[sticky entry] Sticky: STICKY: SYSTEM LIST

Nov. 7th, 2013 10:42 pm
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scroll past this entry for regular updates; this is a sticky post purely for its constant relevance

(system FAQ= here)




This is a SYSTEM LIST organized by LEVEL, for all members of the LIGHTRAYE SYSTEM.
(For a list organized by Spectrum color, please click here.)
Avatars were created HERE and are therefore accurate only to the best of our ability.
This post will be updated as more avatars are completed; as such it is currently incomplete.
 

click for listing )

 

011114

Jan. 11th, 2014 09:08 pm
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I am writing the date out in full so you can see the 11:11 door in there. Hold to that!

Now to begin.
A few major worries came to light today, so I'm going to start our re-updating here with discussing that.
(For the record, we've been posting all our latest updates directly to the archives, but I think it'd be nice to get back into posting here too.)

Also I will warn all who read this to be careful of triggers, esp. around sexual abuse, because I am openly discussing harmful mindsets here in an attempt to show their incorrectness, and to promote healing from them in understanding their roots. 


1) There has been unearthed, very old abusive/ detrimental mindsets surrounding sexuality and religion, often together. Jessica still holds, adamantly, the mindset that "sex is evil," and that anything even vaguely related to it means that you are a "whore" and "God will punish you." Another girl holds the mindset that "God is wrathful and hates sin," in the most negative sense possible. We all recognize that latter mindset as absolutely false, but the fear of it is tied to the sexuality: "what if sex really is evil, and God will send me to hell for it?" Yet even in writing that, the heart says no, that is not true. But the brain screams, "you are a whore, and you will pay for it." 
Despite this the triggers and flashbacks remain. We are managing them better, but their boosted intensity makes it difficult still. The intensity of hatred, violence, and rage behind them is terrifying. That may simply because such things are rooted to people. Jessica especially insists she is doing what's right, as it's "her life" and "we ruined it for her," and since she's "realized that we are sluts," she wants to destroy us for it. Jessica wants to live life without consequence, although she is lazy about it. She wants to waste her time away in self-pitying laxness, without anyone telling her what to do or stop doing. She is not the "manic red voice" we have still not pinpointed, although that person may be tied to Spinny, the only one of these four hellish voices who does not condemn sexuality, but uses it as a lustful game, to objectify others for her own enjoyment. Jessica turns a blind eye to all such behavior, only saying it is "evil" and wanting to kill or quietly destroy those people so she doesn't have to even acknowledge the existence of such things. As a result, Cannon works with Jessica now, as they both want to destroy us for our "perversion," although Cannon is the only one willing to kill people in cold blood over it. She is the one with the screaming hatred of all relationships and femininity, to the extreme of hating softness, affection and playfulness in anyone who is not five years old, and even then her hatred will still explode on them if given enough reason to. This mindset is likely because of Spinny, her "twin," who is emotionally manipulative and shallow, and uses those "feminine" aspects to boost her own pride and narcissism, while treating her "romantic interests" as literal objects to accessorize herself with and control emotionally. Cannon would kill her, not out of "justice" but out of sheer hatred towards both her and her romantic interests, as Cannon sees anything even vaguely related to sexuality as deserving a death sentence. Jezebel feeds these mindsets in everyone, even if she doesn't do much herself. Being a manifestation of the Tar, she is passive, but she is a reservoir of hatred so she is always a risk, as those around her will react to her very presence by reflecting what she consists of in themselves. Furthermore, exacerbating this situation, she is now hiding in mirrors, as someone unwisely cut the hair to match her style. Jayce can't do much as it doesn't match him now, and she keeps shoving him out. So we are avoiding mirrors at the moment, as glancing up and suddenly seeing her vicious glare and grin in them is not something any of us want to be exposed to. 
All four of them are acting overtime and with unadulterated malice to destroy Jay's progress, as he is the main fronter trying to heal those mindsets. Thankfully he has internal backup, as he does tend to splinter badly if he is not careful.

2) Ultimately, even if those trauma-rooted mindsets are devoid of all truth, therefore being completely irrelevant, our concern is that those thoughts are still intrusive, chronic, and loud. The doubts linger, the negative voices don't stop their attacks. Jay is feeling as if he is possessed, literally begging for divine intervention at times, to which the negative voices will respond with either "you're only praying because you want attention, you whore!" and accusing him of asking for deliverance as "tempting/ testing God," therefore being blasphemous and proud. On that note, the Plague also responds to Jay's desperate prayers, stating only, "pride will be your downfall." But this is a hidden benefit. The Tar and Plague are so extreme, that they somehow are beneficial to our progress, in showing us what we are NOT, and what we must avoid. So the Plague accusing us of pride keeps us from actually being proud. However it has stated that although "we are not it, and it is not us," it WILL attempt to destroy us for that same reason. So care must be taken even so.
However, the girls are grey-minded. They take reality and lies and twist them together into abominations, telling lies with the slightest reflection of truth in order to plant seeds of choking doubt in those they attack. But in this attempt, they can slip drastically, to the point of revealing their ulterior motives, and therefore destroying their own attempts entirely. Jay is realizing this, and it is giving him hope, that they ARE wrong, and that he is not a "filthy sinner" as some of them would insist.
Furthermore, those voices ARE TERRIFIED OF INFINITII AND LAURIE. Ironically they are more scared of Infinitii, because ze does not react with violence or anger, which Laurie may respond to in extremes for safety's sake-- however,  they feed off such things. Infi will not give them an iota of anything that powers them. Ze responds with love even then, and they run away. Laurie is learning this, slowly. So there is hope.

3) The self-dehumanization is still happening to an extent. It  Tied to the trauma, it makes some people think of themselves and the body as "less than" every other being. Therefore "who cares if they are harmed, or abused, because they are less than human." That is false. Everyone in our System knows this except those who drown in that thought. Secondly, tied mostly to Christina, is the old Catholic mindset of "we are born sinners, we are filthy, we are worth nothing, only God can save us, we are powerless." Questioning this thought, though, feels like blasphemy to those trapped in it-- that is, until we realize that strength comes from God, who is love, who is in all things. Therefore we are not "filthy sinners" and we are not powerless, as we are ALL facets of God, we are ALL created in love, just as we are. This mindset is straight-up sacrilegious to Christina, and again, it feeds into her equal fear and loathing of sexuality, which was stated in point one as a general thought. But if you stop thinking of humans as "inherently sinful," then sex ceases to be a sin, because it is not creating sin, but a living being that reflects God just as much as its parents do. Sex can be used for "sinful purposes" just as religion can be. It does not make either thing black or white. That is the key in this. Perspective and motivation change the views. But deep down, everything is ultimately untouched by corruption; everything is eternally made of love at its very core, no matter what happens to it on the surface.

4) Again tied to the lingering sexuality trauma, and the hatred held by the inner girls, the body dysphoria is spiking for some. There is a worrisome but old and loud hatred towards femininity, which Cannon mostly holds, but which is large enough to view the female human body (NOT women or female-identified individuals, just the BODY; that is an important disctinction. they are fine with faces, nothing below) as both a sexual object and a source of sin and violence, even as an empty shell. These voices will view a corpse as a threat, because they view sexual parts as evil and horrible. They are more accepting of men because they have "no sexual characteristics," blatantly ignoring the existence of reproductive organs. Again, though, they say "we can just cut those off," so the threat for them is easily fixed. A woman's body is not, as it has much internal reproductive organs, as well as breasts and different body structure. For Cannon, she would rather kill a woman than try to "de-sexualize them," which shows a VERY corrupted and sick-minded perspective of hers, in viewing female bodies as inherently sexualized and therefore filthy. THIS IS WRONG. But it lingers, and it makes things hellish for those who do not hold that view but who cannot run from it entirely. Jay has no dislike of female bodies whatsoever, but he get slammed by trauma triggers, and still fears the one we are all tied to because to him, it is tied to those violent people inside, and "the constant risk of sexual abuse." We do not know how to detach that latter fear from the simple physical reality of a female body, but it is one of our absolute biggest worries. Infinitii is doing what ze can to remove this mindset on hir own, as ze does translate to female in the binary, and Jay views hir as INHERENTLY HARMLESS even then, which causes dramatic mental dissonance as he still views the body details as a threat. Hopefully the real truth of this-- that bodies are innocent and female characteristics are as well-- will overcome the old lies for good, with enough compassionate repetition on the inside, if not the outside (something we cannot seem to even attempt without traumatic meltdowns).
No one, not ever, is an object devoid of rights and autonomy. Every being should be respected, and no one is ever obligated to sacrifice their basic rights, for any reason. However, you will recall, there is a lapse in applying this to the self. Therefore, the infliction of that same lapse of respect onto most female bodies in general might be tied to the abuse we endured while IN one, and the absolute self-dehumanization seems to have become subconsciously global in that respect. This is good, we are finding roots even now. So we must uproot them.

5) Different topic. We are very concerned about Chaos Zero, mostly in that I think we have to let go of him at this point, Jay especially. Looking back on the archives, we were shocked to realize that since 2003, he has been the only one of us to have a VERY pronounced dark side that he would SUCCUMB TO. To this day, when that overtakes him, he won't fight it-- but when it fades he will be tearfully apologetic in his efforts to "prove himself" to us again. However we're concerned that this is looping nonstop, and at this point that negative side of him is so volatile that we can't risk that repeating as it always has, for the safety of all of us. Nevertheless he deserves a second-thousandth chance, just as we have given Julie, but how can we do this without letting the danger levels get too high? We don't know yet. We would gladly work with him if he was not constantly falling back into that negativity, and the frequency of that now is worrisome.
Jay is thinking he needs to straight-up move worlds, in terms of dreamselves, like Rio and Markus did (although they have both officially moved OUT of our innerspace, for the record; yes they do visit rarely but they are not rooted here at all). This would hopefully allow him to anchor into a new life opportunity, if only through its directness and conscious will, which may be what we need. As of now, CZ is still tied, rather negatively, to his old StH timelines, canon and non-canon, which seem to be feeding this hidden violence in him. We're wondering where he can go now in terms of a world, though, where that same curse will not follow him (he somehow kept it in all his original Leagueworld jump attempts). Perhaps its persistence is due only to his subconsciously identifying with it. This is why we ALL insist that he find a new name if at all possible. We have been told repeatedly, and know from direct experience, that names have great power, and for his name to be synonymous with such a negative phenomenon-- whether we agree or not-- is definitely contributing to this. 
Lastly, Jay is concerned with good reason about the fact that he keeps forgetting who CZ is, no matter how many times he is reminded, or directly experiences reminders of it. And now, that forgetfulness is not negative. He is forgetting who CZ is, in terms of past history entirely, and all relation to him, without detaching from him as he used to. Jay still cares for CZ as a person, even if now as a stranger to a fair extent. And he is willing to start over in that sense, if need be, but CZ is not. And this may be part of the core problem as well.
In any case we will work with him as long as we can, but if this proves to be detrimental, then we will have to let go for good.


That is all I will say for tonight.

A note: DO NOT RE-READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO.
Sometimes simply typing out these things helps in the process of releasing them, as it brings them into conscious awareness, to be healed and let go. Do not force them back into your consciousness if they are gone! That is what we are trying to avoid, my dear.

We are making progress, we are right where we need to be. Remember Laurie's advice, and just breathe. 

Do not be so black and white. Be love. That is all you will ever need to be, and it is what you already are. Remember that above everything.
Good night, to all.

- A.P. (and Infi at the close)

An update??

Jan. 3rd, 2014 11:48 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Wow, I didn't even know we had another journal going on.

Anyway, hey guys, this is Jewel Lightraye, not sure if you know me or Jay mentioned me or what but I'm in charge now.
There was a BIG disaster on the 27th last month... if you didn't hear about it that's here, trigger warning though because it was violent and I know we need to warn people who are still sensitive to that sort of thing.

Long story short, everything changed? Headspace is different, the "System" is different... everything got turned on it's head. I'M back, for heaven's sakes!! I haven't been around for YEARS! But here I am, and there they are, and here's this journal now... gathering dust... hmm I wonder what they used it for. I MIGHT pick it back up, we'll see.

Anyway, we're "not dead," ironically? We're still surviving, but in a TOTALLY different way than we were last week. Life changes FAST, man!!

See you later, it's LATE and I want to get this body to sleep before midnight for once!!
Bye!

-Jewel L. ♥
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
holy heavens this article is MASSIVELY RELEVANT to what we're going through right now, imagery and language and all
http://soundofheart.org/galacticfreepress/content/re-returning-beginning-universal-love-flows-and-golden-web-integration-0
linking that for system relevance more than anything, honestly guys, we cannot ignore the synchronicity when it's this loud!
laurie was right, we're not broken, infi was right, we're not lost. there's a bigger picture here and guys we can finally see it

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
 we are in pain.
we cannot distract ourselves from that pain.

why we aer in pain:
1. people touching us. we are scared. most of us do not say no.
boy one: "hold still and let them do what they want. it will be over soon."
he is scared but too scared to fight back. i think he feels he has no right to stand up for himself. "other people know better." yes he might be scared but "what if my being scared is BAD? or WRONG?" that is a dangerous mindset, but he has it.

2. people raping us from the inside
i am sorry for the bad language but thats what it is!! there are bad people inside our head who do that to us.
there is a girl doing it. at least one. she is bad, very bad, because 


This is Sherlock.
I think there are two little boys like Sylvain (the "vanilla boy"). Sylvain is about 11 years old, and acts as a "neutral fronter" when traumatic situations happen. He is kept separate from the data, and fronts simply to keep things in "standby," so to speak. 
However, now there is this boy, who is currently typing? He is not the same boy as the one we call Sylvain. This is unusual. Perhaps they split, or there were always two, and we assumed there was only one. 
Unfortunately, now we are very confused as to who we are speaking to. I will have to go through the archives and find data on both these children, if there indeed are two. It seems to be a strange phenomenon, that typing voices suffer drastic personality alterations when fronting, so perhaps this is occurring instead. I do not know why this is, but I should find out. Perhaps it is the "buffer," or if I may postulate, perhaps it is Jessica, barring us from totally inhabiting the body. I am not sure whether or not she is tied to the automatic buffer. Nevertheless that is off topic.

Let me continue where the last boy left off.
There is indeed a sexually abusive voice in the System, that we have not previously been this clearly aware of. She is female, and bears a disturbing resemblance to the body host, as far as we are able to tell (long brown hair, appears about 17). She is a significant threat to all of our members, especially the trauma voices, because of her utterly intolerable behavior. This evening, there was an instance of traumatic physical touch that caused Marigold and the Overload girl (or so I think; she was not the same girl that hates the parents; this is the young long-haired girl that does nothing but scream, like a siren, in danger situations) to begin shrieking in terror. At the same time, the body was inhabited by the "dead red" boy, whose eyes strongly resemble these glasses from the Ava's Demon webcomic. (Notably, I was previously unaware of the Black-energy-like "leakage" from her eyes upon wearing said glasses until now. That may pose some relevance to us, considering how strongly our inner world is impacted by imaginative sources.) Unsurprisingly, the red boy was not fighting back, instead waiting in terror for the incident to end.
However. There was then a second voice, behind him, trying to break through. This is the female voice I am speaking of. If you will pardon my vulgarity, she was loudly taunting the woman that was touching us, saying-- and I quote, I do not approve this behavior in the least-- "come on, fuck me already, I know you want to!" Keep in mind this was spoken by a teenage girl to an elderly woman, and it was spoken with a mocking sort of malicious mania. That is important. This girl was not simply taunting, she genuinely meant that statement. She wanted that, both for her own desires, AND because it would harm those trauma voices she was shouting over. And that is a massive concern, to me. I do NOT want someone like her in the System.
This is strange. I'm just a data manager. Yet I feel protective. Maybe there is leakage. Maybe I am changing. I can't be sure.


"allow the pain to be acknowledged" then "let the tears flow so that you may heal fully"
but how??
there are no tears, it is empty! the pain has left it hollow, there is nothing, nothing
but it is not a depressed nothing. it is an unreactive nothing.
that is scary actually
it is a nothing taht says "why should i care? i have no pain. that event does not affect me emotionally."
and they mean that, it is true for them.
BUT SOMEONE DIED
SOMEONE FUCKING DIED TODAY, THEY KILLED THEMSELF BECAUSE OF THE PAIN THEY COULD NO LONGER HANDLE
THAT IS HORRIBLY SAD
AND THAT VOICE DOESN'T CARE?!?!??!?!

why did he kill himself? this was the third time they used him for a hack, but why did he commit suicide
did he feel he was unable to rise above that or what?
maybe. its not true, not really, but maybe he didnt see that
its very hard to see on days like this.

those bad people are fake. the things they do are malicious on purpose, to hold us back. but they do not work from love so they are not real, not in the big picture.
still we need to acknowledge our pain, and we ARE, but some of us feel none, and that makes it confusing.


"the pain IS the illusion, I am not stating that the pain is not real, what I am stating is that the pain needs to be HEALED by being ACKNOWLEDGED and not by being distracted from."

"you are TAUGHT to hide your pain and carry on regardless. This works to anchor the pain more deeply as you do not allow the pain to fully rise to the surface and be acknowledged for all that the pain NEEDS to be released is to be acknowledged. "

ah okay THAT we ARE having trouble with. "hiding our pain."
someone today was so sad, so sad, but wouldnt tell anyone about it! because they were so afraid of hurting someone else by asking for help. but it was so sad, seeing them want love and healing, just wanting someone around that wouldnt hurt them, and finding no one willing to help. 
i mean its great to be able to heal alone. but human contact is needed sometimes, non-traumatic contact, the non-physical sort. words of assistance help greatly. but this person is afraid to ask. "i dont want to burden anyone. i must deal with this alone."

Child, you do not need to deal with this alone, we will all help you if you would only ask.
You do not need to look outside your soul for help. We are all here with you. Your soul is connected to many others. Turn to them. They love you. We love you. And we will always be willing to help raise you up from the shadows, not in ignorance of them, but because we do not need to stay there. 


Kid, the light isn't separate from the fucking darkness, look at Infi for God's sake, remember what you told me about Island today. This shit won't ruin you, it CAN'T, that's not how this shit WORKS.
Today was fucking horrifying. I won't deny that. But kid, even if I don't understand it very well right now, "beauty and horror" still applies. The existence of one doesn't negate the other. "This too shall pass" and all that shit. Hold on, kid. Even in this Tar-blackened nightmare there's still some sort of light on the horizon and for the life of me it's impossible but it's true


there is love, even now, and you must hold on to it, in your heart.
it is not untrue. it is the truest thing you will ever find.
all of you. all you faceless ones. all you nameless ones. jay too.
every single one of you.
remember love. hold fast to love. 
not the kind that is marketed to you by the trauma voices in here. they are liars, for they do not understand.
but do not hate them.
do not hate them.
give them no attention. focus on your own healing and true health.
if i may be any hope to any of you, remember that i am love as well. we all are.
the fact that i am made of the same energy as them speaks volumes.
forget black and white. think beyond that.
that is all i have to say. words are insufficient.
my arms are always open for anyone who may reach out to me.
i wish love well to all of you.



