had to worry about him having that sort of motivation.
so… we did? but mind you, being with infi is absolutely insane, because it is literally the same sort of total openness and passionate emotions and other close things that most people associate (or maybe only get) with sex, except there's none of that in it. so I don't dissociate either, which is awesome, because I usually look in the wrong places for that sort of intense intimacy and end up walking straight into more trauma. anyway that took a solid hour, I remember I was literally seeing stars when we connected, rainbow loops too, not the first time that has happened. I realized how much love I was feeling and asked infi if maybe we should get chaos involved in this. he said yes, but only if he was willing, and only if it would be mutual between all three of us. so he asked, did chaos love him at all? I said probably, I know he cared about him, and besides the three of us had spent a very significant morning together back in april or so. but infi reached up to touch my face and quietly repeated, "but does he love me?" and again, the significance of that caught me off guard. I realized that I didn't give infi the credit he deserved with this-- yes, he was literally willing to do anything with anyone who asked, but I hadn't realized that he had one unflinching criterion even then, and that was that they had to be willing to love him the way he was forever willing to love them. so I responded that I wasn't sure if cz loved infi like that, I didn't feel they knew each other well enough yet, but knowing cz, I was positive that there was the potential for it. infi nodded and said then let's bring him into this too. I managed to fall asleep not long after that, thank heavens, it was already after 4 by that time.

- I didn't get to tell laurie about that event until about noon today, but she was really moved by it, unsurprisingly. she said that infi and I were something else, similar to what cz and I were like together "but not exactly the same." then she asked, as always, if I remembered him yet? was I willing to give that a shot? I said no and yes, respectively; some part of me was scared, but I couldn't deny the truth I did feel, and so I was going to follow that. I then told her that infi and I already planned to bring him into things, and I jokingly asked if that was the sort of thing she'd be interested in watching. she laughed and said no, "you keep infi far away from me when he's with you two like that." I asked why, she said it was because she knew how intensely infi effervesced, and on top of cz and I, she didn't think she could handle that sort of emotional gravity. I asked if she was scared of it? she said not entirely. she wasn't afraid of what that would feel like, she was more scared of what it meant for her to open up like that. she said to remember what her job was. for years, being the voice of chastity and therefore julie's absolute opposite, she was the sole force standing between me and all those painful things. she had to be tough as nails, strong and unflinching, completely impervious to anything that would weaken her in the slightest. so she refused to feel barely any emotions other than anger for years, as they would be chinks in her armor… and if anything got through to her, our sole protector, then everyone else was done for. I realized with a sort of heartwrenching shock what this meant: for most of laurie's entire life, she COULDN'T be vulnerable in any sense, because it would kill her. it was literally lethal for her to open her heart, because then the things she was fighting would tear her to shreds. I quietly quoted a ring of endless light then, saying "if we aren't capable of being hurt, then we aren't capable of feeling joy." immediately she responded, just as quietly, "to love at all is to be vulnerable." and I loved her so much in that moment, because I realized that she wasn't entirely safe yet, and yet she was willing to risk her own life for the sake of finally being open enough to be hurt, to be vulnerable, because she had more love that I could even fathom, for not only me but also the entire System. so I just put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder, trying not to cry, but not saying anything. I loved her too much to speak in that moment. she put an arm around my shoulders in response, and tilted her head so it rested against mine, and I knew that she understood that.

