Sep. 21st, 2013

sept 21

Sep. 21st, 2013 08:43 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
You know how I used to say that "it feels like the universe wants headspace to stay together," but as soon as I started ignoring headspace, that feeling went away and I'd convince myself that I had imagined it all?
I was being silly, thinking that the universe would be so fickle. How could I have forgotten how the system works? After all, if you blind yourself to something, of course you're not going to see it.

Today, I got my eyes pried open for the first time in a long while.

I woke up around 8am, feeling sick and in pain. I was also dead tired and didn't want to get up just yet, but I knew that if I tried to go back asleep, I was running an extremely high risk of being brutally hacked. However, my nausea won out and I decided to take that chance.
Sure enough, the tar-black nightmare imagery and flashbacks crept up on me quickly. I chased them off the best I could, but then I was shocked to realize that I felt someone else trying to reach me behind all that... someone I hadn't heard from in a long time.
Infinitii.
You'll have to forgive me if this is choppy. When I'm less than half-conscious, my "brain" stops working and everything runs on emotions and honesty. No masks, no lies, no analysis... but no defenses either. So this is going into stream-of-consciousness mode, because trying to translate it into coherent text is not going to work.
Also, a warning because raw headspace is always bizarre, so this will likely seem extraordinarily weird in terms of events and things, even to me. But, as I said, it's a different sort of reality than the waking. Still just as important though.