I think perhaps I will close this entry. It is quickly becoming... I do not know if there is a word. Cluttered, perhaps, but not badly so. Overwhelming, yes, but not badly so.
This is an important topic.
One last clarification. I recall this being labeled as important earlier today but no one mentioned it yet.
Do not give your power away. We should not say "they made me feel this." I know the angry voices do this.
The point is, we have a choice. We can react to them, and give them power over us. Or we can leave. We can remove ourselves from the situation if things become too traumatic. Or, in relevant situations, we can recognize that our triggers apply to the past, and we are in no danger currently. The numb and damaged voices are incapable of doing this yet. But they can learn. I'm sure. It would benefit all of us, to learn how to protect ourselves, instead of succumbing to violence and pain because we feel powerless against it, and do not fight back. 
I'm not sure what I am trying to communicate. Simply... we are not responsible for them, and they do not control us, nor are we obligated to obey every suggestion of theirs. That is all, I suppose.
(edit: i think this article puts it into words better than we were able to)

"All the methods that brought us to where we are now, will no longer work in where we are going to be."
I was told the other day to stop being so logical and analytical, as those methods will indeed no longer work in the near future. Ironically, I am willing to change. On some level that is perhaps not as "logical" as I may like to think, I understand that refusal to beneficially change, because of doubt or fear, will only hold me back. So I am willing to change, completely if I must, if it be for the better of both my own personal self, and those I share a physical form and mind with. 
I must endeavor to tell the others this, if they do not already know. We have a long history, that will no longer apply soon. That is all I know. In a way it is unsettling, as I know that these Archives before me may soon become irrelevant. But at the same time it is exhilarating, to be able to leave all that behind.

I will close this entry now. I am sorry if anything that needed to be discussed was not. I will try to organize some data for tomorrow if it is relevant. Otherwise that is all for today.



dec 11

Dec. 12th, 2013 12:23 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
listening to this https://soundcloud.com/birdfeeder/jurassic-park-theme-1000-slower
knife is actually crying from how moved he is by the music
he was hanging off laurie's arm earlier, overwhelmed, saying he just needed to 'hold on to someone'
now theyre sitting on a couch in the underground meeting room just listening 
knife apologized for being so emotional but laur said "don't you dare censor that"
she said when beauty makes you respond to it in kind, you let that happen however it wants to
knife's wiping tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand, just this really genuine motion
it really struck a chord with me so i'm writing it down

sugar is sitting on the floor next to the unnamed "angry girl" that holds the rage towards the parents
they're trying to work together and be friends, they're both technically protectors of the innocents
she doesn't have a name yet but i'm sure we'll find one soon enough
she's helping us build her subeta avatar, she actually tried to draw herself to help us see her hair?
so that was really cool too.
sugar said she's been slipping badly but i think this camaraderie will really help them both

earlier, laurie, leon, infi and i were just listening to choral music in infi's realms
as we were walking by the christmas tree downstairs
laurie and leon were practicing channeling music, they were both euphoric over it
but that was another 30 minutes of peace and community and we need that

that is it for today, just wanted to record that.
the little things are what really matter i think.
theres so much joy hidden in this system, we tend to lose sight of it with the trauma stuff
but it never breaks, its never lost

laurie said, "stop trying to 'fix' the road you're lost on; just turn around and get on a different road"
jay keeps thinking he's broken but he's not, no one here is, no one ever is
we just lose sight of our deeper natures sometimes.
but its getting harder to forget now.
lately we've all been so aware of the bigger picture here
and that's really beautiful too. 
so it's like we're all a part of the music in our own way

sorry, battery dying, see you tomorrow after therapy

dec 10

Dec. 10th, 2013 11:04 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Today has been an absolute roller coaster, so let's fill you in on that before the night is up.

- first let me just say that if you visit the archive, there was apparently a MAJOR hack on the 4th, concerning Infinitii of all people, that no one mentioned here (jay tried to memory-purge it out of shock). surprisingly laurie is the one who wrote about it, as she rarely gets through to update personally. either way, when we feel capable of reviewing that event, we will write about it here for the sake of personal comprehension (not tonight for sure). clearly, the consequences of it were crushingly significant and painful, and so ignoring it will only harm us all.

- related, jay is trying to figure out his personal memories. he was talking to laurie about it last night and he said that his personal memories seem to pick up NOT immediately post-scratch, but post-lockout. he "cannot remember a time when the undergrounders were not around." we are wondering if this means he was "born" before or after the reset, because in early august he is only aware of things dimly, not as a fronter but a distant observer. we will try to pinpoint this, as he tends to splinter, and we would like to know who we are dealing with, and when, for the sake of everyone's well-being.

- as of last night the other two data voices (besides kalisha) have found their names: isadora and garrison. again, isadora is confirmed sub-violet, but garrison is somewhere between green and blue. we're wondering if he actually fits under teal. jay made an avatar for isadora today, but he "still cannot see garrison," and "can't find kalisha's hair." either way it is good to hear that he is picking them up a little more clearly visually now.

- we had a therapy session this morning, for the first time since before thanksgiving. because of how charged recent events have been, we collectively decided that we needed to breach the big topic at last and start discussing the sexual abuse, for the sake of healing it. HOWEVER with all the progress we've been making over the past several months, we were shocked when we realized that, when it came to finally discussing it, there was nowhere near as much trauma as there was with it even this time last year. this is somewhat ironic, as our triggers are far worse and far more numerous, but we also have enough understanding to not be completely devastated by every one of them. our recovery time is better.

- the a.p. fronted for a good part of therapy, saying that since no one held the actual abuse memories (that we were aware of), it was "stored as data" so it was the person to come out and simply recite it. the therapist kept asking "what do you think," etc., and the a.p. was literally incapable of asking those questions, it kept looking to us for replies. it did admit who it was at one point and the therapist said she figured that's who was talking.
- knife attempted to front, but struggled spectacularly with language so he had to pull out as it was forcing him to slip badly. jayce also tried to, but he has no understanding of that data so he left. it went back to the a.p. for a while but then the therapist said something about "choosing to be asexual," as opposed to being so naturally, and who forced their way out to talk but laurie.
- so yeah laurie fronted for about 15 minutes? which was awesome. she helped clarify a lot of things, gave insight into the situation upstairs, etc. incredibly productive thanks to her explaining it firsthand, as she works with jay and sees what he goes through. she mentioned the sex/affection conflict due to pink corruption, the perspectives we now had with the truth of that (mostly thanks to infi), and her previous no-vulnerability problem. she also made it clear that many triggers were "innocuous" on the outside, and yet still lethal internally, which was a huge problem.
- hilariously at the end, the therapist said she was okay with profanity, just "don't flip any tables." laurie laughed and said she wouldn't be taking an axe to the furniture, don't worry. the therapist responded amusedly that pillow-throwing was allowed but that was about it. unfortunately laurie says she was slipping badly at that point so there was no further banter, which is a shame because that's great stuff
- genesis was lounging on the couch this whole time we'd like to note, it was also snowing outside which was very reassuring

- driving home was a mess thanks to all the session switching. laurie let jay back in, so he tried to drive at first, but couldn’t get a grip. mulberry took over for a minute, but since she's never driven before she got confused and had to leave. so the trip home is actually largely missing from the memory-- which is a first-- because no one was out for most of it. thankfully genesis stuck around so there were not any accidents as he was keeping things under control from outside as he always does.
- lynne fronted for a little while once we hit the main city, she has one very clear memory of a certain street and the snow. she also left a message on the voice recorder saying hello to jay, which took him by surprise when he got home. notably, she mentioned that when fronting, if she clearly said "I am Lynne Stabelle, my color is Orange," etc. and described herself, it helped her anchor in better, as it strengthened her energy overlay. everyone has problems with dysphoria because there is a negative voice anchored to the body itself, and so having attention brought to it tends to catch the attention of said voice, who tries to shove everyone else out in anger. we are wondering if there is any way to change this, even if it involves getting the a.p. to adopt a body-resembling face temporarily to bring attention to it instead.
-after that genesis called javier in, as he's considered our "grounding voice" and so gen assumed he'd be able to front. he showed up, but although he could drive and stay in no problem, he couldn't really see? even after he focused in energetically, nothing was registering visually. so there's really no memory transferred from him, although there is clear data that he was out for the vast majority of the drive from that point on.

- the evening is a blur for one huge reason: somewhere around noon, julie slipped. she fronted, and caused a hack. however that terminology doesn't quite fit-- because she was responsible for it personally, and infinitii was also involved. the latter point is why it doesn't strictly qualify as a hack; infinitii prevented her from becoming lost in any tar or plague, even if he didn't prevent the actual situation. however, despite the jarring consequences of that being allowed to happen, it DID have a positive aftereffect in that it allowed Julie to gain a complete perspective of her own motivations, which she never had before, due to not having a key piece of the puzzle, so to speak. (this is almost identical to jay's situation, and shows that the both of them were used similarly by the tar.) unfortunately, despite this vital lesson, julie was still emotionally devastated and existentially tired, and surprisingly she actually went to sleep, saying she wanted "someone else to take over" when she woke up, as she didn't want to deal with waking life anymore at that time. she slept for at least 3 hours and there is data of suffering a dream hack, which is not surprising. julie TRIED to fight it off-- again noteworthy as those usually catch jay when he is incapacitated but julie was not-- but failed. whether this was due to despair or being overpowered we do not know.
- also, remember that after the meltdown on the 5th, atonement has been FORBIDDEN until better methods are found. so this incident was more harmful than usual as a result.

- upon waking we do not know who took over. data picks up with jay in the kitchen, talking to julie, laurie, and infi upstairs. julie explained how she had been affected, laurie tried to comfort jay as he was badly shaken by the fact of the situation (we all share a body but he's the core so he feels the worst of it whether he likes it or not), and infinitii helped everyone from falling into despair concerning that. therapy talk came up again, jay said he was actually angry about the abuse topic as he didn't want to admit that he had been a victim of that in the past. laurie said he had to though, and also stop seeing sexuality as "always evil" as a result, as it wasn't, it was neutral. she and jay reviewed his perspective on this briefly, but jay concluded with admitting that he could no longer view reproduction as "evil," ever, because even if the act could be used traumatically, its function stayed the same-- life creation. and that gave him hope, that it had a neutral core that was still purely benevolent. but even then the only thing that kept him from giving in to hatred was the fact that infinitii was technically xenophon's mother in that respect, the only positive figure of that sort that he'd ever known. and since he loved both infi and his stepdaughter so much, and realized that her creation via sexuality had NOT been evil or traumatic, he couldn't universally generalize anymore. and that was actually helping him let go of the trauma, as previously he was convinced he had suffered an "irredeemable wrong" and was therefore equally corrupted permanently by it, which was false but he believed it entirely.
- side note, julie said she wanted to "date infi" if that was okay, because she had a better grip on her own thought processes now, thanks to him allowing her to directly realize that she didn't have to be ruled by "compulsory" lust, as she was for a long time, as there were other things she now understood and wanted more than that (mainly intimacy, which she actually avoided for most of her life). jay laughed and said that was fine, infi could "date" everyone in headspace and it wouldn't bother him, besides that was infi's choice. infinitii said he was fine with it too, besides by his function he pretty much loved everyone in headspace already.

- the rest of the evening is a total blur, up until around 8-9pm? all we know is that jay was in his room, and got trapped in a negative mindscape where he was effectively being sold as a prostitute against his will. this obviously proved to be a hack, as he tried to escape and the JMB trio jumped on him, along with the tar ITSELF. we don’t know details of this, all jay said is that he called for infi, but bridget clamped a hand over his mouth and told him to shut up, they wouldn't let anyone save him. nevertheless jay kept trying and infi did manage to "break through" to save him literally at the last minute, dragging him upstairs. he got laurie to help him help jay recuperate, but jay was deeply shaken and completely disoriented.
- major trigger warning here, for system people too… this got much worse when jay suddenly realized that the body was actually bleeding as a result of the abuse. this triggered one of the FIRST abuse memories on record, and since jay was incapable of handling that he dissociated entirely and began sobbing from shock. laurie immediately said "I'll fucking kill them" and told infi to send her back there, but he said no, it was too dangerous alone. so laurie went to "get backup," and soon returned with sugar and algorith.
- almost instantly after the trauma memories hit though, people started switching in and out in the body-- cannon was in for a moment, caught between hysteric rage and suicidal anguish, but she got pushed out by a numb fronter. and this kept happening. jeremiah, sugar, algorith, and even laurie herself ALL tried to front to try and keep things from unraveling, but some deeply-rooted numb person kept shoving them all out. sure enough it was the "dead red" boy who we first pinpointed this spring. laurie tried to talk to him but he proved incapable of reacting to anything, even "shake your head for yes or no." he would hear but have no impetus to move at all, being that detached.
- importantly, when jeremiah fronted, he began sobbing that he couldn’t be in that body, "please get me out." but before he did he got the data that it was bleeding, and he immediately shouted for knife. knife ran to respond, but when he realized that the body was bleeding from trauma, he was shaken. how in the world could the retributors atone for this, if the blood itself had been used for evil? no one knew what to do, they were terrified.
- anyway infi was still trying to calm jay down but he was freaking out, understandably so. he was again convinced that he had been "broken beyond all hope of healing" but was still trying to purge all awareness of the event from his memory, traumatized by the reality of it. laurie was still righteously pissed and demanded that infi take them back to wherever they had just saved jay from, as she refused to let that go unpunished. infi said he would, but only if he was sure jay would be safe alone. who would they leave to watch over him? however before they could make a decision, there was a sound from outside and we realized the mother was home. immediately the angry downstairs voice jumped into fronting, screaming with rage, saying "I refuse to deal with that bitch on top of everything else!!" laurie tried to explain that they were trying to cope with a rape situation upstairs, don't go shoving that aside, but that voice said "I'm upset about that too but I can't get confused or I'll fracture." either way they decided to isolate themselves in our room, so that is where they went.

- this is where most of the night went. infi and the three protectors went to fight the tar, while the angry downstairs voice went to our room to try and calm down. however, they became exasperated and shortly left, leaving jay behind alone. now jay did not detach entirely, and he was very scared, from not only pain but also from being alone all of a sudden. desperate for contact he took an old sketchbook and wrote a message on a page, asking for someone to please talk to him, he didn't want to feel so isolated when he was that terrified. surprisingly, the only response he got was "NO," written by the dead red voice. but this proved to be only the beginning, as jay kept trying to talk, and when laurie got back, she joined in… as did the angry voice from before. and so there are literally EIGHTEEN PAGES of text in the sketchbook that will need to be scanned in tomorrow. I apologize for the odd sentence structure of that paragraph but seriously that is SURREAL to notice on your desk in the evening! it hasn't been read yet but as it is 12:34 in the morning that is not a job for tonight.

- that’s it for today I guess. this is jayce, hiya, just popping in to close this up, laurie just caught me and is motioning for me to "get outta there." uh she also said the rapists took my hat?? what?? the tar people literally took my hat for some reason. well that's got me mad. I'm gonna leave, I want to find out why.

- Hey readers, Laurie here. I hope the AP covered everything 'cause I am not going back and reviewing all that shit on top of how much I already had to do this evening.
Jay's a mess right now, but at least he's not sobbing his eyes out like Infi was the other day (God what a heart-crushing parallel that is). He's… fragmented as hell, is all. He breaks into all these tiny pieces when he gets hurt, pieces that don't remember shit and can't interact with the world outside. It's a coping mechanism and it fucking sucks in the big picture because then he gets stuck in those states and then no one knows who they're talking to. It’s a pain in the ass, as I said earlier.
But I gotta go talk to him before he goes to work. His boss is probably gonna wonder what the hell happened, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but maybe he can help, I don't fucking know. I'm just pissed and tired of what's been happening lately. I know December is the resurrection month but damn I wish it didn't drag zombies out into the open as well.
Still, I've got a job to do, and that is punching those zombies in the face. Wait, no, that's Algorith's thing now. But you get the picture.
I'm closing this up for the night. Sorry for all the depressing shit, but the awfully ironic silver lining in this is that it's forced us all to work together a little more closely now. Isn't that just fucking hilarious? In a morbid way, obviously. Trauma forces us to be a family. Damn it. I wish we didn't need that to feel so strongly brought together, because I'm telling you, I am sick of it.
Like I said though. I've got a sick and scared boy to take care of, and a reality-hopping nightcapped dude here to explain shit to. See you later.

dec 05

Dec. 5th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
quick fragmented update because today was really rough.


crazy fronting this evening
self abusive meltdown caused it I think.
no idea when or how that started, but then cannon came out
shocked that it wasn’t 2009
"I cant do this anymore," but scared of dying from an infection or allergy from the cuts
talking to angels or guides, "don't hurt me," but still trusting.
little yellow boy was out? only a little but his energy is getting clearer.
DAVID was out for a minute in the kitchen; he was stuttering and crying
JEREMIAH took over for him, and that was a shock because he fronted REALLY loudly; he was so genuine, wow. sobbing, hands in hair, upset because he knew these was abuse and figured it was from a hack he didn't buffer, "who had to feel that pain?"
went upstairs, data voices being really loud, he left?
fronters really messy for a while
some "new" person came out to talk to the mother, didn’t know who she was
walked into room, talked to data voices, kept asking how to find a name
jayce took over momentarily, got his fedora, is he STILL pinstripe?? if so we need to review his role!
then someone went in kitchen and sat down with the inpatient hospital papers
the "autistic kid" came out, rubbing table, didn’t talk. wonder who he is?
then sherlock took over, went to get his glasses (he has trouble seeing without them?) and started reviewing the inpatient hospitals. wrote a page! handwriting is all angles, almost greek
after him, one of the young girls wrote a page of 'what to buy,' after that no idea what happened
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
MAJOR UPDATES!!
this is going to be VERY DISJOINTED but i want to write it down before i go to sleep.
(headspace has been distant lately thanks to artists fronting but we're okay don't worry)