- then at 6pm today, I was with infi again, red christmas lights everywhere at his behest (I still have this oddly deep resonance with red light, and the holidays are a great justification for surrounding myself in them). we were working with clearing hurt/ corrupted energy again; there are still some roots we're trying to remove, and in light of last night's sudden bizarre update in the archive (which I didn't read until today), we decided it would be a good idea to try and focus on those positive points, for the sake of emphasizing them instead of the lingering trauma memories.
I can't tell you much detail about that; I didn't dissociate, but since infi doesn't work with conscious awareness it is very hard to get clear, describable memories out of time spend with him. it's more of knowing, and intuition, than it is something concrete. similarly, the actual experiences are equally hard to stay rooted in, so we were constantly reminding each other not to slip, hold everything in your heart, etc. and of course, infi's insistence at always being in a church during healing attempts helps; not only is it holy and grounding, but hackers cannot get in, ahaha! we should use churches for things more often then.)
as for the actual energy analysis/clearing stuff, we ended up getting super clarity on an old truth: energy is just energy. perspective is everything; motives color things. ALSO, apparently the body/soul is incapable of feeling otherwise?? like to use the old trauma for an example, even though julie was trying to horrendously corrupt the Spectrum's pink energy (which holds affection and innocence), and so our original experiences with it hurt and were downright terrifying, that scary stuff was put there by her. it was not natural. and my heart knew, even during all that, that what she was doing wasn't true, it wasn't the truth at all.
also, infi and I realized we can do so much stuff purely upstairs, without any physical accompaniment, that was awesome. I lost my ability to see/ hear/ feel/ etc. things upstairs for a while, but now that it's coming back, I don't have to try and "imitate" stuff in the physical anymore (like I'd have to mouth my words, repeat all my body language, etc. in order for it to really register).
(I still have that red lotus mark on my abdomen btw, it's an energy bypass that infi put there back when I was consciously locking up everything out of fear, thus making healing impossible. it's not needed now, but still it seems only infi is able to use it. that's fine by me!)
notably, all my internal white energy was iridescent today (its natural color), I don't think it's been like that in months. so we went farther than usual with how deep we wanted to heal, because there wasn't a plague risk tonight, and so we could use that conscious creative energy without risk of accidentally making more trouble. oddly infi insisted on eating handfuls of it again. I'm not complaining-- there is something aesthetically fascinating about watching him do that-- but I curiously asked why he felt that was necessary? he didn't need to neutralize it, did he? infi said no, it was because eating pure white energy would help "balance out" any potentially plagued white energy still in him, that he couldn't neutralize normally, due to the original context of it getting in him in the first place (that fact is worrisome, as he did almost die from having plague stuck in him unknowingly before, and no one wants that to happen again). infi then repeated the "you are what you eat" thing my boss told him, said in any case he would rather eat positive and benevolent energy than corrupted stuff, which was his usual diet, so to speak. to reiterate, infi is literally the only thing in all of headspace that can actively turn corrupted energy back to its neutral state, but he has to eat it first, so he tends to go around swallowing all of it for the System's benefit, and that can get him horrendously ill if he isn't careful.
however white energy was only what I held internally, that got damaged by trauma-- the actual pain was stuck in the pink energy, but we had managed to clear that out so much over the past few months that we didn't have to touch it anymore. instead, we were checking out red energy today, the stuff both infi and I held as a ground, to make sure it wasn't also corrupted in some way (the red energy is strongly tied to blood and pain on some level). but when we found some and checked it out intuitively, it was astonishingly pure? there was no old "2008" anger or suffering tied to it whatsoever; instead, it was warm and loving, the exact same vibe I used to feel in it back when only I held the color, and the same vibe infi and