(felt him 'reach out,' tried to tune in. immediately, beautifully clear perception of him 'floating down' to where I was, wings out, all black feathers and eyes. it felt entirely genuine, like "whoa he really is still alive," but HE didn't feel entirely right somehow. i tried to talk to him but he wasn't translating, and whenever i'd start thinking too hard i'd be phased out. so i stopped, tried to just get a feel for things. couldn't reach him well until i started falling deeper into sleep, then slipped into headspace. forget exactly how, but i found him quickly, ended up in his bubble (although it was small, dim and empty now). however he seemed half-awake too, but in a bad way, like he was unable to stay conscious. this felt tied to the "off" vibe he had, i wondered why? THEN it hit me that "dude, those hacks keep trying to happen, are they hurting him too?" because the august reset ONLY happened because they temporarily killed infi again. and he didn't seem to have recovered entirely, his anchor was unstable and it seemed like he still had tar in him. to this i got a mental response from "up there" (above central headspace, i ONLY get cryptic guidance from there; MIGHT be the system itself so to speak) saying "his body and spirit are pure, but his soul is not." asking how that was possible, it said that "something else was inside him" messing with his identity and ability to function.)
(this is where it gets REAL blurry and weird, because mind you, this is the first time in SEVERAL MONTHS that I've had a direct headspace experience, and this came out of nowhere. anyway infi essentially 'blacked out' now, i worriedly asked if i could get whatever was in him out out of him. i think the voice said yes, but it would be difficult? i asked why and it said that the thing infecting infi was physically inside him, if I had to get it out it'd have to be surgical, essentially. i didnt want to hurt him, voice said in his current state he wouldnt feel anything anyway. either way the next thing i clearly remember is mentally calling knife, loudly, it was important. he showed up, looking mad/shocked, what in the world is going on, is that infi, etc. said i needed his knife, he couldn't get in the bubble, said toss it. he hesitated but did, i caught it, immediately just followed instinct and cut a thin circle into infi's chest, then cut a T-shape into that. all very carefully. tossed the knife back to knife, i think i told him to go back but stay prepared in case something happened? regardless, i had to open up infi. working on headspace logic now. he didn't bleed-- i don't know if he can normally either-- could see ribs and organs though. hesitated because i knew i had to get past the bone. felt like the up-there voice was literally hovering over my shoulder as i did this, never felt that before. it reassured me then. so i somehow 'cut' into ribs with light, "hinged" it so i could get past sternum. his heart was still beating, i swear to god i almost died right then; you know how i am with hearts, and this is INFI for heavens sakes (i adore him if you dont know). i actually had to pause for a bit, felt like i was about to cry or burn up, voice said keep going, BUT then things get blurry again. i dont know if this was instinctual or if i was instructed to, but i then cut my own chest open down the sternum, laughing a bit as i did so-- knife had been slicing me open there in the waking, so it was almost precognitive in this sense hilariously. but i don't think my insides looked human?? either way i then formed this cord of rainbow light, linked infi's heart to mine? i think he woke up then because i swear for at least a few moments he actually held me like that (purposely), REALLY thought i was going to die from emotional overload there, BUT!! RIGHT AROUND HERE THE CRAZY IMPORTANT THING HAPPENED.)
(infi was conscious, chest still open, but something happened where there was either tar coming out of him or something else? all i know is that once it got out, IT TURNED INTO AN ACTUAL LIVING THING. it was at least 15 feet tall; looked like a spider? yellow crystal-like core, then eight or so very long, spindly black legs coming out of it. they were solid but had a tarslick look to them. i think the yellow core had an eye or something? but it SPOKE and it was TRYING TO KILL INFI and then Knife AND Laurie showed up because they sensed major trouble and they were trying to fight this thing it was insane. i remember it running through the catacombs, took up so much space, destroying things as it went. i dont remember much though sorry i was worried about infi and halfway dazed myself)
(DUDE I KNEW THAT THING REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING!! IT LOOKED UNCANNILY SIMILAR TO MATARIEL?! IT EVEN HAS THAT AWFUL YELLOW EYE! AND THEN SOMEONE INSPIRED BY EVA DESIGNED AN ALIEN WITH THE SAME NAME THAT LOOKED LIKE THIS. WHAT ARE THE ODDS. I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO HAVE TO RESEARCH THIS HOLY SHIT)
(MULBERRY SHOWED UP i have no idea when, all i remember is laurie said 'we need someone to seal it off' and knife immediately thought of mulberry, said she was all about structure and refinement (with her professionalism). i guess the energy directed towards her then helped her wake up completely (she's been groggy for about two days, no longer in coma) and she ran in, wtf is going on. SOMEONE gave her energy i think? all i remember is her holding a clear cube of white energy, dark pink core. somehow used it to 'close off' the area so we were all in a cube like that, spider couldnt damage the catacombs anymore. also suppressed it i think? it couldnt move well)
(anyway, last thing i remember, someone managed to cut the spider thing down, infi tried to eat it and convert its energy? but IMMEDIATELY knife and laurie practically screamed "SPIT IT OUT," he did (it was like liquid shadow now, shapeless) but couldnt get it all out-- so he tore it out. dead serious, he 'liquefied' to pure black substance, and REMOVED that surrounding area from his body, then reformed. in doing this he lost a wing, ended up crying pitifully from the shock of it all, i held him and told him he'd be okay. anyway the bit he spit out was just the yellow core now, kind of melted and bleeding, but i THINK it was still trying to talk? sounded like it was mostly dead though, couldnt form words. anyway laurie said seal all of it away before it reforms or something, infi put it in a tiny bubble, i think knife said he'd lock it away underground? woke up shortly after this, still connected though-- knife wanted me to do something before i totally detached, said it was important. i think infi said "keep him close" during the day, i know he wanted me to wear his bubble but honestly i forgot... i don't know if im emotionally ready for that yet)