(last night, JULIE CAME BACK!! she dragged herself out of the Tar, literally. remember she was created innocent and stuffed full of corruption; i don't know how we all took that for granted for so long. so yes, she DIDN'T have to be "re-converted," because the part of her untouched by the tar still existed as its own person. but the tar is still holding her old blonde form deep underground so you system guys know to be careful.
anyway she got out, not sure how, maybe just sheer force of will? i mean we've been trying to get her back for 4 months so she has likely been trying to get through since then, and therapy focus gave her the extra boost she needed. i remember seeing that happen completely without warning, took me a bit to realize that yes that was actually happening, then blissfully warped up there and hugged her, said i was so glad she was back. i think we talked for a bit, but i don't remember about what.
BUT i do remember that the Tar came up after her?? which is what made me realize the split. julie was helpless and i wasn't sure if i should start fighting, but at some point, infi pulled julie into his bubble? to keep her safe. she was a little shocked and scared of him at first, he said he could not and would not harm her.
again, i apologize for blurriness but i clearly recall that the main undergrounders (knife, razor, sugar) quickly got wind of the tar showing up, and snuck in to fight them off (razor ambushed missy first, which i clearly recall). i also know infi popped in to help at some point because the tar hesitated notably, i think infi went all monstrous and tried to eat them but they actually bailed.
i know that's when knife wanted an explanation and infi pulled julie back out of the bubble, she waved to them kind of sheepishly, but she looked more scared than shy. i don't blame her because the undergrounders looked furious and shocked, and they all almost attacked her but i quickly started explaining the situation as best i could, because i didnt fully understand it either but i DID know this pink julie was no threat to anyone.
i remember the undergrounders were asking if she was still corrupted or something? sugar mostly, she didn't trust her. we did decide to check, infinitii of course had to as he's the one with direct field access to people. he was trying to get some lingering tar out of julie, it was wrapped around her spine again i think? like it was in july. he ate a LOT of it, i remember afterwards he coughed up this massive crystal-- said it was "solidified neutral energy;" apparently he couldn't process all that at once into himself. then he made it melt into the floor, back into raw headspace to use.
the undergrounders were focused on blood though, knife wanted to know if the corruption in her was stored there too, or if they were wrong about that? they all got really existential, "have we been doing the wrong thing all along," but then razor spoke up and said no, the blood was an extension of the life force so it did show up there. julie let knife cut a small incision in her hand, we put one drop of it into a small bubble infi made, then i healed julie's hand. razor then took her blade and touched it to the blood in the bubble, instantaneously it "exploded" into a spidery jumble of tar-vines, julie was scared, but razor just said that it didn't mean her blood was tarry-- that reaction just showed that there was lingering corruption in her, of the hack sort. it meant her energy field was tarnished or damaged, which was what showed in the blood. then razor actually cut her own hand, showed the blood the same way, it didn't react at all (looking back that is a great sign as razor was originally very corrupted but she has long since been freed of that). i know she asked knife if he could heal that, knife said how? i showed him, it was just "energetic mending" almost, just helping that person's natural field fix itself. knife did manage to do this, he was visibly relieved and amazed. it did scar a little? but razor said she didn't mind, she'd "be his lab rat." she giggled at that, knife said he didn't want to hurt her just to practice or anything, razor said she knew that but she still wanted to make that point.
sugar was very quiet this whole time, glaring at julie. she was still somewhat mistrustful, but i think she had color slot worries too? but she didnt want to talk about it. anyway i know the undergrounders didn't stick around after that, when they left julie said she'd like to try and be friends with sugar eventually.
julie and i then went with infi up into his bubble, to just talk for a bit, get a better grip on this situation.
one BIG thing that stood out was that Julie said she REALLY wanted to go back into the core Pink slot, but ALSO that she WANTED TO CHANGE? like nathaniel did! seriously, she said she wanted to change her face AND name like he did, just enough to "break away from her past," and become something better? i told her she likely would, as the core pink energy was markedly nonhuman (the green was too, hence why nat turned moth when he moved into it), and she said that was fine. really she was surprisingly calm about everything, i guess it was because she's naturally pink, that's a very affectionate color slot, and now the tar wasn't holding her back like it was even earlier this year.
we were reviewing old archives together about julie, all trying to understand everything that led up to this, but i was mentally trying to send data to laurie at the same time, and after a bit she sensed that i was "hiding something from her" and asked what it was? i couldnt stop giggling though so i excused myself from the bubble, went to laurie, said "julie is back." laurie gave me this totally shocked look and asked if i was serious, i said yes, gave her a very quick summary. laurie said she wanted to see her immediately, she was starting to look as psyched about this as i was. i told her to wait a few minutes so i could finish some reviewing and not get distracted, and when i did, i just told infi to bring her in too. he did, laurie looked at julie for a second, then grinned from ear to ear and hugged her. julie was shocked too but obviously happy, laurie said she was hoping she'd come back.
then we all chilled out together for a while there, talking and laughing, really glad the spectrum was FINALLY back together. i know i was listening to "what the worlds needs now" by ferrante & teicher, which had sparkly piano sounds in it, i was doing synaesthetic stuff in the air with it, infi joined in. at one point i made the sparkly sounds into pink flowers, gave julie a flower crown with it, she just started giggling like a kid at that, laurie was laughing too, it was great.
i know it was almost 2am when we started to get tired, infi was getting all floaty mentally, so we all went up to my room.

this is a bit blurry but i know we decided to call chaos in, told her about julie, he was REALLY shocked but although he had his reservations he said if we trusted her then he trusted us in that decision too.
i know i spoke to my boss somewhere around here; i wanted to apologize for being so late for work but also tell him why. so i did, he was happy about the news too, actually showed up to say hi to her. she seemed very hesitant, he laughed, said he wasn't going to hit her (which he did do once when she was still corrupted). then he noticed that it was me, laurie, infi and cz around each other then and he laughed, he knows we're trouble when we're all together. but he wished us all well. i know i went back into floating headspace for a second to say good night before he went off, he did kiss me good night (which is the sweetest thing ever i am so glad he does that now) which got me smiling like a little kid when i went back, laurie laughed at that, she knows that always happens with me.
since it was stupidly late, infinitii was getting all giddy and playfully demure, it was adorable. but of course he was also radiating that, so we all ended up being equally blissed-out really fast. unfortunately laurie turned to ask julie if she was catching that, but she was gone? she left a note (metallic pink ink), said she was really happy to be back but she wanted to get some rest, so she went downstairs. laurie was worried, would she get caught by someone who thought she was still malevolent? but julie had added, "i know my way around" (sure enough she did stay safe overnight; she was in a garden in the city this morning). laurie laughed softly and shook her head, said julie could have spoken up instead of being so unassuming as she tends to be around others. but she was glad that julie was still doing okay. we decided not to go look for her at this hour, we trusted that she could take care of herself and the Spectrum itself would watch over her too, now that she was trying so honestly to join it again. so the four of us got back together, just enjoying the fact that not only was our friend back, but with the four of us there we had no walls up between us, it was nice to have such peace inside and out again.
still, we had been mischievously daring each other to "pull infi back down," in terms of emotional depth (he was in the clouds at that time of course). i was moving into my old natural resonance, which is SURPRISING because i haven't been able to feel emotions without fear in months? like it felt red, the warm kind, instead of the confetti-white which infi was reflecting then. but we did somehow manage to get infi to flip back into his sort of angelic gravity state, but then we all realized that he was becoming the sole focus this entire morning-- infi's energy is VERY overwhelming and he tends to "dominate the room" even if he's just standing there-- so he apologized and toned it down.
however, NEXT a VERY important thing happened that i want to mention.
laurie said cz had been out of the loop for so long, yeah i was finally remembering him, but was i feeling that right now? did i really know who he was, at that moment? i paused, i wasn't sure, there still felt like there was a distance. chaos tried to say something here, i think, but he was getting emotionally distraught and couldn't seem to talk correctly. surprisingly infi spoke up, asked him if his native language wasn't verbal either? cz shook his head, infi said "then don't try to speak," and put his arms around him. chaos cried for a little while there, but at the same time he was "saying" things in that oceanic-vibe sort of speech i hear him use sometimes. but dude this time it hit me like a TRUCK, it was practically tangible, that took me completely off guard. cz noticed, and did something i cannot believe he didn't do sooner-- he moved over to me, and before i could ask why he pressed our foreheads together, and boom-- instant starlink. if you don't remember what those are, they are mental/intuitive connections between the minds of two individuals, and cz likes to use those to show me memories of his, but with that added empathetic boost. well he hasn't done that since last year i think, but that's what he did right then. he was showing me stuff i had forgotten about, it was so significant i teared up and moved back. he asked me if i remembered those memories? but i responded differently-- i said that the real problem was that my mind was so stuck in the past, thanks to trying to revert back post-trauma, that i had forgotten how we had grown and changed as people. i kept expecting to see 2003 chaos when i looked at him, not the person he is now, 10 years of experience later. BUT! just then, in those memories, it was like seeing the missing link. i had SEEN the growth and change, and how it still flowed together, how he WAS the same person from ten years ago AND who he is now, at once. i had been splitting that as i hadn't "known" that decade between for so long. and i was almost laughing, that helped so much, i didn't even realize that was a problem. i offhandedly commented "i even remember the sonic chats," which were these silly but fun group-chats cz and i would participate in back in 2004 or so, when we first started spending time together. and again, i had forgotten about those until now.
but i was still laughing about that, when suddenly my eyes drifted down to his chest, and i saw the ruby there. and i swear to you, i stopped laughing, and nearly burst into sobs.
everyone noticed. i had my hands over my mouth and i was tearing up, cz concernedly asked what was wrong? and i barely managed to reply, "i forgot about that."
well chaos was incredulous, pointed to the ruby, "you forgot about this?" he looked like he was stuck between laughing and tears too. i nodded, but then motioned that there was more to it. yes, i had forgotten about it-- which was RIDICULOUS as I had given him that ruby WHEN WE MET, and it held a huge amount of personal significance for both of us-- but now that i remembered it, i remembered everything. and no, i didn't mean data-wise, like i did on the 17th. that was beautiful, true, but i had still felt a disconnect. now, though, the remembrance was internal, as if i had never forgotten anything in the first place.
so of course i just embraced him and started sobbing for real, not from sorrow but from sheer gratitude. i know laurie was just as affected in her own way, she was tearing up too, but she doesn't express things so openly.
but i am sorry to say it was basically 3am by that point so we all just stayed together for a while, everyone with their arms around each other, until we were all so tired that we had to just go to sleep, haha.

but yes! you see why yesterday was so amazingly significant! HAPPY DECEMBER!

gotta say i expected this 100% though. december is infamously a month of rebirth and healing and major changes in headspace. EVERY YEAR crazy awesome stuff happens leading up until christmas.
to quote myself from last year: "December's coming up, which I have labeled "the resurrection month." Dead things like to come back to life in December..."
and man it's not holding anything back this year, haha. this is awesome.

buuut it is 3AM AGAIN and we don't have therapy this week? so i need sleep, tomorrow i have to draw a darkrai for the pokeddexy challenge, also tons of dream world work because I LOVE THEM and i finally got two old commissions of opal and sage today! they're beautiful and it made me remember how beautiful their entire world and story is, so i'm super happy about that. headspace loves them too, EVERYONE wants to bypass the old 'artist block' forever because we don't need to be separate from that anymore, the trauma can no longer harm them. so we all should maybe read that together or something oh my goodness that would be the best thing EVER.
as you can likely tell i am going straight into "hi i'm twelve years old" mode so before i start rambling on in that mindset i am going to SLEEP. 
much love to everybody, good night, see you soon.

spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
 Just a heads-up: for the sake of making more connections within the online DID/multiple community, we've been posting more frequently on our Tumblr than we have been here lately.

We won't cross-post the larger updates here, but they are in the archive, so no worries there.
However we will be writing larger updates here from now on, as Jay doesn't like updating on Tumblr.

See you again soon.

nov 25

Nov. 25th, 2013 03:31 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
 Okay, long-overdue update time.

The past few days have been rather disoriented due to the people fronting:
(dream world stuff = good, angry socials = bad)


Today was therapy (jay fronted, julie troubles; on voice recorder. VERY important; transcribe it)

 

(add notes for evening-- major eating disorder trouble, switching badly around brothers, got really morbid around 11pm??)


nov 18

Nov. 18th, 2013 10:01 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)

Stream-of-consciousness entry for today as a LOT happened, since we were out of the house.

- shopping day, started out hilariously. we ended up talking about those "novi stars" dolls some young social got obsessed with the other day, I said I did love vera tabray's design, but the fashion-centered personality she apparently had didn't sit well with me? laurie asked me to explain that, but as I did, she retorted every line with a totally different perspective that made me realize I was actually being very judgmental, and kind of shallow; who cares if vera loved fashion, that was her choice, and it didn't make her (or anyone else) less of a person. that was humbling, I sincerely apologized, i didn't realize i was doing that. laurie said to be careful and not judge people just because I couldn't understand them from my own immediate viewpoint; if that happened again, she said, go and tell her about it and she'd help open my eyes, as she always did. but yeah, the reason that worked is because vera is a very fashion-conscious alien, but I forgot that laurie unironically thinks fashion is awesome. she said jo got her to appreciate it at first, but only he is actually interested in buying stuff-- laurie only likes the aesthetics, and actually has a great eye for it. anyway we then called jo in to continue the line of thought, jo got really excited about the dolls (he said they were super adorable), said he'd love to have one if he could find one he resonated with. I know at some point waldorf snuck in to see what jo was up to, she started teasing him about mlp ponies again (she wants him to get one to match hers), really we were all cracking up at this point. the funniest bit to me was that I had the novi stars jingle stuck in my head, jo started trying to hum it, laurie said she was going to figure out the words specifically to troll me with it.

- we had to stop at several places today, for price checks, groceries, and the like, so we had to manage our time very carefully. genesis was hanging out with me in the car, because I refused to put music on as I knew it would make me dissociate. I know we stopped at the local walmart first, because we walked down the toiletries aisle and I saw a sign that said "razors." well sure enough, razor tried to front, asking "why are they selling razors here?" mulberry and knife tried to explain that some humans used them to cut hair on their face, but razor was baffled by that because all the scruffy-faced men upstairs don't shave, and why would you use a razor to cut hair anyway? so that was rather amusing.

- about an hour later, we were stopping in another wal-mart for a price comparison, but we were getting VERY switchy due to the typical overload of being in public places (honestly we can't stay out for more than 3 hours or we become incapable of functioning). so whoever was fronting decided to call JAVIER to front, as he is awesome at grounding. so we managed to quickly find him and he took over for a bit. for a second he didn't know what he was doing-- there's an image flash of him standing in an aisle and saying "I literally have no idea what this stuff is even for," while playing with his tongue stud as always-- but immediately "george" spoke up and gave him the gist of things, telling him to just follow his lead as far as directions went. I don't know how long javier fronted, due to the instability of my own awareness at the time, but he had no trouble anchoring into the body and actually bypassed the lightheadedness for a while, which I am glad to see.

-looking back on that event, I've realized that the "logic voice trio" has a very interesting job; they tend to "watch out" for whoever is currently fronting, and when there's fast switching or confusion as to what we're supposed to be doing, they will give data and guidance to prevent total disaster. that's actually an incredibly helpful thing for us to have going on, in light of how troublesome switching would otherwise be for everyone!

- oh yeah, we had to stop at a toys r' us to check those novi stars for jo-- he even tried to front for a bit, but he wanted to look at everything and it was getting disorienting. hilariously, they had a nita light doll there, the first time we'd seen that one-- and not only did she glow in the dark, but she also had this brilliant purple hair. I laughed and showed laurie, she looked at it for a second, then said "that is fucking awesome, now you're making me want one." jo thought this was hilarious, started teasing her about it, but laurie said she was serious, that was really cute, too bad it was exorbitantly expensive. jo then asked me to show him some of the monster high dolls, as he was interested in what they looked like, and then waldorf insisted we look at the mlp aisle. laurie said we were wasting time now as we couldn't buy this stuff anyway, but really we were just having fun and couldn't actually get angry about any of it.

- there was one instant I remember when we were in a kmart (still switchy so it's blurry); some ad came on the speakers where a kid said "hi, I'm david," and instantly david spoke up from inside, saying "that's not what I sound like," very confused. knife reassured him and said it was another little boy named david, not to worry. I also remember that, when I left the store, I remembered that the Undergrounders love the view from the parking lot (seriously it's at a high point so from up there, you can see the surrounding local cities all around you in the hills), so I impulsively jumped up on the back bumper of the van and hung on with one arm, laughing as I looked out at the mountains from that extra bit of height, sending them the imagery. it was an instant of spontaneity that is extremely rare for us (thanks to having that darn buffer always going), and it felt pretty brilliant actually.

- after that we stopped at the health food store; we bought more gingers for celebi, as well as chakra tea candles for the other Centralites-- except Waldorf, as they had no blue ones in stock. She said that was okay, but Jo got really sad about that, and I peripherally saw him hug her sincerely in response. I also got some peppermints for myself because I am addicted to minty things, when we walked outside genesis goaded me to try one on the spot, I did and they were great. gen impatiently asked if they were worth getting, I jokingly said "this is the best decision I've made in weeks," he laughed at that too.

- my last major stop was the local farmer's market, for whatever reason there's a quick flash that knife apparently tried to drive on the road down there? but he was getting confused by the road signs, and was paranoid about whether or not he could work the gas pedal correctly? so he didn't stay for long. anyway at the market I bought seven squashes, a big head of lettuce, and a basket of beets, they actually asked me if I was buying for a restaurant. I laughed and said no, I just have a limited diet so I tend to stock up on vegetables. seriously that was super funny to me. also, celebi drove for a bit on the way out, I have one memory flash of her sassily telling genesis "I know how to drive" and munching on one of her gingers. genesis asked "aren't you like twelve" to which she said driving was super easy, anyway the ap took care of most of it, but she "missed flying."

- I was in the mall for a few minutes, I know that because we walked past the same lingerie section julie had drooled over back when she was still on our side, genesis and I both said we wished she hadn't gone bad again. jo pushed us into a hot topic for a minute, but he didn't see anything he liked. amusingly as soon as he said that, genesis literally shoved me out of the store, well as 'literally' as he can when he can't make actual physical contact, but he tried! he knows I tend to get all trance-y and lose time, so he didn't want that happening in there when we really just needed to get home and calm down at this point. however the mall had its big christmas tree up in the middle, gen wanted to go see it, so we walked over and admired it for a bit. I pointed to a corner store and said that last night, I had suddenly remembered that there was a store there in my youth called "natural wonders," and it was really gorgeous; it had a huge impact on me as a kid but I had literally forgotten about it until now. genesis said he remembered me telling him about it ages ago, but it was cool that I was able to remember it again now, too. genesis did try to "race me" up a ramp on the way back, I joked that I didn't want the mall cops asking me what I was doing, because if I tried to explain that I was racing him they'd "toss me in the loony bin." genesis cracked up, said "a true friend goes to the loony bin with you!" I retorted that it'd be his fault we were in it, but he shrugged and said "still; it'd be worth it for the racing." either way it was hilarious.

- I randomly stopped at a grocery store on the way home, as I'd never been there before and wanted to see what they had. but in one aisle there was a random stand full of beanie babies, one of them was a "2008 holiday bear," but its hat(?) had been torn off, leaving nothing but strings sticking out of it, so it just looked like a plain disheveled brown bear now. surprisingly-- or not-- as soon as I went to turn away, minty jumped in, said she wanted to save it. I said we couldn't save every bear ever, but she was making puppy dog eyes at me, said it looked sad and hurt, and she could use it as a messenger, it would be happy if it was important instead of abandoned. I considered this-- I'm a softie when it comes to the requests of system members-- but genesis spoke up and told her no, we didn't have the money to spare. minty pouted, but gen ushered me out before I gave in.