I still use it for. so that was a welcome surprise. but then, infi and I wondered-- if this red energy was still so strongly tied to that "grounded and secure" feeling, and nothing negative as we feared, was that same safeness tied to javier as well? I was surprised at the implications, that would mean he was just as strongly able to love as I was when in that slot, and I wouldn't have readily associated that with him. infi said I shouldn't judge, or assume less of him, after all I didn't know him at all yet. to emphasize, he brought up the 7th, said it had surprised even him that javier had not only fought off two hacks without any slippage, but when infi had asked him to channel b/w energy in order to clear that out, he had easily and readily focused it all to his heart center, like it was the most natural thing in the world. and that was with INFI, someone who even laurie struggles to handle in terms of his emotional impact! so yeah, we were definitely underestimating javier. but that's really exciting, to realize just how beautiful an individual he most likely is at heart, and yet since he's so humble and casual about everything, we had completely overlooked that side of him… especially since his chosen anchor has always been "I want to ensure the safety and protection of everyone in this system, as I care deeply for them and want them to be taken care of." that's compassionate red energy in a nutshell!
so all that healing stuff went really well, which was awesome, but then of course infi decided hey, you're doing well for once, think you can pull off a heart connection like you used to? part of me was anxious: the thought of feeling that much emotion on such a powerfully intimate level was scaring some deep and hurt part of me. but I realized that that reaction was actually a great pointer to something I had to fix, and I told infi this. he was baffled by the fear reaction, asked when in the world did that start? I paused, tuning into it, then said it was when julie started specifically trying to imitate heart connections (a brazenly irreverent act) for the sole purpose of making me terrified of those too. and sadly it worked; for months I have been scared of them because they temporarily became linked to the trauma memories, and really I think that's what drove cz and I apart initially. infi got a really angry look as I explained this, and essentially said "then we need to prove her wrong." I knew he was right, and I knew that too, so I quietly told myself there was nothing to be afraid of, and tried to be as emotionally open as I possibly could despite it. well, in a very short time I didn't have to try anymore because infi's emotional field literally destroys every emotional wall it encounters, so about 60 seconds later I was already sobbing. thank god for this guy, seriously.
…the moment when we connected (yes, I managed to do that!) was beautiful, I don't know how much to publicize because those feel so damn sacred. infi wrapped himself around me like he always does, I think he kissed me too (I know he did at some point, completely unexpected as that is very rare for him)… but the single instant I clearly remember is when he pressed his chest so close to mine, I SWEAR I could almost feel his heartbeat in the physical. but upstairs I could practically see it, dear god it was gorgeous to the point of sanctity almost. since we were both in such high-energy forms, our hearts were not red, they were complimentary-- his was bright white like starlight, and mine was deep black like space. but we were so close, I couldn't tell us apart, I think I would have died from how that felt if the connection didn’t knock me off my feet first!
however… the strongest memory I have of all this was after we were done with the whole connection process, and were just kneeling in silence there on the altar dais together, facing each other. I noticed those odd external silver "ribs" infi has now, thought they were really lovely, unthinkingly reached out to touch them. I caught myself and stopped, but not before infi responded by simply crossing his arms over his head, essentially opening up completely to me. I swear I nearly burst into tears, it was such a simple and sincere act of trust and openness. I told him that, but he just looked at me in this completely inexpressible way and said, was there really any other thing he could have done? and I knew that he meant that not as an obligation, but as a natural loving choice. so in reply I carefully reached out and ran my fingers along those delicate silver bones, feeling both them and his shadowy substance beneath, so close to his heart, and I swear to you I loved him so much in that moment.