So that was that. I don't remember anything else much from the day until 3PM, when I had to drive my grandfather to the ER as he was in severe pain again and we wanted to make sure he was okay. So I was at the hospital with him for 3 hours, re-reading A Wrinkle In Time in the waiting room, and that's when I felt some things start to click back together.
See, that was my absolute favorite book as a kid, and I haven't read it in a very long time. I did watch the film version shortly around the INITIAL Scratch in February, though, and it had a massive impact on me then... so I'm not surprised that so many lines in the book keep jumping out at me, reflecting truths in my own inner life that I had long forgotten or denied.
"Charles Wallace's difference isn't physical. It's in essence..." "I guess I'll just have to accept it without understanding it..." "Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything..." "And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehendeth it not."
Stuff like that, you know. Little deep truths.
So I read until 6PM and we were able to leave... and then I realized it was pouring rain outside.
The moment I stepped outside, something inside me shifted. I swear I may never know why, but every time it rains, I cannot hide from those old and deep emotions. I walked out into the pouring water and just looked up at the sky with a look of wonder and compassion, no thoughts, nothing, just pure openness.
For the rest of the evening every single song I heard was synchronistic... with one HUGE bit as I was trying to exercise. "Call Me Call Me" came up on my iPod, a song I haven't heard in at least 2 years and usually skip. But this time, I decided to listen to it-- as two different songs with the words "Call me" in the title had jumped out at me over the past 24 hours, and that felt very specific.
Well. Not only were the lyrics relevant, but I looked up at the curtains and smiled when I realized it and thought "okay, if you want me to call you, then I will." So I sent out a loud intentional call, not expecting anything... just waiting, candidly. I felt a sort of smile in response, but unsure if it was real, then said "give me a sign" if he heard. The next instant, all I saw was GREEN.
I am dead serious. I stopped exercising and burst out laughing, smiling so widely I thought my heart would burst. When was the last time I saw his eyes? And now, out of nowhere, there was a PERFECT flash of them?
The next song that came up on my iPod was "Alone Together." Yeah, the universe is definitely telling me something.

(btw write the bit about chaos/infi energy; i adore infi but ONLY CHAOS causes that "connective" reaction, aka the taijitu thing. he 'clicks' even when I don't know who he is, but no matter how close I get to Infi he DOES NOT elicit that! several people have said this is important too)
(THE MERGE DRIVE WITH INFI IS NOT PINK!!!!!!!! THE TAR KEEPS TRYING TO HACK IT TO THAT THOUGH!!!! remember he was literally torn out of you in february of course there's going to be a merge drive with him)

In any case, THESE are the major points I've realized lately that I'm updating for:

1. Initial 'Scratch' just INITIATED it, like Bro in the comic, then finished MUCH later. Took until AUGUST to really finish? perhaps why so many 'smaller' resets, as everything broke further. Ended up with a 'NEW SESSION' now so to speak; the 'alpha' and 'beta' were COOEXISTING for a while, hence the Underground suddenly showing up and then Central practically DISAPPEARING once August happened (session switchover). Now people need to move back maybe. don't know how much sburb we should mirror in this, its fun but not mandatory.

2. IF the Spectrum needs to be rebuilt entirely now (we think so), anchors need to be NON-TRAUMATIC. the undergrounders who have not found new anchors are currently unstable, but those who have switched are gaining more abilities and strength by the day.

3. My headspace relationships NEED TO STAY COMPARTMENTALIZED!! We were having hack problems because I was trying to shove everyone on the same level and it DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY. My relationships with Chaos and Infi ARE NOT THE SAME AND THAT IS FINE.

4. Post-reset, we have forgotten a LOT of important truths from the past, that are STILL relevant now, surprise. I didn't realize this until I realized that we are all missing a LOT of memory, but that's all in the archives and it would probably save us a lot of struggle if we started reviewing things?

5. Last and most important bit: on the way home, I was looking at the muted colors of the evening and smiling with quiet relief and compassion, thinking how the Underground has dark colors like that, but they were such soothing shades and I needed them right now. Dark wasn't bad, just a different role. Then a car drove by with blinding white headlights and I thought "is that white light my position?" I had a moment of absolute existential surrealism and then SUDDENLY, I REALIZED SOMETHING.
What if the Black and White slots weren't working, no matter what we did, because they were being HELD wrong?
WHAT IF THEY ARE GROUP SLOTS??
I told Laurie about this and she was so excited at the idea that she practically hugged me to death, it was great. After all SHE inspired the thought in my head-- she's the only person I've seen HOLD THE WHITE COLOR CORRECTLY, WITHOUT LOSING HER OWN VIOLET. You remember the Angel Helmet of course! So a visit to the BLC is DEFINITELY in order.
I'm thinking the Underground would hold Black and Central would hold White... OR, everyone can hold BOTH. We'll see.

That's all for now my laptop battery is about to die goodnight!!

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