Oct. 4th, 2013

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, I've decided something.
I want to integrate. Or, even better, I want everyone else to just not have anything to do with me anymore, without having to kill them or absorb them like some sort of cannibalistic parasite.

In any case, I've realized that I have NO TROUBLES when I am out of headspace, or when nothing forces me to go back there. None!
The entire month of August was brilliant because nobody was around. I had no hacks, it was great. As soon as people started showing up again, boom, here comes the triggers and hypervigilance. I'm tired of that, really.

So yes. I'm going to tell the therapist this if I can. Let's just stop this facade, this game that has no more purpose. You ever wonder why we don't have access to the trauma memories anymore? Because we're not tied to that timeline anymore! However, headspace was created BECAUSE OF IT. So why in the world would I go back there, if it only exists because of trauma? I see no good reason why.

I don't know what happened to Jay, you know, the one with white hair who manned the system from 2011-2013 (the scratch). He's long gone I think. His "family" is gone too, as are all the Upstairs people he worked with, except for Laurie, which is why I stay away from her.
I want all the Undergrounders gone though. All of them. They are all rooted quite firmly in abuse, and that is no longer needed. So they need to be the first to go.

As I said, I will bring this up on Tuesday, before they even start trying to talk about trauma, which is silly because that doesn't happen anymore. Hopefully we can stop going to see the therapist then. Why in the world do we need a therapist, when there is nothing wrong? We're just deluding ourselves into thinking we have a "problem" when OUR mindset is the "problem!"

Bottom line, I want to be alone. Let headspace go away entirely, and let the body just live without freaking out all the time. And let the League work start again, without being tainted by Julie and her ilk. That's not right. This entire headspace situation just fucked up the body's purpose big time. When the body was a child, it worked without fear, without identity. As soon as the hacks started, the work was put on pause. That was practically 11 YEARS AGO!! It's about time we turned our back on this stupid "trauma" nonsense, that WE perpetuated; leave it all in the dust and just pick up where we left off. Seriously.

Also, you probably don't know this as other people don't care, but we technically still don't have internet access. "Well how are you using it now," you say. Easy. We drag the work laptop into the living room and plug it into the router, where we have nowhere to sit and doing so is painful. But isn't that stupid! We're using the WORK COMPUTER to go on the freaking INTERNET and do stupid HEADSPACE stuff!! This is the very definition of corruption!! What idiot decided to do this!! You are bogging down our computer for CREATIVITY with stupid DRAMA. STOP.

Uh-oh, we're losing sight, falling into bad things. Forget about it. DON'T use the word "we" or "us." Don't give them any attention.
So let's stop forcing ourselves to use the internet. Delete everything off this computer that isn't work.
Delete everything in the mind that isn't work, too. Get rid of all the memories that are old and irrelevant now.

Integration, deletion, or oblivion. Those are the only options headspace has left.

I will not update here anymore. This is over.



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