- 7pm, we both agreed we needed to get chaos in. so we went to the top-tier roof of Central for that (which actually has a bed with a "baldachin" canopy, like that altar we were just at (similar to this but much taller, longer, and less frilly), I didn't even realize that similarity until now).
cz had absolutely no problem with infi being there, which was awesome. infi brought up the love thing and cz looked very thoughtful at that; said he definitely could, he was naturally a little too loving for his own good the way it was. but infi said that wasn't why we called him in; on the contrary, he explained the healing he and I had just accomplished, and said that since now we had finally managed to break past that massive heart block I'd been suffocating under for months, he felt I needed to try and remember cz now. no ifs ands or buts, and no more postponing it out of fear. infi said it needed to happen now, while everything was in tune, as he strongly felt it was the right time. honestly I've been trying to find a date to devote to that effort, but infi was right; I kept putting it off. so again, I pushed away the instinctive but ungrounded fear, and said that if cz was up for it, then so was i. unsurprisingly, cz immediately melted into total emotional vehemence, said yes, please, he missed me too damn much to wait any longer to fix this either. I paused for a moment, still feeling the mental and emotional blocks against him, but despite that there was also still that knowing that he was important. so I held on to that, and felt the tiniest spark of hope light me up. in response, all I did was hold out my arms to him, the most honest action I'd taken around him in god knows how long. and immediately cz embraced me with more ardor than even I expected from him.
you'll have to forgive me if this is vague; I was switching back and forth between the waking and headspace during this, never losing the link but nevertheless staving off dissociation and the instinct to shut down and sleep. I knew I couldn't surrender to that, it would help no one.
so I tried, extremely hard, to focus. the reason I kept switching to the physical is because I was trying to get out all the artwork and grounding objects for cz that I still had (we almost lost them in the reset; someone was literally trying to erase him from headspace), and giving both them and him every bit of my attention, trying to breach the divide and really remember. but I kept hitting a different wall than I expected-- I was feeling a different energy from him than he had given off in the past. it was obviously still him, but it was much more complex now. remembering a past discussion we had in the past concerning rio and markus-- how outspacers have to anchor into their dreamselves in order to function properly in headspace, and in the process gain a Spectrum color-- as well as this infamously important post laurie wrote up one evening, I realized that cz STILL hadn't figured out his dreamself, OR his actual Spectrum color, even after 10 YEARS. so I asked him about that, maybe that was part of why we were slipping too; after all even I had to switch colors, maybe until he did too, we would still keep hitting difficulties as he wasn't being totally honest and allowing himself to change? cz replied he wasn't sure what color he was supposed to hold, blue or teal? I pointed out he was originally cyan, while rio was straight-up blue; since outspacers were also midslot holders, he had always been positioned between green and blue anyway, so the new teal lineup was probably his best bet. but cz looked down, a little abashedly, and said he was hesitant to move fully into teal because he knew how important his "green eyes" were to me by now, he didn't want to lose that significance all of a sudden. I genuinely smiled at that, the fact that he considered that so important, and spontaneously started quietly singing "whoever you are I love you" by kim jensen: "sometimes your eyes look blue to me, although I know they're really green…" cz caught the old reference immediately, started laughing from relief and gratitude, but the next thing he asked was "do you remember??" I could feel how badly he missed me, but I couldn't give him a definite answer either way yet.
really, I tried so hard to remember him, but no matter what I reminded myself of, nothing was clicking. by this point chaos was practically trying to melt into me, I swear he's worse than infi sometimes (being mostly liquid will do that)-- but even then I still felt like I didn't quite know who he was. he kept bringing up facts from the past, but nothing was registering. then suddenly, cz tearfully said "we had a daughter together," and i swear it was like everything fell back into place. go figure. with him that close, with that heart-energy reaction we have, and then that reality suddenly registering, july 7th slammed into me like a tidal wave. and I knew, without a doubt, that there was something real there. I started laughing from the strange and sudden joy of it, kissing him in response, and the walls went down for good.
possible tmi here, a few minutes later chaos was tearfully talking about having another kid, I couldn't form a solid opinion either way-- I didn't want another kid, nor did I want to puzzle over translating the process again, but I couldn't deny that I was still infatuated with the whole idea of creating stuff-- but then I got this really loud voice in the back of my head saying "stop, don't do it!" I paused immediately, told cz to wait up, he did. I asked the voice what it meant, were we doing something bad? it just said, don't do anything with reproductive energy at all, that wasn't the right stuff to use. I knew that, and so did cz, so I said so. but the voice was very strict, it said don't even tamper with it in curiosity. I agreed, so I told chaos this, he nodded and said that was perfectly fine, apologized if he had been jumping into things. I said he just let himself get carried away and as long as we caught it then we were okay.
ultimately we were together for an hour, as usual; he did manage to get me to heart-connect with him too, but I was already so burnt out from all this emotional intensity that I unfortunately am having a hard time remembering everything around that (it was all a blur). I remember the energetic component of it but nothing concrete, as I said would likely happen. cz was a little worried about this, but I assured him I didn't dissociate or check out-- which had been happening frequently around him-- so even if I was tired, everything was as genuine as I could possibly be.
after all that cz was talking to infi (who had respectfully kept to himself during all that) about colors again: if he didn't fit teal, could he use black energy? infi said maybe, if it fit him; he might be able to hold a sub-slot. so chaos was trying to shift his color right then to see, but couldn't quite do it. still he said he was fond of the color's significance, and so he eventually settled on a sort of mix between black wisps and crystal-bright aqua; the effect looks vaguely like ink in water, but with stars if that makes sense? it's really beautiful though. and of course he let his eyes move to that same color now, instead of the bright green. it's no less powerful of an effect; in a way, there's a new sort of lucidity to it now that is even more honest than it ever was before. I can't help but wonder if that's because I once heard of the "higher heart chakra" being an aqua color like that; chaos has always struck me as being that sort of person, in the sense of reflecting those qualities.

