Oct. 20th, 2013

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Forgive me for not updating in a while, I've been trying to ignore headspace and that's not very smart, because the body is covered in red lines again and I don't want to know why. 
It seems that turning a blind eye to it causes it to pressurize?
At least Unisalia stayed by me as I slept last night. She said she'd protect me like she did when I was a kid. The hackers kept trying to hurt me but I said no, over and over, and Unis stayed close so they were afraid of her. 
Working on Dream World always helps, but the only "downside" (if you can even call it that) is that it is tied to the "blissful ignorance" thing. Thats's making it hard to write for certain characters, who have had rather painful lives whether i like it or not, and it's making my therapy sessions near impossible because I keep thinking "nothing bad ever happened to me, i'm fine" and not wanting to go to them. 
It's weird. Whenever I write, my "most recent" memory timeframe is spring 2004, when 8th grade ended. That's where the snapshot pictures are from, just the classroom. Only a handful. And in my head "I haven't even gone to high school yet." So it's on hold, which is odd. My therapist said that is normal for traumatized kids though. Their minds get stuck. 

As for why I'm here, I just got a message from someone on FB (just logged in for the first time in over a week I think) telling me to hold on, don't kill myself, that sort of thing. i was surprised but thankful, because i don't expect people to care that much about my complaining and depression, but they did, which meant a lot even if i can't "feel it" or admit it in words outright.
So I'm looking back through archive entries on a whim and we seem to be reliving june to a small extent?
Here are some relevant links to look back on.

http://lightraye.livejournal.com/438788.html (about the chronic suicidal thoughts and numbness)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/412932.html (most recent xanga, post-scratch, with infi and sandman)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/442894.html (this WAS NOT HEALED because j buried it!!)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/365576.html (same old same old, gotta be healed)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/165750.html (possible review for old julie motives and memories?)
http://lightraye.livejournal.com/370546.html (interesting perspectives in light of recent stuff?)

That is ALL I'm going to go through right now! There is a ton of stuff that's obviously relevant as heck, but I don't want to get overwhelmed today.

The hackers are focused on Pokemon again, once I got majorly pissed at them for trying to corrupt Mage Angels and Dream World again. Oh yeah, I got mad as hell at them. I won't let them turn my friends into perverts just because they want to hurt me. That's wrong.
So now, of course, since I'm excited about X&Y, they're attacking the Pokemon again. Just like they did with Celebi in the past, poor girl. Except that was freaky because we WERE a Celebi in 2002, you know? Although she split off of course, now she's her own person. And J didn't know that she was "us" at one point, so there was a split. And so the hackers used a Celebi form to hurt him, since he saw her as a connection to that innocent past, and therefore he lost all feelings of hope for it when she became lethal, as a lie. And now that she's healed and purged of all that, you know, the hackers are going after OTHER Pokemon (Aegislash and Banette to be specific, although he won't admit it!) trying to hurt him again!! Geez! I know Knife and Laurie are both mad, that's all I can tell you though, is that they're angry. Knife especially, he HATES when the hackers try to hurt children, or things that are tied to childhood. And he said that, since Pokemon is strongly tied to childhood for J, the hackers trying to turn it into something ugly and threatening and perverted is a major moral sin, and I know he's going to try to stop it somehow too. Which is good.

I need to stand up and say this though. We have been WAY TOO DISCONNECTED for way too long now. Looking back at the old entries, man, we had a community going up here! The System was a system, everything worked together, it was rich and real and awesome. Now we're in splintered fragments, people are barely holding themselves together, no one talks anymore, we're a mess, we're barely getting through the days. Why is that? I know I'm one of the artists, and I can't work with them directly, but darn it I can write about them and I can see them that way, as a story. And their "story" is falling apart right now. I'd love to see it get back together, it was really wonderful from what I read. And I like happy endings, and people growing together. Heck, and I've talked to J before, so I know him, I know headspace is like his family, that's his world like the Leagueworlds are to me. Seeing them all fall apart... it's sad, you know? So I'm trying to fix it, but my hands are tied, I can't do much with it. Just little bits of optimism here and there, just keeping the DW work going and feeding the light, keeping the body safe for another few hours. If that helps, then I'm happy to do it.
But J needs to pull himself together and do some work for himself too. He needs to stop being so empty and apathetic, although I know it hurts. He thinks he's worthless, that he has no reason to live, that none of us do. Well, that's wrong, and he knows it! It was just in the L'Engle books too, geez. I need to buy him those for Christmas or something. Or write the quotes out and tape them to his wall, so he can't ignore them, haha. Either way he's gotta stop being so bogged down by pain, somehow. We'll find a way out of it. I know we will. There's always hope!

Hmm. I think re-reading the Xangas would be good to help him get back in the right mindset. I'll remind him. He keeps saying he's going to but he doesn't, he keeps insisting it's fake. Well fake shmake, go read them anyway mister, they could still help no matter how you look at them!

Now if you don't mind, I have other work to do, mostly trying to catalogue the old iPod so we can put new stuff on it, and we have therapy tomorrow so we can't stay up late. See ya!


spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
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