Oct. 3rd, 2013

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Yeesh, yesterday's entry was a bit of a mess! Let me look through it briefly and put together a coherent list of responses for my therapist on Tuesday (she had to cancel today; I trusted in that and it's kind of good that she did; it gives us more time to process that heavy stuff).
I'm not going to edit it either, although I don't approve of all the triggering and negative thinking, because there's probably useful information in there anyway, at least as far as therapy is concerned. If we can't just drop this all at once yet, then we'll work through it bit by bit. But I'm thinking of a line I just read in A Swiftly Tilting Planet:
"I have shed my tears for the past. Today is for mirth. Why have you dragged me through tears again?"
"So that you may leave them behind you."
Let's do that. Let's just leave it all behind, may this be the last time we ever have to deal with it again.

Answers only; questions are in the previous post and don't need to be re-typed.
(I MAY add some if I remember any on my own that are legitimate and weren't mentioned.)
(A note: all "triggers" can vary in severity, frequency, types of reactions, and number of people affected. This is not a system-absolute list.)

1. Worst triggers (that don't apply to other sections): Touches, food (even the mention of or possibility of either),  all suggestive or sexual content, certain words/phrases that are perceived as threatening or sexual, being referred to or seen as a biological female, sharp knives (esp. x-actos), masking tape (rarely)

2. Sounds: Sudden loud noises of any sort // Loud voices, esp. when yelling // Sustained loud background noise, esp. things like heavy-duty air conditioning // Whispers // Wet sounds of ANY sort // Non-verbal vocal sounds (chewing, grunts, smacking, breathing) // Any vocal sound related to pain that isn't outright screaming or crying (moaning, shouting, weird exclamations, etc.) // When people hiss their "s" letters or talk in a prissy manner (like the mother) // Girly and/or sultry female voices // Repetitive chants or prayers // Steady, constant rhythms // Marching bands and carnival music

3. Smells: Anything fishy // Nail polish // Perfume and hairspray // Women in general, esp. the mother and grandmother // Bathrooms // Sugar // Cigarette smoke // "Fairground" smells, esp. the food

4. Touch: Potentially anything and everything; worst non-sexual places are torso, legs, and face // Any and all sexual touches are traumatic // Sudden, light touches (being bumped into, brushed past, tapped on shoulder, hand on back, etc.) // Sustained but not deep touch, i.e. when people "don't let go," esp. if holding shoulders, or leaving a hand on any part of my body ('painful' touch of this sort (heavy pressure) is acceptable) // Certain textures of clothing, esp. long sleeves, long pants, & tight shirts // My own hair, when unkempt // Being touched  in any fashion when trying to sleep or rest // The sensation of fullness after eating // Swallowing anything // Being close to people with "loud" auras (esp. the grandmother, who radiates anger and sorrow and pain) //

5. Taste: Chocolate, but only thanks to association with sexual abuse (lust and gluttony are inherently tied to us). Food (consuming) in general is a major trigger, regardless of what kind. We are affected by the very act and thought of eating, not by the flavor of the food.

6. Images: Anything and everything sexual, suggestive, risque, etc. including "socially acceptable" ones like store mannequins wearing swimsuits // Self-injury // Blood // Violence of any sort

7. Acting 'abnormally': assuming everyone wants sexual favors from me: i.e. being unable to understand personal relationships as anything but obligatorily sexual; may often overlap with two secondary functions of cold business, or mindless entertainment for the sake of "survival"  // Avoiding and often hating everyone who I see as a "threat" in this sense, esp. people who "like me." This is dramatic, sudden, and total // Reacting "like a child" when yelled at, thanks to children being triggered // Related, sudden and dramatic shifts in mood when interacting with people, often followed by severe fatigue and memory loss (now explained by quick successive fronting). This has been called out several times.

8. What triggers remind you of: Sexual abuse, although the actual incidents have been all but totally erased from accessible memory. Childhood punishment and psychological/ spiritual damage may also be triggered, but this is rare.



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