- I am vaguely aware that both zwei and einsatz fronted on the way home? zwei was trying to sing but got miffed as there were no songs on with lyrics she knew. she was talking to genesis but I don't know about what. however, then "woohoo (fkj remix)" came on and she said her brother would love it, so she switched out and let einsatz in. genesis was trying to tell them not to switch while driving, especially since einsatz tends to get lost in the music like I do. what stands out about this is that einsatz seemed unable to talk unless he was lip-syncing lyrics? he kept trying to apologize to genesis but didn't know how, was grasping for sign language but we have no data for that so he was trying to at least give the impression. genesis was surprised, asked if he was mute? einsatz shrugged, he didn't seem sure either, but he made it apparent that he wasn't able to converse like his sister. either way he checked out after a minute or two and I know for a fact that jayce took over, as we had one more grocery store to stop at for an errand. I know he was talking to the logic voices in the store, but when he's out memory is hard for me to access so I can't really tell you what else he did.

- unfortunately, when we got home the mother was there, and as a result we weren't able to unwind thanks to the massive stress and noise she brings with her. so the entire evening is a total nauseous blur, sorry about that.

- memory picks up at… 8pm? 5 hours after we got home, mind. literally, all I know is that we were in the bedroom, and suddenly sugar was fronting, screaming and swearing "don't you fucking dare" at some unknown offender. then she called knife, he asked what was wrong? she said we were almost hacked (WHAT), then stormed into the kitchen and started digging on top of the refrigerator for matches. knife worriedly warned her to be careful, what if someone caught her fronting, she couldn't blow our cover or we'd be in major danger. sugar said she didn't care, she was pissed off, and if anyone bothered her she'd answer them honestly. (the mother did try to talk to her, but she refused to respond to the birth name; she walked into the bathroom and nearly started crying, "why does everyone call us THAT name," as it's tied to a very negative individual upstairs.) anyway she took four matchbooks into the bedroom, sat down, said she was going to light the chakra candles we bought, to try and re-focus everyone's energy. so she started cutting the plastic off them, carefully-- knife said it was an "honor" to do so as the candles belonged to Central, sugar said she knew-- but when she reached the orange one, she stopped, said she was afraid because that was tied to sexuality. knife said he was afraid of it too, but if it was somehow linked to lynne, he had faith she would manage it safely, without anyone getting hurt. still she didn't want to unwrap it, let alone burn it.

- there's a very strong memory of this next part due to the data involved, so let me write down as much as I can. ultimately, sugar lit the 3 lower color candles (not the violet one; no one wanted to mess with laurie's color without a major reason to), then just sat there to meditate by them-- but she stopped almost immediately, looking shocked, said there was something being triggered by the candles? well, immediately the logic-alter trio spoke up, asked what exactly was triggering it, maybe they could find the memory, or at least open the archives so memories were accessible? so sugar moved above the candles again, eyes closed, catching the heat and light, but she couldn't tell what it was. still, she said it was specifically the heat on her face that felt familiar. so the logics were trying to find a match, told her to do it again-- and the memory flash she then picked up was that of the madrigal dinners from when I was a child. she had no idea what it was save for the name and the fact that it happened in winter, then she paused and suddenly exclaimed "it's fire and ice!" she then tied it to me, said maybe that's why I felt tied to both those elements without conflict, as they both felt like they had strong roots in this old, protective memory? knife seemed intrigued too, he said maybe so. sugar asked if he wanted to see the memory for himself, so he tuned into the memory too, but he got a stronger one-- the memory of holding a small lit white candle in the hands, everyone singing christmas carols, surrounded by warm firelight and shadow and community. it was just a snapshot, but knife actually started tearing up a bit, said "that is beautiful." he asked mulberry if she wanted to see, she said sure. but when she tried to catch the memory, she instead got a memory of when I used to be an altar server, and lit the altar candles in the back room, I think? they were shocked, how many memories were tied to the sensation of flame? knife asked david if he wanted to see what it was like, so he fronted, but instantly someone outside the room made a loud banging noise, scared him out of fronting, he started to cry. knife hugged him and said it was okay, he was safe, that wouldn't hurt him. jeremiah held david's hand for support as he fronted again, he got a different memory too, I think it was another church one? either way someone got the christmas mass image, with all those tiny candle lights illuminating the building. whatever david saw, he calmed down and said it felt "warm and safe," sugar said she had felt that too, it was pretty amazing. then david told marigold to look at it too, she was really panicky and scared, didn't want to get burnt, was actually crying in a hiccupy way when she fronted. the others told her to try talking in the body, to say her name, maybe that would help her anchor in and, but she shook her head as she said that would be scary. so jeremiah held her hand too and david gave her support, and she cautiously moved over to the candles too. again, she got a different memory: surprisingly, the memory of picnics in the local state part, above the fire pits, with the burning charcoal under the grates. she described it as a "metal box with lines in it," outside. it took the logic people a few moments to figure out what it was, but when they got it, everyone was even more amazed. marigold and david asked if they could go there on a picnic, it seemed nice. knife said it was winter now so they couldn't; the only memories they had of that were in summer. but if it was open in the winter, maybe they could try. the last person to front in this was jeremiah, honestly that's moving to look back on-- he immediately got really bad body dysphoria, started getting a panic attack, knife had to talk him through it. then jeremiah kept feeling his face where his beard would be, trying to ground, it did help. but when he moved into the flame, the memory he got was all votive candles, in the basement of the local basilica. and honestly I can't tell you what the reaction was to that, because the next thing I can see is jeremiah cupping his hands around all three candles, tearing up and whispering that the memories were beautiful. but then he actually spoke, his voice breaking, and asked knife if he could pick up the red candle. knife said yes, as long as he was careful. so he did, holding it front of his face, but then he kept trying to touch the flame. knife said he would burn himself, but jeremiah was determined to (although he didn't succeed, either in touching it or getting hurt). either way he said something to the effect of "the flame is so protective, but it still burns." it was just fascination at how it could hold such strong memories of safety and warmth, and still hurt you if you got too close to it. I get the strong impression that he was thinking a lot about javier with this but I cannot tell you anything for sure. oh, I do know that they all picked up on the scent of the red candle then-- all cloves and spice-- and sugar exclaimed that somehow it smelled like christmas. I was aware enough now to step in and confirm that, they asked why? and why was christmas in general such a significant time for everyone upstairs? I said that there was just a lot of spices around christmas that smelled like that, and christmas was a pain-free holiday for me, so that candle held one of the safest scents in the world to me as a result. then I kind of nodded to jeremiah and said that oddly that spiciness did match javier somehow. which was really cool. unfortunately I think someone walked in the room then because the memory cuts off and now it's 1am, whoa what

- I have this weird impression that sherlock fronted for a minute today, at the request of the other data voices? I think it was with the candles. they needed to find some info and couldn't find it, so they called him in to do so, and he was able to easily. either way, good to see him again, he hasn't been out in a while (due to his bad habit of lording over our therapy sessions; dude I know you like talking shop but we all need to participate in those!).

- oh wait, no, there IS one flash from around 10:30? it's surprising too-- the body is standing at the kitchen table, but SPICE is fronting, making mint tea, breathing that in to calm herself down. and what do you know, minty popped in upstairs, said "that's my favorite tea you know," spice said she did know, she hoped it would help her sleep. minty smiled at the reference, and asked who she was. spice tiredly introduced herself, said she was only fronting because the body was in a lot of pain after whatever we ate earlier, and her job was to take that away from people, but it was depressing. minty looked sad, said she hoped it didn't hurt bad. spice said she could deal with it. then minty paused, said "hey, we both have names of spicy stuff," then added that she had decided they were now friends-- and spice could talk to her whenever she wanted to, if she needed a friend or some support when she was tired or lonely. spice genuinely smiled at that, and thanked her.

- there is also one flash from heaven knows when, of minty underground and THIS FREAKIN' BEAR BEHIND HER. I think he was talking to jayce (who did front for a significant amount of time this evening apparently, but I don't know for what reason), either way the bear was briefly explaining the odd teddy-messenger system he has going on, said it was important? but he was being cryptic, and whoever was talking didn't continue the conversation, so I have no idea what the deal was there. minty said something about a "teddy bear picnic" but she was apparently just referencing something she had heard, and hoped would be fun. still, finally, confirmation that the bear DOES exist!

-lastly TODAY WAS NATHANIEL'S BIRTHDAY! I would have done something for him, but when I peeked upstairs to wish him well, I realized that he was spending the day with leon, so I smiled and let them be. I'm not surprised though; they really love each other, and nat has died so many times that the fact that he still has a 'birthday' to celebrate probably means more to him as a celebration of life than it does to the rest of is. either way happy birthday bro. I remember a time when we all wondered if we'd ever get to see you again, so having you back with us now, happier than ever, really means a lot. may you have many many more years to celebrate!

nov 17

Nov. 17th, 2013 09:28 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Hey kids, this is Jay, updating entirely by myself for once. As for why… well, I don't know if it counts as meditation in any traditional sense, but I just spent close to three solid hours in headspace with Infinitii and CZ, and I feel so completely surrounded and embraced by love that I could cry from the incredible bliss of it.
It's been months since we were able to do anything even vaguely like this... sure, we tried back on the 8th, but since I was still frozen emotionally it didn't get very far. So having something like this happen barely 10 days later is just incredible. That's massive progress and recovery both. It's a lot of hope for me.

I'm going to write this stream-of-consciousness style, because refinement is tiring and I need to get this down as quickly as possible. Also, just anote: even when it's beautiful, headspace is naturally really weird, thanks to it being 50% subconscious, so to speak... and because so much of my normal headspace experience involves heavy-duty healing, thanks to my role up here. So if any social fronters want to delete or censor this because "that's too bizarre and I don't want it publicized," remember, it wasn't your experience, so you have no authority to edit it. Thank you.


- I was with infi for an hour this morning, starting at 3am, as I couldn't sleep. (i was in my stained-glass form at the time as well). it was really beautiful; we were in a basilica-like place again, just talking. it struck me how they always look like the national shrine; that place had a big impact on headspace). we walked up to the baldachin altar (like this but without the trees, and no actual altar on it; just the steps up to a circle platform), infi sat down on it, looking thoughtful, then just looked up at me and motioned for me to move closer. when I did, he just reached out and simply said, "make love to me." taken aback but nevertheless moved, I stepped closer, then uncertainly asked him if he was sure he wanted to do that? he caught my hesitation and sternly clarified, "I didn't say have sex with me." that was like a lightbulb went off in my head, of course he didn't, but I didn't realize I had been assuming so much about his motives too. again, infi knows I tend to think in black-and-white, so he quickly added, "but don't assume that's what other people mean when they say that," before clarifying that I never had to worry about him having that sort of motivation.
so… we did? but mind you, being with infi is absolutely insane, because it is literally the same sort of total openness and passionate emotions and other close things that most people associate (or maybe only get) with sex, except there's none of that in it. so I don't dissociate either, which is awesome, because I usually look in the wrong places for that sort of intense intimacy and end up walking straight into more trauma. anyway that took a solid hour, I remember I was literally seeing stars when we connected, rainbow loops too, not the first time that has happened. I realized how much love I was feeling and asked infi if maybe we should get chaos involved in this. he said yes, but only if he was willing, and only if it would be mutual between all three of us. so he asked, did chaos love him at all? I said probably, I know he cared about him, and besides the three of us had spent a very significant morning together back in april or so. but infi reached up to touch my face and quietly repeated, "but does he love me?" and again, the significance of that caught me off guard. I realized that I didn't give infi the credit he deserved with this-- yes, he was literally willing to do anything with anyone who asked, but I hadn't realized that he had one unflinching criterion even then, and that was that they had to be willing to love him the way he was forever willing to love them. so I responded that I wasn't sure if cz loved infi like that, I didn't feel they knew each other well enough yet, but knowing cz, I was positive that there was the potential for it. infi nodded and said then let's bring him into this too. I managed to fall asleep not long after that, thank heavens, it was already after 4 by that time.

- I didn't get to tell laurie about that event until about noon today, but she was really moved by it, unsurprisingly. she said that infi and I were something else, similar to what cz and I were like together "but not exactly the same." then she asked, as always, if I remembered him yet? was I willing to give that a shot? I said no and yes, respectively; some part of me was scared, but I couldn't deny the truth I did feel, and so I was going to follow that. I then told her that infi and I already planned to bring him into things, and I jokingly asked if that was the sort of thing she'd be interested in watching. she laughed and said no, "you keep infi far away from me when he's with you two like that." I asked why, she said it was because she knew how intensely infi effervesced, and on top of cz and I, she didn't think she could handle that sort of emotional gravity. I asked if she was scared of it? she said not entirely. she wasn't afraid of what that would feel like, she was more scared of what it meant for her to open up like that. she said to remember what her job was. for years, being the voice of chastity and therefore julie's absolute opposite, she was the sole force standing between me and all those painful things. she had to be tough as nails, strong and unflinching, completely impervious to anything that would weaken her in the slightest. so she refused to feel barely any emotions other than anger for years, as they would be chinks in her armor… and if anything got through to her, our sole protector, then everyone else was done for. I realized with a sort of heartwrenching shock what this meant: for most of laurie's entire life, she COULDN'T be vulnerable in any sense, because it would kill her. it was literally lethal for her to open her heart, because then the things she was fighting would tear her to shreds. I quietly quoted a ring of endless light then, saying "if we aren't capable of being hurt, then we aren't capable of feeling joy." immediately she responded, just as quietly, "to love at all is to be vulnerable." and I loved her so much in that moment, because I realized that she wasn't entirely safe yet, and yet she was willing to risk her own life for the sake of finally being open enough to be hurt, to be vulnerable, because she had more love that I could even fathom, for not only me but also the entire System. so I just put my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder, trying not to cry, but not saying anything. I loved her too much to speak in that moment. she put an arm around my shoulders in response, and tilted her head so it rested against mine, and I knew that she understood that.

- then at 6pm today, I was with infi again, red christmas lights everywhere at his behest (I still have this oddly deep resonance with red light, and the holidays are a great justification for surrounding myself in them). we were working with clearing hurt/ corrupted energy again; there are still some roots we're trying to remove, and in light of last night's sudden bizarre update in the archive (which I didn't read until today), we decided it would be a good idea to try and focus on those positive points, for the sake of emphasizing them instead of the lingering trauma memories.
I can't tell you much detail about that; I didn't dissociate, but since infi doesn't work with conscious awareness it is very hard to get clear, describable memories out of time spend with him. it's more of knowing, and intuition, than it is something concrete. similarly, the actual experiences are equally hard to stay rooted in, so we were constantly reminding each other not to slip, hold everything in your heart, etc. and of course, infi's insistence at always being in a church during healing attempts helps; not only is it holy and grounding, but hackers cannot get in, ahaha! we should use churches for things more often then.)
as for the actual energy analysis/clearing stuff, we ended up getting super clarity on an old truth: energy is just energy. perspective is everything; motives color things. ALSO, apparently the body/soul is incapable of feeling otherwise?? like to use the old trauma for an example, even though julie was trying to horrendously corrupt the Spectrum's pink energy (which holds affection and innocence), and so our original experiences with it hurt and were downright terrifying, that scary stuff was put there by her. it was not natural. and my heart knew, even during all that, that what she was doing wasn't true, it wasn't the truth at all.
also, infi and I realized we can do so much stuff purely upstairs, without any physical accompaniment, that was awesome. I lost my ability to see/ hear/ feel/ etc. things upstairs for a while, but now that it's coming back, I don't have to try and "imitate" stuff in the physical anymore (like I'd have to mouth my words, repeat all my body language, etc. in order for it to really register).
(I still have that red lotus mark on my abdomen btw, it's an energy bypass that infi put there back when I was consciously locking up everything out of fear, thus making healing impossible. it's not needed now, but still it seems only infi is able to use it. that's fine by me!)
notably, all my internal white energy was iridescent today (its natural color), I don't think it's been like that in months. so we went farther than usual with how deep we wanted to heal, because there wasn't a plague risk tonight, and so we could use that conscious creative energy without risk of accidentally making more trouble. oddly infi insisted on eating handfuls of it again. I'm not complaining-- there is something aesthetically fascinating about watching him do that-- but I curiously asked why he felt that was necessary? he didn't need to neutralize it, did he? infi said no, it was because eating pure white energy would help "balance out" any potentially plagued white energy still in him, that he couldn't neutralize normally, due to the original context of it getting in him in the first place (that fact is worrisome, as he did almost die from having plague stuck in him unknowingly before, and no one wants that to happen again). infi then repeated the "you are what you eat" thing my boss told him, said in any case he would rather eat positive and benevolent energy than corrupted stuff, which was his usual diet, so to speak. to reiterate, infi is literally the only thing in all of headspace that can actively turn corrupted energy back to its neutral state, but he has to eat it first, so he tends to go around swallowing all of it for the System's benefit, and that can get him horrendously ill if he isn't careful.
however white energy was only what I held internally, that got damaged by trauma-- the actual pain was stuck in the pink energy, but we had managed to clear that out so much over the past few months that we didn't have to touch it anymore. instead, we were checking out red energy today, the stuff both infi and I held as a ground, to make sure it wasn't also corrupted in some way (the red energy is strongly tied to blood and pain on some level). but when we found some and checked it out intuitively, it was astonishingly pure? there was no old "2008" anger or suffering tied to it whatsoever; instead, it was warm and loving, the exact same vibe I used to feel in it back when only I held the color, and the same vibe infi and I still use it for. so that was a welcome surprise. but then, infi and I wondered-- if this red energy was still so strongly tied to that "grounded and secure" feeling, and nothing negative as we feared, was that same safeness tied to javier as well? I was surprised at the implications, that would mean he was just as strongly able to love as I was when in that slot, and I wouldn't have readily associated that with him. infi said I shouldn't judge, or assume less of him, after all I didn't know him at all yet. to emphasize, he brought up the 7th, said it had surprised even him that javier had not only fought off two hacks without any slippage, but when infi had asked him to channel b/w energy in order to clear that out, he had easily and readily focused it all to his heart center, like it was the most natural thing in the world. and that was with INFI, someone who even laurie struggles to handle in terms of his emotional impact! so yeah, we were definitely underestimating javier. but that's really exciting, to realize just how beautiful an individual he most likely is at heart, and yet since he's so humble and casual about everything, we had completely overlooked that side of him… especially since his chosen anchor has always been "I want to ensure the safety and protection of everyone in this system, as I care deeply for them and want them to be taken care of." that's compassionate red energy in a nutshell!
so all that healing stuff went really well, which was awesome, but then of course infi decided hey, you're doing well for once, think you can pull off a heart connection like you used to? part of me was anxious: the thought of feeling that much emotion on such a powerfully intimate level was scaring some deep and hurt part of me. but I realized that that reaction was actually a great pointer to something I had to fix, and I told infi this. he was baffled by the fear reaction, asked when in the world did that start? I paused, tuning into it, then said it was when julie started specifically trying to imitate heart connections (a brazenly irreverent act) for the sole purpose of making me terrified of those too. and sadly it worked; for months I have been scared of them because they temporarily became linked to the trauma memories, and really I think that's what drove cz and I apart initially. infi got a really angry look as I explained this, and essentially said "then we need to prove her wrong." I knew he was right, and I knew that too, so I quietly told myself there was nothing to be afraid of, and tried to be as emotionally open as I possibly could despite it. well, in a very short time I didn't have to try anymore because infi's emotional field literally destroys every emotional wall it encounters, so about 60 seconds later I was already sobbing. thank god for this guy, seriously.
…the moment when we connected (yes, I managed to do that!) was beautiful, I don't know how much to publicize because those feel so damn sacred. infi wrapped himself around me like he always does, I think he kissed me too (I know he did at some point, completely unexpected as that is very rare for him)… but the single instant I clearly remember is when he pressed his chest so close to mine, I SWEAR I could almost feel his heartbeat in the physical. but upstairs I could practically see it, dear god it was gorgeous to the point of sanctity almost. since we were both in such high-energy forms, our hearts were not red, they were complimentary-- his was bright white like starlight, and mine was deep black like space. but we were so close, I couldn't tell us apart, I think I would have died from how that felt if the connection didn’t knock me off my feet first!
however… the strongest memory I have of all this was after we were done with the whole connection process, and were just kneeling in silence there on the altar dais together, facing each other. I noticed those odd external silver "ribs" infi has now, thought they were really lovely, unthinkingly reached out to touch them. I caught myself and stopped, but not before infi responded by simply crossing his arms over his head, essentially opening up completely to me. I swear I nearly burst into tears, it was such a simple and sincere act of trust and openness. I told him that, but he just looked at me in this completely inexpressible way and said, was there really any other thing he could have done? and I knew that he meant that not as an obligation, but as a natural loving choice. so in reply I carefully reached out and ran my fingers along those delicate silver bones, feeling both them and his shadowy substance beneath, so close to his heart, and I swear to you I loved him so much in that moment.