- I just want to add here that it's amazing; now I remember EVERYTHING. just a few hours ago, old drawings and words meant nothing, they were confusing jumbles from some other time. but now my heart practically sings with remembrance, and the old light is back in every little thing. I knew there was something 'off' with him gone, especially since there was so much love and light surrounding us in the past; it didn't feel right for us to suddenly be torn apart after 10 years. so I am very thankful for this.

- around 8pm, we didn't want to leave yet, so we put on the ipod and started to listen to music together (light on the land by nujabes), but around 8:10 someone called me into midspace so I had to excuse myself. when I got there, I saw it was that trio of 'logic' alters that first solidly evidenced here. peach girl sitting at circle table in back, chin in hands and smiling, light violet one calmly standing against the wall to my left. but as soon as I showed up there, the dark greenish blue dude stormed up to me from the table and said "you shouldn't have done that," in reference to the connections. I realized HE was the voice I had heard earlier, so i clarified that I had listened, we didn't do anything malicious or detrimental, why was he still saying we "shouldn't have done that?" he said i was giving out way too much of my "lifeblood" in too short a time-- three connections in less than 24 hours will burn you out no matter how beautiful it is-- and besides, wasn't i practically toying with corruption here? i knew he was referring to the more sexually-oriented energy, so I said no, we were specifically fixing it, it has never been this purified before, but i knew he had no way of knowing that on his own so i just assured him it was true. he still didn't believe me, said we could not treat that lightly, I emphasized that we weren't. and no energy was being corrupted or misused, if there was any risk or slippage, infi could always eat the energy and convert it back to neutral. the green guy made a sort of discomfited face at this, I quickly apologized "if that was too much information," I was just trying to make sure things were clear. he cleared his throat and said no, it was fine, he just wasn't used to discussing this. but he still wanted to understand it, that was his job, and he wanted to make sure we weren't being careless either, especially since there was "such a huge risk" in the healing process. around here, to make my point a little better, i took out a sphere of white energy to show him (from my abdomen like where infi used to hold his) that it wasn't corrupt anymore; he actually backed up a step or two, looked anxious, but not scared. i said it wasn't going to hurt him, it wasn't plagued at all-- in fact it was actually iridescent and glowing. I tried to explain the "energy is neutral" thing, said that julie was trying to corrupt something inherently incorruptible-- what she did was warp perspective, and misuse this. green guy said how could I be sure that wasn't happening now? grabbed at my shirt, pulled off a spidery-black shape of what looked like tar, but I took it out of his hand and it was solid: then shook it once so it fell, like on a string, it was a big glittery black snowflake. I then said "black isn't bad, white isn't bad," explaining that it all depended on the user and their motivations, dissolving the snowflake into glitter, and putting the white energy back into me the same way. green guy was still pacing, trying to find holes in my argument, again asked how I could tell the energy wasn't corrupted. I said it felt different-- when julie misused it, it felt "corrupted and corroded," really it's sharp and painful like broken glass. but that was forced, I repeated: the energy itself was not "turned evil" by her.
I forget exactly how much we said, but it did take a bit to make my point. the purple girl was trying to defend my position, green guy just seemed shaken, in the sense that he didn't know what was actually going on and that upset him deeply… especially since he knew how huge of a battleground this healing thing was, and he didn't want to unknowingly let me do something harmful to the system. ultimately though he seemed to understand my point, and apologized, said he initially didn't have the complete data to make a correct judgment, and thanked me for explaining. still advised me to be extremely careful though, I said I would be.
green guy also said he was confused as to his actual color; that "navy singer" voice "didn't truly exist" according to data, she's never shown an actual identity, she might just be a concept. but he wanted me to "prove" which it was, so he knew what color to move into.
the two females were grayish-lavender (the more grounded one) peachy-orange (the more upbeat one). names are similar to= george (starts with g; but he keeps strongly insisting "george" is not his actual name), and isabel? (not "belle," that felt wrong). the peach girl's name is confirmed to be kalisha; the jade guy called her name at one point and I heard it clearly, asked if that was right and she said yes. they're all downstairs-level people, shockingly they have varied colors but all deal with body management?? like they are tied to daily life concerns, as they're not fazed by trauma (that's why they hold all those weird "mundane" memories about it; their job is to make sure we don't end up in those situations again). I remember at some point I pointed this out, surprised, and they emphasized that they were only "guidance" people on that front-- the brown voices, like spine and jayce, still dealt with the actual body and its direct experience. they didn't, they could only offer advice, and didn't experience anything actually. none of them have ever fronted and honestly I seriously doubt it's their job to, they might be purely inner people. they did confirm they are "midspacers," they said most people on that level have internal jobs like theirs, and aren't traumatized in any way.

