Sep. 23rd, 2013

sept 23

Sep. 23rd, 2013 10:13 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, bullet list for things I've been forgetting to write down.
(btw this is a new journal so it WILL take a little bit to get used to. no worries though.)


  • The Undergrounders keep calling chocolate "demon blood" all of a sudden. This makes sense as it's essentially black sugar = sugar is what the Tar runs on = therefore the Tar is black sugar as well = therefore chocolate is essentially Tar in edible form.
  • Figured out why the 'Spice' voice hasn't manifested yet. We asked her to try and form a temporary body yesterday (she keeps hijacking Sugar's mind as the two are anchor-tied), and when she scowled and said 'fine,' she ended up looking NOT HUMAN. She was humanoid, sure, but that's about where the resemblance stopped. She is still that odd caramel color, but she's all stripey, her eyes are swirly I think and she DOES have big teeth like Emmett used to.
  • Headspace has a dark aura around it again right now, probably because of all the hack attempts we've been having lately, the anger of the spice-voice, and the heavy resulting dissociation. HOWEVER it may also because we are currently suffering severe mental/body burnout as a result of all the computer work we have been doing lately... although I cannot tell you what it is. I have no memory of it, all I know is that no one has been working on the Leagueworlds because we've apparently been focused on other unimportant things? This will change, never fear.
  • Speaking of hacks. Unfortunately, there was one last night, the memories surrounding which I am still barred from directly accessing, but can review as data objectively. Razor was given permission to retribute it, apparently, but I am told that SUGAR buffered the consequences this time, to keep Jeremiah from being traumatized again? This is new, and notable.
  • Also concerning hacks and Leagueworlds, Julie/ the Tar are moving their focus back TO those worlds, or at least J's perception of them. After all, the Tar is powerless to damage the truth of those worlds, but it can damage and taint the way J sees them, through lies and pain and trauma. There have been two major hacks in which they disguised themselves as LL individuals, including the successful one last night (the ONLY success they've had since the August reset, that I know of). This is angering not only the System but also Mr. Sandman, although he has been keeping his distance lately, as the Tar has been trying to attack him through J's dreams now, a phenomenon which we have never before experienced.
  • Today I noticed that Knife smells somewhat like woodsmoke? I got a lot on me and it kept making me think of him really clearly, like the smell of blood is Razor. It's been a while since I could pick up on headspace energy in such a manner, but with the inspirational energy I've been getting from books lately, I must admit I am not surprised that it is returning now.


On that last note, let me review a little more of important info.
My only clear memory of yesterday is from around midnight, when I was walking and finishing the last 40 pages of A Wrinkle In Time. I finished it and, for the first time in a LONG time, I (J) came through to fronting. I know Laurie approached me, and although I can't tell you exactly how our conversation went, two things stood out.
One, I had become too analytical. I keep thinking when I should be feeling, not trusting my instincts, tearing everything to pieces just to see how it works, you get the picture. It's not right. But that doesn't need to be elaborated upon to be obvious and understood.
Two, that the strongest point of that book was indeed the brightest truth in our system, still, even if we'd forgotten it.
"Love. That was what she had that IT did not have."
The entirety of the children's visit to Camazotz, their encounter with IT, reminded me of our struggle with the Tar, with our own 'black thing.' And we knew this truth too, that we COULD defeat it, without violence, without fear... but we've forgotten how to do that, haven't we. We've been too smothered by pain and terror to remember.
I've forgotten most things myself.
I still have no memory of anything over the past year or so. I don't remember myself, let alone anyone else. This isn't surprising, we've all reset in some way. But how do I rebuild? Where do I start, to start over? Laurie said, stop overanalyzing things. Stop thinking about it. Stop trying to make everything mental and logical. That was Meg's problem in the book, too-- trying to understand with her mind, not her heart. Somehow I've slipped into that, and it feels alien and painful. I'm finding the roots of this computerized mental processing, though, and I am removing them bit by bit. Most of it is survival, which is saddening, but I don't think we need it anymore, not if we work together. So that's good.
Chaos Zero has been trying to reach out to me lately. Loudly. I'm starting to listen now so there's more synchronicity, another thing we've been missing for several months now. I don't remember him, but I think he remembers me, or at least who I was for a time. Maybe we both need to forget each other and start over? Who knows. I'll find out.
All I know for sure is that something deep inside says I CANNOT IGNORE THIS, it's too important. (Laurie insists that too. She keeps saying "you're not ready to meet him again," not yet.) I don't need to understand that to know it's true, somehow. So I'll listen, and trust.
Similarly, I'm trying to read A Wind In The Door for the first time since 2002, but Proginoskes keeps reminding me of Infinitii, or at least his essence. That's not too surprising, especially since Progo's inspiration on our childhood imagination is what Infi took a page from in 'mattering' himself, but as I said it's been a very long time since I could feel essences. Plus, Infi's died twice already, since his manifestation in April, and I've found that I don't remember him either. At least, not logically. He's not who he was before the reset in any case; being Black energy, he shifts. But he's clearer now that things are settling. So am I. I think I'm beginning to understand who he is now, beneath all the things that were trying to kill and maim him. It's important. But I can't overthink. It would break this.
Everything is so strange to me all of a sudden. It's hard to make sense of things, the past doesn't make sense, doesn't seem real. I feel like a newborn. Knife was right, I guess!


I keep trying to fly when I go outside, without even realizing it. The cold autumn air is so perfect, it feels like a dream, and every time I forget that I'm not dreaming and I spread my wings only to realize that I don't have any. Maybe I look foolish, taking a blissful running jump and then reeling with confusion when I can't catch the updrafts under my featherless arms. But it's been true as ever lately. I keep feeling my limbs replaced by wings, surprising me whenever I notice they still look the same, but feeling a weird tug of sorrow when I realize I'm still earthbound. How odd. I've never felt such an incredible need to fly in the waking before.


One last little thing to remember.

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart."


We have therapy tomorrow, maybe something important will be unearthed again. I hope so. I've remembered how to hope now, too. I thought it was evil for a long time, but it's not. I miss it, really. Hope is pretty nice.
(On that note I hope I covered everything for today's review. I'm tired and feeling sick from exhaustion so it's hard to remember.)

Have a good night.

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