- 7pm, we both agreed we needed to get chaos in. so we went to the top-tier roof of Central for that (which actually has a bed with a "baldachin" canopy, like that altar we were just at (similar to this but much taller, longer, and less frilly), I didn't even realize that similarity until now).
cz had absolutely no problem with infi being there, which was awesome. infi brought up the love thing and cz looked very thoughtful at that; said he definitely could, he was naturally a little too loving for his own good the way it was. but infi said that wasn't why we called him in; on the contrary, he explained the healing he and I had just accomplished, and said that since now we had finally managed to break past that massive heart block I'd been suffocating under for months, he felt I needed to try and remember cz now. no ifs ands or buts, and no more postponing it out of fear. infi said it needed to happen now, while everything was in tune, as he strongly felt it was the right time. honestly I've been trying to find a date to devote to that effort, but infi was right; I kept putting it off. so again, I pushed away the instinctive but ungrounded fear, and said that if cz was up for it, then so was i. unsurprisingly, cz immediately melted into total emotional vehemence, said yes, please, he missed me too damn much to wait any longer to fix this either. I paused for a moment, still feeling the mental and emotional blocks against him, but despite that there was also still that knowing that he was important. so I held on to that, and felt the tiniest spark of hope light me up. in response, all I did was hold out my arms to him, the most honest action I'd taken around him in god knows how long. and immediately cz embraced me with more ardor than even I expected from him.
you'll have to forgive me if this is vague; I was switching back and forth between the waking and headspace during this, never losing the link but nevertheless staving off dissociation and the instinct to shut down and sleep. I knew I couldn't surrender to that, it would help no one.
so I tried, extremely hard, to focus. the reason I kept switching to the physical is because I was trying to get out all the artwork and grounding objects for cz that I still had (we almost lost them in the reset; someone was literally trying to erase him from headspace), and giving both them and him every bit of my attention, trying to breach the divide and really remember. but I kept hitting a different wall than I expected-- I was feeling a different energy from him than he had given off in the past. it was obviously still him, but it was much more complex now. remembering a past discussion we had in the past concerning rio and markus-- how outspacers have to anchor into their dreamselves in order to function properly in headspace, and in the process gain a Spectrum color-- as well as this infamously important post laurie wrote up one evening, I realized that cz STILL hadn't figured out his dreamself, OR his actual Spectrum color, even after 10 YEARS. so I asked him about that, maybe that was part of why we were slipping too; after all even I had to switch colors, maybe until he did too, we would still keep hitting difficulties as he wasn't being totally honest and allowing himself to change? cz replied he wasn't sure what color he was supposed to hold, blue or teal? I pointed out he was originally cyan, while rio was straight-up blue; since outspacers were also midslot holders, he had always been positioned between green and blue anyway, so the new teal lineup was probably his best bet. but cz looked down, a little abashedly, and said he was hesitant to move fully into teal because he knew how important his "green eyes" were to me by now, he didn't want to lose that significance all of a sudden. I genuinely smiled at that, the fact that he considered that so important, and spontaneously started quietly singing "whoever you are I love you" by kim jensen: "sometimes your eyes look blue to me, although I know they're really green…" cz caught the old reference immediately, started laughing from relief and gratitude, but the next thing he asked was "do you remember??" I could feel how badly he missed me, but I couldn't give him a definite answer either way yet.
really, I tried so hard to remember him, but no matter what I reminded myself of, nothing was clicking. by this point chaos was practically trying to melt into me, I swear he's worse than infi sometimes (being mostly liquid will do that)-- but even then I still felt like I didn't quite know who he was. he kept bringing up facts from the past, but nothing was registering. then suddenly, cz tearfully said "we had a daughter together," and i swear it was like everything fell back into place. go figure. with him that close, with that heart-energy reaction we have, and then that reality suddenly registering, july 7th slammed into me like a tidal wave. and I knew, without a doubt, that there was something real there. I started laughing from the strange and sudden joy of it, kissing him in response, and the walls went down for good.
possible tmi here, a few minutes later chaos was tearfully talking about having another kid, I couldn't form a solid opinion either way-- I didn't want another kid, nor did I want to puzzle over translating the process again, but I couldn't deny that I was still infatuated with the whole idea of creating stuff-- but then I got this really loud voice in the back of my head saying "stop, don't do it!" I paused immediately, told cz to wait up, he did. I asked the voice what it meant, were we doing something bad? it just said, don't do anything with reproductive energy at all, that wasn't the right stuff to use. I knew that, and so did cz, so I said so. but the voice was very strict, it said don't even tamper with it in curiosity. I agreed, so I told chaos this, he nodded and said that was perfectly fine, apologized if he had been jumping into things. I said he just let himself get carried away and as long as we caught it then we were okay.
ultimately we were together for an hour, as usual; he did manage to get me to heart-connect with him too, but I was already so burnt out from all this emotional intensity that I unfortunately am having a hard time remembering everything around that (it was all a blur). I remember the energetic component of it but nothing concrete, as I said would likely happen. cz was a little worried about this, but I assured him I didn't dissociate or check out-- which had been happening frequently around him-- so even if I was tired, everything was as genuine as I could possibly be.
after all that cz was talking to infi (who had respectfully kept to himself during all that) about colors again: if he didn't fit teal, could he use black energy? infi said maybe, if it fit him; he might be able to hold a sub-slot. so chaos was trying to shift his color right then to see, but couldn't quite do it. still he said he was fond of the color's significance, and so he eventually settled on a sort of mix between black wisps and crystal-bright aqua; the effect looks vaguely like ink in water, but with stars if that makes sense? it's really beautiful though. and of course he let his eyes move to that same color now, instead of the bright green. it's no less powerful of an effect; in a way, there's a new sort of lucidity to it now that is even more honest than it ever was before. I can't help but wonder if that's because I once heard of the "higher heart chakra" being an aqua color like that; chaos has always struck me as being that sort of person, in the sense of reflecting those qualities.

- I just want to add here that it's amazing; now I remember EVERYTHING. just a few hours ago, old drawings and words meant nothing, they were confusing jumbles from some other time. but now my heart practically sings with remembrance, and the old light is back in every little thing. I knew there was something 'off' with him gone, especially since there was so much love and light surrounding us in the past; it didn't feel right for us to suddenly be torn apart after 10 years. so I am very thankful for this.

- around 8pm, we didn't want to leave yet, so we put on the ipod and started to listen to music together (light on the land by nujabes), but around 8:10 someone called me into midspace so I had to excuse myself. when I got there, I saw it was that trio of 'logic' alters that first solidly evidenced here. peach girl sitting at circle table in back, chin in hands and smiling, light violet one calmly standing against the wall to my left. but as soon as I showed up there, the dark greenish blue dude stormed up to me from the table and said "you shouldn't have done that," in reference to the connections. I realized HE was the voice I had heard earlier, so i clarified that I had listened, we didn't do anything malicious or detrimental, why was he still saying we "shouldn't have done that?" he said i was giving out way too much of my "lifeblood" in too short a time-- three connections in less than 24 hours will burn you out no matter how beautiful it is-- and besides, wasn't i practically toying with corruption here? i knew he was referring to the more sexually-oriented energy, so I said no, we were specifically fixing it, it has never been this purified before, but i knew he had no way of knowing that on his own so i just assured him it was true. he still didn't believe me, said we could not treat that lightly, I emphasized that we weren't. and no energy was being corrupted or misused, if there was any risk or slippage, infi could always eat the energy and convert it back to neutral. the green guy made a sort of discomfited face at this, I quickly apologized "if that was too much information," I was just trying to make sure things were clear. he cleared his throat and said no, it was fine, he just wasn't used to discussing this. but he still wanted to understand it, that was his job, and he wanted to make sure we weren't being careless either, especially since there was "such a huge risk" in the healing process. around here, to make my point a little better, i took out a sphere of white energy to show him (from my abdomen like where infi used to hold his) that it wasn't corrupt anymore; he actually backed up a step or two, looked anxious, but not scared. i said it wasn't going to hurt him, it wasn't plagued at all-- in fact it was actually iridescent and glowing. I tried to explain the "energy is neutral" thing, said that julie was trying to corrupt something inherently incorruptible-- what she did was warp perspective, and misuse this. green guy said how could I be sure that wasn't happening now? grabbed at my shirt, pulled off a spidery-black shape of what looked like tar, but I took it out of his hand and it was solid: then shook it once so it fell, like on a string, it was a big glittery black snowflake. I then said "black isn't bad, white isn't bad," explaining that it all depended on the user and their motivations, dissolving the snowflake into glitter, and putting the white energy back into me the same way. green guy was still pacing, trying to find holes in my argument, again asked how I could tell the energy wasn't corrupted. I said it felt different-- when julie misused it, it felt "corrupted and corroded," really it's sharp and painful like broken glass. but that was forced, I repeated: the energy itself was not "turned evil" by her.
I forget exactly how much we said, but it did take a bit to make my point. the purple girl was trying to defend my position, green guy just seemed shaken, in the sense that he didn't know what was actually going on and that upset him deeply… especially since he knew how huge of a battleground this healing thing was, and he didn't want to unknowingly let me do something harmful to the system. ultimately though he seemed to understand my point, and apologized, said he initially didn't have the complete data to make a correct judgment, and thanked me for explaining. still advised me to be extremely careful though, I said I would be.
green guy also said he was confused as to his actual color; that "navy singer" voice "didn't truly exist" according to data, she's never shown an actual identity, she might just be a concept. but he wanted me to "prove" which it was, so he knew what color to move into.
the two females were grayish-lavender (the more grounded one) peachy-orange (the more upbeat one). names are similar to= george (starts with g; but he keeps strongly insisting "george" is not his actual name), and isabel? (not "belle," that felt wrong). the peach girl's name is confirmed to be kalisha; the jade guy called her name at one point and I heard it clearly, asked if that was right and she said yes. they're all downstairs-level people, shockingly they have varied colors but all deal with body management?? like they are tied to daily life concerns, as they're not fazed by trauma (that's why they hold all those weird "mundane" memories about it; their job is to make sure we don't end up in those situations again). I remember at some point I pointed this out, surprised, and they emphasized that they were only "guidance" people on that front-- the brown voices, like spine and jayce, still dealt with the actual body and its direct experience. they didn't, they could only offer advice, and didn't experience anything actually. none of them have ever fronted and honestly I seriously doubt it's their job to, they might be purely inner people. they did confirm they are "midspacers," they said most people on that level have internal jobs like theirs, and aren't traumatized in any way.

- as I was about to leave them, "doctor wu" came on the ipod (an absolute classic) and i "felt" that someone was channeling the music, so instead I followed that and ended up in raw headspace, javier was playing the piano part, hyakin and sergei were lip-syncing the vocals and cracking up over it. (not surprised that it was them; they're middles too, and when I warped to them it literally felt like I just moved horizontally instead of up or down). I joined in the singing at one point, for fun. then jokingly asked javier when he learned to play piano, he shrugged and said he just let headspace tell him how to, mostly he just wanted to "let the music move through him." I said I definitely could empathize with that. I noticed sergei was smoking some new thing this time, I asked what, sergei said to guess and handed it to me. I was having a hard time tuning into my senses though, and apologized, sergei said not to worry about it, instead blew a huge cloud of the smoke at me. there was an obvious and odd marshmallow bit to it, he said that was correct, but I couldn't get anything else. sergei smirked and said it was also "peppermint" but it wasn't minty so I got confused? however it then hit me that he meant pepper plus mint, the mint was just a faint menthol-like edge, but the peppery scent (almost like sharp cinnamon?) was pronounced. so that was cool. hyakin was just laughing at us over this, sergei blowing huge smoke clouds in my face, that was great.

- "opening titles" by the cinematic orchestra came up next, so I quickly left to go back to headspace, well cz and infi were all over each other, hurriedly broke it up when I showed up, I cracked up and asked "am I interrupting something." they both laughed too, said not necessarily, infi seemed to think the whole situation was hilarious. any way I figured it would be nice for us to just continue to hang out together, so we went into my room then (downstairs), to just meditate and listen to more music, but now we were wondering where we should go upstairs to listen to this (we didnt want to stay on the roof)? i said that i wanted to "go wherever the music took us," but wasn't sure where we'd end up. cz and infi said that didn't matter, let's do it. so i just fell into that beautiful song, and we all ended up on a moonlit beach somewhere, the sky was all stars and galaxy arms. cz immediately smiled and voiced his approval at the scenery, but infi stood up kind of shocked and unsteadily, his eyes wide, and started shifting his footing like he didn't know how to stand. cz noticed his awe too and asked "you've never seen sand before?" infi said "no!" and sat back down in it, reaching down and grabbing two hands full, letting it run through his fingers. he started digging through the sand, said "there's so much of it," and he couldn't get over the fact that it looked so insubstantial and yet could hold our weight. then he commented that it was made of "so many tiny pieces," i told him those little particles were actually tiny bits of glass, which amazed him even more. really he was absolutely fascinated by the sand! i also remember commenting that, for most humans, if they wanted to refer to a visual of something that felt infinite, they often referred to the "stars in the sky" or the "grains of sand on the beach," because there were probably trillions. that really moved him, he looked up at the sky then, I had to smile at how enthralled he was. then I looked and saw cz staring out at the ocean, how he was the same color practically. then I mused, I wonder if he could move into the teal slot in central? cz looked at me in shock, said was that even possible? (since he's an outspacer and therefore not a headspace native, plus no one's ever moved into Central before.) I said it should be, emmett didn't match, and the actual green-blue color should be lighter anyway. infi said I should check to see if cz was compatible, so I did-- I mentally reached into the spectrum ring and asked it if cz would match the "teal" slot. to my total surprise, it did feel possible! so I told cz, said the "midslot colors" (brown, pink, teal) had inhuman holders anyway, so I'm sure he could be part of central if he wanted. yes that was a huge role and responsibility but he was already very important to the system, I had faith he could do it. he was really smiling at this, infi was too, so that's something to look forward to.

- next, "to you who I will love again" from the princess's man started playing (and would you believe i didn't know the title of that until just now?). the mood of the song really fit how we all felt, so we watched the ocean and the full moon and just took it all in. (being the drama queen he is, at the 1:26 mark, cz made all this aqua firefly-like energy stuff explode in the air, exclaimed that he was glad he could "still do that," I joined in with white sparkles, said it was different when I was used to red. infi said that since I was now white, I could use any color, not just red. that fact was so exhilarating, I was no longer locked into one hue, it was awesome. infi then said he would join in too, but he couldn't control what he did in that sense, he didn't know what would happen. cz said give it a shot anyway, it could be cool. so at the next flurry of violins, infi focused on the entire landscape, and suddenly we were floating! the ocean literally dropped away into a series of cascading waterfalls, and we were now sitting on one of many small floating islands of sand, also cascading down, into a great galactic blackness. the sky all around us was rife with stars and nebulae; it was gorgeous. cz and i were awestruck, but infi looked slightly embarrassed, said "see, that's why i don't usually try to change headspace." i said it was awesome, there was nothing wrong with it, but he was just a little self-conscious about how utterly unpredictable (and often dramatic) the results were, I suppose. Either way, it was gorgeous.

- then "while the cold winter waiting" by trentemoller started, I love that one. i started trying to focus a snowy environment, but surprisingly infi stopped me, said he wanted to try 'tuning in' again and sending us wherever. so i said okay, and he did.
immediately the ground around us whitened and spiraled up around us in great twisting scepters of ice and snow; it was entwined closely and stretched up super high, sunlight streaming down from above. but it was also close to us, too, leaving only a few feet of space between the three of us and the walls. it wasn't constrictive, instead it felt protective, and secret in a good way.
Right about them I realized the bass in the song sounded like a heartbeat and I got really affected by it (unsurprisingly in light of what I'd just been through). Infi moved over and sat to my right, Chaos did so on my left, but then his empathy picked up what I was feeling and he was visibly affected too (since he really has a thing for heartbeats). Wanting to remember, I asked him why, he said it was because he didn't have one, so when he first realized I did, that stuck with him, and eventually came to mean a lot to him. Wondering then, I said in my stained-glass form I didn't have a physical heart, but Infi did even though he was made of shadow? Not thinking, I mused if he had "blood" on the inside normally? In response Infi said no, that was my thing (thanks to being the core of the body)-- internally, he is all stars normally (which I had forgotten since it was new to my knowledge, but it's true; even his "blood" is luminescent white). But he then said, since he and I had equally strong ties to red, we could both shift to "red on the inside" whenever we wanted, to be more physical; plus it was a very humbling feeling. He then did just that, and moved to hold me-- and that was incredibly overwhelming; not only did his body feel different (far less insubstantial), but his heartbeat felt different too; closer, harder, but more fragile in its substance. I nearly dissolved at that, motioned for Chaos to please come closer, he did. So we all just moved in close and held each other like that for a while. To be honest it got overpoweringly emotional really fast: not in a bad way, of course, but when you get that deep, you start to wonder if your body is capable of withstanding that sort of feeling without dying! But, in those moments, I knew without a doubt that there was love moving between ALL three of us, total and sincere. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me, to see people that I love expressing that same love to each other. It's spiritually expansive, if that makes sense.