- as I was about to leave them, "doctor wu" came on the ipod (an absolute classic) and i "felt" that someone was channeling the music, so instead I followed that and ended up in raw headspace, javier was playing the piano part, hyakin and sergei were lip-syncing the vocals and cracking up over it. (not surprised that it was them; they're middles too, and when I warped to them it literally felt like I just moved horizontally instead of up or down). I joined in the singing at one point, for fun. then jokingly asked javier when he learned to play piano, he shrugged and said he just let headspace tell him how to, mostly he just wanted to "let the music move through him." I said I definitely could empathize with that. I noticed sergei was smoking some new thing this time, I asked what, sergei said to guess and handed it to me. I was having a hard time tuning into my senses though, and apologized, sergei said not to worry about it, instead blew a huge cloud of the smoke at me. there was an obvious and odd marshmallow bit to it, he said that was correct, but I couldn't get anything else. sergei smirked and said it was also "peppermint" but it wasn't minty so I got confused? however it then hit me that he meant pepper plus mint, the mint was just a faint menthol-like edge, but the peppery scent (almost like sharp cinnamon?) was pronounced. so that was cool. hyakin was just laughing at us over this, sergei blowing huge smoke clouds in my face, that was great.

- "opening titles" by the cinematic orchestra came up next, so I quickly left to go back to headspace, well cz and infi were all over each other, hurriedly broke it up when I showed up, I cracked up and asked "am I interrupting something." they both laughed too, said not necessarily, infi seemed to think the whole situation was hilarious. any way I figured it would be nice for us to just continue to hang out together, so we went into my room then (downstairs), to just meditate and listen to more music, but now we were wondering where we should go upstairs to listen to this (we didnt want to stay on the roof)? i said that i wanted to "go wherever the music took us," but wasn't sure where we'd end up. cz and infi said that didn't matter, let's do it. so i just fell into that beautiful song, and we all ended up on a moonlit beach somewhere, the sky was all stars and galaxy arms. cz immediately smiled and voiced his approval at the scenery, but infi stood up kind of shocked and unsteadily, his eyes wide, and started shifting his footing like he didn't know how to stand. cz noticed his awe too and asked "you've never seen sand before?" infi said "no!" and sat back down in it, reaching down and grabbing two hands full, letting it run through his fingers. he started digging through the sand, said "there's so much of it," and he couldn't get over the fact that it looked so insubstantial and yet could hold our weight. then he commented that it was made of "so many tiny pieces," i told him those little particles were actually tiny bits of glass, which amazed him even more. really he was absolutely fascinated by the sand! i also remember commenting that, for most humans, if they wanted to refer to a visual of something that felt infinite, they often referred to the "stars in the sky" or the "grains of sand on the beach," because there were probably trillions. that really moved him, he looked up at the sky then, I had to smile at how enthralled he was. then I looked and saw cz staring out at the ocean, how he was the same color practically. then I mused, I wonder if he could move into the teal slot in central? cz looked at me in shock, said was that even possible? (since he's an outspacer and therefore not a headspace native, plus no one's ever moved into Central before.) I said it should be, emmett didn't match, and the actual green-blue color should be lighter anyway. infi said I should check to see if cz was compatible, so I did-- I mentally reached into the spectrum ring and asked it if cz would match the "teal" slot. to my total surprise, it did feel possible! so I told cz, said the "midslot colors" (brown, pink, teal) had inhuman holders anyway, so I'm sure he could be part of central if he wanted. yes that was a huge role and responsibility but he was already very important to the system, I had faith he could do it. he was really smiling at this, infi was too, so that's something to look forward to.