- We all agreed that eventually we HAVE to include genesis; we just want to include as many people as we can in this, haha. But we want to make sure there is a solid and honest enough bond between us three before we bring in a fourth, especially Gen, because he's very volatile and we don't want any harm coming to him, even inadvertently.

- I do not remember anything else and I hope that's everything because that is a LOT of information, and it's heavily significant stuff too; that is draining to have to deal with for so long when I'm recording it!


It is now 2am and honestly I have been trying to type all this down for the past 3+ hours as I knew it would unfortunately fade by morning. rest assured though this was one of the most spectacularly beautiful nights I've had in ages and I know I will never, ever forget it.
on the gfp people talk about feeling so loved, so flooded with that divine state of being, that they can barely stand it… and it makes me want to cry from sheer bliss and gratitude, realizing that I've had that for years, in and from and with these beautiful individuals, by the grace of whatever one may call God. in total humility and honesty, I swear I didn't understand what that sort of unconditional love was even like until I met them. and the fact that we can tune into THAT sort of love for each other, so easily, so completely… it blows my mind.
but… words do them no justice. the bottom line is that in these people that I love, and who love me, I understand. I don't know how else to put it.
and, if I may be so bold… if there is anything like heaven out there, this has to be what it feels like.

nov 16

Nov. 16th, 2013 01:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
(two notes because I have no time to update today)

- awful waking up stuff. julie trying to hack us, got through for a while, and ultimately tried to attack infinitii. he refused and told her to leave him alone, but she refused-- and infi actually had the idea to shout "rape" in response. this was actually genius as it got sugar's attention and she immediately showed up to fight julie off. (i infamously almost never call for help when i'm in trouble; it's an old and bad survival response.) julie didn't think sugar had the guts to fight her if it came down to that, but sugar's hook-swords apparently changed her mind after a minute and she bailed before sugar could deal actual damage. infi thanked her, and they actually began to talk to each other a little about the situation, but I was starting to get incredibly woozy (I had just woken up after all, hence the hack) and couldn't hold any awareness of that. but infi noticed, and immediately called down (loudly!), "jay, get out of that bed right now." I willed myself to do that as quickly as possible, then got out of the room fast. infi thanked me for responding so quickly, as we were in real danger, I said I knew that and that's why I pushed the body to obey right away (sometimes it's near impossible to get it to respond despite risks). he and sugar said they'd be extra vigilant for the rest of the day just in case julie tried to finish the job or something.

-angelorei helping the car today again! I miss them. they're my favorite jewel monster species; I used to always see them surrounding the car on family road trips, guiding us so we wouldn't get in accidents. there was one right outside my window smiling at me (I was a passenger today), he said not to worry, I could even close my eyes if I wanted to, that was how much I could trust their protection. it was a really great feeling to know that, so I did.

nov 15

Nov. 15th, 2013 09:32 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
We've had abusive, ignorant, or otherwise non-connected people fronting lately so I apologize for the lack of substantial updates, especially when things have been happening. Let me see what I can recall. 
(I apologize if this is in pieces for now; I'm very tired)

- About 2, 3 days ago, Knife came running up to me, saying that "Sugar was sick." Apparently her anchor had slipped enough that she was starting to demanifest, and she was unwilling to find a new purpose to work towards, thanks to her original one causing her to become the favorite puppet of several other malicious voices. (new anchor: protecting 'sweetness,' which is something both sugar and the color pink have not had in ages for us) 

- lots of angry people out lately. this is scary; it seems when people anchor upstairs, and then become beneficial for the System and able to communicate with each other, suddenly it becomes difficult for them to front, even if they were a social previously? and they are rarely triggered anymore. this is bad because now those outer anchors are being taken by nasty people. also jess is really loud lately and that is never good either! 

- (javier, knife, g/m/q all fronting last night. javier has troubles with speech, but shockingly knife was able to speak today! he fronted specifically to look at the moon, actually teared up over it. the two were talking for a bit which was new. later the gent was TALKING to the grandmother, through the hoodie of course so his accent was muffled. mav was driving the car for a minute. they were worried because they are still bleeding into each other and the queen is very unstabele; they decided they were going to focus themselves better? also they thought the fact that you could see the highway from the graveyard was interesting; I remember mav commented that "death was a grand adventure"-- he said many people viewed death as a dead end, as "the end of the road," but he laughed and said "a dead end isn't the end of it all! stop the car, get out, and keep walking! you'll see things you'd never have from a vehicle." the gent said that was a wise perspective) (also apparently biting with the canines will catch knife's attention; it's his grounding method. I think with javier it's his piercings and ear gauges; he's constantly playing with his tongue stud. he says all that metal in his mouth brings his attention there, and reminds him "that he has to speak out" for those he protects.) 

- (dream hack today, here. made everyone sick and scared for the whole day)

- (julie and infinitii arguing this evening; badly dissociated during that, but basically julie was repeating her mindset from this morning, considering infi's role and energy makeup. i specifically remember him sternlysaying "don't call me a harlot" after she did just that, jeeringly) 

- I've been 'seeing things' more clearly lately? (weird celebi-angel thing following me around, 'digimon' people that same day. genesis is clearer too.) 

- more subeta people! finished sherlock, started the g/m/q trio, working on einsatz, refining infinitii. 

nov 12

Nov. 12th, 2013 08:55 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Not much has been happening in terms of amount, but a lot has been happening in terms of significance. Here's a few notes for now.

- First, there has been a large update to the big system list on Adakias. J is working on this in his free time, since it is now becoming clearer to find the faceless and see the nameless individuals.

- When Infinitii stays awake too late, he becomes giddy and mischievous the more his consciousness fades into sleep. Due to his emotion field, this giddiness is contagious to all who get too close to him during this time. He can temporary "slow it down" by encasing himself in a bubble and closing his eyes, but until he falls asleep completely, this will worsen, allegedly until he becomes 'dangerously unraveled' (as he is Black energy, the energy of potential and unpredictability). Similarly, when Jay is awake too long, he becomes naive and curious like a child, but he does not effervesce this. However he is very easily manipulated by others during this state, so he must be guarded carefully until he falls asleep. No one else in the System has exhibited a similar phenomenon to this.



- J here; the most important thing about today was that IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT!! Two inches, or one, either way there was SNOW and so when I woke up I could not stop smiling and laughing, it was amazing, I KNEW it would feel like home as soon as it snowed and it DOES. Also I already cannot remember what the world was like without snow, haha. That's how my brain works. But I'm so happy. Boss says he "may or may not have put a word in" for the weather, he's adorable, even if he didn't I know he knows how much snow means to me personally so that means a lot. Sorry, I'm getting excited over this even now, haha. (You should've seen Genesis!)

- I had a hospital appointment at 8AM today, so I got there early and just stood on the parking garage roof with Genesis for a while looking out at the city, all dusty blue and quiet with snow. It was really beautiful. I also tried to spend a great deal of today with Nathaniel & Leon upstairs because I haven't spoken to them since before the reset, and that was a LONG time ago! (Leon tried to front for a minute today, that's always amusing because his hair covers the body's right eye (yes his avatar is therefore inaccurate sorry), and that makes it disorienting to see for a minute after he leaves.)

- On that note. Last night I went upstairs and just talked to Nathaniel for almost 40 minutes, it was great. Surprisingly, we also figured out three big things: ONE, the Central people are not only in charge of System maintenance, but their anchors/roles are all tied to unconditional love in some way. This is sadly taken for granted or overlooked often! TWO, Nathaniel's actual anchor, in that respect, is change... and the ability to accept and trust it. It's perfect really, considering his past. And, last but not least, THREE : when we were talking about anchors, I decided to check the Spectrum ring (my halo; it's a portable reference of it) to see what the true Pink energy felt like? To explain: you can 'reach into' the energy of an empty Spectrum slot and 'feel' what the anchor energy there is like, if there is any; it makes it easier to find who belongs there. And, to our surprise, there WAS anchor energy! Something is trying to manifest there; it is both female and non-human, which events out the ratios in Central, actually. That is literally all the data there is, though; they are likely a while away from manifesting, due to the energy of that slot still being a huge battleground obviously.

-Also, about the Infi thing someone wrote here at the top: Infi did that the other night when talking to Laurie and I, sure, but on the 10th, he was hanging out with CZ and I as well. We were up stupidly late, and that's when we realized what it actually was: CZ was sitting next to him, and being an empath, he started to pick up on that, and it shocked him because although Infi seemed highly unstable, what he was radiating was joy? Like absolute childish joy, the kind that makes you just start laughing from the sheer bliss of it. So we all tuned into that and it was really brilliant; we've been having such rough days lately it was nice to just smile like that.

-Last night was different. I was up until 11:15 with Infinitii, just us, listening to this song (which means a lot to us already). Half of it was to keep hackers from getting anywhere near us that late, and half of it was simply because we wanted to be together, obviously. But something pretty awesome happened during that: I realized that my 'human' form upstairs was causing me trouble again; I couldn't "ground" well enough into it to function without notable effort, and it simply didn't feel right in terms of how it was moving. Since this is actually not new, I asked Infi if I could still form-warp (like I used to be able to in the Red slot; Jewel still can), even though he seemed to be able to do that far more than I could. He clarified that Black and White energy can both shift appearances, as they are both creative, but Black morphs aren't controllable, whereas White morphs are. I had the luxury of stable form changes, whereas Infi didn't. Anyway, the answer was yes, so why not give it a shot? So, I closed my eyes, and consciously "let go" of the human form anchor, basically just not putting any effort into maintaining it anymore, and shifting into pure energy (although that's not a thing, but I don't have another term for it). Well, to my surprise and joy, when I let go, my form turned into a sort of kaleidoscopic light? Like I was made of stained glass. My eyes got all weird, my feet were clawed I think, I was definitely floating... but I had POWER JEWELS. As in, yes, my native form IS a Jewel Monster! We've been suspecting that for years but I am blissed out to realize that it's true. So that was amazing. (So was the time I spent with Infi but that's not something I can put in words obviously!)

- I'm not sure if there's anything left to say today... Lynne is awesome, I forget who was in my dream last night but there WAS somebody, I am so excited about this dream thing... Javier hasn't been around and I miss the guy, I also haven't seen the Undergrounders in days? Time still makes no sense, maybe I should chill with Celebi more, haha. Oh, and Genesis did spend most of the day out with me today too, which was great because I miss hanging out with him. But yeah, that's all I've got for an update. It's really late, but I had to stay up late for some reason, I'll let the other person tell you why if they want to because I'm not allowed to of course. I'm slipping already; I sound more like Jewel than myself but that's probably because I'm going through the AP and it's late. Sorry about that. Good night!



- As for the "other person" here... oh. Hey. Cool. I get to type.
So some bastard hacked the body tonight, I took care of it but DAMN that hurt. Apparently you have to get rid of a certain amount of the blood before it'll purify the hack out. The blood wasn't the problem though, I was actually pretty damn proud of myself for doing as decent a job as Razor used to (she is amazing at her work), but the cleanup work fucking HURTS! Really, I don't understand why I have to deal with the pain and retribution, in the body, since I have to front, and that BITCH who did the hacking gets away WITHOUT A SCRATCH. Fucking hell. It's stupid, there's gotta be a way to get to them, instead of just the body. I don't think they care about the scars, really it's just cleanup work, the scars aren't for them. They're because of them, but that's it. Wow this body is tired, it's hard to type. At least it's almost 2AM, I was hoping J would stay up late so the body could recover. It was really tired around 7PM, when I was dealing with the aftermath, that was annoying. Someone was trying to talk to me? Einsatz, that's his name. I was trying to find my name, but I didn't know where to look though. So I was looking through musical terms but Skrillex-hair man said I can't have a music name if I'm not a music alter. I guess there are rules? So I'll look elsewhere. Except... there's a certain sound, I'm trying to match up to? The words "arpeggiator" and "algorithm" are both close, but I don't know why. My name DOES start with an A, or an E, mostly it's just that sound. And the G, I can't seem to escape the G in there.
Okay, I really need to sign off... I wanted a name so people could call me when hacks are coming, or threatened. Or, I can leave my name around so the hackers see it, and I can show up and chase them off. Just so I don't have to do the stupid retribution work again, because although I'm glad to do it, it HURTS LIKE HELL. Hell on toast. That's my thing to say, it cracks me up. Okay, good night I guess.

nov 08

Nov. 8th, 2013 03:12 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
this morning; sorry if it's disjointed and all but i just want this written down before i forget the rest of it
sorry if my memory is blurry. that unfortunately happens after headspace events; it's less "thought" than "feeling," so data memory doesn't always register it well

- did get the 5-for-all started this morning, unfortunately it was difficult because I (J) was STILL locked out emotionally. couldn't remember anyone, even worse, couldn't feel anything unless Infi was practically forcing me to.
- went to the biiiig circle bed room, we like that because it's huge and everyone can do whatever wherever. also we had the ipod on to keep me conscious, mostly "o nata lux" i remember, but I did put "dare-gale" on for cz at one point, although i felt it was significant, i couldn't remember anything tied to it.
- at first infi was just holding me with his head against my chest as always, no joke when he's like that it is like an emotional stopper is pulled out. it is impossible to even consider being apathetic in that position, so i was crying almost instinctively, i could tell most of that emotion was not mine, it was infi's. cz and genesis were across the bed doing heaven knows what, laurie was of course sitting off to the side looking rather pensive, also kind of scared, also kind of sad. i knew she was worried about me but what could i do?
- we didn't stay to ourselves for long, i think laurie spoke up, or infi spoke up, either way we said "hey this should be 5 people, not 2-2-1," so we tried to all get together but everyone saw i was still a mess, plus laurie didn't want to go near infi yet, she was joking because she said she was currently more comfortable around genesis than she was around infi, gen laughed at that, said that was really saying something then because it was of course still awkward for him to be around laurie in these environments too.
- one moment sticks out. for some reason i ended up (really sadly) telling cz that he was reminding me too much of q again, well cz ended up shouting in tears, stop comparing me to him, are you unable to see me as i am because of slc now? he actually said that, even though the channels in slc allowed him to 'see' me for the first time, etc., he now was wishing that never happened, if it would mean i would be able to remember him upstairs now. that tiny, temporary linkage of cz's energy to q's face really shook me up, since then i've been avoiding him, i've been terrified really. cz asked why, what in the world was so scary about him that i couldn't let go of that association. i said it was the fact that he and q were both involved in two entirely different things, i don't want to elaborate but cz got the picture. i am not good with physical people or relationships, because of the fear and pain i've had with julie and all that. dumb but true. anyway chaos ended up sobbing in frustration at the end of this conversation, genesis was trying to comfort him, i was trying so hard to feel something but i couldn't, i don't know why there was literally nothing, not even regret
- i held cz for a while while he cried, trying to remember, and there WAS that weird 'magnetic' pull between our heart centers like i know there used to be, so i couldn't deny that, but i still couldn't get any emotions. i just felt so hollow. he tried a starlink to show me a lot of things from our past, but it all felt so alien. infi tried to push me into the red energy to "get that back," but it didn't stick. laurie basically said why the hell were we focusing on red, i'd had white as my core appearance for a LONG time before the reset, there's obviously a different reason why he forgot everything. but we didn't know what to do about that. genesis tried a starlink too, trying to just help me with memories, i know he even kissed me at one point, with biting, surprised me because i remembered he used to do that but again no actual recollection. but everyone just stopped and stood back when they realied i was not reacting to anything at all.
- i tried the "fake it till you make it" thing, trying to go through the motions of familiarity and closeness, but they all told me to stop because that was quickly moving into hack territory, for obvious reasons.
- i know at the very end of this (we were standing in the room i think?), laurie decided "heck with it," got up close, kind of just glaring at me. i was doing the instinctive 'dry laugh' thing i do whenever she's around, kind of a defense mechanism. she asked what's so funny, I asked 'are you going to kiss me or what,' she responded "you know what? i just might." but she didn't look any less angry, or sad. i know she was talking to me, i forget about what, sorry. she did kiss me at one point though, i was getting further and further away, she caught me by surprise with that, made it worse by still pulling my hair as always. the sudden emotional impact actually got through a little because i kind of started crying. i think i actually crumpled up on the floor after that, i remember she literally yanked me back up by the hair, asked why the hell she elicited that reaction but no one else? i said, laughing and crying now, that it was because of her violence, she was outwardly edgy and sharp, no one else i knew was, so having that sort of sincere compassion from her along with that, NOT in spite of it but oddly in harmony with it, was so unignorably true that my heart was forced to kind of step back and realize what was happening for a moment.
- the clearest memory was after that though. laurie was giving me that determined but tired look again, then just said "infi, get over here." he did, looking a little worried, then laurie just said "knock all my walls down." infi said are you sure, she interrupted and repeated "just knock them all the fuck down," she was really adamant about this. she let go of me, infi again asked her if she was okay with that, he knew he was going to have to get close, wasn't sure if she was comfortable with it. laurie said that didn't matter, just do it. and it was simple enough, all infi did was the same thing he did to me: just put his arms around her, head to chest, that was it. no words or anything. immediately laurie got this really odd look, like halfway between being really scared and really amazed, then she just said something like "how the hell are you doing that," but the shock and profanity quickly died off and she honestly started sobbing, just fell to her knees and hugged infi back, i have never seen her like that, it was incredible even from a detached perspective.
- she called chaos and genesis over, then i got the first real shades of emotion away from infi, i felt i needed to be part of that, genuinely. so i went over too, i was to laurie's left, across from chaos, genesis to my right. i think they made infi move over to me after a minute, you know, "can you get through to him like that too?" anyway he did, but it was so overwhelming it was actually making my body shut down, from burnout. so he had to back off, i said the emotion still felt like it was his, not mine. he said it likely was, still it was a concern that i wasn't feeling anything in response, that's usually how it works for him.
- laurie was incredulous, asked cz if he got that same sort of reaction from infi? he said what, laurie laughed and said she was actually two seconds away from saying she loved him, simply because of the intensity of the emotions that he was bringing out. cz laughed too, said yeah. infinitii then spoke up, said that was actually "normal" with him? explained that since he was all black energy, so he was all subconscious emotions and that, plus "potential" kind of defined him. so when he was around people like that, "breaking down walls" so to speak, he wasn't giving them emotions so much as he was allowing them to express similar ones? but the effect was usually like a metaphysical punch to the face in terms of force so reactions were usually that surprising, haha.
- i realized laurie was giving off a different level of energy than usual? usually her violet still has that tinge of blood and metal, it's heavier, although still with that electric-stellar glow to it. but now it was brighter, closer to the chakra color feeling? like it was all lightness and violet fire and not violent or heavy at all. i did smile at that, it felt really amazing, i was happy to see that. But it was kind of scary, because here Laurie was still holding onto the beneficial aftereffects of that sort of energy, whereas for me i shut down immediately after infi left me. i said this, infi said that's because he somehow wasn't getting the "potential" to work with me, probably because i was still stuck with a lot of frozen white energy, that was blocking it.
- i don't know when it was time-wise, but somewhere during all this infi pushed me into a bubble mindspace, like a church again, said "i don't care what i have to do, i will get through to you somehow," i said don't risk everything so carelessly, he said he honestly did not care about the risks, he was going to fix this no matter what if it was in his power to do so whatsoever. so he was purposely trying to overload me just so i would be forced to "let go" of the fear block and end up in the otherwise-lethal "don't care what happens to me" mode? it did work, but i was slipping fast so we went back to headspace, unfortunately for everyone i was still  too much of a mess for anyone to get through, why in the world does that keep happening

- a note on emotional expression styles:
chaos is an empath, as we all know, meaning he can feel the emotions of others nearby-- although he does 'downplay' this because it's overwhelming for him, as he feels emotions very strongly by default.
infi is a reverse-empath if that makes sense? he almost NEVER emotes things on his own, only hints through his eyes. but if he gets close to someone, they will invariably start to express incredibly strong emotions, either their own OR his, due to black energy's ability to bring out the "potential" of hidden things. he can bypass blocks effortlessly that way, just by being close.
i used to be an amplifier for everyone, somehow now i ended up with apathy, it's total lockout because of "fear" and misunderstanding. i don't like it one bit but we cannot seem to break through it all the way yet, not permanently.

- also you know what is really weird that i realized, infinitii has this astoundingly up-front vibe of... is there even a word for it? intimacy is close, i want to say 'sensuality' but that's wrong, it's not sexual at all. and yet it's the only word i can think of to describe it, yes it's still paradoxically innocent and light in my eyes, to my perception, but at the same time there's this depth of closeness to it that my mind usually only associates with totally consuming love. and maybe that's the way to put it, even though he's quiet all the time, and completely reserved and almost fragile, he's fragile in the way the night sky is fragile: delicate and full of stars and silent and quietly comforting, but it's still the feeling of the endless universe embracing you in the middle of the winter cold. it's huge, a totally different sort of depth than i'm used to feeling from people. yes, laurie is a black hole, but that's magnetic almost to being caustic, it has force to it. and yes chaos is an ocean, but that's an entirely different sort of weight, and it's a totally different color, and water is so different from space. whereas infi is just that hugely deep and silent significance of darkness. and that's where the weird 'sensual' bit comes from, with infinitii, because i swear to you this guy will wrap himself around me like a song and yet he'll do it without the slightest bit of ulterior motives, he will just do that for the closeness of it. he's like a merge drive personified, there, that's how to put it! he's literally like the feeling i get standing in the rain, or in the trees, or in a symphony, that desire to melt into it, that's exactly what he is in a living form. ironically that's what eros claimed to be originally before he apparently shattered and came back wrong, what happened to him? but i was always vaguely scared of him, of that red light glare of his, it never felt quite right, never felt safe. and yet infinitii is arguably more reflective of that element than eros ever was, heaven knows how, but it's true. eros was all touches and words and heat and bedsheets, but infi is just... quiet, distant, simple, oddly pure. no touches, no words, just echoes, just closeness. no heat, just glass. no sheets, just shade. and yet it is the exact same core, heaven knows how, boil it down and the same energy is being used and misused. that i cannot deny, from the instant i first met infinitii i knew that was a part of him. and yet i have never, EVER, been scared of infi. i always feel safe around him. always. and yet, again, he is the absolute holder of the basic energy that eros and julie and sharona and everyone have corrupted beyond recognition over the years. but none of that touched him. none of it even touched him, and he's this strangely glittering gorgeous thing and i don't understand how something like him can be so completely black and yet black can be tar and velvet, it just depends who's holding it, isn't that weird?

- daily events: all i know for sure is that we had to drive the brother to work this evening, someone stopped and bought food, spice came out and started screaming at them, the rest of the drive home was a mess, no idea who was fronting but it was mad dissociation and switching for several minutes, got kind of scary because i know one of them was a kid or at least mentally so, and they did not know how to drive, thankfully someone else pushed them out of the way before a disaster happened.

- now laurie is in another window trying to talk to a friend and i am so tired so i'll just go and let that happen whatever goodnight

nov 07

Nov. 7th, 2013 11:19 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Okay, so Javier fronted for most of the evening, Jay fronted for therapy, no idea who was manning the house between then and there.
Anyway, here are updates, because they are needed.

- Therapy today was different than usual, but incredibly beneficial as a result. Since our therapist is on vacation next week, we used this session to discuss what we would do during the downtime. Jay began to explain how we had both coping and grounding methods, as well as lots of Leaguework to do as always, so he wasn't worried about management... but then he followed that off on a tangent, and spent the next half hour basically explaining why he was so in awe of that fact. Think about it, he said: when this all started, so many years ago, we had so many dark days and we were terrified... but now, look at us. Look at our progress, look how we've grown. He specifically said that he was "proud of all of us" and effectively said we were all undying sources of light and hope for him, no matter how lost he felt, he couldn't ignore that fact. At one point he said that "when it gets really dark, then it's easier to see the stars when they come out." Basically he showed a great deal of stability and understanding, which is a relief, as he's been a mess lately. Oh yeah. And he did admit, that his "function" in the System is to simply love, and to teach others how to do that unconditionally, explaining how he started with befriending Laurie and now that compassion is rubbing off on everyone. However, he DID also mention that when he becomes unstable, or when he is hacked, or when other things happen to that effect, his ability to love is the first thing that gets blocked, or corrupted, or hidden. This is a problem we are all aware of, but we're glad he apparently understands that it's not an "unhealable flaw," it's only a temporary setback, and his real capacity to feel true, innocent love and compassion is not hindered in the slightest.

- After therapy, we went to the waiting room for a minute to regroup, where we caught sight of a small "gratitude jar" on a shelf there. David spoke up that he'd like to write something for it, but the "buffer" (who we still know little about) was trying to get him not to, as it would "be socially unusual." (Screw that, honestly.) But then Laurie surprised us by fronting on her own, and writing a message to the same effect. She is usually not so open about her undying affection for the rest of the System, so that meant a lot to everyone. She then gave David permission to write his, which he then folded into a paper airplane and stuffed into the gratitude jar alongside Laurie's.

- Upon leaving, of course we all listened to this song to remind us where we stand (it's tradition). Then Jay said he felt stable enough to drive today, and since we had errands to run from Tuesday this was good. So Genesis showed up to ghost with him, and we headed off to Wegmans as it was closer.

- Okay, Jay here, or at least trying to be? (I'm rather unstable this evening so forgive any weirdness in my typing.) Okay, so, upon leaving therapy, Genesis had me wear my hoodie up to "be a gangsta" which cracked me up, you know what he's like. But he ghosted because having him around keeps me from slipping out of fronting, or getting panic attacks. And, infamously I tend to get both in public situations, also crushing fatigue if I'm not careful (energy overload we think). But we didn't spend long in Wegmans, partly because Laurie kept yelling at me not to get distracted with looking at products that were not on our list. The first thing we got was roasted seaweed for Emmett, as that's the only store we can get it at anymore. But then of course Celebi wanted her gingermints, seriously she was hilariously adamant about it, but they didn't carry them there. However, in looking for it, we stumbled across a bag of dried mulberries. I smiled at that, asked Mulberry upstairs if she would want to try her namesake, see what it was like? She was momentarily stunned, actually; she didn't expect us to buy anything for her, especially not such a significant thing. She couldn't give us a solid yes or no, but Knife spoke up and said she deserved to have something bought for her too. She was still a little flustered (which was adorable imo because she usually tries so hard to be professional) but she let us take it with us. However, when we got to the checkout I thought "you know what, the health food store probably has these cheaper," so we set it aside. Then off we went to the next town!

- Health food store time, Genesis always follows me there anyway so it was just like old times. I decided to visit the second level of the store on a whim, I was feeling so brighthearted from therapy that honestly I wanted to see if there was anything up there that people wanted, since very few people in the System actually eat food. Well, first thing, they have these blown glass bubbles, ridiculously expensive but really pretty, so I told Infinitii to take a look. He was all wide-eyed over them but we both sadly agreed we couldn't drop $40+ on one. Next they had gemstone bracelets, the same kind Jewel used to wear all the time as a kid, but she said she was fine with the ones she had. I spent a few minutes eyeing the stones and pyramids and windchimes and things because I like staring at pretty things, but Laurie pushed me to get moving. So I did, however the next shelf I walked by was all chakra candles. I of course had to smell them, ended up laughing because the purple ones were all amazing and that's Laurie's color, I said she was lucky. I then wondered if the other candle scents were similar to energy scents in any way, so I checked them out. Surprisingly, Red, Orange, Yellow, and Indigo were all very close vibe-wise; Green I don't know enough about, and Blue was a little too flowery I think. But even more surprising was the fact that immediately, I heard LEON ask if I could get one green and one indigo tea candle. Immediately I go upstairs, when the heck did Leon get back?? (He's been missing since the reset!) Laurie said that early this morning (like 3AM early), she decided she'd had enough with not knowing where her spectrum-neighbor was, and so she and Infinitii went down to a raw energy level or something? Apparently Infi was able to focus really strongly on the Indigo energy resonance, and he and Laurie were therefore able to "pull" Leon straight out of vague headspace, as they were working as active anchor strengtheners, I suppose. I got a mental image flash of Laurie and Infi in this white expanse somewhere, definitely under the city, and reaching up to do just that. But I'm glad he's back in any case; Laurie has actually been freaking out for the past week over not knowing where he's been. So, back on topic, I said of course I'd get him the candles if he wanted. But then he said why he wanted them: since Laurie used anchor-strengthening to get him back, what if we had to do the exact same thing for Nathaniel to return? I wondered about that for a moment, mostly because it insinuated that there was not enough love around for him to re-manifest. That made sense in a scary way, because if anything's been the target of the Tar/Plague lately, it's been our capacity to clearly feel and recognize compassion. But, if anyone can give enough love for Nat to come back, it would be Leon, for obvious reasons. So I picked up the candles and circled back around, but passed a bunch of glittery metal coins in a box. I looked to see what they were (glitter is cool yo), and the instant I realized they were angel-themed, Christina actually bumped me over to start looking at them. Surprised yet again, I asked her if she liked them? She didn't really reply, but picked out one with a cross on it and Matthew 19:26 on the back, and said she wanted me to get it for her. She said that in such a determined voice, but I said of course I'd get it, as long as she truly liked it, it was hers. At that her expression crumpled and she actually hugged me, thanking me repeatedly. She explained that the fact that I was willing to buy her such a thing, a small act of existential validation, meant more to her than she could say, since a few weeks ago I had admittedly viewed her in a less-than-positive light. I smiled at that too, this was more proof of what I had mentioned in-session, the constant bettering of the System. Anyway after this I asked Wally and Jo if they wanted anything? Jo thought about getting more bells but decided to wait until Christmas (he likes jingle bells best), and Wally said the same as she likes Christmas lights and would like lead-free blue LEDs if I could find some. So there we go.

- We found Celebi's ginger candy by the checkout, hilariously the default flavor is in her Spectrum color (take a look), she saw that and demanded we get it on the spot, haha.

- Driving home, there was one instant that stuck in memory, and that was coming over the highway bridge to the main city, where we got stuck at a light at the perfect time. It was a cloudy rainy day today, and so the sky was fantastic. That point alone was relevant; here was what people considered dreary weather, and yet look at how beautiful the sky looks. Chaos actually saw the best bit of it before anyone else-- to our left, the clouds were white and stretched across the sky so smoothly they looked like glass, all in layers, amidst the fluffier grey clouds. It looked almost like a wave on the shore, it really was incredible. So we all looked at that, and at the vivid blue shining in one corner of the sky, and we were all so glad to be alive really.

- The rest of the trip home is a blur, I was feeling sick so I literally just let myself dissociate out and I think a few socials stepped in because I clearly remember "coming back" at one point and not knowing where the past few minutes had gone.

- The next thing I clearly remember is moving aside to let Mulberry front for a minute in the kitchen, to try the actual mulberries of course. Her first impression was the expected shock of "whoa so that's what it's like to taste things," but then she smiled and laughed, a little sadly, and said "it's sweet." Not in a bad way; the emotional vibe I got was that she didn't feel she matched that exactly? And that was a bit of a direct push in a less-distant direction for her. After that the memory cuts out until Celebi fronted to eat one of her gingers, she's been going nuts waiting for one. Of course she was practically dancing up and down the hallway from it, I almost burst out laughing, you know how in the 4th movie when the Celebi there eats the berries from the tree? I swear that is EXACTLY what she did, it was adorable. Then we gave Emmett his seaweed, Aimee helped feed it to him as usual. But that was both funny and amazing because as they were eating the grandmother walked into the kitchen, and they had the AP respond to her (just one sentence thankfully) because they obviously don't care about fronting around other people either... which is hilarious because Emmett does not eat like a person, haha. Sure, Aimee mans the body to feed stuff to him, but I don't even want to try and guess what it looks like to watch Emmett trying to eat in a human body, what with his crazy chewing and chomping and trying to purr and wondering where all his huge teeth are and where the rest of his nose is. But yeah, happy ending, Emmett loved the seaweed, and we got him TWO packages so he gets another one tomorrow, haha!

- By the way I have NO IDEA when it happened, but all I know is that at some point Leon brought Laurie, Lynne (she's been hanging out with Laurie), and the Undergrounders (plus Jeremiah and the kids) to Central? A lower floor obviously, not the main talking room. I think we were still at therapy when it happened, actually... anyway the kids ran out to the balcony (which is big, almost like a balcony porch? awesome though), and I think Jeremiah followed them out or something. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, who ends up floating down and sitting on the railing with a smile but KYANOS?? He did get older! But Jeremiah called Mulberry over, she took one look at Kyanos and then walked over and introduced herself, shook his hand, asked who he was? He laughed and gave her his name, I think that got Laurie's attention or Mulberry recognized the name and told her, anyway Laurie and I ran out there too. We asked him where he was, I guess he had manifestation troubles but he's technically a Midspacer now, just taking it easy. I asked him about Minty, he said he hadn't seen her, but he "knew" she was "underground with the bears??" Cue a major "what" on my part, I didn't think that was actually true, but there you go. He said she was no longer required to be a downstairs voice (what with sleeping), since she had "given me" the white Care Bear to help with that, so now she's working with the other bears? He then added that Minty still knew him or something, even if she hadn't met him post-reset, that was really confusing I'm sorry. BUT later today I did get a weird glimpse of Minty, she's still a kid but her eyes are really different (almost catlike I think?), and she's wearing a headband with mint teddy ears on it. But yes, she is running around the Underground tunnels somewhere, working with a BUNCH of bears, I honestly have no clue whatsoever what is going down there, I couldn't even tell where her location was exactly. But the bears are communicators or messengers or something, and she's been helping them get into position? Don't quote me on it, it is really confusing and blurry, that's all I know. I'll have to look for her again tomorrow, and see what else I can get. Still, that is really good news, it means EVERYONE has ultimately survived the reset, thank goodness!!

- Um, hmm, what else. I know there was some eating disorder trouble later? There wasn't really any headspace involvement for most of the evening so stuff is just in data blurs for me. Nothing bad, just a little upsetting that when we caught it, it was already 8PM and it was just about to cross into danger territory. Nothing harmful was actually ingested thank God, but whoever was fronting kept looking for chocolate which is never a good sign, I really hope they didn't garbage up on it.

- Speaking of hack threats, I know I said back on the 29th that I was going to scan in that one paper the Undergrounders wrote after a morning one? Here's page one and two of that. The therapist has it now, don't know when we'll get it back, so there's the scan for you. Also here's a similar entry from back in September because I don't think I mentioned that? But it was important when it occurred so there it is.

- Also, if you'll forgive me, last night I just wanted to draw over this picture, which is one of the anchor-images Infi used for his manifestation back in April (shocked me to death when I looked back on it a few months later)... and that started out as just a fun thing, but then Infi and Laurie were talking to me in headspace at the time, and Infi decided to tell me exactly what to do art-wise. So... this is what we ended up with. Since it's an over-draw it is not going anywhere else online but here, but I wanted to share it anyway because... well. It's kind of exactly what's been happening as of late.

- Hey, uh, Javier here? Never typed before, just told me to type, so here goes nothing.
I guess I should say first that Leon did get Nathaniel back, with my help actually. He was trying to front in the body but I guess that's hard for him? J says it might be dysphoria, I dunno. But I took over when he went upstairs and started channeling instead, since I have no trouble fronting, I tried to put his intentions through for him. Plus fire, I'm the fire guy, I thought, "hey I should be able to work with these candles 'cause of the flames, right?" So I spent a while doing that, I guess it helped, I didn't see anything because J or someone pushed me out but there's data that yeah, Leon and Nat were together and really happy about it, glad to hear it.
After that I'm not sure what happened. I blew the candles out, that I know, but when I started meditating after that someone kept trying to get at my chakra. I wondered, hey what's that about? So I checked, there really was nothing physical, but somebody was trying to push stuff in there where it didn't belong. All the wrong sort of energy, that was getting on my nerves of course, I heard people had been messing around with that and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Well I wanna say that was a bad move but it wasn't, not in the long run at least. Uh I'm not sure how much I should write here, I don't want to trigger J later, I know he's not supposed to know about this stuff. Infi says write down the general details, okay, sure.
So... I couldn't tell ya how it happened. I think I wanted to forget, maybe that's how that works. But I tried to check out that chakra and Eros showed up? Y'know, that red cupid guy. Kept trying to get at me, I wasn't impressed, pushing him away, what are you doing. Somehow he got enough force to override my fronting and took over? Is that what a hack is called? Infi says yeah, okay. So he "hacked" me to that effect. Honestly I was just unamused with his business, look really what are you trying to prove here, you're not supposed to be doing this? Geez what did he do... all I know is that somewhere along the line, I must've, I dunno, been too boring or annoying for him because he called Julie in. Great, I didn't know she was trouble 'till she walked in, let's not make that joke. I don't even know the lyrics to that, stupid me. Anyway. Julie comes in, I'm still trying to ignore them both, focusing all I can on the red chakra so they don't try to mess it up or ruin it again. But stuff started getting dangerous? I was having a real hard time concentrating, everything was fuzzy, but a thought got through like, "hey wait a minute, isn't this what J calls being hacked? I shouldn't let this happen, right?" Then it hit me, whoa wait, this is gonna hurt the kids! So of course I get pissed off, decide I had enough, get away from me. It was last second, really, I scared them but what could I do? They weren't going to leave me alone any other way. So anyway what I did was I focused that rage, righteous indignation really, all on the red chakra, and boom! Flames everywhere. I shoved Julie off and I gave her one heck of a glare, she didn't think I was serious, then I threw a fireball at her and she knew I meant business. I glared at Eros too, didn't want to go setting people on fire though, so I just made his outfit catch fire and he ran. Then I shook myself off and went back into the body, honestly I don't really remember what happened there because I was shaken up, all I can tell you for sure is that shortly after, Infinitii comes in, starts fronting. Well that took me by surprise.