- next, "to you who I will love again" from the princess's man started playing (and would you believe i didn't know the title of that until just now?). the mood of the song really fit how we all felt, so we watched the ocean and the full moon and just took it all in. (being the drama queen he is, at the 1:26 mark, cz made all this aqua firefly-like energy stuff explode in the air, exclaimed that he was glad he could "still do that," I joined in with white sparkles, said it was different when I was used to red. infi said that since I was now white, I could use any color, not just red. that fact was so exhilarating, I was no longer locked into one hue, it was awesome. infi then said he would join in too, but he couldn't control what he did in that sense, he didn't know what would happen. cz said give it a shot anyway, it could be cool. so at the next flurry of violins, infi focused on the entire landscape, and suddenly we were floating! the ocean literally dropped away into a series of cascading waterfalls, and we were now sitting on one of many small floating islands of sand, also cascading down, into a great galactic blackness. the sky all around us was rife with stars and nebulae; it was gorgeous. cz and i were awestruck, but infi looked slightly embarrassed, said "see, that's why i don't usually try to change headspace." i said it was awesome, there was nothing wrong with it, but he was just a little self-conscious about how utterly unpredictable (and often dramatic) the results were, I suppose. Either way, it was gorgeous.

- then "while the cold winter waiting" by trentemoller started, I love that one. i started trying to focus a snowy environment, but surprisingly infi stopped me, said he wanted to try 'tuning in' again and sending us wherever. so i said okay, and he did.
immediately the ground around us whitened and spiraled up around us in great twisting scepters of ice and snow; it was entwined closely and stretched up super high, sunlight streaming down from above. but it was also close to us, too, leaving only a few feet of space between the three of us and the walls. it wasn't constrictive, instead it felt protective, and secret in a good way.
Right about them I realized the bass in the song sounded like a heartbeat and I got really affected by it (unsurprisingly in light of what I'd just been through). Infi moved over and sat to my right, Chaos did so on my left, but then his empathy picked up what I was feeling and he was visibly affected too (since he really has a thing for heartbeats). Wanting to remember, I asked him why, he said it was because he didn't have one, so when he first realized I did, that stuck with him, and eventually came to mean a lot to him. Wondering then, I said in my stained-glass form I didn't have a physical heart, but Infi did even though he was made of shadow? Not thinking, I mused if he had "blood" on the inside normally? In response Infi said no, that was my thing (thanks to being the core of the body)-- internally, he is all stars normally (which I had forgotten since it was new to my knowledge, but it's true; even his "blood" is luminescent white). But he then said, since he and I had equally strong ties to red, we could both shift to "red on the inside" whenever we wanted, to be more physical; plus it was a very humbling feeling. He then did just that, and moved to hold me-- and that was incredibly overwhelming; not only did his body feel different (far less insubstantial), but his heartbeat felt different too; closer, harder, but more fragile in its substance. I nearly dissolved at that, motioned for Chaos to please come closer, he did. So we all just moved in close and held each other like that for a while. To be honest it got overpoweringly emotional really fast: not in a bad way, of course, but when you get that deep, you start to wonder if your body is capable of withstanding that sort of feeling without dying! But, in those moments, I knew without a doubt that there was love moving between ALL three of us, total and sincere. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me, to see people that I love expressing that same love to each other. It's spiritually expansive, if that makes sense.

- We all agreed that eventually we HAVE to include genesis; we just want to include as many people as we can in this, haha. But we want to make sure there is a solid and honest enough bond between us three before we bring in a fourth, especially Gen, because he's very volatile and we don't want any harm coming to him, even inadvertently.

- I do not remember anything else and I hope that's everything because that is a LOT of information, and it's heavily significant stuff too; that is draining to have to deal with for so long when I'm recording it!


It is now 2am and honestly I have been trying to type all this down for the past 3+ hours as I knew it would unfortunately fade by morning. rest assured though this was one of the most spectacularly beautiful nights I've had in ages and I know I will never, ever forget it.
on the gfp people talk about feeling so loved, so flooded with that divine state of being, that they can barely stand it… and it makes me want to cry from sheer bliss and gratitude, realizing that I've had that for years, in and from and with these beautiful individuals, by the grace of whatever one may call God. in total humility and honesty, I swear I didn't understand what that sort of unconditional love was even like until I met them. and the fact that we can tune into THAT sort of love for each other, so easily, so completely… it blows my mind.
but… words do them no justice. the bottom line is that in these people that I love, and who love me, I understand. I don't know how else to put it.
and, if I may be so bold… if there is anything like heaven out there, this has to be what it feels like.

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The Lightraye System

January 2014

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