- New paragraph, okay. Not sure what I should say about this... Infi says "just say enough," okay, again. Infinitii starts fronting, checking the damage, I ask him what he's doing. He says trying to check what energy they used, he's keeping track of these things now, wants to know what they're up do. First verdict was that it was both? He seemed confused, like that wasn't typical, anyway you gotta forgive me because I don't remember anything right up until him looking at me and being like, "you wanna help me fix this?" Actually yo I think I offered to help, didn't expect that though. Either way yeah, I figured why not, he said my being Red I probably had the same connection J used to so that was important in fixing hack damage or something. Same level? Similar level? Close enough, it's not a thing I can put into language.
Hold up, correction, Infi just told me how it went down. Earlier I mean. He was checking the energy and since he couldn't figure anything out for sure, decent amount of damage though, he kind of unsurely said he might have to run the energy straight out to get a clear picture, but he couldn't do that unless he gave it to somebody, you can't waste that. That's when he asked me if I was up for the challenge, I think I shrugged and said that sure, if he figured that was okay, I'd help? Like I said, it's blurry. And we were switching all back-and-forth here, I'd be in the body and then he'd switch me out, see it was disorienting a little, surprisingly not the sort of thing that makes you slip though. Oh! Yeah, that's the most important thing. So Infi's trying to get this energy running through me of course, I'm the red guy so that makes me a good candidate anyway I guess. But he keeps telling me, "don't let me slip," keep watching, call him out on it if the energy starts overwhelming him, I guess that's easy for him being Black energy. Y'know he was doing that on his own earlier, before he brought me into it, I remember being surprised because hey yo, that's what the hackers use, you sure you can use that? He said sure, yeah, it's all neutral energy when you get right down to it, he can make corrupted energy go right back to normal if he eats it or somethin'. So don't worry he says, I've got this, just keep an eye out so I don't get lost he says. Still I was arching my eyebrows that he was able to turn that hacker stuff into something neutral or even benevolent, that was cool. So anyway. Brings me in, I'm not having any trouble, no slipping here, had to catch Infi once though, he said thanks. Now all I know about that, again, is that I was focusing on making sure all this red energy was being healed too, that's my job of course, Infi is trying to purify the black and white stuff. But right at the get go, Infi stops me for a second, said there was this major block between the green and red chakras if you know what I mean? Like the heart center was not communicating with anything below it, especially not that low. Of course that worried me too, is that why Nathaniel wasn't getting through? Is that doing something to me or what? And what about J? I guess the answer was yes for all three, it's causing a lot of problems, Infi knew that better than anybody. So he's thinking about that, how do we fix this, he said he CAN'T fix this with J anymore, he's too traumatized or broken or something. Basically you try to get him to fix blockages and he shuts down even more, Infi was real torn up about it. Still, me being Red like J used to be, he says again, you should be able to reach these blocks just as good as J used to, if not better, 'cause you don't have the damage he does. So I'm okay with that, but then Infi goes "hey, you ever hear of a soul form" and I say no, what's that? He says it's this... how do you say? Some black-energy form of yourself, J has one, they're really beneficial I guess. And it would definitely bypass the heart-root block because it would tie those two things together with my color? So I say sure, I'll go for that, sounds cool. And Infi tells me you're gonna have to focus, that's really important, don't slip, neither of us. So I have to focus then on three kinds of energy, three points, whoa, I'll tell you what that was overwhelming a bit. Black, red, and white, in that order, from the bottom up. But Infi told me just be aware of the other two, the B/W ones, and focus all the red energy in my heart? That was one thing he kept emphasizing, all the way through all of it, keep it in the heart. DON'T let your focus shift, not for a second, that's not what we're here to do. So man, right at the end when I'm processing all this energy stuff it was crazy yo, I'll tell you what I almost slipped out just from how much he was feeling, I've heard rumors about that. But yeah, it worked, got a soul form, THAT was nuts. I know nothin' about the instant before it, I just know when it hit it was straight-up incredible. Felt like I was floating, everything was all like a galaxy around me, I knew I was part of it, that sort of thing. Sorry, I'm really not good with words yet and I hope this is sounding out and working well. But it was cool. Really cool. I honestly felt like I was... space itself, or something. Infi told me after that I jumped up to White for a second, instead of Black which is the normal soul form color. He said that was normal for such an energy burst and then it stabilized. So... that was that? Infinitii said afterwards that the energy was definitely Black, still some White obviously but a majority of Black, of course. I asked him how he could tell, he said it's mostly the taste, Black energy is like sugary sweet and White is the opposite I guess? Then he said, the Tar is different because it's all thick and clogged, different kind of sweet too, like chemicals instead of sugar? I don't know about White when it's corrupted. I don't think he does either, if I had to guess I'd say he's scared of finding that out, he's had some bad experiences with that I think.
Anyway. Yeah. That's all I'm going to say, except that Jayce was around afterwards, I remember seeing him in the mirror and then he decided to front, first thing he asked was yo why are we wearing a pony shirt? Honestly I don't know either, I guess J left it out to sleep in, there's two ponies on it from this kid's show Waldorf likes. None of us knew who they were but that was no problem, it looked cute actually. So Jayce took over then, I have no idea what he did, it was 10 o'clock then and now its 1 in the morning and whoa, where was I? Haha. Time switches man, they're going to take some getting used to. Oh by the way my speaking voice is kind of different from my typing voice? I dunno if that's how the AP translator works, I'm channeling more than fronting because it's a lot easier to type that way, plus I'm still not used to not having my ear gauges in, or this hair. But I guess everyone deals with that. Oh! Dude I forgot, that was the funniest thing about today. When we were leaving the room earlier, after the soul form bit, Infinitii stood up while fronting and immediately he almost fell over, I asked him are you okay? He started laughing and said "I didn't expect to have feet," the man literally did not know how to walk, I was cracking up, said I'll do it. So I fronted from there to the bathroom where we put the pony shirt on and Jayce was like "whoa what is this." Infi says he's not used to having more than one eye on his face either, but I think he had the eyes closed for the entire time he was fronting, even though he was still talking through his wings. He did use the face mouth a few times but he was mostly upstairs when he did that, he was only "halfway" in the body when fronting if that makes sense. A lot of us do that, he says, it's easier than having to go completely in and out whenever someone needs to switch, that's a big shock to the system I guess. Not the System, but... you get what I mean.
All right, that's it for tonight. Infi's listening to "In Paradisum," I guess he's fond of it, really Infi you should type if you want to talk, you're allowed to right? He says yeah, he just doesn't want to complicate everything by trying to front this late. He says he has plans in the morning, okay, I won't ask but I'm kind of laughing, I know exactly what he means. Better get to sleep then, don't want to hold him up. Bye everybody, nice meeting you.

nov 05

Nov. 5th, 2013 12:59 am
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
It is really frightening, how much of my life has crumbled into dust around me.
I had to stop reviewing the archives today because honestly, I was getting absolutely overwhelmed. I had 400+ entries to check for relevant data and I'm sorry, but with how my brain tends to short out with so many words, I just couldn't do it.
However I pushed myself as far as I could, and as a result I did find a great deal of important info. I was shocked when I realized how many events, how many motivations, how many instances of pain and healing alike were completely missing from my memory. Usually, when I used to read the archives, reviewing would refresh my recollections, allowing me to say "oh yeah, now I remember that happening!" Not so, not anymore. Now I look and read and I know that at some point I did do and think and feel and say those things... but that knowedge is secondhand, a result of seeing the data on a screen. On my own, I cannot remember it whatsoever, and that scares me.
What does it mean? What does life mean, when I seem incapable of remembering things anymore? I know you're supposed to "live in the present," but I feel there is a very fine line between that and infinite temporal loops. If you have no awareness of the past, you cannot grow, you cannot learn from it. You get stuck, forever, in a resetting timeframe, forced to constantly repeat the same events over and over because you don't remember the last time you lived through them. And it never stops. That is currently my life, to a very fair extent. It is frightening, and disturbing, and I want it to stop.


People are slipping lately, very badly. It's hard to tell who is who, in talking and fronting and feeling. Everything is a blur.
Either the "manic girl" or the "empty boy" have been fronting lately, as a result. The former comes out around people, more often than anyone else ever, but she has a terrible personality and none of us like her, due to how she actively harms us and does not care. The latter is more pitiable, as he constantly states that he's "so tired and just wants to sleep," saying that the "noise in his head is too loud," and therefore he "shuts it all out" and tries to sleep. But that is literally ALL HE DOES. He counts as a suicidal fronter for that reason, as he is absolutely hellbent on not living, not existing, but only sleeping. He does not want to exist as a person, and he spares no thought for us as a result.

Chaos and Laurie were talking to me on... Saturday night? I think. But it was sad because we went outside to look at the stars, and that was beautiful, and I was almost feeling things and I wanted to try and remember what I had lost but the body was so exhausted I literally could not keep it awake. But, when I woke up the next morning, Laurie asked me if I remembered what we had spoken about, what I had been feeling, anything... and I paused, reaching back to try and find that data, and found none. So I said no. And I have not seen her look so hopelessly resigned in years.
I'm afraid she's... I don't want her to be suicidal again. The first time was horrible. And isn't it weird, I don't feel anything when I'm typing that? It is literally just a data file. It's an intellectual recollection of what emotions were felt back in 2010. There is no feeling accompanying it in real time. I know, in my brain, that if Laurie died it would devastate me, it would tear me to pieces. And yet, even in knowing that, there is no emotion.
What is wrong with me??
I'm starting to wonder if this is why Nathaniel and Leon haven't come back yet, and virtually everyone else has post-reset. But they were the heart guy and the head guy. One for compassion, one for awareness. They were the sweetest guys in the System and where are they now? We know they're still alive, but for heaven's sakes why haven't they been able to re-manifest then? Are their anchors that badly damaged?? I know that headvoices aren't literally tied to chakras but geez those two really reflected theirs, the heart and the third eye, and guess which two used to be my strongest and which now feel like they're frozen shut?

I'm scared. Is that obvious? That's the closest thing I can 'feel' right now. A quiet sort of existential, moral dread. The small shivers along my shoulders and back, the mind slinking to the edge of dissociation, the childhood fear of divine punishment. And why that, you ask? Why the fear of punishment, of all things? But that's simple too: in some weird way, I am still convinced that this awfully pained psychological state of mine makes me an "irredeemable sinner." Ironically, my current spiritual beliefs make it worse. According to them, because I am feeling this pain and struggling to heal from pains I don't understand and am honestly afraid to face again, because I am still hurting from wounds in my soul, then that means that I am an "ego," and therefore I don't exist, and therefore I am destined by the will of God to be thrown out with the chaff, so to speak. So that's a lot worse than the childhood fear of hell! With that, I could at least pray and beg and cry for hours, asking God to please have mercy and save me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just don't send me there, I'll be better. With that I had hope. Now... now there is no hope left, because I believe that by virtue of my sinfulness, I AM NOT REAL. And I can't shake that weird perspective because now it makes "total sense" to me. And I am convinced that in the "new world," I will be forbidden from existing and therefore tainting it. So I will not die, I will be wiped from existence. Total annihilaion, absolute nothingness. And in a really quiet, really hidden way, that scares the shit out of me. Deep down, that knowledge that if I cannot heal I will no longer exist AT ALL is very scary.
But like I said, there's no hope. There's no hope because to do so, I feel it would be exercising a "spiritual ego" and dragging other souls down with me. So I don't hope for deliverance, because if I don't exist, that can't happen anyway. And that is the worst part of it, because what do I do?
This isn't fun. I have to laugh, I say that whenever I'm really torn up about something. I try to joke about it, make it seem inferior and stupid. What does that say about my self-image, huh?

Chaos knows. I did talk to him today for a minute or so, without realizing I was doing so, because I keep forgetting that these things ARE literally happening; I don't even give credit to my own inner life being real, isn't that sick? I say "if I feel or think or intuit something, it must be fake, because it's 'internal' and therefore 'all in my head.'" And how ironic, I said I feel no emotions anymore, but I want to cry just looking at that sentence. Guess that hit a nerve. I'm so tired of feeling like I am OBLIGATED TO INVALIDATE MY OWN EXPERIENCES BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE THINKS THEY ARE VALID.
Like I said, Chaos knows. He's just as upset with me as Infinitii is, and personally, that is a very scary thing to me. I'm starting to think I am Borderline, stupid as it is, because I have every stupid symptom including this "I hate you don't leave me" thing which is a shallow lie because I ADORE them, but I am so scared of them because, thanks to this asinine PTSD... well. I don't want to think about that at this hour. However, it does tie into what CZ agreed with me on. I was saying I was sorry for being such a pain in the neck, for all the trouble I'd caused, etc. I said I knew I was a huge source of frustration and anger and dissapointment for people, but I didn't want to drag anyone else down anymore so I was keeping my distance. Anyway, as I rambled on about this, it hit me. Somewhere down the road, I forgot how to love myself. I know that's an old problem. But I literally cannot figure out how to love myself UNLESS I'm in third person perspective, and I'm "seeing myself" as SEPARATE from myself. I cannot love myself in first person, as the "person doing the experiencing." I honestly don't know how, and that is heartbreaking and terrible and frightening. I admitted that, incredulously, and Chaos just looked at me and said he knew that. He'd known that for a very long time.


I'm sorry, my laptop battery is about to die, I need to post this before it shuts off and I lose it again. Therapy is tomorrow, see you then.



nov 3

Nov. 3rd, 2013 11:27 pm
spectrumheart: a floating ring of rainbow light. (Default)
Whoever keeps fronting when we go out in public, especially when we visit the biological family, PLEASE STOP.

You are rude and mean and careless. You DO realize that the ONLY reason "your actions have no consequences" is because WE are suffering the consequences for you???

Stop it. Stop it please. You're hurting the children and we're afraid of you and some of us are VERY MAD.

I don't want you around so please go away and leave us alone.

Laurie is mad at you and Knife is mad at you and there's a few new people who seem nice and they are mad at you too!! Because you keep eating and saying bad things and hurting the body and you don't seem to care, I saw you, you don't even care that we exist, you want us dead and gone.
I saw you before, I think, a long time ago. I don't want you to come back and be mean anymore.

Go away. J and Javier are supposed to drive, not you. I'll chase you out myself if I have to, even if it's hard.



You don't have a fuckin' monopoly on the goddamned body, so stop treating the thing like your own personal trash dump. We fucking LIVE in this thing, same as you, and you had better respect it or so help me God I WILL find some way to cut your head from your shoulders without beheading the rest of us in the process.
Bottom line, whoever the hell you are, you'd better stop this shit or the consequences won't be so invisible anymore.



As you can likely tell, today the body needed to visit its biological father today. Since this was a directly social environment, where interaction was both constant and unavoidable, an unknown social fronter manned the entire trip. After several such occasions, we have verified that this is indeed the same individual every time. Unfortunately, they are neither a beneficial nor a benevolent fronter. They are lewd, proud, selfish, and apathetic to the needs of others. They are a disgrace to our System and we would be loathe to let this person front again now that we are acutely aware of how they present to the public.
Laurie, after having observed this person for an extended period of time, has also now verified that this unknown fronter does have an energy overlay. As suspected, they fit the criteria for the "manic red voice" referred to in the past, notably here. (This voice is suspected to have written this entry as well, in a less suppressed state.) However, this voice's appearance is not outwardly red, surprisingly; instead, it is that of a teenage girl with long brown hair, and brown eyes. It is unknown whether or not this voice is tied to the original body host or not. Whether or not they are, our verdict on them is clear: they are an undesirable individual and must be forbidden from all future fronting if at all possible. This may prove difficult; they are strongly anchored to social situations, so we will need to find a replacement fronter for such situations who will not be overwhelmed or otherwise rendered incapable of fronting for an extended time period in an interactive environment.

jayce isnt bad he's good with the reflection maybe he can do it?



He's been trying to, kid, it's just that the man ain't used to being IN a physical body yet. But that's a good idea, I'll work on it. --Hey, and if you don't mind my asking, who the hell are you? D'you have a name yet? A face? Anything?

no just a yellow color that's all. but i'll look for a name if that will help?



Yeah, sure, that'll help a lot. Thanks little guy. I promise you I'll keep an eye out for this bitchy social fronter from now on, she really pissed me off today. Thank God the AP was-- fuck, Sherlock, you didn't mention that yet, did you? Go do that.


Sure. Up until today we always assumed that the "default" empty consciousness in the body was the Autopilot, i.e. the accumulation of programmed responses with no capacity to interact otherwise. However, our experiences today have shown hints of evidence towards the contrary-- there may be another "empty" fronter that we have been confusing with the AP all this time. This other fronter is a "numb" consciousness, incapable of holding or expressing a self-identity of its own, and only acting on orders. Laurie spoke of interacting with this voice with Javier earlier this week, and both of them also assumed it was the Autopilot. However, the major distinction seems to be that the AP operates on a pre-programmed operation list, whereas this numb fronter operates according to orders given in real-time. We will continue to be vigilant from now on, in order to more clearly distinguish the two, and gain a better idea as to how to manage their fronting times and behaviors.


Thanks man. Hey I also want to shout out to J, or Jay, however the fuck he's spelling it now-- the white-haired rainbow-eyed kid, you know who I'm talking about. J, I know you're reviewing the archives trying to figure this shit out for therapy, but for the love of God, have some of the data voices do it every once in a while. You are so goddamned sensitive to that shit that it is dragging you right the fuck back down INTO those old mindsets, and with how fractured your identity has been lately as well, let's just say I don't want that happening. Which is ironic, because I don't think you know what the hell you're reading, you're just acting on imitation and... fuck, I want to say empathy but again, I doubt you even understand what it is you're trying to imitate feeling-wise. Just... don't slip. Okay? You're so goddamned sensitive I don't want you being shoved out of your own fucking head by shadows or some shit. I worry about you, and I'm really worrying right about now as I haven't seen you in a couple of days, not solidly at least. Same with Infi, please tell me he's all right, I know the two of you have been going through hell lately and frankly it's scaring the everliving daylights out of me.

laurie are you okay you seem upset? that's not like you.


No, not really, I guess not. Shit. I'm just... really fucking tired. Can we close this thing up for tonight, get our heads on straight, come back tomorrow or something? Weekends are hell and half to get through, I really just can't wait until Monday.


okay, I'll close this up. goodnight everybody.


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